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ASK    MAMMA." 


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PREFACE 

TO    THE    ORIGINAL    EDITION. 


It  may  be  a  recommendation  to  the  lover  of  light 
literature  to  be  told,  that  the  following  story  does 
not  involve  the  complication  of  a  plot.  It  is  a  mere 
continuous  narrative  of  an  almost  everyday  exaggera- 
tion, interspersed  with  sporting  scenes  and  excellent 
illustrations  by  Leecjei. 

March  31,  1868. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTKR  FAOl 

I. — OUR    HERO    AND   CO. — A   SLEEI'INO    PARTNER              •            •            -  1 

II. — TIIK    ROAD .            .  7 

III. — THE    ROAD    RESUMED.— MISS    I'HEA.SANT-FEATHEIIS           .  13 

IV. — A    GLASS   COACH. — MISS    WILLING   (B.V  GRAND    COSIUML)    .       ,  22 

V. — THE    lady's    BOUnOII!.— A    HECLAKATION          ....  27 

VI. — THE    HAl'l'V    UN'iri:il    FAMILY. — CURTAIN    ruESCENT                     .  32 

VII. — THE    EAKL    OF    LA  I)  YTlloltNE. — MISS    DE    CLANCEV               .             .  41 

VIII, — CUB-IIUNTINO              .........  47 

IX.  — A    PUF    AT   WALK. — IMI'KIMAL   JdllN 62 

X. — JEAN    KOUGIEU,    OR    JACK    UOGEIiS     ....  .67 

XI. — THE    OPENING    DAY. — THE    HUNT    HIIEAKFAST            ...  61 

XII. — THE    MORNING    Kl)X. — THE    AFTEIl.NOON     FnX                                  •       .  71 

XIII. — GONE   AWAY! 79 

XIV. — THE    PRINGLE   COURESPONDENCE         ...  .89 

XV. — MAJOR   YAMMERTON'S   COACH    STOPS   THE    WAY        ...  95 

XVI. — THE    MAJ01;'S    MKVAGE .103 

XVII. — ARRIVAL    AT    YAM.M  I.I;  ION    GhA.SGE.  — A     rAMILV     I'AI'.TY            .  109 

XVIII. — A    ;,EK-TM-    COMllK-TEMS 117 

XIX.  — THE  MA.ioii's  srro ,  120 

XX.— CARDS    FOR    A    SIM;  FAD .  1.30 

XXI. — THE    CA  I  HEItlNG.  —  I'llF,    (TIIAND    SPREAD    I1.-1.I,F     .             .             .  135 

XXIF. — A    IHNIING    MORNINC.  —  INKKNNELING     ,             .             ...  ]44 

XXIII. — SHO\VIN(;    A    HOUSE. — TIIK    Ml.KT                 .            .             .             ,             ,  ]f)l 

XXIV     —THE    WILD    HEASI'    ITSELF              ......  158 

XXV.— A    CniKI.    FINISH  .  .  .164 

XXVI. — THE    PRlNCI.K    rORRF.SI'ON  UKNCE          ,...,.  17] 

XXVII. — SIR    MOSES    MAINCHANCE         ...             ....  178 

XXVllI. — THE    TTIT-IM     AND    HOI.D-IM    SIIir.E    IDH'NIiS  ]  34 

XXiX         TIIK    HA.M.lilRN     PARK     K.- 1  A  I  K        .....  \<j\^ 


vi  CONTENTS. 

OHAPTIR  PAOI 

XXX. — COMMERCE    AND    AORICVI/lCnE ,  199 

XXXI. — SIR    MOSES's    MANAGE. — DEPARTURE    OF    FINE    BILLY     .            .  203 

XXXII. — THE    BAD    stable;    OR,     "  IT's    ONLY   FOR    ONE   NIGHT "              .  211 

XXXIII. — SIR    MOSES'S    SPREAD 217 

XXXIV. — GOING    TO    COVER    WITH    THE    HOUNDS 224 

XXXV. — THE   MEET 230 

XXXVI. — A    BIRDS-EYE    VIEW 237 

XXXVII. — TWO    ACCOUNTS    OF   A    RUN;   OR,    LOOK    ON    THIS    PICILRE       .  246 

XXXVIII. — THE   SICK    HOR.SE   AND   THE   SICK    MASTER           .            .            .       .  250 

XXXIX. — MR.   PRINGLE   SUDDENLY  BECOMES  A  MEMBER  OF  THE  H.II.H.  259 

XL. — THE    HUNT    DINNER 267 

XLI. — THE    HUNT    TEA. — BUSHEY    HEATH    AND    BAKE    ACl;ES     .            -  273 

XLIL — MR.    GEORDY   GALLON    .            .                  283 

XLIII. — SIR   MOSES    PERPLEXED. — THE    RENDEZVOUS    FOR    THE    RACE.  286 

XLIV. — THE    RACE    ITSELF .  295 

XLV. — HENEREY    BROWN    AND   CO.    AGAIN 803 

XLVI. — THE    PRINGLE   CORRESPONDENCE 30S 

XLVII. — A   CATA.STROPHE. — A   t£tE-A-TETE    DINNER              ,            -            .  315 

XLVIir. — ROUGIER's    mysterious    LODGINGS. — THE    GIFT   H01;SE       ,       .  322 

XLIX. — THE    SHAM    DAY 327 

L. — THE    SURPRISE 335 

LI. — MONEY    AND    MATRIMONY       ,.....,  343 

LII. — A    NIGHT    DRIVE 345 

LI  1 1.    -MASTER    ANTHONY    THOM 352 

LIV. — MR.  WOTHERSPOON's    DEJEUNER    A    LA    FOURCHETIK              .       ,  360 

LV. — THE    COUNCIL    OF   WAR. —  POOR    PUSS    AGAIN!  .  .  .371 

LVI. — A    FINE    RUN  I — THE  MAINCHANCE   CORRESPONDENCE           .       .  378 

LVII. — THE    ANTHONY    1 HOM    TRAP 384 

LVIII.— THE    ANTHONY    THOM     TAKE 388 

LIX. — ANOTHER   COUNCIL    OF    WAR. —MR.    GALLON    AT    HOME               .  396 

LX. — MR.    CARROTY    KEBBEL 400 

LXI.— THE    HUNT    BALL. — MISS    DE    GLANCEY'S    REFLECTIONS.             .  404 

LXII.— LOVE    AT    SECOND    SIGHT. — CUPID's    SETTLING    DAY    .            .       .  415 

LXIII. — A   STARTLING    ANNOUNCEMENT 421 


ENGEAVINGS    ON    WOOD. 


PAUB 

Our  Hero  and  Co.     ...........1 

Our  Hero's  Ancestors    ..........  7 

Quite  "optional  "  of  course 11 

A  Glass  Coach -         .  ii2 

"Take  care,  sir,  there's  a  step,  sir  1  " 27 

Sarah  Grimes  "on  duty" 32 

Tiie  Happy  United  Family 35 

The  Earl  of  Ladythorue 41 

Cub-hunting 47 

"  Billy  Pringle " 57 

"The  Sparkling  Fluid" 61 

"  Mrs.  Yammcrtoii,  this  is  indeed  extremely  kind"       ..,,05 

A  Bottle  of  Smoke 71 

Gone  away  !............  79 

"A  Wreck  of  a  Belle  " 87 

The  Misses  Vammertoii  — "  Tlie  Three  Graces  " 97 

"Old  Solomon"        ...........  103 

"  A  regular  Yalley-de-Chambre  "  •...,..,  I09 

"Superseding  the  Humbler"    ....,,...  115 

"  Tluit 'oss  should  lie  ill  Le-le-le-leicestershire  "     .....  127 

Writing  the  "Invites" ■         ,         .         .     .  130 

"  Mrs.  and  Miss  I)oth<uin'_,'ton  I"           .......  139 

Billy  Pringlo  coming  drnvn        ■••■-,...  147 

Mr.  Wotlisrsjioon's  SiinH'-liox         ........  157 

Puss  has  set  thuMi  a  l'u7./.li!        ...                   .....  161 

"Ah,  there's  the  Dog-cart,  you  see"     .......  ISl 

Sir  Moses  Maincliauce       .         ,  .  ,  ,.191 

"  It's  a  foine  Day  I  "     •.....,...  199 


viil 


ENGRAVINGS    ON    WOOD. 


Sir  Moses's  Butler    ..... 

Cuddy  FlintoflF 

*'  Partant  pour  la  Syria  " . 

The  Cruinpletin  Railway 

"  Give  me  my  Horse,  I  say  "    . 

A  "Whipper-ia       ..... 

Old  Peter,  the  Waiter      .... 

"  In  the  Coils  "..,.. 

"  Comfortable  Bohea "     .         .         ,         . 

"  Now  he's  running  into  liiin" 

"Poacher,  Pugilist,  and  Puhlican '" . 

"  There  they  go  !  " 

"The  Bruk!  the  Bruk!" 

A  Stern-chase  !..... 

"There,  then,  sign  that  I.O.U."       . 

"  Come  in  !  " 

An  Owl  in  an  Ivy-busb     .... 

Billy  in  Pursuit 

Sir  Moses  enjoying  his  Chop     . 
"Come  this  way,  you  young  mi.screaut  ! " 
"  Cupid  &  Co."         ..... 
"  Cupid  the  Archer  "    ... 
A  Startling  Announcemint       . 


PAOI 

203 

217 
230 
237 
241 
250 
263 
267 
273 
275 
283 
295 
299 
303 
325 
352 
360 
378 
387 
393 
404 
413 
421 


ENGKAVINGS  ON  WOOD. 

FULL    PAGE. 


The  Passing  of  the  Stage  Coach 

Big  Ben 

John  Properjohn      ..... 
"  Hie,  Worry  1  Worry  1  "    . 
Miss  de  Glancey  and  II is  Lordship 
"Look  at  his  Boots  I"        .         .         .         . 
•'Nice'css  that,"  now  oh.ierved  the  Mjyor 

Fuss  finds  a  Eefuge 

"  Aye,  that's  the  way — straight  on  " 
Billy  Pringle  and  Jack  Rogers   . 
"Dat  vill  do,"  at  length  said  Jack 
The  Ilit-ira  and  Ilold-im  Shire  Hunt 
"Tally  Hoi"  cries  Captain  Lnflf    . 

At  Church 

Mr.  Wotherspoon's  Gouty  Foot 

"  Lock  sharp  or  you'll  loss  him  * 

The  Cloak-room  for  the  liadies 

The  Baronet  was  Booked  .        ,        .        . 

The  Grty  Mare  is  the  better  Horse        , 


.  To  face  page    14 
24 


3G 
50 
54 

lis 

152 
168 
210 
224 
24G 
264 
330 
342 
374 
380 
40G 
412 
422 


ENGRAVINGS  ON  STEEL. 


THi  ANCESTORS  OF  OUR  HERO To  face  page    80 

MISS   DE  GLANCEY    OArilVATKS   THE   EARl 62 

THE   RICHEST   OOMMONER's   FIRST   JUMP „  80 

A    LEE-TLE   OOKTRE-TEMS — JACK    ROGERS   AND   THE   GLOVE   .                   ,,  120 

BILLY   IS   INTRODUCED   TO   THE   MAJOR'S    HAHUIERS  .            .                       ,,  150 

SIR   MOSES   AKD   MRa.    TURNBULL             ....                  „  196 

JACK    ROGERS    PUTTING    HIS    NERVES   TO    KI0HT8           ■            ■            ■            i,  234 

IMPERIAL  John's  attempt  to  show  the  way  ....,,  244 

THE  GREAT  MATCH  BETWEEN  MR.  FLINTOPF  AND  JACK  ROGERS.            ,,  300 

THE   GIFT   horse! „  328 

FINE   BILLY  QUITE  AT  HOME     .           .            ......  866 

OLD  WOTUERSPOOK'S   HARE. „  876 

THE    HUNT   BALL — "ASK    MAMMA"    POLKA           .•.-.,  408 


^^AsK    Mamma." 


CHAPTER    I. 

OUR   HERO   AND   CO. — A   SLEEP ING   PARTNER. 


ONSIDERTNG  that 
Billy  Pringle, 
or  Fine  Billy, 
as  his  good- 
n  a  t  u  r  e  d 
friends  called 
him,  was  only 
an  underbred 
chap,  he  was 
as  good  an 
imitation  of  a 
Swell  as  ever 
we  saw.  He 
had  all  the 
airy  dreami- 
ness of  an 
here  ditary 
highflyer, 
while  his  big 
talk  and  ofi- 
hand  manner 
strengthened 
the    delusion. 


you  came  to   close   quarters   with   him,  and 
I   he   talked   iu   pounds   he   acted   in   pence, 


It  was  only   wliuii 
found    that    thou,!. 

and  marked  his  fine  dictionary  words  and  laboured  expletives, 
that  you  came  to  the  conclusion  that  he  was  "  painfully  gentle- 
manly."    80  few  people,  however,  agree  upon  what  a  gentleman 


2  ASK    MAMMA. 

is,  that  Billy  was  well  calculated  to  pass  muster  with  the  million. 
Fine  shirts,  fine  ties,  fine  talk,  fine  trinkets,  go  a  long  way 
towards  furnishing  the  character  with  many.  Billy  was  liberal, 
not  to  say  prodigal,  in  all  these.  The  only  infallible  rule  we 
know  is,  that  the  man  who  is  always  talking  about  being  a 
gentleman  never  is  one.  Just  as  the  man  who  is  always  talking 
about  honour,  morality,  fine  feeling,  and  so  on,  never  knows 
anything  of  these  qualities  but  the  name. 

Nature  had  favoured  Billy's  pretensions  in  the  lady-killing 
way.  In  person  he  was  above  the  middle  height,  five  feet 
eleven  or  so,  slim  and  well-proportioned,  with  a  finely-shaped 
head  and  face,  fair  complexion,  light  brown  hair,  laughing  blue 
eyes,  with  long  lashes,  good  eyebrows,  regular  pearly  teeth  and 
delicately  pencilled  moustache.  Whiskers  he  did  not  aspire  to. 
Nor  did  Billy  abuse  the  gifts  of  Nature  by  disguising  himself 
in  any  of  the  vulgar  groomy  gamekeepery  style  of  dress,  that  so 
eU'ectually  reduce  all  mankind  to  the  level  of  the  labourer,  nor 
adopt  any  of  the  "  loud  "  patterns  that  have  lately  figured  so  con- 
spicuously in  onr  streets.  On  the  contrary,  he  studied  the  quiet 
unobtrusive  order  of  costume,  and  the  harmony  of  colours,  with  a 
view  of  producing  a  perfectly  elegant  general  effect.  Neatly- 
fitting  frock  or  dress  coats,  instead  of  baggy  sacks,  with  trouser 
legs  for  sleeves,  quiet-patterned  vests  and  equally  quiet-patterned 
trousers.  If  he  could  only  have  been  easy  in  them  he  would  have 
done  extremely  well,  but  there  was  always  a  nervous  twitching, 
and  jerking,  and  feeling,  as  if  he  was  wondering  what  people  were 
thinking  or  saying  of  him. 

In  the  dress  department  he  was  ably  assisted  by  his  mother,  a 
lady  of  very  considerable  taste,  who  not  only  fashioned  his  clothes 
but  his  mind,  indeed  we  might  add  his  person,  Billy  having  taken 
after  her,  as  they  say  ;  for  his  father,  though  an  excellent  man 
and  warm,  was  rather  of  the  suet-dumpling  order  of  architecture, 
short,  thick,  and  round,  with  a  neck  that  was  rather  difficult  to 
find.  His  name,  too,  was  William,  and  some,  the  good-natured 
ones  again  of  course,  used  to  say  that  he  might  have  been  called 
"  Fine  Billy  the  first,"  for  under  the  auspices  of  his  elegant  wife 
he  had  assumed  a  certain  indifference  to  trade  ;  and  whea  in  the 
grand  strut  at  Ramsgate  or  Broadstairs,  or  any  of  his  watering- 
places,  if  appealed  to  about  any  of  the  things  made  or  dealt  in  by 
any  of  the  concerns  in  which  he  was  a  "  Co.,"  he  used  to  raise  his 
brows  and  shrug  his  shoulders,  and  say  with  a  very  deprecatoiy 
sort  of  air,  "  Ton  my  life,  I  should  say  you're  right,"  or  "  'Deed  I 
should  say  it  was  so,"  just  fis  if  he  was  one  of  the  other  Priugles, — 
the  Pringles  who  have  nothing  to  do  with  trade, — and  in  noways 
ooniiected  with  Pringle  &  Co. ;  Pringle  &  Potts  ;  Smith,  Sharp  4 


ASK    MAMMA.  S 

Pringle  ;  or  any  of  the  firms  that  the  Pringles  carried  on  under 
the  titles  of  the  original  founders.  He  was  neither  a  tradesman 
nor  a  gentleman.  The  Pringles — like  the  happy  united  family 
we  meet  upon  wheels  ;  the  dove  nesthng  with  the  gorged  cat,  and 
go  on — all  pulled  well  together  when  there  was  a  common  victim 
to  plunder  ;  and  kept  their  hands  in  by  what  they  called  taking 
fair  advantages  of  each  other,  that  is  to  say,  cheating  each  other, 
when  there  was  not. 

Nobody  knew  the  ins  and  outs  of  the  Pringles.  If  they  let 
their  own  right  hands  know  what  their  left  hands  did,  they  took 
care  not  to  let  anybody  else's  right  hand  know.  In  multiplicity 
of  concerns  they  rivalled  that  great  man  "  Co.,"  who  the  country- 
lad  coming  to  London  said  seemed  to  be  in  partnership  with 
almost  everybody.  The  author  of  "  Who's  Who  ? "  would  be 
puzzled  to  post  people  who  are  Brown  in  one  place,  Jones  in  a 
second,  and  Robinson  in  a  third.  Still  the  Pringles  were  "  a 
most  respectable  family,"  mercantile  morality  being  too  often 
mere  matter  of  moonshine.  The  only  member  of  the  family  who 
was  not  exactly  "  legally  honest," — legal  honesty  being  much  more 
elastic  than  common  honesty, — was  cunning  Jerry,  who  thought 
to  cover  by  his  piety  the  omissions  of  his  practice.  He  was  a 
fawning,  sanctified,  smooth-spoken,  plausible,  plump  little  man, 
who  seemed  to  be  swelling  with  the  milk  of  human  kindness, 
anxious  only  to  pour  it  out  upon  some  deserving  object.  Hia 
manner  was  so  frank  and  bland,  and  his  front  face  smile  so  sweet, 
that  it  was  cruel  of  his  side  one  to  contradict  the  impression  and 
show  the  cunning  duplicity  of  his  nature.  Still  he  smirked  and 
smiled,  and  "  bless-you,  dear  "  and  "  hope-your-happy,-dear"ed 
the  women,  that,  being  a  bachelor,  they  all  thought  it  best  to  put 
up  with  his  "  mistakes,"  as  he  called  his  peculations,  and  sought 
his  favour  by  frequent  visits  with  appropriate  presents  to  his 
elegant  villa  at  Peckham  Rye.  Here  he  passed  for  quite  a  model 
man  ;  twice  to  church  every  Sunday,  and  to  the  lecture  in  the 
evening,  and  would  not  profane  the  sanctity  of  the  day  by  having 
a  hot  potato  to  eat  with  his  cold  meat. 

He  was  a  ripe  rogue,  and  had  been  jointly  or  severally,  as  the 
lawyers  say,  in  a  good  many  little  transactions  that  would  not 
exactly  bear  inspection ;  and  these  "  mistakes "  not  tallying 
with  the  sanctified  character  lie  assumed,  he  had  been  obliged 
to  wriggle  out  of  them  as  best  he  could,  with  the  loss  of  as  few 
feathers  as  possible.  At  first,  of  course,  he  always  tried  the  hum- 
bugging system,  at  which  he  was  a  great  adept  ;  that  failing,  he 
had  recourse  to  bullying,  at  which  he  was  not  bad,  declaring  that 
the  party  complaining  was  an  ill-natured,  ill-conditioned,  quarrel- 
some fellow,  who  merely  wanted  a  peg  to  hang  a  grievance  upon, 

9  2 


4  ASK    MJM.UA. 

and  that  Jerry,  so  far  from  defrauding  him,  had  been  the  best 
friend  he  ever  had  in  his  life,  and  that  he  would  put  him 
through  every  court  in  the  kingdom  before  he  would  be  imposed 
upon  by  him.  If  neither  of  these  answered,  and  Jerry  found 
himself  pinned  in  a  corner,  he  feigned  madness,  when  his  solici- 
tor, Mr.  Supple,  appeared,  and  by  dint  of  legal  threats,  and  declaring 
that  if  the  unmerited  persecution  was  persisted  in,  it  would  in- 
fallibly consign  his  too  sensitive  client  to  a  lunatic  asylum,  he 
generally  contrived  to  get  Jerry  out  of  the  scrape  by  some  means 
or  other  best  known  to  themselves.  Then  Jerry,  of  course,  being 
clear,  would  inuendo  his  own  version  of  the  story  as  dexterously 
as  he  could,  always  taking  care  to  avoid  a  collision  with  the 
party,  but  more  than  insinuating  that  he  (Jerry)  had  been  in- 
famously used,  and  his  well-known  love  of  peace  and  quietness 
taken  advantage  of;  and  though  men  of  the  world  generally 
suspect  the  party  who  is  most  anxious  to  propagate  his  story  to 
be  in  the  wrong,  yet  their  number  is  but  small  compared  to  those 
who  believe  anything  they  are  told,  and  who  cannot  put  "  that 
and  that  "  together  for  themselves. 

So  Jerry  went  on  robbing  and  praying  and  passing  for  a  very 
proper  man.  Some  called  him  "  cunning  Jerry,"  to  distinguish 
him  from  an  uncle  who  was  Jerry  also  ;  but  as  this  name  would 
iiot  do  for  the  family  to  adopt,  he  was  generally  designated  by 
them  as  "  Want-nothin'-lmt-wliat's-right  Jerry,"  that  being  the 
form  of  words  with  which  he  generally  prefaced  his  extortions. 
In  the  same  way  they  distinguished  between  a  fat  Joe  and  a  thin 
one,  calling  the  thin  one  merely  "  Joe,"  and  the  M  one  "  Joe  who 
can't  get  within  half  a  yard  of  the  table  ; "  and  between  two 
clerks,  each  bearing  tiie  not  uncommon  name  of  Smith,  one  being 
called  Smith,  the  other  "  Head-and-shouklers  Smith," — the  latter, 
of  course,  taking  his  title  from  his  figure. 

AVith  this  outline  of  the  Pringle  family,  we  will  proceed  to 
draw  out  such  of  its  members  as  figure  more  conspicuously  in  our 
story. 

With  Mrs.  William  Pringle's  (nee  Willing)  birth,  parentage,  and 
education,  we  would  gladly  furnish  the  readers  of  this  work  with 
some  information,  but,  unfortunately,  it  does  not  lie  in  our  power 
so  to  do,  for  the  simple  reason,  that  we  do  not  know  anything. 
We  first  find  her  located  at  that  eminent  Court  milliner  and 
dressmaker's,  Madame  Adelaide  Banboxeney,  in  Furbelow  Street, 
Berkeley  Square,  where  her  elegant  manners,  and  obliging  dis- 
position, to  say  nothing  of  her  taste  in  torturing  ribbons  and 
wreaths,  and  her  talent  for  making  plain  girls  into  pretty  ones, 
earned  for  her  a  very  distinguished  reputation.  She  soon  became 
first-hand,  or  trier-on,  and  unfortunately,  was  afterwards  tempted 


ASK    MAMMA.  6 

into  setting-up  for  herself,  when  she  soon  found,  that  though  fine 
ladies  like  to  be  cheated,  it  must  be  done  in  style,  and  by  some 
one,  if  not  with  a  carriage,  at  all  events  with  a  name  ;  and  that  a 
bonnet,  though  beautiful  in  Bond  Street,  loses  all  power  of 
attraction  if  it  is  known  to  come  out  of  Bloomsbury,  Miss 
Willing  was,  therefore,  soon  sold  up  ;  and  Madame  Banboxeney 
(whose  real  name  was  Brown,  Jane  Brown,  wife  of  John  BrowTi, 
who  was  a  billiard-table  marker,  until  his  wife's  fingers  set  him 
up  in  a  gig),  Madame  Banboxeney,  we  say,  thinking  to  profit  by 
Miss  Willing's  misfortunes,  ofiered  her  a  very  reduced  salary  to 
return  to  her  situation  ;  but  Miss  Willing  having  tasted  the 
sweets  of  bed,  a  thing  she  very  seldom  did  at  Madame 
Banboxeney's,  at  least  not  during  the  season,  stood  out  for  more 
money  ;  the  consequence  of  which  was,  she  lost  that  chance, 
and  had  the  benefit  of  Madame's  bad  word  at  all  the  other 
establishments  she  afterwards  applied  to.  In  this  dilemma, 
she  resolved  to  turn  her  hand  to  lady's-maid-ism  ;  and  having 
mastered  the  science  of  hair-dressing,  she  made  the  rounds 
of  the  accustomed  servant-shops,  grocers,  oilmen,  brushmen, 
and  so  on,  asking  if  they  knew  of  any  one  wanting  a  perfect 
lady's-maid. 

As  usual  in  almost  all  the  affairs  of  life,  the  first  attempt  was  a 
failure.  She  got  into  what  she  thoroughly  despised,  an  untitled 
family,  where  she  had  a  great  deal  more  to  do  than  she  liked, 
and  was  grossly  "  put  upon  "  both  by  the  master  and  missis.  She 
gave  the  place  up,  because,  as  she  said,  "the  master  would  come 
into  the  missis's  room  with  nothing  but  his  night-shirt  and 
spectacles  on,"  but,  in  reality,  because  the  missis  had  some  of  her 
things  made-up  for  the  children  instead  of  passing  them  on,  as  of 
right  they  ought  to  have  been,  to  her.  She  deeply  regretted 
ever  having  demeaned  herself  by  taking  such  a  situation.  Being 
thus  out  of  place,  and  finding  the  many  applications  she  made  for 
other  situations,  when  she  gave  a  rcfei'ence  to  her  former  one, 
always  resulted  in  the  ladies  declining  hci'  services,  sometimes  on 
the  plea  of  being  already  suited,  or  of  another  "young  person" 
having  applied  just  before  her,  or  of  her  licing  too  young  (they 
never  said  too  pretty,  though  one  elderly  lady  on  seeing  her  shook 
her  head,  and  said  she  "had  sons")  ;  and",  being  tired  of  living 
on  old  tea  leaves,  Miss  Willinof  resolved  to  sink  her  former  place, 
and  advertise  as  if  she  had  just  left  ^Madame  l)anboxeney's. 
Accordingly  she  drew  out  a  very  specious  advertisement,  headed 
"TO  THE  NOiuLiTY,"  oircring  the  services  of  a  lady's-maid,  who 
thoroughly  understood  millinery,  dress-making,  hair-dressing,  and 
getting  up  fine  linen,  with  an  address  to  a  cheese  shop,  and  made 
an  arrangement  to  give  Madame  Banboxeney  a  lift  witli  a  heavy 


6  ASK    MAMMA, 

wedding  order  she  was  busy  upon,  if  she  would  recommend  her  as 
jusi  fresh  from  her  establishment. 

This  advertisement  produced  a  goodly  crop  of  letters,  and  Miss 
Willing  presently  closed  with  the  Honourable  Mrs.  Cavessou, 
whose  husband  was  a  good  deal  connected  with  the  turf,  enjoying 
that  certain  road  to  ruin  which  so  many  have  pursued  ;  and  it 
says  much  for  Miss  Willing's  acuteness,  that  though  she  entered 
Mrs.  Cavesson's  service  late  in  the  day,  when  all  the  preliminaries 
for  a  smash  had  been  perfected,  her  fine  sensibilities  and  dis- 
crimination enabled  her  to  anticipate  the  coming  evil,  and  to 
deposit  her  mistress's  jewellery  in  a  place  of  safety  three-quarters 
of  an  hour  before  the  bailiffs  entered.  This  act  of  fidelity  greatly 
enhanced  her  reputation,  and  as  it  was  well  known  that  "poor 
dear  Mrs.  Cavesson  "  Avould  not  be  able  to  keep  her,  there  were 
several  great  candidates  for  this  "  treasure  of  a  maid."  Miss 
Willing  had  now  nothing  to  do  but  pick  and  choose  ;  and  after 
some  consideration,  she  selected  what  she  called  a  high  quality 
family,  one  where  there  was  a  regular  assessed  tax-paper  establish 
ment  of  servants,  where  the  butler  sold  his  lord's  wine-custom  to 
the  highest  bidder,  and  the  heads  of  all  the  departments  received 
their  "  reglars "  upon  the  tradesmen's  bills  ;  the  lady  never 
demeaning  herself  by  wearing  the  same  gloves  or  ball-shoes  twice, 
or  propitiating  the  nurse  by  presents  of  raiment  that  was  un- 
doubtedly hers — we  mean  the  maid's.  She  was  a  real  lady,  in  the 
proper  acceptation  of  the  terra. 

Tiiis  was  the  beautiful,  and  then  newly  manned,  Countess 
Delacey,  whose  exquisite  garniture  will  still  live  in  the  recollec- 
tion of  many  of  the  now  bald-headed  beaux  of  that  period.  For 
these  dehgHtful  successes,  the  countess  was  mainly  indebted  to  our 
hero's  mother,  Miss  Willing,  whose  suggestive  genius  oft  came  to 
the  aid  of  the  perplexed  and  exhausted  milliner.  It  was  to  the 
service  of  the  Countess  Delacey  that  Miss  Willing  was  indebted 
for  becoming  the  wife  of  Mr.  Pringle,  afterwards  "  Fine  Billy  the 
first," — an  event  that  deserves  to  be  introduced  in  a  separate 
'lapter. 


ASK    MAM3IA. 


CHAPTER    II. 


THE   KOAD. 


IT  was  on  a 
cold,  damp, 
raw  December 
morning,  be- 
fore the  eman- 
cipating civi- 
lisation of 
railways,  that 
our  hero's  fa- 
ther, then  re- 
turning from 
a  trading  tour, 
after  stamp- 
ing up  and 
down  tlie 

damp  flags  be- 
fore the  Lion 
and  Unicorn 
hotel  and 

posting -house 
at  81o])pcrton, 
waiting  for 
the  old  Trr.e 
Blue  Inde- 
pendent coach 

"comin'  hup,"  for  whose  cramped  inside  he  had  booked  a  pre- 
ference seat,  at  length  found  himself  bandied  into  the  straw- 
bottomed  vehicle,  to  a  very  difFerent  companion  to  what  he  was 
accustomed  to  meet  in  those  deplorable  conveyances.  Instead 
of  a  fusty  old  farmer,  or  a  crumby  basket-encumbered  market- 
woman,  he  found  himself  opposite  a  smiling,  radiant  young  lady, 
whose  elegant  dress  and  ring-bedizened  hand  proclaimed,  as  indeed 
was  then  generally  the  case  with  ladies,  that  she  was  travelling  ii; 
a  coach  "  for  the  lirst  time  in  her  life." 
This  was  our  fair  friend.  Miss  Willing. 

The  Earl  and  Countess  Delacey  had  just  received  an  invitation 
to  spend  the  Christmas  at  Tiara  Castle,  where  the  countess  on  the 
previous  year  had  received  if  not  a  defeat,  at  all  events  had 
not  achieved  a  triumph,  in  the  dressing  way,  over  the  Countess  of 


OUR   HF.ROS    ANCKSTORS. 


d  ASK    MAMMA. 

Honiton,  whose  maid,  Miss  Criblace,  though  now  bribed  to 
secrecy  with  a  Ml  set  of  very  little  the  worse  for  wear  Chinchilla 
fur,  had  kept  the  fur  and  told  the  secret  to  Miss  Willing,  that 
their  ladyships  were  to  meet  again.  Miss  Willing  was  now  on  her 
way  to  town,  to  arrange  with  the  Countess's  milliner  for  an  anni- 
hilating series  of  morning  and  evening  dresses  wherewith  to 
extinguish  Lady  Honiton,  it  being  utterly  impossible,  as  our 
fair  friends  will  avouch,  for  any  lady  to  appear  twice  in  the  same 
attire.  How  thankful  men  ought  to  be  that  the  same  rule  does 
not  prevail  with  them  ! 

Miss  Willing  was  extremely  well  got  up  ;  for  being  of  nearly  the 
same  size  as  the  countess,  her  ladyship's  slightly-worn  things 
passed  on  to  her  with  scarcely  a  perceptible  diminution  of 
freshness,  it  being  remarkable  how,  in  even  third  and  fourth-rate 
establishments,  dresses  that  were  not  fit  for  the  "  missus  "  to  be 
seen  in  come  out  quite  new  aud  smart  on  the  maid. 

On  this  occasion  ]\Iiss  Willing  ran  entirely  to  the  dark  colours, 
just  such  as  a  lady  travelling  in  her  own  carriage  might  be 
expected  to  wear.  A  black  terry  velvet  bonnet  with  a  single 
ostrich  feather,  a  dark  brown  Levantine  silk  dress,  with  rich  sable 
cuffs,  muff,  and  boa,  and  a  pair  of  well-fitting  primrose-coloured 
kid  gloves,  which  if  they  ever  had  been  on  before  had  not  suffered 
by  the  act. 

Billy — old  Billy  that  is  to  say — was  quite  struck  in  a  heap  at 
such  an  unwonted  apparition,  and  after  the  then  usual  salutations, 
and  inquiries  how  she  would  like  to  have  the  window,  he  popped 
the  old  question,  "  How  far  was  she  going  ?  "  with  very  different 
feelings  to  what  it  was  generally  asked,  when  the  traveller  wished 
to  calculate  how  soon  he  might  hope  to  get  rid  of  his  vis-a-vis 
and  lay  up  his  legs  on  the  seat. 

"  To  town,"  replied  the  lady,  dimpling  her  pretty  cheeks  with  a 
smile.  "And  you  ?"  asked  she,  thinking  to  have  as  good  as  she 
gave. 

"  Ditto,"  replied  the  delighted  Billy,  divesting  himself  of  a 
great  coarse  blue  and  white  worsted  comforter,  and  pulling  up  his 
tiomewhat  dejected  gills,  abandoning  the  idea  of  economising 
his  Lincoln  and  Bennett  by  the  substitution  of  an  old  Gregoi7's 
mixture  coloured  fur  cap,  with  its  great  ears  tied  over  the 
top,  in  which  he  had  snoozed  and  snored  tlu'ough  many  a  long 
journey. 

Miss  Willing  then  drew  from  her  richly-buckled  belt  a  beautiful 
Geneva  watch  set  round  with  pearls,  (her  ladyship's,  which  she 
was  taking  to  town  to  have  repaired),  aud  Billy  followed  suit 
with  his  substantial  gold-repeater,  with  which  he  struck  the  hour. 
Miss  then  ungloved  the  other  hand,  aud  passed  it  down  her  glossy 


ASK    MAMMA.  » 

brown  hair,  all  smooth  and  regular,  for  she  had  just  been  scrutinis- 
ing it  in  a  pocket-mirror  she  had  in  her  gold-embroidered  reticule. 

Billy's  commercial  soul  was  in  ecstacies,  and  he  was  fairly  over 
head  and  ears  in  love  before  they  came  to  the  first  change  of 
horses.  He  had  never  seen  sich  a  sample  of  a  hand  before,  no,  nor 
sich  a  face  ;  and  he  felt  quite  relieved  when  among  the  multipli- 
city of  rings  he  failed  to  discover  that  thin  plain  gold  one  that 
intimates  so  much. 

Whatever  disadvantages  old  stage  coaches  possessed,  and  their 
name  certainly  was  legion,  it  must  be  admitted  that  in  a  case  of 
this  sort  their  slowness  was  a  recommendation.  The  old  True 
IJhie  Independent  did  not  profess  to  travel  or  trail  above  eight 
miles  an  hour,  and  this  it  only  accomplished  under  favourable 
circumstances,  such  as  light  loads,  good  roads,  and  stout  steeds, 
instead  of  the  top-heavy  cargo  that  now  ploughed  along  the 
woolly  turnpike  after  the  weak,  jaded  horses,  that  seemed  hardly 
able  to  keep  their  legs  against  the  keen  careering  wind.  If,  under 
such  circumstances,  the  wretched  concern  made  the  wild-beast- 
show  looking  place  in  London,  called  an  inn,  where  it  put  up,  an 
hour  or  an  hour  and  a  half  or  so  after  its  time,  it  was  said  to  be  all 
very  well,  *'  considering," — and  this,  perhaps,  in  a  journey  of  sixty 
miles. 

Posterity  will  know  nothing  of  the  misery  their  forefathers 
underwent  in  the  travelling  way  ;  and  whenever  we  hear — which 
we  often  do — unreasonable  grumblings  about  the  absence  of 
trifling  luxuries  on  railways,  we  are  tempted  to  wish  the  parties 
consigned  to  a  good  long  ride  in  an  old  stage  coach.  Why  the 
worst  third  class  that  ever  was  put  next  the  engine  is  infinitely 
better  than  the  inside  of  the  best  of  them  used  to  be,  to  say 
nothing  of  the  speed.  As  to  the  outsidcs  of  the  old  coaches,  with 
their  roastings,  their  soakings,  their  freezings,  and  their  smother- 
ings with  dust,  one  cannot  but  feel  that  the  establishment  of 
railways  was  a  downright  prolongation  of  life.  Then  the  coach 
refreshments,  or  want  of  refreshments  rather  ;  the  turning  out  at 
all  hours  to  breakfast,  dine,  or  sup,  just  as  the  coach  reached  the 
house  of  a  proprietor  "wot  oss'd  it,"  and  the  cool  incivility  of 
every  body  about  the  place.  Any  thing  was  good  enough  for  a 
coach  passenger. 

<  )n  this  auspicious  day,  though  i\nss  Williiig  had  her  reticule  full 
of  macaroons  and  sponge  biscuits,  and  Fine  Billy  the  first  had  a 
great  bulging  paper  of  sandwiches  in  his  brown  overcoat  pocket, 
they  neither  of  them  i'elt  the  slightest  approach  to  liunger,  ere  the 
lumbering  vehicle,  after  a  series  of  clumsy,  would-be-dash-cutting 
lurches  and  evolutions  over  the  rough  inequalities  of  the  country 
pavement,  pulled  up  short  at  the  arched  doorway  of  the  Salutation 


10  ASK    MAMMA. 

Inn — we  beg  pardon,  hotel — in  Bramfordrig,  and  a  many-coated, 
brandy-faced,  blear-eyed  guard  let  in  a  whole  hurricane  of  wind 
while  proclaiming  that  they  "dined  there  and  stopped  half  an 
hour."  Then  Fine  Billy  the  first  had  an  opportunity  of  showing 
his  gallantry  and  surveying  the  figure  of  his  innamorata,  as  he 
helped  her  down  the  perilous  mud-shot  iron  steps  of  the  old 
Independent,  and  certainly  never  countess  descended  from  her 
carriage  on  a  drawing-room  day  with  greater  elegance  than  Miss 
Willing  displayed  on  the  present  occasion,  showing  a  Ze^tle  circle 
of  delicate  white  linen  petticoat  as  she  protected  her  clothes  from 
the  mud-begiimed  wheel,  and  just  as  much  fine  open-worked 
stocking  above  the  fringed  top  of  her  Adelaide  boots.  On  reach- 
ing the  ground,  which  she  did  with  a  curtsey,  she  gave  such  a 
sweet  smile  as  emboldened  our  Billy  to  offer  his  arm  ;  and  amid 
the  nudging  of  outsiders,  and  staring  of  street-loungers,  and 
"make  way"-ing  of  inn  hangers-on,  our  Billy  strutted  up  the 
archway  with  all  the  dignity  of  a  drum-i.ajor.  His  admiration 
increased  as  he  now  became  sensible  of  the  lady's  height,  for  like 
all  little  men  he  was  an  admirer  of  tall  women.  As  he  caught  a 
glimpse  of  himself  in  the  unbecoming  mirror  between  the  drab 
and  red  fringed  window  curtains  of  the  little  back  room  into 
which  they  were  ushered,  he  wished  he  had  had  on  his  new 
blue  coat  and  bright  buttons,  with  a  bufi"  vest,  instead  of  the 
invisible  green  and  black  spot  swansdown  one  in  which  he  was 
then  attired. 

The  outside  passengers  having  descended  from  their  eminences, 
proceeded  to  flagellate  themselves  into  circulation,  and  throw  off 
their  husks,  while  Billy  strutted  consequentially  in  with  the  lady 
on  his  arm,  and  placed  her  in  the  seat  of  honour  beside  himself 
at  the  top  of  the  table.  The  outsides  then  came  swarming  in, 
jostling  the  dish-bearers  and  seating  themselves  as  they  could.  All 
Bcemed  bent  upon  getting  as  much  as  they  could  for  their  money. 

Pork  was  the  repast.  Pork  in  various  shapes  :  roast  at  the  top, 
boiled  at  the  bottom,  sausages  on  one  side,  fry  on  the  other  ;  and 
Miss  Willing  couldn't  eat  pork,  and,  curious  coincidence  !  neither 
could  Billy.  The  lady  having  intimated  this  to  Billy  in  the  most 
delicate  way  possible,  for  she  had  a  particular  reason  for  not  wish- 
ing to  aggravate  the  new  landlord,  Mr.  Bouncible,  Billy  gladly 
sallied  forth  to  give  battle  as  it  were  on  his  own  account,  and  by 
way  of  impressing  the  household  with  his  consequence,  he  ordered 
a  bottle  of  TenerifTe  as  he  passed  the  bar,  and  then  commenced  a 
furious  onslaught  about  the  food  when  he  got  into  the  kitchen. 
This  reading  of  the  riot  act  brought  Bouncible  from  his  "  Times," 
who  having  been  in  the  profession  himself  took  Billy  for  a 
nobleman's  gentleman,  or  a  house-steward  at  least — a  class  of  men 


ASK    MAMMA. 


11 


not  so  easily  put  upon  as  their  masters.  He  therefore,  after 
sundry  regrets  at  the  fare  not  being  'zactly  to  their  mind,  wliich 
he  attributed  to  its  being  washing-day,  offered  to  let  them  have 


the  first  tui'n  at  a  very  nice  dish  of  haslicd  vonison  that  was  then 
simmering  on  tlic  fire  for  jNfrs.  B.  and  liimself,  provided  oui 
travellers  would  have  the  goodness  to  call  it  haslied  mutton,  so 
that  it  might  not  be  devoured  by  the  outsiders,  a  class  of  people 
whom  all  landlords  held  in  great  contempt.  Tu  this  proposition 
Billy  readily  assenied,  and  returned  triumphantly  to  the  object  of 


12  ASK    MAMMA. 

his  adoration.  He  tlien  slashed  right  and  left  at  the  roast  pork, 
and  had  every  plate  but  hers  full  by  the  time  the  hashed  mutton 
made  its  appearance.  He  then  culled  out  all  the  delicate  tit-bits 
for  his  fair  partner,  and  decked  her  hot  plate  with  sweet  sauce 
and  mealy  potatoes.  Billy's  turn  came  next,  and  amidst  demands 
for  malt  liquor  and  the  arrival  of  smoking  tumblers  of  brown 
brandy  aud  water,  clatter,  patter,  clatter,  patter,  became  the  order 
of  the  day,  with  an  occasional  suspicious,  not  to  say  dissatisfied, 
glance  of  a  pork-eating  passenger  at  the  savoury  dish  at  the  top  of 
the  table.  Mr.  Bouncible,  however,  brought  in  the  Teneriffe  just 
at  the  critical  moment,  when  Billy  having  replenished  both 
plates,  the  pork-eaters  might  have  expected  to  be  let  in  ;  and 
walked  off  with  the  dish  in  exchange  for  the  decanter.  Our 
friends  then  pledged  each  other  in  a  bumper  of  Cape.  The  pork 
was  followed  by  an  extremely  large  strong-smelling  Cheshire 
cheese,  in  a  high  wooden  cradle,  which  in  its  turn  was  followed  by 
an  extremely  large  strong-smelling  man  in  a  mountainous  many- 
caped  greatcoat,  who  with  a  bob  of  his  head  and  a  kick  out 
behind,  intimated  that  paying  time  was  come  for  him.  Growls 
were  then  heard  of  its  not  being  half  an  hour,  or  of  not  having 
had  their  full  time,  accompanied  by  dives  into  the  pockets  and 
reticules  for  the  needful — each  person  wondering  how  little  he 
could  give  without  a  snubbing.  Quite  "optional"  of  course. 
Billy,  who  was  bent  on  doing  the  magnificent,  produced  a  large 
green-and-gold-tasseled  purse,  almost  as  big  as  a  stocking,  and 
drew  therefrom  a  great  five-shilling  piece,  which  having  tapped 
imposingly  on  his  plate,  he  handed  ostentatiously  to  the  man, 
saying,  "  for  this  lady  and  me,"  just  as  if  she  belonged  to  him  ; 
whereupon  down  went  the  head  even  with  the  table,  with  an 
undertoned  intimation  that  Billy  "  needn't  'urry,  for  he  would 
make  it  all  right  with  the  guard."  The  waiter  followed  close  on 
the  heels  of  the  coachman,  drawing  every  body  for  half-a-crown 
for  the  dinner,  besides  what  they  had  had  to  drink,  and  what  they 
"pleased  for  himself,"  and  Billy  again  anticipated  the  lady  by 
paying  for  both.  Instead,  however,  of  disputing  his  right  so  to 
do,  she  seemed  to  take  it  as  a  matter  of  course,  and  bent  a  little 
forward  and  said  in  a  sort  of  half-whisper,  though  loud  enough  to 
be  heard  by  a  twinkling-eyed,  clayey-complexioned  she-outsider, 
sitting  opposite,  dressed  in  a  puce-coloured  cloth  pelisse  and  a 
pheasant-feather  bonnet,  "  I  fear  you  will  think  me  very  trouble- 
some, but  do  you  think  you  could  manage  to  get  me  a  finger- 
glass  ?  "  twiddling  her  pretty  taper  fingers  as  she  spoke. 
"  Certainly  ! "  replied  Billy,  all  alacrity,  "  certainly." 
"  With  a  little  tepid  water,"  continued  Miss  Willing,  looking 
imploringly  at  Billy  as  he  rose  to  fulfil  her  behests. 


ASK    MAMMA.  13 

'•  Such  airs  ! "  growled  Pheasant-feathers  to  her  next  neighbour 
with  an  indignant  toss  of  her  colour-varying  head. 

Billy  presently  appeared,  bearing  one  of  the  old  deep  blue- 
patterned  finger-glasses,  with  a  fine  damask  napkin,  marked  with 
a  ducal  coronet — one  of  the  usual  perquisites  of  servitude. 

Miss  then  holding  each  pretty  hand  downwards,  stripped  her 
fingers  of  their  rings,  just  as  a  gardener  strips  a  stalk  of  currants 
of  its  fruit,  dropping,  however,  a  large  diamond  ring  (belong- 
ing to  her  ladyship,  which  she  was  just  airing)  skilfully  under 
the  table,  and  for  which  fat  Billy  had  to  dive  like  a  dog  after  an 
otter. 

"  Oh,  dear  !  "  she  was  quite  ashamed  at  her  awkwardness  and 
the  trouble  she  had  given,  she  assured  Billy,  as  he  rose  red  and 
panting  from  the  pursuit. 

"Done  on  purpose  to  show  her  finery,"  muttered  Pheasant-feather 
bonnet,  with  a  sneer. 

Miss  having  just  passed  the  wet  end  of  the  napkin  across  her 
cherry  lips  and  pearly  teeth,  and  dipped  her  fingers  becomingly  in 
the  warm  water,  was  restoring  her  manifold  rings,  when  the  shrill 
twang,  twang,  twang  of  the  horn,  with  the  prancing  of  some  of  the 
newly-harnessed  cripples  on  the  pavement  as  they  tried  to  find  their 
legs,  sounded  up  the  arch-way  into  the  little  room,  and  warned 
our  travellers  that  they  should  be  reinvesting  themselves  in  their 
wraps.  So  declining  any  more  Teneriffe,  Miss  Willing  set  the 
example  by  drawing  on  her  pretty  kid  gloves,  and  rising  to  give 
the  time  to  the  rest.     Up  they  all  got. 


CHAPTER    III. 

THE   ROAD   RESL'MHl). — MISS   rHEASANT-FEATHERS. 

The  room,  as  we  said  before,  being  crammed,  and  our  fair 
friend  Miss  Willing  taking  some  time  to  pass  gracefully  down  the 
line  of  chair-backs,  many  of  whose  late  occupants  were  now 
swinging  their  arms  about  in  all  the  exertion  of  tying  up  their 
mouths,  and  fighting  their  ways  into  their  over-coats,  Mr.  Pringle, 
as  he  followed,  had  a  good  opportunity  of  examining  her  exquisite 
toumiere,  than  which  he  thought  he  never  saw  anything  more 
beautifully  perfect.  He  was  quite  proud  when  a  little  more  width 
of  room  at  the  end  of  the  table  enabled  him  to  squeeze  past  a 
robing,  Dutch-built  BriLish-lace-vending  pack-woman,  and  reclaim 
his  fail  friend,  just  as  a  gentleman  does  his  partner  at  the  end 


14  ASK    MAMMA. 

of  an  old  country  dance.  How  exultingly  he  marched  her  through 
the  line  of  inn  hangerg-on,  hosilers,  waiteis,  porters,  post-boys, 
coachmen,  and  insatiable  Matthews-at-home  of  an  inn  establish- 
ment, "  Boots,"  a  gentleman  who  will  undertake  all  characters 
in  succession  for  a  consideration.  How  thankful  we  ought  to  be 
to  be  done  with  these  harpies  ! 

Bouncible,  either  mistaking  the  rank  of  his  guests,  or  wanting 
to  have  a  better  look  at  the  lady,  emerged  from  his  glass-fronted 
den  of  a  bar,  and  salaam'd  them  up  to  the  dirty  coach,  where  the 
highly-fee'd  coachman  stood  door  in  hand,  waiting  to  perform  thft 
last  act  of  attention  for  his  money.  In  went  Billy  and  the  beauty, 
or  rather  the  beauty  and  Billy,  bang  went  the  door,  the  outsiders 
scrambled  up  on  to  their  perches  and  shelves  as  best  they  could. 
"  All  right !  Sit  tight!  "  was  presently  heard,  and  whip,  jip,  crack, 
cut,  three  blind  'uns  and  a  bolter  were  again  bumping  the  lumber- 
ing vehicle  along  the  cobble-stoned  street,  bringing  no  end  of 
cherry  cheeks  and  corkscrew  ringlets  to  the  windows,  to  mark 
that  important  epoch  of  the  day,  the  coach  passing  by. 

Billy,  feeling  all  the  better  for  his  dinner,  and  inspirited  by 
sundry  gulps  of  wine,  proceeded  to  make  himself  comfortable,  in 
order  to  open  fire  as  soon  as  ever  the  coach  got  off  the  stones. 
He  took  a  rapid  retrospect  of  all  the  various  angels  he  had  en- 
countered, those  who  had  favoured  him,  those  who  had  frowned, 
and  he  was  decidedly  of  opinion  that  he  had  never  seen  anything 
to  compare  to  the  fair  lady  before  him.  He  was  rich  and  thriving 
and  would  please  himself  without  consulting  Want-nothin'-but- 
what's-right  Jerry,  Half-a-yard-of-the-table  Joe,  or  any  of  them. 
It  wasn't  like  as  if  they  were  to  be  in  Co.  with  him  in  the  lady. 
She  would  never  come  into  the  balance  sheets.  No  ;  she  was  to 
be  all  his,  and  they  had  no  business  with  it.  He  believed  Want- 
nothin'-but-what's-right  would  be  glad  if  he  never  married.  Just 
then  the  coach  glid  from  the  noisy  pavement  on  to  the  compara- 
tively speaking  silent  macadamised  road,  and  Billy  and  the  ladj 
opened  fire  simultaneously,  the  lady  about  the  discomforts  of  coach- 
travelling,  which  she  had  never  tried  before,  and  Billy  about  the 
smack  of  the  TeneriQe,  which  he  thought  very  earthy.  He  had 
some  capital  wine  at  home,  he  said,  as  everybody  has.  This  led 
him  to  London,  the  street  conveniences  or  inconveniences  as  they 
then  were  of  the  metropolis,  which  subject  he  plied  for  the  purpose 
of  finding  out  as  well  where  the  lady  lived  as  whether  her  carriage 
would  meet  her  or  not ;  but  this  she  skilfully  parried,  by  asking 
Billy  where  he  lived,  and  finding  it  was  Doughty  Street,  Russell 
Square,  she  observed,  as  in  truth  it  is,  that  it  was  a  very  airy  part  of 
the  town,  and  proceeded  to  expatiate  on  the  beauty  of  the  flowers 
in  Covent  Garder.  from  whence  she  got  to  the  theatres,  then  ♦'•0 


T»^    PARSING    OF    THE    STAQE-COACH. 


ASK    MAMMA.  16 

the  opera,  intimating  a  very  considerable  acquaintance  as  well  with 
tho  capital  as  with  that  enchanted  circle,  the  West-end,  compris- 
iug  in  its  contracted  limits  what  is  called  the  world.  Billy  was 
puzzled.  He  wished  she  mightn't  be  a  cut  above  him — such 
lords,  such  ladies,  such  knowledge  of  the  court — could  she  be  a 
maid-of-honour  ?  Well,  he  didn't  care.  No  ask  no  have,  so  he 
proceeded  with  the  pumping  process  again.  "  Did  she  live  in 
town  ?  " 

Fair  Lady. — "  Part  of  the  year." 

Billij. — "During  the  season  I  'spose  ?  " 

Fair  Lady. — "  During  the  sitting  of  parliament." 

*'  There  again  ! "  thought  Billy,  fceUng  the  expectation-funds 
fall  ten  per  cent,  at  least.  "Well,  faint  heart  never  won  fair 
lady,"  continued  he  to  himself,  considering  how  next  he  should 
sound  her.  She  was  very  beautiful — what  pretty  pearly  teeth 
she  had,  and  such  a  pair  of  rosy  lips — such  a  fair  forehead  too, 
and  such  nice  hair — he'd  give  a  fipun  note  for  a  kiss  ! — he'd  give 
a  tenpun  note  for  a  kiss  ! — dashed  if  he  wouldn't  give  a  lifty- 
pun  for  a  kiss.  Then  he  wondered  what  Head-and-shoulders 
Smith  would  think  of  her.  As  ho  didn't  seem  to  be  making 
much  progress,  however,  in  the  information  way,  he  now  desisted 
from  that  consideration,  and  while  contemplating  her  beauty 
considered  how  best  he  should  carry  on  the  siege.  Should  he 
declare  who  and  what  he  was,  making  the  best  of  himself  of 
course,  and  ask  her  to  be  equally  explicit,  or  should  he  beat  about 
the  bush  a  little  longer  and  try  to  fish  out  what  he  could  about  her. 

They  had  a  good  deal  of  day  before  them  yet,  dark  though  the 
latter  part  of  it  would  be  ;  which,  however,  on  second  thoughts, 
he  felt  might  be  rather  iavourable,  inasmuch  as  she  wouldn't  see 
when  he  was  taken  aback  by  her  answers.  He  would  beat  about 
the  bush  a  little  longer.     It  was  very  pleasant  sport. 

"  Did  you  say  you  lived  in  Chelsea  ?  "  at  length  asked  Billy,  in 
a  stupid  self-convicting  sort  of  way. 

"  No,"  replied  the  fair  lady  with  a  smile  ;  "  I  never  mentioned 
Chelsea." 

"  Oh,  no ;  no  more  you  did,"  replied  Billy,  taken  aback, 
especially  as  the  lady  led  up  to  no  other  place. 

"Did  she  like  the  country?"  at  lengtli  asked  ho,  thinking  to 
try  and  fix  her  locality  there,  if  he  could  not  earth  her  in  London. 

"  Yes,  she  likc<^  tlie  country,  at  least  out  of  the  season — there 
was  no  place  like  London  in  the  season,"  she  thought. 

Billy  thought  so  too  ;  it  was  the  best  place  in  summer,  and  the 
only  ]ilace  in  winter. 

AW'li,  the  lady  didn't  know,  but  if  she  had  to  choose  either  place 
for  ft  peiiuancncy,  she  would  choose  London, 


16  ASK    MAMMA. 

This  sent  the  Billy  funds  up  a  little.  He  forgot  his  intention 
of  following  her  into  the  country,  and  began  to  expatiate  upon 
the  luxuries  of  London,  the  capital  fish  they  got,  the  cod  and 
hoyster  sauce  (for  when  excited,  he  knocked  his  h's  about  a  little), 
the  cod  and  hoyster  sauce,  the  turbot,  the  mackerel,  the  mullet, 
that  woodcock  of  the  sea,  as  he  exultingly  called  it,  thinking  what 
a  tuck-out  he  would  have  in  revenge  for  his  country  inn  abstin- 
ence. He  then  got  upon  the  splendour  of  his  own  house  in 
Doughty  Street — the  most  agreeable  in  London.  Its  spacioiis 
entrance,  its  elegant  stone  staircase  ;  his  beautiful  drawing- 
room,  with  its  maroon  and  rose  -  coloured  brocaded  satin 
damask  curtains,  and  rich  Toumay  carpet,  its  beautiful  chandelier 
of  eighteen  lights,  and  Piccolo  pianoforte,  and  was  describing  a 
most  magnificent  mirror — we  don't  know  what  size,  but  most 
beautiful  and  becoming — when  the  pace  of  the  vehicle  was 
sensibly  felt  to  relax  ;  and  before  they  had  time  to  speculate  on 
the  cause,  it  had  come  to  a  stand-still. 

"  Stopped,"  observed  Billy,  lowering  the  window  to  look  out  for 
squalls. 

No  sooner  was  the  window  down,  than  a  head  at  the  door 
proclaimed  mischief.  The  tete-a-tete  was  at  an  end.  The  guard 
was  going  to  put  Pheasant-feather  bonnet  inside.  Open  sesame 
— w-h-i-s-h.     In  came  the  cutting  wind — oh  dear  what  a  day  ! 

"  Rum  for  a  leddy  ? "  asked  the  guard,  raising  a  great  half- 
frozen,  grog-blossomy  face  out  of  the  blue  and  white  coil  of  a 
shawl-cravat  in  which  it  was  enveloped, — "  Git  in"  continued  he, 
shouldering  the  leddy  up  the  steps,  without  waiting  for  an  answer, 
and  in  popped  Pheasant-feathers  ;  when,  slamming-to  the  door, 
he  cried  ^^ rigid!"  to  the  coachman,  and  on  went  the  vehicle, 
leaving  the  euterer  to  settle  into  a  seat  by  its  shaking,  after  the 
manner  of  the  omnibus  cads,  who  seem  to  think  all  they  have  to 
do  is  to  see  people  past  the  door.  As  it  was,  the  new-comer 
alighted  upon  Billy,  who  cannoned  her  off  against  the  opposiie 
door,  and  then  made  himself  as  big  as  he  could,  the  better  to 
incommode  her.  Pheasant-feathers,  however,  having  effected  an 
entrance,  seemed  to  regard  herself  as  good  as  her  neighbours,  and 
forthwith  proceeded  to  adjust  the  window  to  her  liking,  des])ite 
the  eyeing  and  staring  of  Miss  Willing.  Billy  was  indignant  at 
the  nasty  peppermint-drop-smelling  woman  intruding  between  the 
wind  and  his  beauty,  and  inwardly  resolved  he  would  dock  the 
guard's  fee  for  his  presumption  in  putting  her  there.  Miss  Willing 
gathered  herself  together  as  if  afraid  of  contamination  ;  and,  for- 
getting her  role,  declared,  after  a  jolt  received  in  one  of  her  seat- 
shiftings,  that  it  was  just  the  "  smallest  coach  she  had  ever  been 
in."     She  then  began  to  scrutinise  her  female  companion*!  attire. 


ASK    MAMMA.  17 

A  cottage-bonnet,  made  of  pheasant-feathers  ;  was  there  ever 
such  a  frightful  thing  seen, — all  the  colours  of  the  rainbow  com- 
bined,— must  be  a  poacher's  daughter,  or  a  poulterer's.  Paste 
egg-coloured  ribbons  ;  what  a  cloth  pelisse, — puce  colour  in  some 
parts, — bath-brick  colour  in  others, — nearly  drab  in  others, — 
thread-bare  all  over.  Dare  say  she  thought  herself  fine,  with  her 
braided  waist,  up  to  her  ears.  Her  glazy  gloves  might  be  any 
colour — black,  brown,  green,  gray.  Then  a  qualm  siiot  across 
Miss  Williug'smind  that  she  had  seen  the  pelisse  before.  Yes,  no, 
yes  ;  she  believed  it  was  the  very  one  she  had  sold  to  Mrs.  Pickles' 
nursery  governess  for  eighteen  shillings.  So  it  was.  She  had 
stripped  the  fur  edging  oif  herself,  and  there  were  the  marks. 
Who  could  the  wearer  be  ?  Where  could  she  have  got  it  ?  She 
could  not  recollect  ever  having  seen  her  unwholesome  face  before. 
And  yet  the  little  ferrety,  white-lashed  eyes  settled  upon  her  as  if 
they  knew  her.  Who  could  she  be  ?  What,  if  she  had  lived 
fellow — (we'll  not  say  what) — with  the  creature  somewhere. 
There  was  no  knowing  people  out  of  their  working  clothes,  espe- 
cially when  they  set  up  to  ride  inside  of  coaches.  Altogether,  it 
was  very  unpleasant. 

Billy  remarked  his  fair  friend's  altered  mood,  and  rightly  attri- 
buted it  to  the  intrusion  of  the  nasty  woman,  whose  gaudy  head- 
gear the  iew  flickering  rays  of  a  December  sun  were  now  lighting 
up,  making  the  feathers,  so  beautiful  on  a  bird,  look,  to  Billy's 
mind,  so  ugly  on  a  bonnet,  at  least  on  the  bonnet  that  now 
thatched  the  iVightful  face  beside  him.  Billy  saw  the  fair  lady 
was  not  accustomed  to  these  sort  of  companions,  and  wished  he 
had  only  had  the  sense  to  book  the  rest  of  the  inside  when  the 
coach  stopped  to  dine.  However,  it  could  not  be  helped  now  ;  so, 
having  ascertained  that  Pheasant-feathers  was  going  all  the  way 
to  "  Lunnun,  as  she  called  it,  when  the  sun  sunk  behind  its 
massive  leade'cn'loud,  preparatory  to  that  long  reign  of  darkness 
with  which  ti-avellers  were  oppressed, — for  there  wei-e  no  oil- 
lamps  to  tlie  roofs  of  stage-coaches, — Billy  b'oing  no  longer  able 
to  contemplate  the  beauties  of  his  charmei-,  now  changed  liis  seat, 
for  a  little  confidential  conversation  by  her  side. 

He  then,  after  a  few  comforting  remarks,  not  very  flattering  to 
Pheasant-feathers'  beauty,  I'esumed  his  e.\i)atiations  about  his 
splendid  house  in  Doughty  Street,  Ivussell  S(iiiare,  omitting,  of 
course,  to  mention  that  it  had  been  iitted  up  to  suit  the  taste  of 
another  lady,  who  had  jiUcd  him.  lie  bcuuii  about  his  dining- 
room,  twenty-tive  feet  by  eighteen,  with  a  polished  steel  tender, 
and  "pictors"  all  about  the  walls  ;  for,  lik-e  many  people,  he  ffiHcied 
himself  a  judge  of  the  tine  arts,  and,  of  course,  was  very  frequently 
fleeced. 

C  2 


18  ASK    MAMMA. 

This  subject,  Jiowever,  rather  hung  fire,  a  dining-room  l)eing 
about  the  last  room  in  a  house  that  a  lady  cares  to  hear  about,  so 
she  presently  cajoled  him  into  the  more;  genial  region  of  the 
kitchen,  which,  unlike  would-be  fine  ladies  of  tiie  present  day,  she 
was  not  ashamed  to  recognise.  From  the  kitchen  they  proceeded 
to  the  store-room,  which  Billy  explained  was  entered  by  a  door  at 
the  top  of  the  back  stairs,  six  feet  nine  by  two  feet  eight,  covered 
on  both  sides  with  crimson  cloth,  brass  moulded  in  ])auel8  and 
mortise  latch.  He  then  got  upon  the  endless,  but  "  never-lady- 
tiring,"  subject  of  bed-rooms — his  best  bed-room,  with  a  most  ele- 
gant five-feet-three  canopy-top,  mahogany  bedstead,  with  beautiful 
French  chintz  furniture,  lined  with  pink,  outer  and  inner  valance, 
trimmed  silk  tassel  fringe,  &c.,  &c.,  &c.  And  so  he  went  maunder- 
ing on,  paving  the  way  most  elaborately  to  an  offer,  as  some  men 
are  apt  to  do,  instead  of  getting  briskly  to  the  ''  ask-mamma " 
point,  which  the  ladies  are  generally  anxious  to  have  them  at. 

To  be  sure,  Billy  had  been  bowled  over  by  a  fair,  or  rather  unfair 
one,  who  had  appeared  quite  as  much  interested  about  his  furniture 
and  all  his  belongings  as  Miss  Willing  did,  and  who,  when  she  got 
the  offer,  and  found  he  was  not  nearly  so  well  off  as  Jack  Sanderson, 
declared  she  was  never  so  surprised  in  her  life  as  when  Billy  pro- 
posed ;  for  though,  as  she  politely  said,  every  one  who  knew  him 
must  respect  him,  yet  he  had  never  even  entered  her  head  in  any 
other  light  than  that  of  an  agreeable  companion.  This  was  Miss 
Amelia  Titterton,  afterwards  Mrs.  Sanderson.  Another  lady,  as  we 
said  before  (Miss  Bowerbank),  had  done  worse  ;  for  she  had  regu- 
larly jilted  him,  after  putting  him  to  no  end  of  expense  in  furnishing 
his  house,  so  that,  upon  the  whole,  Billy  liad  cause  to  be  cautious. 
A  coach,  too,  with  its  jolts  and  its  jerks,  and  its  brandy-and-water 
stoppages,  is  but  ill  calculated  for  the  delicate  performance  of 
offering,  to  say  nothing  of  having  a  pair  of  nasty  white-lashed, 
inquisitive-looking,  ferrety  eyes  sitting  opposite,  with  a  pair 
of  hstening  ears,  nestling  under  the  thatch  of  a  pheasant-feather 
bonnet.  AH  things  considered,  therefore,  Billy  may,  perhaps, 
stand  excused  ibr  his  slowness,  especially  as  he  did  not  know  but 
what  he  was  addressing  a  countess. 

And  so  the  close  of  a  scarcely  dawned  December  day,  was  fol- 
lowed by  the  shades  of  night,  and  still  the  jip,  jip,  jiiDping  ;  whip, 
whip,  whipping  ;  creak,  creak,  creaking  of  the  heavy  lumbering 
coach,  was  accompanied  by  Billy's  maunderings  about  his  noble 
ebony  this,  and  splendid  mahogany  that,  varied  with,  here  and 
there,  a  judicious  interpolation  of  an  "  indeed,"  or  a  "  how  beau- 
tiful," from  Miss  "Willing,  to  show  how  interested  she  was  in  the 
recital ;  for  ladies  are  generally  good  listeners,  and  Miss  Willing 
was  eBsencially  so. 


ASK    MAMMA.  M 

The  "  demeanour  of  the  witness  "  was  lost,  to  be  sure,  in  the 
chancery-like  darkness  that  prevailed  ;  and  Billy  felt  it  might  be 
all  blandishment,  for  nothing  could  be  more  marked  or  agreeable 
than  the  interest  both  the  other  ladies  had  taken  in  his  family, 
furniture,  and  effects.  Indeed,  as  ho  felt,  they  all  took  much  the 
same  course,  for,  for  cool  home-qucsfcioning,  there  is  no  man  can 
compete  with  an  experienced  woman.  They  get  to  the  "  What- 
have-you-got,  and  What-will-you-do "  point,  before  a  man  has 
settled  upon  the  line  of  inquiry — very  likely  before  he  has  got 
done  with  that  interesting  topic — the  weather. 

At  length,  a  sudden  turn  of  the  road  revealed  to  our  friends,  who 
were  sitting  with  their  faces  to  tho  horses,  the  first  distant  curve 
of  glow-worm-like  lamps  in  the  distance,  and  presently  the  great 
white  invitations  to  "try  warren's,"  or  "day  and  martin's 
BLACKING,"  began  to  loom  through  the  darkness  of  the  dead  walls 
of  the  outskirts  of  London.  They  were  fast  approaching  the 
metropoHs.  The  gaunt  elms  and  leafless  poplars  presently  became 
fewer,  while  castellated  and  scnLry-box-looking  summer-houses 
stood  dark  in  the  little  paled-off  gardens.  At  last  the  villas,  and 
Bemi-detached  villas,  collapsed  into  one  continuous  gas-lit  shop- 
dotted  street.  The  shops  soon  became  better  and  more  frequent, 
— more  ribbons  and  flowers,  and  fewer  periwinkle  stalls.  They 
now  got  upon  the  stones.  Billy's  heart  jumped  into  his  mouth  at 
the  jerk,  for  he  knew  not  how  soon  his  charmer  and  he  might 
part,  and  as  yet  he  had  not  even  ascertained  her  locality.  Now 
or  never,  thought  h-e,  rising  to  the  occasion,  and,  with  difficulty  of 
utterance,  he  expressed  a  hope  that  he  might  have  the  pleasiu-e  of 
seeing  her  'ome. 

"Thank  you,  no,'"  replied  ]\Iiss  Willing,  emphatically,  for  it  was 
just  the  very  thing  she  most  dreaded,  letting  him  see  her  reception 
by  the  servants. 

"  Humph  I "  grunted  Billy,  feeling  his  funds  fall  fivc-and- 
twcnty  per  cent. — "  .Miss  Titterton  or  ^liss  Bowerbank  over  again," 
thought  he. 

"  Xot  but  that  I  most  fully  appreciate  your  kindness,"  whis- 
pered Miss  "Willing,  in  the  sweetest  tone  possible,  right  into  his 
ear,  thinking  by  Billy's  silence  that  her  vehemence  had  ofiended 
him  ;  "but,"  continued  she,  "  I'm  only  going  to  the  house  of  a 
friend,  a  long  way  from  you,  and  I  expect  a  servant  to  meet  me 
at  the  Green  ]Man  in  Oxford  Street." 

"  Well,  but  let  me  see  you  to  the  " — (puff,  gasp) — "  Green  Man," 
ejaculated  Billy,  the  funds  of  hope  rising  more  rapidly  than  his 
words. 

"It's  very  kind,"  whispered  Miss  Willing,  "and  I  feel  it  reri/, 
very  much,  but  " 


20  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  But  if  your  servant  shoulda't  come,**  intemipted  Billy, 
"you'd  never  find  your  way  to  Brompton  in  this  nasty  dense 
yellow  fog,"  for  they  had  now  got  into  the  thick  of  a  fine  JFat  one. 

"  Ob,  but  I'm  not  going  to  Brompton,"  exclaimed  Miss  Willing, 
amused  at  this  second  bad  shot  of  Billy's  at  her  abode. 

"  Well,  wherever  you  are  going,  I  shall  only  be  too  happy  to 
escort  you,"  replied  Billy,  "  T  know  Lunnun  well." 

"  So  do  I,"  thought  Miss  Willing,  with  a  sigh.  And  the  coach 
having  now  reached  that  elegant  hostelry,  the  George  and  Blue 
Badger,  in  High  Holborn,  ]\Iiss  showed  her  knowledge  of  it  by 
intimating  to  Billy  that  that  was  the  place  for  him  to  alight  ;  so 
taking  off  her  glove  she  tendered  him  her  soft  hand,  which  Billy 
grasped  eagerly,  still  urging  her  to  let  him  see  her  home,  or  at  all 
events  to  the  Green  Man,  in  Oxford  Street. 

Miss,  however,  firmly  but  kindly  declined  his  services,  assuring 
him  repeatedly  that  she  appreciated  his  kindness,  which  she 
evinced  by  informing  him  that  .'die  was  going  to  a  friend's  at  Xo. 
— ,  Grosvenor  Square,  that  she  would  only  be  in  town  for  a  couple 
of  nights  ;  but  that  if  he  rmlbj  wished  to  see  her  again, — "  real!)/ 
wished  it,"  she  repeated  with  an  emphasis,  for  she  didn't  want  to 
be  trifled  with, — she  would  be  happy  to  see  him  to  tea  at  eight 
o'clock  on  the  following  evening. 

"  Ei/jht  o'clock  !  "  gasped  Billy.  "  No.  — ,  Gruvenor  Square," 
repeated  he.  "  I  knows  it — I'll  be  with  you  to  a  certainty — I'll 
be  with  you  to  a  " — (puff) — "certainty."  So  saying,  he  made  a 
sandwich  of  her  fair  taper-fingered  hand,  and  then  responded  to 
the  inquiry  of  the  guard,  if  there  was  any  one  to  "  git  oot  there," 
by  alighting.  And  he  was  so  excited  that  he  walked  off,  leaving 
his  new  silk  umbrella  and  all  his  luggage  in  the  coach,  exclaim- 
ing, as  he  worked  his  way  through  the  fog  to  Doughty  Street, 
"No.  — ,  Gruvenor  Scpiare — eight  o'clock — eight  o'clock — No. — , 
Gruvenor  Square — was  there  ever  such  a  beauty  ! — be  with  her  to 
B  certainty,  be  with  her  to  a  certainty."  Saying  which,  he  gave 
an  ecstatic  bound,  and  next  moment  found  himself  sprawling 
R-top  of  a  murder  !-crying  apple-woman  in  the  gutter.  Leaving 
him  there  to  get  up  at  his  leisure,  let  us  return  to  his  late  com- 
panion in  the  coach. 

Scarcely  was  the  door  closed  on  his  exit,  ere  a  sharp  shrill 
"  Toil  do7i'i  hioiv  me  ! — i/ou  donH  know  me  !  "  sounded  from 
under  the  pheasant-feather  bonnet,  and  sliot  througli  ^liss  Willing 
like  a  thrill. 

"  Yes,  no,  yes  ;  who  is  it  ?  "  ejaculated  she,  thankful  they  were 
dlone. 

"  Sarey  Grimes,  to  be  sure,"  replied  the  voice,  in  a  semi-tone  of 
exultation. 


ASK    MAMMA.  •      21 

**  Sarah  Grimes ! "  exclaimed  Miss  "Willing,  recollecting  the 
veriest  little  imp  of  mischief  that  ever  came  about  a  place,  the 
daughter  of  a  most  notorious  poacher.  "  So  it  is  !  Why,  Sarah, 
who  would  ever  have  thought  of  seeing  you  grown  into  a  great  big 
woman." 

"  I  thought  you  didn't  know  me,"  replied  Sarah  ;  *'  I  used 
often  to  run  errands  ff)r  you,"  added  she. 

"  I  remember,"  replied  Miss  Willing,  feeling  in  her  reticule  for 
her  purse.  Sarah  had  carried  certain  delicate  missives  in  the 
country  that  Miss  AVilling  would  now  rather  have  forgotten. 
How  thankful  she  was  that  the  creature  had  not  introduced  her- 
self when  her  fat  friend  was  in  the  coach.  "  What  are  you  doing 
now  ?  "  asked  Miss  Willing,  jingling  up  the  money  at  one  end  of 
the  purse  to  distinguish  between  the  gold  and  the  silver. 

Sarey  explained  that  being  tiow  out  of  place  (she  had  been  recently 
dismissed  from  a  cheesemonger's  at  Lutterworth  for  stealing  a 
copper  coal-scoop,  a  pound  of  whitening,  and  a  pair  of  gold 
spectacles,  for  which  a  donkey-travelling  general  merchant  had 
given  her  seven  and  sixpence),  the  guard  of  the  coach,  who  was 
her  great-uncle,  had  given  her  a  lift  up  to  town  to  try  what  she 
could  do  there  again  ;  and  Miss  Willing's  quick  apprehension 
seeing  that  there  was  some  use  to  be  made  of  such  a  sharp-witted 
thing,  having  selected  a  half-sovereign  out  of  her  purse,  thus 
addressed  her : 

"  Well,  Sarah,  I'm  glad  to  see  you  again.  You  are  very  much 
improved,  and  will  be  very  good-looking.  There's  half  a  sovereign 
for  you,"  handing  it  to  her,  "and  if  you'll  come  to  me  at  six 
o'clock  to-morrow  evening  in  Grosvenor  Square,  I  dare  say  I  shall 
be  able  to  look  out  some  things  that  may  be  useful  to  you." 

"  Thanke,  mum  ;  thanke  !  "  exclaimed  Sarey,  delighted  at  the 
idea.     "  I'll  be  with  you,  you  may  depend." 

"  You  know  Big  Ben,"  continued  Miss  Willing,  "  who  was  my 
lord's  own  man  ;  he's  hall-porter  now,  ring  and  tell  him  you  come 
for  me,  and  he'll  let  you  in  at  the  door." 

"  Certainly,  mum,  certainly,"  assented  Pheasant-feathers,  think- 
ing how  much  more  magnificent  that  would  be  than  sneaking 
down  the  area. 

And  the  coach  having  now  reached  the  Green  Man,  Miss  Willing 
alighted  and  took  a  coach  to  Grosvenor  Square,  leaving  Miss 
Grimes  to  pursue  its  peregrinations  to  the  end  of  its  journey. 

And  l>illy  Bringle  having,  with  the  aid  of  the  "pollis," 
ippeased  the  basket-woman's  wrath,  was  presently  ensconced  in  his 
beautiful  house  in  Doughty  Street. 

So,  tinkle,  tinkle,  tinkle, — down  goes  the  curtain  on  this  some- 
what long  chapter. 


.I,s7v'     MAM}rA. 


CHArTER    IV. 

A  GLASS  COACH.-MISS    AVTTJ.TNTr    (^-.V    anAXD    rn^TVME). 


!•:  X  T 

day  our 
friend 
Billy 
was  bu- 
sied in 
looking 
i  after  his 
lost  lug- 
g  a  ge 
and  bur- 
nishing 
up  the 
gilt 
bugle- 
horn 
l)uttons 
o  f  t  h  e 
coat, 
^y  a  i  s  t  - 
coat, 

and  shorts  of  the  lioyal  Ejiping  Archers,  in  wliich  he  meant 
r(^  figure  in  the  evening.  Ha\iiig,  through  the  medium  of  his 
"  Boyle,"  ascertained  the  rank  of  the  owner  of  the  residence 
where  he  was  going  to  be  regaled,  he  ordered  a  glass-coach — 
not  a  coach  made  of  glass,  juvenile  readers,  in  which  we  could  see 
a  gentleman  disporting  himself  like  a  gold-fish  in  a  glass  l)Owl, 
but  a  better  sort  of  hackney  coach  with  a  less  filthy  driver,  which, 
by  a  "  beautiful  fiction  "  of  the  times,  used  to  be  considered  the 
hirer's  "private  carriage." 

It  was  not  "  the  thing  "  in  those  days  to  drive  up  to  a  gentle- 
man's door  in  a  public  conveyance,  and  doing  the  magnificent 
was  very  ex])ensive  ;  for  the  glass  fiction  involved  a  pair  of  gaunt 
raw-boned  horses,  which,  with  the  napless-hatted  drab-turned-u]v 
with-grease-coated-coachman,  left  very  little  change  out  <■[  a 
sovereign.  How  thankful  we  ouf;-ht  to  be  t(^  railways  and  Mr. 
f'^itzroy  for  being  able  to  ci.t  ;;l)out  openly  at  the  rate  of  sixpence 


t.I.A.-S    CUACII. 


Af^K     MAMMA.  28 

a  mile.  The  first  great  man  who  drove  up  St.  James's  Street  at 
high  tide  in  a  Hansom,  deserves  to  have  his  portrait  painted  at 
the  public  expense,  for  he  opened  the  door  of  common  sense  and 
utility. 

What  a  foil ow-my-leader- world  it  is  !  People  all  took  to  street 
cabs  simultaneously,  just  as  they  did  to  walking  in  the  Park  on  a 
Sunday  when  Count  D'Orsay  set  up  his  "  'andsomest  ombrella  in 
de  vorld,"  being  no  longer  able  to  keep  a  horse.  But  we  are 
getting  into  recent  times  instead  of  attending  Mr.  Pringle  to  his 
party.     He  is  supposed  to  have  ordered  his  glass  phenomenon. 

Now  Mr.  Forage,  the  job-master,  in  Lamb's  Conduit  Street, 
with  whom  our  friend  did  his  magnificence,  "  performed  funerals" 
also,  as  his  yard-doors  indicated,  and  being  rather  "full,"  or  more 
properly  speaking,  empty,  he  acted  upon  the  principle  of  all 
coaches  being  black  in  the  dark,  and  sent  a  mouniing  one,  so 
there  was  a  striking  contrast  between  the  gaiety  of  the  Royal 
Epping  Archers'  uniform — pea-green  coat  with  a  blue  collar, 
salmon  -  coloured  vest  and  shorts — in  which  IMr.  Pringle  was 
attired,  and  the  gravity  of  the  vehicle  that  conveyed  him.  How- 
ever, our  lover  was  so  intent  upon  taking  care  of  his  pumps,  for 
the  fog  had  made  the  flags  both  slippery  and  greasy,  that  he 
popped  in  without  noticing  the  peculiarity,  and  his  stuttering 
knock-knee'd  hobble-de-hoy,  yclept  "  Paul,"  having  closed  the 
door  and  mounted  up  behind,  they  were  presently  jingling  away 
to  the  west,  Billy  putting  up  first  one  leg  and  then  the  other  on 
to  the  opposite  seat  to  admire  his  white-gauze-silk-encased  calves 
by  the  gas  and  chemists'  windows  as  they  passed.  So  he  went 
fingering  and  feeling  at  his  legs,  and  pulling  and  hauling  ac  his 
coat, — for  the  Epping  Archer  uniform  had  got  rather  tight,  and, 
moreover,  had  been  made  on  the  George-the-Fourth  principle,  of 
not  being  easily  got  into, — along  Oxford  Street,  through  Hanover 
Square,  and  up  Brook  Street,  to  the  spacious  region  that  contained 
the  object  of  his  adoration.  The  coacl:  presently  drew  up  at  a 
stately  Italian-column  porticoed  mansion  ;  down  goes  Paul,  but 
before  he  gets  half  through  his  meditated  knock,  the  door  opens 
suddenly  in  his  face,  and  he  is  confronted  by  Big  Ben  in  the  full 
livery, — we  beg  pardon,— uniform  of  the  Delacey  family,  beetroot- 
coloured  coat,  with  cherry-coloured  vest  and  shorts,  the  whole 
elaborately  bedizened  with  gold-lace. 

The  unexpected  apparition,  rendered  more  formidable  by  the 
blazing  fire  in  the  background,  throwing  a  lurid  light  over  the 
giant,  completely  deprived  little  Paul  of  liis  breath,  and  he  stood 
gaping  and  shaking  as  if  he  expected  the  monster  to  address  him. 

"Who  may  you  please  to  want  ?"  at  length  demanded  Ben,  iu 
a  deep  sonorous  tone  of  mingled  defiance  and  contempt. 


24  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  P — p — p — please,  wo — wo — wo — want,*'  stuttered  little  Paul, 
now  recollecting  that  he  had  never  been  told  who  to  ask  for. 

"  Yes,  who  do  you  wish  to  see  ?  "  demanded  Ben,  in  a  clear  ex- 
planatory tone,  for  though  he  had  agreed  to  dress  up  for  the 
occasion  on  the  reciprocity  principle  of  course — Miss  Willing 
winking  at  his  having  two  nephews  living  in  the  house — he  by  no 
means  undertook  to  furnish  civility  to  any  of  the  undergraduates 
of  life,  as  he  called  such  apologies  as  Paul. 

"I — I — I'll  ask,"  replied  Paul,  glad  to  escape  back  to  the 
coach,  out  of  which  the  Royal  Archer's  bull-head  was  now  pro- 
truding, anxious  to  be  emancipated. 

"  Who — ho — ho  am  I  to  a — a — ask  for,  pa — pa — per — please  ?  " 
stuttered  Paul,  trembling  all  over  with  fear  and  excitement,  for  he 
had  never  seen  such  a  sight  except  in  a  show. 

"  Ask  for  !  "  muttered  Billy,  now  recollecting  for  the  first  time 
that  the  fair  lady  and  he  were  mutually  ignorant  of  eacli  other's 
names.  "  Ask  for  !  What  if  it  should  be  a  ho^-x  ?  "  thought  he  ; 
"  how  foolish  he  would  look  !  " 

While  these  thoughts  were  revolving  in  Billy's  mind,  Big  Ben, 
having  thrust  his  hands  deep  into  the  pockets  of  his  cherry- 
coloured  shorts,  was  contemplating  the  dismal-looking  coach  in 
the  disdainful  cock-up-nose  sort  of  way  that  a  high-life  Johnny 
looks  at  what  he  considers  a  low-life  eqni])age  ;  wondering,  we 
dare  say,  who  was  to  be  deceived  by  such  a  thing. 

Billy,  seeing  the  case  was  desperate,  resolved  to  put  a  bold  face 
on  the  matter,  especially  as  he  remembered  his  person  could  not 
be  seen  in  the  glass  coach  ;  so,  raising  his  crush  hat  to  his  face, 
he  holloaed  out,  "  J  say  !  is  this  ihe  Earl  of  Dalaceifs  ?  " 

"  It  is,"  replied  Ben,  with  a  slight  inclination  of  his  gigantic 
person. 

"Then,  let  me  out,"  demanded  Billy  of  Paul.  And  this 
request  being  complied  with,  Billy  skipped  smartly  across  the 
flags,  and  was  presently  alongside  of  Ben,  whispering  up  into  his 
now  slightly-inclined  ear,  "/ 5«?/,  was  iiicre  a  lady  arrived  here 
last  niyht  from  the  country  V  (He  was  going  to  say  "by  the 
coach,"  but  he  checked  himself  when  he  got  to  the  word  country.) 

"There  was, sir,"  replied  Ben,  relaxing  into  something  like  con- 
descension. 

"Then  I'm  come  to  see  her,"  whispered  Billy,  with  a  grin. 

"  Your  name,  if  you  please,  sir  ?  "  replied  Ben,  still  getting  up 
the  steam  of  politeness. 

"  Mr.  Pringle— Mr.  William  Pringle  I  "  replied  Billy  with  firm- 
ness. 

"All  right,  sir,"  replied  the  blood-red  monster,  pretending  to 
know  more  than  he  did  ;  and,  motioning  Billy  onward  into  the 


BIO   bi:n. 


ASK    MAMMA.  26 

black  and  white  marble-flagged  entrance  hall,  he  was  about  to 
shut  him  in,  when  Billy,  recollecting  himself,  holloaed,  *"Ome/  " 
to  his  coachman,  so  that  he  mightn't  be  let  in  for  the  two  days' 
hire.     The  door  then  closed,  and  he  was  in  for  an  adventure. 

It  will  be  evident  to  our  fair  friends  that  the  Archer  bold  had 
the  advantage  over  the  lady,  in  having  all  his  raiment  in  town, 
while  she  had  all  hers,  at  least  all  the  pick  of  hers, — her  first-class 
things, — in  the  country.  Now  every  body  knows  that  what  looks 
very  smart  in  the  country  looks  very  seedy  in  London,  and  though 
the  country  cousins  of  life  do  get  their  new  things  to  take  back 
with  them  there,  yet  regular  town-comsrs  have  theii-s  ready,  or 
ready  at  all  events  to  try  on  against  they  arrive,  and  so  have  the 
advantage  of  looking  hka  civilised  people  while  they  are  up. 
London,  however,  is  one  excellent  place  for  remedying  any  little 
deficiency  of  any  sort,  at  least  if  a  person  has  only  either  money 
or  credit,  and  a  lady  or  gentleman  can  soon  be  rigged  out  by 
driving  about  to  the  different  shops. 

Now  it  so  happened  that  Miss  Willing  had  nothing  of  her  own 
in  town,  that  she  felt  she  would  be  doing  herself  justice  to 
appear  before  ]>illy  in,  and  had  omitted  l)ringing  her  ladyship's 
keys,  whereby  she  might  have  remedied  the  deficiency  out  of 
that  wardrobe  ;  however,  with  such  a  commission  as  she  held,  there 
could  be  no  difficulty  in  procuring  the  loan  of  whatever  was  wanted 
from  her  ladyship's  milliner.  "We  may  mention  that  on  accepting 
ofllice  under  Lady  Delacey,  ]\Iiss  Willing,  with  the  greatest 
spirit  of  fairness,  had  put  her  ladyship's  cnstom  in  competition 
among  three  distinguished  modistes,  viz.  her  old  friend  Madame 
Adelaide  Banboxeney,  Madame  Celeste  de  Montmorency,  of 
Dover  Street,  and  Miss  Julia  Freemautle,  of  Cowslip  Street, 
May  Fair ;  and  Miss  Freemautle  having  odcred  the  same 
percentage  on  the  bill  (IT)/.)  as  the  other  two,  and  20/.  a  year 
certain  money  more  than  Madame  Banboxeney,  and  25/.  more  than 
Madame  Celeste  dc  ^lontmorcncy,  IMiss  Freemantle  had  been  dnly 
declared  the  purchaser,  as  the  auctioneers  say,  and  in  due  time  (as 
soon  as  a  plausible  quarrel  could  be  picked  with  the  then  milliner) 
W{\s  in  the  enjoyment  of  a  very  good  thing,  for  though  the 
Countess  Delacey,  in  the  Gilpin-ian  spirit  of  the  age,  tried  to  tie 
^Tiss  Freemantle  down  to  price,  yet  she  overlooked  the  extras,  the 
little  embroidery  of  a  bill,  if  we  may  so  call  it,  such  as  four  pound 
seventeen  and  sixpence  for  a  buckle,  worth  perhaps  the  odd  siher, 
and  the  surreptitious  lace,  at  no  one  knows  what,  so  long  as  they 
Avere  not  all  in  one  item,  and  were  cleverly  scattered  about  the  bill 
in  ))r(iken  sums,  just  as  the  lady  thought  the  ribbon  dear  at  a 
ehiiling  a  yard,  but  took  it  when  the  counter-skipper  replied, 
"S'pose,  marm,    then,   we   say    thirteen   pence" — Miss   Willing 


26  ASK    MAMMA. 

having  had  a  consultation  with  Miss  Freemantle  aa  to  the  most 
certain  means  of  quashing  the  Countess  of  Honiton,  broached  her 
own  Kttle  requirements,  and  Miss  Freemantle,  finding  that  she 
only  wanted  the  dress  for  one  night,  agreed  to  lend  her  a  very  rich 
emerald-green  Genoa  velvet  evening-dress,  trimmed  with  broad 
Valenciennes  lace,  she  was  on  the  point  of  furnishing  for  Alderman 
Boozey's  son's  bran-new  wife  ;  Miss  Freemantle  feeUng  satisfied,  as 
she  said,  that  Miss  Willing  would  do  it  no  harm  ;  indeed,  would 
rather  benefit  it  by  the  sit  her  fine  figure  would  give  it,  in  the 
same  way  as  shooters  find  it  to  their  advantage  to  let  their  keepers 
have  a  day  or  two's  wear  out  of  their  new  shoes  in  order  to  get 
them  to  go  easy  for  themselves. 

The  reader  will  therefore  have  the  goodness  to  consider  Miss 
Willing  arrayed  in  Alderman  Boozey's  son's  bran-new  wife's  bran- 
new  Genoa  velvet  dress,  with  a  wreath  of  pure  white  camellias  on 
her  beautiful  brown  Madonna-dressed  hair,  and  a  massive  true- 
lover's-knot  brooch  in  brilliants  at  her  bosom.  On  her  right 
arm  she  wears  a  magnificent  pearl  armlet,  which  Miss  Freemantle 
had  on  sale  or  return  from  that  equitable  diamond-merchant, 
Samuel  Emanuel  Moses,  of  the  Minories,  the  price  ranging,  with 
Miss  Freemantle,  from  eighty  to  two  hundred  and  fifty  guineas, 
according  to  the  rank  and  paying  properties  of  the  inquirer, 
though  as  between  Moses  and  "  Mantle,"  the  price  was  to  be 
sixty  guineas,  or  perhaps  pounds,  depending  upon  the  humour 
Moses  might  happen  to  be  in,  when  she  came  with  the  dear 
£.  s.  d.  The  reader  will  further  imagine  an  elegant  little  boudoir 
with  its  amber-coloured  silk  fittings  and  furniture,  lit  up  with 
the  united  influence  of  the  best  wax  and  Wallsend,  and  Misa 
Willing  sitting  at  an  inlaid  centre-table,  turning  over  the  leaves 
of  Heath's  "  Picturesque  Annual "  of  the  preceding  year. 
Opposite  the  fire  are  large  white  and  gold  folding-doors,  opening 
we  know  not  where,  outside  of  which  lurks  Pheasant-feathers, 
placed  there  by  ]\Iiss  Willing  on  a  service  of  delicacy. 


ASK    MAMMA. 


27 


CHAPTER    V. 


TIIK    lady's    liOUDOIli. — A    DECLARATION. 


TllKllH  S    A    STEP, 


HIS  way,  sir, 
— please,  sir, 
—  yes,  sir," 
bowed  tlie  now 
obsequious 
Ben,  guiding 
Billy  by  the 
light  of  a 
chamber  ciin- 
dle  through 
the  intricacies 
of  the  half- 
lit  inner  en- 
trance. "Take 
care,  si  r, 
there's  a  ste}), 
s  i  r,"  c  0  u- 
tinned  he, 
stopping    and 

?■  showingwherc 
the  first  stum- 
bling-block 
resided.  Billy 
I'oad,  gcntly-risiui^ 

ilie  maii'uitude  of 


then  commenced  the  gradual  accent  of  the 
staircase,  each  ste})  increasing  his  conviction  ( 
the  venture,  and  making  him  feel  that  his  was  not  the  l)igg(.st 
house  in  town.  As  lu;  proceeded  he  wondered  what  Xothin'-bui- 
what's-riglit  Jerry,  or  Ilalf-a-yard-of-the-table  Joe,  above  all  Mrs. 
llalf-a-yard-of-the-tahle,  would  say  if  they  could  see  him  thus 
visiting  at  a  nobleman's  house.  It  seemed  more  like  summut  in  a 
book  or  a  play  than  uownrigiit  reality.  Still  there  was  no  reason 
why  a  fine  huly  slionld  not  take  a  fancy  to  him — many  deuced 
deal  uglier  fellows  than  he  had  married  line  ladies,  and  he  would 
take  his  chance  along  with  the  rest  of  them- so  he  laboured  uj) 
ai'icr  Ben,  hoping  he  niiglit  not  come  down  staiis  (piicker  than  he 
went  nj). 

The    (o]>   landing    being    gained,    they   ])assed    through    lofty 
folding-doors    into  the  suite  of    magnificent  but   now   put-away 


28  ASK    MAMMA. 

drawing-rooms,  whose  spectral  half  collapsed  canvas  bags,  and 
covered  statues  and  sofas,  threw  a  Kensal-Green-Cemetery  sort  of 
gloom  over  Billy's  spirits  ;  speedily,  however,  to  be  dispelled  by 
the  radiance  of  the  boudoir  into  which  he  was  now  passed  through 
an  invisible  door  in  the  gilt-papered  wall.  "  Mr,  William  Pringle, 
ma'm,"  whispered  Ben,  in  a  tone  that  one  could  hardly  reconcile 
to  the  size  of  the  monster  :  and  Miss  Willing  having  risen  at  the 
sound  of  the  voice,  bowing  Billy  and  she  were  presently  locked 
hand  in  hand,  smiling  and  teeth-showing  most  extravagantly. 
"  I'll  ring  for  tea  presently,"  observed  she  to  Ben,  who  seemed 
disposed  to  fuss  and  loiter  about  the  room.  "  If  you  please,  my 
lady,"  replied  Ben,  bowing  himself  backwards  through  the  panel. 
Happy  Billy  was  then  left  alone  with  his  charmer,  save  that 
beetroot-coloured  Ben  was  now  listening  at  one  door  on  his  own 
account,  and  Pheasant-feathers  at  the  other  on  Miss  WiUing's. 

Billy  was  quite  taken  aback.  If  he  had  been  captivated  in  the 
coach  what  chance  had  he  now,  with  all  the  aid  of  dress,  scenery, 
and  decorations.  He  thought  he  had  never  seen  such  a  beauty — he 
thought  he  had  never  seen  such  a  bust — he  thought  he  had  never 
seen  such  an  arm  !  Miss  Titterton — pooh  ! — wasn't  to  be  men- 
tioned in  the  same  century — hadn't  half  such  a  waist.  "  Won't 
you  be  seated  ?  "  at  length  asked  Miss  Wilhng,  as  Billy  still  stood 
staring  and  making  a  mental  inventory  of  her  charms.  "  Seat  " — 
(puff) — "  seat  "  (wheeze),  gasped  Billy,  looking  around  at  the 
shining  amber-coloured  magnificence  by  which  he  was  surrounded, 
as  if  afraid  to  venture,  even  in  his  nice  salmon-coloured  shorts. 
At  length  he  got  squatted  on  a  gilt  chair  by  his  charmer's  side, 
when  taking  to  look  at  his  toes,  she  led  off"  the  ball  of  conversation. 
She  had  had  enough  of  the  billing  and  cooing  or  gammon  and 
spinach  of  matrimony,  and  knew  if  she  could  not  bring  him  to 
book  at  once,  time  would  not  assist  her.  She  soon  probed  his 
family  circle,  and  was  glad  to  find  there  was  no  "  mamma  "  to 
"  ask,"  that  dread  parent  having  more  than  once  been  too  many 
for  her.  She  took  in  the  whole  range  of  connection  with  the 
precision  of  an  auctioneer  or  an  equity  draftsman. 

There  was  no  occasion  for  much  diplomacy  on  her  part,  for 
Billy  came  into  the  trap  just  like  a  fly  to  a  "  Kctel)-'cin-alive  0  !  " 
The  conversation  soon  waxed  so  warm  that  she  quite  forgot  to 
ring  for  the  tea ;  and  Ben,  who  affected  early  hours  in  the  winter, 
being  slightly  asthmatical,  as  a  hall-porter  ought  to  be,  at  length 
brought  it  in  of  his  own  accord.  Most  polite  he  was  ;  "  My  lady  " 
and  "  Your  ladyship-ing  "  Miss  Willing  with  accidental  intention 
every  now  and  then,  which  raised  Billy's  opinion  of  her  con- 
sequence very  considerably.  And  so  he  sat,  and  sipped  and 
sipped,  and  thought  wbat  a  beauty  she  would  be  to  transfer  to 


ASK    MAMMA.  29 

Doughty  Street.  Tea,  in  due  time,  was  followed  by  the  tray — 
Melton  pie,  oysters,  sandwiches,  anchovy  toast,  bottled  stout, 
sherry  and  Seltzer  water,  for  which  latter  there  was  no 
demand. 

A  profane  medicine-chest-looking  mahogany  case  then  made  its 
appearance,  which,  being  opened,  proved  to  contain  four  cut-glass 
spirit-bottles,  labelled  respectively,  "Rum,"  "Brandy,"  "Whiskey," 
"  Gin,"  though  they  were  not  true  inscriptions,  for  there  were  two 
whiskey's  and  two  brandy's.  A  good  old-fashioned  black-bottomed 
kettle  having  next  mounted  a  stand  placed  on  the  top  bar,  Miss 
intimated  to  Ben  that  if  they  had  a  few  more  coals,  he  need  not 
"  trouble  to  sit  up  ;  "  and  these  being  obtained,  our  friends  made 
a  brew,  and  then  drew  their  chairs  together  to  enjoy  the  feast  of 
reason  and  the  flow  of  soul  ;  ]\liss  slightly  raising  Alderman 
Boozey's  son's  bran-new  wife's  bran-new  emerald-green  velvet 
dress  to  show  her  beautiful  white-satin  slippered  foot,  as  it  now 
rested  on  the  polished  steel  fender. 

The  awkwardness  of  resuming  the  inteiTupted  addresses  being 
at  length  overcome  by  sundry  gulphs  of  the  inspiring  fluid,  our 
friend  Mr.  Pringle  was  soon  in  full  fervour  again.  He  ana- 
thematised the  lawyers  and  settlements,  and  delay,  and  was  all 
for  being  married  otf-hand  at  the  moment. 

Miss,  on  her  part,  was  dignified  and  prudent.  All  she  would 
say  was  that  Mr.  William  Pringle  was  not  indifferent  to  her, — 
"  No,"  sighed  she,  "  he  wasn't " — but  there  were  many,  many 
considerations,  and  many,  many  points  to  be  discussed,  and  many, 
many  questions  to  be  asked  of  each  other,  before  they  could  even 
begin  to  talk  of  such  a  thing  as  immediate — "  hem " — (she 
wouldn't  say  the  word)  turning  awny  her  pretty  head. 

"  Ask  away,  then!  "  exclaimed  Billy,  helping  himself  to  another 
beaker  of  brandy — for  he  saw  he  was  approaching  the  "Ketch-'em- 
alive  0."  !Miss  then  put  the  home-question  whetlu'r  his  family 
knew  what  he  was  about,  and  finding  they  did  nor,  she  saw  there 
was  no  time  to  lose  ;  so  knocking  otl"  the  expletives,  siie  talked  of 
many  considerations  and  points,  the  main  one  being  to  know  how 
she  was  likely  to  be  kept, — whether  she  was  to  have  a  full-sized 
footman,  or  an  under-sized  sttiplintr,  <»r  a  burtonv  l)iiy  of  a  paoe, 
or  be  waited  upon  by  that  greaiest  avei'sion  to  all  female  Uiiiids, 
one  of  her  own  sex.  Not  thai  she  had  the  sliuhresi  idea  of  saviii'^^ 
"No,"  but  her  experieu.-e  of  life  teat'liing  her  that  all  ea:;:i.v 
grandeur  may  be  ni'-asui-ed  hy  footmen,  she  couM  veiy  s.^nu 
calculate  what  sort  of  a  set  down  she  was  likely  to  iiave  hv  kiiouiiiif 
the  style  of  her  attendant.  "  Show  me  your  footman,  and  IM  i--,! 
you  what  you  are,"  was  one  of  hei'  maxims.  M^reoxer.  ir  is  we'll 
for  all  young  ladies  to  have  a  sort  ol'  rough  estimate,  at  all  events, 

I) 


30  ASK    MAMMA, 

of  what  they  are  likely  to  have, — which,  we  will  venture  to  say, 
unlike  estimates  in  general,  will  fall  very  far  short  of  the  reality. 
Our  friend  Billy,  however,  was  quite  in  the  promising  mood,  and 
if  she  had  asked  for  half-a-dozen  Big  Bens  he  would  have  promised 
her  them,  canes,  powder,  and  all. 

"  Oh  !  she  should  have  anything,  everything  she  wanted  !  A 
tall  man  with  good  legs,  and  all  right  about  the  mouth, — an  Arab 
horse,  an  Erard  hai-p,  a  royal  pianoforte,  a  silver  tea-urn,  a  gold 
coffee-pot,  a  service  of  gold — eat  gold,  if  she  liked,"and  as  he  declared 
she  might  eat  gold  if  she  liked,  ne  dropped  upon  his  salmon-coloured 
knees,  and  with  his  glass  of  brandy  in  one  hand,  and  hers  in  the 
other,  looked  imploringly  up  at  her,  a  beautiful  specimen  of  heavy 
sentimentality  ;  and  ]\Iiss,  thinking  she  had  got  him  far  enough, 
and  seeing  it  was  nearly  twelve  o'clock,  now  urged  him  to  rise, 
and  allow  her  maid  to  go  and  get  him  a  coach.  Saying  which,  she 
disengaged  her  hand,  and  slipping  through  the  invisible  door,  was 
presently  whispering  her  behests  to  the  giggling  Pheasant-feathers, 
on  the  other  side  of  the  folding  ones.  A  good  half-hour,  however, 
elapsed  before  one  of  those  drowsy  vehicles  could  be  found,  during 
which  time  our  suitor  obtained  the  fair  lady's  consent  to  allow 
Liin  to  meet  her  at  her  friend  Mrs.  Freemantle's,  as  she  called  her, 
in  Cowslip  Street,  May  Fair,  at  three  o'clock  in  the  following 
afternoon  ;  and  the  coach  having  at  length  arrived.  Miss  Willing 
graciously  allowed  Mr.  Pringle  to  kiss  her  hand,  and  then 
accompanied  him  to  the  second  landing  of  the  staircase,  which 
commanded  the  hall,  in  order  to  check  any  communication  between 
Pheasant-feathers  and  him. 

The  reader  will  now  perhaps  accompany  us  to  this  famed 
milliner,  dress  and  mantle-maker's,  who  will  be  happy  to  execute 
any  orders  our  fair  ones  may  choose  to  favour  her  with. 

Despite  the  anathemas  of  a  certain  law  lord,  match-forwarding 
is  quite  the  natural  prerogative  and  instinct  of  women.  They  all 
like  it,  from  the  duchess  downwards,  and  you  might  as  well  try  to 
restrain  a  cat  from  mousing  as  a  woman  from  match-making. 
]\[iss  Freemantle  (who  acted  Mrs.  on  this  occasion)  was  as  fond  of 
the  pursuit  as  any  one.  She  looked  Billy  over  with  a  searching, 
scrutinising  glance,  thinking  what  a  flat  he  was,  and  wondered 
what  he  would  think  of  himself  that  time  twelvemonths.  Billy, 
on  his  part,  was  rather  dumb-foundered.  Talking  before  two 
women  was  not  so  easy  as  talking  to  one  ;  and  he  did  not  get  on 
with  the  immediate  matrimony  story  half  so  well  as  he  had  done 
over-night.  The  ladies  saw  his  dilemma,  and  Miss  Willing  quickly 
essayed  to  relieve  him.  She  put  him  through  his  pleadings  with 
all  the  skill  of  the  great  Serjeant  Silvertongue,  making  Billy 
commit  himself  most  irretrievably. 


ASK    MAMMA.  31 

"^lamma"  (Miss  Freemantle  that  is  to  say)  then  had  her 
innings. 

She  was  much  afraid  it  couldn't  be  done  off-hand — indeed  she 
was.  There  was  a  place  on  the  Border — Gretna  Green — she  dare 
say'd  he'd  heard  of  it ;  but  then  it  was  a  tremendous  distance,  and 
would  take  half  a  lifetime  to  get  to  it.  Besides,  Miss  p'raps 
mightn't  like  taking  such  a  journey  at  that  time  of  year. 

^liss  looked  neither  yes  nor  no.  Mamma  was  more  against  it 
than  her,  ]\ramma  feeling  for  the  countess's  coming  contest  and 
her  future  favours.  Other  difficulties  were  then  discussed, 
piirticularly  that  of  publicity,  which  Miss  dreaded  more  than  the 
journey  to  Gretna.  It  must  be  kept  secret,  whatever  was  done. 
Billy  must  be  sworn  to  secrecy,  or  i\Iiss  would  have  nothing  to  say 
to  him.     Billy  was  sworn  accordingly. 

Mamma  then  thought  the  best  plan  was  to  have  the  Ijanns  put 
up  in  some  quiet  church,  where  no  questions  would  be  asked  as  to 
where  they  lived,  and  it  would  be  assumed  that  they  resided 
within  the  parish,  and  when  they  had  been  called  out,  they  could 
just  go  quietly  and  get  married,  which  would  keep  things  square 
with  the  countess  and  everybody  else.  And  this  arrangement 
being  perfected,  and  liberty  given  to  Billy  to  write  to  his  bride, 
whose  name  and  address  were  now  furnished  him,  he  at  length 
took  his  departure  ;  and  the  ladies  having  talked  him  over,  then 
resolved  themselves  into  a  committee  of  taste,  to  further  the 
forthcoming  tournament.  And  by  dint  of  keeping  all  hands  at 
work  all  night,  Miss  Willing  was  enabled  to  return  to  the  countess 
with  the  first  instalment  of  such  a  series  of  lady-killing  garments 
as  mollified  her  heart,  and  enabled  her  to  sustain  the  blow  that 
followed,  which  however  was  mitigated  by  the  assurance  that  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  AVilliam  Pringle  were  going  to  live  in  London,  and  that 
Madam's  taste  would  always  be  at  her  ladyship's  command. 

We  wish  we  could  gratify  our  lady  readers  with  a  description  of 
the  brilliant  attire  that  so  completely  took  the  shine  out  of  the 
Countess  of  Iloniton  as  has  caused  her  to  hide  her  diminished 
head  ever  since,  but  our  pen  is  unequal  to  the  occasion,  and  even 
if  we  had  had  a  John  Leech  to  supply  our  deficiencies,  the  dresses 
of  those  days  would  look  as  nothing  compared  to  the  rotatory 
haystacks  of  the  present  one. 

What  fair  lady  can  bear  the  sight  of  her  face  painted  in  one  of 
the  old  poke  bonnets  of  former  days  ?  To  keep  things  right,  the 
bonnet  ought  to  be  painted  to  the  face  every  year  or  two. 

But  to  the  lovers. 

In  due  time  "Mamma"  (Miss  Freemantle)  presented  her 
blooming  daughter  to  the  happy  Billy,  who  was  attended  to  the 
njmeueal    alter   by    his   confidential    clerk,    Head-and-shouldera 

l>   2 


32 


ASK    MAMMA. 


Smith.  Biy  Beii,  who  was  dressed  in  a  blue  frock  coat  with  a 
velvet  collar,  white  kerseymere  trousers,  and  varnished  boots,  look- 
ing very  like  one  of  the  old  royal  dukes,  was  the  only  other  person 
present  at  the  interesting  ceremony,  save  Pheasant-feathers,  who 
lurked  in  one  of  the  pews. 

The  secret  had  been  well  kept,  for  the  evening  ])apers  of  that 
day  and  tlie  morning  ones  of  the  next  first  proclaimed  to  the 
"  great  world,"'  tliat  sphere  of  one's  own  acquaintance,  that 
William  Pringle,  Esquire,  of  Doughty  Street,  Russell  Square,  was 
married  to  Miss  Emma  Willing,  of— the  papers  did  not  say  where. 


CHAPTER    VT. 


THE    HAPPY    rXTTEI)    FAMILY. — fTRTAIX    CRESCEXT. 

THE  PRIXGLES  of  course 
were  furious  when  they  read 
the  announcement  of  Billy's 
marriage.  Such  a  degrada- 
tion to  such  a  respecta])]e 
family,  and  communicated 
in  such  a  way.  We  need 
scarcely  say  that  at  first  they 
all  made  the  worst  of  it, 
running  Mrs.  Wilh'am  down 
much  below  her  real  level,  and 
(kclaring  that  Billy  though 
hard  enough  in  money  mat- 
ters, was  sol't  enough  in  love 
affairs.  Then  Mrs.  Half-a- 
yard-of-the-table  Joe,  who  up 
to  tliat  time  had  been  the 
heUc  of  the  iamily,  essayed 
to  pick  her  t(j  pieces,  inti- 
mating that  she  was  much  in- 
debted to  hei'  dress  —  that 
iwv  feathers  made  fine  birds 
— hoped  that  Billy  would  like 

SARAH    i:K1M1>    '   ' 'N    pfTV  _    f  l  ,        , 

paying  lur  the  clothes,  and 
wondered  what  her  figure  would  oe  like  a  dozen  years  thence. 
Mrs.  Joe  had  preserved  hers,  never  indeed  having  been  in  the  way 


ASK    MAMMA.  88 

of  spoiling  it.  Joe  looked  as  if  he  was  to  perpetuate  the  family 
name.  By-and-by,  when  it  became  known  that  the  Countess 
Delacey's  yellow  carriage,  with  the  high -stepping  greys  and  the 
cocked-np-nose  beet-root-and-clierry-colourcd  Johnnies,  was  to  be 
seen  astonishing  the  natives  in  Doughty  Street,  they  began  to 
think  better  of  it ;  and  thougli  they  did  not  stint  themselves  for 
rudeness  (disguised  as  civility  of  course),  they  treated  her  less 
like  a  show,  more  especially  wlicn  Billy  was  present.  Still,  though 
they  could  not  make  up  their  niiiuls  to  be  really  civil  to  her,  they 
could  not  keep  away  from  hci\  just  a,s  the  moth  will  be  at  the 
candle  despite  its  unpleasant  consequences.  Indeed,  it  is  one  of 
the  marked  characteristics  of  Snobbism,  that  they  won't  be  cut 
At  least,  if  yon  do  get  a  Snob  cut,  ten  to  one  but  he  will  take 
every  opportunity  of  rubbing  up  against  you,  or  sitting  down 
beside  you  in  jniblic,  or  overtaking  yon  on  the  road,  or  stopping  a 
mutual  acquaintance  with  you  in  the  street,  either  to  show  his 
indid'erence  or  his  independence,  or  in  the  hope  of  its  passing  for 
intimacy.  There  arc  people  who  can't  understand  any  coolness 
short  of  a  kick.  The  Pringlcs  wore  tiresome  people.  They 
would  neither  be  in  with  jMrs.  William,  nor  out  with  her.  So 
there  was  that  continual  knag,  knag,  knagging  going  on  in  the 
happy  united  family,  that  makes  life  so  pleasant  and  enjoyable. 
Mrs.  William  well  knew,  when  any  of  them  came  to  call  upon  her, 
that  her  sayings  and  doings  would  fui-nish  recreation  for  the  rest 
of  the  cage.  It  is  an  agreeable  thing  to  have  people  in  one's 
house  acting  the  part  of  spies.  One  day  Mrs.  Joe,  who  lived  in 
Guildford  Street,  seeing  the  Oountcsh's  carriage-horses  cold- 
catching  in  Doughty  Street,  while  her  hidyship  discussed  some 
important  millinery  (juestioii  with  I\Ii>.  AVilliam,  could  not  resist 
the  temptation  of  calling,  and  not  being  introduced  to  the 
Coimtess,  said  lo  ^Fis.  Williuni,  with  hvv  lust  \inegar  sneer,  the 
next  time  they  met,  she  '"oped  she  had  told  liei'  line  friend  that 
the  vulgar  woman  she  saw  at  liei'  'luisc  was  no  connection  of 
her's."  But  enough  of  such  nousciisc.  Let  us  on  to  something 
more  pleasant. 

Well,  then,  of  course  the  next  step  in  our  story  is  the  appearance 
of  our  hero,  the  boy  Billy— Fine  l>illy,  aforesaid.  Such  a  boy  as 
never  was  seen  !  All  other  mammas  went  away  dissatisfied  with 
theirs,  aftf-r  they  had  got  a  peep  of  our  Billy.  If  baby-shows  had 
Deen  in  existence  in  those  days.  Mi's.  liilly  might  have  scoured  the 
country  and  carried  away  all  the  ]>i'i7.es.  l-Acrybody  was  struck 
in  a  lieap  at  the  sight  of  him,  ami  his  sayings  and  doings  were 
worthy  of  a  ]»lace  in  Punch.  So  tliought  his  ]i:irents.  at  least. 
What  pei'fected  their  liap])iness,  of  course,  operated  dill'erently 
with   the  familv,  and  easetl   the   minds  of  tlie    ladies,  as  to   the 


34  ASK    MAMMA. 

expediency  of  further  outward  civility  to  Mrs.  William,  who  they 
now  snubbed  at  all  points,  and  prophesied  all  sorts  of  uncharit- 
ableness  of.  Mrs.,  on  her  side,  surpassed  them  all  in  dress  and 
good  looks,  and  bucked  Billy  up  into  a  very  produceable-looking 
article.  Though  he  mightn't  exactly  do  for  White's  bay- 
window  on  a  summer  afternoon,  he  looked  uncommonly  well  on 
"  'Change,"  and  capitally  in  the  country.  Of  course,  he  came  in 
for  one  of  the  three  cardinal  sources  of  abuse  the  world  is  always 
so  handy  with,  viz.,  that  a  man  either  behaves  ill  to  his  wife,  is 
a  screw,  or  is  out-running*  the  constable,  the  latter,  of  course, 
being  Billy's  crime,  which  admitted  of  a  large  amount  of  blame 
being  laid  on  the  lady,  though,  we  are  happy  to  say,  Billy  had 
no  trial  of  speed  with  the  constable,  for  his  wife,  by  whose  per- 
mission men  thrive,  was  a  capital  manager,  and  Billy  slapped 
his  fat  thigh  over  his  beloved  balance-sheets  every  Christmas, 
exclaiming,  as  he  hopped  joyously  round  on  one  leg,  snapping  his 
finger  and  thumb,  "  Our  Bill//  shall  be  a  gent !  Our  Bill//  shall 
he  a  gent ! "  And  he  half  came  in  to  the  oft-expressed  wish 
of  his  wife,  that  he  might  live  to  see  him  united  to  a  quality 
lady  :  Mr.  aud  Lady  Ara^bella  Pnngle,  Mr.  and  Lady  Sophia 
Pringle,  or  Mr.  and  Lady  Charlotte  Elizabeth  Pringle,  as  the  case 
might  be. 

Vainglorious  ambition  !  After  an  inordinate  kidney  supper, 
poor  Billy  was  found  dead  in  his  chair.  Great  was  the  consterna- 
tion among  the  Pringle  family  at  the  lamentable  affliction.  All 
except  Jerry,  who,  speculating  on  his  habits,  had  recently  effected 
a  policy  on  his  life,  were  deeply  shocked  at  the  event.  They 
buried  him  with  all  becoming  pomp,  and  then,  Jerry,  who  had 
always  professed  great  interest  in  the  boy  Billy — so  great,  indeed, 
as  to  induce  his  brother  (though  with  no  great  opinion  of  Jerry, 
but  hoping  that  his  services  would  never  be  wanted,  and  that  it 
might  ingratiate  the  nephew  with  the  bachelor  uncle,)  to  appoint 
him  an  executor  and  guardian — waited  upon  the  widow,  and  with 
worlds  of  tears  and  pious  lamentations,  explained  to  her  in  tha 
most  unexplanatory  manner  possible,  all  how  things  were  left,  but 
begging  that  she  would  not  give  herself  any  trouble  about  her 
son's  affairs,  for,  if  she  would  attend  to  his  spiritual  wants,  and 
instil  high  principles  of  honour,  morality,  and  fine  feeling  into  his 
youthful  mind,  he  would  look  after  the  mere  worldly  dross,  which 
was  as  nothing  compared  to  the  importance  of  the  other.  "Teach 
him  to  want  nothin'  but  what's  right,"  continued  Jerry,  as  he 
thought  most  impressively.  "  Teach  him  to  want  nothin'  but 
what's  right,  and  when  he  grows  up  to  manhood  marry  him  to 
some  nice,  pious  respectable  young  woman  in  his  own  rank  of  life, 
with  a  somethin'  of  her  own  ;   gentility  is  all  \ery  well  to  talk 


ASK    MAMMA. 


35 


about,  but  it  gets  yon  nothin'  at  the  market,"  added  he,  forgetting 
that  he  was  afraiust  the  mere  worldly  dross. 

But  Mrs.  Priii<rle,  who  knew  the  value  of  the  article,  intimated 
at  an  early  day,  that  she  would  like  to  be  admitted  into  the  money 
partnership  as  well,  whereupon  Jerry  waxing  wroth,  said  with  an 
irate  glance  of  his  keen  grey  eyes,  **  My  dear  madam,  these  family 
matters,  in   my  opinion,  require   to   be   treated   not   only   in   a 


THK  HAPPY  PNnr.r)  family. 


l)iisine?;R-likc  way,  but  with  a  very  considerable  degree  of  delicacy  :"" 
an  undisputed  dogma,  acquiring  force  only  by  the  manner  in  wliich 
it  was  delivered.  So  the  pretty  widow  saw  she  had  better  hold  lier 
tongue,  and  hope  for  the  best  from  the  little  fawning  bully. 

The  melancholy  catastrophe  with  which  we  closed  our  last/ 
chapter  found  our  hero  at  a  preparatory  school,  studying  for  Eton^ 
whither  papa  pro])osed  sending  him  on  the  old  ])rincij)le  of  getting 
him  into  good  society  ;  though  wc  believe  it  is  an  experiment  that 
seldom  succeeds.  The  widow,  indeed,  took  this  view  of  the 
nuitter,  fur  her  knoAlcdge  of  high  life  caused  her  to  know  that 


M  ASK    MAMMA. 

though  a  "proud  aristocracy"  can  condescend,  and  even  worship 
wealth,  yet  that  they  are  naturally  clannish  and  exxlnsive,  and 
tenacious  of  pedigree.  In  addition  to  this,  Mrs.  Pringle's  ex- 
perience of  men  led  her  to  think  that  the  solemn  pedantic  "  Greek 
and  Latin  ones,"  as  she  called  them,  who  know  all  about  Julius 
Caesar  coming,  "  summa  diUffentta,'^  on  the  top  of  the  diligence, 
were  not  half  so  agreeable  as  those  who  could  dance  and  sing,  and 
knew  all  that  was  going  on  in  the  present-day  world  ;  which,  in 
addition  to  her  just  appreciation  of  the  delicate  position  of  her 
son,  made  her  resolve  not  to  risk  him  among  the  rising  aristocracy 
at  Eton,  who,  instead  of  advancing,  might  only  damage  his  future 
prospects  in  life,  but  to  send  him  to  Paris,  where,  besides  the  three 
R's, — *'  reading,  riting,  and  rithmetic," — he  would  acquire  all  the 
elegant  accomplishments  and  dawn  fresh  upon  the  world  an  un- 
expected meteor. 

This  matter  being  arranged,  she  then  left  Dirty  Street,  as  she 
called  Doughty  Street,  with  all  the  disagreeable  Pringle  family 
espionage,  and  reminiscences,  and  migrated  westward,  taking  up 
her  abode  in  the  more  congenial  atmosphere  of  Curtain  Crescent, 
Pimlico,  or  Belgravia,  as,  we  believe  the  owners  of  the  houses  wish 
to  have  it  called.  Here  she  established  herself  in  a  very  hand- 
some, commodious  house,  with  porticoed  doorway  and  balconied 
drawing-rooms — every  requisite  for  a  genteel  family  in  short ;  and 
such  a  mansion  being  clearly  more  than  a  single  lady  required, 
she  sometimes  accommodated  the  less  fortunate,  through  the 
medium  of  a  house-agent,  though  both  he  and  she  always  begged 
it  to  be  distinctly  understood  that  she  did  not  let  lodgings,  but 
"  apartments  ;  *'  and  she  always  requested  that  the  consideration 
might  be  sent  to  her  in  a  sealed  envelope  by  the  occupants,  in  the 
same  manner  as  she  transmitted  them  the  bill.  So  she  managed 
to  make  a  considerable  appearance  at  a  moderate  expense,  it  being 
only  in  the  full  season  that  her  heart  yearned  towards  the  house- 
less, when  of  course  a  high  premium  was  expected.  There  is 
nothing  uncommon  in  people  letting  their  whole  houses  ;  so  why 
should  there  be  anything  strange  in  Mrs.  Pringle  occasionally 
letting  a  part  of  one?  Clearly  nothing.  Though  IMrs.  Joe  did 
say  she  had  turned  a  lodging-house  keeper,  she  could  not  refrain 
from  having  seven-and-sixpence  worth  of  Brougham  occasionally 
to  see  how  the  land  lay. 

It  is  but  justice  to  our  fair  friend  to  say  that  she  commenced 
with  great  prudence.  So  handsome  unprotected  a  female  being 
open  to  the  criticisms  of  the  censorious,  she  changed  her  good- 
looking  footman  for  a  sedate  elderly  man,  whose  name,  Properjohn, 
John  Properjohn,  coupled  with  the  severe  austerity  of  his  manners, 
was  enough  to  scare  away  intruders,  and  to  keep  the  young  girls 


\  ,  .  ^: 


1^(1  nn  '    ' 


,»CliN     PROPRR.JOHN. 


ASK    MAMMA.  37 

m  order,  whom  our  friend  had  consigned  to  her  from  the  country, 
ill  the  hopes  that  her  drilling  and  recommendation  would  procure 
them  admission  into  quality  families. 

Properjohn  had  been  spoiled  for  high  service  by  an  attack  of 
the  jaundice,  but  his  figure  was  stately  and  good,  and  she  sought 
to  modify  his  injured  complexion  by  a  snuff-coloured,  Quaker-cut 
coat  and  vest,  with  claret-coloured  shorts,  and  buckled  shoes. 
Thus  attired,  with  his  oval-brimmed  hat  looped  up  with  gold 
cord,  and  a  large  double-jointed  brass-headed  cane  in  his  hand,  he 
marched  after  his  mistress,  a  damper  to  the  most  audacious. 
Properjohn,  having  lived  in  good  families  until  he  got  spoiled  by 
the  jaundice,  had  a  very  extensive  acquaintance  among  the 
aristocracy,  with  whom  Mrs.  Pringle  soon  established  a  peculiar 
intercourse.  She  became  a  sort  of  ultimate  Court  of  Appeal,  a 
Coio'  do  Cassation,  in  all  matters  of  taste  in  apparel, — whether  a 
bonnet  should  be  lilac  or  lavender  colour,  a  dress  deeply  flounced 
or  lightly,  a  lady  go  to  a  ball  in  feathers  or  diamonds,  or  both — in 
all  those  varying  and  perplexing  points  that  so  excite  and  bewilder 
the  female  mind  :  Mrs.  Pringle  would  settle  all  these  ,  whatever 
Mrs.  Pringle  said  the  fair  applicants  would  abide  by,  and  milliners 
and  dress-makers  submitted  to  her  judgment.  This,  of  course, 
let  her  into  the  privacies  of  domestic  life.  She  knew  what 
husbands  stormed  at  the  miUiners'  and  dress-makers'  bills, 
bounced  at  the  price  of  the  Opera-box,  and  were  eternally  com- 
plaining of  their  valuable  horses  catching  cold.  She  knew  who 
the  cousin  was  who  was  always  to  be  admitted  in  Tiavendcr 
Square,  and  where  the  needle-case-shaped  note  went  to  after  it  had 
visited  the  toy-shop  in  Arcadia  Street.  If  her  own  informntion 
was  defective,  Projierjohn  could  supply  the  deficiency.  The  two, 
between  them,  knew  almost  everything. 

Nor  was  i\rrs.  Pringlc's  influence  confined  to  the  heads  of 
houses,  for  it  soon  extended  to  many  of  the  junior  mcml)ers  also. 
It  is  a  well  known  fact  that,  when  the  gorgeous  Lady  Rainbow 
came  to  consult  her  about  her  daughter's  goings  on  with  Captain 
Conquest,  the  Captain  and  ]\ratilda  saw  jMamma  alight  from  the 
flaunting  hammer-clothed  tub,  as  they  stood  behind  the  figured 
yellow  tabaret  curtains  of  Mrs.  Priiigle's  drawing-room  window, 
whither  they  had  been  attracted  by  the  thundering  of  one  of  the 
old  noisy  order  of  footmen.  Blessings  on  the  man,  say  we,  who 
substituted  bells  for  knockers — so  tliat  lovers  may  not  be  dis- 
turbed, or  visitors  unaccustomed  to  public  knocking  have  to 
expose  their  incompetence. 

We  should,  however,  state,  that  whenever  Mrs.  Pringle  \vn9 
couBulted   by  any  of  the   juveniles  upon  their   love   allairs,  she 


38  ASK    MAMMA. 

invariably  suggested  that  they  had  better  "Ask  Matnma,"  though 
perhaps  it  was  only  done  as  a  matter  of  form,  and  to  enable  her  to 
remind  them  at  a  future  day,  if  things  went  wrong,  that  she  had 
done  so.  Many  people  make  offers  that  they  never  mean  to  have 
accepted,  but  still,  if  they  are  not  accepted,  the?/  made  them  you 
know.  If  they  are  accepted,  why  then  they  wriggle  out  of  them 
the  best  way  they  can.  But  we  are  dealing  in  generalities,  instead 
of  confining  ourselves  to  Mrs.  Pringle's  practice.  If  the  young 
lady  or  gentleman — for  Mrs.  Pringle  was  equally  accessible  to  the 
sexes — prefei-red  "  asking  "  her  to  "Asking  Mamma,"  Mrs.  Pringle 
was  always  ready  to  do  what  she  could  for  them  ;  and  the  fine 
Sevres  and  Dresden  china,  the  opal  vases,  the  Bohemian  scent- 
bottles,  the  beautiful  bronzes,  the  or-molu  jewel  c?.skets,  and 
Parisian  clocks,  that  mounted  guard  in  the  drawing-room  when  it 
was  not  "  in  commission "  (occupied  as  apartment's),  spoke 
volumes  for  the  gratitude  of  those  she  befriended.  Mrs.  Pringle 
was  soon  the  repository  of  many  secrets,  but  we  need  not  say  that 
the  lady  who  so  adroitly  concealed  Pheasant  Feathers  on  her  own 
account  was  not  likely  to  be  entrapped  into  committing  others  ; 
and  though  she  was  often  waited  upon  by  pleasant  convei-sa- 
tionalists  on  far-fetched  erj'ands,  who  endeavoured  to  draw 
carelessly  down  wind  to  their  point,  as  well  as  by  seedy  and  half- 
seedy  gentlemen,  who  proceeded  in  a  more  business-like  style, 
both  the  pleasant  conversationalists  and  the  seedy  and  the  half- 
Bcedy  gentlemen  went  away  as  wise  as  they  came.  She  never 
knew  anything  ;  it  was  the  first  she  had  heard  of  anything  of  the 
sort. 

Altogether,  !Mrs.  Pringle  was  a  wonderful  woman,  and  not  the 
least  remarkable  trait  in  her  character  was  that,  although  servants, 
who,  like  the  rest  of  the  world,  are  so  ready  to  pull  people  down 
to  their  own  level,  knew  her  early  professional  career,  yet  she 
managed  them  so  well  that  they  all  felt  an  interest  in  elevating 
her,  from  the  Duke's  Duke,  down  to  old  quivering- calved 
Jeames  de  la  Pluche,  who  sipped  her  hop  champagne,  and  told 
all  he  heard  while  waiting  at  table — that  festive  period  when 
people  talk  as  if  their  attendants  were  cattle  or  inanimate 
oeings. 

The  reader  will  now  liave  the  goodness  to  consider  our  friend, 
Fine  Billy,  established  with  his  handsome  mother  in  Curtain 
Crescent — not  Pimlico,  but  Bclgravia — with  all  the  airs  and  action 
described  in  our  opening  chapter.  We  have  been  a  long  time  in 
working  up  to  him,  but  the  reader  will  not  find  the  space  wasted, 
inasmuch  as  it  has  given  him  a  good  introduction  to  "  Madam," 
under  whose  auspices  Billy  will  shortly  have  to  grapple  with  the 
"Ask  Ma:\i:ia  "  world.     Moreover,  we  feel  that  if  there  has  been 


ASK    MAMMA.  S9 

A  piece  of  elegance  overlooked  by  novelists  gencj'ally,  it  is  the 
delicate,  sensitive,  highly-refined  lady's-maid.  With  these  ob- 
servations, we  now  pass  on  to  the  son  He  had  exceeded,  il 
possible,  his  good  mother's  Parisian  anticipations,  for  if  he  had 
not  brought  away  any  great  amount  of  learning,  if  he  did  not 
know  a  planet  from  a  fixed  star,  the  difference  of  oratory  between 
Cicero  and  Demosthenes,  or  the  history  of  Cupid  and  the  minor 
heathen  deities,  he  was  nevertheless  an  uncommonly  good  hand  at 
a  polka,  could  be  matched  to  waltz  with  any  one,  and  had  a 
tremendous  determination  of  words  to  the  month.  His  dancing 
propensities,  indeed,  were  likely  to  mislead  him  at  starting  ;  for, 
not  getting  into  the  sort  of  society  Mrs.  Pringle  wished  to  see  him 
attain,  he  took  up  with  Cremornc  and  Casinos,  and  questionable 
characters  generally. 

Mrs.  Pringlc's  own  establishment,  we  are  sorry  to  say,  soon 
furnished  her  with  the  severest  cause  of  dis(|uietude  ;  for  having 
always  acted  upon  tiie  principle  of  having  pretty  maids — the 
difference,  as  she  said,  between  pretty  and  plain  ones  being,  that 
the  men  ran  after  the  pretty  ones,  while  the  plain  ones  ran  after 
the  men — having  always,  we  say,  acted  upon  the  principle  of 
having  pretty  ones,  she  forgot  to  change  her  system  on  the  return 
of  her  hopeful  son  ;  and  before  she  knew  where  she  was,  he  had 
established  a  desperate  Ualsun  with  a  fair  maid  whose  aptitude  lor 
b^-pakage  liad  procured  for  her  Wxq  sobriquet  of  Butter  Fingers. 
Now,  Batter  Fingers,  whose  real  name  was  Disher — Jane  Dish'V 
— was  a  niece  of  or.r  old  friend,  Big  Ben,  now  a  flourishing 
London  hotel  landlord,  and  Butter  Fingers  partook  of  the  goodly 
properties  and  proportions  for  which  the  Ben  family  are  distin- 
guished. She  was  a  little,  plump,  fair,  round-about  thing,  with 
every  quality  of  a  healthy  country  beauty. 

Fine  Billy  was  first  struck  with  her  one  Sunday  afternoon, 
tripping  along  in  Knigbtsbridge,  as  she  was  making  her  way  iioine 
from  Kensington  Gardens,  when  the  cheap  finery — the  parasol,  the 
profusely-flowered  white  gauze  l)onnet,  the  veil,  the  machinery 
laced  cloak,  the  fringed  kerchief,  worked  sleeves,  &c.,  which  she 
kept  at  Chickory  the  greengrocer's  in  Sun  Street,  and  changed  there 
for  the  quiet  apparel  in  which  she  left  ]\lrs.  Pringle's  house  in 
Curtain  Crescent — completely  deceived  hiui  ;  as  mueh  ns  did  the 
half-starting  smile  of  recognition  she  involuntarily  gave  him  on 
meeting.  Great  was  his  sumrise  to  find  that  such  a  smart,  neat- 
Itejipiiig,  well-set-up,  bien  chausscc  beauty  and  he  cani(>  from  the 
Bame  ijuarters.  We  need  not  say  what  followed  :  how  Pi-operjolm 
couldn't  see  what  everybody  else  saw  ;  and  how  at  length  poor 
Mrs.  Pringle,  having  changed  her  mind  about  going  to  hear  j\Ir. 
Spurgeon,  caught  the   two  sitting  together,  on  her  ricldy  carved 


40  ASK    MAMMA. 

sofa  of  chaste  design,  in  tlie  then  non-commissioned  put-away 
drawing  room.  There  was  Butter  Fingers  in  a  flounced  book- 
muslin  gown  with  a  broad  French  sash,  and  her  hair  clubbed  at  the 
back  a  la  crow's-nest.  It  was  hard  to  say  which  of  the  three  got 
the  greatest  start,  though  the  blow  was  undoubtedly  the  severest 
on  the  poor  mother,  who  had  looked  forward  to  seeing  her  son 
entering  the  rank  of  life  legitimately  in  which  she  had  occupied  a 
too  questionable  position.  The  worst  of  it  was,  she  did  not  know 
what  to  do — whether  to  turn  her  out  of  the  house  at  the  moment, 
and  so  infuriate  the  uncle  and  her  son  also,  or  give  her  a  good 
scolding,  and  get  rid  of  her  on  the  first  plausible  opportunity. 
She  had  no  one  to  consult.  She  kncAV  what  "  Want-nothin'-but- 
what's-right  Jerry  "  would  say,  and  that  nothing  would  please  Mrs. 
Half-a-yard-of-the-table  Joe  more  than  to  read  the  marriage  of 
Billy  and  Butter  Fingers. 

Mrs.Pringle  was  afraid  too  of  offending  Big  Ben  by  the  abrupt 
dismissal  of  his  niece,  and  dreaded  if  Butter  Fingers  had  gained 
any  ascendancy  over  William,  that  he  too  might  find  a  convenient 
marrying  place  as  somebody  else  had  d<jne. 

Altogether  our  fair  friend  was  terribly  perplexed.  Thrown  on 
the  natural  resources  of  her  own  strong  mind,  she  thought, 
perhaps,  the  usual  way  of  getting  young  ladies  off  bad  matches,  by 
showing  them  something  better,  might  be  tried  with  her  son. 
Billy's  debut  in  the  metropolis  had  not  been  so  flattering  as  she 
could  have  wished,  but  then  she  could  make  allowances  for  town 
exclusiveness,  and  the  pick  and  choice  of  dancing  activity  which 
old  family  connections  and  associations  supplied.  The  country 
was  very  different ;  there,  young  men  were  always  in  request,  and 
were  taken  with  much  lighter  credentials. 

If,  thought  she,  sweet  William  could  but  manage  to  establish  a 
good  country  connection,  there  was  no  saying  but  he  might 
retain  it  in  town  ;  at  all  events,  the  experiment  would  separate 
him  from  the  artful  Butter  Fingers,  and  pave  the  way  for  her 
dismissal. 

To  accomplish  this  desirable  object,  Mrs.  Pringle  therefore 
devoted  her  undivided  attention. 


ASK    MAMMA. 


41 


CHAPTER    YII. 


THE   EARL   OF  LADYTIIORNE. — 3IISS  DE   GLAXCEY. 


A' 


MONO  Mrs.  Tringle's  many 
visitors  was  that  gallant  old 
philanthi'opist,  the  well- 
known  Earl  of  Ladytborne, 
of  Tantivy  (Aistle,  Fcatlier- 
bedfordshire.  and  Belvedere 
House,  Londcin. 

His  lordship  had  known 
her  at  Lady  Delacey's,  and 
Mrs.  Pringle  still  wore  and 
})rized  a  ruby  ring  he 
slipped    upon    her 
finger  as  he  met  her 
(accidentally     of 
course)  in  the 
]iassage  early  one 
morning  as  he  was 
going  to  hunt. 
His   saddle- 
horses    might 
f\l\m*^^^S^^^g^^SVv^^[^^^^^i|l||llV      often  be  seen 

m\  li^^^^^^^E^^^^        \\\^^lvl''         ^^  ^  summer 
«¥iB?c«ssC=^'*»>^^«^«^  ^\\   vciasi  afternoon, 

tossing  their 
heads  up  and 
down  Curtain 

Crescent,  to  the  amusement  <if  the  inhabitants  of  that  locality. 
His  lordship  indeed  was  a  well-known  general  patron  of  all  that 
was  fair  and  fme  and  handsome  in  creation,  fine  women,  fine 
houses,  fine  horses,  tiue  hounds,  fme  pictures,  fine  statues,  fine 
every  thinu-.  Xo  pretty  woman  either  in  tov.'n  or  country  ever 
wanted  a  friend  if  he  was  aware  of  it. 

He  had  long  hunted  Featherbedfordsliire  in  a  style  of  great 
magnificence,  and  though  latterly  his  eutrgids  had  perhaps  been 
as  much  devoted  to  the  pursuit  of  the  i'air  as  the  fox,  yet, 
as  he  found  the  two  worked  well  together,  he  kej)t  up  the 
hunting  establishment  with  all  the  splendour  of  bis  youth. 
Not  thiit  he  was  old  :  iis  be  would  say,  "far from  if!''''  liuleed, 
to    walk    behind     liim    down    fSt.    James's    JSlreeL    Oie    does    not 


Tin;  y.wu.  Oh   ladtthorne. 


42  ASK    MAMMA. 

go  quite  80  well  up),  his  easy  jaunty  air,  tall  graceful  figure, 
and  elasticity  of  step,  might  make  him  pass  for  a  man  in  that 
most  uncertain  period  of  existence  the  "prime  of  life,"  and 
if  uncivil,  unfriendly,  inexorable  time  has  whitened  his  pow, 
his  lordship  carries  it  off  with  the  aid  of  gay  costume  and 
colour.  He  had  a  great  reputation  among  the  ladies,  and  though 
they  all  laughed  and  shook  their  heads  when  his  name  was 
mentioned,  from  the  pretty  simpering  Mrs.  Eingdove,  of  Lime- 
Tree  Grove, who  said  he  was  a  "  naughty  man,"  down  to  the  buxom 
chambermaid  of  the  Rose  and  Crown,  who  giggled  and  called  him 
a  "  gay  old  gentleman,"  they  all  felt  pleased  and  flattered  by  his 
attentions. 

Hunting  a  country  undoubtedly  gives  gay  old  gentlemen  great 
opportunities,  for,  under  pretence  of  finding  a  fox,  they  may 
rummage  any  where  from  the  garret  *  to  the  cellar. 

In  this  interesting  pursuit,  his  lordship  was  ably  assisted  by  his 
huntsman,  Dicky  Boggledike.  Better  huntsman  there  might  be 
than  Dicky,  but  none  so  eminently  qualified  for  the  double  pursuit 
of  the  fox  and  the  fine.  He  had  a  great  deal  of  tact  and  manner, 
and  looked  and  was  essentially  a  nobleman's  servant.  He  didn't 
come  blurting  open-mouthed  with  "  I've  seen  a  davilish,"  for  such 
was  his  dialect,  "  I've  seen  a  davilish  fine  oss,  my  lord,"  or  "  They 
say  Mrs.  Caudle's  cow  has  gained  another  prize,"  but  he  would 
take  an  ojtportunity  of  introducing  the  subject  neatly  and  deli- 
cately, through  the  medium  of  some  allusion  to  the  country  in 
which  they  were  to  be  found,  some  cover  wanting  cutting,  some 
poacher  wanting  trouncing,  or  some  puppy  out  at  walk,  so  that  if 
his  lovdtihip  didn't  seem  to  come  into  tlie  humour  of  the  thing, 
Dicky  could  whip  off  to  the  other  scent  as  if  he  had  nothing 
else  in  his  mind.  It  was  seldom,  however,  that  his  lordship  was 
not  inclined  to  profit  by  Dicky's  experience,  for  he  had  great 
sources  of  information,  and  was  very  carel'ul  in  his  statements, 
His  lordship  and  Dicky  had  now  hunted  Featherbedfordshire 
together  for  nearly  forty  years,  and  though  they  might  not  be  so 

•  E.C.  gra.,  as  we  say  in  the  classics.  "A  Fox  Run  ixto  a  Lady's 
Drkssixg-Kooii. — The  Hejthrop  hounds  met  at  Ranger's  Lodge,  within 
about  a  mile  of  Charlbury,  found  in  Hazell  Wood,  and  went  away  through 
Great  Cranwell,  crossing  the  park  of  Cornbury,  on  by  the  old  kennel  to 
.•|"ive  Oak.  taking  the  side  hill,  leaving  Leafield  (so  celebrated  for  clay-pipes') 
to  his  left,  crosseii  the  bottom  by  Five  Ashes  ;  then  turned  to  the  right, 
through  King's  Wood  Smallstones,  Knighton  Copse,  over  the  plain  to 
Ranger's  Lodge,  with  the  hounds  close  at  his  brush,  wiiere  they  left  him  in 
a  mysterious  manner.  After  the  lapse  of  a  little  time  he  was  discovered  by 
a  maid-servant  in  the  ladies'  dressing-room,  from  which  he  immediately 
bolted  on  the  appearance  of  the  petticoats,  without  doing  the  slightest 
damage  to  person  or  property." — BelVs  Life.     What  a  gentlemanly  fox  I 


ASK    3TAMMA.  43 

punctual  in  the  mornings,  or  so  late  in  leaving  off  in  the  evenings, 
as  they  were  ;  and  though  his  lordship  might  come  to  the  meet 
in  his  carriage  and  four  with  the  reigning  favourite  by  his  side, 
instead  of  on  his  neat  cover  hack,  and  though  Dicky  did  dance 
longer  at  his  fences  than  he  used,  still  there  was  no  diminution  in 
the  scale  of  the  establishment,  or  in  Dicky's  influence  throughout 
the  country.  Indeed,  it  would  rather  seem  as  if  the  now  well- 
matured  hunt  ran  to  show  instead  of  sport,  for  each  succeeding 
year  brought  out  either  another  second  horseman  (though  neither 
his  lordship  nor  Dicky  ever  tired  one),  or  another  man  in  a  scarlet 
and  cap,  or  established  another  Rose  and  Crown,  whereat  his 
lordship  kept  dry  things  to  change  in  case  he  got  web.  He 
was  nncommonly  kind  to  himself,  and  hated  his  heir  with  an 
intensity  of  hatred  which  was  at  once  the  best  chance  for 
longevity  and  for  sustaining  the  oft-disappointed  ambitious  hopes 
of  the  fan". 

Now  ]\Irs.  Pringle  had  always  had  a  very  laudable  admiration 
of  fox-hunters.  She  thought  the  best  introduction  for  a  young 
man  of  fortune  was  at  the  cover  side,  and  though  Jerry  Pringle 
(who  looked  upon  them  as  synonymous)  had  always  denounced 
"gamblin'  and  huutin'"  as  the  two  greatest  vices  of  the  day, 
she  could  never  come  in  to  that  opinion,  as  far  as  hunting  was 
concerned. 

She  now  thought  if  she  could  get  Billy  launched  under  the 
auspices  of  that  distinguished  sportsman,  the  Earl  of  Ladythorne, 
it  might  be  the  means  of  reclaiming  him  from  Butter  Fingers,  and 
getting  him  on  in  society,  for  she  well  knew  how  being  seen  at 
one  good  place  led  to  another,  just  as  the  umbrella-keepers  at  the 
Royal  Academy  try  to  lead  people  into  giving  them  something  in 
contravention  of  the  rule  above  their  heads,  by  jingling  a  few 
half-pence  before  their  faces.  Moreover,  Billy  had  shown  an 
inclination  for  equitation — by  nearly  galloping  several  of  j\[r. 
Spavin,  the  neighbouring  livery -stable-keeper's  horses'  tails  off; 
and  Mrs.  Pringle's  knowledge  of  hunting  not  being  equal  to  her 
appreciation  of  the  sport,  she  thought  that  a  master  of  hounds 
found  all  the  gentlemen  who  joined  his  hunt  in  horses,  just  as  a 
shooter  finds  them  in  dogs  or  guns,  so  that  the  thing  would  l>c 
managed  immediately. 

Indeed,  like  many  ladies,  she  had  rather  a  confused  idea  of  the 
whole  thing,  not  knowing  but  that  one  horse  would  hunt  every  day  in 
the  week  ;  or  that  there  was  any  distinction  of  horses,  further  than 
the  purposes  to  which  they  were  applied.  Hunters  and  race- 
horses she  had  no  doubt  fl-ere  the  same  animals,  working  their 
ways  honestly  from  year's  end  to  year's  end,  or  at  mosr  with  only 
the   sort   of  dilference   between   them    that   tliere   is   between  a 


44  ASK    MA 31 31  A. 

milliner  and  a  dressmaker.  Be  that  as  it  may,  however,  all  things 
considered,  Mrs.  Prino:le  determined  to  test  the  sincerity  of  her 
friend  the  Earl  of  Ladythorne  :  and  to  that  end  wrote  him  a 
gossiping  sort  of  letter,  asking,  in  the  postscript,  when  his  dogs 
would  be  going  out,  as  her  son  was  at  home  and  would  "so 
like  "  to  see  them. 

Although  we  introduced  Lord  Ladythorne  as  a  philanthropist, 
his  philanthropy,  we  should  add,  was  rather  lop-sided,  being  chiefly 
confined  to  the  fair.  Indeed,  he  could  better  stand  a  dozen  women 
than  one  man.  He  had  no  taste  or  sympathy,  for  the  hirsute  tribe, 
hence  his  fields  were  very  select,  being  chiefly  composed  of  his 
dependents  and  people  whom  he  could  d —  and  do  what  he  liked 
with.  Though  the  Crumpletin  Kailway  cut  right  through  his 
country,  making  it  "varry  contagious,"  as  Harry  Swan,  his  first 
whip,  said,  for  sundry  large  towiis,  the  sporting  inhabitants 
thereof  preferred  the  money-griping  propensities  of  a  certain 
Baronet — Sir  Moses  Mainchauce — whose  acquaintance  the  reader 
will  presently  make,  to  the  scot-free  sport  Avith  the  frigid  civilities 
of  the  noble  Earl.  Under  ordinary  circumstances,  therefore,  Mrs. 
Printjle  had  made  rather  an  unfortunate  selection  for  her  son's 
debui,  but  it  so  happened  that  her  letter  found  the  Earl  in  anything 
but  his  usual  frame  of  mind. 

He  was  sud'ering  most  acutely  for  the  hundred  and  twentieth 
time  or  so  from  one  of  Cupid's  shafts,  and  tliat  too  levelled  by  a 
hand  against  whose  attacks  he  had  always  hitherto  been  thought 
impervious.  This  wound  had  been  inflicted  by  the  well-known 
— perhaps  to  some  of  our  readers  too  well-known — eques- 
trian coquette.  Miss  de  Glancey  of  Half-the-watering-places-in- 
England-and-some-on-the-Coutinent,  whose  many  conquests  had 
caused  her  to  be  regarded  as  almost  irresistible,  and  induced,  it 
was  said — with  what  degree  of  ti'uth  we  know  not — a  party  of 
England's  enterprising  sons  to  fib  her  out  for  an  ex])edition 
against  the  gallant  Va\y\  of  Ladythorne  under  the  Limited 
Viability  xVct. 

Now,  none  but  a  mo:<t  accomplished,  self-sullicieut  coquette,  such 
as  Miss  de  Glancey  undoubtedly  was,  would  have  undertaken  such 
an  enterprise,  for  it  was  in  direct  contravention  of  two  of  the  noble 
Earl's  leading  principles,  namely,  that  of  liking  lav_2;c  ladies  (fine, 
coarse  women,  as  the  slim  ones  call  them.)  and  of  disliking  fox- 
hunting ones,  the  sofa  and  not  the  saddle  being,  as  he  always  said, 
the  proper  place  for  the  ladies  ;  but  Miss  de  Glancey  prided  herself 
upon  her  power  of  subjugating  the  tyrant  man,  and  gladly  under- 
took to  couch  the  lance  of  blandishment  against  the  hitherto  im- 
practicable nobleman.  Hi  order,  however,  to  understand  the  exact 
position  of  parties,  pcrliaps  the  reader  will  allow  tis  to  show  how 


ASK    MAMMA.  46 

his  lordship  came  to  be  seized  with  his  present  attack,  and  also 
how  he  treated  it. 

Well,  the  ash  was  yellow,  the  beech  was  brown,  and  the  oak 
ginger  coloured,  and  the  indomitable  youth  was  again  in  cub- 
hunting  costume — a  white  beaver  hat,  a  green  cut-away,  a  buff 
vest,  with  white  cords  and  caps,  attended  by  Boggledike  and  his 
whips  in  hats,  and  their  last  season's  pinks  or  purples,  disturbing 
the  numerous  litters  of  cubs  with  which  the  country  abounded, 
when,  after  a  musical  twenty  minutes  with  a  kill  in  Allonby  Wood, 
his  lordship  joined  horses  with  Dicky,  to  discuss  the  merits  of  the 
performance,  as  they  rode  home  together. 

"  Yas,  my  lord,  yas,"  replied  Bicky,  sawing  away  at  his  hat,  in 
reply  to  his  lordship's  observation  that  they  ran  uncommonly 
well  ;  "  yas,  my  lord,  they  did.  I  don't  know  that  I  can  ever 
remambcr  bein'  better  ])lease(l  with  an  entry  than  I  am  with  this 
year's.  I  really  think  in  a  few  more  seasons  we  shall  get  'em  as 
near  parfcctiou  as  possible.  Did  your  lordship  notisli  that  Barbara 
betcli,  how  she  took  to  runnin'  to-day  ?  The  first  time  she  has 
left  my  oss's  eels.  Iler  mother,  old  Blossom,  was  jest  the  same. 
Never  left  my  oss's  eels  the  first  season,  and  everybody  said  she 
was  fit  for  nothin'  but  the  halter  ;  but  my  !  "  continued  he, 
shaking  his  head,  "  what  a  rare  betch  she  did  become." 

•'She  did  that,"  replied  his  lordsliip,  smiling  at  Dicky's 
pronunciation. 

"  And  that  reminds  me,"  continued  Dicky,  emboldened  by 
what  he  thought  the  encouragement,  "  1  was  down  at  Freestone 
Banks  yasterday,  where  Barbai'a  was  walked,  a  secin'  a  pup  I 
have  there  now,  and  I  thiuk  I  seed  the  very  neatest  lady's  pad  I 
ever  set  eyes  on!" — Dicky's  light-blue  eyes  settling  on  his  lord- 
ship's eagle  ones  as  he  spoke. 

"  Aye  !  who's  was  that  ?"  asked  the  gay  old  gentleman,  catch- 
ing at  the  word  "lady." 

"  Why,  they  say  she  belongs  to  a  young  lady  from  the  south — 
a  ]\Iiss  Dedaneey,  I  think  they  call  her,"  with  the  aptitude  people 
have  for  mistaking  proper  names. 

"Dedaneey,"  repeated  his  lordship,  "Dedaneey  ;  never  heard  of 
the  name  before — what's  set  her  here  ?  " 

"  She's  styin'  at  "i\Ii\s.  Jioseworth's,  at  Laneeroft  House,  but  her 
osscs  stnnd  at  the  Spread  lleagle,  at  Bush  Uill — Old  Sam 
'Utchison's,  you  know." 

Indomilablc  YouUi.     lloi-scs  1  what,  has  she  more  than  one  ? 

Diclij.  Two,  a  bay  and  a  gray, — it"s  the  bay  that  takes  my 
fancy  most  : — the  neatest  steppei',  with  the  lightest  mouth,  and 
fairest,  freecst,  truest  action  I  ever  seed. 

Jndomiiahic  Youth.     What's  she  jiroinir  to  do  with  them  ? 


46  ASK    MAMMA. 

Dicky.  Jflide  them,  ride  them  !  They  say  she's  the  ficost  obb- 
woman  that  ever  was  seen. 

"  In-deed,"  mused  his  lordship,  thinking  over  the  pros  and  cotis 
of  female  equestrianism, — the  disagreeablencss  of  being  beat  by 
them, — the  disagreeableness  of  having  to  leave  them  in  the  lurcli, 
— the  disagreeableness  of  seeing  tlicm  floored, — the  disagreeable- 
ness of  seeing  them  all  running  down  with  perspiration  ; — the 
result  being  that  his  lordship  adhered  to  his  established  opinion 
that  women  have  no  business  out  hunting. 

Dicky  knew  his  lordship's  sentiments,  and  did  not  press  the 
matter,  but  drew  his  horse  a  little  to  the  rear,  thinking  it  fortunate 
that  all  men  are  not  of  the  same  way  of  thinking.  Thus  they 
rode  on  for  some  distance  in  silence,  broken  only  by  the  occasional 
flopping  and  chiding  of  Harry  Swan  or  his  brother  whip  of  some 
loitering  or  refractory  hound.  His  lordship  had  a  great  opinion 
of  Dicky's  judgment,  and  though  they  might  not  always  agree  in 
their  views,  he  never  damped  Dicky's  ardour  by  openly  differing 
with  him.  He  thought  by  Dicky's  way  of  mentioning  the  lady 
that  he  had  a  good  opinion  of  her,  and,  barring  the  riding,  his 
lordship  saw  no  reason  why  he  sliould  not  have  a  good  opinion  of 
her  too.  Taking  advantage  of  the  Linton  side-bar  now  bringing 
them  upon  the  Somerton-Longvilic  road,  he  reined  in  his  horse  a 
little  so  as  to  let  Dicky  come  alongside  of  him  again. 

"  What  is  this  young  lady  like  ? "  asked  the  indomitable  youth, 
as  soon  as  they  got  their  horses  to  step  pleasantly  together  again. 

"  Well  now,"  replied  Dicky,  screwing  up  his  mouth,  with  an 
apologetic  touch  of  his  hat,  knowing  that  that  was  his  weak  point, 
"  well  now,  I  don't  mean  to  say  that  she's  zactly — no,  not  zactly, 
your  lordship's  model, — not  a  large  fnll-bodicd  woman  like  Mrs. 
Blissland  or  Miss  Peach,  but  an  elegant,  veri/  elegant,  well-set-up 
young  lady,  with  a  high-bred  hair  about  her  that  one  seldom  sees 
in  the  country,  for  though  we  breeds  our  women  very  beautiful — 
uncommon  'andsome,  I  may  say — we  don't  polish  them  hup  to  that 
fine  degree  of  parfection  that  they  do  in  the  towns,  and  even  if  we 
did  they  would  most  likely  spoil  the  'ole  thing  by  some  untoward 
unsightly  dress,  jest  as  a  country  servant  spoils  a  London  livery  l)y 
a  coloured  tie,  or  goin'  about  with  a  great  shock  head  of  'air,  or 
some  such  disfigurement ;  but  this  young  lady,  to  my  mind,  is  a 
perfect  pictor,  self,  oss,  and  seat, — all  as  neat  and  perfect  as  can 
be,  and  nothing  that  one  could  either  halter  or  amend.  She  is 
what,  savin' your  lordship's  presence,  I  might  call  the  'pink  of 
fashion  and  the  mould  of  form!'"' — Dicky  sawing  away  at  his 
hat  as  he  spoke. 

"Tall,  slim,  and  genteel,  I  suppose,"  observed  his  lordship  drily. 

"  Jest  so,"  assented  Dicky,  with  a  chuck  of  the  chin,  makine:  a 


ASK    MAMMA. 


47 


clean  breast  of  it,  '■  jest  so  :"  addinti',  "'afc  least  as  far  as  one  can 
judj^c  of  her  in  her  'ahit,  you  know." 

'•  Thought  so,"  muttered  his  lordship. 

And  having  now  gained  one  of  the  doors  in  the  wall,  they  cut 
across  the  deer-studded  park,  and  were  presently  back  at  the 
Castle.  And  his  lordship  ate  his  dinner,  and  quailed  his  sweet 
and  dry  and  twenty-live  Lafitte  without  ever  thinking  about  either 
the  horse,  or  the  lady,  or  the  habit,  or  anything  connected  with 
the  foregoing  conversation,  while  the  reigning  favourite,  Mrs, 
^Moffatt,  appeared  just  as  handsome  as  could  be  in  his  "yes. 


CHAPTER    Vlir. 

CUB-IIUXTING. 


HOUGH  his 
lordship,  as  we 
said  before, 
would  stoutly 
deny  being 
old,  he  had 
n  e  V  e  r  t  h  e- 
Icss  got  suf- 
fi  0  i  e  n  t  1  y 
through  the 
morning  of 
life  not  to  let 
cub  -  hunting 
get  him  out 
of  l)ed  a  mo- 
ment sooner 
than  usual, 
and  it  was 
twelve  o'clock 
on  the  ncxi, 
day  but  one  to 
that  on  which 
the   foi'cgoing 

conv(M'sation  took  place,  thnt  ^Ir.  l^ogglcdikc  was  again  to  be  seen 
standing  erect  in  his  stirru))s.  yojking  nnd  conxing  liis  lionnds 
into  C'rashington  (iorsc.     There  was   Dicky,  cap-in-liiind.  in  the 


rlMirNTlNI). 


48  ASK    MAMMA. 

centre  ride,  cxhortiiio-  the  yonn,2:  hounds  to  dive  into  the  strons; 
sea  of  gorse.  "  Y-o-o-icka  !  wind  him  !  y-o-o-icJcs  !  pash  Jam  up !  " 
cheered  the  veteran,  now  turning-  his  horse  across  to  enforce  the 
request.  Tiiere  was  his  lordship  at  the  higli  corner  as  usual, 
ensconced  among  the  clump  of  weather-beaten  blackthorns — thorns 
that  had  neither  advanced  nor  receded  a  single  inch  since  he  first 
knew  them, — his  eagle  eye  fixed  on  the  narrow  fern  and  coarse 
grass-covered  dell  down  which  Reynard  generally  stole.  There 
was  Harry  Swan  at  one  corner  to  head  the  fox  back  from  the 
beans,  and  Tom  Speed  at  the  other  to  welcome  him  away  over  the 
corn-garnered  open.  And  now  the  whimper  of  old  sure-finding 
Harbinger,  backed  by  the  sharp  "  yap  "  of  the  terrier,  proclaims 
that  our  friend  is  at  home,  and  presently  a  perfect  hurricane  of 
melody  bursts  fi'ora  the  agitated  gorse, — every  hound  is  in  the 
paroxysm  of  excitement,  and  there  are  five-and-tweuty  couple 
of  them,  fifty  musicians  in  the  whole  ! 

"  TaUij-ho  I  there  he  goes  across  the  ride  !  ** 

'^Cuh!^'  cries  his  lordsliip. 

"  Guh  !  "  responded  Dicky. 

"  Crack  !  "  sounds  the  whip. 

Now  the  whole  infuriated  phalanx  dashed  across  the  ride  and 
dived  into  the  close  prickly  gorse  on  the  other  side  as  if  it  were  the 
softest,  pleasantest  quarters  in  the  world.  There  is  no  occasion 
to  coax,  and  exhort,  and  ride  cap-in-hand  to  them  now.  It's  all 
fury  and  commotion.  Each  hound  seems  to  consider  himself 
personally  aggrieved, — though  we  will  be  bound  to  say  the  fox 
and  he  never  met  in  their  lives, — and  to  be  bent  upon  having 
immediate  satisfaction.  And  immediate,  any  tyro  would  think  it 
must  necessarily  be,  seeing  such  preponderating  influence  brought 
to  bear  upon  so  small  an  animal.  Not  so,  however  :  pug  holds 
his  own  ;  and,  by  dint  of  creeping,  and  crawling,  and  stopping,  and 
listening,  and  lying  down,  and  running  his  foil,  he  brings  the 
lately  rushing,  clamorous  pack  to  a  more  plodding,  pains-taking, 
unravelling  sort  of  performance. 

Meanwhile  three  foxes  in  succession  slip  away,  one  at  Speed's 
corner,  two  at  Swan's  ;  and  though  Speed  screeched,  and  screamed, 
and  yelled,  as  if  he  were  getting  killed,  not  a  hound  came  to  see 
what  had  happened.     They  all  stuck  to  the  original  scent. 

"  Here  he  comes  again  !  "  now  cries  his  lordship  from  his 
thorn-formed  bower,  as  the  cool-mannered  fox  again  steals  across 
the  ride,  and  Dicky  again  uncovers,  and  goes  through  the  capping 
ceremony.  Over  come  the  pack,  bristling  and  lashing  for  blood — 
each  hound  looking  as  if  he  would  eat  the  fox  single-handed. 
Now  he's  up  to  the  high  corner  as  though  he  were  going  to  charge 
his  lordship  himself,  and  passing  over  fresh  ground  the  hounds  get 


ASK    MAMMA.  49 

the  benefit  of  a  scciifc,  and  woi'k  with  redoubled  energy,  making 
the  opener  gorse  bushes  crack  and  bend  with  their  pressure.  Png 
has  now  gained  the  rabbit-burrowed  bank  of  the  north  fence,  and 
has  about  made  up  his  mind  to  follow  the  example  of  his  comrades, 
and  try  his  luck  in  the  open,  when  a  cannonading  crack  of  Swan's 
whip  strikes  terror  into  his  heart,  and  causes  him  to  turn  tail,  and 
run  the  moss-grown  mound  of  the  hedge.  Here  he  unexpectedly 
meets  young  Prodigal  face  to  face,  who,  thinking  that  rabbit  may  be 
as  good  eating  as  fox,  has  got  up  a  little  hunt  of  his  own,  and  who 
is  considerably  put  out  of  countenance  by  the  rencontre  ;  but  pug, 
not  anticipating  any  such  delicacy  on  the  part  of  a  pursuer,  turns 
tail,  and  is  very  soon  in  the  rear  of  the  hounds,  hunting  them 
instead  of  their  hunting  him.  The  thing  then  becomes  more 
difficult,  businesslike,  and  sedate — the  sages  of  the  pack  taking 
upon  them  to  guide  the  energy  of  the  young.  So  what  with  the 
slow  music  of  the  hounds,  the  yap,  yap,  yapping  of  the  terriers, 
and  the  shaking  of  the  gorse,  an  invisible  underground  sort  of 
hunt  is  maintained — his  lordship  sittiog  among  his  blackthorn 
bushes  like  a  gendeman  in  his  opera-stall,  thinking  now  of  the 
hunt,  now  of  his  dinner,  now  of  what  a  good  tiling  it  was  to  be 
a  lord,  with  a  good  digestion  and  plenty  of  cash,  and  nobody 
to  comb  his  head. 

*♦**■*  * 

At  length  pug  finds  it  too  hot  to  hold  him.  The  rays  of  an 
autumnal  sun  have  long  been  striking  into  the  gorse,  while  a  warm 
westerly  wind  docs  little  to  ventilate  it  from  the  steam  of  the 
rummaging  inquisitive  pack.  Though  but  a  cub,  he  is  the  son 
of  an  old  stager,  who  took  Dicky  and  his  lords! lip  a  deal  of 
killing,  and  with  the  talent  of  his  sire,  he  thus  ruminates  on  his 
uncomfortable  condition. 

"  If,"  says  he,  "  I  stay  here,  I  shall  either  be  smothered  or  fall 
a  prey  to  these  noisy  unrelenting  monsters,  who  seem  to  have  the 
knack  of  finding  me  wherever  I  go.  I'd  better  cut  my  stick  as  I 
did  the  time  Ix^fore,  and  have  fresh  air  and  exercise  at  all  events, 
in  the  open  •  "  so  saying  he  made  a  dash  at  the  hedge  near  where 
Swan  was  stationed,  and  regardless  of  his  screams  and  the  cracks 
of  his  whip,  cut  througli  tlu'-  lu-nns  and  went  away,  with  a  sort  of 
defiant  whisk  of  his  brush. 

What  a  commotion  foUuwcd  his  departure  !  How  the  screeches 
of  the  men  mingled  witli  the  screams  of  the  hounds  and  the 
twangs  of  the  horn  !  In  an  instant  his  lordship  vacates  his  opcra- 
stalh  and  is  flying  over  the  ragged  boundary  fence  that  separates 
him  from  the  beans  ;  while  Mr,  Boggledike  capers  and  prances  at 
a  much  smaller  place,  looking  as  if  he  would  fain  turn  away  were 
it  not  for  the  observation  of  tiie  men.     Xow  Dicky  is  over  !    Swan 


50  ASK    MAMMA. 

aad  Speed  take  it  ia  their  stride,  just  as  the  last  hound  leaves  the 
gorse  and  strains  to  regain  his  distant  companions.  A  large  grass 
field,  followed  by  a  rough  bare  fallow,  takes  the  remaining  strength 
out  of  poor  pug  ;  and,  turning  short  to  the  left,  he  seeks  the 
friendless  shelter  of  a  patch  of  wretched  oats.  The  hounds  over- 
run the  scent,  but,  spreading  like  a  rocket,  they  quickly  recover 
it ;  and  in  an  instant,  fox,  hounds,  horses,  men,  are  among  the 
standing  corn, — one  ring  in  final  destruction  of  the  beggarly  crop, 
and  poor  pug  is  in  the  hands  of  his  pursuers.  Then  came  the 
grand  fuiale,  the  ivho  hoop  !  the  baying,  the  blowing,  the  beheading, 
&c.  Now  Harry  Swan,  whose  province  it  is  to  magnify  sport  and 
make  imaginary  runs  to  ground,  exercises  his  calling,  by  declaring 
it  was  ftve-and-thirty  minutes  (twenty  perhaps),  and  the  finest 
young  fox  he  ever  had  hold  of.  Now  his  lordship  and  Dicky  take 
out  their  tootlers  and  blow  a  shrill  reverberating  blast ;  while  Swan 
stands  straddling  and  yelling,  with  the  mangled  remains  high 
above  his  head,  ready  to  throw  it  into  the  sea  of  mouths  that  are 
baying  around  to  receive  it.  After  a  sufficiency  of  noise,  up  goes 
the  carcase  ;  the  wave  of  hounds  breaks  against  it  as  it  falls,  while 
a  half-ravenous,  half-indignant,  growling  worry  succeeds  the  late 
clamourous  outcry. 

"  Tear  'im  and  eat  'im  !  "  cries  Dicky. 

"  Tear  'im  and  eat  'im  ! "  shouts  his  lordship. 

*'  Tear  'im  and  eat  'im  !  "  shrieks  Speed, 

"  Hie  worry  !  loorry  !  worry !  "  shouts  Swan,  trying  to  tanta- 
lize the  young  hounds  with  a  haunch,  which,  however,  they  do  not 
seem  much  to  care  about. 

The  old  hounds,  too,  seem  as  if  they  had  lost  their  hunger  with 
their  anger  ;  and  Marniion  lets  Warrior  run  off  with  his  leg  with 
only  a  snap  and  an  indignant  rise  of  his  bristles. 

Altogether  the  froth  and  effervescence  of  the  thing  has  evapora- 
ted ;  so  his  lordship  and  Dicky  turning  their  horses'  heads,  the 
watchful  hounds  give  a  bay  of  obedient  delight  as  they  frolic 
under  their  noses  ;  and  Swan  luiving  reclaimed  his  horse  from 
Speed,  the  onward  procession  is  formed  to  give  Brambleton  Wood 
a  rattle  by  way  of  closing  the  performance  of  the  day. 

His  lordship  and  Dicky  ride  side  by  side,  extolling  the  merits 
of  the  pack  and  the  excellence  of  Crashington  Gorse.  Never  was 
so  good  a  cover.  Never  was  a  better  pack.  Mainchance's!  })Ooh! 
Not  to  be  mentioned  in  the  same  century.  So  they  proceed,  mag- 
nifying and  complimenting  themselves  in  the  handsomest  terms 
possible,  down  Daisyfield  lane,  across  Hill  House  pastures,  and  on 
by  Duston  Mills  to  Broomley,  which  is  close  to  Brambleton  Wood. 

]\Iost  of  our  Featherbedtbrdshire  friends  will  remember  that 
after  leaving  Duston  3Iills  the  roads  wind  along  the  impetuous 


"tllE,     WORRY  I     WORRY!' 


ASK    3TAMMA.  61 

Lune,  whose  thorn  and  broom-grown  banks  ofTt^r  dry,  if  not  very 
Becurc,  ai^cuunnodation  for  master  Reynard  ;  and  the  draw  being 
pretty,  and  the  echo  fine,  his  lordsliip  thought  they  might  as  well 
run  the  hounds  along  the  banks,  not  being  aware  that  Peter 
Hitter,  Squire  Porker's  keeper,  had  just  emerged  at  the  east  end 
as  they  came  up  at  the  west.  However,  that  was  neither  here  nor 
there,  Dicky  got  his  y-o-o-icks,  his  lordship  got  his  view,  Swan  and 
Speed  their  cracks  and  cantei's,  and  it  was  all  in  the  day's  work. 
No  fox,  of  course,  was  the  result.  "  Tiveet,  tweet,  tivcef,^'  went  the 
horns,  his  lordship  taking  a  blow  as  well  as  Dicky,  which  sounded 
up  the  valley  and  lost  itself  among  the  distant  hills.  The  hounds 
came  straggling  leisurely  out  of  cover,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  You 
know  there  never  is  a  fox  there,  so  why  bother  us  ? " 

All  hands  being  again  united,  the  cavalcade  rose  the  hill,  and 
were  presently  on  the  Ijongford  and  Aldenbury  turnpike.  Here 
the  Featherbedfordshire  reader's  local  knowledge  will  again  remind 
him  that  the  Chaddleworth  lane  crosses  the  turnpike  at  right 
angles,  and  just  as  old  Ringwood,  who,  as  usual,  was  trotting  con- 
sequentially in  advance  of  the  pack,  with  the  fox's  head  in  his 
mouth,  got  to  the  finger-post,  a  fair  equestrian  on  a  tall  blood  bay 
rode  leisurely  past  with  downcast  eyes  in  full  view  of  the  advanc- 
ing party.  Though  her  horse  wJiinnied  and  shied,  and  seemed 
inclined  to  be  sociable,  she  took  no  more  notice  of  the  cause  than 
if  it  had  been  a  cart,  merely  coaxing  and  patting  him  with  her 
delicate  primrose-coloured  kid  gloves.  So  she  got  him  past 
without  even  a  sidelong  look  from  herself. 

But  though  she  did  nob  look  my  lord  did,  and  was  much  struck 
with  the  air  and  elegance  of  everything — her  mild  classic  features 
— her  black-felfc,  Qucen's-patterned,  wide-awake,  trimmed  with 
lightish-green  velvet,  and  green  cock-feathcrcd  plume,  tipped  with 
straw-colour  to  match  the  ribbon  that  now  gently  fluttered  at  her 
fair  neck, — her  hair,  her  whip,  her  gloves,  her  lout  ensemble.  Her 
lightish-green  habit  was  the  quintessence  of  a  fit,  and  altogether 
there  was  a  high-bred  finish  about  her  that  looked  more  like  Hyde 
Park  than  what  one  usually  sees  in  the  country. 

"  Who  the  deuce  is  that,  Dicky  ?  "  asked  his  lordship,  as  she 
now  got  out  of  hearing. 

"That  be  /ter,  my  lord,"  whispered  Dicky,  sawing  away  at  his 
hat.     "That  be  //«•,"  repeated  he  with  a  knowing  leer. 

"  Her!  who  d'ye  mean  ?  "  asked  his  lordship,  who  had  forgotten 
all  Dicky's  preamble. 

"  Well, — iliss — ]\Iiss — What's  her  name — Dedancey,  Di^'dancey, 
— the  lady  I  told  you  about." 

And  the  Earl's  heart  smote  him,  for  he  felt  that  he  had  done 
injustice  to  Dicky,  and  myveover,  had  persevered  too  lor^^  in  hia 


52  ASK    MAMMA. 

admiration  of  large  ladies,  and  in  his  repudiation  of  horsemanship. 
He  thought  he  had  never  seen  such  a  graceful  seat,  or  suqh  a  piece 
of  symmetrical  elegance  before,  and  inwardly  resolved  to  make 
Dicky  a  most  surprising  present  at  Christmas,  for  he  went  on  the 
principle  of  giving  low  wages,  and  of  rewarding  zeal  and  discre- 
tion, such  as  Dicky's,  profusely.  And  though  he  went  and  di'cw 
Brambleton  ^Yood,  he  was  thinking  far  more  of  the  fair  maid,  her 
pensive,  downcast  look,  her  long  eyelashes,  her  light  silken  haii, 
her  graceful  figure,  and  exquisite  seat,  than  of  finding  a  fox  ;  and 
he  was  not  at  all  sorry  when  he  heard  Dicky's  horn  at  the  bridle- 
gate  at  the  Ashburne  end  blowing  the  hounds  out  of  cover.  They 
then  went  home,  and  his  lordship  was  very  grumpy  all  thiit 
evening  with  his  fat  fair-and-forty  friend,  Mrs.  Moffatt,  who  could 
not  get  his  tea  to  his  liking  at  all. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

A   PUP   AT   WALK. — IMPERIAL   JOHN. 

We  dare  say  most  of  our  readers  will  agree  with  us,  that  when 
a  couple  want  to  be  acquainted  there  is  seldom  much  difficulty 
about  the  matter,  even  though  there  be  no  friendly  go-between  to 
mutter  the  cabalistic  words  that  constitute  an  introduction  ;  and 
though  Miss  de  Glancey  did  ride  so  unconcernedly  past,  it  was  a 
sheer  piece  of  acting,  as  she  had  long  been  waiting  at  Carlton 
Clumps,  which  commands  a  view  over  the  surrounding  country, 
timing  herself  for  the  exact  spot  where  she  met  th.e  too  susceptible 
Earl  and  his  hounds. 

No  one  knew  better  how  to  angle  for  admiration  than  this 
renowned  young  lady, — when  to  do  the  bold — when  the  bashful 
— when  the  timid — when  the  scornful  and  retiring,  and  she  rightly 
calculated  that  the  way  to  attract  and  win  the  young  old  Earl  was 
to  look  as  if  she  didn't  want  to  have  anything  to  say  to  him. 
Her  downcast  look,  and  utter  indifference  to  that  fertile  source  of 
introduction,  a  pack  of  hounds,  had  sunk  deeper  into  his  tender 
heart  than  if  she  had  pulled  up  to  admire  them  collectively,  and 
to  kiss  them  individually.  We  all  know  how  useful  a  dog  can  be 
made  in  matters  of  this  sort — how  the  fair  creatures  can  express 
their  feelings  by  their  fondness.  And  if  one  dog  can  be  so  con- 
venient, by  how  much  more  so  can  a  whole  pack  of  hounds  be 
made  ! 

Next  day  his  lordship,  who  was  of  the  nice  old  Anglesey  school 


ASK     MAMMA.  53 

of  dressers,  was  to  be  seen  in  regular  St.  James's  Street  attire,  viz. 
a  bright  blue  coat  with  gilt  buttons,  a  light  blue  scarf,  a  buff  vest 
with  fawn-coloured  leathers,  and  brass  heel  spurs,  capering  on  a 
long-tailed  silver  dun,  attended  by  a  diminutive  rosy-cheeked  boy 
— known  in  the  stables  as  Cupid-without-Wings — on  a  bay. 

He  was  going  to  see  a  pup  he  had  at  walk  at  Freestone  Banks, 
of  which  the  reader  will  remember  Dicky  had  spoken  approvingly 
on  a  previous  day  ;  and  the  morning  being  fine  and  sunny,  his 
lordship  took  the  bridle-road  over  Ashley  Downs,  and  along  the 
range  of  undulating  Heathraoor  Hills,  as  well  for  the  purp  ise  of 
enjoying  the  breeze  as  of  seeing  what  was  passing  in  the  vale 
below.  So  he  tit-up'd  and  tit-up'd  away,  over  the  sound  green 
sward,  on  his  flowing-tailed  steed,  his  keen  far-seeing  eye  raking 
all  the  roads  as  he  went.  Theie  seemed  to  be  nothing  stirring  but 
heavy  crushing  waggons,  with  doctor's  gigs  and  country  carts, 
and  here  and  there  a  slow-moving  steed  of  the  grand  order  of 
agriculture. 

When,  however,  he  got  to  the  bi'oken  stony  ground  where  all 
the  independent  hill  tracks  join  in  common  union  to  effect  the 
descent  into  the  vale,  his  hack  pricked  his  cars,  and  looking  a-head 
to  the  turn  of  the  lane  into  which  the  tracks  ultimately  resolved 
themselves,  his-  lordship  first  saw  a  fluttering,  light-tipped  feather, 
and  then  the  whole  figure  of  a  horsewoman,  emerge  from  the  con- 
cealing hedge  as  it  were  on  to  the  open  space  beyond.  Miss,  too, 
had  been  on  the  hills,  as  the  Earl  might  have  seen  l)y  her  horse's 
imprints,  if  he  had  not  been  too  busy  looking  abroad  ;  and  she 
had  just  had  time  to  effect  the  descent  as  he  approached.  She 
was  now  sauntering  along  as  unconcernedly  as  if  there  was  nought 
but  herself  and  her  horse  in  the  world.  II is  lordship  started 
when  he  saw  her,  and  a  crimson  flush  sufl'nscd  his  lieaUhy  cheeks 
as  he  drew  his  reins,  and  felt  his  hack  gently  with  his  spur  to 
induce  him  to  use  a  little  more  expedition  down  the  hill.  Cupid- 
without-Wings  put  on  also,  to  open  the  rickety  gate  at  the  bottom, 
and  his  lordship  telling  him,  as  he  passed  through,  to  "shut  it 
gently,"  pressed  on  at  a  well-in-hand  trot,  whicli  he  could  ease 
down  to  a  walk  as  he  came  near  the  object  of  his  jHirsuit.  Miss's 
horse  heard  footsteps  coming  and  looked  round,  but  she  pursued 
the  even  tenour  of  her  way  apparently  indifferent  to  everything — 
even  to  a  garotting.  His  lordship,  however,  was  not  to  be 
daunted  by  any  such  coolness  ;  so  stealing  quietly  alongside  of  her, 
he  raised  his  hat  respectfully,  and  asked,  in  his  mildest,  blandest 
tone,  if  she  had  "seen  a  man  with  a  hound  in  a  string  ?" 

^* Hound!  me!  see!'*  exclaimed  IMiss  de  Glanccy,  with  a  well 
feigned  start  of  astonishment.  "  Ko,  sir.  T  have  not,"  continued 
she  haughtily,  as  if  recovering  herself,  and  offended  by  the  inquiry. 


54  ASK     MAMMA. 

"  I'm  afraid  my  hounds  startled  your  horse  the  other  day,*' 
observed  his  lordship,  half  inclined  to  think  she  didn't  know  him. 

"  Oh,  no,  they  didn't,"  replied  she  with  an  upward  curl  of  her 
pretty  lip  ;  "  my  horse  is  not  so  easily  startled  as  that ;  are  you, 
Cock  Robin  ?  "  asked  she,  leaning  forward  to  pat  him. 

Cock  Robin  replied  by  laying  back  his  ears,  and  taking  a  snatch 
at  his  lordship's  hack's  silver  mane,  which  afforded  him  an  oppor- 
tunity of  observing  that  Cock  Robin  was  not  very  sociable. 

"  Not  ivith  strangers,^''  pouted  Miss  de  Glancey,  with  a  flash  of 
her  bright  hazel  eyes.  So  saying,  she  touched  her  horse  lightly 
with  her  gold-mounted  whip,  and  in  an  instant  she  was  careering 
away,  lea'ving  his  lordship  to  the  care  of  the  now  grinning  Cupid- 
witbout-Wings. 

And  thus  the  mynx  held  the  sprightly  youth  in  tow,  till  she 
nearly  drove  him  mad,  not  missing  any  opportunity  of  meeting 
him,  but  never  giving  him  too  much  of  her  company,  and  always 
pouting  at  the  suggestion  of  her  marrying  a  "  mere  fox-hunter y 
The  whole  thing,  of  course,  furnished  conversation  for  the  gossips, 
and  Mr.  Boggledike,  as  in  duty  bound,  reported  what  he  heard. 
She  puzzled  his  lordship  more  than  any  lady  he  had  ever  had  to 
do  with,  and  though  he  often  resolved  to  strike  and  be  free,  he 
had  only  to  meet  her  again  to  go  home  more  subjugated  than  ever. 
And  so  what  between  Miss  de  Glancey  out  of  doors  and  Mrs. 
Mofl'att  in,  he  began  to  have  a  very  unpleasant  time  of  it.  llis 
hat  had  so  long  covered  his  family,  that  he  hardly  knew  how  to 
set  about  obtaining  his  own  consent  to  marry  ;  and  yet  he  felt 
that  he  onglit  to  marry  if  it  was  only  to  spite  his  odious  heir — old 
General  Rinks  ;  for  his  lordship  called  him  old  though  the 
General  was  ten  years  younger  than  himself ;  but  still  he  would 
like  to  look  about  him  a  little  longer.  AVhat  he  would  now  wish 
to  do  would  be  to  keep  ]\Iiss  de  Glancey  in  the  country,  for  he  felt 
interested  in  her,  and  thought  she  would  be  oi'uamental  to  the 
pack.  ^Moreover,  he  liked  all  that  was  handsome,  piquant,  and 
gay,  and  to  be  joked  about  the  Featherbedfordshire  witches  when 
he  went  to  town.  So  he  resolved  himself  into  a  committee  of 
ways  and  means,  to  consider  how  the  object  was  to  be  effected, 
without  surrendering  himself.  That  must  be  the  last  resource  at 
all  events,  thought  he. 

Now  upon  his  lordshi])'s  ^■ast  estates  was  a  most  unmitigated 
block-head  called  Im])erial  John,  from  his  growing  one  of  those 
chin  ajipondages.  His  real  name  was  Hybrid — John  Hybrid,  of 
Barley  Hill  Farm  ;  but  his  hiindsome  sister,  "  Imperial  Jane,"  as 
the  wags  called  her,  having  attracted  his  lordship's  attention,  to 
the  danger  as  it  was  thought  of  old  Binks,  on  leaving  her  fnr- 
uisliiug  seuiiuary  at  Turnhaui  (ireen,  John  liad  been   taken   by 


MISS     DH     QLANCHY     AND     HIS     LORDSHIP 


ASK    MAMMA.  55 

the  hand,  which  caused  hhn  to  lose  his  head,  and  make  him  set 
up  for  what  he  called  "  a  gent.*'  He  built  a  lodge  and  a  portico 
to  Barley  Hill  Faim,  rough  cast,  and  put  a  bine  roof  on  to  the 
house,  and  then  advertised  in  the  "  Featherbedfordshire  Gazette," 
that  letters  and  papers  were  for  the  future  to  be  addressed  to 
John  Hybrid,  Esquire,  Barley  Hill  Hall,  and  not  Farm  as  they 
had  hitherto  been.  And  having  done  so  much  for  the  place,  John 
next  revised  his  own  person,  which,  though  not  unsightly,  was 
coarse,  and  a  long  way  off  looking  anything  like  that  of  a  gentle- 
man. He  first  started  the  imperial  aforesaid,  and  not  being 
laughed  at  as  much  as  he  expected  for  that,  he  was  emboldened  to 
order  a  red  coat  for  the  then  approaching  season.  Mounting  the 
pink  is  a  critical  thing,  for  if  a  man  does  not  land  in  the  front  rank 
they  will  not  admit  him  again  into  the  rear,  and  he  remains  a  sort 
of  red  bat  for  the  rest  of  his  life, — neither  a  gentleman  nor  a  farmer. 

John,  however,  feeling  that  he  had  his  lordship's  countenance, 
went  boldly  at  it,  and  the  first  day  of  the  season  before  that  with 
which  we  are  dealing,  found  him  with  his  stomach  buttoned 
consequentially  up  in  a  spic  and  span  scarlet  with  fancy  buttons, 
looking  as  bumptious  as  a  man  with  a  large  balance  at  his 
banker's.  He  sat  bolt  upright,  holding  his  whip  like  a  field- 
marshal's  baton,  on  his  ill-groomed  horse,  with  a  tight-bearing 
rein  chucking  the  Imperial  chin  well  in  the  air,  and  a  sort  of 
half -defiant  "  you'd  better  not  laugh  at  me  "  look.  And  John 
was  always  proud  to  break  a  fence,  or  turn  a  hound,  or  hold  a 
horse,  or  do  anything  his  lordship  bid  him,  and  became  a  sort  of 
hunting  aide-de-camp  to  the  great  man.  Ho  was  a  boasting, 
bragging  fool,  always  talking  about  m-o-y  hall,  and  m-o-y  lodge, 
and  m-o-y  plate  in  m-o-y  drawing-room,  for  he  had  not  discovered 
that  plate  was  the  appendage  of  a  dining-room,  and  altogether 
he  was  very  magnificent. 

Imperial  Jane  kept  old  Binks  on  the  fret  for  some  time,  until 
another  of  his  lordship's  tenants,  young  Fred  Poppyfield,  becoming 
enamoured  of  her  charms,  and  perlia])S  wishing  to  ride  in  scarlet 
too,  sought  her  iair  hand,  whereupon  his  lordship,  acting  with  his 
usual  munificence,  set  them  up  on  a  farm  at  so  low  a  rent  that  it 
acquired  the  name  of  Gift  Hall  Farm.  This  arrangement  set 
Barley  Hall  free  so  far  as  the  petticoats  were  concerned,  and  his 
lordship  little  knowing  how  well  she  was  "  up  "  in  the  country, 
thought  this  great  gouk  of  a  farmer,  with  his  plate  in  his  drawing- 
room,  might  con)e  over  the  accomplished  j\Iiss  de  Glancey, — 
the  lady  who  sneered  at  himself  jis  "  a  mere  fox-hunter."  And  the 
wicked  monkey  favoured  the  delusion,  which  she  saw  through  the 
moment  his  lordship  brought  the  pompous  egotist  up  at  Newingtor 
Gorse,  and  begged  to   be   allowed  to   introduce  his  friend,  Mr 


66  ASK     MAMMA, 

Hybrid,  and  Bhe  inwardly  resolved  to  give  Mr.  Hybrid  a  benefit. 
Forsaking  his  lordship  therefore  entirely,  she  put  forth  her  most 
seductive  allurements  at  Imperial  John,  talked  most  amazingly  to 
him,  rode  over  whatever  he  recommended,  and  seemed  quite 
smitten  with  him. 

And  John,  who  used  to  boast  that  somehow  the  "  gals  couldn't 
withstand  him,"  was  so  satisfied  with  his  success,  that  he  presently 
blundered  out  an  offer,  when  Miss  de  Glancey,  having  led  him  out 
to  the  extreme  length  of  his  tether,  gave  such  a  start  and  shudder 
of  astonishment  as  Fanny  Kemble,  or  Mrs.  Siddons  herself,  might 
have  envied. 

"  0,  Mr.  Hybrid  !  0,  Mr.  Hybrid  !  "  gasped  she,  opening  wide 
her  intelligent  eyes,  as  if  she  had  but  just  discovered  his  meaning. 
"  0,  Mr.  Hybrid  !  "  exclaimed  she  for  the  third  time,  "  you — you — 
you,'"  and  turning  aside  as  if  to  conceal  her  emotion,  she  buried 
her  face  in  her  laced-fringed,  richly-cyphered  kerchief. 

John,  who  was  rather  put  out  by  some  women  who  were  watching 
liim  from  the  adjoining  turnip-field,  construing  all  this  into  the 
usual  misfortune  of  the  ladies  not  being  able  to  withstand  him, 
returned  to  the  charge  as  soon  as  he  got  out  of  their  hearing, 
when  he  was  suddenly  brought  up  by  such  a  withering  "  Si-r-r-r  I 
do  you  mean  to  insult  me  ?  "  coupled  with  a  look  that  nearly  started 
the  basket-buttons  of  his  green  cut-away,  and  convinced  him  that 
Miss  de  Glancey,  at  all  events,  could  withstand  him.  So  his 
Majesty  slunk  off,  consoling  himself  with  the  reflection,  that 
riding-habits  covered  a  multitude  of  sins,  and  that  if  he  was  not 
much  mistaken,  she  would  want  a  deal  of  oil-cake,  or  cod  liver  oil, 
r  snmmut  o'  that  sort,  afore  she  was  fit  to  show. 

And  the  next  time  Miss  met  my  lord  (which,  of  course,  she  did 
■  V  accident),  she  pouted  and  frowned  at  the  "  mere  fox-hunter," 
.11(1  intimated  her  intention  of  leaving  the  country — going  home 
'o  her  mamma,  in  fact. 

It  was  just  at  this  juncture  that  Mrs.  Pringle's  letter  arrived, 
and  his  lordship's  mind  being  distracted  between  love  on  his  own 
account,  dread  of  matrimony,  and  dislike  of  old  Binks,  he  caught 
at  what  he  would  in  general  have  stormed  at,  and  wrote  to  say 
that  he  should  begin  banting  the  first  Monday  in  November,  and 
if  Mrs.  Pringle's  son  would  come  down  a  day  or  two  before,  he 
would  "  put  him  up  "  (which  meant  mount  him),  and  "  do  for 
^im  "  (which  meant  board  and  lodge  him),  all,  in  fact,  that  Mrs. 
Pringle  could  desire.  And  his  lordship  inwardly  hoped  that  Mr. 
Pringle  might  be  more  to  Miss  de  Glancey's  liking  than  his 
Imperial  Highness  had  proved.  At  all  events,  he  felt  it  was  but 
a  simple  act  of  justice  to  himself  to  try.  Let  us  now  return  tq 
Curtain  Crescent. 


ASK     MAMMA. 


517 


CHAPTER    X. 

JEAN   ROUGIER,    Oil    JACK    RCGERS. 


I'.l  I  l.'i      1  Kl  Ni.l, 


AVk  need  iml  saylliat  ^Ti's.  I'riim-Icwiis  (ivcv  joyed  at  the  receipt 
ol' the  Ivirl's  letter.  It  was  so  kind  and  ,l:-«K)iI,  and  sn  like  liini. 
He  always  said  lie  would  do  liei'  a  n'ood  rnrii  il'  lie  could  :  l>ut  there 
are  so  many  liuc-woathor  Irieiids  in  this  world  that  tlierc  is  no 


58  ASK    MAMMA. 

beino^  certain  of  any  one.  Happy  are  they  who  never  have 
occasion  to  test  the  sincerity  of  their  friends,  say  we. 

Mrs.  Pringle  was  now  all  bustle  and  excitement,  preparing  Billy 
for  the  great  event. 

His  wardrobe,  always  grand,  underwent  revision  in  the  under- 
garment line.  She  got  him  some  magnificently  embroidered  dress 
shirts,  so  fine  that  the  fronts  almost  looked  as  if  you  might  blow 
them  out,  and  regardful  of  the  rdle  he  was  now  about  to  play,  she 
added  several  dozen  with  horses,  dogs,  birds,  and  foxes  upon  them, 
"  suitable  for  fishing,  shooting,  boating,  &c.,"  as  the  advertisements 
said.  His  cambric  kerchiefs  were  of  the  finest  quality,  while  his 
stockings  and  other  things  were  in  great  abundance,  the  whole 
surmounted  by  a  splendid  dressing-case,  the  like  of  which  had 
ne'er  been  seen  since  the  days  of  Pea-Green  Haine.  Altogether 
he  was  capitally  provided,  and  quite  in  accordance  with  a  lady's- 
maid's  ideas  of  gentility. 

Billy,  on  his  part,  was  active  and  energetic  too,  for  though  he 
had  his  doubts  about  being  able  to  sit  at  the  jumps,  he  had  no 
objection  to  wear  a  red  coat ;  and  mysterious-looking  boys,  with 
blue  bags,  were  constantly  to  be  found  seated  on  the  mahogany 
bench,  in  the  Curtain  Crescent  passage,  waiting  to  tiy  on  his  top 
boots;  while  the  cheval  glass  up-stairs  was  constantly  reflecting  his 
figure  in  scarlet,  a  la  Old  Briggs.  The  concomitants  of  the  chase, 
leathers,  cords,  whips,  spurs,  came  pouring  in  apace.  The  next 
thing  was  to  get  somebody  to  take  care  of  them. 

It  is  observable  that  the  heads  of  the  various  branches  of  an 
establishment  are  all  in  flivour  of"  master  "  spending  all  his  money 
on  their  particular  department.  Thus,  the  coachman  would  have 
him  run  entirely  to  carriages,  the  groom  to  horses,  the  cook  to  the 
cuisine,  the  butler  to  wines,  the  gardener  to  grapes,  &c.,  and  so  on. 

Mrs.  Pringle,  we  need  hardly  say,  favoured  lady's-maids  and 
valets.  It  has  iDeen  well  said,  that  if  a  man  wants  to  get  acquainted 
with  a  gentleman's  private  affairs,  he  should  either  go  to  the 
lawyer  or  else  to  the  valet  that's  courting  the  lady's-maid  ;  and 
Mrs.  Pringle  was  quite  of  that  opinion.  Moreover,  she  held  that 
no  man  with  an  efficient,  properly  trained  valet,  need  ever  be 
catspawed  or  jilted,  because  the  lady's-maid  would  feel  it  a  point 
of  honour  to  let  the  valet  know  how  the  land  lay,  a  compliment 
he  would  return  under  similar  circumstances.  To  provide  Billy 
with  this,  as  she  considered,  most  essential  appendage  to  a  gentle- 
man, was  her  next  consideration  —  a  valet  that  should  know 
enough  and  not  too  much — enough  to  enable  him  to  blow  his 
master's  trumpet  properly,  and  not  too  much,  lest  he  should  turn 
restive  and  play  the  wrong  tune. 

At  length  she  fixed  upon  the  Anglo-Frenchman,  whose  name 


A8K     MAMMA.  69 

stands  at  the  head  of  this  chapter — Jean  Rougier,  or  Jack  Rogers. 
Jack  was  the  son  of  old  Jack  Rogers,  so  well  known  as  the  enactor 
of  the  Orunken  Huzzar,  and  similar  characters  of  Xutkins"s 
Circus  ;  and  Jack  was  entered  to  his  father's  profession,  but 
disagreeing  with  the  clown,  Tom  Oliver,  who  used  to  give  him 
sundry  most  unqualified  cuts  and  cuflFs  in  the  Circus,  Jack,  who 
was  a  tremendously  strong  fellow,  gave  Oliver  such  a  desperate 
beating  one  night  as  caused  his  life  to  be  despaired  off.  This 
took  place  at  Nottingham,  from  whence  Jack  fled  for  fear  of  the 
consequences  ;  and  after  sundry  vicissitudes  he  was  next  dis- 
covered as  a  post-boy,  at  Sittingbourue,  an  ofhce  that  he  was  well 
adapted  for,  being  short  and  stout  and  extremely  powerful.  No 
brute  was  ever  too  bad  for  Jack's  riding  :  he  would  tame  them 
before  the  day  was  over.  Somehow  he  got  bumped  down  to 
Dover,  when  taking  a  fancy  to  go  "  foreign,"  he  sold  his  master's 
horses  for  what  they  would  fetch  ;  and  this  being  just  about  the 
time  that  the  late  'Mr.  Probert  expiated  a  similar  mistake  at  the 
Old  Bailey,  Jack  hearing  of  it,  thought  it  was  better  to  stay  where 
he  was  than  give  Mr.  Calcraft  any  trouble.  He  therefore 
accepted  the  situation  of  boots  to  the  Albion  Hotel,  Boulogne-sur- 
mer ;  but  finding  that  he  did  not  get  on  half  so  well  as  he  would 
if  he  were  a  Frenchman,  he  took  to  acquiring  the  language,  which, 
with  getting  his  cars  bored,  letting  his  hair  and  whiskers  grow. 
and  adopting  the  French  costume  in  all  its  integrity,  coupled 
with  a  liberal  attack  of  the  small-pox,  soon  told  a  tale  in  favour 
of  his  fees.  After  a  long  absence,  he  at  length  returned  at  the 
Bill  Smith  Revolution ;  and  vacillating  for  some  time  between  a 
courier  and  a  valet,  finally  settled  down  to  what  we  now  find  him. 

We  know  not  how  it  is,  if  valets  are  so  essentially  necessary, 
that  there  should  always  be  so  many  out  of  place,  but  certain  it  is 
that  an  advertisment  in  a  morning  paper  will  always  bring  a  fuU 
crop  to  a  door. 

Perhaps,  being  the  laziest  of  all  lazy  lives,  any  one  can  turn 
his  hand  to  valeting,  who  to  dig  is  unable,  and  yet  to  want  is 
unwilling. 

Mrs.  Pringle  knew  better  than  hold  a  levee  in  Curtain  Crescent, 
letting  all  the  applicant-;  pninp  I'roperj^ihn  or  such  of  the  maids  as 
they  could  get  hold  of  ;  and  having  advertised  for  written  applica- 
tions, stating  full  particulars  of  previous  service,  and  credentials, 
to  be  addressed  to  E.  P.  at  Chisel  the  baker's,  in  Yeast  SLrect, 
she  selected  some  half-dozen  of  the  most  promising  ones,  and 
appointed  the  parties  to  meet  her,  at  dillerent  hours  of  course,  at 
he  first-class  waiting-room  of  the  (!reat  Western  Station, 
intimating  that  they  would  know  her  by  a  bunch  of  red 
geraniums   she   would   hold   in     her    baud.      And    the    second 


W  ASK    MAMMA. 

applicant,  Jean  Rougier,  looked  so  like  her  money,  having  a 
sufficient  knowledge  of  the  English  language  to  be  able  to 
understand  all  that  was  said,  and  yet  at  the  same  time  sufficiently 
ignorant  of  it  to  invite  confidential  communications  to  be  made 
before  him  ;  that  after  glancing  over  the  testimonials  bound  up 
in  his  little  parchment-backed  passport  book,  she  got  the  name 
and  address  of  his  then  master,  and  sought  an  interview  to  obtain 
Monsieur's  character.  This  gentleman,  Sir  Harry  Bolter,  happen- 
ing to  owe  Jack  three-quarters  of  a  year's  wages,  which  he  was 
not  likely  to  pay,  spoke  of  him  in  the  highest  possible  terms, 
glossing  over  his  little  partiality  for  drink  by  saying  that,  like  all 
Frenchmen,  he  was  of  a  convivial  turn  ;  and  in  consequence  of  Sir 
Harry's  and  Jack's  own  recommendations,  Mrs.  Pringle  took  him. 

The  reader  will  therefore  now  have  the  kindness  to  consider 
our  hero  and  his  valet  under  way,  with  a  perfect  pyramid  of 
luggage,  and  Monsieur  arrayed  in  the  foraging  cap,  the  little 
coatee,  the  petticoat  trowsers,  and  odds  and  ends  money-bag  of 
his  long  adopted  country,  slung  across  his  ample  chest. 

Their  arrival  and  reception  at  Tantivy  Castle  will  perhaps  be 
best  described  in  the  following  letter  from  Billy  to  his  mother  : — 

Taktivy  Castle. 
My  dearest  Mamma, 

/  ivrUe  a  line  to  saij  that  I  arrived  here  quite  safe  hy  the  5*30 
train,  and  found  the  Earl  as  polite  as  possible.  I  should  tell  tjou 
that  I  made  a  mistake  at  startimi^for  it  being  dark  when  I  arrived, 
and  getting  confused  with  a  vihole  regiment  of  footmen,  I  mistook 
a  fine  gentleman  icho  came  forivard  to  meet  me  for  the  Earl,  ayid 
made  him  a  most  respectful  bou',  icliich  the  ass  ret\irncd,  and  began 
to  talk  about  the  iveather ;  and  when  tlie  real  Earl  came  i?i  I  took 
him  for  a  guest,  and  was  going  to  weather  him.  I/ourver  he  soon 
put  all  matters  right,  and  introduced  me  to  Mrs.  Moffatt,  a  very 
fine  ladg,  who  seems  to  rule  the  roast  here  in  grand  style.  They 
say  she  never  ivears  lite  same  dress  twice. 

There  are  always  at  least  half-a-dozen  poivdered  footmen,  in 
cerulean  blue  lined  with  rose-coloured  silk,  and  pink  silk  stockings, 
the  whole  profusely  illustrated  tvith  gold  lace,  gold  aigulets,  and  1 
donH  knotv  what,  lounging  about  in  the  halls  and  passages,  tvaiting 
for  compajiy  ivhich  Rougier  says  never  comes.  This  ivorthy  seems 
to  have  mastered  the  ins  cmd  outs  of  the  place  already,  and  says, 
"  my  lor  has  an  Englishman  to  cook  his  beefsteak  for  breakfast, 
a  Frenchman  to  cook  his  dinner,  and  an  Italian  confectioner ; 
every  thing  that  a  ^my  lord'  ought  to  have.''''  It  is  a  splendid  place, 
— as  you  will  see  by  the  above  picture*  more  like  Windsor  than 

*  Our  friend  was  writing  on  Castle-paper,  of  course. 


ASK    MAMMA. 


61 


any  thing  I  ever  saiv,  a?id  there  seems  to  he  no  expense  spared  thai 
could  by  any  possibiUti/  be  incurred.  Tve  got  a  beautiful  bedroom 
with  warm  and  cold  baths  and  a  conservatory  attached. 

To-morrow  is  the  first  day  of  the  season,  and  all  the  ivorld  and 
his  wife  will  be  there  to  a  grand  dejeuner  a  la  Fourchette.  The 
hounds  meet  before  the  Castle.  His  lordship  says  he  will  put  me  on 
a  safe,  steady  hunter,  and  I  hope  he  will,  for  I  am  not  quite  sure 
that  I  can  sit  at  the  jumps.  However  Vll  let  you  know  how  I  come 
on.  Meanwhile  as  the  gong  is  sounding  for  dressing,  believe  me, 
my  dearest  mamma, 

Ever  your  truly  affectionate  son, 
Mrs.  Pringli;.  AVm.  Pringle. 

Curtain  Crcdceiit,  Belgravc  S(juare,  London. 


top 
his 


CHAPTER    XI. 

THE   OPENING   DAY. — TlIE   HUNT  BREAKFAST. 

REVERSING 

the  usual  order 
of  things,  each 
first  Mon- 
day in  Novem- 
ber saw  the 
■  sporting  in- 
mates of  Tan- 
tivy Castle 
emerge  from 
the  chrysalis 
into  the  bur- 
terfly  state  of 
existence.  His 
1  (» r  d  s  li  i  p '  s 
green  -  duck 
hunter  and 
drab  caps  dis- 
appeared, and 
were  succeeded 
by  a  spic-and- 
span  new  scar- 
let, and  white 

;  i\Ir.  Roggledike's  last  year's  pink  was  replaced  by  a  new  one, 
liat  was  succeeded  by  a   cap  ;   and  the  same  luck  attended 


THE   SPAKKI.INO    FLUID. 


62  ASK    MAMMA. 

the  garments  of  botli  Swan  and  Speed.  The  stud-groom,  the 
pad-groom,  the  seuding-on  groom,  all  the  grooms  down  to  our 
little  friend,  Cupid- without-Wings,  underwent  renovation  in  their 
outward  men.  The  whole  place  smelt  of  leather  and  new  cloth- 
The  Castle  itself  on  this  occasion  seemed  to  participate  in  the 
general  festivity,  for  a  bright  sun  emblazoned  the  quarterings  of 
the  gaily  flaunting  flag,  lit  up  the  glittering  vanes  of  the  lower 
towel's,  and  burnished  the  modest  ivy  of  the  basements.  Every 
thing  was  bright  and  sunny,  and  though  Dicky  Boggledike  did 
not  "  zactly  like  "  the  red  sunrise,  he  "  oped  the  rine  might  keep 
off  until  they  were  done,  'specially  as  it  was  a  show  day."  Very 
showy  indeed  it  was,  for  all  the  gentlemen  out  of  livery, — those 
strange  puzzlers — were  in  full  ball  costume ;  while  the  standard 
footmen  strutted  like  peacocks  in  their  rich  blue  liveries  with 
rose-coloured  linings,  and  enormous  bouquets  under  their  noses, 
feeling  that  for  once  they  were  going  to  have  something 
to  do. 

The  noble  Earl,  having  got  himself  up  most  elaborately  in  his 
new  hunting  garments,  and  effected  a  satisfactory  tie  of  a  heart's- 
ease  embroidered  blue  satin  cravat,  took  his  usual  stand  before  the 
now  blazing  wood  and  coal  fire  in  the  enormous  grate  in  the 
centre  of  his  magnificent  baronial  hall,  ready  to  receive  his 
visitors  and  pass  them  on  to  Mrs.  Moffat  in  the  banqueting  room. 
This  fair  lady  was  just  as  fine  as  hands  could  make  her,  and  the 
fit  of  her  rich  pale  satin  dress,  trimmed  with  swan's-down,  reflected 
equal  credit  on  her  milliner  and  her  maid.  Looking  at  her  as  she 
now  sat  at  the  head  of  the  sumptuously-furnished  breakfast  table, 
her  plainly  dressed  hair  surmounted  by  a  diminutive  point-lace 
cap,  and  her  gazelle  -  like  eye  lighting  up  an  intelligent 
countenance,  it  were  hardly  possible  to  imagine  that  she  had  ever 
been  handsomer,  or  that  beneath  that  quiet  aspect  there  lurked 
what  is  politely  called  a  "high  spirit,"  that  is  to  say,  a  little  bit 
of  temper. 

That  however  is  more  the  Earl's  look-out  than  ours,  so  we  will 
return  to  his  lordship  at  the  entrance  hall  fire. 

Of  course  this  sort  of  gathering  was  of  rather  an  anomalous 
character, — some  coming  because  they  wanted  something,  some 
because  they  "  dirsn't "  stay  away,  some  because  they  did  not  know 
Mrs.  ]\Ioffat  would  be  there,  some  because  they  did  not  care  whether 
she  was  or  not.  It  was  a  show  day,  and  they  came  to  see  the 
beautiful  Castle,  not  Mrs.  Anybody. 

The  first  to  ari'ive  were  the  gentlemen  of  the  second  class,  the 
agents  and  dependents  of  the  estate, — i\rr.  Cypher,  the  auditor, 
he  who  never  audited  ;  Mr.  Easylease,  the  land  agent  ;  his  son, 
Mr.  John  Easylease,  the  sucking  land  agent  ;   Mr.  Staple,  the 


ASK    MAMMA,  63 

mining  agent  ;  Mr.  James  Staple,  the  sucking  mining  agent ;  Mr. 
Section,  the  architect ;  Mr.  Pillerton,  the  doctor  ;  Mr.  Brick,  the 
builder ;  &c.,  who  were  all  very  polite  ard  obsequious,  "  your 
lordship  "  and  my  "  my  lording"  the  Earl  at  every  opportunity. 
These,  ranging  themselves  on  either  side  of  the  fire,  now  formed 
the  nucleus  of  the  court,  with  the  Earl  in  the  centre. 

Presently  the  rumbling  of  wheels  and  the  grinding  of  gravel  was 
succeeded  by  the  muffled-drum  sort  of  sound  of  the  wood  pavement 
of  the  grand  covered  portico,  and  the  powdered  footmen  threw 
back  the  folding-doors  as  if  they  expected  Daniel  Lambert  or  the 
Durham  Ox  to  enter.  It  was  our  old  friend  Imperial  John,  who 
having  handed  his  pipeclayed  reins  to  his  ploughman-groom, 
descended  from  his  buggy  with  a  clumsy  half  buck,  half  hawbuck 
sort  of  air,  and  entered  the  spacious  portals  of  the  Castle  hall. 
Having  divested  himself  of  his  paletot  in  which  he  had  been  doing 
"  the  pride  that  apes  humility,"  he  shook  out  his  red  feathers, 
pulled  up  his  sea-green-silk-tied  gills,  finger-combed  his  stiff  black 
hair,  and  stood  forth  a  sort  of  rough  impersonation  of  the  last 
year's  Earl.  His  coat  was  the  same  cut,  his  hat  was  the  same 
shape,  his  boots  and  breeches  were  the  same  colour,  and  altogether 
there  was  the  same  sort  of  resemblance  between  John  and  the 
Earl  that  there  is  between  a  cart-horse  and  a  race-horse. 

Having  deposited  his  whip  and  paletot  on  the  tabic  on  the  door- 
side  of  a  tall,  wide-spreading  carved  oak  screen,  which  at  once 
concealed  the  enterers  from  the  court,  and  kept  the  wind  fi"om  that 
august  assembly,  John  was  now  ready  for  the  very  obsequious 
gentleman  who  had  been  standing  watching  his  performances 
without  considering  it  necessary  to  give  him  any  assistance. 
This  bland  gentleman,  in  his  own  blue  coat  with  a  white  vest, 
having  made  a  retrograde  movement  which  cleared  himself 
of  the  screen,  John  was  presently  crossing  the  hall,  bowing  and 
stepping  and  bowing  and  stepping  as  if  he  was  measuring  off  a 
drain. 

His  lordship,  who  felt  grateful  for  John's  recent  services, 
and  perhaps  thoui^ht  he  might  require  them  again,  advanced  to  meet 
him  and  gave  him  a  very  cordial  shake  of  the  hand,  as  much 
as  to  say,  "  Never  mind  Miss  de  Glancey,  old  fellow,  we'll 
make  it  right  another  time."  They  then  fell  to  conversing  about 
turnips,  John's  Green  Globes  having  turned  out  a  splendid  crop, 
while  his  Swedes  were  not  so  good  as  usual,  though  they  still 
might  improve. 

A  more  potent  wheel-roll  than  John's  now  attracted  his  lord- 
ship's attention,  and  through  the  far  windows  he  saw  a  large 
canary-coloured  ark  of  a  coach,  driven  by  a  cockaded  coachman, 
which  he  at  once  recognised  as  belonging  to  his  natural  enemy 


64  ASK    MAMMA. 

Major  Yammerton,  "  five-and-thirty  years  master  of  haryers,"  as 
the  Major  would  say,  "  without  a  subscription."  Mr.  Bogpledike 
had  lately  been  regaling  his  lordship  with  some  of  the  Major's 
boastings  about  his  "  haryars "  and  the  wonderful  sport  they 
showed,  which  he  had  had  the  impudence  to  compare  with  his 
lordship's  fox  hounds.  Besides  which,  he  was  always  disturbing 
his  lordship's  covers  on  the  Roughborough  side  of  the  country, 
causing  his  lordship  to  snub  him  at  all  opportunities.  The 
Major,  however,  who  was  a  keen,  hard-bitten,  little  man,  not 
easily  choked  off  when  he  wanted  anything,  and  his  present  want 
being  to  be  made  a  magistrate,  he  had  attired  himself  in  an  ante- 
diluvian swallow  -  tailed  scarlet,  with  a  gothic-arched  collar, 
and  brought  his  wife  and  two  pretty  daughters  to  aid  in  the 
design.  Of  course  the  ladies  were  only  coming  to  see  the 
Castle. 

The  cockaded  coachman  having  tied  his  reins  to  the  rail  of  the 
driving-box,  descended  from  his  eminence  to  release  his  pas- 
sengers, while  a  couple  of  cerulean-blue  gentlemen  looked  com- 
placently on,  each  with  half  a  door  in  his  hand  ready  to  throw 
open  as  they  approached,  the  party  were  presently  at  the  hall 
table,  where  one  of  those  indispensable  articles,  a  looking-glass, 
enabled  the  ladies  to  rectify  any  little  derangement  incidental  to 
the  joltings  of  the  journey,  while  the  little  Major  run  a  pocket- 
comb  through  a  fringe  of  carroty  curls  that  encircled  his  bald 
head,  and  disposed  of  a  cream-coloured  scarf  cravat  to  what 
he  considered  the  best  advantage.  Having  drawn  a  doe- 
skin glove  on  to  the  left  hand,  he  offered  his  arm  to  his  wife, 
and  advanced  from  behind  the  screen  with  his  hat  in  his  un- 
gloved right  hand  ready  to  transfer  it  to  the  left  should  occasion 
require. 

"  Ah  Major  Yammerton  ! "  exclaimed  the  Earl,  breaking  off 
in  the  middle  of  the  turnip  dialogue  with  Imperial  John. 
"Ah,  Major  Yammerton,  I'm  delighted  to  see  you"  (getting  a 
glimpse  of  the  girls).  "  Mrs.  Yammerton,  this  is  indeed  extremely 
kind,"  continued  he,  taking  both  her  hands  in  his  ;  "and  bring- 
ing your  lovely  daughters,"  continued  he,  advancing  to  greet 
them. 

Mrs.  Yammerton  here  gave  the  Major  a  nudge  to  remind  him  of 
his  propriety  speech.  "  The  gi — gi— girls  and  Mrs.  Ya — Ya — 
Yammerton,"  for  he  always  stuttered  when  he  told  lies,  which  was 
pretty  often  ;  "  the  gi — gi — girls  and  Mrs.  Ya — Ya — Yammerton 
have  done  me  the  honour " 

Another  nudge  from  Mrs.  Yammerton. 

"  I  mean  to  say  the  gi — gi — girls  and  ]\Trs.  Ya — Ya — Yammer- 
ton," observed  he,  with  a  stamp  of  the  foot  and  a  shake  of  the 


ASK    MAMMA. 


65 


head,  for  he  saw  that  his  dread  enemy,  Imperial  John,  was  laugh- 
ing at  him,  "  have  done  themselves  the  honour  of  co — co — coming, 
in  hopes  to  be  allowed  the  p — p — p — pleasure  of  seeing  your  ma— 


.MKS.    YAMMl:KrnS,     liris    IS    IMiKIJi    l\  li;  IM  IJ,',     KINP 


ma — miigiiiticrnt   cdllccrinii    of   ])i — -jti — jiitini's."    the    .Majoi'   at 
length  getting  out  wliat  lie  had  l)eeii  charged  to  say. 

"  Hy  all  means  I  ■'  exchiiincd  the  delighted  Kui'l.  "  Ity  all 
means;  hut  first  let  me  have  the  ])leasin'e  of  conduei  iii"_;-  you 
to  the  refreshment -room  ; "  saying  which  his  lordslii])  ollered 
Mrs.  Yannnertou   his  arm,  so   passing  up  the   long  gallery,  and 


M  ASK    MAMMA. 

entering  by  the  private  door,  he  popped  her  down  beside  ^Mi-g. 
Moffatt  before  Mrs.  Yammerton  knew  where  she  was. 

Just  then  our  friend  Billy  Pringle,  wiio,  with  the  aid  of  Rougier, 
had  effected  a  most  successful  logement  in  his  hunting  things,  made 
his  appearance,  to  whom  the  Earl  having  assigned  the  care  of  the 
young  ladies,  now  beat  a  retreat  to  the  hall,  leaving  Mrs.  Yam- 
merton lost  in  astonishment  as  to  what  her  Mrs.  Grundy  would 
say,  and  speculations  as  to  which  of  her  daughters  would  do  for 
Mr.  Pringle. 

Imperial  John,  who  had  usurped  the  Earl's  place  before  the  fire, 
now  shied  off  to  one  side  as  his  lordship  approached,  and  made  his 
most  flexible  '^beisauce  to  the  two  Mr.  Fothergills  and  Mr.  Stot, 
who  had  arrived  during  his  absence.  These,  then,  gladly  passed 
on  to  the  banqueting-room  just  as  the  Condor-like  wings  of  the 
entrance  hall  door  flew  open  and  admitted  Imperial  Jane,  now  the 
buxom  Mrs.  PopiDvfield.  She  came  smiling  past  the  screen, 
magnificently  attired  in  purple  velvet  and  ermine,  pretending  she 
had  only  come  to  warm  herself  at  the  "  'AH  fire  while  Pop  looked 
for  the  groom,  who  had  brought  his  'orse,  and  who  was  to  drive 
her  'ome  ; "  but  hearing  from  the  Earl  that  the  Yammertons 
were  all  in  the  banqueting-room,  she  saw  no  reason  why  she 
shouldn't  go  too  ;  so  when  the  next  shoal  of  company  broke 
against  the  screen,  she  took  Imperial  John's  arm,  and  preceded  by 
a  cloud  of  lackeys,  cerulean-blue  and  others,  passed  from  the  hall  to 
the  grand  apartment,  up  which  she;  sailed  majestically,  tossing  her 
plumed  head  at  that  usurper  Mrs.  Molfatt  ;  and  then  increased 
the  kettle  of  fish  poor  Mrs.  Yammerton  was  in  by  seating  herself 
beside  her. 

"Impudent  woman,"  thought  Mrs.  Yammerton,  "if  I'd  had  any 
Idea  of  this  I  wouldn't  have  come  ; "  and  she  thought  how  lucky 
it  was  she  had  put  the  Major  up  to  asking  to  see  the  "  pictors." 
it  was  almost  a  pity  he  was  so  anxious  to  be  a  magistrate. 
Thought  he  might  be  satisfied  with  being  Major  of  such  a 
fine  regiment  as  the  Featherbedfordshire  Militia.  Nor  were  her 
anxieties  diminished  by  the  way  the  girls  took  the  words  out 
of  each  other's  mouths,  as  it  were,  in  their  intercourse  with 
Billy  Pringle,  thus  preventing  either  from  making  any  permanent 
impression. 

The  great  flood  of  company  now  poured  into  the  hall,  red  coats, 
green  coats,  black  coats,  brown  coats,  mingled  with  variously- 
coloured  petticoats.  The  ladies  of  the  court,  Mrs.  Cypher,  Mrs, 
Pillerton,  Mrs.  and  the  Misses  Easylease,  i\rrs.  Section,  and  others, 
hurried  through  with  a  shivering  sort  of  step  as  if  they  were 
going  to  bathe.  ]\Ir.  D'Orsay  Davis,  the  "  we  "  of  the  Feather- 
bedfordshire Gazette,  made  his  bow  and  passed  on  with  stately  air, 


ASK    MAMMA.  6? 

as  a  ruler  of  the  roast  ought  to  do.  The  Earl  of  Stare,  as  Mr. 
Buckwheat  was  called,  from  the  fixed  protuberance  of  his  eyes — a 
sort  of  second  edition  of  Imperial  John,  but  wanting  his  looks, 
and  Gameboy  Green,  the  hard  rider  of  the  hunt,  came  in  to- 
gether ;  and  the  l']arl  of  Stare,  sporting  scarlet,  advanced  to  his 
brother  peer,  the  Earl,  who,  not  thinking  him  an  available  card, 
turned  him  over  to  Imperial  John  who  had  now  returned  from  his 
voyage  with  Imperial  Jane,  while  his  lordship  commenced  a 
building  conversation  with  Mr.  Brick. 

A  lull  then  ensuing  as  if  the  door  had  done  its  duty,  his 
lordship  gave  a  wave  of  his  hand,  whereupon  the  trained 
courtiers  shot  out  into  horns  on  either  side,  with  his  lordship 
in  the  centre,  and  passed  majestically  along  to  the  bauqueting- 
room. 

The  noble  apartment  a  hundred  feet  long,  and  correspondingly 
proportioned,  was  in  the  full  swing  of  hospitality  when  the  Earl 
entered.  The  great  influx  of  guests  for  which  the  Castle  was 
always  prepared,  had  at  length  really  arrived,  and  from  Mrs. 
Moffatt's  end  of  the  table  to  the  door,  were  continuous  lines  of 
party-coloured  eaters,  all  engaged  in  the  noble  act  of  deglutition. 
Up  the  centre  was  a  magnificent  avenue  of  choice  exotics  in  gold, 
silver,  and  china  vases,  alternating  with  sugar-spun  Towers, 
Temples,  Pagodas,  and  Rialtos,  with  here  and  there  the  more  sub- 
stantial form  of  massive  plate,  epergnes,  testimonials,  and  prizes 
of  diiferent  kinds.  It  was  a  regular  field  day  for  plate,  linen, 
and  china. 

The  whole  force  of  domestics  was  now  brought  to  bear  upon  the 
charge,  and  the  cerulean-blue  gentlemen  vied  with  tiie  gentlemen 
out  of  livery  in  the  assiduity  of  their  attentions.  Soup,  game, 
tea,  coffee,  chocolate,  ham,  eggs,  honey,  marmalade,  grapes,  pines, 
melons,  ices,  buns,  cakes,  skimmed  and  soared,  and  floated  about 
the  room,  in  obedience  to  the  behests  of  the  callers.  The  only 
apparently  disengaged  person  in  the  room,  was  ilonsieur  Jean 
Kougier,  who,  in  a  blue  coat  with  a  velvet  collar  and  bright 
buttons,  a  rolling-collared  white  vest,  and  an  amplified  lace-tipped 
black  Joinville,  stood  like  a  pouter  pigeon  behind  Mr.  Pringle's 
chair,  the  bcmi  ideal  of  an  indilferent  spectator.  And  yet  he  was 
anything  but  an  indilferent  spectator  ;  for  beneath  his  stubbly 
hair  were  a  pair  of  little  roving,  watchful  eyes,  and  his  ringed  ears 
were  cocked  for  whatever  they  could  catch.  The  clatter,  patter, 
clatter,  patter  of  eating,  which  was  slightly  interrupted  by  the 
entrance  of  his  lordship  was  soon  in  full  vigour  again,  and  all  eyes 
resumed  the  contemplation  of  the  plates. 

Presently,  the  "  fiz,  pop,  hang,''^  of  a  champagne  cork  was  heard 
on  the  extreme  right, which  was  immediately  taken  up  on  the  'eft, 


«8  ASK    MAMMA. 

and  ran  down  either  side  of  the  table  like  gigantic  crackerg. 
Eighty  guests  were  now  imbibing  the  sparkling  fluid,  as  fast  as 
the  footmeu  could  supply  it.  And  it  was  wonderful  what  a 
volubility  that  single  glass  a-piece  (to  be  sure  they  were  good  large 
ones)  infused  iuto  the  meeting  ;  how  tongue-tied  ones  became 
talkative,  and  awed  ones  began  to  feel  themselves  sufficiently  at 
home  to  tackle  with  the  pines  and  sugar  ornaments  of  the  centre. 
Grottoes  and  Pyramids  and  Pagodas  and  Rialtos  began  to  topple 
to  their  fall,  and  even  a  sugar  Crystal  Palace,  which  occupied  the 
post  of  honour  between  two  flower-decked  Sevres  vases,  was 
threatened  with  destruction.  The  band  and  the  gardeners  were 
swept  away  immediately,  and  an  assault  on  the  fountains  was  only 
prevented  by  the  interference  of  Mr.  Beverage,  the  butler.  And 
now  a  renewed  pop-ponading  commenced,  more  formidable,  if 
possible,  than  the  first,  and  all  glasses  were  eagerly  drained,  and 
prepared  to  receive  the  salute. 

AH  being  ready,  Lord  Ladythorne  rose  amid  the  applause  so 
justly  due  to  a  man  entertaining  his  friends,  and  after  a  few 
prefatory  remarks,  expressive  of  the  pleasure  it  gave  him  to  see 
them  all  again  at  the  opening  of  another  season,  and  hoping  that 
they  might  have  many  more  such  meetings,  he  concluded  by 
giving  as  a  toast,  "Success  to  fox-hunting  !" — which,  of  course, 
was  drunk  upstanding  with  all  the  honours. 

All  parties  having  gradually  subsided  into  their  seats  after  this 
uncomfortable  performance,  a  partial  lull  ensued,  which  was  at 
length  inteiTLipted  by  his  lordship  giving  Imperial  John,  who  sat 
on  his  left,  a  nod,  who  after  a  loud  throat-clearing  Jiem!  rose  bolt 
upright  with  his  imperial  chin  well  up,  and  began,  "  Gentlemen 
AND  Ladies  !  "  just  as  little  weazeley  Major  Yammerton  com- 
menced "  Ladies  and  gentlemen  ! "  from  Mrs.  ^lotfatt's  end  of 
the  table.  This  brought  things  to  a  stand  still — some  called  for 
Hybrid,  some  for  Yammerton,  and  each  disliking  the  other, 
neither  was  disposed  to  give  way.  The  calls,  however,  becoming 
more  frequent  for  Yammerton,  who  had  never  addressed  them 
before,  while  Hybrid  had,  saying  the  same  thing  both  times,  the 
Earl  gave  his  Highness  a  hint  to  sit  down,  and  the  Major  waa 
then  left  in  that  awful  predicament,  from  which  so  many  men 
would  be  glad  to  escape,  after  they  have  achieved  it,  namely, — 
the  possession  of  the  meeting. 

However,  Yammerton  had  got  his  speech  well  off,  and  had  the 
heads  of  it  under  his  plate  ;  so  on  silence  being  restored,  he  thus 
went  away  with  it  : — 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen, — (cough) — ladies  and  gentlemen, — 
(hem)  I  rise,  I  assure  you — ^cough) — with  feelings  of  considerable 


ASK     MAMMA.  6& 

trepidation — (hem) — to  perform  an  act — (hem)— of  greatei 
difficulty  than  may  at  first  sight  appear — (hem,  hem,  haw) — for 
let  me  ask  what  it  is  I  am  about  to  do  ?  ("  You  know  best," 
growled  Imperial  John,  thinking  how  ill  he  was  doing  it.)  I  am 
going  to  propose  the  health  of  a  nobleman — (applause) — of  whom, 
in  whose  presence,  if  I  say  too  much,  I  may  offend,  and  if  I  say 
too  little,  I  shall  most  justly  receive  your  displeasure  (renewed 
applause).  But,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  there  are  times  when  the 
'umblest  abilities  become  equal  to  the  occasion,  and  assuredly  this 
is  one — (applause).  To  estimate  the  character  of  the  illustrious 
nobleman  aright,  whose  health  I  shall  conclude  by  proposing,  we 
must  regard  him  in  his  several  capacities — (applause) — as  Lord- 
Lieutenant  of  the  great  county  of  Featherbedlord,  as  a  great  and 
liberal  landlord,  as  a  kind  and  generous  neighbour,  and  though 
last,  not  least,  as  a  brilliant  sportsman — (great  applause,  during 
which  Yammerton  looked  under  his  plate  at  his  notes.) — As  Lord- 
Lieutenant,"  continued  he,  "  perhaps  the  greatest  praise  I  can 
offer  him,  the  'ighest  compliment  I  can  pay  him,  is  to  say  that  his 
appointments  are  so  truly  impartial  as  not  to  disclose  his  own 
politics — (applause) — as  a  landlord,  he  is  so  truly  a  pattern  thai- 
it  would  be  a  mere  waste  of  words  for  me  to  try  to  recommend  him 
to  your  notice, — (applause) — as  a  neighbour,  he  is  truly  exemplary 
in  all  the  relations  of  life, —  (applause) — and  as  a  sportsman, 
having  myself  kept  haryers  five-and-thirty  years  without  a 
subscription,  I  may  be  permitted  to  say  that  he  is  quite  first-rate, 
— (laughter  from  the  Earl's  end  of  the  table,  and  applause  from 
Mrs.  Motfatt's.) — In  all  the  relations  of  life,  therefore,  ladies  and 
gentlemen," — continued  the  IMajor,  looking  irately  down  at  the 
laughers — '*  I  beg  to  propose  the  bumper  toast  of  health,  and  long 
life  to  our  'ost,  the  noble  Karl  of  Ladythorne  !  " 

"Whereupon  the  little  Major  popped  down  on  his  chair,  won- 
dering whether  he  had  omitted  any  thing  he  ought  to  have  said, 
and  seeing  him  well  down,  Inij)ei'ial  John,  who  was  not  to  be 
done  out  of  his  show-od',  rose,  glass  in  hand,  and  exclaimed  in  a 
stentorian  voice, 

"Gextlemen  and  Ladies!  Oi  beg  to  propose  that  we  drink 
this  toast  up  standin'  with  all  the  honours  ! — Featherbedfordshire 
fire!"  upon  which  there  was  a  great  outhurst  of  a]iplause,  mingled 
wiih  deuiands  for  wme.  ana  requests  from  the  ladies,  that  the 
gentlemen  would  be  good  enough  to  take  their  chairs  off  their 
dresses,  or  move  a  little  to  one  side,  so  that  they  might  have  room 
to  stand  up  ;  Crinoline,  we  should  observe,  being  very  abundant 
jFi'th  many  of  them. 

A  t'.vmendouB  discharge  of  popularity  then  ensued,  the  cheers 
being  Itid  by  Imperial  John,  much  to  the  little  Majoi-'s  chagrin. 


70  ^-S'^"    MAMMA. 

who  wondered  how- he  could  ever  have  sat  down  without  calling 
for  them. 

Now,  the  Earl,  we  should  observe,  had  not  risen  in  the  best  of 
moods  that  morning,  having  had  a  disagreeable  dream,  in  which 
he  saw  old  Binks  riding  his  favourite  horse  Valiant,  Mazeppa 
fashion,  making  a  drag  of  his  statue  of  the  Greek  slave,  enveloped 
in  an  anise-seeded  bathing-gown  ;  a  vexation  that  had  been  further 
increased  when  he  arose,  by  the  receipt  of  a '  letter  from  his 
"  good-natured  friend  "  in  London,  telling  him  how  old  Binks  had 
been  boasting  at  Boodle's  that  he  was  within  an  ace  of  an 
Earldom,  and  now  to  be  clumsily  palavered  by  Yammerton  was 
more  than  he  could  bear. 

He  didn't  want  to  be  praised  for  anything  but  his  sporting 
propensities,  and  Imperial  John  knew  how  to  do  it.  Having, 
however,  a  good  dash  of  satire  in  his  composition,  when  the 
applause  and  the  Ci'inoline  had  subsided,  he  arose  as  if  highly 
delighted,  and  assured  them  that  if  anything  could  enhance  the 
pleasure  of  that  meeting,  it  was  to  have  his  health  proposed  by 
such  a  sportsman  as  Major  Yammerton,  a  gentleman  who  he 
believed  had  kept  harriers  five-and-thirty  years,  a  feat  he  believed 
altogether  unequalled  in  the  annals  of  sporting — (laughter 
and  applause) — during  which  the  little  Major  felt  sure  he  was 
going  to  conclude  by  proposing  his  health  with  all  the  honours, 
instead  of  which,  however,  his  lordship  branched  off  to  hia 
own  department  of  sport,  urging  them  to  preserve  foxes  most 
scrupulously,  never  to  mind  a  little  poultry  damage,  for  Mr. 
Boggledike  would  put  all  that  right,  never  to  let  the  odious  word 
Strychnine  be  heard  in  the  country,  and  concluded  by  proposing 
a  bumper  to  their  next  merry  meeting,  which  was  the  usual 
termination  of  the  proceedings.  The  party  then  rose,  chairs  fell 
out  of  line,  and  flying  crumpled  napkins  completed  the  confusion 
of  the  scene. 


ASK    MAMMA. 


H 


CHAPTER    XII. 


1"HE   MOHN'ING    FOX. — THE    AFTERNOON   FOX. 


[  I-]     day    was 

quite  at  its 
l)est,  when  the 
])arty  coloured 
bees  emerged 
from  t  h  (3 
sweets  of  Tan- 
tivy Castle,  to 
taint  the  pm'c 
atmosphere 
with  their 
nasty  ci,i(ars, 
and  air  them- 
selves on  the 
terrace,  let- 
tine;  the  unad- 
mitted world 
below  see  on 
what  excellent 
terms  they 
_  were  with  an 

A  RoiTi.i,  (IF  sMdKF,.  ij  a  r  i.     i  ucu 

Imperial  John 
upbraided  ^Fajor  Yammerton  for  takiufj  the  wurds  out  of  his 
mouth,  as  it  were,  and  the  coekcy  ^lajor  turned  up  his  nose  at  the 
"farmer  fellow"  for  presumintj  to  lector  him.  Then  the 
emboldened  ladies  strolled  throujrh  the  ]iicture-,i;alk'ries  and 
reception-rooms,  rej^ardless  of  Afrs.  ^loflatt  or  any  one  else, 
wonderini;  where  this  door  led  to.  and  ^\here  that.  The  hounds 
had  been  baskiuir  and  loiterins;  on  the  lawn  for  some  lime,  under- 
ijoiuf!^  the  inspection  and  criticisms  of  the  non-huntiu;^"  ])ortion  of 
the  establishment,  the  iLjardeners,  the  gamekeepers,  the  coachmen, 
the  helpers,  the  housemaids,  and  so  on.  They  all  i^ronounced 
them  as  perfect  as  could  l)e,  and  ^Iv.  Ijoggledike  received  theii' 
compliments  with  becominti-  satisfaction,  saying,  with  a  chuck  of 
Ids  chin,  "  Yas,  yas,  I  think  they're  about  as  good  as  can  be  I 
Parfaction.  I  may  say  !  " 

Having  abused  the  cigars,  we  hope  our  fair  friends  will  now 

(3 


72  ASK    MAMMA. 

excuse  us  for  saying  that  we  know  of  few  less  agreeable  scenes  than 
a  show  meet  with  fox-hounds.  The  whole  thing  is  opposed  to  the 
wild  nature  of  hunting.  Some  people  can  eat  at  any  time,  but  to 
a  well-regulated  appetite,  having  to  undergo  even  the  semblance 
of  an  additional  meal  is  inconvenient ;  while  to  have  to  take  a 
bond  fide  dinner  in  the  morning,  soup,  toast,  speeches  and  all,  is 
perfectly  suicidal  of  pleasure.  On  this  occasion,  the  wine-flushed 
guests  seemed  fitted  for  Cremorne  or  Foxhall,  as  they  used  to 
pronounce  Vaushall,  thau  for  fox-hunting.  Indeed,  the  cigar 
gentry  swaggered  about  with  a  very  rakish,  Regent  Street  air. 
His  lordship  alone  seemed  impressed  with  the  importance  of  the 
occasion ;  but  his  anxiety  arose  from  indecision,  caused  by  the 
Binks'  dream  and  letter,  and  fear  lest  the  Yammerton  girls  might 
spoil  Billy  for  Miss  de  Griancey,  should  his  lordship  adhere  to  his 
intention  of  introducing  them  to  each  other.  Then  he  began  to 
fidget  lest  he  might  be  late  at  the  appointed  place,  and  Miss  de 
Glancey  go  home,  and  so  frustrate  either  design. 

"  To  horse  !  to  horse  !  "  therefore  exclaimed  he,  now  hurrying 
through  the  crowd,  lowering  his  Imperial  Jane-made  hat-string, 
and  drawing  on  his  ]\Ioflratt-knit  mits.  *'  To  horse  I  to  horse  !  " 
repeated  he,  flourishing  his  cane  hunting-whip,  causing  a  commo- 
tion among  the  outer  circle  of  grooms.  His  magnificent  black 
horse.  Valiant  (the  one  he  had  seen  old  Binks  bucketing),  faultless 
in  shape,  faultless  in  condition,  faultless  every  way,  stepped 
proudly  aside,  and  Cupid-without-Wings  dropping  himself  off  by 
the  neck,  ]\Ir.  Beanley,  the  stud  groom,  swept  the  coronetted  rug 
over  the  horse's  bang  tail,  as  the  superb  and  sensible  animal 
stepped  forward  to  receive  his  rider,  as  the  Earl  came  up.  With  a 
jaunty  air,  the  gay  old  gentleman  vaulted  lightly  into  the  saddle, 
saying  as  he  drew  the  thin  rein,  and  felt  the  horse  gently  with  his 
left  leg,  "  Now  get  Mr.  Pringle  his  horse."  His  lordship  then 
passed  on  a  few  paces  to  receive  the  sky-scraping  salutes  of  the 
servants,  and  at  a  jerk  of  his  head  the  cavalcade  was  in  motion. 

Our  friend  Billy  then  became  the  object  of  attention.  The 
dismounted  Cupid  dived  into  the  thick  of  the  led  horses  to  seek 
his,  while  ]\Ir.  Beanley  went  respectfully  up  to  him,  and  with  a 
touch  of  his  flat-brimmed  hat,  intimated  that  "  his  oss  was  at 
'and." 

"  AVhat  sort  of  an  animal  is  it  ? "  asked  the  somewhat 
misgiving  Billy,  now  bowing  his  adieus  to  the  pretty  Misses 
Yammerton. 

"  k  very  nice  oss,  sir,"  replied  ]\[r.  Beanley,  with  another  touch 
of  hat ;  "  yes,  sir,  a  very  nice  oss — a  perfect  'unter— nothin'  to  do 
but  sit  still,  and  give  'im  'is  'ead,  he'll  take  far  better  care  o'  you 
than  you  can  of  'im."     So  saying,  Mr.  Beanley  led  the  way  to  a 


AS^    MAMMA.  W 

very  sedate-looking,  thorough-bred  bay,  with  a  flat  flapped  saddle, 
and  a  splint  boot  on  his  near  foreleg,  but  in  other  lespects  quite 
unobjectionable.  He  was  one  of  Swan's  stud,  but  Mr.  Beanley, 
understanding  from  the  under  butler,  who  had  it  from  Jack 
Rogers — we  beg  his  pardon, — Monsieur  Rougier  himself,  that  M.-. 
Pringle  was  likely  to  be  a  good  tip,  he  had  drawn  it  for  him.  The 
stin-ups,  for  a  wonder,  being  the  right  length,  Billy  was  presently 
astride,  and  in  pursuit  of  his  now  progressing  lordship,  the  gaping 
crowd  making  way  for  the  young  lord  as  they  supposed  him  to  be 
— for  people  are  all  loixls  when  they  visit  at  lords'. 

Pop,  pop,  bob,  bob,  went  the  black  caps  of  the  men  in  advance, 
indicating  the  whereabouts  of  the  hounds,  while  his  lordship 
ambled  over  the  green  turf  on  the  right,  surrounded  by  the  usual 
high-pressure  toadies.  Thus  the  cavalcade  passed  tlirough  the 
large  wood-studded,  deer-scattered  park,  rousing  the  nearer  herds 
from  their  lairs,  frightening  the  silver-tails  into  their  holes,  and 
causing  the  conceited  hares  to  scuttle  away  for  the  fern-browned, 
undulating  hills,  as  if  they  had  the  vanity  to  suppose  that  this 
goodly  array  would  condescend  to  have  anything  to  do  with  them. 
Silly  things  !  Peppercorn,  the  keejier,  had  a  much  readier  way  of 
settling  their  business.  The  field  then  crossed  the  long  stretch  of 
smooth,  ornamental  water,  by  the  old  gothic-arched  bridge,  and 
passed  through  the  beautiful  iron  gates  of  the  south  lodge,  now 
wheeled  back  by  grey-headed  porters,  in  cerulean-blue  plusli  coats, 
and  broad,  gold-laced  bats.  Meanwhile,  the  whereabouts  of  the 
accustomed  hunt  was  indicated  by  a  lengthening  line  of  pedestrians 
and  small  cavalry,  toiling  across  the  park  byDuntler  the  watcher's 
cottage  and  the  deer  sheds,  to  the  door  in  the  wall  at  the  bottom 
of  Crow-tree  hill,  from  whence  a  bird's-eye  view  of  the  suiTOunding 
country  is  obtained.  The  piece  had  been  enacted  so  often,  the 
same  company,  the  same  nay,  the  same  hour,  the  same  find,  the 
same  finish,  that  one  might  almost  imagine  it  was  the  same  fox 
On  this  particular  occasion,  however,  as  if  out  of  pure  contrad'^;- 
tion,  Master  Reynard,  by  a  series  of  snccessfid  manoeuvres,  lying 
down,  running  a  wall,  popping  backwards  and  forwards  between 
Ashley  quarries  and  Warmlcy  Oorse,  varied  by  an  occasional  trip 
to  Crow-tree  hill,  completely  biilllcd  ]\rr.  Boggledike,  so  that  it  was 
afternoon  bcfoi'e  he  brought  his  morning  fox  to  hand,  to  the  great 
discomfort  of  the  Earl,  who  had  twice  or  thrice  signaled  Swan  to 
"who  hoop"  him  to  ground,  when  the  tiresome  animal  popped  up 
in  the  midst  of  the  pack.  At  length  Boggledike  mastered  him  ; 
and  after  proclaiming  him  a  "  cowardly,  short-running  dastardly 
traitor,  no  better  nor  a  'are,"  he  chucked  him  scornfully  to  the 
hounds,  decorating  Master  Pillerton's  pony  with  the  brush,  while 
Swan  distributed  the  pads  among  others  of  the  rising  generation. 


H  ASK   MAMMA. 

The  last  act  of  the  "  show  meet "  being  thus  concluded,  Mr. 
Boggledike  and  his  men  quickly  collected  their  hounds,  and  set  ofif 
in  search  of  fresh  fields  and  pastures  new. 

The  Earl,  having  disposed  of  his  show-meet  fox — a  bagman,  of 
course — now  set  up  his  business-back,  and  getting  alongside  of 
Mr.  Boggledike,  led  the  pack  at  as  good  a  trot  as  the  hounds  and 
the  state  of  the  line  would  allow.  The  newly  laid  whinstone  of 
the  Brittleworth  road  rather  impeded  their  progress  at  first ;  but 
this  incouTenience  was  soon  overcome  by  the  road  becoming  less 
parsimonious  in  width,  extending  at  length  to  a  grass  siding, 
along  which  his  lordship  ambled  at  a  toe  in  the  stirrup  trot,  his 
eagle-eye  raking  every  bend  and  curve,  his  mind  distracted  with 
Hsions  of  Binks,  and  anxiety  for  the  future. 

He  couldn't  get  over  the  dream,  and  the  letter  had  anything 
but  cheered  him. 

"Very  odd,"  said  he  to  himself,  "very  odd,"  as  nothing  but 
drab-coated  farmers  and  dark-coated  grooms  lounging  leisurely 
"on,"  with  here  and  there  a  loitering  pedestrian,  broke  the 
monotony  of  the  scene.  "  Hope  she's  not  tired,  and  gone  home," 
thought  he,  looking  now  at  his  watch,  and  now  back  into  the 
crowd,  to  see  where  he  had  Billy  Pringle.  There  was  Billy  riding 
alongside  of  Major  Yammerton's  old  flea-bitten  grey,  whose  rider 
was  impressing  Billy  with  a  sense  of  his  consequence,  and  the 
excellence  of  hi?  "  hai"yers,"  paving  the  way  for  an  invitation  to 
Yammerton  Grange.  ^^  B-a-ask  that  Yammerton,"  growled  his 
lordship,  thinking  how  he  was  spoiling  sport  at  both  ends  ;  at 
the  Castle  by  his  uninvited  eloquence,  and  now  by  his  fastening 
on  to  the  only  man  in  the  field  he  didn't  want  him  to  get 
acquainted  with.  And  his  lordship  inwardly  resolved  that  he 
would  make  Easylease  a  magistrate  before  he  would  make  the  Major 
one.  So  settling  matters  in  his  own  mind,  he  gave  the  gallant 
Valiant  a  gentle  tap  on  the  shoulder  with  his  whip,  and  shot  a  few 
paces  ahead  of  Dicky,  telling  the  whips  to  keep  the  crowd  off  the 
hounds — meaning  off"  himself.  Thus  he  amt3led  on  through  the 
quiet  little  village  of  Strotherdale,  whose  inhabitants  all  rushed 
out  to  see  the  hounds  pass,  and  after  tantalising  poor  Jonathan 
Gape,  the  turnpike-gate  man,  at  the  far  end,  who  thought  he  was 
going  to  get  a  grand  haul,  he  turned  short  to  the  left  down  the 
tortuous  green  lane  leading  to  Quarrington  Gorse. 

"  There's  a  footmark,"  said  his  lordship  to  himself,  looking 
down  at  the  now  closely  eaten  sward.  "  Ah  !  and  there's  a  hat 
and  feather,"  added  he  as  a  sudden  turn  of  the  lane  afforded  a 
passing  glimpse.  Thus  inspirited,  he  mended  his  pace  a  little, 
iind  was  presently  in  sight  of  the  wearer.  There  was  the  bay,  and 
there  was  the  wide-awake,  and  there  was  the  green  trimming,  and 


ASK     MAMMA.  75 

there  was  the  feather  ;  but  someliow,  as  he  got  nearer,  they  all 
seemed  to  have  lost  caste.  The  slender  waist  and  graceful  upriglit 
seat  had  degenerated  into  a  fuller  form  and  lazy  slouch  ;  the  habit 
didn't  look  like  her  habit,  nor  the  bay  horse  like  her  bay  horse, 
and  as  he  got  within  speaking  distance,  the  healthy,  full-blown 
face  of  Miss  Winkworth  smiled  upon  him  instead  of  the  mild, 
placid  features  of  the  elegant  de  Glancey. 

"Ah,  my  dear  Miss  Winkworth  I  "  exclaimed  his  half-disgusted, 
half-delighted  lordship,  raising  his  hat,  and  then  extending  the 
right-hand  of  fellowship  ;  "  Ah,  my  dear  Miss  Winkworth,  I'm 
charmed  to  see  you  "  (inwardly  wondering  what  business  women 
had  out  hunting).  "  I  hope  you  are  all  well  at  home,"  continued 
he  (most  devoutly  wishing  she  was  there)  ;  and  without  waiting 
for  an  answer,  lie  commenced  a  furious  assault  upon  Benedict, 
who  had  taken  a  fancy  to  follow  him,  a  performance  that  enabled 
General  Boggledike  to  come  up  with  that  army  of  relief,  the  pack, 
and  engulf  the  lady  in  the  sea  of  horsemen  in  the  rear. 

"If  that  had  been  he)','"  said  his  lordship  to  himself,  "old 
Binks  would  have  had  a  better  chance  ; "  and  he  thought  what  an 
odious  thing  a  bad  copy  was. 

Another  bend  of  the  land  and  another  glimpse,  presently  put  all 
matters  right.  The  real  feather  now  fluttered  before  him.  There 
was  the  graceful,  upright  seat,  the  elegant  aii',  the  well-groomed 
horse,  the  tout  ensemble  being  heightened,  if  possible,  by  the  recent 
contrast  with  the  coarse,  country  attired  i\Iiss  Winkworth. 

The  Earl  again  trotted  gently  on,  raising  his  hat  most  deferen- 
tially as  he  came  along  side  of  her,  as  usual,  unaverted  head. 

"  Good  morning,  my  Lord  ! "  exclaimed  she  gaily,  as  if  agree- 
ably surprised,  tendering  for  the  first  time  her  pretty,  little, 
primrose-coloured  kid-gl(jved  bund,  looking  as  though  she  would 
condescend  to  notice  a  "  mere  fox-hunter." 

The  gay  old  gentleman  pressed  it  with  becoming  fervour, 
thinking  he  never  saw  her  looking  so  well  before. 

They  then  struck  up  a  light  rapid  conversation. 

Miss  perhaps  never  did  look  bi'igliter  or  more  radiant,  and  as 
his  lordship  rode  by  her  side,  he  really  thought  if  he  could  make 
up  his  mind  to  surrender  his  freedom  to  any  woman,  it  would  be 
to  her.  There  was  a  something  about  her  that  he  could  not 
describe,  but  still  a  something  that  was  essentially  dilfereut  to  all 
his  other  flames. 

He  never  could  bear  a  riding-woman  before,  but  now  he  felt 
quite  proud  to  have  such  an  elegant,  pi(juant  attendant  on  his 
pack. — Should  like,  at  all  events,  to  keep  her  in  the  country,  and 
enjoy  her  society. — Would  like  to  add  her  to  the  collection  of 


76  ASK    MAMMA. 

Featherbed fordshire  witches  of  which  his  friends  joked  him  in 
town. — "MiG:lit  have  done  worse  than  marrj  Iminrial  John," 
thought  his  lordship.  John  mightn't  be  quite  her  match  in  ])oint 
of  manner,  but  she  would  soon  have  polished  him  up,  and  John 
must  be  doino;  uncommonly  well  as  times  go — cattle  and  com 
both  selling  prodigiously  high,  and  Johu  with  his  farm  at  a  very 
low  rent.  And  the  thought  of  John  and  his  beef  brought  our 
friend  Billy  to  the  Earl's  mind,  and  after  a  sort  of  random 
compliment  between  ]\Iiss  de  Glancey  and  her  horse,  he  exclaimed, 
"  By  the  way  !  I've  got  a  young  friend  out  I  wish  to  introduce  to 
you  ;"  so  rising  in  his  saddle  and  looking  back  into  the  crowd 
he  hallooed  out,  "  Pringle  !  "  a  name  that  was  instantly  caught 
up  by  the  quick-eared  Dicky,  a  "  Mister  "  tacked  to  it  and  passed 
backward  to  Speed,  who  gave  it  to  a  groom  ;  and  Billy  was 
presently  seen  boring  his  way  through  the  opening  crowd,  just  as 
a  shepherd's  dog  bores  its  way  through  a  flock  of  sheep. 

"  Pringle,"  said  his  lordship,  as  the  approach  of  P>illy's  horse 
caused  Valiant  to  lay  back  his  ears,  "  Pringle  !  I  want  to  introduce 
you  to  Miss  de  Giancey,  IMiss  de  Glancey  give  me  leave  to 
introduce  my  fi-iend  J\Ir.  Pringle,"  continued  he,  adding  sotto  voce, 
as  if  for  Miss  de  Glancey's  ear  alone,  "young  man  of  very  good 
family  and  fortune — riclicst  Commoner,  in  England,  they  snj/.^^ 
But  before  his  lordship  got  to  the  richest  Commoner  part  of  liis 
speech,  a  dark  frown  of  displeasure  had  overcast  the  sweet  smile 
of  those  usually  tranquil  features,  which  luckily,  however,  was  not 
seen  by  Billy  ;  and  before  he  got  his  cap  restored  to  his  head 
after  a  sky  scraping  salute,  Miss  de  Glancey  had  resumed  her 
wonted  complacency,  —  inwardly  resolving  to  extinguish  the 
"richest  Commoner,"  just  as  she  had  done  his  lordship's  other 
"friend  Mr.  Hybrid."  Discarding  the  Earl,  therefore,  she  now 
opened  a  most  voluble  battering  on  our  good-looking  Billy  who, 
to  do  him  justice,  maintained  his  part  so  well,  that  a  lady  with 
less  ambitious  views  might  have  been  very  well  satisfied  to  be 
Mrs.  Pringle.  Indeed,  when  his  lordship  looked  at  the  two 
chattering  and  ogling  and  simpering  together,  and  thought  of  that 
abominable  old  Binks  and  the  drag,  and  the  letter  I'rom  the 
Boodleite,  his  heart  rather  smote  him  for  what  he  had  done  ;  for 
young  and  fresh  as  he  then  felt  himself,  he  knew  that  age  would 
infallibly  creep  upon  him  at  last,  just  as  he  saw  it  creeping  upon 
each  particular  friend  when  he  went  to  town,  and  he  questioned 
that  he  should  ever  find  any  lady  so  eminently  qualified  to  do  the 
double  duty  of  gracing  his  coronet  and  disappointing  the  General 
Not  but  that  the  same  thought  had  obtruded  itself  with  regard  to 
other  ladies  ;  but  he  now  saw  that  he  had  been  mistaken  with 
respect  to  all  of  them,  and  that  this  was  the  real,  genuine,  no 


ASK    MAMMA.  77 

mistake,  "  right  one."  Moreover,  Miss  de  Glancey  was  the  only 
lady  who  according  to  his  idea  had  not  made  up  to  him — rather 
snubbed  him  in  fact.  Mistaken  nobleman  !  There  are,  many 
ways  of  making  up  to  a  man.  But  as  with  many,  so  with  his 
lordship,  the  last  run  was  always  the  finest,  and  the  last  lady 
always  the  fairest — the  most  engaging.  With  distracting  con- 
siderations such  as  these,  and  the  advantage  of  seeing  Miss  de 
Glancey  play  the  artillery  of  her  arts  upon  our  young  friend,  they 
reached  the  large  old  pasture  on  the  high  side  of  Quarrington 
Govse,  a  cover  of  some  four  acres  in  extent,  lying  along  a  gently 
sloping  bank,  with  cross  rides  cut  down  to  the  brook.  Mr. 
Boggledike  pulled  up  near  the  rubbing-post  in  the  centre  of  the 
field,  to  give  his  hounds  a  roll,  while  the  second-horse  gentlemen 
got  their  nags,  and  the  new  comers  exchanged  their  hacks  for 
their  hunters.  Judging  by  the  shaking  of  hands,  the  exclamations 
of  "  halloo  !  old  boy  is  that  you  ?  "  "  T  say  !  where  are  you  from?" 
and  similar  inquiries,  there  were  a  good  many  of  the  latter — some 
who  never  went  to  the  Castle,  some  who  thought  it  too  far,  some 
who  thought  it  poor  fun.  Altogether,  when  the  field  got  scattered 
Dver  the  pasture,  as  a  shop-keeper  scatters  his  change  on  the 
counter,  or  as  an  old  stage  coachman  used  to  scatter  his  passengers 
on  the  road  with  an  upset,  there  might  be  fifty  or  sixty  horsemen, 
assmen,  and  gigmen. 

Most  conspicuous  was  his  lordship's  old  eye-sore.  Hicks,  the 
flyiug  hatter  of  llinton  (Sir  Moses  Mainchance's  "best  man"), 
who  seemed  to  think  it  incumbent  upon  liim  to  kill  his  lordship 
a  hound  every  year  by  his  reckless  riding,  and  who  now  came  out 
in  mufti,  a  hunting-cap,  a  Napoleon-grey  tweed  jacket,  loose  white 
cords,  with  tight  drab  leggings,  and  spurs  on  his  shoes,  as  if  his 
lordship's  hounds  were  not  worth  the  green  cut-a-way  and  brown 
boots  he  sported  with  Sir  Moses.  He  now  gave  his  cap-peak  a 
sort  of  rude  rap  with  his  fore-fingor,  as  his  lordship  came  up,  as 
much  as  to  say,  "  I  don't  know  whetlier  I'll  speak  to  you  or  not," 
and  then  ran  his  great  raking  chestnut  into  the  crowd  to  get  at  his 
old  opponent  Gamcboy  Green,  who  generally  rode  for  the  credit  of 
the  Tantivy  hunt.  As  these  sort  of  cattle  always  hunt  in  couples, 
Hicks  is  followed  by  his  shadow,  Tom  Snowdon,  the  draper — or 
the  Damper,  as  he  is  generally  called,  from  his  unhappy  propensity 
of  taking  a  gloomy  view  of  everything. 

To  the  right  are  a  knot  of  half-horse,  half-pony  mounted 
Squireen-looking  gentlemen,  with  clay  })ipes  in  their  mouths, 
whose  myrtle-green  coats,  baggy  cords,  and  ill-cleaned  tops,  denote 
as  belonging  to  the  Major's  "  haryers."  And  mark  how  the 
little,  pompons  man  wheels  before  them,  in  order  that  Pringle 
may  see  the  reverence  they  pay  to  his  red  coat.     He  raises  his 


78  ASK    MAMMA. 

punt  hat  with  all  the  dignity  of  the  immortal  Simpson  of  Vauxhall 
memory,  and  passes  on  in  search  of  further  compliments. 

His  lordship  has  now  settled  himself  into  the  "  Wilkinson  and 
Kidd  "  of  Rob  Roy,  a  bay  horse  of  equal  beauty  with  Valiant,  but 
better  adapted  to  the  country  into  which  they  are  now  going, 
Imperial  John  has  drawn  his  girths  with  his  teeth,  D'Orsay  Davis 
has  let  down  his  hat-string,  Mr.  John  Easylease  has  tightened  his 
curb,  Mr.  Section  drawn  on  his  gloves,  the  Damper  linished  his 
cigar,  and  all  things  are  approximating  a  start. 

"  Elope,  lads  !  Elope  !  "  cries  Dicky  Boggledike  to  his  hounds, 
whistling  and  waving  them  together,  and  in  an  instant  the  rollers 
and  wide-spreaders  are  frolicking  and  chiding  under  his  horse's 
nose.  "  G-e-e-nihj,  lads  !  g-e-enlhj  !  "  adds  he,  looking  the  more 
boisterous  ones  reprovingly  in  the  face — "gently  lads,  gently," 
repeats  he,  "or  you'll  be  rousin'  the  gem'lman  i'  the  gos."  This 
movement  of  Dicky  and  the  hounds  has  the  effect  of  concentrat- 
ing the  field,  all  except  our  fair  friend  and  Billy,  who  are  still  in 
the  full  cry  of  conversation,  Miss  putting  forth  her  best  allure- 
ments the  sooner  to  bring  Billy  to  book. 

At   a   chuck  of  his   lordship's   chin,   Dicky   turns   his   horse' 
towards  the  gorse,  just  as  Billy,  in  reply  to  Miss  de  Glancey's 
question,  if  he  is  fond  of  hunting,  declares,  as  many  a  youth  has 
done  who  hates  it,  that  he  "  doats  upon  it  I " 

A  whistle,  a  waive,  and  a  cheer,  and  the  hounds  are  away. 
They  charge  the  hedge  with  a  crash,  and  drive  into  the  gorse  as 
if  each  hound  had  a  bet  that  he  would  find  the  fox  himself. 

Mr.  Boggledike  being  now  free  of  his  pack,  avails  himself  of 
this  moment  of  ease,  to  exhibit  his  neat,  newly  clad  person  of 
which  he  is  not  a  little  proud,  by  riding  along  the  pedestrian- 
lined  hedge,  and  requesting  that  "you  fut  people,"  as  he  calls 
them,  "  will  have  the  goodness  not  to  'alloa,  but  to  'old  up  your 
'ats  if  you  view  the  fox  ; "  and  having  delivered  his  charge  in 
three  several  places,  he  turns  into  the  cover  by  the  little  white 
bridle-gate  in  the  middle,  which  Cupid-without- Wings  is  now 
holding  open,  and  who  touches  his  hat  as  Dicky  pa.s.ses. 

The  scene  is  most  exciting.  The  natural  inclination  of  the  land 
affords  every  one  a  full  view  of  almost  every  part  of  the  sloping, 
southerly-lying  gorse,  while  a  bright  sun,  with  a  clear,  rarified 
atmosphere,  lights  up  the  landscape,  making  the  distant  fences 
look  like  nothing.  Weak  must  be  the  nerves  that  would  hesitate 
to  ride  over  them  as  Lbey  now  appear. 

Delusive  view  !  Between  the  gorse  and  yonder  fir-clad  hills 
are  two  bottomless  brooks,  and  ere  the  dashing  rider  reaches 
Fairbank  Farm,  whose  tall  chimney  stands  in  bold  relief  against 
the  clear,  blue  •iky.   lies  a  tract  of  country  whose  flat  surface 


ASK    MAMMA. 


79 


requires  gulpli-likc  di-aiiis  to  carry  off  the  smplus  water  that 
rushes  down  from  the  hi<^her  grounds.  To  the  right,  though  the 
country  looks  rougher,  it  is  in  reahty  easier,  but  foxes  seem  to 
know  it,  and  seldom  take  thathne  ;  while  to  the  left  is  a  strongly- 
fenced  country,  fairish  for  hounds,  but  very  difficult  for  horses, 
inasmuch  as  the  vales  are  both  narrow  and  deep.  But  let  us  find 
our  fox  and  see  what  we  can  do  among  rhem.  And  as  we  are  in 
for  a  burst,  let  us  do  the  grand  and  have  a  fresh  horse. 


CHAPTER   Xin. 


GON?]   AWAY  ! 


brings  the  eager  ])nc]<.  ]K)uriiig  and 
"  Twf'f'l  !  Iwfff  !  ttrcci  :  "  nuw  goes 
fluous  horn,  only  he  doesn't  like  to  be 
thinks  the  ''  fut  people  "  may  atiribut- 


EE  !  a  sudden 
thrill  shoots 
through  the 
field,  tliough 
not  a  hound 
has  spoken  ; 
no,  not  even  a 
whimper  been 
lieard.  It  is 
Sjieed's  new 
c  a  ])  )■  i  s  i  n  g 
from  the  dip 
of  the  ground 
at  the  low  end 
of  the  cover, 
and  now.  hav- 
ing seen  the 
I'ox  "right 
well  awav," 
as  he  says,  he 
gives  such  a 
ringing  view 
hollo  a.  a  s 
startles  friend 
Kclio,  and 
screeching  to  the  cry — 
cantering  Dicky's  sn]>er- 
loiie  out  of  his  blow,  and 
fhe  crash  'o  his  coming. 


80  ASK    MAMMA. 

All  eyes  are  now  eagerly  strained  to  get  a  view  of  old  Revnard, 
some  for  the  pleasure  of  seeing  him,  others  to  speculate  upon 
whether  they  will  have  to  take  the  stiff  stake  and  rise  in  front,  or 
the  briar-tangled  boundary  fence  below,  in  order  to  fulfil  the 
honourable  obligation  of  going  into  every  field  with  the  liounds. 
Others,  again,  who  do  not  acknowledge  the  necessity,  and  mean  to 
take  neither,  hold  their  horses  steadily  iu  hand,  to  be  ready  to  slip 
down  Cherry-tree  Lane,  or  through  West  Hill  fold-yard,  into  thft 
Billinghurst  turnpike,  according  as  the  line  of  chase  seems  to  lie. 

^'Talli-ho!"  cries  the  Flying  Hatter,  as  he  views  the  fox 
whisking  his  brush  as  he  rises  the  stubble-field  over  Fawley  May 
Farm,  and  in  an  instant  he  is  soaring  over  the  boundary-fence  to 
the  clamorous  pack  just  as  his  lordship  takes  it  a  little  higher  up, 
and  lands  handsomely  in  the  next  field.  Miss  de  Glancey  then 
goes  at  it  in  a  canter,  and  cleai-s  it  neatly,  while  Billy  Pringle's 
horse,  unused  to  linger,  after  waiting  iu  vain  for  an  intimation 
from  his  rider,  just  gathers  himself  together,  and  takes  it  on  hia 
own  account,  shooting  Billy  on  to  his  shoulder. 

"  He's  off !  no,  he's  on  ;  he  hangs  by  the  mane  !  "  was  the  cry 
of  the  foot  people,  as  Billy  scrambled  back  into  his  saddle,  which 
he  regained  with  anything  but  a  conviction  that  he  could  sit  at 
the  jumps.  Worst  of  all,  he  thought  he  saw  Miss  de  Glancey's 
shoulders  laughing  at  his  failure. 

The  privileged  ones  having  now  taken  their  unenviable  prece- 
dence, the  scramble  became  general,  some  going  one  way,  some 
another,  and  the  recent  frowning  fences  are  soon  laid  level  with 
the  fields. 

A  lucky  lane  running  parallel  with  the  line,  along  which  the 
almost  mute  pack  were  now  racing  with  a  breast-high  scent, 
relieved  our  friend  Billy  from  any  immediate  repetition  of  the 
leaping  inconvenience,  though  he  could  not  hear  the  clattering  of 
horses'  hoofs  behind  him  without  shuddering  at  the  idea  of  falling 
and  being  ridden  over.  It  seemed  very  diiferent  he  thought  to 
the  first  run,  or  to  Hyde  Park  ;  people  were  all  so  excited,  instead 
of  riding  quietly,  or  for  admiration,  as  they  do  in  the  park.  Just 
as  Billy  was  flatteriug  himself  that  the  leaping  danger  was  at  an 
end,  a  sudden  jerk  of  his  horse  nearly  chucked  him  into  Imperial 
John's  pocket,  who  happened  to  be  next  in  advance.  The  fox  had 
been  headed  by  the  foot  postman  between  Hinton  and  Sambrook  ; 
and  Dicky  Boggledike,  after  objurgating  the  astonished  man, 
demanding,  "What  the  duval  business  he  had  there  ?"  had  drawn 
his  horse  short  across  the  lane,  thus  causing  a  suddeu  halt  to 
those  in  the  rear. 

The  Flying  Hatter  and  the  Damper  pressing  close  upon  the 
pack  as  usual,  despite  the  remonstrance  of  Gameboy  Green  and 


ASK    MAMMA.  81 

others,  raaae  them  shoot  up  to  the  far-end  of  the  enclosure,  where 
they  would  most  likely  have  topped  the  fence  but  for  Swan  and 
Speed  gettini,^  round  them,  and  adding  the  persuasion  of  their 
whips  to  the  entreaties  of  Dicky's  horn.  The  hounds  sweep 
round  to  the  twanp:,  lashing  and  bristhng  with  excitement. 

"  Yo  doit!  "  cries  Dicky,  as  Sparkler  and  Pilgrim  feather  up 
the  lane,  trying  first  this  side,  then  that.  Sparkler  speaks ! 
"  He's  across  the  lane."  "  Hoop  !  hoop  !  tallio  !  tallio  !  "  cries 
Dicky  cheerily,  taking  off  his  cap,  and  sweeping  it  in  the  direction 
the  fox  has  gone,  while  his  lordship,  who  has  been  bottling  up  the 
vial  of  his  wrath,  now  uncorks  it  as  he  gets  the  delinquents  within 
hearing. 

'*  Thank  you,  Mr.  Hicks,  for  pressing  on  my  hounds  !  Much 
obleged  to  you,  Mr.  Hicks,  for  pressing  on  my  hounds  !  Hang 
you,  Mr.  Hicks,  for  pressing  on  my  hounds  I  "  So  saying,  his 
lordship  gathered  Rob  Roy  together,  and  followed  Mr.  Boggledike 
through  a  very  stiff  bullfinch  that  Dicky  would  rather  have 
shirked,  had  not  the  eyes  of  England  been  upon  him. 

S-iv-ic-h!  Dicky  goes  through,  and  the  vigorous  thorns  close 
again  like  a  rat-trap. 

"Allow  me,  my  lord  !  "  exclaims  Imperial  John  from  behind, 
anxious  to  be  conspicuous. 

"  Thank  'e,  no,"  replied  his  lordship,  carelessly  thinking  it 
would  not  do  to  let  Miss  de  Glancey  too  much  into  the  secrets  of 
the  hunting  field.  "  Thank  'e,  no,"  repeated  he,  and  ramming  his 
horse  well  at  it,  he  gets  through  with  little  more  disturbance  of 
the  thorns  than  Dicky  had  made.  ]\[iss  de  Glancey  comes  next, 
and  riding  quietly  up  the  bank,  she  gives  her  horse  a  chuck  with 
the  curb  and  a  touch  with  the  whip  that  causes  him  to  rise  well 
on  his  haunches  and  buck  over  without  injury  to  herself,  her  hat, 
or  her  habit.  Imperial  John  was  nearly  ollering  his  services  to 
break  the  fence  for  her,  but  the  "  S'-i-r-r  !  do  you  mean  to  insult 
me  ?  "  still  tingling  in  his  ears,  caused  him  to  desist.  However 
he  gives  Billy  a  lift  by  squashing  through  bef'oie  him,  whose  horse 
then  just  rushed  thronah  it  as  before,  leaving  Billy  to  take  care  of 
himself.  A  switched  face  was  the  result,  the  pain,  however,  being 
far  greater  than  the  disfigurement. 

While  this  was  going  on  above,  D'Orsay  Davis,  who  can  ride  a 
spurt,  has  led  a  charge  through  a  weaker  ])];u'G  lower  down  ;  and 
when  our  friend  had  ascertained  that  his  eyes  were  still  in  hia 
head,  he  found  two  distinct  lines  of  sportsmen  s])inning  away  in 
the  distance  as  if  tlicy  wei'e  riding  a  race.  Added  to  this,  the 
pent-up  party  behind  iiim  having  got  vent,  made  a  great  show  o' 
horsemanship  as  they  passed. 

*'  Come  alons: !  "  screamed  one. 


82  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  Look  alive  ! "  shouted  another. 

"  Never  say  die  !  "  cried  a  third,  though  they  were  all  as  ready 
to  shut  up  as  our  frieud. 

Billy's  horse,  however,  not  being  used  to  stopping,  gets  the  bit 
between  his  teeth,  and  scuttles  away  at  a  very  overtaking  pace, 
bringing  him  sufficiently  near  to  let  him  see  Gameboy  Green  and 
the  Flying  Hatter  leading  the  honourable  obligation  van,  out  of 
whose  extending  line  now  a  red  coat,  now  a  green  coat,  now  a 
dark  coat  drops  in  the  usual  "  had  enough  "  style. 

In  the  ride-cunning,  or  know-the-couutry  detachment,  Miss  de 
Glancey's  flaunting  habit,  giving  dignity  to  the  figure  and  flowing 
elegance  to  the  scene,  might  be  seen  going  at  perfect  ease  beside 
the  noble  Earl,  who  from  the  higher  ground  surveys  Gameboy 
Green  and  the  Hatter  racing  to  get  first  at  each  fence,  while  the 
close-packing  hounds  are  sufficiently  far  in  advance  to  be  well  out 
of  harm's  way. 

"  C — a — a — tch  'era,  if  you  can  !  "  shrieks  his  lordship,  eyeing 
their  zealous  endeavours. 

"  C — a — a — tch  'em,  if  you  can  !  "  repeats  he,  laughing,  as  the 
pace  gets  better  and  better,  scarce  a  hound  having  time  to  give 
tongue. 

"  Yooi,  over  he  goes ! "  now  cries  his  lordship,  as  a  spasmodic 
jerk  of  the  leading  hounds,  on  Alsike  water  meadow,  turns 
Trumpeter's  and  Wrangler's  heads  toward  the  newly  widened  and 
deepened  drain-cut,  and  the  whole  pack  wheel  to  the  left.  What 
a  scramble  there  is  to  get  over  !  Some  clear  it,  some  fall  back, 
while  some  souse  in  and  out. 

Now  Gameboy,  seeing  by  the  newly  thrown  out  gravel  the 
magnitude  of  the  venture,  thrusts  down  his  hat  firmly  on  his 
brow,  while  Hicks  gets  his  chesnut  well  by  the  head,  and  harden- 
ing tlieir  hearts  they  clear  it  in  stride,  and  the  Damper  takes 
soundings  for  the  benefit  of  those  who  come  after.  What  a  splash 
he  makes  ! 

And  now  the  five-and-thirty  years  master  of  "  haryers  "  without 
a  subscription  coming  up,  seeks  to  save  the  credit  of  his  (juivering- 
tailed  grey  by  stopping  to  help  the  discontented  Damper  out  of 
his  difficulty,  whose  horse  coming  out  on  the  wrong  side  affords 
them  both  a  very  fair  excuse  for  shutting  up  shop. 

The  rest  of  the  detachment,  unwilling  to  bathe,  after  craneing 
at  the  cut,  scuttle  away  by  its  side  down  to  the  wooden  cattle- 
bridge  below,  which  being  crossed,  the  honourable  obligationePi 
and  the  take-care-of-their-neckers  are  again  joined  in  common 
union.  It  is,  however,  no  time  to  boast  of  individual  feats,  or  to 
inquire  for  alDsent  friends,  for  the  hounds  still  press  on,  though 
the  pace  is  not  quite  so  severe  as  it  was.     They  are  on  worse  soil* 


ask:  mamma.  $a 

and  the  scent  does  not  serve  them  so  well.  It  soon  begins  to  fail, 
and  at  length  is  carried  on  upon  the  silent  system,  and  looks  very 
like  failing  altogether, 

Mr.  Boggledike,  who  has  been  riding  as  cuiming  as  any  one, 
now  shows  to  the  front,  watching  the  stooping  pack  with  anxious 
eye,  lest  he  should  have  to  make  a  cast  over  fences  that  do  not 
quite  suit  his  convenience. 

"G— e — ntly,  urryin' !  gently!"  cries  he,  seeing  that  a  little 
precipitancy  may  cany  them  off  the  line.  "Yon  cur  dog  has 
chased  the  fox,  and  the  hounds  are  puzzled  at  the  point  where  he 
has  left  him." 

"  Ah,  sarr,  what  the  daval  business  have  you  out  with  a  dog  on 
such  an  occasion  as  this  ? "  demands  Dicky  of  an  astonished 
drover  who  thought  the  road  was  as  open  to  him  as  to  Dicky. 

"  0,  sar  !  sar !  you  desarve  to  be  put  i'  the  lock-up,"  continues 
Dicky,  as  the  p;ick  now  divide  on  the  scent. 

"  0,  sar  !  sar  !  you  should  be  chaasetised  !  "  added  he,  shaking 
his  whip  at  the  drover,  as  he  trotted  on  to  the  assistance  of  the 
pack. 

The  melody  of  the  majority  however  recalls  the  cur-ites,  and 
saves  Dicky  from  the  meditated  assault. 

While  the  brief  check  was  going  on,  his  lordship  was  eyeing 
Miss  de  Glancey,  thinking  of  all  the  quiet  captivating  women  he 
had  ever  seen,  she  was  the  most  so.  Her  riding  was  perfection, 
and  he  couldn't  conceive  how  it  was  that  he  had  ever  entei'tained 
any  objection  to  sports-women.  It  must  have  been  from  seeing 
some  clumsy  ones  rolling  about  who  couldn't  ride  ;  and  old 
Binks's  chance  at  that  moment  was  not  worth  one  farthing. 

"  Where's  Pringle  ?  "  now  asked  his  lordship,  as  the  thought  of 
Binks  brought  our  hero  to  his  recollection. 

"  Down,"  replied  Miss  de  Glancey  carelessly,  pointing  to  tlie 
gi'ound  with  her  pretty  amethyst-topped  whip. 

"  Down,  is  he  !"  smiled  the  Earl,  adding  half  to  himself  and 
half  to  her,  "  thought  he  was  a  mulV." 

Our  friend  indeed  has  come  to  grief.  After  pulling  and  hauling 
at  his  horse  until  he  got  him  quite  savage,  the  irritated  animal, 
shaking  his  head  as  a  terrier  shakes  a  rat,  ran  blindfold  into  a 
bullfinch,  shooting  Billy  into  a  newly-made  manure-heap  beyond. 
The  last  of  the  "  harryer  "  men  caught  his  horse,  and  not  knowing 
who  he  belonged  to,  just  threw  the  bridle-rein  over  tl  e  next  gate- 
post, while  D'Orsay  Davis,  who  had  had  enough,  and  was  glad  of 
an  excuse  for  stopping,  jiulls  up  to  assist  Billy  out  of  his  dirty 
dilemma. 

Augh,  what  a  figure  he  was  ! 

But  see  !  Mr.  Boggledike   is   hitting   off  the   scent,    auf?  the 


84  ASK    MAMMA. 

astonished  drover  is  spurring  on  his  pony  to  escape  the  chaasetisB 
ment  Dicky  has  promised  him. 

At  this  critical  moment,  Miss  de  Glancey's  better  genius  whis- 
pered her  to  go  home.  She  had  availed  herself  of  the  short  respite 
to  take  a  sly  peep  at  herself  in  a  little  pocket-mirror  she  carried  in 
her  saddle,  and  found  she  was  quite  as  much  heated  as  was 
becoming  or  as  could  be  ventured  upon  without  detriment  to  her 
dress.  Moreover,  she  was  not  quite  sure  but  that  one  of  her 
frizettes  was  coming  out. 

So  now  when  the  hounds  break  out  in  fresh  melody,  and  the 
Flying  Hatter  and  Gameboy  Green  are  again  elbowing  to  the 
front,  she  sits  reining  in  her  steed,  evidently  showing  she  is  done. 

"  Oh,  come  along  !  "  exclaimed  the  Earl,  looking  back  for  her. 
"  Oh,  come  along,"  repeated  he,  waving  her  onward,  as  he  held  in 
his  horse. 

There  was  no  resisting  the  appeal,  for  it  was  clear  he  would 
come  back  for  her  if  she  did,  so  touching  her  horse  with  the  whip, 
she  is  again  cantering  by  his  side. 

"  I'd  give  the  world  to  see  you  beat  that  impudent  ugly  hatter," 
said  he,  now  pointing  Hicks  out  in  the  act  of  riding  at  a  stiff  newly- 
plashed  fence  before  his  hounds  were  half  over. 

And  his  lordship  spurred  his  horse  as  he  spoke  with  a  vigour 
that  spoke  the  intensity  of  his  feelings. 

The  line  of  chase  then  lay  along  the  swiftly  flowing  Arrow 
banks  and  across  Oxley  large  pastures,  parallel  with  the  Downton 
bridle-road,  along  which  Dicky  and  his  followers  now  pounded  ; 
Dicky  hugging  himself  with  the  idea  that  the  fox  was  making  for 
the  main  earchs  on  Bringwood  moor,  to  which  he  knew  every  yard 
of  the  country. 

And  so  the  fox  was  going  as  straight  and  as  hard  as  ever  he 
could,  but  as  ill  luck  would  have  it,  young  Mr.  Nailor,  the  son  of 
the  owner  of  Oxley  pastures,  shot  at  a  snipe  at  the  west  corner  of 
the  large  pasture  just  as  pug  entered  at  the  east,  causing  him  to 
shift  his  line  and  thread  Larchfield  plantations  instead  of  crossing 
the  pasture,  and  popping  down  Tillington  Dean  as  he  intended. 

Dicky  had  heard  the  gun,  and  the  short  turn  of  the  hounds 
now  showing  him  what  had  happened,  he  availed  himself  of  the 
superiority  of  a  well-mounted  nobleman's  huntsman  in  scarlet  over 
a  tweed-clad  muffin-ca])ped  shooter,  for  exclaiming  at  the  top  of 
his  voice  as  he  cantered  past,  horn  in  hand, 

"  0  ye  poachin'  davil,  what  business  'ave  ye  there  !  " 

"  0  ye  nasty  sneakin'  snarin'  ticket-o'-leaver,  go  back  to  the 
place  from  whance  you  came ! "  leaving  the  poor  shooter  staring 
with  asbonislnuent. 

A  twang  of  the  horn  now  brings  the  hounds — who  have  been 


ASK    MAMMA.  86 

running  with  a  flinging  catching  side-wind  scent  on  to  the  line, 
and  a  full  burst  of  melody  greets  the  diminished  field,  as  they 
strike  it  on  the  bright  grass  of  the  plantation. 

"  For — rard  !  for  —  rard  !  "  is  the  cry,  though  there  isn't  a 
hound  but  what  is  getting  on  as  fast  as  he  can. 

The  merry  music  reanimates  tlie  party,  and  causes  them  to  press 
on  their  horses  with  rather  more  freedom  than  past  exertions 
warrant. 

Imperial  John's  is  the  first  to  begin  wheezing,  but  his  Highness 
feeling  him  going,  co\ers  a  retreat  of  his  hundred-and-fifty- 
guineas-worth,  as  ho  hopes  he  will  be,  under  shelter  of  the 
plantation. 


"  I  think  the  'atter's  oss  lias  al)out  'ad  enough,"  now  observes 
Dicky  to  his  lordship,  as  he  holds  open  the  bridle-gate  at  the  end 
of  the  plantation  into  the  Benington  Lane  for  his  lordship  and 
Miss  de  Glancey  to  pass. 

"  Glad  of  it,"  replied  the  Earl,  thinking  the  Hatter  would  not 
be  able  to  go  home  and  boast  how  he  had  cut  down  the  Tantivy 
men  and  hung  them  up  to  dry. 

"  Old  'ard,  one  moment ! "  now  cries  Dicky,  raising  his  right 
hand  as  the  Hatter  comes  blundering  through  the  quickset  fence 
into  the  hard  lane,  his  horse  nearly  alighting  on  his  nose. 

"  Old  'ard,  please  ! "  adds  he,  as  the  Hatter  spurs  among  the 
road-stooping  pack. 

"  Hooick  to  Challenger  !  Hooick  to  Challenger  ! "  now  holloas 
Dicky,  as  Challenger,  after  sniffing  up  the  grassy  mound  of  the 
opposite  hedge,  proclaims  that  the  fox  is  over  ;  and  Dicky  getting 
his  horse  short  l)y  the  head,  slips  behind  the  Hatter's  horse's  tail 
for  his  old  familiar  friend  the  gap  in  the  corner,  while  the  Hatter 
gathers  his  horse  tegeiher  to  fulfil  the  honourable  obligation  of 
going  with  the  hounds. 

"C — u — r — m  up  !  "  cries  he,  with  an  ohlujato  accompaniment 
of  the  spur  rowels,  which  the  honest  beast  acknowledges  by  a 
clambering  flounder  up  the  bank,  making  the  descent  on  his  head 
on  the  field  side  that  he  nearly  executed  before.  The  Hatter's 
legs  perform  a  sort  of  wands  of  a  mill  evolution. 

"Not  hurt,  I  hope!"  holloas  the  Earl,  who  with  Miss  de 
Glancey  now  lands  a  little  al)ove,  and  seeing  the  Hatter  rise  and 
ehake  himself  he  canters  on,  giving  Miss  de  Glancey  a  touch  on 
the  elbow,  and  saying  with  a  knowing  look,  "  TliaCs  mpitall  get 
rid  of  him,  leggings  and  all  !  " 

His  lordship  having  now  seen  the  last  of  his  tormentors,  has 
time  to  look  about  him  a  little. 


86  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  Been  a  monstrous  fine  run,"  observes  he  to  the  lady,  as  they 
canter  to<;ether  behind  the  pace-slackening  pack. 

"  Monstrous,"  replies  the  lady,  who  sees  no  fun  in  it  at  all. 

"  How  long  has  it  been  ?  "  asks  his  lordship  of  Swan,  who  now 
shows  to  the  i'ront  as  a  whip-aspiring  huntsman  is  wont  to  do. 

"  An  hour  all  but  five  minutes,  my  lord,"  replies  the  magnifier, 
looking  at  his  watch.  "  No — no — an  hour  'zactly,  my  lord,"  adds 
he,  trotting  on— restoring  his  watch  to  his  fob  as  he  goes. 

"  An  hour  best  pace  with  but  one  slight  check — can't  have  come 
less  than  twelve  miles,"  observes  his  lordship,  thinking  it  over. 

"  Indeed,"  replied  Miss  de  Glancey,  wishing  it  was  done. 

"  Grand  sport  fox-hunting,  isu't  it  ? "  asked  his  lordship, 
edging  close  up  to  her. 

"  Charming ! "  replied  Miss  de  Glancey,  feeling  her  failing 
frizette. 

The  eflFervescence  of  the  thing  is  now  about  over,  and  the 
hounds  are  reduced  to  a  very  plodding  pains-taking  pace.  The 
day  has  changed  for  the  worse,  and  heavy  clouds  are  gathering 
overhead.  Still  there  is  a  good  holding  scent,  and  as  the  old  say- 
ing is,  a  fox  so  pressed  must  stop  at  last,  the  few  remaining 
sportsmen  begin  speculating  on  his  probable  destination,  one 
backing  him  for  Cauldwell  rocks,  another  for  Fulford  woods,  a 
third  for  the  Hawkhurst  Hills. 

"  'Awk'urst  'ills  for  a  sovereign  !  "  now  cries  Dicky,  hustling 
his  horse,  as,  having  steered  the  nearly  mute  pack  along  Sandy- 
well  banks,  Challenger  and  Spai'kler  strike  a  scent  on  the  track 
leading  up  to  Sorry  fold  Moor,  and  go  away  at  an  improving  pace. 

"  'Awk'urst  'ills  for  a  fi'-pun  note  !  "  adds  he,  as  the  rest  of  the 
pack  sc(jre  to  cry. 

"  Going  to  have  rine  !  "  now  observes  he,  as  a  heavy  drop  beats 
upon  his  up-turned  nose.  At  the  same  instant  a  duplicate  drop 
falls  upon  Miss  de  Glancey's  fair  cheek,  causing  her  to  wish  her- 
self anywhere  but  where  she  was. 

Another,  and  another,  and  another,  follow  in  quick  succession, 
while  the  dark,  dreary  moor  off(  rs  nothing  but  the  inhospitable  free- 
dom of  space.  The  cold  wind  cuts  through  her,  making  her  shudder 
for  the  result.  "  He's  for  the  hills  !  "  exclaims  Gamcboy  Green, 
still  struggling  on  with  a  somewhat  worse-for-wear  looking  steed. 

"  He's  for  the  hills  ! "  repeats  he,  pointing  to  a  frowning  Une 
in  the  misty  distance. 

At  the  same  instant  his  horse  puts  his  foot  in  a  stone-hole,  and 
Gameboy  and  he  measure  their  lengths  on  the  moor. 

"  That  comes  of  star-gazing,"  observed  his  lordship,  turning  his 
coat-collar  up  about  his  ears.  ''  That  comes  of  star-gazing,"  repeats 
he,  eyeing  the  loose  horse  scampering  the  wrong  way. 


ASK    MAM3IA.  87 

"We'll  sec  no  more  of  him,"  obsjrvcd  Miss  de  Glancey,  wishin": 
she  was  as  well  out  of  it  a&  Green. 

"  Not  likely,  I  think,"  replied  his  lordship,  seeing  the  evasive 


\vi:i:'  K   '  !■■  A    l;i:i.l,i 


rush  the  horse  gave,  as  Speed,  who  was  coming  up  with  some  tail 
hounds,  tried  to  catch  him. 

The  heath-brushing  I'ux  leaves  a  scent  that  fills  the  painfully 
still  atmosphere  with  the  melody  of  the  hounds,  niiniiled  with  tl:e 
co-beck— co-heck  co-beck  of  the  slai'lled  grouse.  'I'liei-e  is  a 
solemn  calm  that  portends  a  coming  storm.     To  .Miss  de  (daiicey, 

II 


98  ASK    MAMMA. 

for  whom  the  music  of  the  hounds  has  no  charms,  and  the  fast- 
gathering  clouds  have  great  danger,  the  situation  is  pecuharly 
distresBing.  She  would  stop  if  she  durst,  but  on  the  middle  of  a 
dreai7  moor  how  dare  she. 

An  ominous  gusty  wind,  followed  by  a  vivid  flash  of  lightning 
and  a  piercing  scream  from  Mies  de  Glancey,  now  startled  the 
Earl's  meditations. 

"  Lightning  !  "  exclaimed  his  lordship,  turning  short  round  to 
her  assistance.  "  Lightning  in  the  month  of  November — never 
heard  of  such  a  thing  I  " 

But  ere  his  lordship  gets  to  Miss  de  Glancey's  horse,  a  most 
terrific  clap  of  thunder  burst  right  over  head,  shaking  the  earth  to 
the  very  centre,  silencing  the  startled  hounds,  and  satisfying  his 
lordship  that  it  was  lightning. 

Another  flash,  more  vivid  if  possible  than  the  first,  followed  by 
another  pealing  crash  of  thunder,  more  terrific  than  before,  calls 
all  hands  to  a  hurried  council  of  war  on  the  subject  of  shelter. 

"We  must  make  for  the  Punch-bowl  at  Rockbeer,"  exclaims 
General  Boggledike,  flourishing  his  horn  in  an  ambiguoua  sort  of 
way,  for  he  wasn't  quite  sure  he  could  find  it. 

"  You  know  the  Punch-bowl  at  Rockbeer  !  "  shouts  he  to  Harry 
Swan,  anxious  to  have  some  one  on  whom  to  lay  the  blame  if  he 
went  wrong. 

"  I  know  it  when  I'm  there,"  replied  Swan,  who  didn't  consider 
it  part  of  his  duty  to  make  imaginary  r^ns  to  ground  for  his 
lordship. 

"  Know  it  when  you're  there,  man,"  retorted  Dicky  in  disgust  ; 

"  why  any "  the  remainder  of  his  sentence  being  lost  in  a 

tremendously  ilhiminating  flash  of  lightning,  followed  by  a  long 
cannonading,  reverberating  roll  of  thunder. 

Poor  Miss  de  Glancey  was  ready  to  sink  into  the  earth. 

"  £Iope,  hounds  /  elope  !  "  cried  Dicky,  getting  his  horse  short  by 
the  head,  and  spurring  him  into  a  brisk  trot.  "  Elo'pe,  hoimds  ! 
elope  !  "  repeated  he,  setting  off  on  a  speculative  cast,  for  he  saw  it 
was  no  time  for  dallying. 

And  now, 

"  From  cloud  to  cloud  the  rending  lightnings  rage  ; 
Till  in  the  furious  elemental  war 
Dissolved,  the  whole  precipitated  mass, 
Unbroken  floods  and  solid  torrents  pour." 

Luckily  for  Dicky,  an  unusually  vivid  flash  of  lightning  so  lit 
up  the  landscape  as  to  show  the  clump  of  large  elms  at  the 
entrance  to  Rockbeer  ;  and  taking  his  bearings,  he  went  swish 
swash,   squirt  spurt,   swish    swash,   squirt    spurt,    through    the 


ASK    MAMMA.  89 

spongy,  half  land,  half  water  moor,  at  as  good  a  trot  as  he  could 
raise.  The  lately  ardent,  pressing  hounds  follow  on  in  long-drawn 
file,  looking  anything  but  large  or  formidable.  The  frightened 
horses  tucked  in  their  tails,  and  looked  fifty  per  cent,  worse  for 
the  suppression.  The  hard,  driving  rain  beats  downways,  and 
sideways,  and  frontways,  and  backways — all  ways  at  once.  The 
horses  know  not  which  way  to  duck,  to  evade  the  storm.  In  less 
than  a  minute  Miss  de  Glancey  is  as  drenched  as  if  she  had  taken 
a  shower-bath.  The  smart  hat  and  feathers  are  annihilated ;  the 
dubious  frizette  falls  out,  down  comes  the  hair  ;  the  bella-donna- 
inspired  radiance  of  her  eyes  is  quenched ;  the  Crinoline  and 
wadding  dissolve  like  ice  before  the  fire  ;  and  ere  the  love-cured 
Earl  lifts  her  off  her  horse  at  the  Punch-bowl  at  Kockbeer,  she 
has  no  more  shape  or  figure  than  an  icicle.  Indeed  she  very  much 
resembles  one,  for  the  cold  sleet,  freezing  as  it  fell,  has  encrusted 
her  in  a  rich  coat  of  ice  lace,  causing  her  saturated  garments  to 
cling  to  her  with  the  utmost  pertinacity.  A  more  complete  wreck 
of  a  belle  was,  perhaps,  never  seen. 

"  What  an  object !  "  inwardly  ejaculated  she,  as  Mrs.  Hether- 
ington,  the  landlady,  brought  a  snivelling  mould  candle  into  the 
cheerless,  fireless  little  inn-parlour,  and  she  caught  a  glimpse  of 
herself  in  the — at  best — most  unbecomiug  mirror.  What  would 
she  have  given  to  have  turned  back  ! 

And  as  his  lordship  hurried  up  stairs  in  his  water-logged  boots, 
he  said  to  himself,  with  a  nervous  swing  of  his  arm,  "I  was  right ! 
— women  have  no  business  out  hunting."  And  the  Binks  chance 
improved  amazingly. 

The  further  denouement  of  this  perishing  day  will  be  gleaned 
from  the  followinsr  letters. 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

THE   PRINGLE   CORRESPONDKNCE. 

MB.    WILLIAM   TO    II IS   MAMMA. 

"  Tantivy  Castle,  November. 
"My  dearest  Mamma, 

"  Though  I  wrote  to  you  only  the  other  day,  I  take  up  my  pen, 
stiff  and  sore  as  lam  arid  scarcely  able  to  sit,  to  tell  you  of  my  first 
dny'^fi  hunt,  which,  I  assure  you,  was  anything  but  enjoyable.  In 
fact,  at  this  moment  I  feel  just  as  if  I  had  been  thumped  by  half  the 
pugilists  in  London  and  severely  icicked  at  Uie,  end.     To  my  fancy ^ 

11  -1 


90  ASK    MAMMA. 

hunting  is  about  the  most  curious,  imreasonahle  amusetnent  thai 
ever  was  inveyited.  The  first  fox  was  tuell  enough,  running 
lackwards  and  fonvards  in  an  agreeable  mannm;  though  they 
all  abused  him  and  called  him  a  cowardly  beggar,  though  to  my 
mind  it  ivas  far  pluclcier  to  do  tvhai  he  did,  with  fifty  great  dogs 
after  him,  than  to  fly  Wee  a  thief  as  the  next  one  did.  Indeed  I  saw 
all  the  first  run  without  the  slightest  inconvenience  or  exertion,  for  a 
very  agreeable  gentleman,  called  Major  Hammerton,  himself  an  old 
keeper  of  hounds,  led  me  about  and  showed  me  the  country. 

"  /  don^t  mean  to  say  that  he  led  my  horse,  but  he  showed  me  the 
way  to  go,  so  as  to  avoid  the  jumps,  and  pointed  out  the  places  tvhere 
I  could  get  a  peep  of  the  fox.  I  saw  him  frequently.  The  Major, 
who  ivas  extremely  polite,  ashed  me  to  go  and  stay  ivith  him  after  1 
leave  here,  and  I  ivouldn''t  mind  going  if  it  wasrCt  forthe  hounds, 
which,  however,  he  says  are  quite  as  fine  as  his  lordship's,  ivithout 
being  so  furiously  and  inconveniently  fast.  For  my  part,  however, 
I  don't  see  the  use  of  hunting  an  animal  that  you  can  shoot,  as  they 
do  in  France.  It  seems  a  ononstrous  ivaste  of  exertion.  If  they 
were  all  as  sore  as  I  am  this  morning,  Fm  sure  they  woukhi't  try 
it  again  in  a  hurry.  I  really  think  racing,  where  you  pay  people 
for  doing  the  dangerous  for  you,  is  much  better  fun,  and  prettier  too, 
for  you  ca7i  choose  any  lively  colour  you  like  for  your  jacket,  instead 
of  having  to  stick  to  scarlet  or  dark  clothes. 

"But  I  tvill  tell  you  about  fox  No.  2.  I  was  riding  with  a  v&i-y 
pretty  young  lady.  Miss  de  Glancey,  whom  the  Earl  had  just 
introduced  me  to,  when  all  of  a  sudden  everybody  seemed  to  be  seized 
with  an  uncontrollable  gallojmig  mania,  and  set  off  as  hard  as  ever 
their  horses  could  lay  legs  to  the  ground.  My  horse,  who  they  said 
was  a  perfect  hunter,  but  who,  I  should  say,  ivas  a  perfect  brute, 
partook  of  the  prevailing  epidemic,  and,  though  he  Jmd  gone  quite 
quietly  enough  before,  now  seized  the  bit  between  his  teeth,  and 
plunged  and  reared  as  though  he  would  either  knock  my  teeth  down 
my  throat,  or  come  back  over  upon  me.  '  Drop  your  hand  !  '  cried 
one.  '  Ease  his  head  !  '  cried  another,  and  ivhat  was  the  consequence? 
He  ran  away  with  me  and,  dashing  through  a  flock  of  turkeys,  nearly 
capsized  an  old  sow. 

"  Then  the  people,  who  had  been  so  civil  before,  all  seemed  to  be 
seized  ivith  the  rudes.  It  was  nothing  but '  g-u-u-r  along,  sir ! 
g-u-u-r  along  !  Hang  it !  don't  you  see  the  hounds  are  running  ! ' 
just  as  if  I  had  made  them  run,  or  as  if  I  could  stop  them.  My 
good  friend,  the  Major,  seemed  to  be  as  excited  as  any  body :  indeed, 
the  only  cool  person  was  Miss  de  Olancey,  who  cantered  away  in  a 
most  unconcerned  manner.  I  am  sorry  to  say  she  came  in  for  a 
desperate  ducking.     It  seems  that  after  I  had  had  as  much  as  I 


ASK    MAMMA.  91 

wanted,  and  pulled  ujp  to  come  home,  they  encountered  a  most  terrific 
ihunder-slorm  i7t  crossing  some  outlandish  moor,  and  as  his  lordship, 
who  didn't  get  home  till  long  after  darlc,  said  she  all  at  once  became 
a  dissolving  view,  and  we7it  away  to  nothing.  Mrs.  Moffatt,  who  is 
stout  and  would  not  easily  dissolve,  seemed  amazingly  tickled  with 
the  johe,  and  said  she  supposed  she  ivould  look  like  a  Mermaid — 
which  his  lordship  said  ivas  exactly  the  case.  When  the  first  roll  of 
thunder  was  heard  here,  the  Earl's  carriage  and  four  ivas  ordered 
out,  with  dry  things,  to  go  in  quest  of  him ;  hut  they  tried  two  of 
his  houses  of  call  before  they  fell  in  with  him.  It  then  had  to  return 
to  take  the  Mermaid  to  her  home,  who  had  to  borrow  the  publican's 
wife's  Sunday  clothes  to  travel  in. 

"  After  dinnrr,  the  stud-groom  cayne  in  to  anuonnce  the  horses  for 
to-day ;  and  hearing  one  named  for  me,  I  begged  to  decline  the 
honour,  on  the  plea  of  having  a  great  many  letters  to  ivrile,  so  Mrs. 
3Ioffatt  accompayiied  his  lordship  to  the  meet,  some  ten  miles  north 
of  this,  in  his  carriage  and  four,  from  whence  she  has  just  returned, 
and  says  they  vent  away  tvith  a  brilUajit  scetit  from  Foxlydiate 
Gorse,  meaning,  I  presume,  with  another  such  clatter  as  we  had 
yesterday.  I  am  glad  I  didnH  go,  for  I  don't  think  I  could  have  got 
071  to  a  horse,  let  alone  sit  one,  especially  at  the  jumps,  which  all  the 
Clods  in  the  country  seem  to  have  clubbed  their  ideas  to  cojicoct. 
Roiigier  says  people  are  always  stiff  after  the  first  day's  hunting ; 
but  if  I  had  thought  I  should  be  as  sore  and  i^tiff  as  I  am,  I  don't 
think  I  ivould  ever  have  taken  a  day,  because  Major  Hammerton 
says  it  is  not  necessary  to  go  out  hunting  iii  the  morning  to  entitle 
one  to  wear  the  dress  uniform  in  the  evening — wliirh  is  really  all  I 
care  for. 

"  7'he  servants  here  seem  to  live  like  fighting-cocks,  from  Jiougier^s 
account;  breakfasts,  luncheo7is,  dinners,  teas,  a7id  sujypers.  They 
sit  doiV7i,  ten  or  a  dozen  at  the  second  table,  cmd  about  thirty  or  so 
in  the  hall,  besides  which  there  are  iw  end  of  people  out  of  doors. 
Rougier  says  they  have  wi7ie  at  the  second  table,  and  eau  de  vie 
])unch  at  night  at  discretion,  of  which,  I  think,  he  takes  7nore  than 
is  discreet,  for  he  ca7ne  swagger lyuj  into  my  rooyn  at  day-brealc  this 
mor7iing,  in  his  evening  dress,  with  his  hat  on,  and  a  great  pewter 
i7ikstand  in  his  hand,  which  he. sot  douii  on  the  dressing-table,  and 
said,  '  dere.  sir,  dere  is  your  sh(tri7i'  rater  ! '  Strange  to  say,  the 
fellow  speaks  better  English  wlnni  hes  druyik  than  he  does  when  he's 
sober.  However,  I  suppose  I  must  have  a  valet,  otherwise  I  should 
think  it  would  be  a  real  kindness  to  give  the  great  lar.y  fellows  here 
sojnething  to  do,  other  than  hangl7ig  about  the  passages  waylayiiig 
the  girls.  I'll  vrllr  yon  again  when  I  know  what  /'m  going  to  do, 
but  J  du7i't  think  1  shall  stay  here  much  longer,  if  I'm  obliged  ta 


92  ASK    MAMMA. 

risk  my  neck  after  these  ridiculous  dogs.    Ever,  my  dearest  Mammci^ 
your  most  affectionate,  hut  excruciatingly  sore,  son. 

•*Wm.  Pringle.** 

The  following  is  Mrs.  Pringle's  answer  ;  who,  it  will  be  seen, 
received  Billy's  last  letter  while  she  was  answering  his  first  one  : — 

"  25,  CUETAIN  Crescent, 
"Bblgkavb  Squabe,  Lokdok. 
"My  own  dearest  William,    ■ 

"  /  was  overjoyed,  my  oivn  darling,  to  receive  your  kind  letter, 
and  hear  that  you  had  arrived  safe,  and  found  his  lordship  so  kind 
and  agreeable.  I  thought  you  had  known  him  by  sight,  or  I  would 
have  prevented  your  making  the  mistake  by  describing  him  to  you. 
However,  there  is  no  harm  done.  In  a  general  ivay,  the  great  man 
of  the  place  is  oftentimes  the  least. — The  most  accessible,  that  is  to  say. 
The  Earl  is  an  excellent,  kind-hearted  man,  and  it  will  do  you  great 
good  among  your  compaiiions  to  be  known  to  be  intimate  with  him, 
for  I  can  assure  you  it  is  not  every  one  he  takes  up  ivith.  Of  course, 
there  are  people  who  abuse  him,  and  say  he  is  this  a)id  that,  and  so 
on ;  but  you  must  take  people — especially  great  ones — as  you  find 
them  in  this  world ;  and  he  is  quite  as  good  as  his  whites  of  their 
eyes  turning-up  neighbours.  DonH,  Jwwever,  presume  on  his 
kindness  by  attemptijig  to  stay  beyond  ichat  he  presses  you  to  do, 
for  ttvo  short  visits  tell  better  than  one  long  one,  looking  as  (hough 
you  had  been  approved  of  You  can  easily  find  out  from  the  butler 
or  the  groom  of  the  chambers,  or  some  of  the  upper  servants,  how  long 
you  are  expected  to  stay,  or  iwhaps  some  of  the  guests  can  tell  you 
how  long  they  are  invited  for. 

"  I  had  ivritten  thus  far  when  your  second  loelcome  letter  arrived, 
and  I  canH  tell  you  how  delighted  I  am  to  hear  you  are  safe  and 
well,  though  Fm  sorry  to  hear  you  donH  like  hunting,  for  I  assure 
you  it  is  the  best  of  all  possible  sports,  and  there  is  none  that  admits 
of  such  elegant  variety  of  costume. 

*^  Look  at  a  shooter, — tvhat  a  ragamuffin  dress  his  is,  hardly 
distinguishable  from  a  keeper ;  and  yachters  and  cricketers  might  be 
taken  for  ticket-of-leave  men.  I  should  be  very  sorry  indeed  if  you 
ivere  not  to  persevere  in  your  hunting ;  for  a  red  coat  and  leathers 
are  quite  your  become,  and  there  is  none,  in  my  opinion,  m  tohich  a 
gentleman  looks  so  well,  or  a  snob  so  ill.  Learning  to  hunt  cati't 
be  more  disagreeable  than  learning  to  sail  or  to  smoke,  and  see  hoiv 
7nany  hundreds — thousands  I  may  say— overcome  the  difficulty 
every  year,  and  blow  their  clouds,  as  they  call  them,  on  the  quarter- 
deck, as  though  they  had  been  born  sailors  with  pipes  in  their 
mouths.     Remember,  if  you  can't  manage  to  sil  your  horse,  you'' II  b« 


ASK    MAMMA.  dd 

/it  for  nothing  but  a  seat  in  Parliament  along  with  Captain  Catlap 
and  the  other  incurables.  I  carCl  think  there  can  be  much  difficulty 
in  the  matter,  judging  from  the  h<,mpy  wash-balleg  sort  of  men  one 
hears  talking  about  it.  I  should  think  if  you  had  a  horse  of  your 
own,  you  would  be  able  to  make  better  out.  Whatever  you  do, 
however,  have  nothitig  to  do  with  racing.  It's  only  for  rogues  and 
people  ivho  have  more  money  than  they  know  what  to  do  with,  and 
to  whom  it  doesnH  matter  whether  they  win  or  they  lose.  We  musn't 
have  you  selling  up  a  confidential  crossing-siveeper  with  a  gold  eye- 
glass. No  gentleman  need  expect  to  make  money  on  the  turf,  for  if 
rjou  were  to  win  they  wouldn't  pay  you,  whereas,  if  you  lose  it's 
quite  a  different  thing.  One  of  the  beauties  of  hunting  is  that  people 
have  no  inducement  to  poison  each  other  ;  ivhereas  in  racing,  from 
poisoning  horses  they  have  got  to  poisoning  men,  besides  which  one 
party  must  lose  if  the  other  is  to  win.  Mutual  advantage  is 
impossible.  Another  thing,  if  you  were  to  win  ever  so,  the  traitier 
would  always  keep  his  Utile  bill  in  advance  of  your  gains,  or  he 
would  be  a  very  bad  trainer. 

"I  hope  Major  Hammerton  is  a  gentleman  of  station,  whose 
acquaintance  will  do  you  good,  though  the  name  is  not  very 
aristocratic — Hamilton  would  have  been  better.  Are  there  any 
3[iss  H.'s  ?  Remember  there  are  abcaj/s  forward  people  in  the 
world,  tvho  think  to  advance  themselves  by  taking  strangers  by  the 
hand,  and  that  a  bad  introduction  is  far  icorse  than  none.  Above 
all,  never  ask  to  be  introduced  to  a  great  man.  Great  people  have 
their  eyes  and  ears  about  them  just  as  well  as  little  ones,  and  if  they 
choose  to  know  you,  they  will  make  the  advance.  Asking  to  be 
introduced  only  prejudices  them  againd  you,  and  generally  insures 
a  cut  at  the  first  opportunilg. 

*'  Biivare  of  Miss  de  Glancey.  She  is  a  most  determined  coquette, 
and  if  she  had  fifty  suitors,  wouldn't  be  happy  if  she  saw  another 
womati  with  one,  without  trying  to  get  him  from  her.  She  hasn't 
a  halfpenny.  If  you  see  her  again,  ask  her  if  she  knows  Mr. 
Hotspur  Smith,  or  Mr.  Enoch  Benson,  or  Mr.  Woodhorn,  and  tell 
me  how  she  looks.  What  is  she  doing  down  there  ?  Surely  she 
hasn't  the  vajiity  to  think  she  can  captivate  the  Earl.  You  needn't 
mention  me  to  Mrs.  Moffatt,  but  I  should  like  to  know  ivhat  she  has 
on,  and  also  if  there  are  any  new  dishes  for  dinner.  Indeed,  the  less 
you  talk  about  your  belongings  the  better ;  for  the  ivorld  has  but 
two  ways,  that  of  running  people  down  much  below  their  real  level, 
or  of  extolling  them  much  beyond  their  deserts.  Remember,  well-bred 
people  always  take  breeding  for  granted,  '  one  of  tis,'  as  they  sag  in 
ottiers  when  they  find  t/iem  at  good  houses,  and  as  you  have  a  good 
name,  you  have  nothin'i  to  d,i  hut  hold  your  tongue,  and  the  chancts 
are  they  will  estimatt  ijau  at  far  more  than  your  real  icortU. 


94  ASK    MAMMA, 

"4  valet  is  alsolutely  indispensabU  for  a  young  gentUmaft. 
Bless  you  !  you  ivould  le  thought  nothing  of  among  the  servants  if 
you  hadnH  one.  They  are  their  masters'  Incmpeters.  A  valet, 
especially  a  French  one,  putting  on  two  clean  shirts  a  day,  and 
calling  for  Burgundy  after  your  cheese,  are  about  the  most  imposing 
thitigs  in  the  lower  regions.  In  small  places,  giving  as  much  trouble 
as  possible,  and  asking  for  things  you  think  they  MvenHgot,  is  very 
well ;  but  this  will  not  do  where  you  now  are.  In  a  general  way, 
it  is  a  bad  plan  talcing  servants  to  great  houses,  for,  as  they  all 
measure  their  own  places  by  the  best  they  have  ever  seen,  and  never 
think  how  many  much  ivorse  ones  there  are,  they  come  back 
discontented,  and  are  seldom  good  for  much  until  they  have  undergone 
a  quarter's  starving  or  so,  out  of  place.  It  is  a  good  thing  when  the 
great  man  of  a  country  sets  an  example  of  prudence  and  economy, 
for  then  all  others  can  quote  him,  instead  of  having  the  bad  practices 
of  other  places  raked  up  as  authority  for  introducing  them  itito 
theirs.  The  Earl,  however,  would  never  be  able  to  get  through  half 
his  income  if  he  ivas  not  to  ivink  at  a  little  prodigality,  and  the 
consumption  of  wine  in  great  houses  would  be  a  mere  nothing  if  it 
was  mt  for  the  assistance  of  the  servants.  Indeed,  the  higher  you 
get  into  society,  the  less  wine  you  get,  until  you  might  expect  to  see 
it  run  out  to  nothing  at  a  Duke's.  I  dare  say  Rougier  will  be  fond 
of  drink,  a^id  the  English  servants  will  perhaps  be  fond  of  plying 
him  with  it;  but,  so  long  as  he  does  not  get  incompetent,  a  little 
jollity  on  his  part  will  make  them  more  communicative  before  him, 
and  it  is  wonderful  ivhat  servants  can  tell.  They  know  everything 
in  the  kitchen — nothing  in  the  parlour.  His  lordsJdp,  I  believe, 
doesn't  allow  strange  servants  to  wait  except  upon  very  full  occasions, 
otherwise  it  might  be  well  to  put  Rougier  under  the  surveillance  of 
Beverage,  the  butler,  lest  he  should  come  into  the  room  drunk  and 
incompetent,  ivhich  would  be  very  disagreeable. 

"  I  enclose  you  a  gold  fox-head  pi?i  to  give  Mr.  Boggledike,  who 
doesn't  take  money,  at  least  nothifig  under  61,  and  this  only  costs 
18s.  He  is  a  favourite  with  his  lordship,  and  it  will  be  well  to  be 
in  u'ilh  him.  You  had  better  give  the  men  who  tvhip  the  hounds  a 
trifle,  say  10s.  cr  half-a-sovereign  each — gold  looks  better  than 
silver.  If  you  go  to  Major  Hammerton' s  you  must  let  me  know  ; 
but  perhaps  you  ivill  inquire  further  before  you  fix.  And  now,  hoping 
thai  you  will  stick  to  your  hunting,  and  be  more  successful  on 
another  horse  after  a  quieter  fox,  believe  me  ever,  my  own  dearest 
William,  your  most  truly  and  sincerely  affectionate  mother, 

"  Emma  Pringle. 

"  P.S. — DonH  forget  the  two  clean  shirts. 

"  P.S. —  ^Yllcn   you  give   Dicky  Boggledike    the  pin,    you    can 


ASK    MAMMA.  95 

tomptmmt  him  on  his  talents  as  a  himtsmuii  (as  Mr.  Redpath  dia 
the  actor) ;  and  as  they  say  he  is  a  veiy  bad  one,  he  will  he  all  the 
more  grateful  for  it. 

"  P.S. — /  have  just  had  another  most  ^n-essing  letter  from  your 
uncle  Jerry,  urging  me  to  go  and  looh  through  all  the  accounts  and 
papers,  as  he  says  it  is  not  fair  throwing  such  a  heavy  responsibility 
upon  him.  Poor  man  I  He  need  not  he  sop-essing.  He  little 
knows  how  anxious  I  am  to  do  it.  I  hope  now  we  shall  get 
something  satisfactory,  for  as  yet  I  know  no  more  than  I  did  before 
your  poor  father  died. 

"  P.S. — DonH  forget  to  tell  me  if  there  are  any  Miss  Hh,  and 
whatever  you  do,  take  care  ofDowb,  that  is,  yourself'' 

But  somehow  Billy  forgot  to  tell  his  Mamma  whether  there 
were  any  Miss  H.'s  or  not,  though  he  might  have  said  "  No," 
seeing  they  were  Miss  "  Y.'s." 

And  now,  while  our  hero  is  recovering  from  his  bruises,  let  us 
introduce  the  reader  further  to  his  next  host.  Major  Y. 


CHAPTER    XV. 

MAJOR   YAMMERTON'S   COACH    STOPS   THE    WAY, 

Major  Yammerton  was  rather  a  peculiar  man,  inasmuch  as 
he  was  an  Ass,  without  being  a  Fool.  He  was  an  Ass  for  always 
puffing  and  inflating  himself,  while  as  regarded  worldly  knowledge, 
particularly  that  comprised  in  the  magic  letters  £.  s.  d.,  few,  if 
any,  were  his  equals.  In  the  former  department,  he  was  always 
either  on  the  strut  or  the  fret,  always  either  proclaiming  the 
marked  attention  he  had  met  with,  or  worrying  himself  with 
the  idea  that  he  had  not  had  enough.  At  home,  instead  of 
offering  people  freely  and  hospitably  what  he  had,  he  was 
continually  boring  them  with  apologies  for  what  he  had  not. 
Just  as  if  all  men  were  expected  to  have  things  alike,  or  as  if  the 
Major  was  an  injured  innocent  who  had  been  defi'auded  of  his 
rights.  If  l)e  was  not  boring  and  apologising,  then  he  was  puffing 
or  praisinc^  evorything  indiscriminately — depending,  of  course, 
upon  who  he  bad  there — a  great  gun  or  a  little  one. 

He  returned  from  bis  Tantivy  Castle  bunt,  very  much  pleased 
with  our  Billy,  who  seemed  to  be  just  the  man  for  his  money,  and 
liy  the  aid  of  his  Biironeta^-e  he  made  him  out  to  be  very  highly 
connected.  ^Irs.  Yaniinorton  and  the  young  ladies  were  equally 
delighted   with  him,    and   it  was  unanimously  resolved  that  he 


96  ASK     MAMMA. 

should  be  invited  to  the  Grange,  for  which  pui-pose  the  standing 
order  of  the  house  "  never  to  invite  any  one  direct  from  a  great  house 
to  theirs,"  was  suspended.  A  very  salutary  rule  it  is  for  all  who 
study  appearances,  seeing  that  what  looks  very  well  one  way  may 
look  very  shady  the  other ;  but  this  being  perhaps  a  case  of  *'  now 
or  never,"  the  exception  would  seem  to  have  been  judiciously  made. 
The  heads  of  the  house  had  different  objects  in  view  ;  Mamma's, 
of  course,  being  matrimonial,  the  Major's,  the  laudable  desire  to 
sell  Mr.  Pringle  a  horse.  And  the  mention  of  Mamma's  object 
leads  us  to  the  young  ladies. 

These,  Clara,  Flora,  and  Harriet,  were  very  pretty,  and  very 
highly  educated — that  is  to  say,  they  could  do  everything  that  is 
useless — play,  draw,  sing,  dance,  make  wax-flowers,  bead-stands,  do 
decorative  gilding,  and  crochet-work ;  but  as  to  knowing  how 
many  ounces  there  are  in  a  pound  of  tea,  or  how  many  pounds  of 
meat  a  person  should  eat  in  a  day,  they  were  utterly,  entirely,  and 
most  elegantly  ignorant.  Towards  the  close  of  the  last  century, 
and  at  the  beginning  of  the  present  one,  ladies  ran  entirely  to  domes- 
ticity, pickling,  preserving,  and  pressing  people  to  eat.  Corded 
petticoats  and  patent  mangles  long  formed  the  staple  of  a  mid  life 
woman's  conversation.  Presently  a  new  era  sprang  up,  which 
banished  everything  in  the  shape  of  utilitarianism,  and  taught  the 
then  rising  generation  that  the  less  they  knew  of  domestic  matters 
the  finer  ladies  they  would  be,  until  we  really  believe  the 
daughters  of  the  nobility  are  better  calculated  for  wives,  simply 
because  they  are  generally  economically  brought  up,  and  are  not 
afraid  of  losing  caste,  by  knowing  what  every  woman  ought  to  do. 
No  man  thinks  the  worse  of  a  woman  for  being  able  to  manage 
her  house,  while  few  men  can  afford  to  marry  mere  music-stools 
and  embroidery  frames.  Mrs.  Yammerton,  however,  took  a 
different  view  of  the  matter.  She  had  been  brought  up  in  the 
patent  mangle  and  corded  petticoat  school,  and  inwardly  resolved 
that  her  daughters  should  know  nothing  of  the  sort — should  be 
"  real  ladies,"  in  the  true  kitchen  acceptation  of  the  term. 
Hence  they  were  mistresses  of  all  the  little  accomplishments 
before  enumerated,  which,  with  making  calls  and  drinking  tea, 
formed  the  principal  occupation  of  their  lives.  Net  one  of  them 
could  write  a  letter  without  a  copy,  and  were  all  very  uncertain  in 
their  spelling — though  they  knew  to  a  day  when  every  King  and 
Queen  began  to  reign,  and  could  spout  all  the  chief  towns  in  the 
kingdom.  Now  this  miglit  have  been  all  very  well,  at  least 
bearable,  if  the  cockey  Major  had  had  plenty  of  money  to  give 
them,  but  at  the  time  they  were  acquiring  them,  the  "  contrary 
was  tlic  case,"  as  the  lawyers  say.  Tl;e  Major's  grandfather  (his 
father  died  when  he  was  young)  had  gone  upon  the  old  anncxa- 


ASK    MAMMA. 


97 


tion  principle  of  buyiii.ti"  liiiid  and  buying  land  simply  because  "it 
juiued,"  and  not  always  having  the  cash  to  pay  for  it  with,  our 
iVIajor  came  into  an  estate  (large  or  small,  according  as  the  reader 


\M\1I  ILl'iN,— ■■  nil:    TIIRFK   (IRACK- 


has  more  or  less  of  his  own)  saddled  wiili  a  good,  stout,  liruily 
setting  mortgage.  Land,  however,  being  the  only  beast  of  burthen 
that  dues  not  show  what  it  carries,  oni-  orphan — orphan  in  top- 
boots  to  l)e  sure — passed  for  his  best,  and  was  speedily  snaii])ed  up 
bv  the  then  beautiful.  Italian-Hki'  Miss  WiiiuiiiutiHi.  who  eijiisoled 


98  ASK    MAMMA. 

herself  for  the  collapse  of  his  fortune,  by  the  reflection  that  she 
had  nothing  of  her  own.  Perhaps,  too,  she  had  made  allowance 
for  the  exaggeration  of  estimates,  which  generally  rate  a  man  at 
three  or  four  times  his  worth.  The  Winningtons,  however, 
having  made  a  great  "  crow  "  at  the  "  catch,"  the  newly-married 
couple  started  at  score  as  if  the  estate  had  nothing  to  carry  but 
themselves. 

In  due  time  the  three  graces  appeared, — Clara,  very  fair,  with 
large  languishing  blue  eyes  and  light  hair  ;  Flora,  with  auburn 
hair  and  hazel  eyes  ;  and  Harriet,  tall,  clear,  and  dark,  like 
Mamma.  As  they  grew  up,  and  had  had  their  heads  made  into 
Almanacs  at  home,  they  were  sent  to  the  celebrated  Miss  Featherey's 
finishing  and  polishing  seminary  at  Westbourne  Grove,  who  for 
200?.  a-year,  or  as  near  200?.  as  she  could  get,  taught  them  all  the 
airs  and  graces,  particularly  how  to  get  in  and  out  of  a  carriage 
properly,  how  to  speak  to  a  doctor,  how  to  a  counter-skipper,  how 
to  a  servant,  and  so  on.  The  Major,  we  may  state,  had  his  throe 
daughters  taken  as  two.  Well,  just  as  Miss  Harriet  was  supplying 
the  place  of  Miss  Clara  (polished),  that  great  agricultural  revolu- 
tion, the  repeal  of  the  corn  laws,  took  place,  and  our  Major,  who 
had  regarded  his  estate  more  Avith  an  eye  to  its  hunting  and 
shooting  capabilities  than  to  high  farming,  very  soon  found  it 
slipping  away  from  him,  just  as  Miss  de  Glancey  slipped  away  from 
her  dress  in  the  thunder-storm.  Up  to  that  time,  his  easy-minded 
agent,  Mr.  BuUrush,  a  twenty  stone  man  of  sixty  years  of  age,  had 
thought  the  perfection  of  management  was  not  to  let  an  estate  go 
back,  but  now  the  Major's  seemed  likely  to  slip  through  its  girths 
altogether.  To  be  sure,  it  had  not  had  any  great  assistance  in  tlie 
advancing  Une,  and  was  just  the  same  sour,  rush-grown,  poachy, 
snipe-shooting  looking  place  that  it  was  when  the  ]\Iajor  got  it  ; 
but  this  was  not  his  grandfather's  ftxult,  who  had  buried  as 
many  stones  in  great  gulf-like  drains,  as  would  have  carried  off  a 
river  and  walled  the  estate  all  round  into  the  bargain  ;  but  there 
was  no  making  head  against  wet  land  with  stone  drains,  the  bit  you 
cured  only  showing  the  wetness  of  the  rest.  The  blotchy  March 
fallows  looked  as  if  they  had  got  the  small  pox,  the  pastures  were 
hardly  green  before  Midsummer,  and  the  greyhound-like  cattle 
that  wandered  over  them  were  evidently  of  Pharaoh's  lean  sort, 
and  looked  as  if  they  would  never  be  ready  for  the  butcher. 
Foreign  cattle,  too,  were  coming  in  fi'ee,  and  the  old  cry  of  "  down 
corn,  down  horn,"  frightened  the  fabulously  famed  "  stout  British 
farmer  "  out  of  his  wits. 

Then  those  valuable  documents  called  leases— so  binding  on  the 
landlord,  were  found  to  be  wholly  inoperative  on  the  tenants,  who 
threw  up  their  farms  as  if  there  were  no  such  things  in  existence, 


ASK    MAMMA.  99 

If  the  Major  wouldn't  take  their  givings  up,  why  then  he  might 
just  do  his  "  warst  ;  "  meanwhile,  of  course,  they  would  "  dc  their 
warst,"  by  the  land.  With  those  who  had  nothing  (farming  and 
beer-shop  keeping  being  about  the  only  trades  a  man  can  start 
with  upon  nothing),  of  course,  it  was  of  no  use  persisting,  but  the 
awkward  part  of  the  thing  was,  that  this  probing  of  pockets  showed 
that  in  too  many  cases  the  reputed  honesty  of  the  British  farmer 
was  also  mere  fiction  ;  for  some  who  were  thought  to  be  well  off, 
now  declared  that  their  capital  was  their  aunt's,  or  their  uncle's, 
or  their  grandmother's,  or  some  one  else's,  so  that  the  two  classes, 
the  have-somethings,  and  the  have-nothings,  were  reduced  to  a 
level.  This  sort  of  thing  went  on  throughout  the  country,  and 
landlords  who  could  not  face  the  difficulty  by  taking  their  estates 
in  hand,  had  to  submit  to  very  serious  reductions  of  rent,  and 
rent  once  got  down,  is  very  difficult  to  get  up  again,  especially  in 
countries  where  they  value  by  the  rate-book,  or  where  a  tradi- 
tionary legend  attaches  to  land  of  the  lowest  rent  it  has  ever  been 
let  for. 

Our  Major  was  sorely  dispirited,  and  each  market-day,  as  he 
returned  from  Mr.  Bullrush's  with  worse  and  worse  news  than 
before,  he  pondered  o'er  his  misfortunes,  fearing  that  he  would 
have  to  give  up  his  hounds  and  his  horses,  withdraw  his  daughters 
from  Miss  Featherey's,  and  go  to  Boulogne,  and  as  he  contem- 
plated the  airy  outline  of  their  newly-erected  rural  palace  of  a 
workhouse,  he  said  it  was  lucky  they  had  built  it,  for  he  thought 
they  would  all  very  soon  be  in  it.  Certainly,  things  got  to  their 
worst  in  the  farming  way,  before  they  began  to  mend,  and  such 
land  as  the  Major's — good,  but  "  salivated  with  wet,"  as  the  cab- 
man said  of  his  coat — was  scarcely  to  be  let  at  any  price. 

In  these  go-a-head  days  of  farming,  when  the  enterprising  sons 
of  trade  are  fast  obliterating  the  traces  of  the  heavy-heel'd  order 
of  easy-minded  Hodges  who, 

' held  their  farms  and  lived  content 

While  one  year  paid  another's  rent," 

without  ever  making  any  attempt  at  improvement,  it  may  be 
amusing  to  record  the  business-like  offer  of  some  of  those  indolent 
worthies  who  would  bid  for  a  pig  in  a  poke.  Thus  it  runs  : — It 
should  have  been  dated  April  1,  instead  of  21  : — 

•'  TO    MAJOR     YAMMERTON. 
,1  r\    .         CI  "  TTohnarl  ITiU,  April  21. 

"  Wheas  We  have  consulted  we  shall  give  you  for  Bonnyrig'i 
farme  the  som  £100  25  puns  upon  co7idishinds  per  year  if  yr"  should 


100  ASK    MAMMA. 

think  it  to  liitU  we  may  perJiaps  advance  a  little  as  we  have  noi 
looked  her  carefully  over  her  and  for  cluiracker  Mr.  Soiverby  u-ill 
give  you  every  information  as  we  are  the  third  giniration  thaVs  been 
under  the  Sowerhys. 

"  Yours  sincerely f 

"Henerey  Brown, 
"HoMFRAY  Brown — Co. 

"  If  you  want  anye  ofes  T  could  sell  you  fifteen  bowels  of  veryt 
fine  ones." 

Now  the  "som  £100  25  puns"  being  less  than  half  what  the 
Major's  grandfather  used  to  get  for  the  farm : — viz.  "  £200  63 
puns," — our  Major  was  considerably  perplexed  ;  and  as  "  Henerey 
and  Homfray  "'s  offer  was  but  a  sample  of  the  whole,  it  became  a 
question  between  Boulogne  and  Bastile,  as  those  once  unpopular 
edifices,  the  workhouses,  were  then  called.  And  here  we  may 
observe,  that  there  is  nothing  perhaps,  either  so  manageable  or  so 
unmanageable  as  land — nothing  easier  to  keep  right  than  land  in 
good  order,  and  nothing  more  difficult  to  get  by  the  head,  and 
stop,  than  land  that  has  run  wild  ;  and  it  may  be  laid  down  as  an 
infallible  rule,  that  the  man  who  has  no  taste  for  land  or  horses 
should  have  nothing  to  do  with  either.  He  should  put  his  money 
in  the  funds,  and  rail  or  steam  v,'hen  he  has  occasion  to  travel. 
He  will  be  far  richer,  far  fatter,  and  fill  the  bay  window  of  hia 
club  far  better,  than  by  undergoing  the  grinding  of  farmers  and 
the  tyranny  of  grooms.  Land,  like  horses,  when  once  in  condi- 
tion is  easily  kept  so,  but  once  let  either  go  down,  and  the  owner 
becomes  a  prey  to  the  scratchers  and  the  copers. 

If,  however,  a  man  likes  a  little  occupation  better  than  the 
eternal  gossip,  and  "  tvho^s  that  ? "  of  the  clubs,  and  prefers  a 
smiling  improving  landscape  to  a  barren  retrograding  scene,  he 
will  find  no  pleasanter,  healthier,  or  more  interesting  occupation 
than  improving  his  property.  And  a  happy  thing  it  was  for  this 
kingdom,  that  Prince  Albert  who  has  done  so  much  to  refine  and 
elevate  mankind,  should  have  included  farming  in  the  list  of  his 
amusements, — bringing  the  before  despised  pursuit  into  favour 
and  fashion,  so  that  now  instead  of  land  remaining  a  prey  to  the 
"  Henerey  Browns  &  Co."  of  life,  we  find  gentlemen  advertising 
for  farms  in  all  directions,  generally  stipulating  that  they  are  to  be 
on  the  line  of  one  or  other  of  the  once  derided  railways. 

But  we  are  getting  in  advance  of  the  times  with  our  Major, 
whom  we  lefl  in  the  slough  of  despond,  consequent  on  the  coming 
down  of  his  rents.  Just  when  things  were  at  their  worst,  the 
first  sensible  sunbeam  of  simplicity  that  ever  shone  upon  land, 


ASK    MAMMA.  101 

appeared  in  the  shape  of  the  practical,  easy-working  Drainage 
Act,  an  act  that  has  advanced  agriculture  more  than  all  previous 
inventions  and  legislation  put  together.  But  our  gallant  friend 
had  his  difficulties  to  contend  with  even  here. 

Mr.  BuUrush  was  opposed  to  it.  He  was  fat  and  didn't  like 
trouble,  so  he  doubted  the  capacity  of  such  a  pocket  companion  as 
a  pipe  to  carry  off  the  superfluous  water,  then  he  doubted  the 
ability  of  the  water  to  get  into  the  pipe  at  such  a  depth,  above  all 
he  doubted  the  ability  of  the  tenants  to  pay  drainage  interests. 
"  How  could  they  if  they  couldn't  pay  their  rents  ?  "  Of  course, 
the  tenants  adopted  this  view  of  the  matter,  and  were  all  opposed 
to  making  what  they  called  "  experiences,"  at  their  own  expense  ; 
so  upon  the  whole,  Mr.  Bullrush  advised  the  Major  to  have 
nothing  to  do  with  it.  It  being,  however,  a  case  of  necessity  with 
the  Major,  he  disregarded  Mr.  Bullrush's  advice  which  led  to  a 
separation,  and  being  now  a  free  agent,  he  went  boldly  at  the 
government  loan,  and  soon  scared  all  the  snipes  and  half  the 
tenants  off  his  estate.  The  water  poured  off  in  torrents ;  the 
plump  juicy  rushes  got  the  jaundice,  and  ]\rossington  bog,  over 
which  the  Major  used  to  have  to  scuttle  on  foot  after  his  "haryers," 
became  sound  enough  to  carry  a  horse.  Then  as  Mr.  Bullrush 
rode  by  and  saw  each  dreary  swamp  become  sound  ground,  he 
hugged  himself  with  the  sloven's  consolation  that  it  "  wouldn't 
p-a-a-y."  Pay,  however,  it  did,  for  our  Major  next  went  and  got 
some  stout  horses,  and  the  right  sort  of  implements  of  agriculture, 
and  soon  proved  the  truth  of  the  old  adage,  that  it  is  better  to 
follow  a  sloven  than  a  scientific  farmer.  He  worked  his  land  well, 
cleaned  it  well,  and  manured  it  well ;  in  which  three  simple  opera- 
tions consists  the  whole  science  of  husbandry,  and  instead  of 
growing  turnips  for  pickling,  as  his  predecessors  seemed  to  do,  he 
got  great  healthy  Swedes  that  loomed  as  large  as  his  now  fashion- 
able daughter's  dresses.  He  grew  as  many  "  bowels  "  of  oats  upon 
one  acre  of  land  as  any  previous  tenant  had  done  upon  three.  So 
altogether,  our  Major  throve,  and  instead  of  going  to  Boulogne, 
he  presently  set  up  the  Cockaded  Coach  in  which  we  saw  him 
arrive  at  Tantivy  Castle.  Not  that  he  went  to  a  coachmaker's 
and  said,  "  Build  me  a  roomy  family  coach  regardless  of  expense  ;" 
but,  finding  that  he  couldn't  get  an  inside  seat  along  with  the 
thirty-six  yard  dresses  in  the  old  chariot,  he  dropped  in  at  the  sale 
of  the  late  Squire  Trefoil's  effects,  who  had  given  some  such  order, 
and,  under  pretence  of  buying  a  shower-bath,  succeeded  in  getting 
a  capital  large  coach  on  its  first  wheels  for  ten  pounds, — scarcely 
the  value  of  the  pole. 

As  a  contrast  to  Henerey  Brown  and  Co.'s  business-like  offer 
for  the  farm,  and  in  illustration  of  the  difference  between  buying 


102  ASK    MAMMA. 

;ind   sellinj^,  Ave  apjicnd  the  verbose  estimate  of   this  ponderonft 
affuir.    Thus  it  runs — 

HENRY    TREFOIL,    ESQ. 

To   CIIALKER   AND   CnARGER 

coachmakebs,  bt  appointment,  to  tue  emperor  op  china,  thb 
Emperor  of  Morocco,  the  King  of  Oude,  the  King  of  the 
Cannibal  Islands,  &c.,  &c.,  &c.,  &c. 

Zo»fj  Acre,  London. 
(Followed  by  all  the  crowns,  arms,  orders,  flourish,  and  flannel, 
peculiar  to  aristocratic  tradesmen.) 

I'lSTiMATE  of  a  new  highly-finished  Coach,  of  the  best  materials  and  worit- 
manship,  Steps  trimmed  with  Morocco,  neatly  welted  and  recessed  into 
Doors,  Seats  wove  with  Cane  and  Trunks  under  them,  Venetian  Blinds, 
Silk  Spring  Curtains,  best  Plate  Glasses,  the  Frames  covered  with  black 
Velvet ;  private  Locks  to  doors  and  bolts  to  Blind,  Silver  plated  or 
polished  Brass  bead  Mouldings  round  upper  framing.  Door  Handles, 
and  two  handsome  Lamps.  The  Lining  of  fine  cloth,  trimmed  with  a 
fashionable  Lace  and  Morocco  or  rich  silk  Taberette  to  side  and  back 
Squabs,  and  to  the  Tops  of  Cushions ;  the  whole  stuffed  with  best  curled 
hair,  and  quilted,  and  a  handsome  Carpet  to  bottom  and  Steps.  The 
Body  suspended  on  a  light  fashionable  Compass  Perch. 

£      t.  a. 

Carriage,  with  best  steel  Springs,  Jacks  and  Braces  to  the  Backs, 
wrought-iron  Axletrccs  with  Case-hardened  Arms  and  Boxes, 
Wheels  hooped  with  solid  tyre  and  alternate  Spokes,  a 
Barouche  Seat  attached  to  forepart  of  P)ody,  and  a  swinging 
Footboard  to  the  hind  part.  Tlie  whole  well  secured  with 
best  Iron,  and  neatly  carved,  painted  any  colour,  with  Arms 
and  Crest  on  doors,  and  high  varnished  and  polished      .        .     290     0     0 

If  a  Platform  Boot  attached  to  forepart  of  Body,  with  strong 
compass  iron-work        ......... 

Compass  Head,  Standards,  and  Footman's  Cushion 

Four  Lace  Holders  for  Footman 

Hind  Boot  and  Seat  trimmed  with  Cloth  and  Lace  to  match, 
and  a  Knee  Boot  and  Drop  Box  ..... 

Drag  Chain  and  Shoe       .         .         .         : 

To  three  new  large  Imperial?,  made  to  cover  the  whole  of  Roof: 
the  centre  one  made  extra  deep,  covered  with  Leather,  lined 
vrith  Linen,  and  fixing  with  Straps,  Buckles,  and  Staples 

To  three  covers  for  do.  of  strong  Floorcloth,  welted  with  Leather 

To  a  new  Wheel  Wiench  ........ 

To  a  Cover  for  Body,  and  made  to  go  over  front  Seat,  of  fine 
brown  Holland .  ..370 

To  packing  up  the  Body  with  mats,  and  a  large  piece  of  Floor- 
cloth to  go  over  the  whole,  and  covering  part  of  the  Carriage 
with  paper  mats  and  hayhands.  A  man  and  horse  taking  it 
to  the  Fusion  station  ami  expences 6  18     0 


11  H 

12  18 
2  14 

0 
0 
0 

31   10 
2  10 

0 
0 

21     0 
3  19 

0  10 

0 
0 
0 

£390    0    0 


Deduct  for  Monev  7 J  per  cent. 


ASK    MAMMA. 


103 


Three  huiidred  and  ninety  pounds !  And  to  think  that  the 
whole  should  come  to  be  sold  for  ten  sovereigns.  Oh,  what  a 
tailing  off  was  there,  my  coachmakers  !  Surely  the  King  of  the 
Cannibal  Islands  could  never  afford  to  pay  such  prices  as  those  ! 
Verily,  Sir  Robert  Peel  was  right  when  he  said  that  there  was  no 
class  of  tradespeople  whose  bills  wanted  reforming  so  much  as 
coachmakers.  What  ridiculous  price  they  make  wood  and  iron 
assume,  and  what  absurd  offers  they  make  when  you  go  to  them 
to  sell  ! 


CHAPTER    XVI. 


THE    :\IAJORS  MEN'AGK. 


village  blacksmith  uf  Billinghurst  when  he  was  at 
so  calculates,  then  lie  would  be  right  ns  tn  time 
t(i  money,  for  the  blacksmith  paid  his  share  of  tlit 
the  greater  part  of  the  food.     l-"ur  iliii'iv  yeai 


ND  first  about 
the  "har- 
yers!"  "Five- 
and  -thirty 
years  master 
of  haryers 
without  a  sub- 
scription I  " 

T  h  i  s,  w  e 
think,  is 
rather  an  ex- 
aggeration, 
both  as  re- 
gards time 
and  money, 
unlessthe  Ma- 
jor reckons  an 
u  n  d  i  vide  d 
moiety  he  had 
in  an  old  lady- 
liound  called 
"  Lavender" 
along  with  the 
scliool.  If  he 
but  wrong  as 
■  tax.  and  found 
we  need  lianlly 

1 


104  ASK    MAMMA. 

tell  the  reader  of  sporting  literature,  that  the  Major  had  been  a 
master  of  harriers — for  well  has  he  blown  the  horn  of  their 
celebrity  during  the  whole  of  that  long  period — never  were  such 
harriers  for  finding  jack  hares,  and  pushing  them  through  parishes 
innumerable,  making  them  take  rivers,  and  run  as  straight  as  rail- 
ways, putting  the  costly  performances  of  the  foxhounds  altogether 
to  the  blush.  Ten  miles  from  point  to  point,  and  generally  with- 
out a  turn,  is  the  usual  style  of  thing,  the  last  run  with  this  dis- 
tinguished pack  being  always  unsurpassed  by  any  previous  per- 
formance. Season  after  season  has  the  sporting  world  been 
startled  with  these  surprising  announcements,  until  red-coated 
men,  tired  of  blanks  and  ringing  foxes,  have  almost  said,  "  Dash 
my  buttons,  if  I  won't  shut  up  shop  here  and  go  and  hunt  with 
these  tremendous  harriers,"  while  other  currant-jelly  gentlemen, 
whose  hares  dance  the  fandango  before  their  plodding  pack,  have 
sighed  for  some  of  these  wonderful "  Jacks  "  that  never  make  a 
curve,  or  some  of  the  astonishing  hounds  that  have  such  a  knack 
at  making  them  fly. 

Well,  but  the  reader  will,  perhaps,  say  it's  the  blood  that  does 
it — the  Major  has  an  unrivalled,  unequalled  strain  of  harrier 
blood  that  nobody  else  can  procure.  Nothing  of  the  sort ! 
Nothing  of  the  sort !  The  Major's  blood  is  just  anything  he  can 
get.  lie  never  misses  a  chance  of  selling  either  a  single  hound  or 
a  pack,  and  has  emptied  his  kennel  over  and  over  again.  But 
then  he  always  knows  where  to  lay  hands  on  more  ;  and  as  soon 
as  ever  the  new  hounds  cross  his  threshold  they  become  the  very 
"  best  in  the  world " — better  than  any  he  ever  had  before. 
They  then  figure  upon  paper,  just  as  if  it  was  a  continuous 
pack;  and  the  field  being  under  pretty  good  command,  and, 
moreover,  implicated  in  the  honour  of  their  performances,  the 
thing  goes  on  smoothly  and  well,  and  few  are  any  the  wiser. 
There  is  nothing  so  popular  as  a  little  fuss  and  excitement,  in 
which  every  man  may  take  his  share,  and  this  it  is  that  makes 
scratch  packs  so  celebrated.  Their  followers  see  nothing  but 
their  perfections.     They  are 

"  To  tlicir  faults  a  little  blind, 
And  to  tlieir  virtues  ever  kind." 

At  the  period  of  which  we  are  writing-,  the  ]\Iajor's  pack  was 
rather  better  than  usual,  being  composed  of  the  pick  of  three 
packs, — "cries  of  dogs"  ratlier — viz.,  the  Corkycove  harriers, 
kept  by  the  shoemakers  of  Waxley  ;  the  Bog-trotter  harriers  (four 
couple),  kept  by  some  moor-edge  miners  ;  the  Dribbleford  dogs, 
upon  whom  nobody  would  pay  the  tax  ;  and  of  some  two  or  three 
couple   of  incurables,  that   had  been  consigned    from   dillcreut 


ASK    MAMMA.  105 

kennelB  on  condition  of  the  Major  returning  the  hampers  in 
which  they  came. 

The  Major  was  open  to  general  consignments  in  the  canine  line 
— Hounds,  Pointers,  Setters,  Terriers,  &c. — not  being  of  George 
the  Third's  way  of  thinking,  who  used  to  denounce  all  "  presents 
that  eat."  He  would  take  anything  ;  anything,  at  least,  except  a 
Greyhound,  an  animal  that  he  held  in  mortal  abhorrence.  What 
he  liked  best  was  to  get  a  Lurcher,  for  which  he  soon  found  a 
place  under  a  pear-tree. 

The  Major's  huntsman,  old  Solomon,  was  coachman,  shepherd, 
groom,  aiid  gamekeeper,  as  well  as  huntsman,  and  was  the 
cockaded  gentleman  who  drove  the  ark  on  the  occasion  of  our 
introduction.  In  addition  to  all  this,  he  waited  at  table  on  grand 
occasions,  and  did  a  little  fishing,  hay-making,  and  gardening  in 
the  summer.  He  was  one  of  the  old-fashioned  breed  of  servants, 
now  nearly  extinct,  who  passed  their  lives  in  one  family  and  turned 
their  hands  to  whatever  was  wanted.  The  Major,  whose,  maxim 
was  not  to  keep  any  cats  that  didn't  catch  mice,  knowing  full  well 
that  all  gentlemen's  servants  can  do  double  the  work  of  their 
places,  provided  they  only  get  paid  for  it,  resolved,  that  it  was 
cheaper  to  pay  one  man  the  wages  of  one-and-a-half  to  do  the 
work  of  two  men,  than  to  keep  two  men  to  do  the  same  quantity  ; 
consequently,  there  was  very  little  hissing  at  bits  and  curb-chains 
in  the  Major's  establishment,  the  hard  work  of  other  places  being 
the  light  work,  or  no  work  at  all,  of  his.  Solomon  was  the  beau 
ideal  of  a  harrier  huntsman,  being,  as  the  French  say,  d'nn  certain 
age,  quiet,  patient,  and  a  pusillanimous  rider. 
Now  about  the  subscription. 

It  is  true  that  the  Major  did  not  take  a  sub.sci'ij)tion  in  the 
common  acceptation  of  the  tei'm,  but  he  took  assistance  in  various 
ways,  such  as  a  few  days  ploughing  from  one  man,  a  few  "  bowels" 
of  seed-wheat  from  another,  a  few  "  bowels  "  of  seed-oats  from  a 
third,  a  lamb  from  a  fourth,  a  pig  li-om  a  fifth,  added  to  which,  he 
had  all  the  hounds  walked  during  the  summer,  so  that  his  actual 
expenses  were  very  little  more  than  the  tax.  This  he  jockeyed  by 
only  returning  about  two-thirds  the  number  of  hounds  he  kept  ; 
and  as  twelve  couple  were  his  hunting  maximum,  his  taxing  mini- 
mum would  be  about  eight — eight  couple — or  sixteen  hounds,  at 
twelve  shillings  a-piece,  is  nine  pound  twelve,  for  which  sum  he 
made  more  noise  in  the  papers  than  the  Quorn,  the  Belvoir,  and 
the  Cottesmore  all  put  together.  Indeed  the  old  adage  of  "  great 
cry  and  little  wool,"  applies  to  packs  as  well  as  flocks,  for  we  never 
see  hounds  making  a  great  "to-do"  in  the  pnpcrs  without  sus- 
pecting that  they  are  either  good  for  nothing,  or  that  the 
llirtunate  owner  wuiilS  to  sell  them. 


106  ASK    MAMMA. 

"With  regard  to  horses,  the  Major,  like  many  people,  had  hnl 
one  gort — the  best  in  England — though  they  were  divided  into 
two  classes,  viz.,  hunters  and  draught  horses.  Hacks  or  carriage 
horses  he  utterly  eschewed.  Horses  must  either  hunt  or  plough 
with  him  ;  nor  was  he  above  putting  his  hunters  into  the  harrows 
occasionally.  Hence  he  always  had  a  pair  of  efficient  horses  for 
his  carriage  when  he  wanted  them,  instead  of  animals  that  were 
fit  to  jump  out  of  their  skins  at  starting,  and  ready  to  slip  through 
them  on  coming  home. 

Olothing  he  utterly  repudiated  for  carriage  horses,  alleging, 
that  people  never  get  any  work  out  of  them  after  they  are  once 
clothed. 

The  hunters  were  mostly  sedate,  elderly  animals,  horses  that 
had  got  through  the  "  morning  of  life  "  with  the  foxhounds,  and 
came  to  the  harriers  in  prefereuce  to  harness.  The  Major  was 
always  a  buyer  or  an  exchanger,  or  a  mixer  of  both,  and  would 
generally  "  advance  a  little  "  ou  the  neighbouring  job-master's 
prices.  Then  having  got  them,  he  recruited  the  veterans  by  care 
and  crushed  corn,  which,  with  cutting  their  tails,  so  altered  them, 
that  sometimes  their  lato  groom  scarcely  knew  them  again. 

Certainly,  if  the  animals  could  have  spoken,  they  would  have 
expressed  their  surprise  at  the  dilferent  language  the  Major  held 
as  a  buyer  and  as  a  seller  ;  as  a  buyer,  when  like  Gil  Bias'  mule, 
he  made  them  out  to  be  all  faults,  as  a  seller  when  they  suddenly 
seemed  to  become  paragons  of  ])erfectiou.  He  was  always  ready 
for  a  deal,  and  would  accommodate  matters  to  people's  convenience 
— take  part  cash,  part  corn,  part  liay,  part  anything,  for  he  was  a 
most  miscellaneous  barterer,  and  his  stable  loft  was  like  a  Marine 
Store-dealer's  shop.  Though  always  boasting  that  his  little  white 
hands  were  not  "soiled  with  trade,"  he  would  traffic  in  anything 
(on  the  sly)  by  which  he  thought  he  could  turn  a  penny.  His 
last  effort  in  the  buying  way  had  nearly  got  him  into  the  County 
Court,  as  the  following  correspondence  will  show,  as  also  how 
differently  two  people  can  view  the  same  thing. 

Being  in  town,  with  wheat  at  80s.  and  barley  and  oats  in  pro- 
portion, and  consequently  more  plethoric  in  the  pocket  than  usual, 
he  happened  to  stray  into  a  certain  great  furniture  mart  where 
two  chairs  struck  him  as  being  chea]3.  They  were  standing 
together,  and  one  of  them  was  thus  ticketed  : 

No.  820."). 

2  Elizabethan  chairs. 

India  Japanned. 

4  3  J. 

The  Major  took  a  good  stare  at  them,  never  having  scr>n  nny 
before.      \Vell,  he  thought  they  cu;ild  not  be  dear  at  that  ;  little 


ASK    MAMMA,  107 

more  than  a  gninea  each.  Get  them  home  for  fifty  shilh'nj^s,  say 
There  was  a  deal  of  gold,  and  lacker,  aud  varuisli  about  them. 
Coloured  bunches  of  flowers,  inlaid  with  mother  of  pearl,  Chinese 
temples,  with  "insolent  pig-tailed  barbarians,"  in  pink  silk  jackets, 
with  baggy  blue  trowsers,  and  gig  whips  in  their  hands,  looking 
after  the  purple  ducks  on  the  pea-green  lake — all  very  elegant. 

He'd  have  them,  dashed  if  he  wouldn't !  "Would  try  and  swap 
them  for  Mrs.  Rocket  Larkspur's  Croydon  basket-carriage  that 
the  girls  wanted.  Just  the  things  to  tickle  her  fancy.  So  he 
went  into  the  office  and  gave  his  card  most  consequentially,  with 
a  reference  to  Pannell,  the  sadler  in  Spur-street,  Ijeicester-square, 
desiring  that  the  chairs  might  be  most  carefully  packed  and 
forwarded  to  him  by  the  goods  train  with  an  invoice  by  post. 

When  the  invoice  came,  behold  !  the  43s.  had  changed  into  865. 

"Hilloa  !"  exclaimed  the  astonished  J^Iajor.  This  won't  do! 
86s.  is  twice  43s. ;  and  he  wrote  off  to  say  they  had  made  a 
mistake.  This  brought  the  secretary  of  the  concern,  Mr.  Badbill, 
on  to  the  scene.  He  replied  beneath  a  copious  shower  of  arms, 
orders,  flourish,  and  flannel,  that  the  mistake  was  the  Major's — 
that  they,  "  never  marked  their  goods  in  pairs,"  to  which  the 
Major  rejoined,  that  they  had  in  this  instance,  as  the  ticket  which 
he  forwarded  to  Pannell  for  Badbill's  inspection  showed,  and  that 
he  must  decline  the  chairs  at  double  the  price  they  were  ticketed  foi'. 

Badbill,  having  duly  inspected  the  ticket,  retorted  that  he  was 
surprised  at  the  Major's  stupidity,  that  two  meant  one,  in  fact,  all 
the  world  over. 

The  j\Iajor  rejoined,  that  he  didn't  know  what  the  Reform  Bill 
might  have  done,  but  that  two  didn't  mean  one  when  he  was  at 
school  ;  and  added,  that  as  he  declined  the  chairs  at  86s.  they 
were  at  Badbill's  service  for  sending  for. 

Badbill  wrote  in  reply — 

"  We  rcalli/  cannot  under  stand  how  His  }wssihle  for  any  one  to 
make  out  that  a  ticket  on  an  article  inclinlcH  the  otJier  that  may 
stand  next  it.  Certainly  the  ticket  you  allude  to  referred  only  to  the 
chair  on  which  it  was  placed^ 

And  in  a  subsequent  letter  he  claimed  to  have  the  chairs 
repacked  at  the  Major's  expense,  as  it  was  very  unfair  saddling 
them  with  the  loss  arising  entirely  from  the  j\[ajor's  mistake. 

To  which  our  gallant  friend  rejoined,  "that  as  he  would 
neither  admit  that  the  mistake  was  his,  nor  submit  to  the  imputa- 
tion of  unfairness,  he  would  stick  to  the  chairs  at  the  price  they 
were  ticketed  at." 

Rndbill  then  wrote  that  this  declaration  surprised  them  much — 
that  they  did  not  for  a  monieut  think  he  "intentionally  mis- 


108  ASK    MAMMA. 

understood  the  ticket  as  referring  to  a  pair  of  chairs,  whereas  it 
only  gave  the  price  of  one  chair,"  and  again  begged  to  have  them 
back  ;  to  which  the  Major  inwardly  responded,  he  "  wished  they 
might  get  them,"  and  sent  them  an  order  for  the  43s. 

This  was  returned  with  eiprcssions  of  surprise,  that  after  the 
explanation  given,  the  Major  should  persevere  in  the  same  "  course 
of  error,"  and  hoped  that  he  would,  without  further  delay,  favour 
the  Co.  with  the  right  amount,  for  which  Badbill  said  they 
"  anxiously  waited,**  and  for  which  the  Major  inwardly  said,  they 
"  might  wait." 

In  due  time  came  a  lithographed  circular,  more  imposingly 
flourished  and  flanneled  than  ever,  stating  the  terras  of  the  firm 
were  "  cash  on  delivery  ; "  and  that  unless  the  Major  remitted 
without  further  delay,  he  would  be  handed  over  to  their  solicitor, 
&c.  ;  with  an  intimation  at  the  bottom,  that  that  was  the  "  third 
application  " — of  which  our  gallant  friend  took  no  notice. 

Next  came  a  written, 

"  SiK, 
'*  I  am  desired  ly  this  firm  to  infwm,  you,  that  unless  we  hear 
from  you  by  return  of  post  respecting  the  payment  of  our  account, 
we  shall  place  the  matter  in  tJie  hands  of  our  solicitors  u'ithout 
further  notice,  and  regret  you  should  have  occasioned  us  so  much 
trouble  through  your  own  misunderstanding.'" 

Then  came  the  climax.  The  Major's  solicitor  went,  ticket  in 
hand,  and  tendered  the  43s.,  when  the  late  bullying  Badbill  was 
obliged  to  write  as  follows  : — 

^^  It  appears  you  are  quite  correct  respecting  the  ticlcet,  and  we  are  in 
error.  Our  ticketing  cleric  had  placed  tlie  figure  in  the  urong  part 
of  the  card,  the  figure  'tiro'  referring  to  the  number  of  chairs 
in  stock,  a?id  not  as  understood  to  sign  if g  two  chairs  for  435.;" 

and  Badbill  humorously  concluded  by  expressing  a  hope  that  the 
Major  would  return  the  chairs  and  continue  his  custom — two  very 
unlikely  events,  as  we  dare  say  the  reader  will  think,  to  happen. 

Such,  then,  was  the  knowing  gentleman  who  now  sought  the 
company  of  Fine  Billy  ;  and  considering  that  he  is  to  be  besieged 
dn  both  sides,  we  hope  to  be  excused  for  having  gone  a  little  into 
his  host  and  hostess'  pedigree  and  performances. 

The  Major  wrote  Billy  a  well-considered  note,  saying,  that 
when  he  could  spare  a  few  days  from  his  lordship  and  the  fox- 
hounds, it  would  afford  Mrs.  Yammerton  and  himself  great 
pleasure  if  he  would  come  and  pay  them  a  visit  at  Yammerton 
Grange,  and  the  Major  would  be  happy  to  mount  him,  and  keep 
his  best  country  for  him,  and  show  him  all  the  sport  in  his  power. 


ASK    MAM^^A. 


109 


adding,  that  they  had  been  having  some  most  marvelloiiB  runs 
iately — better  than  any  he  ever  remembered. 

Now,  independently  of  our  friend  Billy  having  pondered  a  good 
deal  on  the  l»eauty  of  the  young  lady's  eyes,  he  could  well  spare  a 
few  days  from  the  foxhounds,  for  his  lordship,  being  quitede  Glancey- 
cured,  and  wishing  to  get  rid  of  him,  h.ad  had  him  out  again,  and 
put  him  on  to  a  more  fractious  horse  tlian  before,  who  after  giving 
him  a  most  indefinite  shaking,  had  finally  shot  him  over  his  head. 

The  Earl  was  delighted,  therefore,  when  he  heard  of  the  Major's 
invitation,  and  after  expressing  great  regret  at  the  idea  of  losing 
our  Billy,  begged  he  would  ''come  back  whenever  it  suited  him  ;"' 
well  knowing  that  if  he  once  got  him  out  of  the  house,  he  would 
be  very  sly  if  he  got  in  again.  And  so  Jiilly,  wiio  never  answered 
^lamma's  re])eated  inquiries  if  there  were  any  *' Miss  ll's,"  engaged 
himself  to  Yammerton  (Ji'ange,  whither  the  reader  will  now 
perhaps  have  the  kindness  to  accompany  him. 


CHAPTEPi    XVII. 


ARRIVAL   AT   YAMMERTOX   ORANGE. — A    FA:^riLY    PARTY. 

AFLWAYS  have 
taken  the  starch 
out  of  country  mag- 
nificence, as  well  as 
out  of  town. 

Time  was  when 
a  visitor  could 
hardly  di'ive  np  to  a 
great  man's  door  in 
the  country  in  a  |)o' 
chay — now  it  would 
l)e  considered  very 
magni  fi  cen  t  —  a 
buss,  or  a  one-oss  fly 
being  livnv  likely 
the  conveyance. 
The  liKiiKST  Com- 
mon KU  l.\  MXGLAXI) 
Oink  his  (Icpai'tiiiv 
from  Tantivy  Castle 
in  a  oiK'-liorsc  flv,  into  wliirh  he  was  assistcil  by  ;in  iiniiii'nst' 
retiiuK.'  of  survant-^,     li   was  ubout  time  for  hi'n  to  bo  g^no.  for 


110  ASK    MAMMA, 

Mons.  Jean  Rougier  had  been  what  he  called  "  boxaing  "  with  the 
Earl's  big  watcher,  Stephen  Stout,  to  whom  having  given  a  most 
elaborate  licking,  the  rest  of  the  establishment  were  up  in  arms, 
and  would  most  likely  have  found  a  match  for  Monsieur  among 
them.  Jack — that  is  to  say,  Mons.  Jean — now  kissed  his  hand,  and 
grinned,  and  bowed,  and  bon-jour'd  them  from  the  box  of  the  fly, 
with  all  the  affability  of  a  gentleman  who  has  had  the  best  of  it. 

Off  then  they  ground  at  as  good  a  trot  as  the  sliaky  old 
quadruped  could  raise. 

It  is  undoubtedly  a  good  sound  principle  that  Major  and  Mrs. 
Yammerton  went  upon,  never  to  invite  people  direct  from  great 
houses  to  theirs  ;  it  dwarfs  little  ones  so.  A  few  days  ventilation 
at  a  country  inn  with  its  stupid  dirty  waiters,  copper-showiug 
plate,  and  wretched  cookery,  would  be  a  good  preparation,  only 
no  one  ever  goes  into  an  inn  in  England  that  can  help  it.  Still, 
coming  down  from  a  first-class  nobleman's  castle  to  a  third-class 
gentleman's  house,  was  rather  a  trial  upon  the  latter.  Not  that 
we  mean  to  say  anything  disrespectful  of  Yammerton  Grange, 
which,  though  built  at  different  times,  was  good,  roomy,  and 
rough-cast,  with  a  man-boy  in  brown  and  yellow  livery,  who 
called  himself  the  "  Butler,"  but  whom  the  women-servants  called 
the  "  Bumbler."  The  above  outline  will  give  the  reader  a  general 
idea  of  the  "  style  of  thing,"  as  the  insolvent  dandy  said,  when  he 
asked  his  creditors  for  a  "  wax  candle  and  eau-de-Cologne  "  sort  of 
allowance.  Everything  at  the  Grange  of  course  was  now  put  into 
holiday  garb,  both  externally  and  internally — gravel  raked,  gai'den 
spruced,  stables  strawed,  &c.  All  the  -Major's  old  sheep-caps,  old 
hare-snares,  old  hang-locks,  old  hedging-gloves,  pruning-knives, 
and  implements  of  husbandry  were  thrust  into  the  back  of  the 
drawer  of  the  passage  table,  while  a  mixed  sporting  and  military 
trophy,  composed  of  whips,  swords  and  pistols,  radiated  round  his 
Sunday  hat  against  the  wall  above  it. 

The  drawing-room,  we  need  not  say,  underwent  metamorphose, 
the  chairs  and  sofas  suddenly  changing  from  rather  dirty  print  to 
pea-green  damask,  the  druggeted  carpet  bursting  into  cornucopias 
of  fruit  and  gay  bouquets,  while  a  rich  cover  of  many  colours 
adorned  the  centre  table,  which,  in  turn,  was  covered  with  the 
proceeds  of  the  young  ladies'  industry.  The  room  became  a  sort 
of  exhibition  of  their  united  accomplishments.  The  silver  ink- 
stand surmounted  a  beautiful  unblemished  blotting-book,  fresh 
pens  and  paper  stood  invitingly  behind,  while  the  little  dictionary 
was  consigned,  with  other  "sundries,"  to  the  well  of  the  ottoman. 

As  the  finishing  preparations  were  progressing,  the  Major  and 
Mrs.  Yammerton  carried  on  a  broken  discussion  as  to  the  pro- 
^■rannne  of  proceedings,  and  as,  in  the  Major's  opinion, 


ASK    MAMMA.  HI 

"  There's  nothing  can  compare, 
To  hunting  of  the  hare," 

he  wanted  to  lead  oflF  with  a  gallope,  to  which  Sirs.  Yammerton 
demurred.  She  thought  it  would  be  a  much  better  plan  to  have 
a  quiet  day  about  the  place — let  the  girls  walk  Sfr.  Priiigle  up  to 
Prospect  Hill  to  see  the  view  from  Eagleton  Rocks,  and  call  on 
Mrs.  Wasperton,  and  show  him  to  her  ugly  girls,  in  return  for 
their  visit  with  Mr.  Giles  Smith.  The  Major,  on  the  contrary, 
thought  if  there  was  to  be  a  quiet  day  about  tlie  place,  he  would 
like  to  employ  it  in  showing  Billy  a  horse  he  had  to  sell ;  but 
while  they  were  in  the  midst  of  the  argument  the  click  of  front 
gate  sneck,  follow^ed  by  the  vehement  bow-wow-wow-wow-wow 
bark  of  the  Skye  terrier,  Fury,  announced  an  arrival,  and  from 
behind  a  gi'ound-feathering  spruce,  emerged  the  shaky  old  horse, 
dragging  at  its  tail  the  heavily  laden  cab.  Then  there  was  such  a 
scattering  of  crinoline  below,  and  such  a  gathering  of  cotton 
above,  to  see  the  gentleman  alight,  and  such  speculations  as  to  his 
Christian  name,  and  which  of  the  young  ladies  he  would  do  for. 

"  I  say  his  name's  Harry  !  "  whispered  Sally  Scuttle,  the  house- 
maid, into  Benson's — we  beg  pardon — Miss  Benson's,  the  ladies'- 
maid's  ear,  who  was  standing  before  her,  peeping  past  the  faded 
curtains  of  the  chintz-room. 

"I  say  it's  John  !"  replied  Miss  Benson, now  that  j\rr.  PringleV 
head  appeared  at  the  window. 

"  I  say  it's  Joseph  I  "  interposed  Betty  Bone,  the  cook,  who 
stood  behind  Sally  Scuttle,  at  which  specuhition  they  all  laughed. 

'*  Ho(jt,  no  !  he's  not  a  bit  like  Joseph,"  replied  Sally,  eyeing 
Billy  as  he  now  alighted. 

"  Lank  !  he's  quite  a  young  gent,"  obser\'ed  Bone. 

'■^Yoimg!  to  be  sure!"  replied  ]\Iiss  Benson;  ''you  don't 
s'pose  we  want  any  old'uns  here." 

"  He'll  do  nicely  for  ]\Iiss  ; "  observed  Sally. 

"And  why  not  for  Miss  P.  ?  "  asked  Benson,  from  whom  she 
had  just  received  an  old  gown. 

"Well,  either,"  rejoined  Sally;  "only  Miss  had  the  last 
chance." 

"  Oh,  curates  go  for  nothin'  !  "  retorted  Benson  ;  "  if  it  had 
been  a  captin  it  would  have  been  something  like." 

"Well,  but  there's  Miss  Harriet;  you  never  mention  Miss 
Harriet,  why  shouldn't  ]\Iiss  Harriet  have  a  chance  ?  "  interposed 
the  cook. 

"  Oh.  Miss  Han-iot  must  wait  her  turn.  Let  her  sisters  be 
Bcrwd  iirst.  They  can't  ail  have  him,  yon  know,  £;o  it's  no  itse 
trying." 


112  ASK    MAMMA. 

Billy  having  entered  the  house,  the  ladies'  atteiition  was  now 
directed  to  Monsieur. 

"What  a  thick,  plummy  man  he  is!"  observed  Benson,  looking 
down  on  Eougier's  broad  shoulders. 

"  He  looks  as  if  he  got  his  vittles  well,"  rejoined  Bone,  wonder- 
ing how  he  would  like  their  lean  beef  and  bacon  fare. 

"  Where  will  he  have  to  sleep  ?  "  asked  Sally  Scuttle. 

"  0,  with  the  Bumbler  to  be  sure,"  replied  Bone. 

"K"otA«.'"  interposed  Miss  Benson,  with  disdain.  "You  don't 
s'pose  a  reg'lar  valley-de-chambre  'ill  condescend  to  sleep  with  a 
footman  !    You  don't  know  them — if  you  think  that." 

"  He's  got  mouse  catchers,"  observed  Sally  Scuttle,  who  had 
been  eyeing  Monsieur  intently. 

"  Ay,  and  a  beard  like  a  blacking  brush,"  whispered  Bone. 

"He's  surely  a  foreigner,"  whispered  Benson,  as  Monsieur's,  "/ 
say  !  take  veil  care  of  her  ! — Z^eaft  her  down  j-e-a-ntly  "  (alluding 
to  his  own  carpet  bag,  in  which  he  had  a  bottle  of  rum  enveloped 
m  swaddling  clothes  of  dirty  linen)  to  the  cabman,  sounded  up- 
stairs. 

"  So  he  is,"  replied  Benson,  adding,  after  a  pause,  "  AVell,  any- 
body may  have  him  for  me  ;  "—saying  which  she  tripped  out  of 
the  room,  quickly  followed  by  the  others. 

Our  Major  having,  on  the  first  alarm,  rushed  off  to  his  dirty 
Sanctum,  and  crowned  himself  with  a  drab  felt  wide-a-wake,  next 
snatched  a  little  knotty  dog-whip  out  of  the  trophy  as  he  passed, 
and  was  at  the  sash  door  of  the  fi'ont  entrance  welcoming  our 
hero  with  the  full  spring  tide  of  hospitality  as  he  alighted  from 
his  fly. 

The  Major  was  overjoyed  to  see  him.  It  was  indeed  kind  of 
him,  leaving  the  castle  to  "  come  and  visit  them  in  their  'umble 
abode."    The  Major,  of  course,  now  being  on  the  humility  tack. 

"  Let  me  take  your  cloak  !  "  said  he  ;  "  let  me  take  your  cap !  " 
and,  with  the  aid  of  the  Bumbler,  who  came  shuffling  himself  into 
his  brown  and  yellow  livery  coat,  Billy  was  eased  of  his  wrapper, 
and  stood  before  the  now  thi'owai-open  drawing-room  door,  just  as 
Mrs.  Y^'ammerton  having  swept  the  last  brown  holland  cover  off 
the  reclining  chair,  had  stuffed  it  under  the  sofa  cushion.  She, 
too,  was  delighted  to  see  Billy,  and  thankful  she  had  got  the  room 
ready,  so  as  to  be  able  presently  to  subside  upon  the  sofa, 
"  Morning  Post  "  in  hand,  just  as  if  she  had  been  interrupted  in 
her  reading.  The  young  ladies  then  dropped  in  one  by  one ;  ^liss 
at  the  passage  door,  Miss  Flora  at  the  one  counecting  the  drawing- 
room  with  the  Sanctum,  and  Miss  Harriet  again  at  tlie  possage 
door,  all  divested  of  their  aprons,  and  fresh  from  their  respective 
looking-glasses.     The  two  former,  of  course,  met  Billy  as  an  old 


ASK    MAMMA.  118 

acquaintance,  and  as  they  did  not  mean  to  allow  Miss  Harriet  to 
participate  in  the  prize,  they  just  let  her  shuffle  herself  into  an 
introduction  as  best  she  could.  Billy  waan'fc  quite  sure  whether 
he  had  seen  her  before  or  he  hadn't.  At  first  he  thought  he  had  ; 
then  he  thought  he  hadn't  ;  but  whether  he  had  or  he  hadn't,  he 
knew  there  would  be  no  harm  in  bowing,  so  he  just  promiscnated 
one  to  her,  which  she  acknowledged  with  a  best  Fcathercy  curtsey. 
A  great  cry  of  conversation,  or  rather  of  random  observation,  then 
ensued  ;  in  the  midst  of  which  the  Major  slipped  out,  and  from 
his  Sanctum  he  overheard  Monsieur  getting  up  much  the  same 
sort  of  entertainment  in  the  kitchen.  There  was  such  laughing 
and  giggling  and  '^he-hawing  "  among  the  maids,  that  the  Major 
feared  the  dinner  would  be  neglected. 

The  Major's  dining-room,  though  small,  would  accommodate  a 
dozen  people,  or  incommode  eighteen,  wliich  latter  number  is 
considered  the  most  serviceable-sized  party  in  the  country  where 
people  feed  oil"  their  acquaintance,  more  upon  the  debtor  and 
creditor  system,  than  with  a  view  to  making  pleasant  parties,  or 
considering  wiio  would  like  to  meet.  Even  when  they  are  what 
they  call  "  alone,"  they  can't  be  "  alone,"  but  must  have  in  as 
many  servants  as  they  can  raise,  to  show  how  far  the  assertion  is 
irom  the  truth. 

Though  the  Yammertons  sat  down  but  six  on  the  present 
occasion,  and  there  were  the  two  accustomed  dumb-waiters  in  the 
room,  three  live  ones  were  introduced,  viz.,  ]\ronsieur,  the  Bumbler, 
and  Solomon,  whose  duty  seemed  to  consist  in  cooling  the  victuals, 
by  carrying  them  about,  and  in  preventing  people  from  helping 
themselves  to  Avhat  was  before  them,  by  taking  the  dishes  off  the 
steady  table,  and  presenting  them  again  on  very  unsteady  hands. 

No  one  is  ever  allowed  to  shoot  n  dish  sitting  if  a  servant  can 
see  it.  How  pleasant  it  would  be  if  we  were  watched  in  all  the 
affairs  of  life  as  we  are  in  eating  ! 

I\ronsieur,  we  may  observe,  liad  com])]ete]y  superseded  the 
Bumbler,  jusfc  as  a  colonel  supoi'scdes  a  captain  on  coming  up. 

"  Oi  am  Colonel  Crushiiigton  of  the  lioyal  Plungfrs,"  proclaims 
the  Colonel,  stretching  himself  to  his  utmost  altitude. 

"And  I  am  Captain  Succumber,  of  the  Sugar-Candy  lluppars," 
bows  the  Captain  with  the  utmost  humility ;  whereupon  the 
Captain  is  snullcd  out,  and  the  Colonel  reigns  in  his  stead. 

"  I  am  Monsieur  Jean  Kougier,  valet-de-chaml)re  to  me  lor 
Pringle,  and  I  sail  take  in  de  potage, — de  soup,"  observed  Rongier, 
coming  down  stairs  in  his  first-class  clothes,  and  pushing  the  now 
yellow-legged  Bumbler  aside. 

And  these  hobble-de-hoys  never  l)eing  favourites  with  the  fair, 
the  maids  saw  him  reduced  without  remorse. 


114  ASR    MAMMA. 

So  the  dinner  got  set  upon  the  taole  without  a  fight  and 
though  Monsieur  allowed  the  Bumbler  to  announce  it  in  the 
drawing-room,  it  was  only  that  he  might  take  a  suck  of  the  sherry 
while  he  was  away.  But  he  was  standing  as  bolt  upright  as  a 
serjeant-major  on  parade  when  "  me  lor"  entered  the  dining-room 
with  IMrs.  Yammerton  on  his  arm,  followed  by  the  Graces,  the 
Major  having  stayed  behind  to  blow  out  the  composites. 

They  were  soon  settled  in  their  places,  grace  said,  and  the 
assault  commenced. 

The  Major  was  rather  behind  Imperial  John  in  magnificence, 
for  John  had  got  his  plate  in  his  drawing-room,  while  the  Major 
still  adhered  to  the  good  old-fashioned  blue  and  red,  and  gold  and 
green  crockery  w^are  of  his  youth. 

Not  but  that  both  Mamma  and  the  young  ladies  had  often 
represented  to  him  the  absolute  necessity  of  having  plate,  but  the 
Major  could  never  fall  in  with  it  at  his  price — that  of  German 
silver,  or  Britannia  metal  perhaps. 

"We  dare  say  Fine  Billy  would  never  have  noticed  the  deficiency, 
if  the  j\Iajor  had  not  drawn  attention  to  it  by  apologising  for  its 
absence,  and  fearing  he  would  not  be  able  to  eat  his  dinner 
without ;  though  we  dare  say,  if  the  truth  were  known  our  readers 
— our  male  readers  at  least — will  agree  with  us,  that  a  good,  hot 
well-washed  china  dish  is  a  great  deal  better  than  a  dull,  luke- 
warm, hand-rubbed  silver  one.  It's  the  "  wittlcs  "  people  look  to, 
not  the  ware. 

Then  the  ]\Iajor  was  afraid  his  wine  wouldn't  pass  muster  after 
the  Earl's,  and  certainly  his  champagne  was  nothing  to  boast  of, 
being  that  ambiguous  stuif  that  halts  between  the  price  of  goose- 
berry and  real ;  in  addition  to  which,  the  Major  had  omitted  to 
pay  it  the  complinient  of  icing  it,  so  that  it  stood  forth  in  all  its 
native  imperfection.  However,  it  hissed,  and  fizzed,  and  popped, 
and  banged,  which  is  always  something  exciting  at  all  events ;  and 
as  the  Major  sported  needle-case-shapcd  glasses  which  he  had  got 
at  a  sale  (very  cheap  we  hope),  there  was  no  fear  of  people  getting 
enough  to  do  them  any  harm. 

Giving  champagne  is  one  of  those  things  that  has  passed  into 
custom  almost  imperceptibly.  Twenty,  or  five-and-twcnty  years 
ago,  a  mid-rank-of-life  person  giving  champagne  was  talked  of  in  a 
very  shake-the-head,  solemn,  "  I  wish-iL-may-Iast,"  style  ;  now 
everybody  jrives  it  of  some  sort  or  other.  AVe  read  in  the  papers 
the  other  day  of  ninety  dozen,  for  which  the  holder  had  paid 
400Z.,  being  sold  for  1  Ss.  Gd.  a  doz. !  What  a  chance  that  would 
have  been  for  our  Major.  "Wo  wonder  what  that  had  been 
made  of. 

U  was  a  happy  discovery  that  giving  champagne  at  dinner  saved 


ASK    MAMMA 


115 


other  wino  after,  for  certainly  notliiiiL;-  promotes  the  conviviality 
of  a  meetinji'  so  much  as  champugiie,  and  there  is  nothing;  so 
melancholy  and  funereal  as  a  dinner  party  without  it.  Indeed, 
•riving  champagne  may  be  regarded  as  a  downright  promoter  of 


SI  II  u~i:i)iM 


riir   111  Mi'.i.i.K. 


t('m])ei'anc(',  for  a  [x'l'son  who  (h'inks  freely  ol'  cliam])agne  cannot 
drink  freely  of  any  other  sort  of  wine  after  it  :  so  that  champagne 
may  !»<■  sni<l  lo  ha\r  conti'ibuted  to  the  abolition  of  the  old  pori- 
winc  to])ing  wherewith  our  fnthers  were  wont  to  heaiiilc  ihrir  long 
c\eninus.       Indeed,   liuiiL   wines  and  J-ondou   cluljs   have    aboui 


11«  ASK    MAMMA. 

banished  inebriety  from  anything  like  good  society.  Enlarged 
newspapers,  too,  have  contributed  their  quota,  whereby  a  man  can 
read  what  is  passing  in  all  parts  of  the  world,  instead  of  being  told 
whose  cat  has  kittened  in  his  own  immediate  neighbourhood. — 
"With  which  philosophical  reflections,  let  us  return  to  our  party. 

Although  youth  is  undoubtedly  the  age  of  matured  judgment 
and  connoisseurship  in  everything,  and  Billy  was  quite  as  knowing 
as  his  neighbours,  he  accepted  the  Major's  encomiums  on  his  wine 
with  all  the  confidence  of  ignorance,  and,  what  is  more  to  the 
purpose,  he  drank  it.  Indeed,  there  was  nothing  faulty  on  the 
table  that  the  ]\fajor  didn't  praise,  on  the  old  horse  -  dealing 
principle  of  lauding  the  bad  points,  and  leaving  the  good  ones  to 
speak  for  themselves.  So  the  dinner  progressed  through  a  multi- 
plicity of  dishes  ;  for,  to  do  the  ladies  justice,  they  always  give 
good  fare  : — it  is  the  men  who  treat  their  friends  to  mutton-chops 
and  rice  puddings. 

Betty  Bone,  too,  was  a  noble-hearted  woman,  and  would  under- 
take to  cook  for  a  party  of  fifty, — roasts,  boils,  stews,  soups,  sweets, 
savouries,  sauces,  and  all !  And  so  what  with  a  pretty  girl  along 
side  of  him,  and  two  sitting  opposite,  Billy  did  uncommonly  well, 
and  felt  far  more  at  home  than  he  did  at  Tantivy  Castle  with  the 
Earl  and  Mrs.  i\Ioff'att,  and  the  stiif  dependents  his  lordship  brought 
in  to  dine. 

The  Major  stopped  Billy  from  calling  for  Burgundy  after  his 
cheese  by  volunteering  a  glass  of  home-brewed  ale,  "bo-bo-bottled," 
he  said,  "  when  he  came  of  age,"  though,  in  fact,  it  had  only 
arrived  from  Aloes,  the  chemist's,  at  ITinton,  about  an  hour  before 
dinner.  This  being  only  sipped,  and  smacked,  and  applauded, 
grace  was  said,  the  cloth  removed,  the  Major  was  presently  assuring 
Billy,  in  a  bumper  of  moderate  juvenile  port,  how  delighted  he 
was  to  see  him,  how  flattered  he  felt  by  his  condescension  in 
coming  to  visit  him  at  his  'umble  abode,  and  how  he  'oped  to  make 
the  visit  agreeable  to  him.  This  piece  of  flummery  being  delivered, 
the  bottles  and  dessert  circulated,  and  in  due  time  the  ladies  retired, 
the  Misses  to  the  drawing-room,  Madam  to  the  pantry,  to  see  that 
the  Bum]:»ler  had  not  pocketed  any  of  the  cheese-cakes  or  tarts^ 
for  which,  boy-like,  he  had  a  propensity.     *     *     * 

The  Major,  we  are  ashamed  to  say,  had  no  mirror  in  his  drawing- 
room,  wherein  the  ladies  could  now  see  how  they  had  been  look- 
ing ;  so,  of  course,  they  drew  to  that  next  attraction — the  fire, 
which  having  duly  stirred.  Miss  Yammerton  and  Flora  laid  their 
heads  together,  with  each  a  fair  arm  resting  on  the  old-fashioned 
grey-veined  marble  mantel-piece,  and  commenced  a  very  laughing, 
whispering  conversation.  This,  of  course,  attracted  Miss  Harrier, 
who  tried  fij'st  to  edge  in  between  them,  and  then  to  participate  at 


ASK    MAMMA.  117 

ihe  sides  ;  but  she  was  repulsed  at  all  points,  and  at  length  was 
told  by  Miss  Yammerton  to  "get  away!  "  as  she  had  "  nothing  to 
do  with  what  they  were  talking  about." 

"  Yes  I  have,"  pouted  Miss  Harriet,  who  guessed  what  the  con- 
versation was  about. 

"  No,  you  haven't,"  retorted  Miss  Flora. 

"  It's  between  Flora  and  me,"  observed  Miss  Yammerton  dryly, 
with  an  air  of  authority. 

"  Well,  but  that's  not  fair  ! "  exclaimed  Miss  Harriet. 

"  Yes  it  is  !  "  replied  Miss  Yammerton,  throwing  up  her  head. 

"  Yes  it  is  !  "  asserted  Miss  Flora,  supporting  her  elder  sister's 
assertion. 

"  No,  it's  not !  "  retorted  Miss  Harriet. 

♦*  You  weren't  there  at  the  beginning,"  observed  Miss  Yammer- 
ton, alluding  to  the  expedition  to  Tantivy  Castle. 

"  That  was  not  my  fault,"  replied  Miss  Harriet,  firmly  ;  "  Pa 
would  go  in  the  coach." 

"  Never  mind,  you  were  not  there,"  replied  Miss  Yammerton 
tartly. 

"  Well,  but  I'll  ash  mamma  if  tl)at's  fair  ?  "  rejoined  Miss 
Harriet,  hurrying  out  of  the  room. 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

A  LEE-TIX.  CONTEE-TEMS. 


The  Major  having  inducted  his  guest  into  one  of  those  expensive 
articles  of  dining-room  furniture,  an  easy  chair — expensive,  inas- 
much as  they  cause  a  gi'cat  consumption  of  candles,  by  sending 
their  occupants  to  sleep, — now  set  a  little  round  table  between 
them,  to  which  having  transferred  the  biscuits  and  wine,  he  drew 
a  duplicate  chair  to  the  fire  for  himself,  and,  sousing  down  in  it, 
prepared  for  a  iele-a-tele  chat  with  our  friend.  He  wanted  to 
know  what  Lord  Ladythorne  said  of  him,  to  sound  Billy,  in  fact, 
whether  there  was  any  chance  of  his  making  him  a  uiui^istrate. 
He  also  wanted  to  find  out  how  long  Billy  was  going  to  stay  in 
the  country,  and  see  whether  there  was  any  cliance  of  selling  him 
a  horse  ;  so  he  led  np  to  the  pointp,  by  calling  upon  Billy  to  fill  a 
bumper  to  the  '•  Merry  haryers,"  observing  casually,  as  he  passed 
the  bottle,  that  he  had  now  kept  them  "  live-and-thirty  years 
without  a  subscription,  and  was  as  much  attached  to  the  sport  as 
ever."     This    toast  was    followed    by   the  foxliounds  and    Lurd 


118  ASK    MAMMA. 

Ladythorne's  health,  which  opened  out  a  fine  field  for  general 
dissertation  and  sounding,  commencing  with  Mr.  Boggledike, 
who,  the  Major  not  liking,  of  course,  he  condemned  ;  and  Mrs. 
Pringle  having  exjDressed  an  adverse  opinion  of  him  too,  Billy 
adopted  their  ideas,  and  agreed  that  he  was  slow,  and  ought  to  be 
drafted. 

With  his  magisterial  inquiry  the  Major  was  not  so  fortunate, 
his  lordship  being  too  old  a  soldier  to  commit  himself  before  a 
boy  like  Billy  ;  and  the  IMajor,  after  trying  every  meuse,  and 
every  twist,  and  every  turn,  with  the  proverbial  patience  and 
pertinacity  of  a  hare-himter,  was  at  length  obliged  to  whip  off  and 
get  upon  his  horses.  When  a  man  gets  upon  his  horses,  especially 
after  dinner,  and  that  man  such  an  optimist  as  the  Major,  there 
is  no  help  for  it  but  either  buying  them  in  a  lump  or  going  to 
sleep  ;  and  as  we  shall  have  to  endeavour  to  induce  the  reader  to 
accompany  us  through  the  INIajor's  stable  by-and-bye,  we  will  leave 
Billy  to  do  which  he  pleases,  while  we  proceed  to  relate  what  took 
place  in  another  part  of  the  house.  For  this  purpose,  it  will  be 
necessary  to  "  ease  her — hack  her,"  as  the  Thames  steamboat  boys 
say,  our  story  a  little  to  the  close  of  the  dinner. 

Monsieur  Jean  Rougier  having  taken  the  general  bearings  of 
the  family  as  he  stood  behind  "me  lor  Pringle's"  chair,  retired  from 
active  service  on  the  coming  in  of  the  cheese,  and  proceeded  to 
Billy's  apartment,  there  to  arrange  the  toilette  table,  and  see  that 
everything  was  comme  il  faut.  Billy's  dirty  boots,  of  course,  he 
took  downstaii-s  to  the  Bumbler  to  clean,  who,  in  turn,  put  them 
off  upon  Solomon. 

Very  smart  everything  in  the  room  was.  The  contents  of  the 
gorgeous  dressing-case  were  duly  displayed  on  the  fine  white 
damask  cloth  that  covered  the  rose-colour-lined  muslin  of  the 
gracefully-fringed  and  festooned  toilette  cover,  whose  flowing 
drapery  presented  at  once  an  effectual  barrier  to  the  legs,  and 
formed  an  excellent  repository  for  old  crusts,  envelopes,  curl- 
papers, and  general  sweepings.  Solid  ivory  hair-brushes,  with 
tortoiseshell  combs,  cosmetics,  curling  fluids,  oils  and  essences 
without  end,  mingled  with  the  bijouterie  and  knick-nacks  of  the 
distinguished  visitor.  Having  examined  himself  attentively  in 
the  glass,  and  spruced  up  his  bristles  with  Billy's  brushes, 
Jack  then  stirred  the  fire,  extinguished  the  toilette-table  candle, 
which  he  had  lit  on  coming  in,  and  produced  a  great 
blue  blouse  from  the  bottom  drawer  of  the  wardrobe,  in  which, 
having  enveloped  himself  in  order  to  prevent  his  fine  clothes 
catching  dust,  he  next  crawled  backwards  under  the  bed.  He 
had  not  lain  there  very  long  ere  the  opening  and  shutting  of 
downstairs  doors,  with  the  ringing  of  a  bell,  was  followed  by  the 


'LOOK    AT    HI5    BOOTS! 


ASK    MAMMA.  119 

rustling  of  silks,  and  the  light  tread  of  airy  steps  hurrying  along 
the  passage,  and  stopping  at  the  partially-opened  door.  Presently 
increased  light  in  the  apartment  was  succeeded  by  less  rustle  and 
tip-toe  treads  passing  the  bed,  and  making  up  to  the  looking-glass. 
The  self-inspection  being  over,  candles  were  then  flashed  about  the 
room  in  various  directions  ;  and  Jack  having  now  thrown  all  his 
energies  into  his  ears,  overheard  the  following  hurried  sotto  voce 
exclamations  : — 

First  Voice.     "Lauk  !  what  a  little  dandy  it  is  ! " 

Second  Voice.  "  Look,  I  say  !  look  at  his  boots — one,  two, 
three,  four,  five,  six,  seven,  eight,  nine,  ten  :  ten  pair,  as  I  live, 
besides  jacks  and  tops." 

First  Voice.  "  And  shoes  in  proportion,"  the  speaker  running 
her  candle  along  the  line  of  various  patterned  shoes. 

Second  Voice.  (Advancing  to  the  toilette-table).  "  Let's  look 
at  his  studs.  Wot  an  assortment !  Wonder  if  those  are  diamonds 
or  paste  he  has  on." 

First  Voice.  "  Oh,  diamonds  to  be  sure  "  (with  an  emphasis  on 
diamonds).  "You  don't  s'pose  such  a  little  swell  as  that  would 
wear  paste.  Sec  !  there's  a  pearl  and  diamond  ring.  Just  fits 
me,  I  do  declare,"  added  she,  trying  it  on. 

Second  Voice.     "What  beautiful  carbuncle  pins  !  " 

First  Voice.     "  Oh,  what  studs  !  " 

Second  Voice.     "  Oh,  what  chains  !  " 

First  Voice.     "  Oh,  what  pins  !  " 

Second  Voice.  "  Oh,  what  a  love  of  a  ring  ! "  And  so  the 
ladies  continued,  turning  the  articles  hastily  over.  "  Oh,  how 
happy  he  must  be,"  sighed  a  languishing  voice,  as  the  inspection 
proceeded. 

"  See  !  here's  his  little  silver  shaving  box,"  observed  the  first 
speaker,  opening  it. 

"Wonder  what  he  wants  with  a  shaving  box, — got  no  more 
beard  than  I  have,"  replied  the  other,  taking  up  Billy's  badger- 
hair  shaving-brush,  and  a])plying  it  to  her  own  pretty  chin. 

"  Oh  !  smell  what  delicious  perfume  !  "  now  exclaimed  the 
discoverer  of  the  shaving-box.  "  Essence  of  Rondeletia,  I  do 
believe  !  No,  cxtrait  de  millefleurs,"  added  she,  scenting  her 
'kerchief  with  some. 

Then  there  was  a  hurried,  frightened  "Aws// .'"  followed  by  a 
"  Take  care  that  ugly  man  of  his  doesn't  come." 

"  Did  you  ever  see  such  a  monster  !  "  ejaculated  the  other 
earnestly. 

"  Kept  his  horrid  eyes  fixed  upon  me  the  wliole  dinner," 
observed  the  first  speaker. 

"  Frights  they  are,"  reioined  the  other. 


120  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  He  must  keep  him  for  a  foil,"  suggested  the  first. 

"  Let's  go,  or  we'll  be  caught ! "  replied  the  alarmist ;  and  forth- 
with the  rustling  of  silks  was  resumed,  the  candles  hurried  past, 
and  the  ladies  tripped  softly  out  of  the  room,  leaving  the  door 
ajar,  with  Jack  under  the  bed  to  digest  their  compliments  at  his 
leisure.     *     *     * 

But  Monsieur  was  too  many  for  them.  Miss  had  dropped  her 
glove  at  the  foot  of  the  bed,  which  Jack  found  on  emerging  from 
his  hiding  place,  and  waiting  until  he  had  the  whole  party  re- 
assembled at  tea,  he  walked  majestically  into  the  middle  of  the 
drawing-room  with  it  extended  on  a  plated  tray,  his  "  horrid  eyes" 
combining  all  the  venom  of  a  French niau  with  the  Jiautciir  of  an 
Englishman,  and  inquired,  in  a  loud  and  audible  voice,  "  Please, 
has  any  lady  or  shentleman  lost  its  glo-o-ve  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I  have  ! "  replied  Miss,  hastily,  who  had  been  wondering 
where  she  had  dropped  it. 

"  Indeed,  marm,"  replied  Monsieur,  bowing  and  presenting  it 
to  her  on  the  tray,  adding,  in  a  still  louder  voice,  "I  found  it  in 
Monsieur  Pringle's  bed-eoom."  And  Jack's  flashing  eye  saw 
by  the  brightly  colouring  girls  which  were  the  oilenders. 

Very  much  shocked  was  Mamma  at  the  announcement ;  and 
the  young  ladies  were  so  put  about,  that  they  could  scarcely 
compose  themselves  at  the  piano,  while  Miss  Hai-riet's  voice 
soared  exultingly  as  she  accompanied  herself  on  her  harp. 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

THE   major's   stud. 


Mrs.  Yamjierton  can-ied  the  day,  and  the  young  ladies 
carried  paper-booted  Billy,  or  rather  walked  him  up  to  Mrs. 
Wasperton's  at  Prospect  Hill,  and  showed  him  the  ugly  girls,  and 
also  the  beautiful  view  from  Eaglcton  Rocks,  over  the  wide- 
spreading  vale  of  Vernerley  beyond,  which,  of  course,  Billy 
enjoyed  amazingly,  as  all  young  gentlemen  do  enjoy  views  under 
such  pleasant  circumstances.  Perhaps  he  might  have  enjoyed  it 
more,  if  two  out  of  three  of  the  dear  charmei-s  had  been  absent, 
but  then  things  had  not  got  to  that  pass,  and  Mamma  would 
not  have  thought  it  proper — at  least,  not  unless  she  saw  her  way 
to  a  very  decided  preference — which,  of  course,  was  then  out  of 
the  question.  Billy  was  a  great  swell,  and  the  "chaws  "  who  met 
him   stared    with    astonishment    at    such   an   elegant   parasol'd 


ASK    MAMMA.  121 

exquisite,  picking  his  way  daintily  along  the  dirty,  sloppy,  rutty 
lanes.  Like  all  gentlemen  in  similar  circumstances,  he  declared 
his  boots  "  wouldn't  take  in  wet." 

Of  course,  Mamma  charged  the  girls  not  to  be  out  late,  an 
injunction  that  applied  as  well  to  precaution  against  the  night 
air,  as  to  the  importance  of  getting  Billy  back  by  afternoon  stable 
time,  when  the  Major  purposed  treating  him  to  a  sight  of  his 
stud,  and  trying  to  lay  the  foundation  of  a  sale. 

Perhaps  our  sporting  readers  would  like  to  take  a  look  into  the 
Major's  stable  before  he  comes  with  his  victim,  Fine  Billy.  If  so, 
let  them  accompany  us  ;  meanwhile  our  lady  friends  can  skip  the 
chapter  if  they  do  not  like  to  read  about  horses — or  here  ;  if  they 
will  step  this  way,  and  here  comes  the  Dairymaid,  they  can  look 
at  the  cows  :  real  Durham  short-horns,  with  great  milking 
powers  and  most  undeniable  pedigrees.  Ah,  we  thought  they 
would  tickle  your  fancy.  The  cow  is  to  the  lady,  what  the  horse 
is  to  the  gentleman,  or,  on  the  score  of  usefulness,  what  hare- 
hunting  is  to  fox-hunting — or  shooting  to  hunting.  Master  may 
have  many  horses  pulled  backwards  out  of  his  stable  without 
exciting  half  the  commiseration  among  the  fair,  that  the  loss  of 
one  nice  quiet  milk-giving  cushy  cow  affords.  Cows  are  friendly 
creatures.  They  remember  peo])le  longer  than  almost  any  other 
animal,  dogs  not  excepted.  Well,  here  are  four  of  them.  Old 
Lily,  Strawberry  Cream,  Red  Rose,  and  Toy  ;  the  house  is  clean 
and  sweet,  and  smells  of  milk,  and  well-made  hay,  instead  of  the 
nasty  brown-coloured  snuff-smelling  stuff  that  some  people  think 
good  enough  for  the  poor  cow. 

The  Major  is  proud  of  his  cows,  and  against  the  white- 
washed wall  he  has  pasted  the  description  of  a  perfect  one,  in 
order  that  people  may  compare  the  originals  with  the  portrait. 
Thus  it  runs  : — 

JShu's  long  in  the  fncc,  she's  fine  in  the  horn, 
She'll  quickly  pet  fat  without  cake  or  corn  ; 
She's  clean  in  her  jaws,  and  full  in  her  chine, 
She's  heavy  in  flank,  and  wide  in  her  loin  ; 
She's  broad  in  her  rilis,  and  long  in  her  rump, 
A  stiaight  and  flat  back  without  ever  a  hurup  ; 
She's  wide  in  her  hips,  and  calm  in  her  eyes, 
She's  fine  in  her  shoulders,  and  thin  in  her  thigtiB : 
She's  liirht  in  lier  neck,  and  small  in  her  tail, 
She's  wide  at  the  breast,  and  good  at  tlie  pail. 
Slie's  fine  in  her  boiu;  and  silky  of  skin. 
She's  a  glazier's  witliout,  and  a  butcher's  within. 

Now  for  the  stalile  ;    Liii.s   way,  througli    Llic   s;i<lilk-riM)m,  and 


li^  ASK    MAJ\rMA. 

mind  the  whitening  on  the  walls.  Stoop  your  head,  for  the  Major 
being  low  himself,  has  made  the  door  on  the  principle  of  all  other 
people  being  low  too.  There,  there  you  are,  you  see,  in  a  stable 
as  neat  and  clean  as  a  London  dealer's  ;  a  Newmarket  straw  plait, 
a  sanded  floor  with  a  roomy  bench  against  the  wall  on  which  the 
Major  kicks  his  legs  and  stutters  forth  the  merits  of  his  steeds. 
They  are  six  in  number,  and  before  he  comes  we  will  just 
run  the  reader  through  the  lot,  with  the  aid  of  truth  for  an 
accompaniment. 

This  grey,  or  rather  white  one  next  the  wall,  White  Surrey,  as 
he  calls  him,  is  the  old  quivering  tailed  horse  he  rode  on  the  de 
Glancey  day,  and  pulled  up  to  save,  from  the  price-depressing 
inconvenience  of  being  beat.  He  is  eighteen  years  old,  the  Major 
having  got  him  when  he  was  sixteen,  in  a  sort  of  part  purchase, 
part  swap,  part  barter  deal.  He  gave  young  Mr.  Meggison  of 
Spoonbill  Park  thirteen  pounds  ten  shillings,  an  old  mahogany 
Piano-Forte,  by  l^roadwood,  six  and  a  half  octaves,  a  Squirrel 
Cage,  two  Sun-blinds,  and  a  very  feeble  old  horse  called  Nonpareil, 
that  Tom  Eivett  the  blacksmith  declared  it  would  be  like  robbing 
Meggison  to  put  new  shoes  on  to,  for  him.  He  is  a  game  good 
shaped  old  horse,  but  having  frequently  in  the  course  of  a 
chequered  career,  been  in  that  hardest  of  all  hard  places,  the  hands 
of  young  single  horse  owners.  White  Surrey  has  done  the  work  of 
three  or  four  horses.  He  has  been  fired  and  blistered,  and 
blistered  and  fired,  till  his  legs  are  as  round  and  as  callous  as  those 
of  a  mahogany  dining-table  ;  still  it  is  wonderful  how  they  support 
him,  and  as  he  has  never  given  the  Major  a  fall,  he  rides  him  as 
if  he  thought  he  never  would.  His  price  is  sometimes  fifty,  some- 
times foily,  sometimes  thirty,  and  there  are  times  when  he  might 
be  bought  for  a  little  less — two  sovereigns,  perhaps,  returned  out 
of  the  thirty.  The  next  one  to  him — the  white  legged  brown, — is 
of  the  antediluvian  order  too.  He  is  now  called  Woodpecker,  but 
he  may  be  traced  by  half-a-dozen  aliases  through  other  stables — 
Buckhunter,  Captain  Tart,  Fleacatcher,  Sportsman,  Marc  Anthony, 
&c.  He  is  nearly,  if  not  quite  thorough  bred,  and  the  ignoble 
purposes  to  which  he  has  been  subjected,  false  start  making, 
steeple  chasing,  flat  and  hurdle  racing,  accounts  for  the  number  of 
his  names.  The  Major  got  him  from  Captain  Caret,  of  the  Apple- 
pie  huzzars,  when  that  gallant  regiment  was  ordered  out  to  India, 
— taking  him  all  away  together,  saddle,  bridle,  clothing,  &c,,  for 
twenty-three  pounds,  a  strong  iron-bound  chest,  fit  for  sea 
purposes,  as  the  ]\Iajor  described  it,  and  a  spying  glass.  This 
horse,  like  all  the  rest  of  thcni,  indeed,  is  variously  priced,  depend- 
ing upon  the  party  asking,  sometimes  fifty,  sometimes  five-and- 
twenty  would  buy  him. 


ASK    MAMMA.  128 

The  third  is  a  mare,  a  black  mare,  called  Star,  late  the  property 
of  Mr.  Hazey,  the  horse-dealing  master  of  the  Sqneezington 
hounds.  Hazey  sold  her  in  his  usual  course  of  horse-dealing 
cheating  to  young  Mr.  Sprigginson,  of  Marygold  Lodge,  for  a 
hundred  and  twenty  guineas  (the  shillings  back),  Hazey's  dis- 
crimination enabling  him  to  see  that  she  was  turning  weaver,  and 
Sprigginson  not  liking  her,  returned  her  on  the  warranty  ;  when, 
of  course,  Hazey  refusing  to  receive  her,  she  was  sent  to  the 
Eclipse  Livery  and  Bait  Stables  at  Hinton,  where,  after  weaving 
her  head  oft",  she  was  sold  at  the  hammer  to  the  Major  for  twenty- 
nine  pounds.  Sprig  then  brought  an  action  against  Hazey  for  the 
balance,  bringing  half-a-dozen  witnesses  to  prove  that  she  wove 
when  she  came  ;  Hazey,  of  course,  bringing  a  dozen  to  swear  that 
she  never  did  nothin'  'o  the  sort  with  him,  and  must  have  learnt 
it  on  the  road  ;  and  the  jury  being  perplexed,  and  one  of  them 
having  a  cow  to  calve,  another  wanting  to  see  liis  sweetheart,  and 
the  rest  wanting  their  dinners,  they  just  tossed  up  for  it, 
"  Heads  !  "  for  Sprig  ;  "  Tails  !  "  for  Hazey,  and  Sprig  won. 
There  she  goes,  you  see,  weaving  backwards  and  forwards  like  a 
caged  panther  in  a  den.  Still  she  is  far  from  being  the  worst  that 
the  Major  has  ;  indeed,  we  are  not  sure  that  she  is  not  about  the 
best,  only,  as  Solomon  says,  with  reference  to  her  weaving,  she  gets 
the  "  langer  the  warser." 

Number  four  is  a  handsome  whole  coloured  bright  bay  horse, 
"  Napoleon  the  Great,"  as  the  Major  calls  him,  in  hopes  that  his 
illustrious  name  will  sell  him,  for  of  all  bad  tickets  he  ever  had, 
the  Major  thinks  Nap  is  the  worst.  At  starting,  he  is  all  fire, 
fi'isk,  and  emulation,  but  before  he  has  gone  five  miles,  he  begins 
to  droop,  and  in  hunting  knocks  up  entirely  before  he  has  crossed 
half-a-dozen  fields.  He  is  a  weak,  watery,  washy  creature,  wanting 
no  end  of  coddling,  boiled  corn,  and  linseed  tea.  One  hears  of 
two  days  a-week  horses,  but  Napoleon  the  Great  is  a  day  in  two 
weeks  one.  The  reader  will  wonder  how  the  Major  came  to  get 
such  an  animal,  still  more  how  he  came  to  keep  him  ;  above  all, 
how  he  ever  came  to  have  him  twice.  The  mystery,  however,  is 
explained  on  the  old  bartering,  huckstering,  half-and-half  system. 
The  Major  got  him  first  from  Tom  Brandysncak,  a  low  public- 
house-keeping  leather- plater,  one  of  those  sporting  men,  not 
sportsmen,  who  talk  about  supporting  the  turf,  as  if  they  did 
it  like  the  noblemen  of  old,  upon  principle,  instead  of  for  what 
they  can  put  into  their  own  pockets  ;  and  the  Major  gave  Sneak 
an  old  green  dog-cai't,  a  melon  frame,  sixteen  volumes  of  the 
"  Racing  Calendar,"  bound  in  calf,  a  ton  of  seed-hay,  fifty  yards 
of  Oroggon's  asphalt  roofing  felt,  and  three  "golden  sovei-eigns  " 
for  him.     Nap  was  then  doing  duty  under  the  title  of  Jolmu) 


124  ASK    MAMMA. 

E,avv,  his  calling  being  to  appear  at  different  posts  whenever  the 
cruel  conditions  of  a  race  required  a  certain  number  of  horees  to 
start  in  order  to  secure  the  added  money  ;  but  Johnny  enacted 
tliat  office  so  often  for  the  benefit  of  the  "  Honourable  Society  of 
Confederated  Legs,"  that  the  stewards  of  races  framed  their  condi- 
tions for  excluding  him  ;  and  Johnny's  occupation  being  gone,  he 
came  to  the  Major  in  manner  aforesaid.  Being,  however,  a  horse 
of  prepossessing  appearance,  a  good  bay,  with  four  clean  black 
legs,  a  neat  well  set-on  head,  with  an  equally  neat  set-on  tail, 
a  flowing  mane,  and  other  &c.s,  he  soon  passed  into  the  possession 
of  young  Mr.  Tabberton,  of  Green  Linnet  Hill,  whose  grand- 
mamma had  just  given  him  a  hundred  guineas  wherewith  to  buy 
a  good  horse — a  real  good  one  he  was  to  be — a  h  undred-guinea-one 
in  fact.  Tabberton  soon  took  all  the  gay  insolence  out  of  Johnny's 
tail,  and  brought  him  back  to  the  Major,  sadly  dilapidated — a  sad 
satire  upon  his  former  self. 

Meanwhile  the  Major  had  filled  up  his  stall  with  a  handsome 
rich-coloured  brown  mare,  with  a  decidedly  doubtful  fore-leg ; 
and  the  Major,  all  candour  and  affability,  readily  agreed  to 
exchange,  on  condition  of  getting  five-and-twenty  pounds  to  boot. 
The  mare  presently  went  down  to  exercise,  confirming  the  Major's 
opinion  of  the  instability  of  her  leg,  and  increasing  his  confidence 
in  his  own  judgment.  Napoleon  the  Great,  late  Johnny  Raw,  now 
reigns  in  her  stead,  and  very  well  he  looks  in  the  straw.  Indeed, 
that  is  his  proper  place  ;  and  as  many  people  only  keep  their 
horses  to  look  at,  there  is  no  reason  why  Napoleon  the  Great  should 
remain  in  the  Major's  stables.  He  certainly  won't  if  the  Major 
can  help  it. 

Number  five  is  a  vulgar  looking  little  dun-duck-et-y  mud- 
coloured  horse,  with  long  white  stockings,  and  a  large  white  face, 
called  Bull-dog,  that  Solomon  generally  rides.  Nobody  knows 
how  old  he  is,  or  how  many  masters  he  has  had,  or  wliere  he  came 
from,  or  who  his  father  was,  or  whether  he  had  a  gi'andfather,  or 
anything  whatever  about  him.  The  ]\Iajor  got  him  for  a  mere 
nothing — nine  pounds — at  Joe  Seton's,  the  runaway  Vet's  sale, 
about  five  years  ago,  and  being  so  desperately  ugly  aud  common 
looking,  no  one  has  ever  attempted  to  deprive  tlic  Major  of  him 
either  in  the  way  of  barter  or  sale.  Still  l)nlly  is  a  capital 
Blave,  always  ready  either  to  hunt,  or  hack,  or  go  in  harness, 
and  will  pass  anything  except  a  public-lionse,  being  familiarly 
and  favourably  known  at  tlie  doors  of  every  one  in  the  county. 
Like  most  horses,  he  has  his  little  peculiarity  ;  and  his  consists 
of  a  sort  of  rheumatic  affection  of  the  hind  leg,  which  causes 
him  to  catoh  it  up,  and  sends  him  limping  along  on  three  k-j^^, 
like   a   lame   dog.   but   still    he    never    comes    down,    and    tLt^ 


ASK    MAMMA.  Ifi6 

attack  soon  goes  off.  Solomon  and  lie  look  very  like  their  work 
together. 

The  next  horse  to  Bull-dog,  and  the  last  in  the  stable,  is  Golden- 
drop,  a  soft,  mealy  chestnut— of  all  colours  the  most  objectionable. 
He  is  a  hot,  pulling,  hauling,  rushing,  rough-actioned  animal, 
that  gives  a  rider  two  days'  exercise  in  one. 

The  worst  of  him  is,  he  has  the  impudence  to  decline  harness  ; 
for  though  he  doesn't  "  mill,"  as  they  call  it,  he  yet  runs  back- 
wards as  fast  as  forwards,  and  would  crash  through  a  plate-glass 
window,  a  gate,  a  conservatory,  or  anything  else  that  happened  to 
1)0  behind.  As  a  hack  he  is  below  mediocrity,  for  in  his  walk  he 
digs  his  toes  into  the  ground  about  every  tenth  step,  and  either 
comes  down  on  his  nose,  or  sets  off  at  score  for  fear  of  a  licking, 
added  to  which,  he  shies  at  every  heap  of  stones  and  other  avail- 
able object  on  the  road,  whereby  he  makes  a  ten  miles'  journey  into 
one  of  twelve.  The  IMajor  got  him  of  Mr.  Brisket,  the  butcher, 
at  Hinton,  being  taken  with  the  way  in  which  his  hatless  lad  spun 
him  about  the  ill-paved  streets,  with  the  meat-basket  on  his  arm — 
the  full  trot,  it  may  be  observed,  being  the  animal's  pace — but 
having  got  him  home,  the  more  the  Major  saw  of  him  the  less  he 
liked  him.  He  had  a  severe  deal  for  him  too,  and  made  two  or 
three  journeys  over  to  Ilinton  on  market-days,  and  bought  a 
pennyworth  of  whipcord  of  one  saddler,  a  set  of  spur-leathers  of 
another,  a  pot  of  harness-paste  of  a  third,  in  order  to  pump  them 
about  the  horse  ere  he  ventured  to  touch.  He  also  got  Mr.  Paul 
8traddler,  the  disengaged  gentleman  of  the  place,  whose  greatest 
^/leasure  is  to  be  employed  upon  a  deal,  to  ferret  out  all  he  could 
about  him,  who  reported  that  the  horse  was  perfectly  sound,  and  a 
capital  feeder,  which  indeed  he  is,  for  he  will  attack  anything, 
from  a  hayband  down  to  a  hedge-stake.  You  see  he's  busy  on  his 
bedding  now. 

Brisket  knowing  his  man,  and  that  the  ]\Iajor  killed  his  own 
mutton,  and  occasionally  beef,  in  the  winter,  so  that  there  was  no 
good  to  be  got  of  him  in  the  meat  way,  determined  to  ask  a  stiff 
price,  viz.,  '2bL  (Brisket  having  given  11/.),  which  the  ^lajor 
having  beat  down  to  23/.  commenced  on  the  mercantile  line, 
which  Brisket's  then  appr<»acliing  marriage  favoured,  and  the  !Major 
ultimately  gave  a  fonr-jiost  mahogany  bedstead,  with  blue  damask 
furniture,  palliasse  and  mattress  to  match  ;  a  mahogany  toilet- 
mirror,  23  inches  hy  I's  ;  a  hut-water  piulding-disli,  a  silver-edged 
cake-basket,  a  bad  barometer,  a  child's  bireh-wood  crii),  a  chess- 
board, and  2/.  lO.s.  in  cash  for  him.  the  2/.  ](•.<;.  being,  as  the 
Major  now  declares  (to  himself,  of  course,)  far  more  than  his  real 
wnrlli.  Ifowevei',  thi'fe  the  hor>;e  stands;  and  though  he  has 
b<'en   down  twice   with   the  ^lajor,  and  <ince  with  the   IJunibler, 


126  ASK    BTAMMA, 

these  little  fore  paws  (faux  pas)  as  the  IMajor  calls  them,  have 
been  on  the  soft,  and  the  knees  bear  no  evidence  of  the  fact. 
Such  is  our  friend's  present  stud,  and  such  is  its  general 
character. 

But  stay !  We  are  omitting  the  horse  in  this  large  family- 
pew-looking  box  at  the  end,  whose  drawa  curtains  have  caused 
us  to  overlook  him.  He  is  another  of  the  Major's  bad  tickets, 
and  one  of  which  he  has  just  become  possessed  in  the  following 
way  :— 

Having — in  furtherance  of  his  character  of  a  "  thorrer  sports- 
man," and  to  preserve  the  spirit  of  impartiality  so  becoming  an 
old  master  of  "  haryers  " — gone  to  Sir  Moses  Mainchance's  opening 
day,  as  well  as  to  my  Lord's,  Sir  Moses,  as  if  in  appreciation  of  the 
compliment,  had  offered  to  give  the  horse  on  which  his  second 
whip  was  blundering  among  the  blind  ditches. 

The  Major  jumped  at  the  offer,  for  the  horse  looked  well  with 
the  whip  on  him  ;  and,  as  he  accepted,  Sir  Moses  increased  the 
stream  of  his  generosity  by  engagiug  the  Major  to  dine  and  taka 
him  away.  Sir  Moses  had  a  distinguished  party  to  meet  him,  and 
was  hospitality  itself.  He  plied  our  Major  with  champagne,  and 
hock,  and  Barsac,  and  Sauterne,  and  port,  and  claret,  and  compli- 
ments, but  never  alluded  to  the  horse  until  about  an  hour  after 
dinner,  when  Mr.  Sraoothley,  the  jackal  of  the  hunt,  brought  him 
on  the  tapis. 

"  Ah  ! "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  as  if  in  sudden  recollection, 
"  that's  true  !  Major,  you're  quite  welcome  to  '  Little-bo-peep,' 
(for  so  he  had  christened  him,  in  order  to  account  for  his  inquisi- 
tive manner  of  peering).  Your  quite  welcome  to  'Little-bo-peep,' 
and  I  hope  he'll  be  useful  to  you." 

"  Thank'e,  Sir  Moses,  thank'e  ! "  bobbed  the  grateful  Major, 
thinking  what  a  good  chap  the  baronet  was. 

*'  Not  a  bit !  "  replied  Sir  Moses,  chucking  up  his  chin,  just  as 
if  he  was  in  the  habit  of  giving  a  horse  away  every  other  day 
in  the  week.  "  Not  a  lit !  Keep  him  as  long  as  you  like — 
all  the  season  if  you  please — and  send  him  back  when  you  are 
done." 

Tiieu,  as  if  in  deprecation  of  any  more  thanks,  he  plied  the  wine 
again,  and  gave  the  Major  and  his  "  harriers  "  in  a  speecli  of 
great  gammonosity.  Tiie  Major  was  divided  between  mortifi- 
cation at  the  reduction  of  the  gift  into  a  loan,  and  gratification  at 
the  compliment  now  paid  him,  but  was  speedily  comforted  by  the 
flattering  reception  his  health,  and  the  stereotyped  speech  in  which 
he  returned  thanks,  met  at  the  hands  of  the  company.  He 
thouglit  he  must  be  very  populnv.  Thon,  when  they  were  all  well 
wined,  and  had  gathered  r.jiiiul  the  sparkling  fire  with  their  coll'ee 


ASK    MAMMA. 


ii;? 


or  their  Cura^oa  in  their  liaiids,  Sir  Moses  button-holed  the  Major 
with  a  loud  familiar,  "  I'll  tell  ye  what,  Yamincrton  !  you're  a 
devilish  good  feller,  and  there  shall  l)e  no  obligation  between 
ntj — you  shall  just  give  me  forty  puns  for  '  Little-bo-peep,'  and 


siicii  i.ii  111;  IN  i,i:-i.i:-i.i;-t.i:i(Ksti;ksiiiuj.. 


that's  making  yoii  a  ))i'C8ent  of  him.  foi'  it's  a  hundred  less  than  I 
gave." 

"Ah!  that  s  the  way  \o  di.  it  !  '  exclaimed  Mr.  Smoothley. 
as  if  delighted  at  Sir  Moses' ha \ing  dropped  n]i()ii  the  right  cdiirse. 
"  Ah  !    I/h/1\s  the   wiiy  (o  d<i   it  I  "  I'epentcd  he.  swinging  himself 


188  A8K    MAMMA. 

gaily  round  on  his  toe,  with  a  loud  snap  of  his  finger  and  thumb  in 
the  air. 

And  Sir  Moses  said  it  in  such  a  kind,  considerate,  matter-of- 
course  sort  of  way,  before  company  too,  and  Smoothley  clenched  it 
so  neatly,  that  our  wine-flushed  Major,  acute  as  he  is,  hadn't  pre- 
sence of  mind  to  say  "No."  So  he  was  saddled  with  "  Little-bo- 
peep,"  who  has  already  lost  one  eye  from  cataract,  which  is  fast 
going  with  the  other. 

But  see !  Here  comes  Solomon  followed  by  the  Bumbler  in 
fustian,  and  the  boy  from  the  farm,  and  we  shall  soon  have  the 
Major  and  Billy,  so  let  us  step  into  Bo-peep's  box,  ani  hear  the 
Major's  description  of  his  stud. 


Scarcely  have  the  grooms  dispersed  the  fast-gathering  gloom  of 
a  November  afternoon,  by  lighting  the  mould  candles  in  the 
cord-suspended  lanterns  slung  along  the  ceiling,  and  began 
to  hiss  at  the  straw,  when  the  Major  entered,  with  our  friend 
Billy  at  his  heels.  The  Bumbler  and  Chaw  then  put  on 
extra  activity,  and  the  stable  being  presently  righted,  heads 
were  loosened,  water  supplied,  and  the  horses  excited  by  Solo- 
mon's well-known  peregrination  to  the  crushed  corn-bin.  AH  ears 
were  then  pricked,  eyes  cast  oack,  and  hind-quarters  tucked  under 
to  respond  gaily  to  the  "  come  over  "  of  the  feeder. 

The  late  watchful  whinnying  restlessness  is  succeeded  by  gulp- 
ing, diving,  energetic  eating.  Our  friend  having  passed  his  regi- 
ment of  horses  in  silent  review,  while  the  hissing  was  going  on, 
now  exchanges  a  few  confidential  words  with  the  stud  groom,  as  if 
he  left  everything  to  him,  and  then  passes  upwards  to  where  he 
started  from.  Solomon  having  plenty  to  do  elsewhere,  presently 
retires,  followed  by  his  helpers,  and  the  Major  and  Billy  seat  them- 
selves on  the  bench.  After  a  few  puffs  and  blows  of  the  cheeks 
and  premonitory  jerks  of  the  legs,  the  ^lajor  nods  an  approving 
"  nice  'oss,  that,"  to  Napoleon  the  Great,  standing  opposite,  who  is 
the  first  to  look  up  from  his  food,  being  with  it  as  with  his  work, 
always  in  a  desperate  hurry  to  begin,  and  in  an  equally  great  one 
to  leave  off. 

"Nice  'oss,  that,"  repeats  the  Major,  nodding  again. 

"  Yarse,  he  looks  like  a  nice  'orse  ; "  replied  Billy,  which  is  really 
as  much  as  any  man  can  say  under  the  circumstances. 

"That 'oss  should  have  won  the  D-d-d-derbyin  Nobbler'syear," 
observed  the  Major ;  ••  only  they  d-d-drugged  him  the  night  before 
starting,  and  he  didn't  get  half  round  the  c-c-co-course,"  which 
was  true  enough,  only  it  wasn't  owing  to  any  drugging,  for  he 
v.a.su't  v.'orL'i  the  ex[icuse. 


ASK    MAMMA.  129 

"  That  'oss  should  be  in  Le-le-le-leicestershire,"  observed  the 
Major.  "He  has  all  the  commandin'  s-s-s-statur  requisite  to  make 
large  fences  look  s-s-s-small,  and  the  s-s-s-smoothest,  oiliest  action 
i-ma-ma-maginal)Ic." 

"  Yarse  ;  "  replied  Billy,  wondering  what  pleasure  there  was  in 
looking  at  a  lot  of  bhxnkcts  and  hoods  upon  horses — which  was 
about  all  he  could  see. 

"  He  should  be  at  ^rc-me-melton,"  observed  the  Major ;  still 
harping  on  Napoleon — ■'  wasted  upon  haryers,"  added  he. 

"  Yarse  ;"  repHed  Billy,  not  caring  where  he  was. 

The  Major  then  took  a  nod  at  the  Weaver,  who,  as  if  in  aid  of 
her  master's  design,  now  stood  bolt  upright,  listening,  as  it  were, 
instead  of  reeling  from  side  to  side. 

"  That's  a  sw-s\v-swe-e-t  mare,"  observed  the  Major,  wishing  he 
was  rid  of  her.  "  I  don't  know  whether  I  would  rather  have  her 
or  the  horse  (Nap)  ; "  which  was  true  enou-h,  though  he  knew 
which  he  would  hke  to  sell  Billy. 

"  You'll  remember  the  g-g-gray,  the  whi-white,"  continued  he  ; 
looking  on  at  the  old  stager  against  the  wall.  "  That's  the  'oss  I 
rode  with  the  Peer,  on  the  Castle  day,  and  an  undeniable  g-g-good 
one  he  is  ; "  but  knowing  that  he  was  not  a  young  man's  horse — 
moreover,  not  wanting  to  sell  him,  he  returned  to  Napoleon, 
whose  praises  lie  again  sounded  considerably.  Billy,  however, 
having  heard  enough  about  him,  and  wanting  to  get  into  the 
house  to  the  ladies,  drew  his  attention  to  Bull-dog,  now  almost 
enveloped  in  blankets  and  straw  ;  but  the  Major,  not  feeling 
inclined  to  waste  any  words  on  him  either,  replied,  "  That  he  was 
only  a  servant's  'oss."  He,  however,  spoke  handsomely  of  Golden- 
drop,  declaring  he  was  the  fastest  trotter  in  England,  perhaps 
in  Europe,  perhaps  in  the  world,  and  would  lie  invaluable  to  a 
B-d-doctor,  or  any  man  who  wanted  to  get  over  the  ground.  And 
then,  thinking  he  had  said  about  enough  for  a  beginning,  it  all  at 
once  occurred  to  him  that  Billy's  feet  must  be  wet,  and  though 
our  friend  asserted  most  confidently  that  they  were  not,  as  all 
townsmen  do  assert  who  walk  about  the  country  in  thin  soles,  the 
Major  persisted  in  urging  him  to  go  in  and  change,  which  Billy 
at  length  reluctantly  assented  to  do. 


130 


ASK    MAMMA. 


CHAPTER    XX. 

CARDS    FOll    A    SPREAD. 

HE  Major's  menage 
not  admitting  of 
two  such  great 
events  as  a  hunt 
and  a  dinner  party 
taking  place  on  the 
same  daj-,  and 
market  interfering 
as  well,  the  hunt 
again  had  to  be 
postponed  to  the  in- 
terests of  the  table. 
Such  an  event  as  a 
distinguished 
stranger — the  friend 
of  an  Earl,  too — 
coming  into  the 
country  could  not 
but  excite  convivial 
expectations,  and  it 
would  ill  become  a  master  of  hounds  and  a  mother  of  daughters 
not  to  parade  the  acquisition.  Still,  raising  a  party  under  such 
circumstances,  required  a  good  deal  of  tact  and  consideration, 
care,  of  course,  being  taken  not  to  introduce  any  matrimonial 
competitor,  at  the  same  time  to  make  the  gathering  sufficiently 
grand,  and  to  include  a  good  bellman  or  two  to  proclain  its 
splendour  over  the  country.  The  ^lajor,  like  a  county  member 
with  his  constituents,  was  somewhat  hampered  with  his  hounds, 
not  being  able  to  ask  exactly  who  he  liked,  for  fear  of  being  hauled 
over  the  coals,  viz.  warned  off  the  land  of  those  who  might  think 
they  ought  to  have  lieen  included,  and  altogether,  the  party 
required  a  good  deal  of  management.  Inclination  in  these 
matters  is  not  of  so  much  moment,  it  being  no  uncommon  thing 
in  the  country  for  people  to  abuse  each  other  right  well  one  day, 
and  dine  together  the  next.  The  "  gap  "  which  the  Major  prized 
so  much  with  his  hounds,  he  strongly  objected  to  with  his  parties. 
Stopping  gaps,  indeed,  sending  out  invitations  at  all  in  the 
country,  so  as  not  to  look  like  stopping  gaps,  requires  circumspec- 
tion, where  people  seem  to  have  nothing  whatever  to  do  but  to 


WRITIXr,   THK 


ASK    MAMMA.  131 

note  their  neighbours'  movements.  Let  any  one  watch  the 
progress  of  an  important  trial,  one  for  murder  say,  and  mark  the 
wonderful  way  in  which  country  people  come  forward,  long  after 
the  event,  to  depose  to  facts,  that  one  would  imagine  would  never 
have  been  noticed — the  passing  of  a  man  with  a  cow,  for  instance, 
just  as  they  dropped  their  noses  upon  their  bacon  plates,  the 
suspension  of  payment  by  their  clock,  on  that  morning,  or  the 
post  messenger  being  a  few  minutes  late  with  the  letters  on  that 
day,  and  so  on.  What  then  is  there  to  prevent  people  from  laying 
that  and  that  together,  where  John  met  James,  or  Michael  saw 
Mary,  so  as  to  be  able  to  calculate,  whether  they  were  included  in 
the  first,  second,  or  third  batch  of  invitations  ?  Towns-people 
escape  this  difficulty,  as  also  the  equally  disagreeable  one  of 
having  it  known  whether  their  "  previous  engagements  "  are  reaJ 
or  imaginary  ;  but  then,  on  the  other  hand,  they  have  the  incon- 
venience of  feeling  certain,  that  as  sure  as  ever  they  issue  cards 
for  a  certain  day,  every  one  else  will  be  seized  with  a  mania  for 
giving  dinners  on  the  same  one.  No  one  can  have  an  idea  of  the  ex- 
tent of  London  hospitality — who  has  not  attempted  to  give  a  dinner 
there.  Still,  it  is  a  difficult  world  to  please,  even  in  the  matter  of 
mastication,  for  some  people  who  abuse  you  if  you  don't  ask  them 
to  dine,  abuse  you  quite  as  much  if  you  do.  Take  the  Eeverend 
Mr.  Tightlace,  the  rector,  and  his  excellent  lady,  for  instance. 
Tightlace  was  always  complaining,  at  least  observing,  that  the 
Yammertons  never  asked  them  to  dine  —  wondered  "  why  the 
Yammertons  never  asked  them  to  dine,  was  very  odd  they  never 
asked  them  to  dine,"  and  yet,  when  Miss  Yammerton's  best 
copper-plate  handwriting  appeared  on  the  highly-musked  best 
cream-laid  satin  note-paper,  "  requesting,  &c."  Tightlace  pretended 
to  be  quite  put  out  at  the  idea  of  having  to  go  to  meet  that  wild 
sporting  youth,  who,  "  he'd  be  bound  to  say,  could  talk  of  nothing 
but  hunting."  Indeed,  having  most  reluctantly  accepted  the  in- 
vitation, he  found  it  necessary  to  cram  for  the  occasion,  and  having 
borrowed  a  copy  of  that  veteran  volume,  the  "British  Sportsman," 
he  read  up  all  the  long  chapter  on  racing  and  hunting,  how  to 
prepare  a  horse  for  a  hunting  match  or  plate  ;  directions  for  riding 
a  hunting  match  or  plate ;  of  hunting  the  hare,  and  hunting  the 
fox,  with  directions  for  the  choice  of  a  hunter,  and  the  management 
of  a  hunter  ;  part  of  which  latter  consisted  in  putting  him  to 
grass  between  May  and  Bartholomew-tide,  and  comforting  his 
stomach  before  going  out  to  hunt  with  toasted  bread  and  wine,  or 
toasted  bread  and  ale,  and  other  valuable  information  of  that 
sort — all  of  which  Tightlace  stored  in  his  mind  for  future  use 
—  thinking  to  reduce  liis  great  intellect  to  the  level  of  Billy'? 
capacity. 


732  ASK    MAMMA. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Rocket  Larkspur,  of  Ninian  Green,  were  also 
successfully  angled  for  and  caught ;  indeed,  Mrs.  Larkspur  would 
l:ave  been  much  disappointed  if  they  had  not  been  invited,  for 
8he  had  heard  of  Billy's  elegant  api)earance  from  her  maid,  and 
being  an  aspiring  lady,  had  a  great  desire  to  cultivate  an 
acquaintance  with  high  life,  in  wliich  Billy  evidently  moved. 
Rocket  was  a  good  slow  sort  of  gentleman-farmer,  quite  a  contrast 
to  his  fast  wife,  who  was  all  fire,  bustle,  and  animation,  wanting 
to  manage  everybody's  house  and  affairs  for  them.  He  had 
married  her,  it  was  supposed,  out  of  sheer  submission,  because 
she  had  made  a  dead  set  at  him,  and  would  not  apparently  be  said 
"nay"  to.  It  is  a  difficult  thing  to  manoeuvre  a  determined 
woman  in  the  country,  where  your  habits  are  known,  and  they  can 
assail  you  at  all  points — church,  streets,  fields,  roads,  lanes,  all  are 
open  to  tliem  ;  or  they  can  even  get  into  your  house  under  plea  of 
a  charity  subscription,  if  needs  be.  Mrs.  and  Miss  Dotherington, 
of  Goney  Garth,  were  invited  to  do  the  Moi-ning  Post  department, 
and  because  there  was  no  fear  of  Miss  Dotherington,  who  was 
"  very  amiable,"  interfering  with  our  Billy.  Mrs.  Dotherington's 
other  fortBy  besides  propagating  parties,  consisted  in  angling  for 
legacies,  and  she  was  continually  on  the  trot  looking  after  or  kill- 
ing people  from  whom  she  had,  or  fancied  she  had,  expectations. 
"  I've  just  been  to  see  poor  Mrs.  Snuff,"  she  would  say,  drawing  a 
long  face  ;  *'  she's  looking  ivretchedly  ill,  poor  thing  ;  fear  she's 
not  long  for  this  world  ; "  or,  with  a  grin,  "  I  suppose  you've 
heard  old  Mr.  Wheezington  has  had  another  attack  in  the  night, 
which  nearly  carried  him  off."  Nothing  pleased  her  so  much  as 
being  told  that  any  one  from  whom  she  had  expectations  was  on 
the  wane.     She  could  ill  conceal  her  satisfaction. 

So  far  so  good  ;  the  party  now  numbered  twelve,  six  of  them- 
selves and  six  strangers,  and  nobody  to  interfere  with  Fine  Billy. 
The  question  then  arose,  whether  to  ask  the  Blurkinses,  or  the 
Faireys,  or  the  Crickletons,  and  this  caused  an  anxious  deliberation. 
Blurkins  was  a  landowner,  over  whose  property  the  Major 
frequently  hunted ;  but  then  on  the  other  hand,  he  was  a  most 
disagreeable  person,  who  would  be  sure  to  tread  upon  every  body's 
corns  before  the  evening  was  over.  Indeed,  the  Blurkins'  family, 
like  noxious  vermin,  would  seem  to  have  been  sent  into  the  world 
for  some  inscrutable  purpose,  their  mission  apparently  being  to 
take  the  conceit  out  of  people  by  telling  them  home  truths. 
*'  Lor'  bless  us  !  how  old  you  have  got !  why  you've  lost  a  front 
tooth  !  declare  I  shouldn't  have  known  you  !  "  or  *'  Your  nose  and 
your  chin  have  got  into  fearful  proximity,"  was  the  sort  of  salute 
Blurkins  would  give  an  acquaintance  after  an  absence.  Or  if  the 
"  Featherbcdfordsliire   Gazette,"   or    the   "  llit-im   and   Hold-im 


ASK    MAMMA.  133 

Bhire  Herald  "  had  an  unflatteriiif]^  paragraph  respecting  a  party's 
interference  at  the  recent  elections,  or  on  any  other  subject, 
Blurkins  was  the  man  who  would  bring  it  under  his  notice. 
*'  There,  sir,  there  ;  see  what  they  say  about  you  !  "  he  would  say, 
coming  up  in  the  news-room,  with  the  paper  neatly  folded  to  the 
paragraph,  and  presenting  it  to  him. 

The  Faireys  of  Yarrow  Court  were  the  most  producible  people, 
but  then  Miss  was  a  beauty,  who  had  even  presumed  to  vie  with 
the  Yammertons,  and  they  could  not  ask  the  old  people  without 
her.  Besides  which,  it  had  transpired  that  a  large  deal  box, 
carefully  covered  with  glazed  canvas,  had  recently  arrived  at  the 
Eosedale  station,  which  it  was  strongly  suspected  contained  a  new 
dinner  dress  from  Madame  Glace's  in  Hanover  Street  ;  and  it 
would  never  do  to  let  her  sport  it  at  Yammerton  Grange  against 
their  girl's  rather  soiled — but  still  by  candle-light  extremely 
passable — watered  silk  ones.  So,  after  due  deliberation,  the 
Faireys  were  rejected. 

The  Crickletons'  claims  were  then  taken  into  consideration. 

Crick  was  the  son  of  Crickleton,  the  late  eminent  chiropodist  of 
Bolton  Row,  whom  many  of  our  readers  will  remember  parading 
about  London  on  his  piebald  pony,  with  a  groom  in  a  yellow  coat, 
red  plush  breeches,  and  boots  ;  and  the  present  Crickleton  was 
now  what  he  called  "seeking  repose"  in  the  country,  which,  in  his 
opinion,  consisted  in  setting  all  his  neighbours  by  the  ears.  He 
rented  Lavender  Lodge  and  farm,  and  being  a  thorough  Cockney, 
with  a  great  inclination  for  exposing  his  ignorance  both  in  the 
sporting  and  farming  way,  our  knowing  Major  was  making  rather 
a  good  thing  of  him.  At  first  there  was  a  little  rivalry  between 
them,  as  to  which  was  the  greater  man  :  Crickleton  affirming  that 
his  father  might  have  been  knighted  ;  the  Major  replying,  that  as 
long  as  he  wasn't  knighted  it  made  no  matter.  The  Major, 
however,  finding  it  his  interest  to  humour  his  consequence, 
compromised  matters,  by  always  taking  in  !Mrs.  Crickleton,  a 
compliment  that  Crick  returned  by  taking  in  Mrs.  Yammerton. 
Though  the  Major  used,  when  in  the  running-down  tack,  to  laugh 
at  the  idea  of  a  knight's  son  claiming  precedence,  yet,  when  on  the 
running-up  one,  he  used  to  intimate  that  his  friend's  lather  might 
have  been  knighted,  and  even  sometimes  assigned  the  honour  to 
his  friend  himself.     So  he  talked  of  him  to  our  Billy. 

The  usual  preponderating  influence  setting  in  in  favour  of 
acceptances,  our  iiost  and  hostess  were  obliged  to  play  their 
remaining  card  with  caution.  There  were  two  sets  of  people  with 
equal  claims — the  Impelows  of  Buckup  Hill,  and  the  Baskylields 
of  Lingworth  Lawn  ;  the  Impelows,  if  anything,  having  the  prior 
claim,  inasmuch  as  the  Yammertons  had  dined  with  them  last  ; 


134  ASK    MAMMA. 

but  then,  on  the  other  hand,  there  was  a  very  forward  young 
Impelow  whom  they  couldn't  accommodate,  that  is  to  say,  didn't 
want  to  have  ;  while,  as  regarded  the  Baskyficlds,  old  Basky  and 
Crickleton  were  at  daggers  drawn  about  a  sow  Basky  had  sold  him, 
and  they  would  very  likely  get  to  loggerheads  about  it  daring  the 
evening.  A  plan  of  the  table  was  drawn  up,  to  see  if  it  was 
possible  to  separate  them  sufficiently,  supposing  people  would  only 
have  the  sense  to  go  to  their  right  places,  but  it  was  found  to  be 
impracticable  to  do  justice  to  their  consequence,  and  preserve  the 
peace  as  well ;  so  the  idea  of  having  the  Baskyfields  was  obliged  to 
be  relinquished.  This  delay  was  fatal  to  the  Impelows,  for  John 
Giles,  their  man-of-all-work,  having  seen  Solomon  scouring  the 
country  on  horseback  with  a  basket,  in  search  of  superfluous 
poultry,  had  reported  the  forthcoming  grand  spread  at  the  Grange 
to  his  "  Missis  "  ;  and  after  waiting  patiently  for  an  invitation,  it 
at  length  came  so  late  as  to  be  an  evident  convenience,  which  they 
wouldn't  submit  to  ;  so  after  taking  a  liberal  allowance  of  time  to 
answer,  in  order  to  prevent  the  Yammertons  from  playing  the 
same  base  trick  upnn  any  one  else,  they  declined  in  a  stiflF, 
non-reason-assigning  note.  This  was  the  first  check  to  the  hitherto 
prosperous  currentof  events,  and  showed  our  sagacious  friends  that 
the  time  was  past  for  stopping  gaps  Avith  family  people,  and  threw 
them  on  the  other  resources  of  the  district. 

The  usual  bachelor  stop-gaps  of  the  neighbourhood  were  Tom 
lletheringtou,  of  Bearbiuder  Park,  and  Jimmy  Jarperson,  of 
Fothergill  Burn,  both  of  whom  had  their  disqualifications  ; 
Jarperson's  being  an  acute  nerve-shaking  sort  of  laugh,  that  set 
every  one's  teeth  on  edge  who  heard  it,  and  earned  for  him  the  title 
of  tiie  liaughing  Hyaena  ;  the  other's  misfortune  being,  that  he 
was  only  what  may  be  called  an  intermediate  gentleman,  that  is  to 
say,  he  could  act  the  gentleman  up  to  a  pint  of  wine  or  so,  after 
which  quantity  nature  gradually  asserted  her  supremacy,  and  he 
became  himself  again. 

Our  friend  Paul  Straddler,  of  Hinton,  at  one  time  had  had  the 
call  of  them  both,  but  the  ]\Iajor,  considering  that  Straddler  had 
not  used  due  diligence  in  the  matter  of  Golden-drop,  was  not 
inclined  to  have  him.  Besides  which,  Straddler  required  a  bed, 
which  the  Major  was  not  disposed  to  yield,  a  bed  involving  a 
breakfast,  and  perhaps  a  stall  for  his  horse,  to  say  nothing  of  an 
out-of-place  groom  Straddler  occasionally  adopted,  and  who  could 
eat  as  much  as  any  two  men.  So  the  Laughing  Hysna  and 
Hetherington  were  selected. 

And  now,  identic  reader,  if  you  will  have  the  kindness  to  tell  them 
off  on  your  fingers  as  we  call  them  over,  we  will  see  if  we  have  got 
&  full  party,  eighteen,  as  we  said,  being  the  oithodox  tiize  in  tue 


ASK    MAM3IA.  135 

country,  and  as  many  as  ever  the  Major  can  cram  into  his  dining- 
room.     Please  count : — 

Major,  Mrs.,  three  Misses  Yammerton  and  Fine  Billy  .  6 

The  Rev.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Tightlace 2 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Rocket  I.arkspur 2 

Mrs.  and  Miss  Dotherington  ,  ...  2 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Blurkins     ,         .  .         .     ,  2 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Crickleton        .         .  ...  2 

The  Hyfena,  and  Hetherington ....  .2 

18 

All  right  !  eighteen  ;  fourteen  for  dining-room  chairs,  and  four 
for  bedroom  ones.  Tiierc  are  but  twelve  Champagne  needle-cases, 
but  the  deficiency  is  supplied  by  half-a-dozen  ale  glasses  at  the  low 
end  of  the  table,  which  the  Major  says  will  "  never  be  seen." 

So  now,  if  you  please,  we  will  go  and  dress — dinner  being  sharp 
six,  recollect. 


CHAPTER    XXI. 

THE   GATirEUrXG. — THE    GRAND    SPREAD    ITSELF. 

Ff  a  dinner-party  in  town,  with  all  the  aids  and  appliances  ol 
sliara-butlers,  job-cooks,  area-sneak-cntres,  and  extraneous  confec- 
tionary, causes  confusion  in  an  establishment,  how  much  more  so 
must  a  party  in  the  coimtry,  whore,  in  addition  to  the  guests,  their 
St  vants,  their  horses,  and  tlieir  carriages,  arc  to  be  accommodated. 
"What  a  turning-out,  and  putting-up,  and  make-shifting,  is  there  ! 
What  a  grumbling  and  growling  at  not  getting  into  the  best  stable, 
or  at  not  having  the  state-vehicle  put  into  the  coach-house.  If 
Solomon  had  not  combined  the  wisdom  of  his  namesake,  with  the 
patience  of  Job,  he  would  have  succumbed  to  the  pressure  from 
without.  As  it  was,  he  kept  ]icrscvering  on,  until  having  got  the 
last  .shandry-dan  deposited  under  the  hay  house,  he  had  just  time 
to  slip  up-stairs  to  "clean  himself,"  and  be  ready  to  wait  at 
dinner. 

l>ut  what  a  commotion  the  party  makt'S  in  tlie  kitchen  !  Every- 
body is  in  a  state  of  stew,  from  the  gallant  Betty  Bone  down  to 
the  hind's  little  girl  from  Bonnyriggs  Farm,  whom  they  have  "got 
in  "  for  the  occasion. 

Nor  do  their  anxieties  end  with  the  dishing-up  of  the  dinner  ; 
for  no  sooner  is  it  despatched,  than  that  scarcely  less  onerous 
entertainment,  the  supper  for  the  servants,  has  to  be  jtrovided. 


J36  ASK    MAMMA. 

Then  comes  the  coifee,  then  the  tea,  then  the  tray,  and  then  the 
carriages  wanted,  then  good  night,  good  night,  good  night ;  most 
agreeable  evening  ;  no  idea  it  was  so  late  ;  and  getting  away. 
But  the  heat,  and  steam,  and  vapour  of  the  kitchen  overpowers 
us,  and  we  gladly  seek  refuge  in  the  newly  "  done-up  "  drawing- 
room. 

In  it  behold  the  Major  ! — the  Major  in  all  the  glory  of  the 
Yammerton  harrier  uniform,  a  myrtle-green  coat,  with  a  gold 
embroidered  hare  on  the  myrtle-green  velvet  collar,  and  puss  with 
her  ears  well  back,  striding  away  over  a  dead  gold  surface,  with  a 
raised  burnished  rim  of  a  button,  a  nicely-washed,  stiffly-starched, 
white  vest,  with  a  yellow  silk  one  underneath,  black  shorts,  black 
silk  stockings,  and  patent  leather  pumps.  He  has  told  off  his  very 
rare  and  singularly  fine  port  wine,  his  prime  old  Madeira,  matured 
in  the  West  Indies  ;  his  nutty  sherry,  and  excellently  flavoured 
claret,  all  recently  bought  at  the  auction  mart,  not  forgetting  the 
ginger-pop-like  champagne, — allowing  the  liberal  measure  of  a  pint 
for  each  person  of  the  latter,  and  he  is  now  trying  to  cool  himself 
down  into  the  easy-minded,  unconcerned,  every-day-dinner-giving 
host. 

Mrs,  Yammerton  too,  on  whom  devolves  the  care  of  the  wax 
and  the  moderateurs,  is  here  superintending  her  department — 
seeing  that  the  hearth  is  properly  swept,  and  distributing  the 
Punches,  and  Posts,  and  "Ask  Mamma's"  judiciously  over  the  fine 
variegated  table-cover.  She  is  dressed  in  a  rich  silvery  grey — 
with  a  sort  of  thing  like  a  silver  cow  tie,  with  full  tassels,  twisted 
and  twined  serpent-like  into  her  full,  slightly  streaked,  dark  hair. 

The  illumination  being  complete,  she  seats  herself  fan  in  hand  on 
the  sofa,  and  a  solemn  pause  then  ensues,  broken  only  by  Billy's 
and  Monsieur's  meanderings  over-head,  and  the  keen  whistle  of  the 
November  wind  careering  among  the  hollies  and  evergreens  which 
the  Major  keeps  interpreting  into  wheels. 

Then  liis  wife  and  he  seek  to  relieve  the  suspense  of  the  moment 
by  speculating  on  who  will  come  first. 

"  Those  nasty  Tiglitlaces  for  a  guinea,"  observed  the  Major, 
polishing  his  nails,  while  Mrs.  Yammerton  predicted  the 
Larkspurs. 

"  No,  the  Tights,"  reiterated  the  Major,  jingling  his  silver  ; 
"Tights  always  comes  first — thinks  to  catch  one  unprepared — " 

♦  ♦♦*♦♦ 

At  length  the  furious  bark  of  the  inhospitable  terrier,  who 
really  seemed  as  if  he  would  eat  horses,  vehicle,  visitors,  and  all, 
was  folloAved  by  a  quick  grind  up  to  the  door,  and  such  a  pull  at 
the  bell  as  made  the  Major  fear  would  cause  it  to  suspend  payment 


ASK    MAMMA.  137 

for  good — ring-ring-ring-ring-ring  it  went,  as  if  it  was  never  going 
to  stop. 

"  Pulled  the  bell  out  of  the  socket,  for  a  guinea,"  exclaimed  the 
Major,  listening  for  the  letting  down  of  steps,  irou  or  recessed — 
recessed  had  it. 

"  Mrs.  D."  said  the  Major — figuring  her  old  Landaulet  in  his 
mind. 

"  Ladies  evidently,"  assented  Mrs.  Yammerton,  as  the  rustle  of 
silks  on  their  way  to  the  put-to-rights  Sanctum,  sounded  past  the 
drawing-room  door.  The  Major  then  began  speculating  as  to 
whether  they  would  get  announced  before  another  arrival  took 
place,  or  not. 

*#♦♦*♦ 

Presently  a  renewed  rustle  was  succeeded  by  the  now  yellow- 
logged,  brown-backed  Bumbler,  throwing  open  the  door  an(i 
exclaiming  in  a  stentorian  voice,  as  if  he  thought  his  master  and 
mistress  had  turned  suddenly  deaf,  "  Mrs,  and  Miss  Dotherixg- 
TON !"  and  in  an  instant  the  four  were  hugging,  and  grinning,  and 
pump-handling  each  other's  arms  as  if  they  were  going  into 
ecstacies,  Mrs.  Dofcherington  interlarding  her  gymnastics  with 
Mrs.  Yammerton,  with  sly  squeezes  of  the  hand,  suited  to  soU) 
voce  observations  not  intended  for  the  Major's  ears,  of  "  so  ^appy 
to  ear  it  !  so  glad  to  congratulate  you  !  So  nice !  "  with  an 
inquisitive  whisper  of — "  icJiicJi  is  it  ?  which  is  it?  Do  tell  me  !  " 
***»♦» 

Boiv-ivoiv-wow-icoiv-ivow-ivow  went  the  clamorous  Fury  again  ; 
Ring-ring-riinj-rinfj-ring-ring-ring  went  the  aggravated  bell,  half 
drowning  Mrs.  Yammerton's  impressive  "  0  dear  !  nothin'  of  the 
sort — nothin'  of  the  sort,  only  a  fox-hunting  acquaintance  of  the 
Major's — only  a  fox-hunting  acquaintance  of  the  Major's."  And 
then  the  !Major  came  to  renew  his  afiectionate  embraces,  with 
inquiries  about  the  night,  and  the  looks  of  the  moon — was  it  hazy, 
or  was  it  clear,  or  how  was  it  ? 

"Mr.  and  ^liis.  Rocket  Larkspur  !"  exclaimed  the  Bnmbler, 
following  up  the  key-note  in  which  he  had  pitched  his  first 
announcement  and  forthwith  the  hugging  and  grinning  was 
resumed  with  the  new  comers,  ]\Irs.  Larkspur  presently  leading 
Mrs.  Yammerton  oft'  sofawards,  in  order  to  poke  her  inquiries 
unheard  by  the  Major,  who  was  now  opening  a  turnip  dialogue 
with  Mr.  Rocket — yellow  bullocks,  purple  tops,  and  so  on.   "Well, 

tell  me — ivhich  is  it  i  "  ejaculated  Mis.  Rocket  Larkspur,  loolving 
earnestly,  in  Mrs.  Yammerton's  expressive  eyes — "  tvhich  is  it,'^ 
repeated  she,  in  a  (ler.erniined  sort  of  take-no-denial  tone. 

"Oh  dear  I    iiuLhin'  of  the  sort — uothiu'  of  the  sort,  I   assure 


ISb  ASK    MAMMA. 

you ! "  whispered  Mrs.  Yamraerton  anxiously,  well  knowing  the 
danger  of  holloaing  before  you  are  out  of  the  wood. 

"Oh,  tell  me — tell  me"  whispered  Mrs.  Rocket,  coaxingly ;  "I'm 

not  like  Mrs. um  there,  looking  at  Mrs.  Dotherington,  "  who 

would  blab  it  all  over  the  country." 

'*  Really  I  have  nothing  to  tell,"  replied  Mrs.  Yammerton 
serenely. 

"  Why,  do  you  mean  to  say  he's  not  after  one  of  the urn's  ? " 

demanded  Mrs.  Rocket  eagerly. 

"  I  don't  know  what  you  mean,"  laughed  Mrs.  Yammerton. 

Bow-ivow-ivow-ivoiv-ivoiv-ivoiv  went  the  terrier  again,  giving 
Mrs.  Yammerton  an  excuse  for  sidhng  off  to  Mrs.  "  um,"  who  with 
her  daughter  were  lost  in  admiration  at  a  floss  silk  cockatoo, 
perched  on  an  orange  tree,  the  production  of  Miss  Flora.  "  Oh, 
it  was  so  beautiful  !  Oh,  what  a  love  of  a  screen  it  would  make  ; 
what  would  she  give  if  her  Margaret  could  do  such  work,"  in- 
wardly thinking  how  much  better  Margaret  was  employed  making 
her  own — we  will  not  say  what. 

Boiv-ivoio-ivoiv-tvoiv-wow-ivoiv  went  Fury  again,  the  proceeds  of 
this  bark  being  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Tightlace,  who  now  entered,  the 
former  "  'oping  they  weren't  late,"  as  he  smirked,  and  smiled,  and 
looked  round  for  the  youth  on  whom  he  had  to  vent  his  "  British 
Sportsman  "  knowledge — the  latter  speedily  drawing  Mrs.  Yam- 
merton aside — to  the  ladies  know  what.  But  it  w^as  "  no  go  " 
again.  Mrs.  Yammerton  really  didn't  know  what  Mrs.  Tightlace 
meant.  No ;  she  really  didn't.  Nor  did  Mrs.  Tightlace's 
assurance  that  it  was  "  the  talk  of  the  country,"  afford  any  clue 
to  her  meaning — but  Mrs.  Tightlace's  large  miniature  brooch 
being  luckily  loose,  Mrs.  Yammerton  essayed  to  fasteu  it,  which 
afforded  her  an  opportunity  of  bursting  into  transports  of  delight 
at  its  beauty,  mingled  with  exclamations  as  to  its  '"'■  ivonderful 
likeness  to  Mr.  T.,"  though  in  reality  she  was  looking  at  Mrs. 
Tightlace's  berthe,  to  see  whether  it  was  machinery  lace,  or  real. 

Then  the  grand  rush  took  place  ;  and  Fury's  throat  seemed 
wholly  inadequate  to  the  occasion,  as  first  Blurkins's  Brougham, 
then  Jarperson's  Gig,  next  the  corn-cutter's  caVeche,  and  lastly, 
Hetherington's  Dog-cart  whisked  up  to  the  door,  causing  a 
meeting  of  the  highly  decorated  watered  silks  of  the  house,  and 
the  hooded  enveloped  visitors  hurrying  through  the  passage  to  the 
cloak-room. 

By  the  time  tne  yc  ung  raaies  had  made  their  obeisances  and  got 
congratulated  on  thsir  looks,  the  now  metamorphosed  visitors 
came  trooping  in,  flourishing  their  laced  kerchiefs,  and  flattening 
their  chapeau.t  mechaniques  as  they  entered.  Then  the  full  choru3 
of  conversation  was   establislied  i    moon,  hounds,  turnins,  horses. 


ASK    MAMMA. 


139 


Parliament,  with  the  nsual — "  Oi  sci'  hy  tlie  papers  tliat  Her 
]\[ajosty  is  [^-one  t<i  Oshorne,"'  or,  "  ()i  see  by  the  papers  that  the 
Comet  is  coming- ;  "  while  ]\Irs.  Rocket  Larkspur  draws  Miss 
Yaramerton  aside  to  try  what  she  can  tish  out  of  her.      But  here 


ANi>  Mi.-s  iKiriii  );ini;tiin 


c-nmcs  Fine  Billy,  and  if  ever  Ixin  realised  an  author's  description 
(if  liiin.  assuredly  it  is  oiu'  friend,  for  he  sidles  as  unconcernedly 
i:ito  the  room  as  he  would  into  a  Tlub  or  Casino,  wiih  all  the 
dreiimy  lisflessiiess  of  a  Lhoi'ouu'h  exijuisiie',  ajiparently  uncoTi'-'eidn!^ 
of  any  chaimc  hiiviu'.r  taken  place  in  the  pan  . .      fjiif  if  l>illy  is 


140  ASK    MAMMA. 

unconscious  of  the  presence  of  strangers,  his  host  is  not,  and 
forthwith  he  inducts  him  into  their  acquaintance — Hetherington's, 
Hyaena's,  and  all. 

It  is,  doubtless,  very  flattering  of  great  people  to  vote  all  the 
little  ones  "  one  of  us,"  and  not  introduce  them  to  anybody,  but 
we  take  leave  to  say,  that  society  is  considerably  improved  by  a 
judicious  presentation.  We  talk  of  our  advanced  civilisation,  but 
manners  are  not  nearly  so  good,  or  so  "  at-ease-setting,"  as  they 
were  with  the  last  generation  of  apparently  stififer,  but  in  reality 
easier,  more  affable  gentlemen  of  the  old  school.  But  what  a  note 
of  admiration  our  Billy  is  !  How  gloriously  he  is  attired.  His 
naturally  curling  hair,  how  gracefully  it  flows  ;  his  elliptic  collar, 
how  faultlessly  it  stands  ;  his  cravat,  how  correct ;  his  shirt,  how 
wonderfully  fine ;  and,  oh  !  how  happy  he  must  be  with  such 
splendid  sparkling  diamond  studs — such  beautiful  amethyst  buttons 
at  his  wrists — and  such  a  love  of  a  chain  disporting  itself  over 
his  richly  embroidered  blood-stone-buttoned  vest.  Altogether, 
such  a  first-class  swell  is  rarely  seen  beyond  the  bills  of  mortality. 
He  looks  as  if  he  ought  to  be  kept  under  a  glass  shade.  But  here 
comes  the  Bumbler,  and  now  for  the  agony  of  the  entertainment. 

The  Major,  who  for  the  last  few  minutes  has  been  fidgetting 
about  pairing  parties  off  according  to  a  written  programme  he  has 
in  his  waistcoat  pocket,  has  just  time  to  assign  Billy  to  Mrs. 
Rocket  Larkspur,  to  assuage  her  anguish  at  not  being  taken  in 
before  Mrs.  Crickleton,  when  the  Bumbler's  half-fledged  voice  is 
heard  proclaiming  at  its  utmost  altitude — "  dinner  is  sarvei)  1 " 
Then  there  is  such  a  bobbing  and  bowing,  and  backing  of  chairs, 
and  such  inward  congratulations,  that  the  "  'orrid  'alf 'our  "  is  ovei-, 
and  hopes  from  some  that  they  may  not  get  next  the  fire — while 
others  wish  to  be  there.  Though  the  Major  could  not,  perhaps, 
manage  to  get  twenty  thousand  men  out  of  Hyde  Park,  he  can, 
nevertheless,  manoeuvre  a  party  out  of  his  drawing-room  into  his 
dining-room,  and  forthwith  he  led  the  way,  with  Mrs,  Crickleton 
under  his  arm,  trusting  to  the  reel  winding  off  right  at  the  end. 
And  right  it  would  most  likely  have  wound  off  had  not  the 
leg-protruding  Bumbler's  tongue-buckle  caught  the  balloon-like 
amplitude  of  Mrs.  Rocket  Larkspur's  dress  and  caused  a  slight 
stoppage — in  the  passage, — during  which  time  two  couples  slipped 
past  and  so  deranged  the  entire  order  of  the  table.  However, 
there  was  no  great  harm  done,  as  far  as  Mrs.  Larkspur's  con- 
sequence was  concerned,  for  she  got  next  Mr.  Tightlace,  with  Mr. 
Pringle  between  her  and  Miss  Yammerton,  whom  ]\Irs.  Larkspur 

had  just  got  to  admit,  that  she  wouldn't  mind  being  Mrs.  P , 

and  Miss  having  been  thus  confidential,  Mrs.  was  inclined,  partly 
out  of  gratitude, — partly,  perhaps,  because  she  couldn't  help  it — • 


ASK    MAMMA.  141 

to  befriend  her.  She  was  a  great  moiiser,  and  would  promote  the 
most  forlorn  hope,  sooner  than  not  be  doing. 

We  are  now  in  the  dining-room,  and  very  smart  everything  is. 
In  the  centre  of  the  table,  of  course,  stands  the  Yammerton 
testimonial, — a  "  Savory  "  chased  silver  plated  candelabrum,  with 
six  branches,  all  lighted  up,  and  an  ornamental  centre  flower- 
basket,  decorated  with  evergreens  and  winter  roses,  presented  to 
our  friend  on  his  completing  his  "five  and  twentieth  year  as 
master  of  harriers,"  and  in  gratitude  for  the  unparalleled  sport  he 
had  uniformly  shown  the  subscribers. 

Testimonialisiug  has  become  quite  a  mania  since  the  ]\Iajor  got 
his,  and  no  one  can  say  whose  turn  it  may  be  next.  It  is  not 
everybody  who,  like  Mr.  Daniel  Whittle  Harvey  with  the  police 
force  one,  can  nip  them  in  the  bud ;  but  Inspector  Field,  we 
think,  might  usefully  combine  testimonial-detecting  with  his  other 
secret  services.  He  would  have  plenty  to  do — especially  in  the 
provinces.  Indeed  London  does  not  seem  to  be  exempt  from  the 
mania,  if  we  may  judge  by  Davis  the  Queen's  huntsman's  recent 
attempt  to  avert  the  intended  honour  ;  neatly  informing  the 
projectors  that  "  their  continuing  to  meet  him  in  the  hunting 
field  would  be  the  best  proof  of  their  approbation  of  his  conduct." 
However,  the  Major  got  his  testimonial  ;  and  there  it  stands, 
flanked  by  two  pretty  imitation  Dresden  vases  decorated  with 
flowers  and  evergreens  also.  And  now  the  company  being  at 
length  seated  and  grace  said,  the  reeking  covers  are  removed  from 
the  hare  and  mock  turtle  tureens,  and  the  confusion  of  tongues 
gradually  subsides  into  sip-sip-sipping  of  soup.  And  now 
Jarperson,  having  told  his  newly  caught  footman  groom  to  get 
him  hare  soup  instead  of  mock  turtle,  the  lad  takes  the  plate  of 
the  latter  up  to  the  tureen  of  the  former,  and  his  master  gets  a 
mixture  of  both — which  he  thinks  very  good. 

And  now  the  nutty  sherry  comes  round,  whicli  the  Major 
introduces  with  a  stuttering  exordium  that  would  induce  anyone 
who  didn't  know  him  to  suppose  it  cost  at  least  80s.  a-dozen, 
instead  of  ^Cs.  (bottles  included)  ;  and  this  being  sipped  and 
smacked  and  pronounced  excellent,  "  two  fishes  "  replace  the  two 
soups,  and  the  banquet  proceeds,  ]\Ir.  Tightlace  trying  to  poke 
his  sporting  knowledge  at  Billy  between  heats,  but  without 
success,  the  commoner  not  rising  at  the  bait,  indeed  rather 
shirking  it. 

A  long-necked  green  bottle  of  what  the  Bumbler  called 
** bluecellas,"  then  goes  its  rounds;  and  the  first  qualms  of 
hunger  being  appeased,  the  gentlemen  are  more  inclined  to  talk 
and  listen  to  the  Inncheon-dining  ladies.  ^Irs,  Kocket  Larkspur 
has  been  waiting  most  anxiously  for  Billy's  last  mouthful,  in  order 


142  ASK    MAMMA. 

to  interrogate  him,  as  well  as  to  London  fashion,  as  to  liis  opinions 
of  the  Miss  "urns."  Of  course  with  Miss  "urn"  sitting  just 
below  Billy,  the  latter  must  be  done  through  the  medium  of  the 
former, — so  she  leads  off  upon  London. 

"  She  supposed  he'd  been  very  gay  in  London  ?  " 

"  Yarse,"  drawled  Billy  in  the  true  dandified  style,  drawing  his 
napkin  across  his  lips  as  he  spoke. 

Mrs.  Rocket  wasn't  so  young  as  she  had  been,  and  Billy  was  too 
young  to  take  up  with  what  he  profanely  called  "  old  ladies." 

"  He'd  live  at  the  west-end,  she  s'posed  ?  " 

"Yarse,"  replied  Billy,  feeling  his  amplified  tie. 

*'  Did  he  know  Billiter  Square  ?  " 

"  Yarse,"  replied  he,  running  his  ringed  fingers  down  his  studs. 

"  Was  it  fashionable  ?  "  asked  Mrs.  Rocket.  (She  had  a  cousin 
lived  there  who  had  asked  her  to  go  and  see  her.) 

"Y-a-a-rse,  I  should  say  it  is,"  drawled  Billy,  now  playing  with 
a  bunch  of  trinkets,  a  gold  miniature  pistol,  a  pearl  and  diamond 
studded  locket,  a  gold  pencil-case,  and  a  white  cornelian  heart, 
suspended  to  his  watch-chain.  "  Y-a-a-rse,  I  should  say  it  is," 
repeated  he  ;  adding  "not  so  fashionable  as  Belgrave." 

"Sceuse  me,  sare,"  interrupted  Monsieur  Jean  Rougier  from 
behind  his  master's  chair,  "  Sceuse  me,  it  is  not  fashionable,  sare, 
— it  is  not  near  de  Palace  or  de  Park  of  Hyde,  sare,  bot  down 
away  among  those  dem  base  mechanics  in  de  east — beyond  de 
Mansion  'Ouse,  in  fact." 

"  Oh,  ah,  y-a-a-rse,  true,"  replied  Billy,  not  knowing  where  it 
was,  but  presuming  from  Mrs.  Larkspur's  inquiry  that  it  was 
some  newly  spriing-up  square  on  one  of  the  western  horns  of  the 
metropolis. 

Taking  advantage  of  the  interruption,  Mr.  Tightlace  again 
essayed  to  edge  in  his  "  British  Sportsman  "  knowledge  beginning 
with  an  inquiry  if  "  the  Earl  of  Ladythorne  had  a  good  set  of 
dogs  this  season  ? "  but  the  Bumbler  soon  cut  short  the  thread  of 
his  discourse  by  presenting  a  bottle  of  brisk  gooseberry  at  his  ear. 
The  fizzing  stuff  then  went  quickly  round,  taxing  the  ingenuity  of 
the  drinkers  to  manoeuvre  the  frothy  fluid  out  of  their  needlecasc- 
shaped  glasses.  Then  as  conversation  was  beginning  to  be 
restored,  the  door  suddenly  flew  open  to  a  general  rush  of  re- 
turning servants.  There  was  Soloman  carrying  a  sirloin  of  beef, 
followed  by  Mr.  Crickleton's  gaudy  rcd-and-yellow  young  man 
with  a  boiled  turkey,  who  ia  turn  was  succeeded  by  Mr.  Rocket 
Larkspur's  hobbledehoy  with  a  ham,  and  Mr.  Tightlace's  with  a 
Btew.  Pates  and  cotelcttes,  and  minces,  and  messes  follow  in 
quick  succession  ;  and  these  having  taken  their  seats,  immediately 
vacate  them  for  the  Chiltern-hundreds  of  the  liand.     A  shoal  of 


ASK    MAMMA.  143 

vegetables  and  sundries  alight  on  the  side  table,  and  the  feast 
seems  fairly  under  weigh. 

But  see  !  somehow  it  prospers  not ! 

People  stop  sliort  at  tlie  second  or  third  mouthful,  and  lay  down 
their  knives  and  forks  as  if  they  had  had  quite  enough.  Patties, 
and  cutlets,  and  sausages,  and  side-dishes,  all  share  the  same  fate  ! 

"Take  round  the  champagne,"  says  the  Major,  with  an  air, 
thinking  to  retrieve  the  character  of  his  kitchen  with  the  solids. 
The  juicy  roast  beef,  and  delicate  white  turkey  with  inviting 
green  stuUing,  and  rich  red  ham,  and  turnip-and-carrot-adorned 
stewed  beef  then  made  their  progresses,  but  the  same  fate  attends 
them  also.  People  stop  at  the  second  or  third  mouthful  ; — some 
send  their  plates  away  slily,  and  ask  for  a  little  of  a  different 
dish  to  wliat  they  have  been  eating,  or  rather  tasting.  That, 
however,  sliaros  the  same  fate. 

"  Take  rouud  the  champagne,"  again  says  the  Major,  trying 
what  another  cheerer  would  do.  Then  he  invites  the  turkey- 
eaters — or  leavers,  rather — to  cat  beef ;  and  the  beef  eaters — or 
leavers — to  eat  turkey  :  but  tliey  all  decline  with  a  thoroughly 
satisfied  '  no-more-for-me '  sort  of  shake  of  tlie  head. 

"  Take  away  1"  at  length  says  the  Major,  with  an  air  of  disgust, 
following  the  order  witli  an  invitation  to  Mrs.  Rocket  Larkspur  to 
take  wine.  The  guests  follow  the  host's  example,  and  a  momentary 
rally  of  liveliness  ensues.  Mrs.  Rocket  Larkspur  and  ^Mr.  Tight- 
lace  contend  for  Fine  Billy's  ear  ;  but  Miss  Yammerton  interposing 
with  a  sly  whisper  supersedes  them  both.  ]\Irs.  Rocket  construes 
that  accordingly.  A  general  chirp  of  conversation  is  presently 
established,  interspersed  with  heavy  demands  upon  the  bread- 
basket by  the  gentlemen.  Presently  the  door  is  thrown  open,  and 
a  grand  procession  of  sweets  enters — jellies,  blancmanges,  open 
tarts,  shut  tarts,  meringues,  plum  pudding,  maccaroni,  black 
puddings, — we  know  not  what  besides  :  and  the  I'unds  of  con- 
viviality again  look  up.  The  rally  is,  however,  but  of  momentary 
duration.  The  same  evil  genius  that  awaited  on  the  second 
course  seems  to  attend  on  the  third.  People  stop  at  the  second  or 
third  mouthful  and  send  away  the  undiminished  plates  slily,  as 
before.  Home  venture  on  other  dishes — but  the  result  is  the 
same — the  plate  vanishes  with  its  contents.  There  is,  however,  a 
great  run  upon  the  cheese — Cheshire  and  Gloucester  ;  and  the 
dessert  sufl'ers  severely.  All  the  make-weight  dishes,  even, 
disappear ;  and  when  the  gentlemen  rejoin  the  ladies  in  the 
drawing-room  they  attack  the  tea  as  if  they  had  not  had  any 
dinner. 

At  length  a  "  most  agiTcable  evening"  is  got  through  ;  and  ns 
each  group  whisks  away,  there  is  a  general  exclamation  of  "  AVhat 


144  ASK    MAMMA. 

a  most  extraordinary  taste  everything  had  of "  What  do  yot 

think,  gentle  reader  ? 

"  Can't  guess  !  oan't  you  ?  " 

"  What  do  you  think,  Mrs.  Brown  ?  *' 

"  What  do  you  think,  Mrs.  Jones  ? " 

"What  do  you,  Mrs.  Eobinson  ?  " 

"  What !  none  of  you  able  to  guess  !  And  yet  everybody  at 
table  hit  off  directly  !  " 

"  All  give  it  up  ?  '*  Brown,  Jones,  and  Robinson  ? 

"  Yes — ^yes — yes." 

"  Well  then,  we'll  tell  you  "  :— 

"  Everything  tasted  of  Castor  oil !  "  ' 

"  Castor  oil !  "  exclaims  Mrs.  Brown. 

"  Castor  oil !  "  shrieks  Mrs.  Jones, 

"  Castor  oil !  "  shudders  Mrs.  Robinson. 

"  0-0-0-0  !  how  nasty  !  " 

"  But  how  came  it  there  ?  "  asks  Mrs.  Brown. 

"  We'll  tell  you  that,  too  ":— 

The  Major's  famous  cow  Strawberry-cream's  calf  was  ill,  and 
they  had  tapped  a  pint  of  fine  "  cold-drawn "  for  it,  whibh 
Monsieur  Jean  Rougier  happening  to  upset,  just  mopped  it  up 
with  his  napkin,  and  chucking  it  away,  it  was  speedily  adopted  by 
the  hind's  little  girl  in  charge  of  the  plates  and  dishes,  who 
imparted  a  most  liberal  castor  oil  flavour  to  everything  she 
touched. 

And  that  entertainment  is  now  known  by  the  name  of  the 
«'  Castor  Oil  Dinner." 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

A  HUNTING  MORNING. — UNKENNELING. 

What  a  commotion  there  was  in  the  house  the  next  morning  ! 
As  great  a  disturbance  as  if  the  Major  had  been  going  to  hunt 
an  African  Lion,  a  royal  Bengal  Tiger,  or  a  Bison  itself.  Ri7ig' 
ring -ring -ring  went  one  bell,  tinkle-tinMe-tinJcle  went  another, 
ring -ring -ring  went  the  first  again,  followed  by  exclamations  of 
"There's  master's  bell  again  !  "  with  such  a  running  down  stairs, 
and  such  a  getting  up  again.  Master  wanted  this,  master  wanted 
that,  master  had  carried  away  the  buttons  at  his  knees,  master 
wanted  his  other  pair  of  White  what-do-they-call-ems — not  cords, 
but  moleskins — that  treacherous  material  being  much  in  vogue 


ASK    MAMMA.  145 

among  masters  of  hamers.  Then  master's  boots  wouldn't  do,  he 
wanted  hig  last  pair,  not  the  newly-footed  ones,  and  they  were  on 
the  trees,  and  the  Bumbler  was  busy  in  the  stable,  and  Betty  Bone 
could  not  skin  the  trees,  and  altogether  there  was  a  terrible 
hubbub  in  the  house.  His  overnight  exertione,  though  coupled 
with  the  castor  oil  catastrophe,  seemed  to  have  abated  none  of  his 
ardour  in  pursuit  of  the  hare. 

Meanwhile  our  little  dandy,  Billy,  lay  tumbling  and  tossing  in 
bed,  listening  to  the  dread  preparations,  wishing  he  could  devise 
an  excuse  for  declining  to  join  him.  The  recollection  of  his 
bumps,  and  his  jumps,  and  his  falls,  arose  vividly  before  him, 
and  he  would  fain  have  said  "  no  "  to  any  more.  He  felt  certain 
that  the  Major  was  going  to  give  him  a  startler,  more  dreadful 
perhaps  than  those  he  had  had  with  his  lordship.  Would  that  he 
was  well  out  of  it !  What  pleasure  could  there  be  in  galloping 
after  an  animal  they  could  shoot  ?  In  the  midst  of  these  reflec- 
tions Mons.  Rougier  entered  the  apartment  and  threw  further 
light  on  the  matter  by  opening  the  shutters. 

"  You  sail  get  up,  sare,  and  pursue  the  vild  beast  of  de  voods — 
de  Major  is  a-goin'  to  hont." 

*'  Y-a-r-se,"  replied  Billy,  turning  over. 

"  I  sail  get  out  your  habit  verd,  your  green  coat,  dat  is  to  say." 

"  No  !  no  !  "  roared  Billy  ;  "  the  red  !  the  red  I " 

"  Be  red ! "   exclaimed   Monsieur   in  astonishment,   "  de  red 
Not  for  de  soup  dogs  !  you  only  hont  bold  reynard  in  de  red." 

"  Oh,  yes,  yon  do,"  retorted  Billy,  "  didn't  the  Major  come  to 
the  cars  tie  in  red  ?" 

"  Because  he  came  to  hont  de  fox,"  replied  Monsieur  ;  "  if  he 
had  com'  for  to  hont  poor  puss  he  would  'ave  'ad  on  his  green  or 
his  grey,  or  his  some  other  colour." 

Billy  now  saw  the  difference,  and  his  mortification  increased. 

"AVell,  I'll  breakfast  in  red  at  all  events,"  said  he,  determined 
to  have  that  pleasure. 

"  Veil,  sare,  you  can  pleasure  yourself  in  dat  matter  ;  but  it  sail 
be  mocii  ridicule  if  you  pursue  de  puss  in  it." 

"But  why  not?"  asked  Billy,  "hunting's  hunting,  all  the 
world  over." 

"  I  cannot  tell  you  vy,  sir  ;  but  it  is  not  etiquette,  and  I  as  a 
professor  of  garniture,  toggery  vot  you  call,  snd  lose  caste  with  my 
comradi's  if  I  lived  with  a  me  lor  vot  hontcd  poor  puss  in  de 
pink." 

"'Humph!  "  grunted  Billy,  bouncing  out  of  bed,  thinking  what 
A  bore  it  was  paying  a  man  lor  being  his  master.  He  then  com- 
menced the  operations  of  th'^-  occasion,  and  with  the  aid  of 
Monsieur  was  presently  attired  m  the  dread  cosLume.     He  then 


146  ASK    MAMMA. 

clonk,  clonk,  clonked  down  stairs  with  his  Jersey-patterned  spurs, 
toes  well  out  to  clear  the  steps,  most  heartily  wishing  he  was 
clonking  up  again  on  his  return  from  the  hunt. 

Monsieur  was  right.  The  Major  is  in  his  myrtle-green  coat — a 
coat,  not  built  after  the  fashion  of  the  scanty  swallow-tailed  red 
in  which  he  appears  at  page  65  of  this  agreeable  work,  but  with 
the  more  liberal  allowance  of  cloth  peculiar  to  the  period  in  which 
we  live.  A  loosely  hanging  garment,  and  not  a  strait-waistcoat, 
in  fact,  a  fashion  very  much  in  favour  of  bunglers,  seeing  that 
anybody  can  make  a  sack,  while  it  takes  a  tailor  to  make  a  coat. 
The  Major's  cost  him  about  two  pounds  five,  the  cloth  having 
been  purchased  at  a  clothier's  and  made  up  at  home,  by  a  three 
shilling  a  day  man  and  his  meat.  We  laugh  at  the  ladies  for 
liking  to  be  cheated  by  their  milliners  ;  but  young  gentlemen  are 
quite  as  accommodating  to  their  tailors.  Let  any  man  of  forty 
look  at  his  tailor's  bill  when  he  was  twenty,  and  see  what  a 
liberality  of  innocence  it  displays.  And  that  not  only  in  matters 
of  taste  and  fashion,  which  are  the  legitimate  loopholes  of  ex- 
tortion, but  in  the  sober  articles  of  ordinary  requirement.  "We 
saw  a  once-celebrated  west-end  tailor's  bill  the  other  day,  in  which 
a  plain  black  coat  was  made  to  figure  in  the  following  magnilo- 
quent item  : — 

"  A  superfine  black  cloth  coat,  lappels  sewed  on  "  (we  wonder  if 
they  are  usually  pinned  or  glued)  "  lappels  sewed  on,  cloth  collar, 
cotton  sleeve  linings,  velvet  handfacings,"  (most  likely  cotton 
too,)  "  embossed  edges  and  fine  wove  buttons  " — how  much  does 
the  reader  think  ?  four  guineas  ?  four  pound  ten  ?  five  guineas  ? 
No,  five  pound  eighteen  and  sixpence  !  An  article  that  our  own 
excellent  tailor  supplies  for  three  pounds  fifteen  !  In  a  tailor's 
case  that  was  recently  tried,  a  party  swore  that  fourteen  guineas 
was  a  fair  price  for  a  Taglioni,  when  every  body  knows  that  they 
are  to  be  had  for  less  than  four.  But  boys  will  be  boys  to  the  end 
of  the  chapter,  so  let  us  return  to  our  sporting  Major.  He  is  not 
so  happy  in  his  nether  garments  as  he  is  in  his  upper  ones  ; 
indeed  he  has  on  the  same  boots  and  moleskins  that  Leech  drew 
him  in  at  Tantivy  Castle,  for  these  lower  habiliments  are  not  eo 
easy  of  accomplishment  in  the  country  as  coats,  and  though  most 
people  have  tried  them  there,  few  wear  them  out,  they  are  always 
so  ugly  and  unbecoming.  As,  however,  our  Major  doesn't  often 
compare  his  with  town-made  ones,  he  struts  about  in  the  comfort- 
able belief  that  they  are  all  right — very  smart. 

He  is  now  in  a  terrible  stew,  and  has  been  backwards  and 
forwards  between  the  house  and  the  stal)le,  and  in  and  out  of  the 
kennel,  and  has  called  Solomon  repeatedly  from  his  work  to  give 
him  further  insLrueiiuus  and  further  insuiicLiuus  still,  until  the 


ASK    MAMMA. 


147 


Major  has  about  confused  liimself  aud  every  body  about  him.  As 
soon  as  ever  he  heard  by  his  tramp  overhead  that  Billy  had 
got   into   his   boots,  he  went  to   the   bottom  of   the  stairs  and 


IIII.I.V    rRIN(.I,i:    CdMIKf;    IHlWN. 


lolloned  alon^  (lie  ii;i>s;iui'  towards  the  kitchen,  ••  lii'ltv  !  Betty  I 
Betty  1  send  in  l)iTakl'a>l  as  Sdou  as  e\er  ^Ir.  I'l'ingle  cdiiics  <1(i\vii  I" 
"Ah.  dcrr  is  de  Ahijnr."  obsei'ved  ^r(»!isieui\  pausinsj,-  from 
Billy';;  hair-arranuini;-  to  listen — "him  kick  up  de  deval'i;  own 
dust  on  a  huntin'  niuruin". "' 


148  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  What's  happened  him  ?  "  asked  Billy. 

"  Don't  know — but  von  vould  think  he  was  going  to  storm  a 
city — take  Sebastopol  himself,"  replied  Monsieur,  shrugging  his 
broad  shoulders.  He  then  resumed  his  valeting  operations,  and 
crowned  the  whole  by  putting  Billy  into  his  green  cut-away, 
without  giving  him  even  a  peep  of  the  pink. 

Meanwhile,  Mrs.  Yammerton  has  been  holding  a  court  of 
inquiry  in  the  kitchen  and  larder,  as  to  the  extent  of  the  over- 
night mischief,  smelling  at  this  dish  and  that,  criticising  the 
spoons,  and  subjecting  each  castor-oily  offender  to  severe  ablution 
in  boiling  water.  Of  course  no  one  could  tell  in  whose  hands  the 
bottle  of  "  cold  drawn  "  had  come  "  in  two,"  and  Monsieur  was 
too  good  a  judge  to  know  anything  about  it  ;  so  as  the  mischief 
couldn't  be  repaired,  it  was  no  use  bewailing  it  farther  than  to 
make  a  knot  in  her  mind  to  be  more  careful  of  such  dangerous 
commodities  in  future. 

Betty  Bone  had  everything — tea,  coffee,  bread,  cakes,  eggs,  ham 
(fried  so  as  to  hide  the  spurious  flavour),  honey,  jam,  &c.,  ready 
for  Miss  Benson,  who  had  been  impressed  into  the  carrying 
service,  vice  the  Bumbler  turned  whip,  to  take  in  as  soon  as  Mr. 
Pringle  descended,  a  fact  that  was  announced  to  the  household  by 
the  Major's  uproarious  greeting  of  him  in  the  passage.  He  was 
overjoyed  to  see  him  !  He  hoped  he  was  none  the  worse  for  his 
over-night  festivities  ;  and  without  waiting  for  an  answer  to  that, 
he  was  delighted  to  say  that  it  was  a  fine  hunting  morning,  and 
as  far  as  human  judgment  could  form  an  opinion,  a  good  scenting 
one  ;  but  after  five-and-thirty  years'  experience  as  a  master  of 
"  haryers,"  he  could  conscientiously  say  that  there  was  nothing  so 
doubtful  or  ticklish  as  scent,  and  he  made  no  doubt  Mr.  Pringle's 
experience  would  confirm  his  own,  that  many  days  when  they 
might  expect  it  to  be  first-rate,  it  was  bad,  and  many  days  when 
they  might  expect  it  to  be  bad,  it  was  first-rate  ;  to  all  which 
accumulated  infliction  Billy  repHed  with  his  usual  imperturbable 
"Yarse,"  and  passed  on  to  the  more  agreeable  occupation  of 
greeting  the  young  ladies  in  the  dining-room.  Very  glad  they  all 
were  to  see  him  as  he  shook  hands  with  all  three. 

The  ]\l9Jor,  however,  was  not  to  be  put  off  that  way  ;  and  as  he 
could  not  get  Billy  to  talk  about  hunting,  he  drew  his  attention 
to  breakl'ast,  observing  that  they  had  a  goodish  trot  before  them, 
and  that  punctuality  was  the  politeness  of  princes.  Saying  which, 
he  sat  down,  laying  his  great  gold  watch  open  on  a  plate  beside 
him,  so  that  its  noisy  ticking  might  remind  Billy  of  what  they 
had  to  do.  The  Major  couldn't  make  it  out  how  it  was  that  the 
Bouls  of  the  young  men  of  the  present  day  are  so  difficult  to 
inflame  about  hunting.     Here   was  he,  turned   of- ,  and  an 


ASK    MAMMA.  149 

eager  in  the  pursuit  as  ever.  "  Must  be  that  they  smoke  all  their 
energies  out,"  thought  he  ;  and  then  applied  himself  vigorously  to 
his  tea  and  toast,  looking  up  every  now  and  then  with  irate  looks 
at  his  wife  and  daughters,  whose  volubility  greatly  retarded  Billy's 
breakfast  proceedings.  He,  nevertheless,  made  sundry  efforts  to 
edge  in  a  hunting  conversation  himself,  observing  tliat  Mr. 
Pringle  mustn't  expect  such  an  establishment  as  the  Peer's,  or 
perhaps  many  that  he  was  accustomed  to — that  they  would  have 
rather  a  shortish  pack  out,  which  would  enable  them  to  take  the 
field  again  at  an  early  day,  and  so  on  ;  all  of  which  Billy  received 
with  the  most  provoking  indifference,  making  the  Major  wish  he 
mightn't  be  a  regular  crasher,  who  cared  for  nothing  but  riding. 
At  length,  tea,  toast,  eggs,  ham,  jam,  all  had  been  successively 
taxed,  the  Major  closed  and  pocketed  his  noisy  watch,  and  the 
doomed  youth  rose  to  perform  the  dread  penance  with  the  pack. 
"Good  byes,"  " good  mornings,"  "hope  you'll  have  good  sport," 
followed  his  bowing  spur-clanking  exit  from  the  room. 

A  loud  crack  of  the  Major's  hammer-headed  whip  now  an- 
nounced their  arrival  in  the  stable-yard,  which  was  at  once  a 
signal  for  the  hounds  to  raise  a  merry  cry,  and  for  the  stable-men 
to  loosen  their  horses'  heads  from  the  pillar-reins.  It  also  brought 
a  bevy  of  caps  and  curl-papers  to  the  back  windows  of  the  house 
to  see  the  young  Earl,  for  so  Rougier  had  assured  them  his  master 
was — (heir  to  the  Earldom  of  Ladythorne) — mount.  At  a  second 
crack  of  the  whip  the  stable-door  flew  open,  and  as  a  shirt-sleeved 
lad  receded,  the  grey-headed,  green-coated  sage  Solomon  advanced, 
leading  forth  the  sleek,  well-tended,  well-coddled,  Napoleon  the 
Great. 

Amid  the  various  offices  filled  by  this  Mathews-at-home  of  a 
servant,  there  was  none  perhaps  in  which  he  looked  better  or  more 
natural  than  in  that  of  a  huntsman.  Short,  spare,  neat,  with  a 
bright  black  eye,  contrasting  with  the  sobered  hue  of  his  thin 
grey  hair,  no  one  would  suppose  that  the  calfless  little  yellow  aud 
brown-liveried  coachman  of  the  previous  night  was  the  trim, 
neatly-booted,  neatly-tied  huntsman  now  raising  his  cap  to  the 
Richest  Commoner  in  England,  and  his  great  master  ]\lajor 
Yammerton — Major  of  the  Featherbedfordshire  ^Rlilitia,  master  of 
"  haryers,"  and  expectant  magistrate. 

"Well,  Solomon,"  said  the  Major,  acknowledging  his  salute,  as 
though  it  was  their  first  meeting  of  the  morning,  '•  well,  Solumon, 
what  do  you  think  of  the  day  ?  " 

"  Well,  sir,  I  think  the  day's  well  enough,"  replied  Solomon, 
who  was  no  waster  of  words. 

"  I  think  so  too,"  said  the  Major,  drawing  on  his  clean  doeskin 
gloves.    The  pent-up  hounds  then  raised  another  cry. 


150  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  Tliat's  pretty  !  "  exclaimed  the  Major  listening 

"That's  beautiful ! "  added  he,  like  an  enthusiastic  admirer  of 

music  at  the  opera. 

Imperturbable  Billy  spoke  not. 

"  Pr'aps  you'd  like  to  see  them  unkenneled  ?  "  said  the  Major, 
thinking  to  begin  with  the  first  act  of  the  drama. 

"  Yarse,"  replied  Billy,  feeling  safe  as  long  as  he  was  on 
.6ot. 

The  Major  then  led  the  way  through  a  hen-house-looking  door 
'nto  a  little  green  court-yard,  separated  by  peeled  larch  palings 
from  a  flagged  one  beyond,  in  which  the  expectant  pack  were  now 
jumping  and  frisking  and  capering  in  every  species  of  wild 
delight. 

"  Ah,  you  beauties  !  "  exclaimed  the  Major,  again  cracking  his 
whip.  He  then  paused,  thinking  there  would  surely  be  a  Httle 
praise.  But  no  ;  Billy  just  looked  at  them  as  he  would  at  a  pen 
full  of  stock  at  a  cattle  show. 

"  Be-be-beauties,  ar'n't  they  ?  "  stuttered  the  Major. 

"Yarse,"  replied  Billy  ;  thinking  they  were  prettier  than  the 
great  lounging,  slouching  foxhounds. 

•'  Ca-ca-capital  hounds,"  observed  the  Major. 

No  response  from  Billy. 

"  Undeniable  b-b-blood,"  continued  our  friend. 

No  response  again. 

"  F-f-foxhounds  in  mi-mi-miniature,"  observed  the  Major. 

"Yarse,"  replied  Billy,  who  understood  that. 

"  Lovely  !  Lovely  !  Lovely  !  there's  a  beautiful  bitch,"  continued 
the  ]\Iajor,  pointing  to  a  richly  pied  one  that  began  frolicking  to 
his  call. 

"  Bracelet  !  Bracelet !  Bracelet !  "  holloaed  he  to  another  ; 
"pretty  bitch  that  —  pure  Sir  Dashwood  King's  blood,  just 
the  right  size  for  a  haryer — shouldn't  be  too  large.  I  hold 
with  So-so-somei'ville,"  continued  the  Major,  waxing  warm, 
'■itlier  with  his  subject,  or  at  Billy's  indifference,  "that  one 
should 

'  A  di-di-different  hound  for  every  chase 
Select  with  judgment ;  nor  the  timorous  hare, 
O'ermatch'd,  destroy  ;  but  leave  that  vile  offence 
To  the  mean,  murderous,  coursing  crew,  intent 
On  blood  and  spoil.' " 

"Yarse,"  replied  Billy,  turning  on  his  heel  as  though  he  had 
hiiil  enough  of  the  show. 

Ac  this  juncture,  the  Major  drew  the  bolt,  open  flew  the  door, 
und  out  poured  the  pack  ;  Ruffler  and  Bustler  dashing  at  Billy, 


ASK    MAMMA.  161 

and  streaking  his  nice  cream-coloured  leathers  doT\"n  with  their 
dirty  paws,  while  Thunder  and  Victim  nearly  carried  him  off  his 
legs  with  the  couples.  Billy  was  in  a  great  fright,  never  having 
been  in  such  a  predicament  before. 

The  Major  came  to  the  rescue,  and  with  the  aid  of  his  whip  and 
bis  voice,  and  his  "  for  shame,  Kuffler  !  for  ^hame,  Bustler  !  " 
with  cuts  at  the  coupled  ones,  succeeded  in  restoring  order. 

"  Let's  mount,"  said  he,  thinking  to  get  Billy  out  of  further 
danger  ;  so  saying  he  wheeled  about  and  led  the  way  through  the 
outer  yard  with  the  glad  pack  gamboling  and  frisking  around  him 
to  the  stables. 

The  hounds  raise  a  fresh  cry  of  joy  as  they  see  Solomon  with  his 
horse  ready  to  receive  them. 


CHAPTER    XXin. 

SHOWING  A  HORSE. — THE  MEET. 


The  Bumbler,  like  our  Mathews-at-horae  of  a  huntsman,  is 
now  metamorphosed,  and  in  lieu  of  a  little  footman,  we  have  a 
capped  and  booted  whip,  Xot  that  he  is  a  whip,  for  Solomon 
carries  the  couples  as  well  as  the  horn,  and  also  a  spare  stirrup- 
leather  slung  across  his  shoulder  ;  but  our  Major  has  an  eye  as 
well  to  show  as  to  business,  and  thinks  he  may  as  well  do  the 
magnificent,  and  have  a  horse  ready  to  change  with  Billy  as  soon 
as  Napoleon  the  Great  seems  to  have  had  enough.  To  that  end 
the  Bumbler  now  advances  with  the  Weaver  which  he  tenders  to 
Billy,  with  a  defei'ential  touch  of  his  cap. 

"  Ah,  that's  your  horse  !  "  exclaimed  the  Major,  making  for 
White  Surrey,  to  avoid  the  frolics  and  favours  of  his  followers  ; 
adding,  as  he  climbed  on,  "you'll  find  her  a  ca-ca-capital  hack  and 
a  first-rate  hunter.  Here,  elope,  hounds,  elope /^^  added  he,  turn- 
ing his  horse's  head  away  to  get  the  course  clear  for  our  friend  to 
mount  unmolested. 

Billy  then  efTects  the  ascent  of  the  black  mare,  most  devoutly 
wishing  himself  safe  oiTngain.  The  stirrups  being  adjusted  to  his 
length,  he  gives  a  home  thrust  with  his  feet  in  the  irons,  and 
gathering  the  thin  reins,  feels  his  hoi-se  gently  with  his  left  leg, 
just  as  Solomon  mounts  Napoleon  the  Great  and  advances  to 
relieve  the  Major  of  his  charge.  The  cavalcade  then  proceed  ; 
Solomon,  with  the  now  clustering  hounds,  leading  ;  the  ^lajor  and 

M  2 


162  ASK    MAMMA. 

Billy  riding  side  by  side,  and  the  Bumbler  on  Bulldog  bringing  up 
the  rear.  Caps  and  curl-papers  then  disappear  to  attend  to  the 
avocations  of  the  house,  the  wearers  all  agreeing  that  Mr.  Pringle 
is  a  very  pretty  young  gentleman,  and  quite  worthy  of  the  pick  of 
the  young  ladies. 

Crossing  Cowslip  garth  at  an  angle  they  get  upon  Greenbat 
pasture,  where  the  first  fruits  of  idleness  are  shown  by  Twister  and 
Towler  breaking  away  at  the  cows. 

"  YoWf  yow  I "  they  go  in  the  full  enjoyment  of  the  chase.  It's 
a  grand  chance  for  the  Bumbler,  who,  adjusting  his  whip-thong, 
sticks  spurs  into  Bulldog  and  sets  off  as  hard  as  ever  the  old  horse 
can  lay  legs  to  the  ground. 

"  Get  round  them,  man  !  get  round  them,"  shouts  the  Major, 
watching  Bully's  leg-tied  endeavours,  the  old  horse  being  a  better 
hand  at  walking  than  galloping. 

At  length  they  are  stopped  and  chided  and  for  shamed,  and  two 
more  fields  land  our  party  in  Hollington  lane,  which  soon  brings 
them  into  the  Lingytine  and  Ewehurst-road,  whose  liberal  width 
and  ample  siding  bespeaks  the  neighbourhood  of  a  roomier  region. 
Solomon  at  a  look  from  the  Major  now  takes  the  grass  siding  with 
his  hounds,  while  the  gallant  master  just  draws  his  young  friend 
alongside  of  them  on  the  road,  casting  an  unconcerned  eye  upon 
the  scene,  in  the  hope  that  his  guest  will  say  something  handsome 
at  last.  But  no,  Billy  doesn't.  He  is  fully  occupied  with  his 
boots  and  breeches,  whose  polish  and  virgin  purity  he  still  deplores. 
There's  a  desperate  daub  down  one  side.  The  Major  tries  to  engage 
his  attention  by  coaxing  and  talking  to  the  hounds.  "  Cleaver,  good 
dog  !  Cleaver  !  Chaunter,  good  dog  !  Chaunter  !  "  throwing 
them  bits  of  buscuit,  but  all  his  eflbrts  are  vain.  Billy  plods 
on  at  the  old  post-boy  pace,  apparently  thinking  of  nothing  but 
himself. 

Meanwhile  Solomon  arables  cockily  along  on  Napoleon,  with  a 
backward  and  forward  move  of  his  leg  to  the  horse's  action,  who 
ducks  and  shakes  his  head  and  plays  good-naturedly  with  the 
hounds,  as  if  quite  delighted  at  the  idea  of  what  they  are  going  to 
do.  He  shows  to  preat  advantage.  He  has  not  been  out  for  a 
week,  and  the  coddling  and  hnseeding  have  given  a  healthy  bloom 
to  his  bay  coat,  and  he  has  taken  a  cordial  ball  with  a  little  catechu, 
and  ten  grains  of  opium,  to  aid  his  exertions.  Solomon,  too, 
shows  him  off  well.  Though  he  hasn't  our  friend  Dicky  Boggle- 
dike's  airified  manner,  like  him  he  is  little  and  light,  sits  neatly  in 
his  saddle,  while  his  long  coat-lap  partly  conceals  the  want  of  rib- 
bing home  of  the  handsome  but  washy  horse.  His  boots  and 
breeches,  drab  cords  and  brown  tops,  are  good,  so  are  his  spur^, 
ftlso  his  saddle  and  bridle. 


^  //'^  m  W' 


mm 


ASK    MAMMA.  163 

There  is  a  diiference  of  twenty  per  cent,  between  the  looks  of  a 
horse  in  a  good,  well-made  London  saddle,  and  in  one  of  those 
great,  spongy,  pulby,  puddingy  things  we  see  in  the  country. 
Again,  what  a  contrast  there  is  between  a  horse  looking  through  a 
nice  plain-fronted,  plain-buckled,  thin-reined,  town-made  bridle, 
and  in  one  of  those  gaudy-fronted  things,  all  over  buckles,  with 
reins  thick  enough  for  traces  to  the  Lord  Mayor's  coach. 

All  this  adornment,  however,  is  wasted  upon  fine  Billy,  who 
hasn't  got  beyond  the  mane  and  tail  beauties  of  a  horse.  Action, 
strength,  stamina,  symmetry,  are  as  yet  sealed  subjects  to  him. 
The  Major  was  the  man  who  could  enlighten  him,  if  Billy  would 
only  let  him  do  it,  on  the  two  words  for  himself  and  one  for  Billy 
principle.  Do  it  he  would,  too,  for  he  saw  it  was  of  no  use  waiting 
for  Billy  to  begin. 

"  Nice  'oss  that,"  now  observed  the  Major  casually,  nodding 
towards  Nap. 

"  Yarso,"  replied  Billy,  looking  him  over. 

"That's  the  o-o-oss  I  showed  you  in  the  stable.*' 

"  Is  it  ?  "  observed  Billy,  who  didn't  recognize  him. 

"Ought  to  be  at  M-m-nielton,  that  oss,"  observed  the  Major. 

"Why  isn't  he?"  asked  Billy,  in  the  innocence  of  his  heart. 

"Don't  know,"  replied  the  ]\rajor  carelessly,  with  a  toss  of  his 
head  ;  "  don't  know.  The  fact  is,  I'm  idle — no  one  to  send  with 
him — too  old  to  go  myself — haryers  keep  me  at  home — year  too 
short  to  do  all  one  has  to  do — see  what  a  length  he  is — ord 
bless  us  he'd  go  over  Ashby  p-p-pastures  like  a  comet." 

Billy  had  now  got  his  eyes  well  fixed  upon  the  horse,  which  the 
Major  seeing  held  his  peace,  for  he  was  a  capital  seller,  and  had 
the  great  gift  of  knowing  when  he  had  said  enough.  He  was  not 
the  man  to  try  and  bore  a  person  into  buying,  or  spoil  his 
market  by  telling  a  youngster  that  the  horse  would  go  in  harness, 
or  by  not  asking  enough.  So  with  Solomon  still  to  and  froing 
with  his  little  legs,  the  horse  still  lively  and  gay,  the  hounds  still 
frisking  and  playing,  the  party  proceeded  tlirough  the  fertility- 
diminishing  country,  until  the  small  fields  with  live  fences 
gradually  gave  way  to  larger,  drabber  enclosures  with  stone  walls, 
and  Broadstruthev  hill  with  its  heath-burnt  summit  and  quarry 
broken  side  at  length  announces  their  approach  to  the  moors. 
The  moors  !  Who  does  not  feel  his  heart  expand  and  his  spirit 
glow  as  he  comes  upon  the  vast  ocean-like  space  of  moorland 
country  ?  Leaving  the  strife,  the  cares,  the  contentions  of  a 
narrow,  elbow-jostling  world  for  the  grand  enjoyment  of  pure  unre- 
stricted freedom  !  The  green  streak  of  fertile  soil,  how  sweet  it 
looks,  lit  up  by  the  fitful  gleam  of  a  cloud-obscured  sun,  the  dis- 
tant sky-touching  cairn,  how  tempting  to  reach  through  the  many 


164  ASK    MAMMA. 

intricacies  of  mountain  ground — so  easy  to  look  at,  so  difficult  to 
travel.  The  ink  rises  gaily  in  our  pen  at  the  thought,  and  pressing 
on,  we  cross  the  rough,  picturesque,  stone  bridge  over  the  trans- 
lucent stream,  so  unlike  the  polished,  chiseled  structures  of  town 
art,  where  nothing  is  thought  good  that  is  not  expensive ;  and 
now,  shaking  oif  the  last  enclosure,  we  reach  the  sandy  road  below 
the  watcher's  hill-ensconced  hut,  and  so  wind  round  into  the 
panorama  of  the  hiUs  within. 

"Ah  !  there  we  are  ! "  exclaimed  the  Major,  now  pointing  out 
the  myrtle-green  gentlemen  with  their  white  cords,  moving  their 
steeds  to  and  fro  upon  the  bright  sward  below  the  grey  rocks  of 
Cushetlaw  hill. 

"  There  we  are,"  repeated  he,  eyeing  them,  trying  to  make  out 
who  they  were,  so  as  to  season  his  greetings  accordingly. 

There  was  farmer  Eintoul  on  the  white,  and  Godfrey  Faulder, 
the  cattle  jobber,  on  the  grey  ;  and  Caleb  Rennison,  the  horse- 
breaker,  in  his  twilled-fustian  frock,  ready  to  ride  over  a  hound  as 
usual ;  and  old  Duffield,  the  horse-leech,  in  his  low-crowned  hat, 
black  tops,  and  one  spur  ;  and  Dick  Trail,  the  auctioneer,  on  his 
long-tailed  nag  ;  and  Bonnet,  the  biUiard-table  keeper  of  Hinton, 
in  his  odious  white  hat,  grey  tweed,  and  collar-marked  screw  ;  but 
who  the  cluster  of  men  are  on  the  left  the  Major  can't  for  the  life 
of  him  make  out.  He  had  hoped  that  Crickleton  might  have 
graced  the  meet  with  his  presence,  but  there  is  no  symptom  of  the 
yeUow-coated  groom,  and  Paul  Straddler  would  most  likely  be  too 
offended  at  not  being  invited  to  dine  and  have  gone  to  Sir  Moses's 
hounds  at  the  Cow  and  Calf  on  the  Fixton  and  Primrose-bank 
road.  Still  there  were  a  dozen  or  fourteen  sportsmen,  with  two  or 
three  more  coming  over  the  hill,  and  distance  hiding  the 
deficiencies  as  well  of  steeds  as  of  costume,  the  whole  has  a  very 
lively  and  inspiriting  effect. 

At  the  joyous,  well-known  "  here  they  come  ! "  of  the  lookers 
out,  a  move  is  perceptible  among  the  field,  who  forthwith  set  off  to 
meet  the  hounds,  and  as  the  advancing  parties  near,  the  Major  has 
time  to  identify  and  appropriate  their  faces  and  their  persons.  First 
comes  Captain  Nabley,  the  chief  constable  of  Featherbeds,  who 
greets  our  master  with  the  fi'iendliness  of  a  brother  soldier,  "  one  of 
us  "  in  arms,  and  is  forthwith  introduced  to  our  Billy.  Next  is  fat 
farmer  Nettlefold,  who  considers  himself  entitled  to  a  shake  of  the 
hand  in  return  for  the  Major's  frequent  comings  over  his  farm  at 
Carol-hill  green,  which  compliment  being  duly  paid  the  great 
master  then  raises  his  hat  in  return  for  the  salutes  of  Faulder, 
Rennison,  and  Trail,  and  again  stops  to  shake  hands  with  an  aged 
well- whiskered  dandy  in  mufty,  one  Mr.  Wotherspoon,  now  farm- 
ing or  starving  a  little  property  he  purchased  with  his  butlerage 


ASK    MAMMA.  155 

savings  under  the  great  Duke  of  Thuuderdownshire.  Wother- 
spoon  apes  the  manners  of  high  life  with  the  brandified  face  of 
low,  talks  parliament,  and  takes  snuff  from  a  gold  box  with  a 
George-the-Fourthian  air.  He  now  oilers  the  Major  a  pinch,  who 
accepts  it  with  graceful  concession. 

The  seedy-looking  gentleman  in  black,  on  the  too  palpable  three 
and  sixpence  a  sider,  is  Mr.  Catcbeside,  the  County  Court  bailifl-, 
with  his  pocket  full  of  summonses,  who  thinks  to  throw  a  round 
with  the  Major  into  the  day's  hire  of  his  broken-knee'd  chestnut, 
and  the  greasy-haired,  shining-faced  youth  with  him,  on  the  long- 
tailed  white  pony,  is  Ramshaw,  the  butcher's  boy,  on  the  same 
sort  of  speculation.  Then  we  have  Mr.  Meggi son's  coachman 
availing  himself  of  his  master's  absence  to  give  the  family  horse  a 
turn  with  the  hounds  instead  of  going  to  coals,  as  he  ought ;  and 
Mr.  Dotherington's  young  man  halting  on  his  way  to  the  doctor's 
with  a  note.  He  will  tell  his  mistress  the  doctor  was  out  and  he 
had  to  wait  ever  so  long  till  he  came  home.  The  four  truants 
seem  to  herd  together  on  the  birds-of-a-feather  principle.  And 
now  the  reinforced  party  reach  the  meet  below  the  grey  ivy-tangled 
rocks,  and  Solomon  pulls  up  at  the  accustomed  spot  to  give  his 
hounds  a  roll,  and  let  the  Major  receive  the  encomiums  of  the  en- 
circling field.  Then  there  is  a  repetition  of  tlie  kennel  scene  : 
"  Lovely  !  Lovely  !  Lovely  ! — beautiful  bitch  that — Chaunter  . 
Chaunter  !  Chaunter  ! — there's  a  handsome  hound — Bustler,  good 
dog  I  "  Only  each  man  has  his  particular  favourite  or  hound  that 
he  has  either  bred  or  walked,  or  knows  the  name  of,  and  so  most 
of  the  pack  come  in  for  more  or  less  praise.  It  is  agreed  on  all 
hands  that  they  never  looked  better,  or  the  establishment  more 
complete.    "  Couldn't  be  better  if  it  had  cost  five  thousand  a-year  ! " 

Most  grateful  were  their  commendations  to  the  Major  after  the 
dry,  monotonous  "yarses"  of  Billy,  who  sits  looking  unconcernedly 
on,  a  regular  sleeping  partner  in  the  old  established  firm  of 
"  Laudation  and  Co."  The  ]\Iajor  inwardly  attributes  his  indif- 
ference to  conceited  fox-hunting  pride.  "  Looks  down  upon 
haryers." 

The  field,  however,  gradually  got  the  steam  of  praise  up  to  a 
very  high  pitch.  Lideed,  had  not  ^Iv.  Wotherspoon,  who  was  only 
an  air-and-exercise  gentleman,  observed,  after  a  pompous  pinch  of 
snulf,  that  he  saw  by  the  papers  that  the  House  of  Lords,  of 
which  he  considered  himself  a  sort  of  supernumerary  member,  were 
going  to  do  something  or  not  to  do  something,  caused  a  check  in 
the  cry,  there  is  no  saying  but  they  might  altogether  have  for- 
gotten what  they  had  come  out  about.  As  it  was,  tlie  mention  of 
Mr.  Wotherspoon's  favourite  branch  of  the  legislature,  from  which 
they  had  all  suffered  more  or  less  severely,  operated  like  the  hose 


156  ASK    MAMMA. 

of  a  fire-engine  upon  a  crowd,  sending  one  man  one  way,  another 
another,  until  Wotherspoon  had  only  Solomon  and  the  hounds  to 
finish  off  before.  "  Indeed,  sir,"  was  all  the  encouragement  he  got 
from  Solomon.  But  let  us  get  away  from  the  insufferable  Brum- 
magem brandy-faced  old  bore  by  supposing  Solomon  transferred 
from  Napoleon  the  Great  to  Bulldog,  Billy  mounted  on  the  washy 
horse  instead  of  the  weaving  mare,  the  Major's  girths  drawn,  clay 
pipes  deposited  in  the  breast  pockets  of  the  owners,  and  thongs 
unloosened  to  commence  the  all-important  operation  of  thistle- 
whipping. 

At  a  nod  from  the  Major,  Solomon  gives  a  wave  of  his  hand 
to  the  hounds,  and  putting  his  horse  on,  the  tide  of  sportsmen 
sweep  after,  and  Cushetlaw  rocks  are  again  left  in  their  pristine 
composure. 

Despite  Billy's  indifference,  the  Major  is  still  anxious  to  showtc 
advantage,  not  knowing  who  Billy  may  relate  his  day's  sport  to, 
and  has  therefore  arranged  with  Solomon  not  to  cast  off  until 
they  get  upon  the  more  favourable  ground  of  Sunnylaws  moor. 
This  gives  Billy  time  to  settle  in  his  new  saddle,  and  scrape 
acquaintance  with  Napoleon,  whom  he  finds  a  very  complacent, 
easy-going  horse.  He  has  a  light,  playful  mouth,  and  Billy  doesn't 
feel  afraid  of  him.  Indeed,  if  it  wasn't  for  the  idea  of  the  jumps, 
he  would  rather  enjoy  it.  His  mind,  however,  might  have  been 
easy  on  that  score,  for  they  are  going  into  the  hills  instead  of  away 
from  them,  and  the  Major  has  scuttled  over  the  ground  so  often 
that  he  knows  every  bog,  and  every  crossing,  and  every  vantage- 
taking  line  ;  where  to  view  the  hare,  and  where  to  catch  up  his 
hounds,  to  a  nicety. 

At  length  they  reached  a  pretty,  amphitheatreish  piece  of 
country,  encircled  by  grassy  hills,  folding  gracefully  into  each 
other,  M'ith  the  bolder  outline  of  the  Arkenliill  moors  for  the  back- 
gi'ound.  A  silvery  stream  meanders  carelessly  about  the  lowland, 
occasionally  lost  to  view  by  sand  wreaths  and  gravel  beds 
thrown  up  by  impetuous  torrents  rushing  down  from  the  higher 
grounds. 

The  field  is  here  reinforced  by  Tom  Springer,  the  generally  out- 
of -place  watcher,  and  his  friend  Joe  Pitfall,  the  beer-shop  keeper 
of  Wetten  hill,  with  their  teupenny  wide-awakes,  well-worn,  baggy- 
pocketed  shooting-coats,  and  strong  oak  staffs,  suitable  either  for 
leaping  or  poking  poles. 

The  Major  returns  their  salute  with  a  lowering  brow,  for  he 
strongly  suspects  they  are  there  on  their  own  account,  and  not  for 
the  sake  of  enjoying  a  day  with  his  unrivalled  hounds.  However, 
as  neither  of  them  have  leave  over  the  ground,  they  can  neither 
of  them  find  fault,   and  must   just   put  up  with  each  other 


A!SK   MAMMA. 


157 


So  the  Major,  addressing  Springer,  says  "  I'll  give  you  a  shillin' 
if  you'll  find  me  a  hare,"  as  he  turns  to  the  Bnmbler  and  bids 
him  uncouple   Billy's  old  friends   Ruffler  and  Bustler.       This 


MR.   wniin:i;sri 


done,  the  hounds  (luickly  s])read  to  try  and  hit  off  the  morning' 
scent,  while  the  myrile-i^rucncrs  and  othei's  distribute  themselves, 
crackinu',  flopping,  and  hissing,  hci-e,  there,  and  everywhere. 
Springer  and  I'ltfall  go  ])oke,  puke,  tap.  ta]),  pee]).  ]>erp,  at 
every   likely  bush   and    tull,  but  boili   the  .Major   and    they  are 


158  ASK    MAMMA. 

too  often  over  the  ground  to  allow  of  hares  being  very  plentiftil. 
"When  they  do  find  them  they  are  generally  well  in  wind  from  work 
Meanwhile,  Mr.  Wotherspoon,  finding  that  Billy  Prmgle  is  a 
friend  of  Lord  Ladythorne's,  makes  up  to  him,  and  speaks  of  his 
lordship  in  the  kind,  encouraging  way,  so  becoming  a  great  man 
speaking  of  a  lesser  one.  "Oh,  he  knew  his  lordship  well, 
excellent  man  he  was,  knew  Mrs,  Moflf'att,  too — 'andsome  woman 
she  was.  Not  so  'andsome,  p'raps,  as  Mrs.  Spangles,  the  actress, 
but  still  a  v-a-a-ry  'andsome  woman.  Ah,  he  knew  Mrs.  Spangles, 
poor  thing,  long  before  she  came  to  Tantivy — when  she  was  on  the 
stage,  in  fact."  And  here  the  old  buck,  putting  his  massive,  gold- 
mounted  riding-whip  under  his  arm,  heaved  a  deep  sigh,  as  though 
the  mention  of  her  name  recalled  painful  recollections,  and  pro- 
ducing his  gold  snuff-box, after  offering  it  to  Billy,  he  consoled  him- 
self with  a  long-drawn  respiration  from  its  contents.  He  then 
flourished  his  scarlet,  attar-of-rose-scented  bandana,  and  seemed 
lost  in  contemplation  of  the  stripes  down  his  trowsers  and  his  little 
lacquered-toe'd  boots.  Billy  rode  silently  on  with  him,  making  no 
doubt  he  was  a  very  great  man — just  the  sort  of  man  his  Mamma 
would  wish  him  to  get  acquainted  with. 


CHAPTER    XXIV. 

THE   WILD   BEAST    ITSELF. 

_  Just  as  the  old  buck  was  resuming  the  thread  of  his  fashionable 
high-life  narrative,  preparatory  to  sounding  Billy  about  the  Major 
and  his  family,  the  same  sort  of  electric  thrill  shot  through  the 
field  that  characterised  the  terrible  "g-u-r  along — don't  you  see  the 
hounds  are  running  ?  "  de  Glancey  day  with  the  Earl.  Billy  felt 
all  over  he-didn't-know-how-ish — very  wish-he-was-at-home-ish. 
The  horse,  too,  began  to  caper. 

The  thrill  is  caused  by  a  shilling's-worth  of  wide-awake  on  a 
stick  held  high  against  the  sky-line  of  the  gently-swelling  hill  on 
the  left,  denoting  that  the  wild  beast  is  found,  causing  the  Major 
to  hold  up  his  hat  as  a  signal  of  reply,  and  all  the  rest  of  the  field 
to  desist  from  their  flopping  and  thistle-whipping,  and  rein  in  their 
screws  for  the  coming  conflict. 

"Now  s-s-sir  !  "  exclaims  the  stuttering  Major,  cantering  up  to 
our  Billy  all  flurry  and  enthusiasm.  "  Now,  s-s-sir  !  we  ha-ha-have 
her,  and  if  you'll  fo-fo-follow  me,  I'll  show  you  her,"  thinking  he 
was  offering  Billy  the  greatest  treat  imaginable.     So  saying  the 


ASK    MAMMA.  159 

Major  drops  his  hands  on  White  Sun-ey's  neck,  rises  in  his  stirrups, 
and  scuttles  away,  bounding  over  the  gorse  bushes  and  broom 
that  intervened  between  him  and  the  still  stick-hoisted  tenpenny. 


"  W7iere  is  she  ?  "  demands  the  Major.  "  Where  is  shef"  repeats 
he,  coming  up. 

"  A,  Major,  he  mun  gi'  us  halfe-croon  ony  ho'  this  time,"  ex- 
claims our  friend  Tom  Springer,  whose  head  gear  it  is  that  has 
been  hoisted. 

"  Deed  mun  ye ! "  asserts  Pitfall,  who  has  now  joined  his 
companion. 

"  No,  no  !  "  retorts  the  Major  angrily,  "  I  said  a  shillin' — a 
shillin's  ray  price,  and  you  know  it." 

"  Well,  but  consider  what  a  time  we've  been  a  lookin'  for  her, 
Major,"  replied  Springer,  mopping  his  brow. 

"  Well,  but  consider  that  you  are  about  to  partake  of  the  enjoy- 
ments as  well  as  myself,  and  that  I  find  the  whole  of  this  expensive 
establishment,"  retorted  the  Major,  looking  back  for  his  hounds. 
"  Not  a  farthin'  subscription." 

"  Say  two  shillin's,  then,"  replied  Springer  coaxingly, 

"  No,  no,"  replied  the  Major,  "  a  shillin's  plenty." 

"  Make  it  eighteen-pence  then,"  said  Pitfall,  "and  oop  she  goes 
for  the  money." 

"  Well,  come,"  snapped  the  Major  hurriedly,  as  Billy  now  came 
elbowing  up.     "  Where  is  she  ?     Where  is  she  ?  "  demanded  he. 

*' A,  she's  not  here — she's  not  here,  but  I  see  her  in  her  form 
thonder,"  replied  Springer,  nodding  towards  the  adjoining  bush- 
dotted  hill. 

"Go  to  her,  then,"  said  the  Major,  jingling  the  eighteen-pence 
in  his  hand,  to  be  ready  to  give  him  on  view  of  the  hare. 

The  man  then  led  the  way  through  rushes,  brambles,  and  briars, 
keeping  a  steady  eye  on  the  spot  where  she  sate.  At  length  he 
stopped.  "  There  she's,  see  ! "  said  he,  soito  voce,  pointing  to  the 
green  hill-side. 

"I  have  her!"  whispered  the  Major,  his  keen  eyes  spark- 
ling with  delight.  "  Come  here,"  said  he  to  Billy,  "  and  I'll  show 
her  to  you.  There,"  said  he,  "  there  you  see  that  patch  of  govse 
with  the  burnt  stick  stumps,  at  the  low  end — well,  carry  your  eye 
down  the  slope  of  the  land,  past  the  old  willow-tree,  and  you  have 
her  as  plain  as  a  pike-stall'." 

Billy  shook  his  head.  He  saw  nothing  but  a  tilf  t  or  two  of  rough 
p-ass. 

"  0  yes,  you  see  her  large  eyes  watching  us,"  continued  the 
Major,  "  thinking  she  sees  us  without  our  seeing  her. 


160  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  No,"  our  friend  didn't. 

"  Very  odd,"  laughed  the  Major,  "  very  odd,"  with  the  sort  ol 
vexation  a  man  feels  when  another  can't  be  made  to  see  the  object 
he  does. 

"  Will  you  give  them  a  view  now  ?  "  asked  Springer,  "  or  put 
her  away  quietly  ?  " 

"  Oh,  put  her  away  quietly,"  replied  the  Major,  "  put  her  away 
quietly  ;  and  let  them  get  their  noses  well  down  to  the  scent  ;  " 
adding — "  I've  got  some  strange  hounds  out,  and  I  want  to  see  how 
they  work." 

The  man  then  advanced  a  few  paces,  and  touching  one  of  the 
apparently  lifeless  tufts  with  his  pole,  out  sprang  puss  and  went 
Btotting  and  dotting  away  with  one  ear  back  and  the  other  forward, 
in  a  state  of  indignant  perturbation.  "  Buck  !  "  exclaims  Pitfall, 
watching  her  as  she  goes. 

"  Doubt  it,"  replied  the  Major,  scrutinising  her  attentively. 

"Nay  look  at  its  head  and  shoulders  ;  did  you  iver  see  sic  red 
shoulders  as  those  on  a  doe  ?  "  asked  Springer. 

"Well,"  said  the  Major,  "  there's  your  money,"  handing  Springer 
the  eighteen-pence,  "  and  I  hope  she'll  be  worth  it ;  but  mind,  for 
the  futur'  a  shillin's  my  price." 

After  scudding  up  the  hill,  puss  stopped  to  listen  and  ascertain 
the  quality  of  her  pursuers.  She  had  sutfered  persecution 
from  many  hands,  shooters,  coursers,  snarers,  and  once  before 
from  the  Major  and  his  harriers.  That,  however,  was  on  a  bad 
scenting  day,  and  she  had  not  had  much  difficulty  in  beating 
them. 

Meanwhile  Solomon  has  been  creeping  quietly  on  with  his 
hounds,  encouraging  such  to  hunt  as  seemed  inclined  that  way, 
though  the  majority  were  pretty  well  aware  of  the  grand  discovery 
and  lean  towards  the  horsemen  in  advance.  Puss  however  had 
slipped  away  unseen  by  the  hounds,  and  Twister  darts  at  the 
empty  form  thinking  to  save  all  trouble  by  a  chop.  Bracelet  then 
strikes  a  scent  in  advance,  Paiffler  and  Chaunter  confirm  it,  and 
after  one  or  two  hesitating  rashes  and  flourishes,  increasing  in 
intensity  each  time,  a  scent  is  fairly  established,  and  away  they 
drive  full  cry  amid  exclamations  of  '•  Beautiful  !  beautiful  !  never 
saw  anything  puttier  !  "  from  the  Major  and  the  field — the  music 
of  the  hounds  being  increased  and  prolonged  by  the  echoes  of  the 
valleys  and  adjacent  hills. 

The  field  then  fall  into  line.  Silent  Solomon  first,  the  Major  ot 
course  next.  Fine  Billy  third,  with  Wotherspoon  and  Nettlefold 
rather  contending  for  his  company.  Nabley,  Duffield,  Bonnet. 
Rennison.  Faulder.  Catcheside,  truants,  all  mixed  up  together  in 
heterogeneous  confusion,  jostling  for  precedence  as  men  do  when 


AffK    MAMMA. 


161 


there  are  no  leaps.  So  they  round  Hawthorn  hill,  and  pour  up  the 
pretty  valley  beyond,  each  man  ridiiisi'  a  good  deal  harder  than  his 
horse,  the  hounds  going  best  pace,  which  however  is  not  very  great. 


PfSS    HAS    SKI'   TIIKM    A    VV7.7.1.E. 


"riive  me,"  inwardly  prays  the  ^lajor,  cantering  conse- 
quentially along  with  his  ( hong-gathered  whip  held  uj)  like 
a  sword,  "give  me  five  and  twenty  minutes,  the  first  fifteen 
a  burst,  then  a  fault  well  hit  ofT',  and  the  remaining  ten  without  a 
turn,"  thinking  to  astonish   the   sujiereilious  foxhunter.      Then 


162  ASK    MAMMA. 

he  takes  a  sly  look  to  see  how  Napoleon  is  faring,  it  beinj^  by 
no  means  his  intention  to  let  Fine  Billy  get  to  the  bottom  of  him. 

On,  on,  the  hounds  press,  for  now  is  the  time  to  enjoy  the  scent 
with  a  hare,  and  they  have  run  long  enough  together  to  have  con- 
fidence in  their  leaders. 

Now  Lovely  has  the  scent,  now  Lilter,  now  Ruffler  flings  in 
advance,  and  again  is  superseded  by  Twister. 

They  brush  through  the  heathery  open  with  an  increasing 
cry,  and  fling  at  the  cross-road  between  Birwell  Mill  and  Cap- 
stone with  something  like  the  energy  of  foxhounds ;  Twister 
catches  it  up  beyond  the  sandy  track,  and  hurrying  over  it,  some 
twenty  yards  further  on  is  superseded  by  Lovely,  who  hits  it  ofl"  to 
the  left. 

Away  she  goes  with  the  lead. 

"  Beautiful !  beautiful !  "  exclaims  the  Major,  hoping  the  fox- 
hunter  sees  it. 

"  Beautiful  !  beautiful !  "  echoes  Nettlefold,  as  the  clustering 
pack  drop  their  sterns  to  the  scent  and  push  forward  with  renewed 
velocity. 

The  Major  again  looks  for  our  friend  Billy,  who  is  riding  in  a 
very  careless  slack-rein  sort  of  style,  not  at  all  adapted  for  making 
the  most  of  his  horse.  However  it  is  no  time  for  remonstrance, 
and  the  music  of  the  hounds  helps  to  make  things  pleasant.  On, 
on  they  speed ;  up  one  hill,  down  anotlier,  round  a  third,  and  so  on. 

One  great  advantage  of  hunting  in  a  strange  country  un- 
doubtedly is,  that  all  runs  are  straight,  with  harriers  as  well  as 
foxhounds,  with  some  men,  who  ride  over  the  same  ground  again 
and  again  without  knowing  that  it  is  the  same,  and  Billy  was  one 
of  this  sort.  Though  they  rounded  Hawthorn  hill  again,  it  never 
occurred  to  him  that  it  was  the  second  time  of  asking  ;  indeed  he 
just  cantered  carelessly  on  like  a  man  on  a  watering-place  hack, 
thinking  when  his  hour  will  be  out,  regardless  of  the  beautiful 
hits  made  by  Lovely  and  Lilter  or  any  of  them,  and  which  almost 
threw  the  Major  and  their  respective  admirers  into  ecstacies. 
Great  was  the  praise  bestowed  upon  their  performances,  it  being 
the  interest  of  every  man  to  mag-nify  the  run  and  astonish  the 
stranger.  Had  they  but  known  as  much  of  the  Richest  Com- 
moner as  the  reader  does,  they  would  not  have  given  themselves 
the  trouble. 

Away  they  pour  over  hill  and  dale,  over  soft  ground  and  sound, 
through  reedy  rushes  and  sedgy  flats,  and  over  the  rolling  stones 
of  the  fallen  rocks. 

Then  they  score  away  full  cry  on  getting  upon  more  propitious 
ground.  What  a  cry  they  make  1  and  echo  seemingly  takeg 
pleaaui'e  to  repeat  the  sound. 


ASK    MAMMA.  163 

Napoleon  the  Great  presently  begins  to  play  the  castanets  with 
his  feet,  an  ominous  sound  to  our  Major,  who  looks  back  for  the 
Bumbler,  and  inwardly  wishes  for  a  check  to  favour  his  design  of 
dismounting  our  hero. 

Half  a  mile  or  so  further  on,  and  the  chance  occurs.  They  get 
upon  a  piece  of  bare  heather  burnt  ground,  whose  peaty  smell 
baffles  the  scent,  and  brings  the  hounds  first  to  a  check,  then  to  a 
stand-still. 

Solomon's  hand  in  the  air  beckons  a  halt,  to  which  the  field 
gladly  respond,  for  many  of  the  steeds  are  eating  new  oats,  and  do 
not  get  any  great  quantity  of  those,  while  some  are  on  swedes,  and 
others  only  have  hay.  Altogether  their  condition  is  not  to  be 
spoken  of. 

The  Major  now  all  hurry  scurry,  just  like  a  case  of  "  second 
horses  I  second  horses  !  where's  my  fellow  with  my  second 
horse  ?  "  at  a  check  in  Leicestershire,  beckons  the  Bumbler  up  to 
Billy  ;  and  despite  of  our  friend's  remonstrance,  who  has  got  on 
such  terms  with  Napoleon  as  to  allow  of  his  taking  the  liberty  of 
spurring  him,  and  would  rather  remain  where  he  is,  insists  upon 
putting  him  upon  the  mare  again,  observing,  that  he  couldn't 
think  of  taking  the  only  spare  'orse  from  a  gen'lman  who  had  done 
him  the  distinguished  honour  of  leaving  the  Earl's  establishment 
for  his  'umble  pack  ;  and  so,  in  the  excitement  of  the  moment, 
Billy  is  hustled  off  one  horse  and  hurried  on  to  another,  as  if  a 
moment's  hesitation  would  be  fatal  to  the  fray.  The  IMajor  then, 
addressing  the  Bumbler  in  an  undertone,  says,  "  Now  walk  that 
'orse  quietly  home,  and  get  him  some  linseed  tea,  and  have  hira 
done  up  by  the  time  we  get  in."  He  then  spurs  gallantly  up  to 
the  front,  as  though  he  expected  the  hounds  to  be  off  again  at 
score.  There  was  no  need  of  such  energy,  for  puss  has  set  them  a 
puzzle  tliat  will  take  them  some  time  to  unravel ;  but  it  saved  an 
argument  with  Billy,  and  perhaps  the  credit  of  the  bay.  He  now 
goes  drooping  and  slouching  away,  very  unlike  the  cock-horse  he 
came  out. 

Meanwhile,  the  hounds  have  shot  out  and  contracted,  and  shot 
out  and  contracted — and  tried  and  tested,  and  tried  and  tested — 
every  tnl't  and  every  inch  of  burnt  ground,  while  Solomon  sita 
motionless  between  them  and  the  head  mopping  chattering 
field. 

"  Must  be  on,"  observes  Caleb  Rennison,  the  horse-breaker, 
whose  three-year-old  began  fidgetting  and  neighing. 

"  Back,  I  say,"  speculated  Bonnet,  whose  domicile  lay  to  the 
rear. 

"  ^''eiy  odd,"  observed  Captain  Nabley,  "  they  ran  her  well  to 
here.' 


lU  Ask   Ma  MM  A. 

"  Hares  are  queer  tliiugs,"  said  old  DuflBeld,  wishing  he  had  her 
by  the  ears  for  the  pot. 

"  Far  more  hunting  with  a  hare  nor  a  fox,"  observed  Mr.  Rintoul, 
who  always  praised  his  department  of  the  chase. 

"  Must  have  squatted,"  observes  old  Wotherspoon,  taking  a  pinch 
of  snuff,  and  placing  his  double  gold  eye-glasses  on  his  nose  to 
reconnoitre  the  scene. 

"  Lies  very  close,  if  she  has,"  rejoins  Godfrey  Faulder,  flopping 
at  a  furze-bush  as  he  spoke. 

"  Lost  her,  I  fear,"  ejaculated  Mr.  Trail,  who  meant  to  beg  her 
for  a  christening  dinner  if  they  killed. 

The  fact  is,  puss  having,  as  we  said  before,  had  a  game  at 
romps  with  her  pursuers  dn  a  bad  scenting  day,  when  she  regulated 
her  speed  by  their  pace,  has  been  inconveniently  pressed  on  the 
present  occasion,  and  feeling  her  strength  fail,  has  had  recourse  to 
some  of  the  many  arts  for  which  hares  are  famous.  After  crossing 
the  burnt  ground  she  made  for  a  gi'easy  sheep-track,  up  which  she 
ran  some  fifty  yards,  and  then  deliberately  retracing  her  steps, 
threw  herself  with  a  mighty  spring  into  a  rushy  furze  patch  at  the 
bottom  of  the  hill.  She  now  lies  heaving  and  panting,  and 
watching  the  success  of  her  stratagem  from  her  ambush,  with  the 
terror-striking  pack  full  before  her. 

And  now  having  accommodated  Mr.  Pringle  with  a  second  horse, 
perhaps  the  reader  will  allow  us  to  take  a  fresh  pen  and  finish  the 
run  in  another  Chapter. 


CHAPTER    XXV. 

A    CRUEL    FINISH. 


E^'^:RY  hound  having  at  length  sniffed  and  snuffed,  and  sniffed 
and  snuffed,  to  satiety,  Solomon  now  essays  to  assist  them  by 
( asting  round  the  flat  of  smoke-infected  ground.  He  makes  the 
^ead  good  first,  which  manoBUvre  hitting  off  the  scent,  he  is  hailed 
i  nd  applauded  as  a  conqueror.  Never  was  sucli  a  huntsman  aa 
Solomon  !  First  harrier  huntsman  in  England  !  AVorth  any  money 
f.s  a  huntsman  !  The  again  clamorous  pack  bustle  up  the  sheep- 
])ath,  at  such  a  pace  as  sends  the  leaders  huiTving  far  beyond  the 
seent.  Then  the  rear  rush  to  the  front,  and  a  general  spread  of 
b(;\vildered,  beniglited,  coni'usion  ensues. 

"  "Where  lias  she  got  to  ?  "  is  the  question. 

"Doubled '"  mutters  the  disappointed  ]\Iajor,  reining  in  his  steed 


ASK   MAMMA,  i0b 

"  Squatted  !  *'  exclaims  Mr.  Rintoul,  who  alwayp  «ported  an 
opinion. 

"  Hold  hard  ! "  cries  Mr.  Trail,  thongh  they  were  all  at  a  stand- 
still ;  but  then  he  wished  to  let  them  know  he  was  there. 

The  leading  hounds  retrace  their  steps,  and  again  essay  to  carry 
the  scent  forward.  The  second  effort  is  attended  with  the  same 
result  as  the  first.     They  cannot  get  it  beyond  the  double. 

"  Cunning    animal  ! "   mutters   the   Major,   eyeing    their  en 
deavours. 

"  Far  more  hunt  with  a  hare  nor  a  fox,"  now  observes  Mr. 
Bonnet,  raising  his  white  hat  to  cool  his  bald  head. 

"  Far  !  "  replies  Mr.  Faulder,  thinking  he  must  be  off. 

"  If  it  weren't  for  the  red  coats  there  wouldn't  be  so  many  fox- 
hunters,"  ciiuckles  old  Duffield,  who  dearly  loves  roast  hare. 

Solomon  is  puzzled  ;  but  as  he  doesn't  profess  to  be  wiser  than 
the  hounds,  he  jnst  lets  them  try  to  make  it  out  for  themselves. 
If  they  can't  wind  her,  he  can't  :  so  the  old  sage  sits  like  a  statue. 

At  length  the  majority  give  her  up. 

And  now  Springer  and  Pitfall,  and  two  or  three  other  pedestrians 
who  have  been  attracted  from  their  work  by  the  music  of  the 
hounds,  and  have  been  enjoying  the  ]ianorama  of  the  chase  with 
their  pipes  from  the  summit  of  an  inside  hill,  descend  to  see  if  they 
can  either  prick  her  or  pole  her. 

Down  go  their  heads  as  if  they  were  looking  for  a  pin. — The 
hounds,  however,  have  obliterated  all  traces  of  her,  and  they  soon 
have  recourse  to  their  staves. 

Bang,  hang,  hang,  they  beat  the  gorse  and  broom  and  juniper 
bushes  with  vigorous  sincerity.  Crack,  flop,  crack,  go  the  field  in 
aid  of  their  endeavours.  Solomon  leans  with  his  hounds  to  the 
left,  which  is  lucky  for  puss,  for  though  she  withstood  the  down- 
ward blow  of  Springer's  pole  on  her  bush,  a  well-directed  side 
thrust  sends  her  flying  out  in  a  state  of  the  greatest  excitement. 
"What  an  outljurst  of  joy  the  sight  of  her  occasioned  !  Hounds, 
horses,  riders,  all  seemed  to  ])articipate  in  the  common  enthusiasm  ! 
How  they  whooped,  and  halloo'd  and  shouted  !  enough  to  frighten 
the  poor  thing  out  of  her  wits.  Billy  and  the  field  have  a  grand 
view  of  her,  for  she  darts  first  to  the  right,  then  to  the  left,  then  tO' 
the  right  and  again  to  the  left,  ere  she  tucks  her  long  legs  under 
her  and  strides  up  l''leeoi)e  hill  at  a  pace  that  looks  quite  un- 
a])i)roaohal)l(!.  Faulder  alone  remains  where  he  is,  muttering 
**  fresh  har  "  as  she  goes. 

The  ]\Iajor  and  all  the  rest  of  the  field  hug  their  horses  and  tear 
along  in  a  state  of  joyous  excitement,  for  they  see  her  life  i» 
theirs.  They  keep  the  low  ground  and  jump  with  the  hounds  at 
the  bridlegate  between  Greenlaw  sheep-walks  and  Hindhope  cairn^ 


165  ASK    MAMMA. 

just  as  Lovely  hits  the  scent  off  over  the  boundary  wall,  and  the 
rest  of  the  pack  endorse  her  note.  They  are  now  on  fresh 
ground,  which  greatly  aids  the  efforts  of  the  hounds,  who  push 
on  with  a  head  that  the  Major  thinks  ought  to  procure  them  a 
compliment  from  Billy.  Our  friend,  however,  keeps  all  his 
compliments  for  the  ladies,  not  being  aware  that  there  is  anything 
remarkable  in  the  performance,  which  he  now  begins  to  wish  at  an 
end.  He  has  ridden  as  long  as  he  likes,  quite  as  much  as  Jlr. 
Spavin,  or  any  of  the  London  livery  stable-keepers,  would  let  him 
have  for  half-a-guinea.  Indeed  he  wishes  he  mayn't  have  got  more 
than  is  good  for  him. 

The  Major  meanwhile,  all  energy  and  enthusiasm,  rides  gallantly 
forward,  for  though  he  is  no  great  hand  among  the  enclosures,  he 
makes  a  good  fight  in  the  hills,  especially  when,  as  now,  he  knows 
every  yard  of  the  country.  iMany's  the  towl  he's  had  over  it, 
though  to  look  at  his  excited  face  one  would  think  this  was  his  first 
hunt.  He'll  now  "  bet  half-a-crown  they  kill  her  !  "  He'll  "  bet 
a  guinea  they  kill  her  ! "  He'll  "  bet  a  fi-pun  note  they  kill  her  !  " 
He'll  "  bet  half  the  national  debt  they  kill  her  !  "  as  Dainty,  and 
iiOvely,  and  Bustler,  after  dwelling  and  hesitating  over  some  rushy 
ground,  at  length  proclaim  the  scent  beyond. 

Away  they  all  sweep  like  the  careering  wind.  On  follow  the 
field  in  glorious  excitement.  A  flock  of  black-faced  sheep  next  foil 
the  ground — sheep  as  wild,  if  not  wilder,  than  the  animal  the 
hounds  are  pursuing.  We  often  think,  when  we  see  these  strong- 
scented  animals  scouring  the  country,  that  a  good  beast  of  chase 
has  been  overlooked  for  the  stag.  Why  shouldn't  an  old  wiry 
black-faced  tup,  with  his  wild  sparkling  eyes  and  spiral  horns, 
afford  as  good  a  run  as  a  home-fed  deer  ?  Start  the  tup  in  his  own 
rough  region,  and  we  will  be  bound  to  say  he  will  give  the  hounds 
and  their  followei'S  a  scramble.  The  ]\Iajor  now  denounces  the 
flying  flock — "  Oh,  those  nasty  muttons  !  "  exclaims  he,  "  bags  of 
bone  rather,  for  they  won't  be  meat  these  five  years.  Wonder  how 
any  sane  people  can  cultivate  such  animals." 

The  hounds  hunt  well  through  the  difficulty,  or  the  ]\rajor  would 
have  been  more  savage  still.  On  they  go,  yapping  and  towling, 
and  howling  as  before,  the  j\Iajor's  confidence  in  a  kill  increasing 
at  every  stride. 

The  terror-striking  shouts  that  greeted  poor  puss's  exit  fi'om  the 
bush,  have  had  the  effect  as  well  of  driving  her  out  of  her  country 
as  of  pressing  her  beyond  her  strength  ;  and  she  has  no  sooner 
succeeded  in  placing  what  she  hopes  is  a  comfortable  distance 
between  herself  and  her  pursuers,  than  she  again  has  recourse  to 
those  tricks  with  which  nature  has  so  plentifully  endowed  her. 
Sinking  the  hill  she  makes  for  the  little  enclosed  allotmentB  below, 


ASK    MAMMA.  167 

and  •electing  a  bare  fallow — ^bare,  except  in  the  matter  of  whicken 
grass — she  steals  quietly  in,  and  commences  her  performances  on 
the  least  verdant  part  of  it. 

First  she  described  a  small  circle,  then  she  sprung  into  the 
middle  of  it  and  squatted.  Next  she  jumped  up  and  bounded  out 
in  a  different  direction  to  the  one  by  which  she  had  entered. 
She  then  ran  about  twenty  yards  up  a  furrow,  retracing  her 
steps  backwards,  and  giving  a  roll  near  where  she  started  from. 
Then  she  took  three  bounding  springs  to  the  left,  which  landed 
her  on  the  hard  headland,  and  creeping  along  the  side  of  the  wall 
she  finally  popped  through  the  water-hole,  and  squeezed  into  an 
incredibly  small  space  between  the  kerbstone  and  the  gate-post. 
There  she  lay  with  her  head  to  the  air,  panting  and  heaving, 
and  listening  for  her  dread  pursuers  coming.  0  what  agony 
waa  hers ! 

Presently  the  gallant  band  came  howling  and  towling  over  the 
hill,  in  all  the  gay  delirium  of  a  hunt  without  leaps — the  Major 
with  difficulty  restraining  their  ardour  as  he  pointed  out  the 
brilliance  of  the  perlbrmance  to  Billy — "  Most  splendid  running  ! 
most  capital  hunting !  most  superb  pack ! "  with  a  sly  "pish  " 
and  "  shaw "  at  foxhounds  in  general,  and  Sir  Mosey's  in 
particular.  The  Major  hadn't  got  over  the  Bo-peep  business,  and 
never  would. 

The  pack  now  reached  the  scene  of  Puss's  frolics,  and  the  music 
very  soon  descended  from  a  towering  tenour  to  an  insignificant 
whimper,  which  at  length  died  out  altogether.  Soloman  and 
Bulldog  were  again  fixtures,  Solomon  as  usual  with  his  hand  up 
beckoning  silence.  He  knew  how  weak  the  scent  must  be,  and  how 
important  it  was  to  keep  quiet  at  such  a  critical  period  ;  and  let 
the  hounds  hit  her  off"  if  they  could. 

Puss  had  certainly  given  them  a  Gordian  knot  to  unravel,  and 
not  all  the  hallooing  and  encouragement  in  the  world  could  drive 
them  much  beyond  the  magic  circle  she  had  described.  Whenever 
the  hunt  seemed  likely  to  be  re-established,  it  invariably  resulted 
in  a  return  to  the  place  from  whence  they  started.  They  couldn't 
get  forward  with  it  at  all,  and  poked  about,  and  tested  the  same 
ground  over  and  over  again. 

It  was  a  regular  period  or  full  stop. 

"Very  rum,"  ob.served  Caleb  Rennison,  looking  first  at  his 
three-year-old,  then  at  his  watch,  thinking  that  it  was  about 
pudding-time. 

"  She's  surely  a  witch,"  said  Mr.  Wotherspoon,  taking  a 
prolonged  pinch  of  snufi*. 

"  "We'll  roast  her  for  one  at  all  events,"  laughed  Mr.  Trail,  the 
auctioneer,  still  hoping  to  get  her. 


I^  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  First  catch  your  hare,  says  Mrs.  Somebody,"  responded  Captain 
Nabley,  eyeing  the  sorely  puzzled  pack. 

"0  ketch  her !  we're  sure  to  ketch  her,"  observed  Mr.  Nettlefold, 
chucking  up  his  chin  and  dismounting. 

*'  Not  60  clear  about  that,"  muttered  Mr.  Rintoul,  as  Lovely, 
and  Bustler,  and  Lilter,  again  returned  to  repeat  the  search. 

"  If  those  hounds  can't  own  her,  there  are  no  hounds  in  England 
can,"  asserted  the  IMajor,  anxious  to  save  the  credit  of  his  pack 
before  the — he  feared — too  critical  stranger. 

At  this  depressiug  moment,  again  come  the  infantry,  and 
commence  the  same  system  of  peering  and  poking  that  marked 
their  descent  on  the  former  occasion. 

And  now  poor  puss  being  again  a  little  recruited,  steals  out  of 
her  hiding-place,  and  crosses  quietly  along  the  outside  of  the  wall 
to  where  a  flock  of  those  best  friends  to  a  hunted  hare,  some 
newly-smeared,  white-faced  sheep,  were  quietly  nibbling  at  the  half- 
grass,  half-heather,  of  the  little  moor-edge  farm  of  Mossheiigh-law, 
whose  stone-roofed  buildings,  washed  by  a  clear  mountain  stream, 
and  sheltered  by  a  clump  of  venerable  Scotch  firs,  stand  on  a  bright 
green  patch,  a  sort  of  oasis  in  the  desert.  The  sheep  hardly  deign 
to  notice  the  hare,  far  different  to  the  consternation  bold  Reynard 
carries  into  their  camp,  when  they  go  circling  round  like  a  squadron 
of  dragoons,  drawing  boldly  up  to  charge  when  the  danger's  past. 
So  poor,  weary,  foot  sore,  fur-matted  puss,  goes  hobbling  and 
limping  up  to  the  farm-buildings  as  if  to  seek  protection  from  man 
against  his  brother  man. 

Now  it  so  happened  that  Mrs.  Kidwell,  the  half-farmer,  half- 
shepherd's  pretty  wife,  was  in  the  fold-yard,  washing  her  churn, 
along  with  her  little  chubby-faced  Jessey,  who  was  equally  busy 
with  her  Mamma  munching  away  at  a  very  long  slice  of  plentifully- 
buttered  and  sugar'd  bread  ;  and  ]\ramma  chancing  to  look  up 
from  the  churn  to  see  how  her  darling  progressed,  saw  puss  halting 
at  the  threshold,  as  if  waiting  to  be  asked  in, 

"  It's  that  mad  old  Major  and  his  dogs  ! "  exclaimed  Mrs. 
Kidwell,  catching  up  the  child  lest  its  red  petticoat  might  scare 
away  the  visitor,  and  popping  into  the  dairy,  she  saw  the  hare, 
after  a  little  demur,  hobble  into  the  cow-house.  Having  seen  her 
well  in,  Mrs.  Kidwell  emerged  from  her  hiding-place,  and  locking 
the  door,  she  put  the  key  in  her  pocket,  and  resumed  her  occupation 
with  her  churn.  Presently  the  familiar  melody — the  yow,  yow, 
yap,  yap,  yow,  yow  of  the  hounds  broke  upon  her  ear,  increasing  in 
strength  as  she  listened,  making  her  feel  glad  she  was  at  hand  to 
befriend  the  poor  hare. 

The  hunt  was  indeed  revived.  The  hounds,  one  and  all, 
Jiaving  declared  their  inability  to  make  any  thing  more  of  it, 


p ;ss  riNLfs  A   RJirjcE. 


ASK    MAMMA.  169 

Solomon  had  set  off  on  one  of  his  cruises,  which  resulted  in  the 
yeomen  prickers  and  he  meeting  at  the  gate,  where  the  hare  had 
squatted,  when  Lovely  gave  tongue,  just  as  Springer,  with  his 
eyes  well  down,  exclaimed,  "  here  she's!  "  Bustler,  and  Bracelet, 
and  Twister,  and  Chaunter,  confirmed  Lovely's  opinion,  and  away 
they  went  with  the  feeble  scent  peculiar  to  the  sinking  animal. 
Their  difficulties  are  fiirther  increased  by  the  sheep,  it  requiring 
Solomon's  oft-raised  hand  to  prevent  the  bounds  being  hurried 
over  the  line — as  it  is,  the  hunt  was  conducted  on  the  silent 
system  for  some  little  distance.  The  pace  rather  improved  aftei 
they  got  clear  of  the  smear  and  foil  of  the  muttons,  and  the  Majoi 
pulled  up  his  gills,  felt  his  tie,  and  cocked  bis  bat  jauntily,  as  the 
hounds  pointed  for  the  pretty  farm-bouse,  the  Major  thinking  to 
show  off"  to  advantage  before  Mrs.  Kidwell.  They  presently  carried 
the  scent  up  to  the  still  open  gates  of  the  fold-yard.  Lovely 
now  proclaims  where  puss  has  paused.      Things  look  very  critical. 

"Good  raornin',  Mrs.  Kidwell,"  exclaimed  the  gallant  Major, 
addressing  her  ;  "  pray  how  long  have  you  been  at  the 
churn  ?  " 

"  0,  this  twenty  minutes  or  more,  IMajor,"  replied  Mrs.  Kidwell, 
gaily. 

"  Yon  haven't  got  the  hare  in  it,  have  you  ?  "  asked  be. 

"Not  that  I  know  of;  but  you  can  look  if  you  like,"  replied 
Mrs.  Kidwell,  colouring  slightly. 

"Why,  no  ;  we'll  take  your  word  for  it,"  rejoined  the  Major 
gallantly,  "  ^Must  be  on,  Solomon  ;  must  be  on,"  said  be — 
nodding  his  huntsman  to  proceed. 

Solomon  is  doubtful,  but  "  master  being  master,"  Solomon  holds 
his  hounds  on  past  the  stable,  round  the  lambing-slieds  and  stack- 
yard, to  the  front  of  the  little  tln-ee  windows  and  a  doored 
farm-bouse,  without  eliciting  a  whimper,  no,  not  even  from  a 
babbler. 

Just  at  this  moment  a  passing  cloud  discharged  a  gentle  shower 
over  the  scene,  and  wbcn  Solomon  returned  to  pui'sue  liis  inquiries 
in  the  fold-yard,  the  last  vestige  of  scent  bad  been  efTectually 
obliterated. 

Mrs.  Kidwell  now  stood  watching  the  inquisitive  proceedings  df 
the  party,  searching  now  tbe  beu-liouse,  now  tbc  pigstye,  now  the 
ash-hole  ;  and  when  Solomon  tried  tbe  cow-bouse  door,  she 
observed  carelessly  :  "  Ah,  that's  locked  ; "  and  be  passed  on  to 
examine  the  straw-sbed  adjoining.  All  places  were  overliauled 
and  scrutinized.  At  length,  even  Captain  Nabley's  detective 
genius  failed  in  suggesting  where  puss  could  be. 

"Where  did  you  see  her  last  ?"  asked  Mrs.  Kidwell,  with  well- 
feigned  ignorance. 


170  ASK    MAMMA. 

"Why,  we've  not  seen  her  for  some  time  ;  but  the  hounds 
hunted  her  up  to  your  very  gate,"  replied  the  Major. 

"  Deary  me,  how  strange  !  and  you've  made  nothin*  of  her 
since  ?  "  observed  she. 

"  Nothin',"  assented  the  Major,  reluctantly. 

"  Very  odd,"  observed  Mr.  Catcheside,  who  was  anxious  for  a 
kill. 

"Never  saw  nothin'  like  it,"  asserted  Mr.  Rintoul,  looking 
again  into  the  pigstye. 

'*  She  must  have  doubled  back,"  suggested  Mr.  Nettlefold. 

"  Should  have  met  her  if  she  had,"  observed  old  Duffield. 

"  She  must  be  somewhere  hereabouts,"  observes  Mr.  Trail, 
dismounting,  and  stamping  about  on  foot  among  the  half-trodden 
straw  of  the  fold-yard. 

No  puss  there. 

"Hard  upon  the  hounds,"  observes  Mr.  Wotherspoon,  re- 
plenishing his  nose  with  a  good  charge  of  siiufF. 

"  Oriwl,  indeed,"  assented  the  Major,  who  never  gave  them 
more  than  entrails. 

"Never  saw  a  hare  better  hunted  !  "  exclaimed  Captain  Nabley, 
lighting  a  cigar. 

"  Nor  I,"  assented  fat  Mr.  Nettleford,  mopping  his  brow. 

"  How  long  was  it  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Rintoul. 

"  An  hour  and  five  minutes,"  replied  the  Major,  looking  at  his 
watch  (five-and-forty  minutes  in  reality). 

"  V-a-a-ry  good  running,"  elaborates  old  dandy  "Wortherspoon. 
"  I  see  by  the  Post,  that " 

"  Well,  I  s'pose  we  must  give  her  up,"  interrupted  the  Major, 
who  didn't  want  to  have  the  contents  of  his  own  second-hand 
copy  forestalled. 

"  Pity  to  leave  her,"  observes  Mr.  Trail,  returning  to  his 
horse. 

"  What  can  you  do  ?  "  asked  the  Major,  adding,  "  it's  no  use 
sitting  here." 

"  None,"  assents  Captain  Nabley,  blowing  a  cloud. 

At  a  nod  from  the  Major,  Solomon  now  collects  liis  hounds,  and 
passing  through  the  scattered  group,  observes  with  a  sort  of 
Wellingtonian  touch  of  his  cap,  in  reply  to  their  condolence, 
"  Yes,  sir,  but  it  takes  a  sJee  chap,  sir,  to  kill  a  moor-edge  hare, 
sir !  " 

So  the  poor  Major  was  foiled  of  his  fur,  and  when  the  cows 
came  lowing  down  from  the  fell  to  be  milked,  kind  Mrs.  Kidwell 
opened  the  door  and  out  popped  puss,  as  fresh  and  lively  as  ever  ; 
making  for  her  old  haunte,  where  she  was  again  to  be  found  at  the 
end  of  a  week. 


ASK    MAMMA,  171 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 

THE   PRINGLE   CORRESPONDENCE. 

The  reader  will  perhaps  wonder  what  our  fair  friend  Mrs. 
Pringle  is  about,  and  how  there  happens  to  be  no  tidings  from 
Curtain  Crescent.  Tidings  there  were,  only  the  Tantivy  Castle 
■ervants  were  'so  oppressed  with  work  that  they  could  never  find 
time  to  redirect  her  effusions.  At  length  Mr.  Beverage,  the 
butler,  seeing  the  accumulation  of  letters  in  Mr,  Packwood,  the 
house-steward's  room,  suggested  that  they  might  perhaps  be 
wanted,  whereupon  Mr.  Packwood  huddled  them  into  a  fresh 
envelope,  and  sent  them  to  the  post  along  with  the  general  con- 
signment from  the  Castle.  Very  pressing  and  urgent  the  letters 
were,  increasing  in  anxiety  with  each  one,  as  no  answer  had  been 
received  to  its  predecessor.  Were  it  not  that  Mrs.  Pringle  knew 
the  Earl  would  have  written,  she  would  have  feared  her  Billy  had 
sustained  some  hunting  calamity.  The  first  letter  merely  related 
how  Mrs.  Pringle  had  gone  to  uncle  Jerry's  according  to  appoint- 
ment to  have  a  field-day  among  the  papers,  and  how  Jerry  had 
gone  to  attend  an  anti-Sunday-band  meeting,  leaving  seed-cake, 
and  sponge-cake,  and  wine,  with  a  very  affectionate  three-cornered 
note,  saying  how  deeply  he  deplored  the  necessity,  but  how  he 
hoped  to  remedy  the  delay  by  another  and  an  early  appointment. 
This  letter  enclosed  a  very  handsome  large  coat-of-arms  seal,  made 
entirely  out  of  Mrs.  Pringle's  own  head — containing  what  the 
heralds  call  assumptive  arms — divided  into  as  many  compart- 
ments as  a  backgammon  board,  which  siie  advised  Billy  to  use 
judiciously,  hinting  that  Major  H.  (meaning  our  friend  Major  Y.) 
would  be  a  fitter  person  to  try  it  upon  than  Lord  L.  The  next 
letter,  among  many  other  things  of  minor  importance,  reminded 
Billy  that  he  had  not  told  his  Mamma  what  Mrs.  Moffatt  had  on, 
or  whether  they  had  any  new  dishes  for  dinner,  and  urging  him  to 
writ^  her  full  particulars,  but  to  be  careful  not  to  leave  either  his 
or  her  letters  lying  about,  and  hoping  that  he  emptied  his  pockets 
every  night  instead  of  leaving  that  for  Rougier  to  do,  and  giving 
him  much  other  good  and  wholesome  advice.  The  third  letter 
was  merely  to  remind  him  that  she  had  not  heard  from  him  in 
answer  to  either  of  her  other  two,  and  begging  him  just  to  drop 
her  a  single  line  by  return  of  post,  saying  he  was  well,  and  so  on. 
The  next  was  larger,  enclosing  him  a  double-crest  seal,  containing 
a  lion  on  a  cap  of  dignity,  and  an  eagle,  for  sealing  notes  in  aid 
of  the  great  tseal,  and  saying  that  she  had  had  a  letter  from  uncle 


171  ASK    MA  Mil  A, 

Jerry,  upbraiding  her  for  not  keeping  her  appointment  with  him, 
whereas  she  had  never  made  any,  lie  having  promised  to  make  one 
with  her,  and  again  urging  Billy  to  write  to  her,  if  only  a  single 
line,  and  when  he  had  time  to  send  her  a  full  account  of  what 
Mrs.  Moffatt  had  on  every  day,  and  whether  they  had  any  new 
dishes  for  dinner,  and  all  the  news,  sporting  and  otherwise,  lu-ging 
him  as  before  to  take  care  of  Dowb  (meaning  himself),  and  hoping 
he  was  improving  in  his  hunting,  able  to  sit  at  the  jumps,  and 
enjoying  himself  generally. 

The  fifth,  which  caused  the  rest  to  come,  was  a  mere  repetition 
of  her  anxieties  and  requests  for  a  line,  and  immediately  produced 
the  following  letter  : — 

MB.    WILLIAM    TO    HIS    MAMMA. 

"Yammerton  Grangb. 

"My  deakest  Mamma, 

"  Your  letters  have  all  reached  me  at  once,  for  though  both 
Rougier  and  I  especially  charged  the  hutler  and  another  fine  felloiv, 
and  gave  them  heads  to  put  on,  to  send  all  that  came  immediately, 
they  seem  to  have  ivailcd  for  an  accumulation  so  as  to  maJce  one 
sending  do.     It  is  very  idle  of  them. 

"  The  seals  are  beautiful,  and  I  am  very  much  obliged  to  you  for 
them.  I  will  seal  this  letter  with  the  large  one  by  way  of  a 
beginning.  It  seems  to  be  uncomynonig  well  quartered — quite  noble. 
I  will  now  tell  you  all  my  movements. 

"  /  liave  been  here  at  Major  YammertoJi's, — 7iot  Hammerton^s  as 
you  called  him — for  some  days  enjoying  myself  amazingly,  for  the 
Major  has  a  nice  pack  of  harriers  tluit  go  along  leisurelg,  instead  of 
tearing  away  at  the  unconscionable  pace  the  Earl's  do.  Still,  a 
canter  in  the  ParTc  at  high  tide  in  my  opinion  is  a  much  better 
thing  with  plenty  of  ladies  looking  on.  Talidng  of  cantering 
reminds  me  Tve  bought  a  horse  of  the  Major's, — bought  him  all 
except  paying  for  him,  so  you  had  better  send  me  the  money,  one 
hundred  guineas;  for  though  the  Major  says  I  may  pay  for  him 
ivhen  I  like,  and  seems  quite  easy  about  it,  they  say  horses  are 
always  ready  money,  so  I  suppose  I  must  conform  to  the  rule.  ft 
is  a  beautiful  bay  with  four  black  legs,  and  a  splendid  mane  and 
tail — very  blood-like  and  racing ;  indeed  the  Major  says  if  I  teas  to 
put  him  into  some  of  the  spri?ig  handicaps  I  should  be  sure  to  win  a 
hatful  of  money  with  him,  or  perhaps  a  gold  cup  or  tivo.  The  Major 
is  a  great  sportsman  and  has  kept  hounds  for  a  great  number  of 
years,  and  altogether  he  is  very  agreeable,  and  I  feel  nwre  at  home 
her$  than  J  did  at  the  Castle,  where,  though  everything  was  very 


ASK    MAMMA.  173 

fine,  still  there  tms  no  fun  and  only  Mrs.  Moffait  to  talk  to,  at  least 
in  the  lady  way,  for  though  she  always  professed  to  he  ex^jecting  lady 
callers,  none  ever  came  that  I  saw  or  heard  of. 

"  I  really  forget  all  about  the  dinners  there,  except  that  they  ivere 
very  good  a?id  lasted  a  long  time.  We  had  a  new  dish  here  the  other 
night,  which  if  you  want  a  novelty,  -you  can  introduce,  namely,  to 
flavour  the  plates  with  castor  oil ;  you  ivillfind  it  a  very  serviceable 
one  for  saving  your  meat,  as  nobody  can  eat  it.  Mrs.  Moffatt  ivas 
splendidly  dressed  every  day,  sometimes  in  blue,  sometimes  in  pink, 
sometimes  in  green,  sometimes  in  silk,  sometimes  in  satin,  sometimes 
in  velvet  tvith  a  profusion  of  very  lovely  lace  and  magnificent  jewelry. 
Rougier  says,  '  she  makes  de  My  vile  the  son  does  shine.^ 

"  /  doyiH  know  how  long  I  shall  stay  here,  certainly  over  Friday, 
and  most  likely  xmtil  Monday,  after  which  I  suppose  I  shall  go  back 
to  the  Castle.  The  Major  says  I  must  have  another  day  with  his 
hounds,  and  J  don't  care  if  I  do,  provided  he  keeps  in  the  hills  and 
away  from  the  jumps,  as  I  ran  manage  the  galloping  well  enough. 
It's  the  jerks  that  send  me  out  of  my  saddle.  A  hare  is  quite  a 
different  a?iimal  to  pursue  to  a  fox,  and  seems  to  have  some  sort  of 
consideration  for  its  followers.  She  stops  short  every  novj  and  then 
and  jumps  vp  in  view,  instead  of  tearing  away  like  an  express  train 
on  a  railway. 

"  The  girls  here  are  very  jrretty — Miss  Yammerto7i  extremely  so, 
— fair,  with  beautiful  blue  eyes,  and  such  a  figure ;  but  Rougier 
says  they  are  desperately  had-tempered,  except  the  youngest  one,  tvho 
is  dark  and  like  her  Mamma  ;  but  f  shoiddn't  say  Monsieur  is  a 
particular  sweet-tempered  gentleman  himself.  He  is  ahvays 
grwnbliug  and  growling  about  what  he  calls  his  ^grob,''  and 
declares  the  Major  keeps  his  house  on  sturdied  mutton  and  stale 
beer.  But  he  complained  at  the  Castle  that  there  was  nothing  but 
port  and  sherry,  and  composite  candles  to  go  to  bed  tvith,  which 
he  declared  was  an  insult  to  his  station,  which  entitles  him  to 
wax. 

"  You  can't  think  liow  funny  and  small  this  place  looked  after 
the  Castle.  It  seemed  just  as  if  I  had  got  into  a  series  of  closets 
instead  of  rooms.  However,  J  soon  got  used  to  it,  and  like  it 
amazingly.  But  hrre  comes  Monsieur  with  my  dressing  things,  so 
I  mu.'^t  out  with  the  great  .sral  and  bid  you  good  la/r  far  the  present, 
for  the  Major  is  a  sir  oVIork  man,  and  doesuH  like  lo  be  kept  waitin;/ 
for  his  dinner,  so  n<n/\  my  dearest  Mamma,  believe  me  to  remain 
ever  your  most  truly  affertioimte  son, 

"Wm.  Prixgle." 


174  ASK   MAMMA. 

To  which  we  need  scarcely  say  the  delighted  Mrs.  I*ringld 
replied  by  return  of  post,  writing  in  the  following  loving  and 
judicious  strain. 

♦'  25,  Curtain  Cbescent, 

"  Belgeave  Sqtjabb. 

"  My  own  Beloved  Darling, 

"  /  tvas  so  overjoyed  you  can't  imagine,  to  receive  your  most 
welcome  letter,  for  I  really  began  to  be  uneasy  about  you,  not  that  I 
feared  any  accident  out  hunting,  but  I  was  afraid  you  might  have 
caught  cold  or  be  otherwise  unwell — mind,  if  ever  you  feel  in  the 
slightest  degree  indisposed  send  for  the  doctor  immediately.  There 
is  nothing  like  taking  things  in  time.  It  was  very  idle  of  the 
servants  at  Tantivy  Castle  to  neglect  your  instructions  so,  but  for 
the  future  you  had  better  always  tvrite  a  line  to  the  post-master  of 
the  place  where  you  are  staying,  giving  him  your  next  address  to 
forward  your  letters  to ;  for  it  is  the  ivork  for  ivhich  they  are  paid, 
and  there  is  no  shuffling  it  off  on  to  anybody  else's  shoulders.  The 
greatest  people  are  oftentimes  the  ivorst  served,  not  because  the 
serva7its  have  any  particular  objection  to  them  personally — but 
because  they  are  so  desperately  afraid  of  being  ivhat  they  call  put 
upon  by  each  other,  that  they  spend  double  the  time  in  fighting  off 
doing  a  thing  that  it  would  take  to  do  it.  This  is  one  of  the 
drawbacks  upon  rank.  Noblemen  must  keep  a  great  staff  of  people, 
ivhom  in  a  general  way  they  cannot  employ,  and  who  do  nothing  but 
squabble  and  fight  tvith  each  other  who  is  to  do  the  little  there  is, 
the  greatest  man  among  servants  being  he  who  docs  the  least. 
However,  as  you  have  got  the  letters  at  last  tve  will  say  no  more 
about  it. 

"  /  hope  your  horse  is  handsome,  and  neighs  and  paws  the  ground 
-prettily ;  you  should  be  careful.,  however,  in  buying,  for  feiv  people 
are  magnanimous  enough  to  resist  cheating  a  yowig.man  in  horses ; 
— still,  I  am  glad  you  have  bought  one  if  he  suits  you,  as  it  is  much 
better  afid  pleasanter  to  ride  your  oivn  horse  than  be  indebted  to 
other  people  for  mounts.  Nevertheless,  I  would  strongly  advise  you 
to  stick  to  either  the  fox  or  the  stag,  ivith  either  of  which  you  cun 
sport  pink  and  look  smart.  Harriers  are  only  for  boitle-7iosed  old 
gentlemen  ivith  gouty  shoes.  I  canH  help  thinking,  that  a  day  with 
a  milder,  more  reasonable  fox  than  the  ones  you  had  with  Lord 
Ladythorne,  would  convince  you  of  the  superiority  of  fox-hounds 
over  harriers.  I  was  asking  Mr.  Ralph  Rasper,  who  called  here 
the  other  day,  how  little  Tom  Stott  of  the  Albany  managed  with  the 
Queen's,  and  he  said  Tom  always  shoes  his  horses  with  country 
tails,  and  consequently  throws  a  shoe  before  lie  has  gone  three  fields, 


ASK    MAMMA.  175 

which  enables  him  to  pull  up  and  lament  his  ill  luck.  He  then  gets 
it  put  on,  and  has  a  glorious  ride  home  in  red — landing  at  the 
Piccadilly  end  of  the  Albany  about  dusk.  He  then  goes  down  to  the 
Acacia  or  some  other  Club,  and  having  ordered  his  dinner,  retires  to 
one  of  the  dressing-rooms  to  cha^ige — having  had,  to  his  mind,  a 
delightful  day. 

"  Beware  of  the  girls  ! — There^s  nothing  so  dangerous  as  a  young 
man  staying  in  a  country  house  tvith  pretty  girls.  He  is  sure  to 
fall  in  love  tvith  one  or  other  of  them  imperceptibly,  or  one  or  other 
of  them  is  sure  to  fall  in  love  with  him ;  and  then  ivhen  at  letigth 
he  leaves,  there  is  sure  to  be  a  little  scene  arranged,  Miss  with  her 
red  eye-lids  and  lace  fringed  kerchief  Mamma  tvith  her  stnirks  and 
smiles,  and  hopes  that  he'll  '  soon  return,^  and  so  on.  There  are 
more  matches  made  up  in  country  houses  iha?i  in  all  the  west-end 
London  ones  put  together, — indeed,  London  is  always  allowed  to  be 
only  the  cover  for  finding  the  game  in,  and  the  country  tfm  place  for 
running  it  down.  Just  as  you  find  your  fox  in  a  tvoodandrun  him 
doicn  in  the  open.     Be  careful  therefore  what  you  are  about. 

"  It  is  much  easier  to  get  entangled  with  a  girl  than  to  get  free 
again,  for  though  they  will  always  offer  to  set  a  young  man  free, 
they  know  better  tJian  do  it,  unless,  indeed,  they  have  secured  some- 
thing better, — above  all,  never  consult  a  male  frimd  in  these 
matters. 

"  Th^  stupidest  woman  that  ever  was  born,  is  better  than  the 
cleverest  man  in  love-affairs.  In  fact,  no  man  is  a  match  for  a 
tvoman  until  he's  married, — not  all  even  then.  The  tvorst  of  young 
men  is,  they  never  know  their  worth  imtil  it  is  too  late — lliey  think 
the  girls  are  difficidt  to  catch,  whereas  there  is  nothing  so  easy, 
unless,  as  I  said  before,  the  girls  are  better  engaged.  Indeed,  a 
young  man  should  always  have  his  Mamma  at  his  elbow,  to  guard 
him  against  the  muchinatio^is  of  tliefair.  As,  hoivevcr,  that  cannot 
he,  let  me  urge  i/ou  to  he  cautious  what  you  arc  about,  and  as  you 
seem  to  have  plenty  of  choice,  DonH  be  more  attrnlire  to  one  sister 
than  to  another,  by  which  means  you  'will  escape  the  red  eye-lids, 
and  also  escape  having  Mamma  declaring  yuu  have  trifled  tvith 
Maria  or  Sophia's  feelings,  aud  all  the  old  icome^i  of  the  neighbour- 
hood denouncing  your  conduct  and  making  up  to  you  themselves  for 
one  of  their  own  girls.  Some  ladies  ask  a  man's  intentions  before  he 
is  icell  aware  that  he  has  any  himself  but  these  are  the  sjwil-sport 
order  of  u:omen.  Most  of  them  are  pnalent  enough  to  get  a  man  well 
fwohcd  before  they  hand  him  over  to  Papa.  It  is  gcnerallg  a  case 
of  'Ask  Mamma'  first.  Beware  of  brothers! — /  have  knoivn 
undoubted  heii-esses  crumpled  up  into  nothing   by  tfce  appearance 


176  ASK    MAMMA. 

(after  the  catch)  of  two  or  three  great  heavy  dragooners.     Rougiet 
will  find  all  that  out  for  you. 

"  Be  cautious  too  about  letter -urriting.  There  is  no  real  privacy 
about  love-letters,  any  more  than  there  is  about  the  flags  and  banners 
of  a  regiment,  though  they  occasionally  furl  and  cover  them  up. 
The  love  letters  are  a  woman's  flags  and  banners,  her  trophies  of 
success,  and  the  more  flowery  they  are,  the  more  likely  to  be  showji, 
and  to  aid  in  enlivening  a  Christmas  tea-party.  Then  the  girls' 
Mammas  read  them,  their  sisters  read  them,  their  maids  read  tJiem, 
afid  ultimately,  perhaps,  a  boisterous  energetic  barrister  reads  them 
to  an  exasperated  jury,  some  of  whose  daughters  may  have  suffered 
from  similar  effusions  themselves.  Altogether,  I  assure  you,  you 
are  on  very  ticklish  ground,  and  I  make  no  doubt  if  you  could 
ascertain  the  opinion  of  the  neighbourhood,  yoti  are  booked  for  one  or 
other  of  the  girls,  so  again  I  say,  my  dearest  hoy,  beware  what  you 
are  about,  for  it  is  much  easier  to  get  fast  than  to  get  free  again ; — 
get  a  lady  of  rank,  and  not  iJie  daughter  of  a  little  scrubby  squire  ; 
and  ivhatever  you  do,  don't  leave  this  letter  lying  about,  and  mind, 
empty  your  pockets  at  nights,  and  don't  leave  it  for  Rougier  to 
find. 

"Now,  about  your  nwvements.  I  think  I  wouldn't  go  back  to 
Lord  L.'s  unless  he  asks  you,  or  unless  he  named  a  specific  day  for 
your  doing  so  when  you  came  away.  Mere  general  invitations  mean 
nothing ;  they  are  only  the  small  coin  of  good  society.  '  Sorry  you're 
going.  Hope  we  shall  soon  meet  again.  Hope  ice  shall  have  the 
pleasure  of  seeing  you  to  dinner  some  day,'  is  a  very  common  mean- 
n  0  thing  form  of  po  liteness. 

"  Indeed,  I  question  that  your  going  to  a  master  of  harriers  from 
I'aniivy  Castle  ivould  be  any  great  recommendation  to  his  Lordship  ■ 
for  masters  of  foxhounds  and  masters  of  harriers  are  generally  ai 
variance.  Altogether,  J  think  I  would  pause  and  consider  before 
you  decided  on  returning.  I  would  not  talk  much  about  his 
Lordship  ivhere  you  now  are,  as  it  woidd  look  as  if  you  were  not 
accustomed  to  great  people.  You'll  find  plenty  of  friends  ready  to 
bring  him  in  for  you,  just  as  Mr.  Handycock  brings  in  Lord 
Privilege  in  Peter  Simple.  We  all  like  tallcing  of  li'lcs.  Remember, 
all  noblemen  under  (he  rank  of  dukes  are  lords  in  common  conversa- 
tion.    JNo  earls  or  marquises  then. 

"■  It  just  occurs  to  me,  that  as  you  are  in  t/ie  neighbourlwod,  you 
might  take  advanlage  of  the  opportunity  for  paying  a  visit  to 
Yawning  ton  Hot  Wells,  where  you  will  find  a  great  deal  of  good 
society  assembled  at  this  time  of  year,  and  wliere  you  might  pick  up 
some  useful  and  desirable  acquaintances.      Oo  to  the  best  hotel 


Af^K     MAMMA.  17? 

tcmki'iir  it  is,  and  put  Rougier  on  hoard  wages,  which  will  get  rid 
of  /tin  grumbling.  It  is  impertinent,  no  doubt,  but  still  it  carries 
toeight  in  a  certain  quarter. 

"  As  you  have  got  a  hunting  horse^  you  will  want  a  groom,  and 
should  try  to  get  a  nice-looking  one.  He  should  not  be  knocJcnee^d ; 
on  the  contrary,  bow-legged, — ths  sort  of  legs  that  a  pig  can  pop 
through.  Look  an  ajypUcant  over  first,  and  if  his  appearance  is 
against  him,  just  put  him  off  quietly  by  taking  his  7iame  and  address, 
and  sag  that  there  are  one  or  tivo  before  him,  and  that  you  tvill  tvrite 
to  him  if  you  are  likely  to  require  his  services. 

"  You  will  soon  have  plenty  to  choose  from,  but  it  is  hard  to  say 
whethei-  the  tricks  of  the  toivji  ones,  or  the  gaucheries  of  the  country 
ones  are  most  objectioruible.  The  latter  never  put  on  their  boots  and 
upper  things  properly.  A  slangy,  slovenly-looking  felloiv  should  be 
especially  avoided.  Also  meji  ivith  great  shock  heads  of  hair.  If 
they  can't  trim  themselves,  there  tvill  not  be  much  chance  of  their 
trimming  their  horses.  In  short,  I  believe  a  groom — a  man  ivho 
reallg  knows  aiid  cares  amjthing  about  horses — is  a  very  difficult 
person  to  get.  There  are  plenty  wlw  can  hiss  and  fuss,  and  be  busy 
upon  nothing,  but  very  few  ivho  can  both  dress  a  horse,  and  dress 
themselves. 

"  /  krwiv  Lord  Ladythorne  makes  it  a  rule  nev&r  to  take  one  ivho 
has  been  brought  up  in  the  racing -stable,  for  he  says  they  are  all 
hurry  and  gallop,  and  for  putting  two  hours'  exercise  into  one. 
Whatever  you  do,  don't  take  one  ivithout  a  character,  for  however 
people  may  gloss  over  their  late  servant's  faults  and  imperfections, 
and  however  abject  and  penitent  the  applicants  may  appear,  rely 
upon  it,  nature  will  out,  and  as  soon  as  ever  they  get  up  their  coti- 
ditlon,  as  they  call  it,  or  are  installed  into  their  new  clothes,  they 
begin  to  take  liberties,  and  ultlnmlely  relapse  into  their  old  drunken 
dissolute  hah  Us.  It  is  fortunate  for  the  ivorld  that  most  of  them 
carry  their  characters  in  their  faces.  Besides,  it  isn't  fair  tv 
respectable  servants  to  bring  them  iii  contact  with  these  sort  of 
projligates, 

"  Whatever  you  do,  don't  let  him  find  his  oivn  clothes.  There  isn't 
one  in  twenty  who  can  be  trusted  to  do  so,  and  nothing  looks  uvrse 
than  the  Jutlf-Uvery,  half-plain,  icholly  shabby  clothes  some  of  them 
adopt. 

"  It  is  wonderful  what  things  the//  will  vote  good  if  they  have  to 
find  others  themselvei',  thiyigs  that  they  would  declare  were  nol  fit 
to  pul  on,  and  they  couhlnt  be  seen  in  if  master  supplied  them.  Tin 
best  of  every  thing  then  i-.  only  good  enough  Jor  them. 


178  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  Some  of  them  ivill  grumble  and  growl  whatever  you  give  thnn ; 
declare  this  man's  cloth  is  had,  and  another's  hoots  inferior,  and 
recommend  you  to  go  to  Mr.  Somehody  else,  who  Mr.  This,  or 
Captain  TJiat,  employs,  Mr.  This,  or  Captain  That,  having,  in  all 
probability,  been  recommended  to  this  Mr.  Somehody  by  some  other 
servant.  The  same  ivith  the  saddlers  and  tradespeople  generally. 
If  you  employ  a  saddler  who  does  not  tip  them,  there  will  he  nothing 
had  enough  for  his  workmanship,  or  they  will  declare  fie  does  not  do 
that  sort  of  worJc,  only  farmer's  ivork — cart-trappings,  and  such  like 
things. 

"  2'he  remedy  for  this  is  to  pay  your  own  hills,  and  give  the 
servants  to  understand  at  starting  that  you  meayi  to  be  master.  They 
are  to  be  had  on  your  own  terms,  if  you  only  begin  as  you  mean  to 
go  on.  If  the  worst  comes  to  the  worst,  a  month's  notice,  or  a 
month's  pay,  settles  all  differences,  and  it  is  no  use  keeping  and 
paying  a  servant  that  doesn't  suit  you.  Perhaps  you  ivill  thinl 
Rougier  trouble  enough,  but  he  would  be  highly  offended  if  you  were 
to  ask  him  to  valet  a  horse.  I  will  try  if  I  can  hear  of  a?iything 
likely  to  suit  you,  but  the  old  saying, "  who  shall  counsel  a  man  in  the 
choice  of  a  w(fe,  or  a  horse,'  applies  with  equal  force  to  grooms. 

"  And  now,  my  own  dearest  boy,  having  given  you  all  the  advice 
and  assistance  in  my  power,  I  will  conclude  by  repeating  tvhat  joy 
the  arrival  of  your  letter  occasioned  me,  and  also  my  advice  to  beware 
of  ths  girls,  and  request  that  you  ivill  not  leave  this  letter  iji  your 
pocket fi,  or  lying  about,  by  signing  myself  ever,  my  own  dearest  son, 
your  most  truly  loving  and  affectionate  Mamma, 

"  Emma   Pringle. 

"  pg^ — 7  ivill  enclose  the  halves  of  two  fifty-pound  notes  for  ths 
horse,  the  receipt  of  which  please  to  acknowledge  by  return  of  post, 
ivhen  I  will  send  the  other  halves. 

"  P^, — Mind  the  red  eyelids  !     There's  nothing  so  infecHousJ" 


CHAPTER  XXVn. 

SIR   MOSES   MAINCHANCB. 


Our  friend  Billy,  as  the  foregoing  letter  shows,  was  now  very 
comfortably  installed  in  his  quarters,  and  his  presence  brought 
sundry  visitors,  as  well  to  pay  their  respects  to  him  and  the 
^mily,  as  to  see  how  matters  were  progressing. 


ASK    MAMMA.  17V 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Rocket  Larkspur,  Mrs.  Blurkins,  and  Mrs. 
Dotherington,  also  Mi's.  Crickleton  came  after  their  custor-oi) 
entertainment,  and  Mrs.  and  Miss  Wasperton,  accompanied  by 
their  stiff"  friend  Miss  Freezer,  who  had  the  reputation  of  being 
very  satirical.  Then  there  were  Mr.  Tight  and  Miss  Neate, 
chaperoned  by  fat  Mrs.  Plumberry,  of  Hollingdale  Lodge,  and 
several  othei-s.  In  fact  Billy  had  created  a  sensation  in  the 
country,  such  godsends  as  a  London  dandy  not  being  of  every-day 
occurrence  in  the  country,  and  everybody  wanted  to  see  the  great 
"catch."  How  they  magnified  him  !  His  own  mother  wouldn't 
have  known  him  under  the  garbs  he  assumed  ;  now  a  Lord's  son, 
now  a  Baronet's,  now  the  Richest  Commoner  in  England  ;  with, 
oh  glorious  recommendation  !  no  Papa  to  consult  in  the  matter  of 
a  wife.  Some  said  not  even  a  Mamma,  but  there  the  reader  knows 
they  were  wrong.  In  proportion  as  they  lauded  Billy  they  decrvl 
Mrs.  Yammerton  ;  she  was  a  nasty,  cunning,  designing  woman, 
always  looking  after  somebody. 

Mrs.  Wasperton,  alluding  to  Billy's  age,  declared  that  it  was 
just  like  kidnapping  a  child,  and  she  inwardly  congratulated 
herself  that  she  had  never  been  guilty  of  such  meanness.  Billy, 
on  his  part,  was  airified  and  gay,  showing  off"  to  the  greatest 
advantage,  perfectly  unconscious  that  he  was  the  observed  of  all 
observers.  Like  Mrs.  ]\IofFatt  he  never  had  the  same  dress  on 
twice,  and  was  splendid  in  his  jewelry. 

Among  the  carriage  company  who  came  to  greet  him  was  the 
sporting  Baronet,  Sir  Moses  Mainchance,  whose  existence  we  have 
already  indicated,  being  the  same  generous  gentleman  that  pre- 
sented Major  Yammerton  with  a  horse,  and  then  made  him  pay 
for  it. 

Sir  Moses  had  heard  of  Billy's  opulence,  and  being  a  man  of 
great  versatility,  he  saw  no  reason  why  he  should  not  endeavour  to 
partake  of  it.  He  now  came  grinding  up  in  his  dog  cart,  with 
his  tawdry  cockaded  groom  (for  he  was  a  Deputy-Lieutenant  of 
llit-im  and  Holt-im  shire),  to  lay  the  ibundatiou  of  an  invitation, 
and  was  received  with  the  usual  wow,  wow,  wow,  wow,  of  Fury, 
the  terrier,  and  the  coat  shuffling  of  the  Bumbler. 

If  the  late  handsome  Recorder  of  London  had  to  present  this 
ugly  old  tile  to  the  Judges  as  one  of  the  Sherilfs  of  liOndou  and 
Middlesex,  he  would  most  likely  introduce  him  in  such  terms  as 
the  following  : — 

"  My  Lords,  1  have  the  honour  to  present  to  your  Lordships' 
(hem)  notice  Sir  Moses  Mainchance,  (cough)  Baronet,  and  (hem) 
foxhunter,  who  has  been  unanimously  chosen  by  the  (hem)  livery 
of  London  to  fill  the  high  and  important  (cough)  office  of 
Sheriff'  of  that  ancient  and  opulent  city.     My  Lords,  Si^-  Moses, 

0  2 


180  ^-s-k:  mamma. 

as  his  name  indicates,  is  of  Jewish  origin.  His  great-gi-andfather, 
Mr.  Moses  Levy,  I  believe  dealt  in  complicated  penknives,  dog- 
collars,  and  street  sponges.  His  grandfather,  more  ambitious, 
enlarged  his  sphere  of  action,  and  embarked  in  the  old-clothes 
line.  He  had  a  very  extensive  shop  in  the  Minories,  and  dealt  in 
rhubarb  and  gum  arabic  as  well.  He  married  a  lady  of  the  name 
of  Smith,  not  an  uncommon  one  in  this  country,  who  inheriting  a 
large  fortune  from  her  uncle,  Mr.  Mainchance,  Mr.  Moses  Levy 
embraced  Christianity,  and  dropping  the  name  of  Levy  became 
Mr.  Mainchance,  Mr.  Moses  Mainchanco,  the  founder  of  the 
present  most  important  and  distinguished  family.  His  son,  the 
Sheriff  elect's  father,  also  carried  on  the  business  in  the  Minorie&, 
adding  very  largely  to  his  already  abundant  wealth,  and  espousing 
a  lady  of  the  name  of  Brown. 

"  lu  addition  to  the  hereditary  trade  he  opened  a  curiosity  shop 
in  the  west  end  of  London,  where,  being  of  a  highly  benevolent 
disposition,  he  accommodated  young  gentlemen  whose  parents 
were  penurious, — unjustly  penurious  of  course, — with  such  sums 
of  money  as  their  stations  in  life  seemed  likely  to  enable  them  to 
re])a\'. 

"  Bat,  my  Lords,  the  usury  laws,  as  your  Lordships  will  doubt- 
less recollect,  being  then  in  full  operation,  to  the  great  detriment 
of  heirs-at-law,  Mr.  Mainchance,  feeling  for  the  difficulties  of  the 
young,  introduced  an  ingenious  mode  of  evading  them,  whereby 
some  article  of  vertu — generally  a  picture  or  something  of  that 
sort — was  taken  as  half,  or  perhaps  three-quarters  of  the  loan,  and 
having  passed  into  the  hands  of  the  borrower  was  again  returned 
to  Mr.  Mainchance  at  its  real  worth,  a  Carlo  Dolce,  or  a  Coal  Pit, 
as  your  Lordships  doubtless  know,  being  capable  of  representing 
any  given  sum  of  money.  This  gentleman,  my  Lords,  the  Sheriff 
elect's  father,  having  at  length  paid  the  debt  of  nature — the  only 
debt  I  believe  that  he  was  ever  slow  in  discharging  —  the  opulent 
gentleman  who  now  stands  at  my  side,  and  whom  I  have  the 
honour  of  presenting  to  the  Court,  was  enabled  through  one  of 
those  monetary  transactions  to  claim  the  services  of  a  dis- 
tinguished politician  now  no  more,  and  obtain  that  hereditary 
rank  which  he  so  greatly  adorns.  On  becoming  a  baronet  Sir 
Moses  Mainchance  withdrew  from  commercial  pursuits,  and  set  up 
for  a  gentleman,  purchasing  the  magnificent  estate  of  Pangburn 
Park,  in  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire,  of  which  county  he  is  a 
Deputy-Lieutenant,  getting  together  an  unrivalled  pack  of  fox- 
hounds— second  to  none  as  I  am  instructed — and  hunting  the 
country  with  great  circumspection  ;  and  he  requests  me  to  add, 
he  will  be  most  proud  and  happy  to  see  your  Lordships  to  take  a 
day  with  his  hounds  whenever  it  suits  you,  and  also  to  dine  with 


ASK    MAMMA. 


181 


him  this  evening  in  the  splendid  Guildhall  of  the  ancient  and 
renowned  City  of  London." 

The  foregoing  outline,  coupled  with  Sir  Moses'  treatment  of  the 
Major,  will  give  the  reader  some  idea  of  the  character  of  the 


''Air,     liniiK's   THK    DOri-CART,    YOU  SEE.* 


..-ntlcnian  wlm  im  v  snimhr  the  society  of  oui'  hero.  In  truth,  if 
n;ii!iiv  hiul  not  made  hini  the  meanest,  Sir  Closes  would  have  been 
tlic  most  liberal  <.l'  mankind,  for  his  life  was  a  continnnl  srrugglt' 
licrwccn  the  magniliecncL'  of  his  offci'S  and  the  penury  of  his  per- 
i'ji-niances.     lie  was  [)erpotua]ly  forcing  favours  upon  people,  and 


182  ASK    MAMMA. 

tlien  backing  out  when  he  saw  they  were  going  to  be  accepted. 
It  required  no  little  face  to  encounter  the  victim  of  such  a  recent 
"  do"  as  the  ]\rajor's,  but  Sir  Moses  was  not  to  be  foiled  when  he 
had  an  object  in  view.  Telling  his  groom  to  stay  at  the  door, 
and  asking  in  a  stentorian  voice  if  Mr.  Pringle  is  at  home,  so  that 
there  may  be  no  mistake  as  to  whom  he  is  calling  upon,  the 
Baronet  is  now  ushered  into  the  drawing  -  room,  where  the 
dandified  Billy  sits  in  all  the  dangerous  proximity  of  three  pretty 
girls  without  their  IMamma.  Mrs.  Yammerton  knew  when  to  be 
out.  "  Good  morning,  young  ladies  !  "  exclaims  Sir  Moses  gaily, 
greeting  them  all  round — "  Mr.  Pringle,"  continued  he,  turning 
to  Billy,  "  allow  me  to  introduce  myself — I  believe  I  have  the 
pleasure  of  addressing  a  nephew  of  my  excellent  old  friend  Sir 
Jonathan  Pringle,  and  I  shall  be  most  happy  if  I  can  contribute 
in  any  way  to  your  amusement  while  in  this  neighbourhood.  Tell 
me  now,"  continued  he,  without  w^aiting  for  Billy's  admission  or 
rejection  of  kindred  with  Sir  Jonathan,  "  tell  me  now,  when  you 
are  not  engaged  in  this  delightful  way,"  smiling  round  on  the 
beauties,  "  would  you  like  to  come  and  have  a  day  with  my 
hounds  ?  " 

Billy  shuddered  at  the  very  thouglit,  but  quickly  recovering  his 
equanimity,  he  replied,  "  Yarse,  he  should  like  it  very  much." 

"  Oh,  Mr.  Pringle's  a  mighty  hunter  ! "  exclaimed  Miss  Yam- 
merton, who  really  thought  he  was. — "Very  good!"  exclaimed 
Sir  Moses,  "  very  good  I  Then  I'll  tell  you  what  we'll  do.  AVe 
meet  on  Monday  at  the  Crooked  Billet  on  the  Bushmead  Road — 
Tuesday  at  Stubbington  Hill — Thursday,  "VVoolerton,  by  Heckfield 
— Saturday,  the  Kennels.  S'pose  now  you  come  to  me  on 
Sunday,  I  would  have  said  Saturday,  only  I'm  engaged  to  dine 
with  Lord  Oilcake,  but  you  wouldn't  mind  coming  over  on  a 
Sunday,  I  dare  say,  would  you?"  and  without  waiting  for  an 
answer  he  went  on  to  say,  "  Come  on  Sunday,  I'll  send  my  dog- 
cart for  you,  the  thing  I  have  at  the  door,  we'll  then  hum 
Monday  and  Tuesday,  dine  at  the  Club  at  Hinton  on  Wednesday, 
where  we  always  have  a  capital  dinner,  and  a  party  of  excellent 
fellows,  good  singing  and  all  sorts  of  fun,  and  take  Thursday  at 
Woolerton,  in  your  way  home — draw  Shawley  ]\Ios8,  the  Withy 
beds  at  Langton,  Tangleton  Brake,  and  so  on,  but  sure  to  find 
before  we  get  to  the  Brake,  for  there  were  swarms  of  foxes  on  the 
moss  the  last  time  we  were  there,  and  capital  good  ones  they  are. 
Dom'd  if  they  aren't.  So  now  I  think  you  couldn't  be  betier 
suited  :  the  same  horse  you  ride  ]\ronday  will  come  out  on 
Thursday,  and  I'll  have  a  two-stalled  stable  ready  for  you  on 
Sunday,  so  that's  a  bargain — ay,  young  ladies,  isn't  it  ?  "  appeal- 
ing to  our   fair  friends.     And  now   fine   Billy,   who   had   been 


ASK    MAMMA.  183 

anxiously  waiting  to  get  a  word  in  sideways  while  all  this  dread 
enjoyment  was  paraded,  proceeded  to  make  a  vigorous  effort  to 
deliver  himself  from  it.  He  was  very  much  obliged  to  this  un- 
known friend  of  his  unknown  uncle,  Sir  Jonathan,  but  he  had 
only  one  horse,  and  was  afraid  he  must  decline.  "  Only  one 
horse  !  "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  "  only  one  horse  !  "  who  had  heard 
he  had  ten,  "  ah,  well,  never  mind,"  thinking  he  would  sell  him 
one.  "  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do,  I'll  mount  you  on  the  Tuesday — 
I'll  mount  you  on  the  Tuesday — dom'd  if  I  won't — and  that'll 
make  it  all  right — and  that'll  make  all  right."  So  extending  hia 
hand  he  said,  "  Come  on  Sunday  then,  come  on  Sunday,"  and, 
bowing  round  to  the  ladies,  he  backed  out  of  the  room  lest  his 
friend  the  Major  might  appear  and  open  his  grievance  about  the 
horse.  Billy  then  accompanied  him  to  the  door,  where  Sir  IMoses, 
pointing  to  the  gaudy  vehicle,  said,  "  Ah,  there's  the  dog-cart  you 
see,  there's  the  dog-cart,  much  at  your  service,  much  at  your 
service,"  adding,  as  he  placed  his  foot  upon  the  step  to  ascend, 
"  Our  friend  the  Major  here  I  make  no  doubt  will  lend  you  a 
horse  to  put  in  it,  and  between  ourselves,"  concluded  he  in  a 
lower  tone,  "you  may  as  well  try  if  you  can't  get  him  to  lend  you 
a  second  horse  to  bring  with  you."  So  saying.  Sir  Moses  again 
shook  hands  most  fervently  with  his  young  friend,  the  nephew  of 
Sir  Jonathan,  and  mounting  the  vehicle  soused  down  in  his  seat 
and  drove  off  with  the  air  of  a  Jew  bailiff  in  his  Sunday  best. 

Of  course,  when  Billy  returned  to  the  drawing-room  the  young 
ladies  were  busy  discussing  the  Baronet,  aided  by  j\Iamma,  who 
had  gone  up  stairs  on  the  sound  of  wheels  to  reconnoitre  her 
person,  and  was  disappointed  on  coming  down  to  find  she  had  had 
her  trouble  for  nothing. 

If  Sir  Moses  had  been  a  married  man  instead  of  a  widower, 
without  incumbrance  as  the  saying  is,  fine  Billy  would  have  been 
more  likely  to  have  heard  the  truth  respecting  him,  than  he  was 
as  matters  stood.  As  it  was,  the  ladies  had  always  run  Sir  ]\loses 
up,  and  did  not  depart  from  that  course  on  the  present  occasion. 
Iklrs.  Yammerton,  indeed,  always  said  that  he  looked  a  great  deal 
older  than  he  really  was,  and  had  no  objection  to  his  being  talked 
of  for  one  of  her  daughters,  and  as  courtships  generally  go  by 
contraries,  the  fair  lady  of  the  glove  with  her  light  sunny  hair, 
and  lambent  blue  eyes,  rather  admired  Sir  Moses'  hook-nose  and 
clear  olive  complexion  than  otherwise.  His  jewelry,  too,  had  always 
delighted  her,  for  he  had  a  stock  equal  to  that  of  any  retired 
pawnbroker.  So  they  impressed  Billy  very  favourably  with  tVie 
Baronet's  pretensions,  far  more  favourably  the  reader  may  be 
sure  than  the  Recorder  did  the  Barons  of  the  Court  of  Exchequei 


184  ASK    MA3IMA. 


CHAPTER    XXVIII. 

THE   HIT-IM  AND   HOLD-IM   SHIRE   HOUNDS. 

Descending  Long  Benningborougli  Hill  on  the  approach  from 
the  west,  the  reader  enters  the  rich  vale  of  Hit-im  and  Hold-im 
shire,  rich  in  agricultural  productions,  lavish  of  rural  beauties, 
and  renowned  for  the  strength  and  speed  of  its  foxes. 

As  a  hunting  country  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  ranks  next  to 
Featherbedfordshirc,  and  has  always  been  hunted  by  men  of 
wealth  and  renown.  Tlie  great  Mr.  Bruiser  hunted  it  at  one 
lime,  and  was  succeeded  by  the  equally  great  Mr.  Customer,  who 
kept  it  for  upwards  of  twenty  years.  He  was  succeeded  by  !Mr. 
Charles  Crasher,  after  whom  came  the  emiucut  Lord  Martingal, 
who  most  materially  improved  its  even  then  almost  perfect 
features  by  the  judicious  planting  of  gorse  covers  on  the  eastern 
or  Droxmoor  side,  where  woodlands  are  deficient. 

It  was  during  Lord  Martingal's  reign  that  Hit-im  and  Hold-im 
shire  may  be  said  to  have  attained  the  zenith  of  its  fame,  for  he 
was  liberal  in  the  extreme,  not  receiving  a  farthing  subscription, 
and  maintaining  the  Club  at  the  Fox  and  Hounds  Hotel  at  Hinton 
with  the  greatest  spirit  and  popularity.  He  reigned  over  Hit-im 
and  Hold-im  shire  for  the  period  of  a  Cjuarter  of  a  century,  his 
retirement  being  at  length  caused  by  a  fall  from  his  horse, 
aggravated  by  distress  at  seeing  his  favourite  gorses  Rattle- 
ford  and  Chivington  cut  up  by  a  branch-line  of  the  Crumpletin 
railway. 

On  his  lordship'a  resignation,  the  country  underwent  the  degra- 
dation of  passing  into  the  hands  of  the  well-known  Captain 
Flasher,  a  gentleman  who,  instead  of  keeping  hounds,  as  Lord 
Martingal  had  done,  expected  the  hounds  to  keep  him.  To  this 
end  he  organised  a  subscription — a  difficult  thing  to  realise  even 
when  men  have  got  into  the  habit  of  paying,  or  perhaps  promising 
one — but  most  difficult  when,  as  in  this  case,  they  had  long  been 
accustomed  to  have  their  hunting  for  nothing.  It  is  then  that 
the  beauties  of  a  free  pack  are  apparent.  The  Captain,  however, 
nothing  daunted  by  the  difficulty,  applied  the  screw  most 
assiduously,  causing  many  gentlemen  to  find  out  that  they  were 
just  going  to  give  up  hunting,  and  others  that  they  must  go 
abroad  to  economise.  This  was  just  about  the  gloomy  time  that 
our  friend  the  Major  was  vacillating  between  Boulogne  and 
Bastille  ;  and  it  so  happened  that  Mr.  Plantagenet  Brown,  of 
Panghurn  Park,  whose  Norman-conauest  family  had  long  been 


ASK    MAMMA.  185 

pressing  on  the  \  itals  of  the  estate,  taking  all  out  and  putting 
nothing  in,  suddenly  found  themselves  at  the  end  of  their  tether. 
The  estate  had  collapsed.  Then  came  the  brief  summing-up  of  a 
long  career  of  improvidence  in  the  shape  of  an  auctioneer's 
advertisement,  offering  the  highly  valuable  freehold  property, 
comprising  about  two  thousand  five  hundred  acres  in  a  ring 
fence,  with  a  modern  mansion  replete  with  every  requisite  for 
a  nobleman  or  gentleman's  seat,  for  sale,  which,  of  course, 
brought  the  usual  train  of  visiturs,  valuers,  Paul-Pryers,  and 
so  on — some  lamenting  the  Betting,  others  speculating  on  the 
rising,  sun. 

At  the  sale,  a  most  repulsive,  poverty-stricken  looking  little  old 
Jew  kept  protrn,cting  the  biddings  when  everybody  else  seemed 
done,  in  such  a  way  as  to  cause  tlie  auctioneer  to  request  an 
imparlaiue,  in  order  that  he  might  ascertain  who  his  principal 
was  ;  when  the  Jew,  putting  his  dirty  hands  to  his  bearded 
mouth,  whispered  in  the  auctioneer's  ear,  "  Shir  Moshes  Main- 
chance,"  whereupon  the  languid  biddings  were  resumed,  and  the 
estate  was  ultimately  knocked  down  to  the  Baronet. 

Then  came  the  ceremony  of  taking  possession — the  carriage-and- 
four,  the  flags,  the  band  of  music,  the  triumphal  arch,  the  fervid 
addres-  and  heartfelt  reply,  amid  the  prolonged  cheers  of  the 
wretched  pauperised  tenantry. 

That  mark  of  respect  over,  let  us  return  to  the  hounds. 

Captain  Flasher  did  not  give  satisfaction,  which  indeed  was  not 
to  be  expected,  considering  that  he  wanted  a  subscription.  No 
man  would  have  given  satisfaction  under  the  circumstances,  but 
the  Captain  least  of  all,  because  he  brought  nothing  into  the  com- 
mon stock,  nothing,  at  least,  except  his  impudence,  of  which  the 
members  of  the  hunt  had  already  a  sufficient  supply  of  their  own. 
The  country  was  therefore  declared  vacant  at  the  end  of  the 
Captain's  second  season,  the  Guarantee  Committee  thinking  it 
best  to  buy  him  off  the  third  one,  for  which  he  had  contracted  to 
hunt  it.  This  was  just  about  the  time  that  Sir  Moses  purchased 
Pangburn  Park,  and,  of  course,  the  country  was  offered  to  him. 
A  passion  for  hunting  is  variously  distributed,  and  Sir  ]\losi>s 
had  his  share  of  it.  He  was  more  than  a  mere  follower  of  hounds, 
for  he  took  a  pleasure  in  their  working  and  management,  and  not 
knowing  much  about  the  cost,  he  jumped  at  the  oiler,  declaring 
he  didn't  want  a  farthing  subscription,  no,  not  a  farthing  :  He 
wouldn't  even  have  a  cover  fund — no,  not  even  a  cover  fund  ! 
He'd  pay  keepers,  stoppers,  damage,  everything  himself, — dom'd 
if  he  wouldn't.  Then  wlien  he  got  possession  of  the  country,  he 
declared  that  he  found  it  absolutely  indispensable  for  the  promo- 
tion of  sport,  and  the  good  of  them  all,  that  there  should  be  a 


186  Ai:iK    MAMMA. 

putting  together  of  purses — eveiy  man  ought  to  have  a  direct 
interest  in  the  preservation  of  foxes,  and,  therefore,  they  should 
all  pay  five  guineas, — just  five  guineas  a-year  to  a  cover  fund.  It 
wasn't  fair  that  he  should  pay  all  the  cost — dom'd  if  it  was.  He 
wouldn't  stand  it — dom'd  if  he  would. 

Then  the  next  season  he  declared  that  five  guineas  was  all 
moonshine — it  would  do  nothing  in  the  way  of  keeping  such  a 
country  as  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  together — it  must  be  ten 
guineas,  and  that  would  leave  a  great  balance  for  him  to  pay. 
Well,  ten  guineas  he  got,  and  emboldened  by  his  success,  at  the 
commencement  of  the  next  season  he  got  a  grand  gathering 
together,  at  a  hand-in-the-pocket  hunt  dinner  at  the  Fox  and 
Hounds  Hotel  at  Hinton,  to  which  he  presented  a  case  of  cham- 
pagne, when  his  health  being  drunk  with  suitable  enthusiasm,  he 
got  up  and  made  them  a  most  elaborate  speech  on  the  pleasures 
and  advantages  of  fox-hunting,  which  he  declared  was  like  meat, 
drink,  washing  and  lodging  to  him,  and  to  which  he  mainly 
attributed  the  very  excellent  health  which  they  had  just  been 
good  enough  to  wish  him  a  continuance  of  in  such  complimentary 
terms,  that  he  was  almost  overpowered  by  it.  He  was  glad  to  see 
that  he  was  not  a  monopoliser  of  the  inestimable  blessings  of 
health,  for,  looking  round  the  table,  he  thought  he  never  saw  such 
an  assemblage  of  cheerful  contented  countenances — (applause) — 
and  it  was  a  great  satisfaction  to  him  to  think  that  he  in  any  way 
contributed  to  make  them  so — (renewed  applause).  He  had  been 
thinking  since  he  came  into  the  room  whether  it  was  possible  to 
increase  in  any  way  the  general  stock  of  prosperity — (great 
applause) — and  considering  the  success  that  had  already  marked 
his  humble  endeavours,  he  really  thought  that  there  was  nothing 
like  sticking  to  the  same  medicine,  and,  if  possible,  increasing  the 
dose  ;  for — (the  conclusion  of  this  sentence  was  lost  in  the  general 
applause  that  followed).  Having  taken  an  inspiriting  sip  of  wine, 
he  thus  resumed,  "  He  now  hunted  the  country  three  days  a- 
week,"  he  said,  "  and,  thanks  to  their  generous  exertions,  and  the 
very  judicious  arrangement  they  had  spontaneously  made  of 
having  a  hunt  club,  he  really  thought  it  would  stand  four  days." 
— (Thunders  of  applause  followed  this  announcement,  causing  the 
glasses  and  biscuits  to  dance  jigs  on  the  table.  Sir  Moses  took  a 
prolonged  sip  of  wine,  and  silence  being  at  length  again  restored, 
he  thus  resumed)  : — "  It  had  always  stood  four  in  old  jMartingal's 
time,  and  why  shouldn't  it  do  so  in  theirs  ? — (applause).  Look 
at  its  extent !  Look  at  its  splendid  gorses  !  Look  at  its  magni- 
ficent woodlands !  He  really  thought  it  was  secoud  to  none  I  " 
And  so  the  company  seemed  to  think  too  by  the  cheering  that 
followed  the  announcement 


ASK    MAMMA.  187 

"Well  then,**  said  Sir  Moses,  drawing  breath  for  the  grand 
effort,  "  there  was  only  one  thing  to  be  considered — one  leeile 
difficulty  to  be  overcome — but  one,  which  after  tlie  experience 
he  had  had  of  their  gameness  and  liberality,  he  was  sure  they 
would  easily  surmount."  —  (A  murmur  of  "O-O-O's,"  with 
Hookey  Walkers,  and  fingers  to  the  nose,  gradually  following  the 
speaker.) 

"That  feetle  difficulty,  he  need  hardly  say,  was  their  old  familiar 
friend  £  s.  d.\  who  required  occasionally  to  be  looked  in  the  face." 
— (Ironical  laujijhter,  with  sotto  voce  exclamations  from  Jack  to 
Tom  and  from  Sam  to  Harry,  of — "  I  say  !  three  days  are  quite 
enough — quite  enough.  Don't  you  think  so  ?"  With  answers  of 
"  Plenty  !  plenty  ! "  mingled  with  whispers  of,  "  I  say,  this  is  what 
he  calls  hunting  the  country  for  nothing  !  " 

"  Well,  gentlemen,"  continued  Sir  Moses,  tapping  the  table  with 
his  presidential  hammer,  to  assert  his  monopoly  of  noise,  "  Well, 
gentlemen,  as  I  said  before,  I  have  no  doubt  we  can  overcome 
any  difficulty  in  the  matter  of  money — what's  the  use  of  money  if 
it's  not  to  enjoy  ourselves,  and  what  enjoyment  is  there  equal  to 
fox-hunting  ?  (applause).  None  !  none  !  "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses 
with  emphasis. 

*'  Well  then,  gentlemen,  what  I  was  going  to  say  was  this  :  It 
occurred  to  me  this  morning  as  I  was  shaving  myself " 

"  That  you  would  shave  us,"  muttered  Mr.  Paul  Straddler  to 
Hicks,  the  flying  hatter,  neither  of  whom  ever  subscribed. 

"  — It  occurred  to  me  this  morning,  as  I  was  shaving  myself, 
that  for  a  very  little  additional  outlay — say  four  hundred  a  year — 
and  what's  four  hundred  a-year  among  so  many  of  us  ?  we  might 
have  four  days  a-week,  which  is  a  great  deal  better  than  three  in 
many  respects,  inasmuch  as  you  have  two  distinct  lots  of  hounds, 
accustomed  to  hunt  together,  instead  of  a  jumble  for  one  day,  and 
both  men  and  horses  are  in  steadier  and  more  regular  work  ;  and 
as  to  foxes,  I  needn't  say  we  have  plenty  of  them,  and  that  thej" 
will  be  all  the  better  for  a  little  more  exercise. — (Applause  from 
Sir  Moses'  men,  j\Ir.  Smoothley  and  others).  Well,  then,  say  foui 
hundred  a-year,  or,  as  hay  and  corn  are  dear  and  likely  to  continue 
60,  suppose  we  put  it  at  the  worst,  and  call  it  five — five  hundred 
— what's  five  hundred  a-year  to  a  great  prosperous  agricultural 
and  commercial  countiy  like  this  ?  Nothing  !  A  positive  baga- 
telle !  I'd  be  ashamed  to  have  it  known  at  the  '  Corner '  that  we 
had  ever  haggled  about  such  a  sum." 

"  You  pay  it,  then,"  muttered  Mr.  Straddler. 

"  Catch  him  doing  that,"  growled  llicks. 

Sir  Moses  here  took  another  sip  of  sherry,  and  thuB 
resumed  : — 


188  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  Well,  now,  gentlemen,  as  I  said  before,  it  only  occurred  to  me 
this  morning  as  I  was  shaving,  or  I  would  have  been  better  pre- 
pared with  some  definite  proposal  for  your  consideration,  but  I've 
just  dotted  down  here,  on  the  back  of  one  of  Grove  the  fish- 
monger's cards  (producing  one  irom  his  waistcoat  pocket  as  he 
spoke),  the  names  of  those  who  I  think  ought  to  be  called  upon  to 
contribute  ; — and,  waiter  ! "  exclaimed  he,  addressing  one  of  the 
lanky-haired  order,  who  had  just  protruded  his  head  in  at  the  door 
to  see  what  all  the  eloquence  was  about,  "  if  you'll  give  me  one  of 
those  mutton  fats, — and  your  master  ought  to  be  kicked  for  pat- 
ting such  things  on  the  table,  and  you  may  tell  him  I  said  so, — I'll 
just  read  the  names  over  to  you."  Sir  ]\Ioses  adjusting  his  gold 
double  eye  glasses  on  his  hooked  nose  as  the  waiter  obeyed  his 
commands. 

"Well,  now,"  said  the  Baronet,  beginning  at  the  top  of  the  list, 
"  I've  put  young  Lord  Polkaton  down  for  fifty." 

"  But  my  Lord  doesn't  hunt,  Sir  Moses ! "  ejaculated  Mr. 
Mossman,  his  Lordship's  land-agent,  alarmed  at  the  demand  upon 
a  very  delicate  purse. 

"  Doesn't  hunt !  "  retorted  Sir  Moses  angrily.  "  No  ;  but  he 
might  if  he  liked  !  If  there  were  no  hounds,  how  the  deuce  could 
he  ?  It  would  do  him  far  more  good,  let  me  tell  him,  than  danc- 
ing at  casinos  and  running  after  ballet  girls,  as  he  does.  I've  put 
him  down  for  fifty,  however,"  continued  Sir  Moses,  with  a  jerk  of 
his  head,  "  and  you  may  tell  him  I've  done  so." 

"  Wish  you  may  get  it,"  growled  Mr.  Mossman,  with  disgust. 

"Well,  then,"  said  the  Baronet,  proceeding  to  the  next  name  on 
the  list,  "  comes  old  Lord  Harpsichord.  He's  good  for  fifty,  too, 
I  should  say.  At  all  events,  I've  put  him  down  for  that  sum  ;  " 
adding,  "  I've  no  notion  of  those  great  landed  cormorants  cutting 
away  to  the  continent  and  shirking  the  obligations  of  country  life. 
I  hold  it  to  be  the  duty  of  every  man  to  subscribe  to  a  pack  of 
fox-hounds.  In  fact,  I  would  make  a  subscription  a  first  charge 
upon  land,  before  poor-rate,  highway-rate,  or  any  sort  of  rate.  I'd 
make  it  payable  before  the  assessed  taxes  themselves" — (laughter 
and  applause,  very  few  of  the  company  being  land-owners). 
"  Two  fifties  is  a  hundred,  then,"  observed  Sir  ]\roses,  perking 
up  ;  "  and  if  we  can  screw  another  fifty  out  ol'  old  Lady  Short- 
whist,  so  much  the  better  ;  at  all  events,  I  think  she'll  be  good  for 
a  pony  ;  and  then  we  come  to  the  Baronets.  First  and  foremost 
is  that  confounded  prosy  old  ass,  Sir  George  Persiflage,  with  his 
empty  compliments  and  his  fine  cravats.  I've  put  him  down  for 
fifty,  though  I  don't  suppose  the  old  sinner  will  pay  it,  though  we 
may,  perhaps,  get  half,  which  we  shouldn't  do  if  yve  were  not  to 
ask  for  more.     Well,  we'll  call  the  supercilious  old  owls  five-and- 


ASK    MA 31 31  A.  189 

twenty  for  safety,"  added  Sir  Moses.  "  Then  there's  Sir  Morgan 
Wildair  ;  I  should  think  we  may  say  five-and-twenty  for  him. 
What  say  yon,  Mr.  Squb-.^ely  ?  "  appealing  to  Sir  Morgan's  agent 
at  the  low  end  of  the  table. 

"  I've  no  instructions  from  Sir  Morgan  on  the  subject,  Sir 
Moses,"  replied  Mr.  Squeezely,  shaking  his  head. 

"  Oh,  but  he's  a  young  man,  and  you  must  tell  him  that  it's 
right — wecessar?/,  in  fact,"  replied  Sir  Moses.  "You  just  pay  it, 
and  pass  it  through  his  accounts — that's  the  shortest  way.  It's 
the  duty  of  an  agent  to  save  his  principal  trouble.  I  wouldn't 
keep  an  agent  who  bothered  me  with  all  the  twopenny-halfpenny 
transactions  of  the  estate — dom'd  if  I  would,"  said  Sir  Moses,  re- 
suming his  eye-glass  reading. 

He  then  went  on  through  the  names  of  several  other  parties, 
who  he  thought  might  be  coaxed  or  bullied  out  of  subscriptions,  he 
taking  this  man,  another  taking  that,  and  working  them,  as 
he  said,  on  the  fair  means  first,  and  foul  means  principle 
afterwards. 

"  Well,  then,  now  you  see,  gentlemen,"  said  Sir  Moses,  pocketing 
his  card  and  taking  another  sip  of  sherry  prior  to  summing  up  ; 
"  it  just  amounts  to  this.  Four  days  a-week,  as  I  said  before,  is  a 
dom'd  deal  better  than  three,  and  if  we  can  get  the  fourth  day  out 
of  these  shabby  screws,  why  so  much  the  better  ;  but  if  that  can't 
be  done  entirely,  it  can  to  a  certain  extent,  and  then  it  will  only 
remain  for  the  members  of  the  club  and  the  strangers — by  the  way, 
we  shouldn't  forget  them — it  will  only  remain  for  the  members  of 
the  club  and  the  strangei-s  to  raise  any  slight  deficiency  by  an  in- 
creased subscription,  and  according  to  my  plan  of  each  man  work- 
ing his  neighbour,  whether  the  club  subscription  was  to  be  increased 
to  fifteen,  or  seventeen,  or  even  to  twenty  pounds  a-year  will 
depend  entirely  upon  oui'selvcs  ;  so  you  see,  gentlemen,  we  have 
all  a  direot  interest  in  the  matter,  and  cannot  go  to  work  too 
earnestly  or  too  strenuously ;  for  believe  me,  gentlemen,  there's 
nothing  like  hunting,  it  promotes  health  and  longevity,  wards  otf 
the  gout  and  sciatica,  and  keeps  one  out  of  the  hands  of  those 
dom'd  doctors,  with  their  confounded  bills — no  oft'ence  to  our 
friend  Plaister,  there,"  alluding  to  a  doctor  of  that  name  who  was 
sitting  about  half-way  down  the  tabic — "so  now,"  continued  Sir 
Moses,  "  I  think  I  cannot  do  better  than  conclude  by  proposing  as 
a  bumper  toast,  with  all  the  honours,  Long  life  and  prosperity  to 
the  Hit-im  and  HoM-im  shire  hounds  !  " 

When  the  forced  cheering  had  subsided,  our  friend — or  rather 
Major  Yannnerton's  friend — Mr.  Smoothley,  the  gentleman  who 
assisted  at  the  sale  of  Bo-peep,  arose  to  address  the  meeting  amid 
coughs  and  knocks  and  the  shuffling  of  feet.     Mr.   Smoothley 


190  ASK    MAMMA. 

coughed  too,  for  he  felt  he  had  an  uphill  part  to  perform  ;  but  Sii 
Moses  was  a  hard  task-master,  and  held  his  ''I.  0.  U.'8"for  a 
hundred  and  fifty-seven  pounds.  On  silence  being  restored,  Mr. 
Smoothley  briefly  glanced  at  the  topics  urged,  as  he  said,  in  such 
a  masterly  manner  by  their  excellent  and  popular  master,  to  whom 
they  all  owed  a  deep  debt  of  gratitude  for  the  spirited  manner  in 
which  he  hunted  the  country,  rescuing  it  from  the  degradation  to 
which  it  had  fallen,  and  restoring  it  to  its  pristine  fame  and  pros- 
perity— (applause  from  Sir  Moses  and  his  claqueurs).  With  respect 
to  the  specific  proposal  submitted  by  Sir  Moses,  Mr.  Smoothley 
proceeded  to  say,  he  really  thought  there  could  not  be  a  difference 
of  opinion  on  the  subject — (renewed  applause,  with  murmurs  of 
dissent  here  and  there).  It  was  clearly  their  interest  to  have  the 
country  hunted  four  days  a  week,  and  the  mode  in  which  Sir  Moses 
proposed  accomplishing  the  object  was  worthy  the  talents  of  the 
greatest  financier  of  the  day — (applause) — for  it  placed  the  load  on 
the  shoulders  of  those  who  were  the  best  able  to  bear  it — (applause). 
Taking  all  the  circumstances  of  the  case,  therefore,  into  considera- 
tion, he  thought  the  very  least  they  could  do  would  be  to  pass  a 
unanimous  vote  of  thanks  to  their  excellent  friend  for  the  brilliant 
sport  he  had  hitherto  shown  them,  and  pledge  themselves  to  aid  to 
the  utmost  of  their  power  in  carrying  out  his  most  liberal  and 
judicious  proposal. 

"Jewish  enough,"  whispered  Mr.  Straddler  into  the  flying 
hatter's  ear. 

And  the  following  week's  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  Herald,  and 
also  the  Featherbedfordshire  Gazette,  contained  a  string  of  resolu- 
tions, embodying  the  foregoing,  as  unanimously  passed  at  a  full 
meeting  of  the  members  of  the  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  hunt, 
held  at  the  Fox  and  Hounds  Hotel,  in  Ilinton,  Sir  Moses  Main- 
chance,  Bart.,  in  the  chair. 

And  each  man  set  to  work  on  the  pocket  of  his  neighbour  with 
an  earnestness  inspired  by  the  idea  of  saving  his  own.  The  result 
was  that  a  very  considerable  sum  was  raised  for  the  four  days  a- 
week,  which,  somehow  or  other,  the  country  rarely  or  ever  got, 
except  in  the  shape  of  advertisements ;  for  Sir  Moses  always  had 
some  excuse  or  other  for  shirking  it, — either  his  huntsman  had  got 
drunk  the  day  before,  or  his  first  whip  had  had  a  bad  fall,  or  his 
second  whip  had  been  summoned  to  the  small  debts  court,  or  his 
hounds  had  been  fighting  and  several  of  them  had  got  lamed,  or  the 
distemper  had  broken  out  in  his  stable,  or  something  or  other  had 
happened  to  prevent  bim. 

Towards  Christmas,  or  on  the  eve  of  an  evident  frost,  he  came 
valiantly  out,  and  if  foiled  by  a  sudden  thaw,  would  indulge  in  all 
3orts  of  sham  draws,  and  short  days,  to  the  great  disgust  of  those 


.4^' A'    MAMMA. 


191 


who  were  not  in  the  secret.  Altogether  Sir  Moses  Mainchance 
rode  Hit-iin  and  Hold-im  shire  as  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  had 
never  been  ridden  before. 


SIR   MO.SKS    MAIXCHANCE. 


CHAPTER    XXIX. 


THE    PAXrnU'RX   TARK    ESTATE. 

The  first  thinti-  that  struck  Sir  ^Moscs  INIainchance  after  he 
became  a  "  laird  "  \.as  that  he  i^ot  very  little  interest  for  his 
money.  Hp:'c  was  he  who  liiul  always  looked  down  with  scorn 
nponany  thing  that  would  not  pay  ten  per  cent.,  scarcely  netting 
thre^  by  his  acres.  He  couldn't  understand  it — dom'd  if  lie  could. 
How  conld  people  live  who  had  nothing  but  land  ?  Certainly 
Mr. '  *laiitagcnct  Smith  had  left  the  estate  in  a;;  forlorn  a  condition 
JUS  ^ionld  well  be  imagined.  liUttei'ly  his  agent,  Mr.  Tom  Teaser, 
had  directed  his  attmtion  solely  to  the  extraction  of  rent,  regard- 
less of  maintenance,  to  say  nothing  of  improvements,  coiise(piently 
the  farm  buildings  wwv  dilapidated,  and  the  land  impoverished  in 
every  shape  and  way.     Old  pasture-field  after  old  pasture-field  had 


192  ASK    MAMMA. 

gradually  succumbed  to  the  plough,  and  the  last  ounce  of  freshness 
being  extracted,  the  fields  were  left  to  lay  themselves  down  to  weeds 
or  any  thing  they  liked.  As  this  sort  of  work  never  has  but  one 
ending,  the  time  soon  arrived  when  the  rent  was  not  raiseablf^. 
Indeed  it  was  the  inability  to  make  "both  ends  meet,"  as  Paul  I.y 
used  to  say,  which  caused  Mr.  Plantagenet  Smith  to  retire  from 
Burke's  landed  gentry,  which  he  did  to  his  own  advantage,  land 
being  sometimes  like  family  plate,  valuable  to  sell,  but  unprofitable 
to  keep. 

Sir  Moses,  flushed  with  his  reception  and  the  consequence  he 
had  acquired,  met  his  tenants  gallantly  the  first  rent-day,  expecting 
to  find  everything  as  smooth  and  pleasant  as  a  London  house-rent 
audit.  Great  was  his  surprise  and  disgust  at  the  pauperised 
wretches  he  encountered,  creatures  that  really  appeared  to  be 
but  little  raised  above  the  brute  creation,  were  it  not  for  the 
uncommon  keenness  they  showed  at  a  "  catch."  First  came 
our  old  friend  Henerey  Brown  &  Co.,  who,  foiled  in  their 
attempt  to  establish  themselves  on  Major  Yammerton's  farm 
at  Bonnyrigs,  and  also  upon  several  other  farms  in  different 
parts  of  the  county,  had  at  length  "  wheas  we  have  considered  " 
Mr.  Teaser  to  some  better  purpose  for  one  on  the  Pangburn 
Park  Estate. 

This  was  Doblington  farm,  consisting  of  a  hundred  and  sixty  of 
undrained  obdurate  clay,  as  sticky  as  bird-lime  in  wet,  and  as  hard 
as  iron  in  dry  weather,  and  therefore  requiring  extra  strength  to 
take  advantage  of  a  favourable  scastH'.  Now  Henerey  Brown 
&  Co.  had  farmed,  or  rather  starved,  a  light  sandy  soil  of  some 
two-thirds  the  extent  of  Doblington,  and  their  half-fed  pony 
horses  and  wretched  implements  were  quite  unable  to  cope  with 
the  intractable  stubborn  stiiif  they  had  selected.  Perhaps  we  can 
hardly  say  they  selected  it,  for  it  was  a  case  of  Ilobson's  choice 
with  them,  and  as  they  offered  more  rent  than  the  outgoing 
tenant,  who  had  farmed  himself  to  the  door,  had  paid,  Mr.  Teaser 
installed  them  in  it.  And  now  at  the  end  of  the  year,  (the  farms 
being  let  on  that  beggarly  pauper-encouraging  system  of  a  running 
half  year)  Henerey  &  Huiupiu'ey  came  dragging  their  legs  to  the 
Park  with  a  quarter  of  a  year's  rent  between  them,  lleuerey  who 
was  the  orator  undertaking  to  appear,  Humphrey  paying  his 
respects  only  to  the  cheer.  Sir  IMoses  and  Mr.  Teaser  were  sitting 
in  state  in  the  side  entrance-hall,  surrounded  by  the  usual  para- 
phernalia of  pens,  ink,  and  paper,  wlien  flenerey's  short,  squara 
turnip-headed,  vacant-countenanced  figure  loomed  in  the  distance. 
Mr.  Teaser  trembled  when  he  saw  him,  for  he  knew  that  the 
increased  rent  obtainecl  for  Hencrey's  farm  had  been  much  dweii 
upon  by  the  auctioneer,  and  insisted  upon  by  the  vendor  as  con- 


ASR  Mamma.  m 

ducive  evidence  of  the  improving  nature  of  the  whole  estate. 
Teaser,  like  the  schoolboy  in  the  poem,  now  traced  the  day's 
disaster  in  Henerey's  morning  face.  However,  Teaser  put  a  good 
face  on  the  matter,  saying,  as  Henerey  came  diverging  up  to  the 
table,  "  This  is  Mr.  Brown,  Sir  INIoses,  the  new  tenant  of 
Doblington — the  farm  on  the  Hill."  lie  was  going  to  add 
*'  with  the  bad  out-buildings,"  but  he  thought  he  had  better  keep 
that  to  himself.  Humph  sniffed  the  eager  baronet,  looking  the 
new  tenant  over. 

"  Your  sarvent,  Sir  Moses,"  ducked  the  farmer,  seating  himself 
in  the  dread  cash-extracting  chair. 

"Well,  my  man, and  how  dy'e  do  ?  I  hope  you're  well — How's 
your  wife  ?  I  hope  she's  well,"  continued  the  Baronet,  watching 
Henerey's  proti-acted  dive  into  his  corduroy  breeches-pockets,  and 
his  fish  up  of  the  dirty  canvas  money-bag.  Having  deliberately 
untied  the  string,  Henerey,  without  noticing  the  Baronet's  polite 
enquiries,  shook  out  a  few  local  five  pound  notes,  along  with  some 
sovereigns,  shillings,  and  sixpence  upon  the  table,  and  heaving  a 
deep  sigh,  pushed  them  over  towards  Mr.  Teaser.  That  worthy 
having  wet  his  thumb  at  his  mouth  proceeded  to  count  the  dirty 
old  notes,  and  finding  them  as  he  expected,  even  with  the  aid  of 
the  change,  very  short  of  the  right  amount,  he  asked  Henerey  if 
he  had  any  bills  against  them  ? 

"  W-h-o-y  no-a  ar  think  not,"  replied  Henerey,  scratching  his 
straggling-haired  head,  apparently  conning  the  matter  over  in  his 
mind.  '•*  W-h-o-y,  yeas,  there's  th^  Income  Tax,  and  there's  the 
lime  to  'loo  off'." 

"  Lime  !  "  exclaimed  the  Baronet,  "  What  have  I  to  do  with 
lime  ?  " 

"W-h-o-y,  yeas,  you  know  you  promised  to  'loo  the  lime,"  replied 
He;ierey,  appealing  to  Mr.  Teaser,  who  frowned  and  bit  his  lip  at 
the  over-true  assertion. 

"  Never  heard  of  such  a  thing  !  "  exclaimed  Sir  ^Moses,  seeing 
through  the  deceit  at  a  glance.  "Never  heard  of  such  a  thing," 
repeated  he.  "  That's  the  way  you  keep  up  your  rents  is  it  ?  " 
asked  he  :  "  Deceive  yourselves  by  pretending  to  get  more  money 
tliiiu  you  do,  and  pay  rates  and  taxes  upon  your  deceit  as  a 
punishment.  Tiiat  'ill  not  do  !  dom'd  if  it  will,"  continued  the 
Baronet,  waxing  warm. 

"  Well,  but  the  income  tax  won't  bring  your  money  up  to  any- 
thing like  the  right  amount,"  observed  ^Ir.  Tea.ser  to  llcnerey, 
anxious  to  get  rid  of  the  lime  question. 

"W-h-o-y  n-o-a,"  replied  Henerey,  again  scratching  his  pate, 
"  but  it's  as  much  as  I  can  bring  ye  to-day." 

"  To-day,  man  !  "    retorted  Sir  Moses,  "  Why,  don't  you  know 

P 


194  ASK    MAMMA. 

that  this  is  the  rent-day  !    tlie  day  on  which  the  entire  monetar} 
transactions  on  the  whole  estate  are  expected  to  be  settled." 

Henerey — "  0,  w-h-o-y  it  Mil  make  ne  odds  to  ye,  Sif  Moses." 

Sir  Moses — "  Ne  odds  to  me  !     How  do  you  'know  that  ?  " 

Henerey — (apologetically)  "  Oh,  Sir  Moses,  you  have  plenty,  Sir 
Moses." 

Sir  Moses — "Me  plenty!  me  plenty  !  I'm  the  poorest  crittur 
alive  !  "  which  was  true  enough,  only  not  in  the  sense  Sir  Moses 
intended  it. 

Henei'ey — "Why,  why,  Sir  Moses,  ar'U  bring  ye  some  more 
after  a  bit ;  but  ar  tell  ye,"  appealing  to  Teaser,  "  Ye  mun  Uoofor 
the  lime.'''' 

"The  lime  be  hanged,"  exclaimed  Sir  Moses.  "Dy'e  sp'ose  I'm 
such  a  fool  as  to  let  you  the  land,  and  farm  ye  the  land,  and  pay 
income  tax  on  rent  that  I  never  receive  ?  That  won't  do — dom'd 
if  it  will." 

Hmerey — (boiling  up)  "Well,  but  Sir  Moses,  wor  farm's  far  o'er 
dear." 

Sir  Moses — (turning  flesh -colour  with  fury)  "O'er  dear !  Why, 
isn't  it  the  rent  you  yourself  offered  for  it  ? 

Henerey — "  Why,  why,  but  we  hadn't  looked  her  carefully 
over." 

"  Bigger  fool  you,"  ejaculated  the  Jew. 

"  The  land's  far  worse  nor  we  took  it  for — some  of  the  plough's 
a  shem  to  be  seen — wor  stable  rains  in  desprate — there  isn't  a  dry 
place  for  a  coo — the  back  wall  of  the  barn's  all  bulgin  oot — the 
pigs  get  into  wor  garden  for  want  of  a  gate — there  isn't  a  fence 
'ill  turn  a  foal — the  liars  eat  all  wor  tormots — we're  perfectly 
ruined  wi'  rats,"  and  altogether  Henerey  opened  such  a  battery  of 
grievances  as  completely  drove  Sir  ]\Ioses,  who  hated  anyone  to 
talk  but  himself,  from  his  seat,  and  made  him  leave  the  finish  of 
his  friend  to  Mr.  Teaser. 

As  the  Baronet  went  swinging  out  of  the  room  he  mentally 
exclaimed,  "  A^ever  saw  such  a  man  as  that  in  mv  life — dom'd  if 
ever  I  did  !  " 

Mr.  Teaser  then  proceeded  with  the  wretched  audit,  each 
succeeding  tenant  being  a  repetition  of  the  first — excuses — 
drawbacks — allowances  for  lime — money  no  matter  to  Sir  Moses 
— and  this  with  a  whole  year's  rent  due,  to  say  nothing  of  hopeless 
arrears. 

"Row  the  deuce,"  as  Sir  Moses  asked,  "do  people  live  who  have 
nothing  bat  land  ?  " 

When  Sir  Moses  returned,  at  the  end  of  an  hour  or  so,  he  found 
one  of  the  old  tenants  of  the  estate,  Jacky  Hindmarch,  in  the 
chair.     Jackj  was  one  of  the  leal  scratching  order  of  farmers, 


ASK    MAMMA  196 

and  ought  to  be  preserved  at  Madame  Tussaud's  or  the  British 
Museum,  for  the  information  of  future  ages.  To  see  him  in  the 
fields,  with  his  crownles^  hat  and  tattered  clothes,  he  was  more 
like  a  scare-crow  than  a  farmer  ;  though,  thanks  to  the  influence 
of  cheap  finery,  he  turned  out  very  shiney  and  satiney  on  a  Sunday. 
Jacky  had  seventy  acres  of  land, — fifty  acres  of  arable  and  twenty 
acres  of  grass,  which  latter  he  complimented  with  an  annual 
mowing  without  giving  it  any  manure  in  return,  thus  robbing  hia 
pastures  to  feed  his  fallows, — if,  indeed,  he  did  not  rob  both  by 
selling  the  manure  off  his  farm  altogether.  Still  Jacky  was  reckoned 
a  cute  fellow  among  his  compatriots.  He  had  graduated  in  the 
Insolvent  Debtors'  Court  to  evade  his  former  landlord's  claims, 
and  emerged  from  gaol  with  a  good  stock  of  bad  law  engrafted 
on  his  innate  knavery.  In  addition  to  this,  Jacky,  when  a  hind, 
had  nearly  had  to  hold  up  his  hand  at  Quarter  Sessions  for  stealing 
his  master's  corn,  which  he  effected  in  a  very  ingenious  way  : — 
The  granary  being  above  Jacky's  stable,  he  bored  a  hole  through 
the  floor,  to  which  he  affixed  a  stocking  ;  and,  having  drawn  as 
much  corn  as  he  required,  he  stopped  the  hole  up  with  a  plug 
until  he  wanted  a  fresli  supply.  The  farmer — one  j\Ir.  Podmore 
— at  length  smelt  a  rat  ;  but  giving  Jacky  in  chai-ge  rather 
prematurely,  he  failed  in  substantiating  the  accusation,  when  the 
latter,  acting  "under  advice,"  brought  an  action  against  Podmore, 
which  ended  in  a  compromise,  Podmore  having  to  pay  Jacky 
twenty  pounds  for  robbing  him  !  This  money,  coupled  with  the 
savings  of  a  virtuous  young  woman  he  presently  espoused,  and 
who  had  made  free  with  the  produce  of  her  master's  dairy,  enabled 
Jacky  to  take  the  farm  oil'  which  lie  passed  through  the  Insolvent 
Debtors'  Court,  on  to  the  Pangburu  Park  estate,  where  he  was 
generally  known  l)y  the  name  of  Lawyer  Hindmarch. 

Jacky  and  his  excellent  wife  attempted  to  farm  the  whole 
seventy  acres  themselves  ;  to  plough,  harrow,  clean,  sow,  reap, 
mow,  miik,  churn, — do  everything,  in  fact  ;  consequently  they 
were  always  well  in  arrear  with  their  work,  and  had  many  a  fine 
run  after  the  seasons.  If  Jacky  got  his  turnips  in  by  the  time 
other  people  were  singling  theirs,  he  was  thought  to  do  extremely 
well.  To  see  him  raising  the  seed-furrow  in  the  autumn,  a 
stranger  would  think  he  was  ploughing  in  a  green  crop  for  manure, 
80  luxuriant  were  the  weeds.  .But  Jacky  Hindmarch  would  defend 
his  system  against  ^Ir.  i\rechi  himself;  there  being  no  creature  so 
obstinate  or  intractable  as  a  ])ig-headed  farmer.  A  landlord  had 
better  let  his  land  to  a  cheesemonger,  a  greengrocer,  a  draper, 
anybody  with  energy  and  capital,  rather  than  to  one  of  these  self- 
Butlicient,  dawdling  nincompoops.  To  be  sure,  Jacky  farmed  as 
if  each  year  was  to  be  his  last,  but  he  wouldn't  have  been  a  bit 

1'  -' 


196  ASK    MAMMA. 

better  if  he  had  had  a  one-and-twenty  years'  lease  before  him, 
"Take  all  out  and  put  nothing  in,"  was  his  motto.  This  was  the 
genius  who  was  shuffling,  and  haggling,  and  prevaricating  with 
Mr.  Teaser  when  Sir  ]\Ioses  returned,  and  who  now  gladJy  skulked 
off  :  Henerey  Brown  not  having  reported  very  favourably  of  the 
great  man's  temper. 

The  next  to  come  was  a  woman, — a  great,  mountainous  woman 
— one  Mrs.  Peggy  TurnbuU,  wife  of  little  Billy  Turnbull  of 
Lowfield  Farm,  who,  she  politely  said,  was  not  fit  to  be  trusted 
from  home  by  hisself. — Mrs.  Turnbull  was,  though,  being  quite  a 
match  for  any  man  in  the  country,  either  with  her  tongue  or  her 
fists.  She  was  a  great  masculine  knock-me-down  woman,  round 
as  a  sugar-barrel,  with  a  most  extravagant  stomach,  wholly 
absorbing  her  neck,  and  reaching  quite  up  to  her  chin.  Above 
the  barrel  was  a  round,  swarthy,  sunburnt  face,  lit  up  with  a  pair 
of  keen  little  twinkling  beady  black  eyes.  She  paused  in  her  roll 
as  she  neared  the  chair,  at  which  she  now  cast  a  contemptuous 
look,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  How  can  1  ever  get  into  such  a  thing 
as  that  ?  " 

Mr.  Teaser  saw  her  dilemma  and  kindly  gave  her  the  roomier 
one  on  which  he  was  sitting — while  Sir  Moses  inwardly  prepared 
a  little  dose  of  politeness  for  her. 

"  Well,  my  good  woman,"  said  he  as  soon  as  she  got  soused  on 
to  the  seat.  "  Well,  my  good  woman,  how  dy'e  do  ?  I  hope 
you're  well.  How's  your  husband  ?  1  hope  he's  well  ; "  and 
was  proceeding  in  a  similar  strain  when  the  monster  interrupted 
his  dialogue  by  thumping  the  table  with  her  fist,  and  exclaiming 
at  the  top  of  her  voice,  as  she  fixed  her  little  beady  black  eyes  full 
upon  him — 

"  D'ye  think  we're  ganxin  to  get  a  new  B-a-r-r-u-n  ? " 

"Domyon  and  your  b-a-r-r-n!"  exclaimed  the  Baronet,  boiling 
up.     "  Why  don't  you  leave  those  things  to  yom-  husband  ?  " 

"  He's  see  shy  !  "  roared  the  monster. 

"  You're  not  shy,  however  !  "  replied  Sir  ]\Ioses,  again  jumping 
up  and  running  away. 

And  thus  what  with  one  and  another  of  them,  Sir  Moses  was 
so  put  out,  that  dearly  as  he  loved  a  let  off  for  his  tongue,  he 
couldn't  bring  himself  to  face  his  finends  again  at  dinner.  So  the 
agreeable  duty  devolved  upon  Mr.  Teaser,  of  taking  the  chair,  and 
proposing  in  a  bumper  toast,  with  all  the  honours  and  one  cheer 
more,  the  health  of  a  landlord  who,  it  was  clear,  meant  to  extract 
the  uttermost  farthing  he  could  from  his  tenants. 

And  that  day's  proceedings  furnished  ample  scope  for  a 
beginning,  for  there  was  not  one  tenant  on  the  estate  who  paid 
up  ;  and  Sir  Moses  declared  that  of  all  the  absurdities  he  had  ever 


ASK    MAMMA.  197 

heard  tell  of  in  the  whole  course  of  his  life,  that  of  paying  income- 
tax  on  money  he  didn't  receive  was  the  greatest.  "  Dom'd  if  it 
wasn't  !  "  said  he. 

In  fact  the  estate  had  come  to  a  stand  still,  and  wanted  nursing 
instead  of  further  exhaustion.  If  it  had  got  into  the  hands  of  an 
improving  owner — a  Major  Yammerton,  for  instance, — there  was 
redemption  enough  in  the  land  ;  these  scratching  fellows,  only 
exhausting  the  surface  ;  and  draining  and  subsoiling  would  soon 
have  put  matters  right,  but  Sir  Moses  declared  he  wouldn't  throw 
good  money  after  bad,  that  the  rushes  were  meant  to  be  there  and 
there  they  should  stay.  If  the  tenants  couldn't  pay  their  rents 
how  could  they  pay  any  drainage  interest  ?  he  asked.  Altogether 
Sir  Moses  declared  it  sliouldn't  be  a  case  of  over  shoes,  over  boots, 
with  him — that  he  wouldn't  go  deeper  into  the  mud  than  he  was, 
and  he  heartily  wished  he  had  the  price  of  the  estate  back  in  his 
pocket  again,  as  many  a  man  has  wished,  and  many  a  one  will 
wish  again — there  being  nothing  so  ticklish  to  deal  with  as  laud. 
There  is  no  reason  though  why  it  should  be  so  ;  but  we  will  keep 
our  generalities  for  another  chapter. 

Sir  Moses's  property  went  rapidly  back,  and  soon  became  a  s<jrt 
of  last  refuge  for  the  destitute,  whither  the  ejected  of  all  other 
estates  congregated  prior  to  scattering  their  stock,  on  failing  to  get 
farms  in  more  favoured  localities.  As  they  never  meant  to  pay, 
of  course  they  all  offered  high  rents,  and  then  having  got  pos- 
session the  Ilenerey  Brown  scene  was  enacted — the  farm  was  "  far 
o'er  dear  " — they  could  "  make  nouton't  at  that  rent !  "  nor  could 
they  have  made  aught  on  them  if  they  had  had  them  for  nothing, 
seeing  that  their  capital  consisted  solely  of  their  intense  stupidity. 
Tlien  if  Sir  Moses  wouldn't  reduce  the  rent,  he  might  just  do  his 
"  warst,"  meanwhile  they  pillaged  the  land  both  l)y  day  and  by 
night.  The  cropping  of  course  corresponded  with  the  tenure,  and 
may  be  described  as  just  anything  tliey  could  get  off  the  land. 
White  crop  succeeded  white  crop,  if  the  weeds  didn't  smother  the 
seeds,  or  if  any  of  the  slovens  did  "  try  for  a  few  turnips,"  as  they 
called  it,  they  were  sown  on  dry  spots  selected  here  and  there, 
with  an  implement  resembling  a  dog's-meat  man's  wheelbarrow — 
drawn  by  one  ass  and  steered  by  another. 

^leauwhile  ^Ir.  Teaser's  labours  increased  consideiably,  what 
with  the  constant  letLiiigs  and  leavings  and  watchings  for 
"  sl(j])ings."  There  was  always  some  one  or  other  of  the  worthies 
on  the  wing,  and  the  more  jKipc^r  and  words  ^Ir.  Teaser  employed 
to  bind  tliem,  the  more  ini'llieient  and  futile  lie  found  the  attempt. 
It  soon  became  a  regular  system  to  do  the  new  landlord,  in 
furtherance  of  which  the  tenants  formed  themselves  into  a  sort 
of  mutual  aid  association.     Then  when  a  seizure  wus  etlected, 


198  ASK    MAMMA, 

they  combined  not  to  buy,  so  that  the  sufferer  got  his  wretched 
stock  back  at  little  or  no  loss. 

Wretched  indeed,  was  the  spectacle  of  a  sale  ;  worn  out  horses, 
innocent  of  corn  ;  cows,  on  whose  hips  one  could  hang  one's  hat; 
implements  that  had  been  "  fettled  oop  "  and  "  fettled  oop,"  until 
not  a  particle  of  the  parent  stock  remained  ;  carts  and  trappings 
that  seemed  ready  for  a  bonfire  ;  pigs,  that  looked  as  if  they 
wanted  food  themselves  instead  of  being  likely  to  feed  any  one 
else  ;  and  poultry  that  all  seemed  troubled  with  the  pip. 

The  very  baihtf's  followers  were  shocked  at  the  emptiness  of 
the  larders.  A  shank  bone  of  salt  meat  dangling  from  the  ceiling, 
a  few  eggs  on  a  shelf,  a  loaf  of  bread  in  a  bowl,  a  pound  of  butter 
in  a  pie-dish, — the  whole  thing  looking  as  unlike  the  plentiful 
profusion  of  a  farm-house  as  could  well  be  imagined. 

The  arduous  duties  of  the  office,  combined  with  the  difficulty  of 
pleasing  Sir  Moses,  at  length  compelled  Mr.  Teaser  to  resign, 
when  our  "  laird,"  considering  the  nature  of  the  services  required 
concluded  that  there  could  be  no  one  so  fit  to  fulfil  them  as  one  of 
the  "  peoplish."  Accordingly  he  went  to  town,  and  after  consulting 
Levy  this,  and  "  (roodman  "  that,  and  Epliraim  t'other,  he  at 
length  fixed  upon  that  promising  swell,  young  Mr.  Mordecai 
Nathan,  of  Cursitor-street,  whose  knowledge  of  the  country 
consisted  in  having  assisted  in  the  provincial  department  of  his 
father's  catchpoll  business  in  the  glorious  days  of  writs  and 
sponging-houses. 

In  due  time  down  came  Mordecai,  ringed  and  brooched  and 
chained  and  jewelled,  and  as  Sir  Moses  was  now  the  great  man, 
hunting  the  country,  associating  with  Lord  Oilcake,  and  so  on,  he 
gave  Mordecai  a  liberal  salary,  four-hundred  a  year  made  up  in 
the  following  clerical  way  :— 

£  s.  d. 

A  furnished  house 100  0  0 

A  garden      .         .         .         .         .         .         .     .  40  0  0 

Coals  found  and  led 60  0  0 

Keep  of  a  cow 40  0  0 

Do.  of  a  horse 50  0  0 

Occasional  use  of  a  gig  (this  when  following 

a  fugitive)     .         .                           .         .   \  10  0  0 

Cash inu  0  0 


£40U     0     0 


Besides,  which.  Sir  Moses  promised  him  ten  per  cent,  upon  all 
recovered  arrears,  wliicli  set  Mordecai  to  work  with  all  the 
enthusiastic  energy  of  his  race. 


A;SK    MAMMA. 


199 


A    FliINK    DAY. 


CHAPTER    XXX. 

COMMERCE    AND  AGRICULTURE. 

NE  of  tlie  most  dis- 
tinguishing features 
between  commerce 
and  agriculture  un- 
doubtedly is  the 
marked  indifference 
shown  to  the  value 
of  time  by  the  small 
followers  of  the  latter,  compared  to 
the  respectful  treatment  it  receives 
at  the  hands  of  the  members  of 
the  commercial  world.  To  look  at 
their  relative  movements  one  would 
think  that  the  farmer  was  the  man 
i^,^  who  carried  on  his  l»usiness  under 
cover,  instead  of  Ijeing  the  one 
who  exposes  all  his  capital  to  the 
weathci-.  It  is  a  rare  thing  to  see 
a  farmci- — e\cn  in  hay  time — in  a  hurry.  If  the  returns  could  be 
obtained  we  dare  say  it  would  be  found  that  three-iburths  of  the 
l)e()ple  who  are  late  for  railway  trains  arc  farmers. 

In  these  accelerated  days,  when  even  the  very  street:  waggon 
horses  trot,  they  are  the  only  beings  whose  pace  has  not  been 
iinpi'oved.  The  small  fai-mer  is  just  the  same  slowly  moving 
d;nv<lling  cn^ature  that  he  was  before  the  jierfection  of  steam. 
Xcver  punctual,  ne\er  ready,  never  able  to  give  a  direct  answer 
to  ii  question  ;  a  ])itchfork  at  their  backs  would  fail  to  push  some 
of  these  fellows  into  pros])erity.  They  seem  wliolly  lost  to  that 
emulative  spirit  which  actuates  the  trader  to  endeavour  to  make 
e;ich  suceeediiiu-  year  le'ave  him  better  than  the  hist.  A  I'armer 
will  be  j'orty  years  on  a-  farm  withont  having  ])enelited  himself, 
his  family,  his  landlord,  oi"  any  human  beim:  whatevei'.  The 
last  year's  leiianey  will  find  him  as  ])oor  as  the  first,  with,  in  all 
])robaI)ility,  his  land  a  Liri'at  deal  ]»oorer.  In  dealing,  a  small 
farmer  is  never  hapi\v  wiihour  a  hngufe.  l*]ven  if  he  gets  his  own 
price  he  rej)roaches  himself  when  he  returns  home  with  not  having 
asked  a  little  more,  and  so  got  a  wrami'le.  Very  often,  however, 
they  outwit  themselves  entirely  by  asking  so  much  more  than  a 
thing  is  reallv  worth,  that  a  man   who  knows  what  he  is  about, 


200  ASK    MAMMA. 

and  has  no  hopes  of  being  able  to  get  the  sun  to  stand  still, 
declines  entering  upon  an  apparently  endless  negotiation. 

See  lawyer  Hindmarch  coming  up  the  High  Street  at  Halterley 
fair,  leading  his  great  grey  colt,  with  his  landlord  Sir  Moses 
hailing  him  with  his  usual  "  "Well  my  man,  how  d'ye  do  ?  I  hope 
you're  well,  how  much  for  the  colt  ?  " 

The  lawyer's  keen  intellect — seeing  that  it  is  his  landlord,  with 
whom  he  is  well  over  the  left — springs  a  few  pounds  upon 
an  already  exorbitant  price,  and  Sir  Moses,  who  can  as  he  says, 
"  measure  the  horse  out  to  ninepence,"  turns  round  on  his  heel 
witli  a  chuck  of  his  chin,  as  much  as  to  say,  "you  may  go  on." 

Then  the  lawyer  relenting  says,  "  w — h — o — y,  but  there'll  be 
summit  to  return  upon  that,  you  know,  Sir  Moses,  Sir." 

"  I  should  think  so,"  replies  the  Baronet,  walking  away,  to 
■'  Well  my  man — how  d'ye  do  ?  I  hope  you're  well,"  somebody  else. 

A  sale  by  auction  of  agricultural  stock  illustrates  our  position 
still  further,  au'l  one  remarkable  feature  is  that  the  smaller  the  sale 
the  more  unpunctual  people  are.  They  seldom  get  begun  under 
a  couple  of  hours  after  the  advertised  time,  and  then  the  dwell- 
ing, the  coaxing,  the  wrangling,  the  "  puttings-up "  again,  the 
ponderous  attemps  at  wit  are  painful  and  oppressive  to  any  one 
accustomed  to  the  easy  gliding  celerity  of  town  auctioneers.  A 
conference  with  a  farmer  is  worse,  especially  if  the  party  is 
indiscreet  enough  to  let  the  farmer  come  to  him  instead  of  his 
going  to  the  farmer. 

The  chances,  then,  are,  that  he  is  saddled  with  a  sort  of  old 
man  of  the  sea  ;  us  a  certain  ambassador  once  was  with  a  gowk  of 
an  Englishman,  who  gained  an  audience  under  a  mistaken  notion, 
and  kept  sitting  and  sitting  long  after  his  business  was  discussed, 
in  spite  of  his  Excellency's  repeated  bows  and  intimations  that 
he  might  retire. 

Gowk  seemed  quite  insensible  to  a  hint.  In  vain  his  Excellency 
stood  bowing  and  bowing — hoping  to  see  him  rise.  No  such  luck. 
At  length  his  Excellency  asked  him  if  there  was  anything  else  he 
could  do  for  him  ? 

"  Why,  noa."  replied  Gowk  drily  ;  adding  after  a  pause,  "  but 
vou  haven't  asked  me  to  dine." 

"  Oh,  I  ieg  your  pardon  !  "  replied  his  Excellency,  "  I  wasn't 
aware  that  it  was  in  my  instructions,  but  I'll  refer  to  them  and 
see,"  added  he,  backing  out  of  the  room. 

Let  us  fancy  old  Heavyheels  approaching  his  landlord,  to  ask 
if  he  thinks  they  are  gannin  to  get  a  new  barrun,  or  anything 
else  he  may  happen  to  want,  for  these  worthies  have  not 
discovered  the  use  of  the  penny-post,  and  will  trudge  any 
distance  to  deliver  their  own  messages.     Having  got  rolled  into 


ASK    31 A  MM  A,  201 

the  room,  the  first  thing  Heels  does  is  to  look  out  for  a  seat, 
upon  which  he  squats  like  one  of  Major  Yammerton's  hares,  and 
from  which  he  is  about  as  diflBcult  to  raise.  Instead  of  coming 
out  with  his  question  as  a  trader  would,  "  What's  rum  ?  what's 
sugar  ?  what's  indigo  ?  "  he  fixes  his  unmeaning  eyes  on  his 
landlord,  and  with  a  heavy  aspiration,  and  propping  his  chin  up 
with  a  baggy  umbrella,  ejaculates — "  iV-o-o,"  just  as  if  his  land- 
lord had  sent  for  him  instead  of  his  having  come  of  his  own 
accord. 

"  Well  !  "  says  the  landlord  briskly,  in  hopes  of  getting  him  on. 

"  It's  a  foine  day,"  observes  Hea\7'heels,  as  if  he  had  nothing 
whatever  on  his  mind,  and  so  he  goes  maundering  and  sauntering 
on,  wasting  his  own  and  his  landlord's  time,  most  likely  ending 
with  some  such  preposterous  proposition  as  would  stamp  any  man 
for  a  fool  if  it  wasn't  so  decidedly  in  old  Heavyheel's  own  favour. 

To  give  them  their  due,  they  are  never  shy  about  asking,  and 
have  always  a  host  of  grievances  to  bait  a  landlord  with  who  gives 
them  an  opportunity.  Some  of  the  women — we  beg  their  pardon 
— ladies  of  the  establishments,  seem  to  think  that  a  landlord  rides 
out  for  the  sake  of  being  worried,  and  rush  at  him  as  he  passes 
like  a  cur  dog  at  a  beggar. 

Altogether  they  are  a  wonderful  breed  !  It  will  hardly  be 
credited  hereafter,  when  the  last  of  these  grubbing  old  earth- 
worms is  extinct,  that  in  this  anxious,  commercial,  money-striving 
country,  where  every  man  is  treading  on  his  neighbour's  heels 
for  cash,  that  there  should  ever  have  been  a  race  of  men  who 
required  all  the  coaxing  and  urging  and  patting  on  the  l)ac'k  to 
induce  them  to  benefit  themselves  that  these  slugs  of  small  tenant 
farmers  have  done.  And  the  bulk  of  them  not  a  bit  better  for  it. 
They  say  "  y-e-a-s,"  and  go  and  do  the  reverse  directly. 

Fancy  our  friend  Goodbeer,  the  brewer,  assembling  his  tied 
Bonuifaces  at  a  banquet  consisting  of  all  the  delicacies  of  the 
season — beef,  mutton,  and  cheese,  as  the  sailor  said — and  aftei 
giving  the  usual  loyal  and  patriotic  toasts,  introducing  his  calling 
in  the  urgent  way  some  landlords  do  theirs— pointing  out  that  the 
more  swipes  they  sell  the  greater  will  be  their  profit,  recom- 
mending them  to  water  judiciously,  keeiiing  the  capsicum  out  of 
sight,  and,  in  lieu  of  some  new  implement  of  husbandry,  tolling 
them  that  a  good,  strong,  salt  Dutch  cheese,  is  found  to  be  a 
great  promoter  of  thirst,  and  recommending  each  man  to  try  a 
cheese  on  himself — perhaj)S  ending  by  bowling  one  at  each  of 
them  by  way  of  a  start. 

But  some  will,  perhaps,  say  that  the  interests  of  the  landlord 
and  tenant-farmer  are  identical,  and  that  you  cannot  injure  the 
latter  without  hurting  the  former. 


202  ASK    MA 31  MA. 

Not  more  ideutical,  we  submit,  than  the  interests  of  Goodbeer 
with  the  Bonnifaces  ;  the  land  is  let  upon  a  calculation  what  each 
acre  will  produce,  just  as  Goodbeer  lets  a  public-house  on  a  cal- 
culation founded  on  its  then  consumption  of  malt  liquor  ;  and 
whatever  either  party  makes  beyond  that  amount,  either  through 
the  aid  of  guano,  Dutch  cheese,  or  what  not,  is  the  tenant's.  The 
only  difference  we  know  between  them  is,  that  Goodbeer,  being 
a  trader,  will  have  his  money  to  the  day  ;  while  in  course  of  time 
the  too  easy  landlord's  rent  has  become  postponed  to  every  other 
person's  claim.  It  is,  "  0,  it  will  make  ne  matter  to  you,  Sir 
Moses,"  with  too  many  of  them. 

Then,  if  that  convenient  view  is  acquiesced  in,  the  party  sub- 
mitting is  called  a  "  good  landlord  "  (which  in  too  many  instances 
only  means  a  great  fool),  until  some  other  favour  is  refused,  when 
the  hundredth  one  denied  obliterates  the  recollection  of  the  ninety- 
nine  conferred,  and  he  sinks  into  a  "rank  bad  un."  The  best 
landlord,  we  imagine,  is  he  who  lets  liis  land  on  fair  terms,  and 
keeps  his  tenants  well  up  to  the  mark  both  with  their  farming 
and  their  payments.  At  present  the  landlords  are  too  often  a  sort 
of  sleeping  partners  with  their  tenants,  sharing  with  them  the 
losses  of  the  bad  years  without  partaking  with  them  in  the 
advantages  of  the  good  ones. 

"  Ah,  it's  all  dom'd  well,"  we  fancy  we  hear  Sir  Moses  Main- 
chance  exclaim,  "saying,  'keep  them  up  to  the  mark,'  but  how 
d'ye  do  it  ?  how  d'ye  do  it  ?  can  you  bind  a  weasel  ?  No  man's 
tried  harder  than  I  have  !  " 

We  grant  that  it  is  difficult,  but  agriculture  never  had  such 
opportunities  as  it  has  now.  The  thing  is  to  get  rid  of  the 
weasels,  and  with  public  companies  framed  for  draining,  building, 
doing  everything  that  is  required  without  that  terrible  investiga- 
tion of  title,  no  one  is  justified  in  keeping  his  property  in  an  un- 
productive state.  The  fact  is  that  no  man  of  capital  will  live  in  a 
cottage,  the  thing  therefore  is  to  lay  a  certain  number  of  these 
small  holdings  together,  making  one  good  farm  of  them  all, 
with  suitable  buildings,  and,  as  the  saying  is,  let  the  weasels 
go  to  the  wall.  They  will  be  far  happier  and  more  at  home 
with  spades  or  hoes  in  their  hands,  than  in  acting  a  ])art  for 
which  they  have  neither  capital,  courage,  nor  caiiacity.  Fellows 
take  a  hundred  acres  who  should  only  have  live,  and  haven't 
the  wit  to  find  out  that  it  is  cheaper  to  buy  juanure  than  to 
rent  land. 

This  is  not  a  question  of  crinoline  or  taste  that  might  be  ad- 
vantageously left  to  Mrs.  Pringle  ;  but  is  one  that  concerns  the 
very  food  and  well  being  of  the  peo])le,  and  landlords  ought  not  to 
require  coaxing  and  patting  ou  the  back  to  induce  them  to  partake 


ASK  MA^^^^A. 


203 


of  the  cheese  that  the  (;oinmercial  wovU]  offci'S  tliciii.  Kxcii  if 
they  are  indillercnt  u])Out  benefiting-  tlieiiiselves  they  sliould  not 
be  regardless  of  the  interests  for  tlieir  country,  l^ut  there  are 
very  few  iK'0])le  who  cannot  spend  a  little  more  money  than  they 
have.  liCt  them  "  up  then  and  at  "  the  drainafi:e  companies,  and 
see  what  wonders  they'll  accomplish  with  their  aid  ! 

We  really  believe  the  productive  powei's  of  the  country  might 
be  quadrupled. 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

SIR    MOSEs's   MliXAGK.— ]»1:PARTUKE    OF    FIXE    BILLY. 


man.  staiiilin 


SIR  MOSES,  being  now 
a  magnate  of  the  land, 
associating  witii  Lord 
Oilcake,  fjord  Repar- 
tee, Sir  Harry  Fuzhall, 
and  other  great  dons, 
of  course  had  to  li\e 
up  to  the  mai'k.  an  in- 
conveni(.'nt  arrange- 
ment fnr  those  who  do 
not  h'kc  });iyiiig  f'oi'  it, 
iiml  I  he  (Minscfiuence 
was.  th;ir  he  had  to 
put  up  with  an  iiilei'ior 
aiT  iclf. — t  ake  fi  I'st- 
cliiss  scr\ants  who  had 
falkii  into  second-class 
circumstances.-  lie 
h;i(l  a  ticket-of-leave 
'hutlei'.  a  (Iriiriiiiii  hr- 
///tus  lodtiiiai).  and  our 
old  IViend  jihensant- 
i'eathers.  now  ciijliiig 
herself  Mrs.  Margenini, 
foi'  cook  and  liouse- 
keejiei'.  And  fii'st.  nf 
tli(;  burler.  lie  was 
indeed  a  inMLrnitieeiu 
Iv  prop(,rtioned,  with  a 


commandiiii;-   pivsi^iiee,  of  ■^idlieient  age  to  awe  those  under  him 


204  ASK    MAMMA. 

and  to  inspire  confidence  in  an  establishment  with  such  a  respect- 
able looking  man  at  the  head.  Though  so  majestic,  he  moved 
noiselessly,  spoke  in  a  whisper,  and  seemed  to  spirit  the  things  oflF 
the  table  without  sound  or  effort.  Pity  that  the  exigencies  of 
gambling  should  have  caused  such  an  elegant  man  to  melt  his 
master's  plate,  still  greater  that  he  should  have  been  found  out 
and  compelled  to  change  the  faultless  white  vest  of  upper  service 
for  the  unbecoming  costume  of  prison  life.  Yet  so  it  was  :  and 
the  man  who  was  convicted  as  Henry  Stopper,  and  sentenced  to 
fourteen  years'  transportation,  emerged  at  the  end  of  four  with  a 
ticket-of -leave,  under  the  assumed  name  of  Demetrius  Bankhead. 
Mr.  Bankhead,  knowing  the  sweets  of  office,  again  aspired  to  high 
places,  but  found  great  difficulty  in  suiting  himself,  indeed  in 
getting  into  service  at  all. 

People  who  keep  fine  gentlemen  are  very  chary  and  scrupulous 
whom  they  select,  and  extremely  inquisitive  and  searching  in  their 
inquiries. 

In  vain  Mr.  Bankhead  asserted  that  he  had  been  out  of  health 
and  living  on  the  Continent,  or  that  he  had  been  a  partner  in  a 
brewery  which  hadn't  succeeded,  or  that  his  last  master  was 
abroad  he  didn't  know  where,  and  made  a  variety  of  similar 
excuses. 

Though  many  fine  ladies  and  gentlemen  were  amazingly  taken 
with  him  at  first,  and  thought  he  would  grace  their  sideboards 
uncommonly,  they  were  afraid  to  touch  for  fear  "  all  was  not 
right." 

Then  those  of  a  lower  grade,  thought  he  wouldn't  apply  to 
them  after  having  lived  in  such  high  places  as  he  described,  and 
this  notwithstanding  Bankhead's  plausible  assertion,  that  he 
wished  for  a  situation  in  a  quiet  regular  family  in  the  country, 
where  he  could  get  to  bed  at  a  reasonable  hour,  iusteud  of  being 
kept  up  till  he  didn't  know  when.  He  would  even  come  upon 
trial,  if  the  parties  liked,  which  would  obviate  all  inquiries  about 
character  ;  just  as  if  a  man  couldn't  run  off"  with  the  plate  the 
first  day  as  well  as  the  last.  • 

Our  readers,  we  dare  say,  know  the  condescending  sort  of 
gentleman  "  who  will  accept  of  their  situations,"  and  who  depre- 
cate an  appeal  to  their  late  masters  by  saying  in  an  airified  sort  of 
way,  with  a  toss  of  the  head  or  a  wave  of  the  hand,  that  they  told 
his  Grace  or  Sir  George  they  wouldn't  trouble  to  ask  them  for 
characters.  Just  as  if  the  Duke  or  Sir  George  were  infinitely 
beneath  their  notice  or  consideration. 

And  again  the  sort  of  men  who  flourish  a  bunch  of  testimonials, 
skilfully  selecting  the  imposing  passages  and  evading  the  want  of 
that  connecting  link  upon  which  the  whole  character  depends, 


ASK    MAMMA.  205 

and  who  talk  in  a  patronising  way  of  "  poor  lord  this,"  or  "  poor 
Sir  Thomas  that,"  and  vvliat  they  would  have  done  for  them  if 
they  had  been  alive,  poor  men  ! 

Mr.  Demetrius  Bankhead  tried  all  the  tricks  of  the  trade — we 
beg  pardon — profession — wherever  he  heard  of  a  chance,  until 
hope  defeiTed  almost  made  his  noble  heart  sick.  The  "  puts  oflF" 
and  excuses  he  got  were  curiously  ingenious.  However,  he  was 
pretty  adroit  himself,  for  when  he  saw  the  parties  were  not  likely 
to  bite,  he  anticipated  a  refusal  by  respectfully  decliniug  the 
situation,  and  then  saying  that  he  might  have  had  so  and  so's 
place,  only  he  wanted  one  where  he  should  be  in  town  half 
the  year,  or  that  he  couldn't  do  with  only  one  footman  under 
him. 

It  was  under  stress  of  circumstances  that  Sir  Moses  Mainchance 
became  possessed  of  Mr.  Bankhead's  services.  He  had  kicked  his 
last  butler  (one  of  the  fine  characterless  sort)  out  of  the  house  for 
coming  in  drunk  tc  wait  at  dinner,  and  insisting  upon  putting  on 
the  cheese  first  with  the  soup,  then  with  the  meat,  then  with  the 
sweets,  and  lastly  with  the  dessert ;  and  as  Sir  Moses  was  going  to 
give  one  of  his  large  hunt  dinners  shortly  after,  it  behoved  him  to 
fill  up  the  place — we  beg  pardon — office — as  quickly  as  possible. 
To  this  end  he  applied  to  Mrs.  Listener,  the  gossiping  Register 
Office-keeper  of  Hinton,  a  woman  well  calculated  to  write  the 
history  of  every  family  in  the  county,  for  behind  her  screen  every 
particular  was  related,  and  Mrs.  Listener,  having  paraded  all  the 
wretched  glazey-clothed,  misshapen  creatures  that  always  turn  up 
on  such  occasions,  Sir  Moses  was  leaving  after  his  last  visit  in 
disgust,  when  Mr.  Bankhead  walked  in — "  quite  promiscuous,"  as 
the  saying  is,  but  by  previous  arrangement  with  Mrs.  Listener. 
Sir  Moses  was  struck  with  Bankhead's  air  and  demeanour,  so 
quiet,  so  respectful,  raising  his  hat  as  he  met  Sir  Moses  at  the 
door,  that  he  jumped  to  the  conclusion  that  he  would  do  for  him, 
and  returning  shortly  after  to  Mrs.  Listener,  he  asked  all  the  usual 
questions,  which  Mrs.  Listener  cleverly  evaded,  merely  saying  that 
he  professed  to  be  a  perfect  butler,  and  had  several  most  excellent 
testimonials,  but  that  it  would  be  much  better  for  Sir  IMoses  to 
judge  for  himself,  for  really  ]\lrs.  Listener  had  the  comfort  of  Sir 
Moses  so  truly  at  heart  that  she  could  not  think  of  recommending 
any  one  with  whom  she  was  not  perfectly  conversant,  and  alto- 
gether she  palavered  him  so  neatly,  always  taking  care  to  extol 
Bankhead's  personal  appearance  as  evidence  of  his  respectability, 
that  the  baronet  was  fairly  talked  into  him,  almost  without  his 
knowing  it,  while  Mrs.  Listener  salved  her  own  conscience  with 
the  reflection  that  it  was  Sir  Moses's  own  doing,  and  that  the  bulk 
of  bis  plate  was  "  Brummagem "  ware — and  not  silver.     So  the 


206  ASK    MAMMA. 

oft-disappointed  fcicket-of-leaver  was  again  installed  in  a  butle/s 
pantry.  And  having  now  introduced  him,  we  will  pass  over  the 
delirmm  tremens  footman  and  arrive  at  that  next  important  per- 
sonage in  an  establishment,  the  housekeeper,  in  this  case  our  old 
friend  pheasant's-feathers.  Mrs.  Margerum,  late  Sarey  Grimes,  the 
early  coach  companion  and  confidante  of  our  fair  friend  Mrs. 
Pringle — had  undergone  the  world's  "  ungenerous  scorn,"  as  well 
for  having  set  up  an  adopted  son,  as  for  having  been  turned  away 
from  many  places  for  various  domestic  peculations.  Mrs.  Mar- 
gerum, however,  was  too  good  a  judge  to  play  upon  anything  that 
anybody  could  identify,  consequently  though  she  was  often  cauglit, 
she  always  had  an  answer,  and  would  not  unfrequently  turn  the 
tables  on  her  accusers — lawyer  Hindmarch  like — and  make  them 
pay  for  having  been  robbed.  No  one  knew  better  than  Mrs.  Mar- 
gerum how  many  feathers  could  be  extracted  from  a  bed  without 
detection,  what  reduction  a  horse-hair  mattress  would  stand,  or 
how  to  make  two  hams  disappear  under  the  process  of  frying  one. 
Indeed  she  was  quite  an  adept  in  housekeeping,  always  however 
preferring  to  live  with  single  gentlemen,  for  whom  she  would  save 
a  world  of  trouble  by  hiring  all  the  servants,  thus  of  course  having 
them  well  under  her  thumb. 

Sir  Moses  having  suffered  severely  from  waste,  drunkenness  and 
incapacity,  had  taken  Mrs.  Margerum  on  that  worst  of  all  recom- 
mendations, the  recommendation  of  another  servant — viz.,  Lord 
Oilcake's  cook,  for  whom  Mrs.  Margerum  had  done  the  out-door 
carrying  when  in  another  situation.  Mrs.  Margerum's  long  career, 
coupled  with  her  now  having  a  son  equal  to  the  out-door  depart- 
ment, established  a  claim  that  was  not  to  be  resisted  when  his 
lordship's  cook  had  a  chance,  on  the  application  of  Sir  Moses,  of 
placing  her. 

j\Irs.  ^Margerum  entered  upon  her  duties  at  Paugburn  Park, 
with  the  greatest  plausibility,  for  not  content  with  the  usual 
finding  fault  with  all  the  acts  of  her  predecessors,  she  absolutely 
"reformed  the  butcher's  bills,"  reducing  them  nearly  a  pound 
a-week  below  what  they  had  previously  been,  and  showed  great 
assiduity  in  sending  in  all  the  little  odds  and  ends  of  good  things 
that  went  ont.  To  be  sure  the  hams  disappeared  rather  quickly, 
but  then  they  do  cut  so  to  waste  in  frying,  and  the  cows  went  off 
in  their  milk,  but  cows  are  capricious  things,  and  Mrs.  Hindmarch 
and  she  had  a  running  account  in  the  butter  and  egg  line,  Mrs. 
Hindmarch  accommodating  her  with  a  few  pounds  of  butter  and 
a  few  score  of  eggs  when  Sir  Moses  had  company,  Mrs.  Margerum 
repaying  her  at  her  utmost  convenience,  receiving  the  difference 
in  cash,  the  reprayment  being  always  greatly  in  excess  of  the 
advance.     Still  as  Mrs.  Margerum  permitted  no  waste,  and  allowed 


ASK    MAMMA.  207 

no  one  to  rob  but  herself,  the  house  appeared  to  be  economically  kept, 
and  if  Sir  Moses  didn't  think  that  she  was  a  "  charming  woman," 
he  at  all  events  considered  he  was  a  most  fortunate  man,  and  felt 
greatly  indebted  to  Lord  Oilcake's  cook  for  recommending  her — 
"  dom'd  if  he  didn't." 

But  thougli  Mrs.  Margerum  kept  the  servants  well  up  to  their 
tea  and  sugar  allowances,  she  granted  them  every  indulgence  in 
the  way  of  gadding  about,  and  also  in  having  their  followers,  pro- 
vided the  followers  didn't  eat,  by  which  means  she  kept  the  house 
quiet,  and  made  her  reign  happy  and  prosperous. 

Being  in  full  power  when  Mr.  Bankhead  came,  she  received  him 
with  the  greatest  cordiality,  and  her  polite  offer  of  having  his 
clothes  washed  in  Sir  Moses's  laundry  being  accepted,  of  course 
she  had  nothing  to  fear  from  Mr.  Bankhead.  And  so  they 
became  as  they  ought  to  be,  very  good  ft'iends — greatly  to  Sir 
Moses's  advantage. 

Now  for  the  out-door  department  of  Sir  Moses's  m6nage.  The 
hunting  establishment  was  of  the  rough  and  ready  order,  but  still 
the  hounds  showed  uncommon  sport,  and  if  the  horses  were  not 
quite  up  to  the  mark,  that  perhaps  was  all  in  favour  of  the  hounds. 
The  horses  indeed  were  of  a  very  miscellaneous  order — all  sorts, 
all  sizes,  all  better  in  their  wind  than  on  their  legs — which  were 
desperately  scored  and  iron-marked.  Still  the  cripples  could  go 
when  they  were  warm,  and  being  ridden  by  men  wliose  necks  Avere 
at  a  discount,  they  did  as  well  as  the  best.  There  is  nothing  like 
a  cheap  horse  for  work. 

Sir  Moses's  huntsman  was  the  noted  Tom  Findlater,  a  man 
famous  for  everything  in  his  line  except  sobriety,  in  which  little 
item  he  was  sadly  deficient.  Tom  would  have  been  quite  at  the 
top  of  the  tree  if  it  hadn't  been  for  this  unfortunate  infirmity. 
"  The  crittur,"  as  a  Scotch  huntsman  told  Sir  Moses  at  Tattersall's, 
"could  no  keep  itself  sober."  To  show  the  necessities  to  which 
this  degrading  propensity  reduces  a  man,  we  will  quote  Tom's 
description  of  himself  when  he  applied  to  be  discharged  under  the 
Insolvent  Debtors'  Act  before  coming  to  Sir  IMoses.  Thus  it  ran 
— "  John  Thomas  Findlater  known  also  as  Tom  Find'Ater,  for- 
merly huntsman  to  His  Grace  the  Duke  of  Streamaway,  of  Stream- 
away  Castle,  in  Streamaway-shire.  then  of  No.  6,  Back  Row, 
Broomsfield,  in  the  county  of  Tansey.  helper  in  a  livery  stable, 
then  huntsman  to  Sampson  Cobbyfonl,  Esq.,  of  Bluntfield  Park, 
master  of  the  Hugger  Mugger  hounds  in  the  county  of  Scramb- 
lington,  then  huntsman  to  Sir  Giles  Gatherthrong,  Baronet,  of 
Clipperley  Park,  in  the  county  of  Scurry,  then  huntsman  to  the 
Eight  Hononrahle  Lord  Lovcdale,  of  Gayhnrst  Court,  in  the 
county  of  Tipper  ley,  then  of  No.   11,  Tan  Yard  Tiano,  Barrenbin, 


208  ASK    MAMMA, 

in  the  county  of  Thistleford,  assistant  to  a  ratcatcher,  then 
huntsman  to  Captain  Ratthnghope,  of  Killbriton  Castle,  in  the 
County  Steepleford,  then  whipper-in  to  the  Towrowdeshire  hounds 
in  Derrydownshire,  then  helper  at  the  Lion  and  the  Lamb  public- 
house  at  Screwford,  in  the  County  of  Mucklethrift,  then  of  G| 
Union  Street,  in  Screwford,  aforesaid,  moulder  to  a  clay-pipe 
maker,  then  and  now  out  of  business  and  employ,  and  whose  wife 
is  a  charwoman. 

Such  were  the  varied  occupations  of  a  man,  who  might  have 
lived  like  a  gentleman,  if  he  had  only  had  conduct.  There  is  no 
finer  place  than  that  of  a  huntsman,  for  as  Beckford  truly  says, 
his  office  is  pleasing  and  at  the  same  time  flattering,  he  is  paid  for 
that  which  diverts  him,  nor  is  a  general  after  a  victory  more 
proud,  than  is  a  huntsman  who  returns  with  his  fox's  head. 

When  Sir  Moses  fell  in  with  Tom  Findlater  down  Tattersall's 
entry,  Tom  was  fresh  from  being  whitewashed  in  the  Insolvent 
Debtors'  Court,  and  having  only  ninepence  in  the  world,  and  what 
he  stood  up  in,  he  was  uncommonly  good  to  deal  with.  Moreover, 
Sir  Moses  had  the  vanity  to  think  that  he  could  reclaim  even  the 
most  vicious  ;  and,  provided  they  were  cheap  enough,  he  didn't 
care  to  try.  So,  having  lectured  Tom  well  on  the  importance  of 
sobriety,  pointing  out  to  him  the  lamentable  consequences  of 
drunkenness — of  which  no  one  was  more  sensible  than  Tom — Sir 
Moses  chucked  him  a  shilling,  and  told  him  if  he  had  a  mind  to 
find  his  way  down  to  Pangburn  Park,  in  Hit-im-and-Hold-im 
shire,  he  would  employ  him,  and  give  him  what  he  was  worth  ; 
with  which  vague  invitation  Tom  came  in  the  summer  of  the 
season  in  which  we  now  find  him. 

And  now  having  sketched  the  menage,  let  us  introduce  our 
friend  Billy  thereto.  But  first  we  must  get  him  out  of  the 
dangerous  premises  in  which  he  is  at  present  located — a  visit 
that  has  caused  our  handsome  friend  Mrs.  Pringle  no  little 
uneasiness. 

It  was  fortunate  for  Sir  Moses  Mainchance,  and  unfortunate 
for  our  friend  Fine  Billy,  that  the  Baronet  was  a  bachelor,  or  Sir 
Moses  would  have  fared  very  differently  at  the  hands  of  the  ladies 
who  seldom  see  much  harm  in  a  man  so  long  as  he  is  single,  and, 
of  course,  refrains  from  showing  a  decided  preference  for  any 
young  lady.  It  is  the  married  men  who  monopolise  all  the  vice 
and  improprieties  of  life.  The  Major,  too,  having  sold  Billy  a 
horse,  and  got  paid  for  him,  was  not  very  urgent  about  his  further 
society  at  present,  nor  indisposed  for  a  little  quiet,  especially  as 
Mrs.  Yammerton  represented  that  the  napkins  and  table-linen 
generally  were  running  rather  short.  Mamma,  too,  knowing  that 
there  would  be  nothing  but  men-parties  at  Pangburn  Park,  had 


ASK    MAM  At  A.  2U& 

DO  uneasiness  on  that  score,  indeed  rather  thoiiglit  a  little  absence 
might  be  favourable,  in  enabling  Billy  to  modify  his  general 
attentions  in  favour  of  a  single  daughter,  for  as  yet  he  liad  been 
extremely  dutiful  in  obeying  his  Mamma's  injunctions  not  to  be 
more  agreeable  to  one  sister  than  to  another.  Indeed,  our 
estimable  young  friend  did  not  want  to  be  caught,  and  had 
been  a  good  deal  alarmed  at  the  contents  of  his  Mamma's  last 
letter. 

One  thing,  however,  was  settled,  namely,  that  Billy  was  to  go 
to  the  Park,  and  how  to  get  there  was  the  next  consideration  ; 
for,  though  the  Baronet  had  offered  to  convey  him  in  the  first 
instance,  he  had  modified  the  offer  into  the  loan  of  the  gig  at  the 
last,  and  there  would  be  more  trouble  in  sending  a  horse  to  fetch 
it,  than  there  would  be  in  starting  fair  in  a  hired  horse  and 
vehicle  from  Yammerton  Grange.  The  ready-witted  Major, 
however,  soon  put  matters  right. 

"  I'll  te  te  tell  you  wot,"  said  he,  '*  you  can  do.  You  can  have 
old  Tommy  P-p-plumberg,  the  registrar  of  b-b-births,  deaths,  and 
marriages,  t-t-trap  for  a  trifle — s-s-say,  s-s-seven  and  sixpence — 
only  you  must  give  him  the  money  as  a  p-p-present,  you  know,  not 
as  it  were  for  the  hire,  or  the  Excise  would  be  down  upon  him  for 
the  du-du-duty,  and  p-p-p'raps  fine  him  into  the  b-b-bargain." 

Well,  that  seemed  all  right  and  feasible  enough,  and  most 
likely  would  have  been  all  right  if  Monsieur  had  proposed  it ;  but, 
coming  from  master,  of  course  Monsieur  felt  bound  to  object. 

"  It  vouldn't  hold  alf  a  quarter  their  things,"  he  said  ;  "  besides, 
how  de  deuce  were  they  to  manage  with  de  horse  ?  " 

The  Major  essayed  to  settle  that,  too.  There  would  be  no 
occasion  for  Mr.  Pringle  to  take  all  liis  things  with  him,  as  he 
hoped  he  would  return  to  them  from  Sii  Moses's  and  have  another 
turn  with  the  haryers — try  if  they  coiikln't  circumvent  the  old 
hare  that  had  beat  them  the  other  day,  and  the  thing  would  be 
for  Mr.  Pringle  to  ride  his  horse  quietly  over.  Monsieur  going  in 
advance  with  the  gig,  and  having  all  things  ready  against  Mr. 
Pringle  arrived  ;  for  the  ^lajor  well  knew  that  the  Baronet's 
promises  were  not  to  be  dt})ended  upon,  and  would  require  some 
little  manocuvcriug  to  get  carried  out,  especially  in  the  stable 
department. 

Still  there  was  a  difficulty — Monsieur  couldn't  drive.  No,  by 
bis  vord,  he  couldn't  drive.  He  was  valet-dc-chambrc,  not  coach- 
man or  gruni,  and  could  make  nothing  of  horses.  Might  know 
his  ear  from  his  tail,  but  dat  was  all.  Should  be  sure  to  opset, 
and  p'raps  damage  his  crown.  (Jack  wanted  to  go  in  a  carriage 
and  pair.)  Well,  the  Major  would  accommodate  that  too.  Tom 
Cowlick,   the   hind's   lad   at   the  farm,  should  act   the  part   of 


210  ASK    MAMMA. 

charioteer,  and  drive  Monsieur,  bag,  baggage  and  all.  And  so 
matters  were  ultimately  settled,  it  never  occurring  to  Billy  to 
make  the  attempt  on  the  Major's  stud  that  the  Baronet  proposed, 
in  the  shape  of  borrowing  a  second  horse,  our  friend  doubtless 
thinking  he  carried  persecution  enough  in  his  own  nag.  The 
knotty  point  of  transit  being  settled,  Billy  relapsed  into  his  usual 
easy  languor  among  the  girls,  while  Monsieur  made  a  judicious 
draft  of  clothes  to  take  with  them,  leaving  him  a  very  smart  suit 
to  appear  in  at  church  on  Sunday,  and  afterwards  ride  through 
the  county  in.  "We  will  now  suppose  the  dread  hour  of  departure 
arrived. 

It  was  just  as  Mrs.  Pringle  predicted  !  There  were  the  red 
eye-lids  and  laced  kerchiefs,  and  all  the  paraphernalia  of  leave- 
taking,  mingled  with  the  hopes  of  Major  and  Mrs.  Yammerton, 
that  Billy  would  soon  return  (after  the  washing,  of  course)  ;  for, 
in  the  language  of  the  turf,  Billy  was  anybody's  game,  and  one 
sister  had  just  as  good  a  right  to  red  eye-lids  as  another. 

Having  seen  Billy  through  the  ceremony  of  leave-taking,  the 
Major  then  accompanied  him  to  the  stable,  thinking  to  say  a  word 
for  himself  and  his  late  horse  'ere  they  parted.  After  admiring 
Napoleon  the  Great's  condition,  as  he  stood  turned  round  in  the 
stall  ready  for  mounting,  the  j\Iajor  observed  casually,  "  that  he 
should  not  be  surprised  if  Sir  Moses  found  fault  with  that  'oss." 

"  Why  ? "  asked  Billy,  who  expected  perfection  for  a  hundred 
guineas. 

"  D-d-don't  know,"  replied  the  Major,  with  a  Jack  Rogers' 
shrug  of  the  shoulders.  "  D-d-don't  know,  'cept  that  Sir  Moses 
seldom  says  a  good  word  for  anybody's  'oss  but  his  own." 

The  clothes  being  then  swept  over  the  horse's  long  tail  into  the 
manger,  he  stepped  gaily  out,  followed  by  our  friend  and  his  host. 

"  I  thought  it  b-b-better  to  send  your  servant  on,"  observed  the 
Major  confidentially,  as  he  stood  eyeing  the  gay  deceiver  of  a 
horse  :  "  for,  between  ourselves,  the  Baronet's  stables  are  none  of 
the  best,  and  it  will  give  you  the  opportunity  of  getting  the  pick 
of  them." 

'*  Yarse,"  replied  Billy,  who  did  not  enter  into  the  delicacies  of 
condition. 

"  That  ho-ho-horse  requires  w-w-warmth,"  stuttered  the  Major, 
"  and  Sir  Moses's  stables  are  both  d-d-damp  and  d-d-dirty  ;  "  saying 
which,  he  tendered  his  ungloved  hand,  and  with  repeated  hopes 
that  Billy  would  soon  return,  and  wishes  for  good  sport,  not  for- 
getting compliments  to  the  Baronet,  our  hero  and  his  host  at 
length  parted  for  the  present. 

And  the  Major  breathed  more  freely  as  he  saw  the  cock-horse 
capering  round  the  turn  into  the  Helmington  road. 


AVK,     THATS     THJ:     WAV-STRAIGHT    ON.' 


y2 


ASK    MAMMA.  211 


CHAPTER   XXXII. 

THE   BAD   STABLE  ;    OR,    "  IT's   ONLY    FOR   ONE    NIGin."' 

From  Yammerton  Grange  to  Pangburn  Park  is  twelve  miles  as 
the  crow  flies,  or  sixteen  by  the  road.  The  Major,  who  knows 
every  nick  and  gap  in  the  country,  could  ride  it  in  ten  or  eleven  ; 
but  this  species  of  knowledge  is  not  to  be  imparted  to  even  the 
most  intelligent  head.  Not  but  what  the  ]\Iajor  tried  to  put  it 
into  Billy's,  and  what  with  directions  to  keep  the  Helmington  road 
till  he  came  to  the  blacksmith's  shop,  then  to  turn  up  the  crooked 
lane  on  the  left,  leaving  Wanley  windmill  on  the  right,  and 
Altringham  spire  on  the  left,  avoiding  the  village  of  Rothley,  then 
to  turn  short  at  Sanierside  Hill,  keeping  ]\Iissleton  Plantations 
full  before  him,  with  repeated  assurances  that  he  couldn't  miss  his 
way,  he  so  completely  bewildered  our  friend,  that  he  was  lost 
before  he  had  gone  a  couple  of  miles.  Then  came  the  provoking 
ignorance  of  country  life,  —  the  counter-questions  instead  of 
answers, — the  stupid  stare  and  tedious  drawl,  ending,  perhaps, 
with  "ars  a  stranger,"  or  may  be  the  utter  negation  of  a  place 
within,  perhaps,  a  few  miles  of  where  the  parties  live.  Billy 
blundered  and  blundered  ;  took  the  wrong  turning  up  the  crooked 
lane,  kept  TVanley  windmill  on  the  left  instead  of  the  right,  and 
finally  rode  right  into  the  village  of  Rothley,  and  then  began 
asking  his  way.  It  being  Sunday,  he  soon  attracted  plenty  of 
starers,  such  an  uncommon  swell  being  rare  in  the  country  ;  and 
one  told  him  one  way  ;  another,  another  ;  and  then  the  two  began 
squabbling  as  to  which  was  the  right  one,  enlisting  of  course  the 
sympathies  of  the  bystanders,  so  that  Billy's  progress  was  con- 
siderably impeded.  Indeed,  he  sometimes  seemed  to  recede  instead 
of  advance,  so  contradictory  were  the  statements  as  to  distance, 
and  the  further  he  went  the  further  he  seemed  to  have  to  go. 

If  Sir  Moses  hadn't  been  pretty  notorious  as  well  from  hunting 
the  country  as  from  his  other  performances,  we  doubt  whether 
Billy  would  have  reached  Pangburn  Park  that  night.  As  it  was, 
Sir  Moses's  unpopularity  helped  Billy  along  in  a  growling  unciril 
sort  of  way,  so  different  to  the  usual  friendly  forwarding  that 
marks  the  approach  to  a  gentleman's  house  in  the  country. 

"Ay,  ay,  that's  the  way,"  said  one  with  a  sneer.  "What, 
you're  gannin  to  him — are  ye  ? "  asked  another,  in  a  tone  that  as 
good  as  said,  I  wouldn't  visit  such  a  chap.  "  Aye,  that's  the 
way — straight  on,  throngli  Aildingham  town" — for  every  country- 
man likes  to  have  his  village  called  a  town — "  straight  on  through 


212  ASK    MAMMA. 

Addinghara  town,  keep  the  lane  on  the  left,  and  then  when  ye 
come  to  the  beer-shop  at  three  road  ends,  ax  for  the  Kingswood 
road,  and  that'll  lead  ye  to  the  lodges." 

All  roads  are  long  when  one  has  to  ask  the  way — the  distance 
seems  nearly  double  in  going  to  a  place  to  what  it  does  in  return- 
ing, and  Billy  thought  he  never  would  get  to  Pangburn  Park. 
The  shades  of  night,  too,  drew  on — Napoleon  the  Great  had  long 
lost  his  freedom  and  gaiety  of  action,  and  hung  on  the  bit  in  a 
heavy  listless  sort  of  way.  Billy  wished  for  a  policeman  to 
protect  and  direct  him.  Lights  began  to  be  scattered  about  the 
country,  and  day  quickly  declined  in  favour  of  night.  The 
darkening  mist  gathered  perceptibly.  Billy  longed  for  those 
lodges  of  which  he  had  heard  so  much,  but  which  seemed  ever  to 
elude  him.  He  even  appeared  inclined  to  compound  for  the 
magnificence  of  two  by  turning  in  at  Mr.  Pinkerton's  single  one. 
By  the  direction  of  the  woman  at  this  one,  he  at  length  reached 
the  glad  haven,  and  passing  through  the  open  portals  was  at 
length  in  Pangburn  Park.  The  drab-coloured  road  directed  him 
onward,  and  Billy  being  relieved  from  the  anxieties  of  asking  his 
way,  pulled  up  into  a  walk,  as  well  to  cool  his  horse  as  to  try 
and  make  out  what  sort  of  a  place  he  had  got  to.  With  the 
exception,  however,  of  the  road,  it  was  a  confused  mass  of  dark- 
ness, that  might  contain  trees,  hills,  houses,  hay-stacks,  anything. 
Presently  the  melodious  cry  of  hounds  came  wafted  on  the 
southerly  breeze,  causing  our  friend  to  shudder  at  the  temerity  of 
his  undertaking.  "  Drat  these  hounds,"  muttered  he,  wishing  he 
was  well  out  of  the  infliction,  and  as  he  proceeded  onward  the 
road  suddenly  divided,  and  both  ways  inclining  towards  certain 
lights,  Billy  gave  his  horse  his  choice,  and  was  presently  clattering 
on  the  pavement  of  the  court-yard  of  Pangburn  Park. 

Sir  Moses's  hospitality  was  rather  of  a  spm-ious  order ;  he  would 
float  his  friends  with  claret  and  champagne,  and  yet  grudge  their 
horses  a  feed  of  corn.  Not  but  that  he  was  always  extremely 
liberal  and  pressing  in  his  offers,  begging  people  would  bring 
whatever  they  liked,  and  stay  as  long  as  they  could,  but  as  soon  as 
his  offers  were  closed  with,  he  began  to  back  out.  Oh,  he  forgot  1 
he  feared  he  could  only  take  in  one  horse  ;  or  if  he  could  take  in 
a  horse  he  feared  he  couldn't  take  in  the  groom.  Just  as  he 
offered  to  lend  Billy  his  gig  and  horse  and  then  reduced  the  offer 
into  the  loan  of  the  gig  only.  So  it  was  with  the  promised  two- 
stalled  stable.  When  Monsieur  drove,  or  rather  was  driven,  with 
folded  arms  into  the  court-yard,  and  asked  for  his  "me  lors 
stable,"  the  half-muzzy  groom  observed  with  a  lurch  and  a  hitch 
of  his  shorts,  that  "  they  didn't  take  in  (hiccup)  osses  there — 
leastways  to  stop  all  night." 


ASK    MAMMA.  219 

"Veil,  but  you'll  put  up  me  lor  Pringle's,"  observed  Jack  with 
ac  air  of  authority,  for  he  considered  that  he  and  liis  master  were 
the  exce[)tion8  to  all  general  rules. 

"Fear  we  can't  (hiccup)  it,"  replied  the  blear-eyed  caitiflF ; 
"got  as  many  (hiccup)  osses  comin  to-night  as  ever  we  have  room 
for.     Shall  have  to  (hiccup)  two  in  a  (iiiccup)  as  it  is  "  (hiccup). 

"  Oh,  you  can  stow  him  away  somewhere,"  now  observed  Mr. 
Demetrius  Bankhead,  emerging  from  his  pantry  dressed  in  a  pea- 
green  wide-awake,  a  Meg  Merrilies  tartan  shooting-jacket,  a  straw- 
coloured  vest,  and  drab  pantaloons. 

"  You'll  be  Mr.  Pringle's  gentleman,  1  presume,"  observed  Bank- 
head,  now  turning  and  bowing  to  Jack,  who  still  retained  his  seat 
in  the  gig. 

"  I  be,  sare,"  replied  Jack,  accepting  the  proflFered  hand  of  his 
friend. 

"  Oh,  yes,  you'll  put  him  up  somewhere,  Fred,"  observed 
Bankhead,  appealing  again  to  the  groom,  "  he'll  take  no  harm  any- 
where," looking  at  the  hairy,  heated  animal,  "  put  'im  in  the 
empty  cow-house,"  adding  "  it's  only  for  one  night — only  for  one 
night." 

"0  dis  is  not  the  quadruped,"  observed  Monsieur,  nodding  at 
the  cart  mare  before  him, "  dis  is  a  job  beggar  vot  ve  can  kick  out 
at  our  pleasure,  but  me  lor  is  a  comin'  on  his  own  proper  cheval, 
and  he  vill  vant  space  and  conciliation." 

"  Oh,  we'll  manage  him  somehow,"  observed  Bankhead  confi- 
dently, "only  we've  a  large  party  to-night,  and  want  all  the  spare 
stalls  we  can  raise,  but  they'll  put  'im  ap  somewhere,"  added  he, 
"  they'll  put  'im  up  somewhere,"  observing  as  before,  "  it's  only 
for  one  night — only  for  one  night.  Now  won't  you  alight  and 
walk  in,"  continued  he,  motioning  Monsieur  to  descend,  and  Jack 
having  intimated  that  his  lor  vould  compliment  their  politeness  if 
they  took  veil  care  of  his  'orse,  conceived  he  had  done  all  that  a 
faithful  domestic  could  under  the  circumstances,  and  leaving  the 
issue  in  the  hands  of  fate,  alighted  from  liis  veliicle,  and  enter- 
ing by  the  back  way,  proceeded  to  exchange  family  "  particulars  " 
with  Mr.  Bankhead  in  the  pantry. 

Now  the  Pangburn  Park  stables  were  originally  very  good, 
forming  a  crescent  at  the  back  of  the  house,  with  coach-houses 
and  servants'  rooms  intervening,  but  owing  to  the  trifling  circum- 
stance of  allowing  the  drains  to  get  choked,  they  had  fallen  into 
disrepute.  At  the  back  of  the  crescent  were  some  auxiliary 
stables,  worse  of  course  than  the  principal  range,  into  which  they 
put  night-visitors'  horses,  and  those  whose  owners  were  rash 
enough  to  insist  upon  Sir  Moses  fulfilling  liis  otrcrs  of  hosjiitalitv 
to  them.     At  tuther  end  of  these  latter  were  loose  boxes,  ea[)alj]»i 


5414  ASK    mamhta. 

of  being  made  into  two-stalled  stables,  only  these  pnrtitions  were 
always  disappeariiiir,  and  the  roofs  had  long  declined  turning  the 
weather  ;  but,  still  they  were  better  than  nothing,  and  often 
formed  receptacles  for  sly  cabby's,  or  postboys  who  prefeiTed  the 
chance  of  eleemosynary  fare  at  Sir  Moses's  to  the  hand  in  the 
pocket  hospitality  of  the  Red  Lion,  at  Fillerton  Hill,  or  the  Main- 
chance  Arms,  at  Duckworth  Bridge.  Into  the  best  of  these  bad 
boxes  the  gig  mare  was  put,  and  as  there  was  nothing  to  get  in  the 
house,  Tom  Cowlick  took  his  departure  as  soon  as  she  had  eaten 
her  surreptitious  feed  of  oats.  The  pampered  Napoleon  the 
Great,  the  horse  that  required  all  the  warmth  and  coddling  in  the 
world,  was  next  introduced,  fine  Billy  alighting  from  his  back  in 
the  yard  with  all  the  unconcern  that  he  would  from  one  of  Mr. 
Splint's  or  Mr.  Spavins's  week  day  or  hour  jobs.  Indeed,  one  of 
the  distinguishing  features  between  the  new  generation  of  sports- 
men and  the  old,  is  the  marked  indifference  of  the  former  to  the 
comforts  of  their  horses  compared  to  that  shown  by  the  old  school, 
who  always  looked  to  their  horses  before  themselves,  and  not 
nnfrequently  selected  their  inns  with  reference  to  the  stables. 
Now-a-days,  if  a  youth  gives  himself  any  concern  about  the 
matter,  it  will  often  only  be  with  reference  to  the  bill,  and  he  will 
frequently  ride  away  without  ever  having  been  into  the  stable. 
If,  however,  fine  Billy  had  seen  his,  he  would  most  likely  have  been 
satisfied  with  the  comfortable  assurance  that  it  was  "  only  for  one 
night,"  the  old  saying,  "enough  to  kill  a  horse,"  leading  the  un- 
initiated to  suppose  that  they  are  very  difficult  to  kill. 

"  Ah,  my  dear  Pringle  !  "  exclaimed  Sir  IMoses,  rising  from  the 
depths  of  a  rather  inadequately  stuffed  chair  (for  Mrs.  JMargerum 
had  been  at  it).  "Ah,  my  dear  Pringle,  I'm  delighted  to  see 
you  ! "  continued  the  Baronet,  getting  Billy  by  both  hands,  as  the 
noiseless  Mr.  Bankhead,  having  opened  the  library  door,  piloted 
him  through  the  intricacies  of  the  company.  Our  host  really  was 
glad  of  a  new  arrival,  for  a  long  winter's  evening  had  exhausted 
the  gossip  of  parties  who  in  a  general  way  saw  quite  enough,  if  not 
too  much,  of  each  other.  And  this  is  the  worst  of  country  visit- 
ing in  winter  ;  people  are  so  long  together  that  they  get  exhausted 
before  they  should  begin. 

They  have  let  off  the  steam  of  their  small  talk,  and  have 
nothing  left  to  fall  back  upon  but  repetition.  One  man  hns  told 
what  there  is  in  the  "  Post,"  another  in  "  Punch,"  a  third  in  the 
"  Murk  Jjane  Express,"  and  then  they  are  about  high-and-dry  for 
the  rest  of  the  evening.  From  criticising  Billy,  they  had  taken  to 
speculating  upon  whether  he  would  come  or  not,  the  odds — with- 
out which  an  Englislimen  can  do  nothing — being  rather  in  favour 
of  Mrs.  Yammerton's  detaining-   him.     It  was  not  known  that 


ASK    MAMMA.  215 

Monsieur  Ronerier  had  arrived.  The  mighty  problem  was  at 
length  solved  by  the  Richest  Commoner  in  England  appearing 
among  them,  and  making  the  usual  gyrations  peculiar  to  an  intro- 
duction. He  was  tlien  at  liberty  for  ever  after  to  nod  or  speak  or 
shake  hands  with  or  bow  to  ]\[r.  George  and  Mr.  Henry  Waggett, 
of  Kitteridge  Green,  both  five-and-twenty  pound  subscribers  to 
the  Hit-im  and  Hold-im-shire  hounds,  to  ]\Ir.  Stephen  Booty,  of 
Verbena  Lodge,  who  gave  ten  pounds  and  a  cover,  to  Mr,  Silver- 
thorn,  of  Dryfield,  who  didn't  give  anything,  but  who  had  two  very 
good  covers  which  he  had  been  hinting  he  should  require  to  be 
paid  for, — a  hint  that  had  procured  him  the  present  invitation,  to 
Mr.  Strongstubble,  of  Buckup  Hill,  and  Mr.  Tupman,  of  Cowslip 
Cottage,  both  very  good  friends  to  the  sport  but  not  "  hand  in  the 
pocket-ites,"  to  Mr.  Tom  Dribbler,  Juu.,  of  Hardacres,  and  his 
friend  Captain  Hurricane,  of  Her  jMajesty'e  ship  Thunderer,  and 
to  Mr.  Cuthbert  FlintoflF,  commonly  called  Cuddy  FlintofF,  an  "  all 
about "  sportsman,  who  professed  to  be  of  all  hunts  but  blindly 
went  to  none.  Cuddy's  sporting  was  in  the  past  tense,  indeed  he 
seemed  to  exist  altogether  upon  the  recollections  of  the  chace, 
which  must  have  made  a  lively  impression  upon  him,  for  he  was 
continually  interlarding  his  conversation  with  view  holloas,  yoicks 
wind  'ims  !  yoick's  push  'im  ups  !  Indeed,  in  walking  about  he 
seemed  to  help  himself  along  with  the  aid  of  for-rards  on !  for-rards 
on  !  so  that  a  person  out  of  sight,  but  within  hearing,  would  think 
he  was  hunting  a  pack  of  hounds. 

He  dressed  the  sportsman,  too,  most  assiduously,  bird's-eye 
cravats,  step-collared  striped  vests,  gi'sen  or  Oxford-grey  cutaways, 
with  the  neatest  fitting  trousers  on  the  best  bow-legs  that  ever 
were  seen.  To  see  him  at  Tattersall's  sucking  his  cane,  his  cheesy 
hat  well  down  on  his  nose,  with  his  stout,  well-cleaned  doe-skin 
gloves,  standing  criticising  each  horse,  a  stranger  would  suppose 
that  he  lived  entirely  on  the  saddle,  instead  of  scarcely  ever  being 
in  one.  On  the  present  occasion,  as  soon  as  he  got  his  "bob" 
made  to  our  Billy,  and  our  hero's  back  was  restored  to  trancjuillity, 
he  at  him  about  the  weather, — how  the  moon  looked,  whether 
there  were  any  symptoms  of  frost,  and  altogether  seemed  desperately 
anxious  about  the  atmosphere.  This  inquiiy  giving  the  conversa- 
tion a  start  in  the  out-of-doors  line,  was  quickly  followed  by  Sir 
Closes  asking  our  Billy  how  he  left  the  Major,  how  he  found  his 
way  there,  with  hopes  that  everything  was  comfortable,  and  oh, 
agonising  promise  !  that  he  would  do  his  best  to  show  him  sport. 

The  assembled  guests  then  took  up  the  subject  of  their  "magni- 
ficent country"  generally,  one  man  lauding  its  bottomless  brooks, 
another  its  enormous  l)ulirHK'hes,  a  third  its  terrifi(!  stone  wall',  n 
fourth  its  stupendous  on-and-ofTs,  a  fifth  its  flying  foxes,  and  they 


316  ASK    MAMMA. 

nnaniinously  resolved  that  the  man  who  could  ride  over  Flit-imand 
Hold-im-shire  could  ride  over  any  country  in  the  world.  "  Any  coun- 
try in  the  ivorld!  "  vociferated  Cuddy,  slowly  and  deliberately,  with 
a  hearty  crack  of  his  fab  thi^di.  And  Billy,  as  he  sat  listening  to 
their  dreadful  recitals,  thought  that  he  had  got  into  the  lion's  den 
with  a  vengeance.  Most  sincerely  he  wished  himself  back  at  the 
peaceful  pursuits  of  Yammer  ton  Grange.  Then,  as  they  were  in 
full  cry  with  their  boasting  eulogiums,  the  joyful  dressing-bell 
rang,  and  Cuddy  Flintoff  putting  his  finger  in  his  ear,  as  if  to 
avoid  deafening  himself,  shrieked,  '■'hoick  halloa!  hoick!"  in  a. 
tone  that  almost  drowned  the  sound  of  the  clapper.  Then  when 
the  "  ticket  of  leaver  "  and  the  delirium  tremens  footman  appeared 
at  the  door  with  the  blaze  of  bedroom  candles.  Cuddy  suddenly 
turned  whipper-in^  and  working  his  right  arm  as  if  he  were 
cracking  a  whip,  kept  holloaing,  "  get  aiuay  hoick !  get  aivay 
hoick!  "  until  he  drove  Billy  and  Baronet  and  all  before  him. 


"  Rum  fellow  .hat,"  observed  the  Baronet,  now  showing  Billy 
up  to  his  room,  as  soon  as  he  had  got  sufficient  space  put  between 
them  to  prevent  Cuddy  hearing,  "  Rum  fellow  that,"  repeated  he, 
not  getting  a  reply  from  our  friend,  who  didn't  know  exactly  how 
to  interpret  the  word  "  rum." 

"  That  fellow's  up  to  everything, — cleverest  fellow  under  the 
sun,"  continued  Sir  Moses,  now  throwing  open  the  door  of  an 
evident  bachelor's  bed-room.  Not  but  that  it  was  one  of  the 
best  in  the  house,  only  it  was  wretchedly  furnished,  and  wanted 
all  the  little  neatnesses  and  knic-knaceries  peculiar  to  a  lady-kept 
house.  The  towels  were  few  and  flimsy,  the  soap  hard  and  dry, 
there  was  a  pincushion  without  pins,  a  portfolio  without  paper, 
a  grate  with  a  smoky  fire,  while  the  feather-bed  and  mattress 
had  been  ruthlessly  despoiled  of  their  contents.  Even  the  imita- 
tion maple-wood  sofa  on  which  Billy's  dress-clothes  were  now 
laid,  had  not  been  overlooked,  and  was  as  lank  and  as  bare  as  a 
third-rate  j\rargate  lodging-house,  one — all  ribs  and  hollows. 

"  Ah,  there  you  are  ! "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  pointing  to  the 
garments,  "  There  you  are  !  "  adding,  "  You'll  find  the  bell 
at  the  back  of  your  bed,"  pointing  to  one  of  the  old  smothering 
order  of  four-posters  with  its  dyed  moreen  curtains  closely  drawn, 
"  You'll  find  the  bell  at  the  back  of  the  bed,  and  when  you  come 
down  we  shall  be  in  the  same  room  as  we  were  before."  So  say- 
ing, the  Baronet  retired,  leaving  our  Billy  to  commence 
operations. 


ASK    MA 31 31  A. 


217 


CHAPTER    XXXIII. 

Kill    MOSKS'S   SrUKAl). 


rri>i)v  KMNroFK. 


We  dare  say  it  has  struck  such  of  (Mir  reader^;  as  have  followed 
Die  cliace  for  more  than  the  usual  avera«ie  allowance  of  three 
fe'easons,  that  hunts  flourish  most  vifjorously  where  there  is  a  fair 
share  of  hosjiitality,  and  Sir  ^Moses  ^NFainchance  was  quite  of  that 
""'"  "  "       He   found    it  answered  a  very  trood  purpose  as  wi^'  *  " 


to 


.)pinion 

(five  occasional  dinners  at  home  as  (d  attend  the  eluli  meeting's  at 
Hinton.  T(^  ihe  fnrnier  ]\r  in\ited  all  the  elite  of  his  field,  and 
such  peo[ile  as   lie  was   likely  tu  ueL  anythinsi;  out  of.  while  the 


218  ASK     MAMMA. 

latter  included  the  farmers  and  yeomen,  tlie  Flyino;  Hatters,  the 
Dampers,  and  so  on,  whereby,  or  by  reason  or  moans  whereof,  as 
the  lawyers  say,  the  spirit  of  the  thing  was  well  sustained.  Hia 
home  parties  were  always  a  great  source  of  annoyance  to  our 
friend  Mrs.  ]\rargernm,  who  did  not  like  to  be  intruded  upon  by 
the  job  cook  (Mrs.  Pomfret,  of  Hinton),  Mrs.  Margerum  being  in 
fact  more  of  a  housekeeper  than  a  cook,  thougli  quite  cook 
enough  for  Sir  Moses  in  a  general  way,  and  perhaps  rather  too 
much  of  a  housekeeper  for  him — had  he  but  known  it.  Mrs. 
Pomfret,  however,  being  mistress  of  Mrs.  IMargerum's  secret  (viz., 
who  got  the  dripping),  the  latter  was  obliged  to  "  put  up  "  with 
her,  and  taking  her  revenge  by  hiding  her  things,  and  locking  up 
whatever  she  was  likely  to  want.  Still,  despite  of  all  difficulties, 
Mrs,  Pomfret,  when  sober,  could  cook  a  very  good  dinner,  and  as 
Sir  Moses  allowed  her  a  pint  of  rum  for  supper,  she  had  no  great 
temptation  to  exceed  till  then.  She  was  thought  on  this  occasion, 
if  possible,  to  surpass  herself,  and  certainly  Sir  Moses's  dinner 
contrasted  very  favourably  with  what  Billy  Pringle  had  been 
partaking  of  at  our  friend  IMajor  Yammerton's,  whose  cook  had 
more  energy  than  execution.  In  addition  to  this,  Mr.  Bankhead 
plied  the  fluids  most  liberally,  as  the  feast  progressed,  so  that  what 
with  invitations  to  drink,  and  the  regular  course  of  the  tide,  the 
party  were  very  happy  and  hilarious. 

Then,  after  dinner,  the  hot  chestnuts  and  filberts  and  anchovy 
toasts  mingling  with  an  otherwise  excellent  desert  flavoured  the 
wine  and  brought  out  no  end  of  "  yoicks  wind  'ims"  and  aspirations 
for  the  morrow.    They  all  felt  as  if  they  could  ride — Billy  and  all ! 

"  Not  any  more,  thank  you,"  being  at  length  the  order  of  the 
day,  a  move  was  made  back  to  the  library,  a  drawing-room  being 
a  superfluous  luxury  where  there  is  no  lady,  and  tea  and  cofiee 
were  rung  for.  A  new  subject  of  conversation  was  wanted,  and 
^Tonsieur  presently  supplied  the  deficiency. 

"  That's  a  Frenchman,  that  servant  of  yours,  isn't  he,  Pringle  ?  " 
asked  Sir  Moses,  when  Monsieur  retired  with  the  tray. 

"  Yarse,"  replied  Billy,  feeling  his  trifling  moustache  after  its 
dip  in  the  cup. 

"  Thought  so,"  rejoined  Sir  Moses,  who  prided  himself  upon 
his  penetration.  "  I'll  have  a  word  with  him  when  he  comes  in 
again,"  continued  he. 

Tea  followed  quickly  on  the  heels  of  coffee,  Monsieur  coming 
in  after  Bankhead.  Monsieur  now  consequentially  drank,  and 
dressed  much  in  the  manner  that  he  is  in  the  picture  of  the  glove 
ficene  at  Yammerton  Grange. 

^^  Ah,  Monsieur!  comment  voiis  portez-vous  ?''''  exclaimed  the 
Baronet,  which  was  about  as  much  French  as  he  could  raise. 


ASK    MAMMA.  219 

"  Pretty  middlin',  tenk  you,  sare,"  replied  Jack,  bowing  and 

grimiia^'  uL  Lbe  compliment. 

"  What,  you  speak  English,  do  you  ? "  asked  the  Baronet, 
thinking  he  might  as  avcII  change  the  language. 

"  I  spake  it,  sare,  some  small  matter,  sare,"  replied  Jack,  with  a 
shrug  of  his  shoulders — "  Not  nothing  like  my  modder's  tongue, 
you  knows." 

"Ah  !  you  speak  it  domd  well,"  replied  Sir  Moses.  **  Let  you 
and  I  have  a  talk  together.  Tell  me,  now,  were  you  ever  out 
hunting  ?  " 

Jean  Roiigkr.  "  Oh,  yes,  sare,  I  have  been  at  the  chassc  of  de 
small  dicky-bird — tom-tit — cock-robin — vot  you  call." 

Sir  Moses  (laughing).  "  No,  no,  that  is  not  the  sort  of  chace  I 
mean ;  I  mean,  have  you  ever  been  out  fox-hunting  ?  " 

Jean  Rougier  (confidentially).     "  Xevare,  sare — nevare." 

Sir  Moses.  "  Ah,  my  friend,  then  you've  a  great  pleasure  to 
come  to — a  great  pleasure  to  come  to,  indeed.  Well,  you're  a 
domd  good  feller,  and  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do — I'll  tell  you  what 
I'll  do — I'll  mount  you  to-morrow — domd  if  I  won't — you  shall 
ride  my  old  horse,  Cockatoo — carry  you  beautifully.  What  d'ye 
ride  ?  Thirteen  stun,  I  should  say,"  looking  Jack  over,  "  quite 
up  to  that — quite  up  to  that — stun  above  it,  for  that  matter. 
You'll  go  streaming  away  like  a  bushel  of  I)eans." 

"Oh,  sare,  I  tenk  you,  sare,"  replied  Jack,  "but  I  have  not 
got  my  hunting  apparatus — my  mosquet — my  gun,  my — no,  not 
notin  at  all." 

"  Gun ! "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  amidst  the  laughter  of  the 
company.     "  Why,  you  wouldn't  shoot  the  fox,  would  ye  ?  " 

"  Certainemenf,^*  replied  Jack.     "  I  should  pop  him  over." 

"  Oh,  the  devil  !  "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  throwing  up  his  hands 
in  astonishment.  "  Why,  man,  we  keep  the  hounds  on  purpose 
to  hunt  him." 

"  Silly  fellers,"  replied  Jack,  "  you  should  pepper  his 
jacket," 

"  Ah,  Monsieur,  I  sec  you  have  a  deal  to  learn,"  rejoined  Sir 
Moses,  laughing.  "  However,  it's  never  too  late  to  begin — never 
too  late  to  begin,  and  you  shall  take  your  first  lesson  to-morrow. 
I'll  mount  you  on  old  Cockatoo,  and  you  shall  see  how  we  manage 
these  matters  in  England." 

"  Oh,  sare,  I  tenk  you  nioch,"  rcitlicd  Jack,  again  excusing  him- 
self. "  But  I  have  not  got  no  breeches,  no  Ixiot-jacks — no  notin, 
comme  ilfautr 

"I'll  lend  you  everything  you  want, — a  hoot-jack  and  all," 
replied  Sir  Moses,  now  quite  in  the  generous  mood. 

"  Ah,  sare,  you  are  \  are  beauLiful,  and  I  nioch  aj)preciatc  your 


220  ASK    MAMMA. 

benevolence  ;  hot  I  sud  not  like  to  risk  my  neck  and  crop  outside 
an  unqualified,  contradictory  quadruped." 

"  Nothing  of  the  sort !  "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  "  nothing  of  the 
sort  1  He's  the  quietest,  gentlest  crittur  alive — a  child  might 
ride  him,  mightn't  it,  Cuddy  ?  " 

"Safest horse  under  the  sun,"  replied  Cuddy  Flintofif,  confidently. 
"  Don't  know  such  another.  Have  nothing  to  do  but  sit  on  his 
back,  and  give  him  his  head,  and  he'll  take  far  better  care  of  you 
than  you  can  of  him.  He's  the  nag  to  carry  you  close  up  to  their 
stems.  Ho-o-i-ck,  forrard,  ho-o-i-ck  !  Dash  my  buttons,  Monsieur, 
but  I  think  I  see  you  sailing  away.  Shouldn't  be  surprised  if  you 
were  to  bring  home  the  brush,  only  you've  got  one  under  your 
nose  as  it  is,"  alluding  to  his  moustache. 

Jack  at  this  looked  rather  sour,  for  somehow  people  don't  like 
to  be  laughed  at ;  so  he  proceeded  to  push  his  tray  about  under 
the  guests'  noses,  by  way  of  getting  rid  of  the  subject.  He  had 
no  objection  to  a  hunt,  and  to  try  and  do  what  Cuddy  FlintofF 
predicted,  only  he  didn't  want  to  spoil  his  own  clothes,  or  be  made 
a  butt  of.  So,  having  had  his  say,  he  retired  as  soon  as  he  could, 
inquiring  of  Bankhead,  when  he  got  out,  who  that  porky  old 
fellow  with  the  round,  close-shaven  face  was. 

When  the  second  flight  of  tea-cups  came  in,  Sir  Moses  was 
seated  on  a  hardish  chaise  longue,  beside  our  friend  Mr.  Pringle, 
to  whom  he  was  doing  the  agreeable  attentive  host,  and  a  little  of 
the  inquisitive  stranger ;  trying  to  find  out  as  well  about  the 
Major  and  his  family,  as  about  Billy  himself,  his  friends  and 
belongings.  The  Baronet  had  rather  cooled  on  the  subject  of 
mounting  Monsieur,  and  thought  to  pave  the  way  for  a  back- 
out. 

"  That's  a  stout-built  feller  of  yours,"  observed  he  to  Billy, 
kicking  up  his  toe  at  Jack  as  he  passed  before  them  with  the 
supplementary  tray  of  cakes  and  cream,  and  so  on. 

"  Yarse,"  drawled  Billy,  wondering  what  matter  it  made  to  Sir 
Moses. 

"  Stouter  than  I  took  him  for,"  continued  the  Baronet,  eyeing 
Jack's  broad  back  and  strong  undersettings.  "  That  man  'U  ride 
fourteen  stun,  I  dessay." 

Billy  had  no  opinion  on  the  point  so  began  admiring  his  pretty 
foot ;  comparing  it  with  Sir  Moses's,  which  was  rather  thick  and 
clumsy. 

The  Baronet  conned  the  mount  matter  over  in  his  mind  ;  the 
man  was  heavy  ;  the  promised  horse  was  old  and  weak  ;  the 
country  deep,  and  he  didn't  know  that  Monsieur  could  ride, — alto- 
gether he  thought  it  wouldn't  do.  Let  his  master  mount  him 
if  he  liked,  or  let  him  stay  at  home  and  help  Bankhead  with 


ASK    MAMMA.  221 

the  plate,  or  Peter  with  the  shoes.  So  Sir  Moses  settled  it  in  his 
own  mind,  as  far  as  he  was  concerned,  at  least,  and  resumed  his 
enquiries  of  our  Billy.  Which  of  the  Miss  Yammertons  he  thought 
the  prettiest,  which  sang  the  best,  who  played  the  harp,  if  the 
ir.ajor  indulged  him  with  much  hare-soup,  and  then  glanced 
incidentally  at  his  stud,  and  Bo-Peep. 

He  then  asked  him  about  Lord  Ladythorne  ;  if  it  was  true  that 
Mrs.  Moflatt  and  he  quarrelled;  if  his  lordship  wasn't  getting 
rather  slack ;  and  whether  Billy  didn't  think  Dicky  Boggledale 
an  old  woman,  to  which  latter  interrogatory  he  replied,  *'  Yarse," 
— he  thought  he  was,  and  ought  to  be  drafted. 

While  the  tete-a-tete  was  going  on,  a  desultory  conversation 
ensued  among  the  other  guests  in  various  parts  of  the  room,  Mr. 
Booty  button-holeing  Captain  Hurricane,  to  tell  him  a  capital 
thing  out  of  "  Punch,"  and  receiving  in  return  an  exclamation  of 
— "  Why,  man,  I  told  you  that  myself  before  dinner."  Tom 
Dribbler  going  about  touching  people  up  in  the  ribs  with  his 
thumb,  inquiring  with  a  knowing  wink  of  his  eye,  or  a  jerk  of  his 
head,  "  Aye,  old  feller,  how  goes  it ;"  which  was  about  the  extent 
of  Tom's  conversational  powers.  Henry  Waggett  talking  "  wool  " 
to  Mr.  Tupman  ;  while  Cuddy  FlintofT  kept  popping  out  every 
now  and  then  to  look  at  the  moon,  returning  with  a  "  hoick  wind 
'im  ;  ho-ick  !  "  or — 

"  A  southerly  wind  and  a  cloudy  sky 
Proclaimeth  a  hunting  morning." 

Very  cheering  the  assurance  was  to  our  fi-iend  Billy  Pringle,  as 
the  reader  may  suppose  ;  but  he  had  the  sense  to  keep  his  feelings 
to  himself. 

At  length  the  last  act  of  the  entertainment  approached,  by  the 
door  flying  open  through  an  invisible  agency,  and  the  delirium 
tremens  footman  appearing  with  a  spacious  tray,  followed  by 
liankhcad  and  Monsieur,  with  "  Cardigans "  and  other  tiie 
materials  of  "night-caps,"  which  they  placed  on  the  mirth- 
promoting  circle  of  a  round  table.  All  hands  drew  to  it  like  blue- 
bottle-flies to  a  sugar-cask,  as  well  to  escape  from  themselves  and 
each  other,  as  to  partake  of  the  broiled  bones,  and  other  the  good 
things  with  which  the  tray  was  stored. 

"  Hie,  worry  !  worry  !  worry  !  "  cried  Cuddy  Flintoff,  darting 
at  the  black  bottles,  for  he  dearly  loved  a  drink,  and  presently  had 
a  beaker  of  brandy,  so  strong,  that  as  Silverthorn  said,  the  spoon 
almost  stood  upright  in  it. 

"  Let's  get  chairs  I  "  exclaimed  he,  turning  short  round  on  hia 
heel  :  "  lot's  get  chairs,  and  be  snug  ;  it's  as  cheap  sitting  as 
standing,"  so  saying,  he  wheeled  a  smoking  chair  up  to  the  table, 


222  ASK    MAMMA. 

and  was  speedily  followed  by  the  rest  of  the  party,  with  variona 
shaped  seats.  Then  such  of  the  guests  as  wanted  to  shirk  drinking 
took  whiskey  or  gin,  which  they  could  dilute  as  much  as  they 
chose  ;  while  those  who  didn't  care  for  showing  their  predilection 
for  drink,  followed  Cuddy's  example,  and  made  it  as  strong  as 
they  liked.  This  is  the  time  that  the  sot  comes  out  undisguisedly. 
The  form  of  wine-drinking  after  dinner  is  mere  child's  play  in  their 
proceedings  :  the  spirit  is  what  they  go  for. 

At  length  sots  and  sober  ones  were  equally  helped  to  their 
liking  ;  and,  the  approving  sips  being  taken,  the  other  great  want 
of  life — tobacco — then  became  apparent. 

"  Smoking  allowed  here,"  observed  Cuddy  FlintofF,  diving  into 
his  side-pocket  for  a  cigar,  adding,  as  he  looked  at  the  wretched 
old  red  chintz-covered  furniture,  which,  not  even  the  friendly 
light  of  the  moderateur  lamps  could  convert  into  anything  respect- 
able :  "  No  fear  of  doing  any  harm  here,  I  think  ? 

So  the  rest  of  the  company  seemed  to  think,  for  there  was  pre- 
sently a  great  kissing  of  cigar-ends  and  rising  of  clouds,  and  then 
the  party  seeming  to  be  lost  in  deep  reveries.  Thus  they  sat 
for  some  minutes,  some  eyeing  their  cocked-up  toes,  some  the 
dirty  ceiling,  others  smoking  and  nursing  their  beakers  of  spirit 
on  their  knees. 

At  length  Tom  Dribbler  gave  tongue — **  What  time  will  the 
hounds  leave  the  kennel  in  the  morning,  Sir  Moses  ?  "  asked  he. 

*'  Hoick  to  Dribbler  !  Koick  I  "  immediately  cheered  Cuddy — 
as  if  capping  the  pack  to  a  find. 

"  Oh,  why,  let  me  see,"  replied  Sir  Moses,  filliping  the  ashes  off 
the  end  of  his  cigar — "  Let  me  see,"  repeated  he — "  Oh — ah — to- 
morrow's Monday  ;  Monday,  the  Crooked  Billet — Crooked  Billet 
— nine  miles — eight  through  Applecross  Park  ;  leave  here  at  nine 
— ten  to  nine,  say — nothing  like  giving  them  plenty  of  time  on 
the  road." 

"  Nothing,"  assented  Cuddy  Flintoff,  taking  a  deep  drain  at  his 
glass,  adding,  as  soon  as  he  could  get  his  nose  persuaded  to  come 
out  of  it  again,  "  I  do  hate  to  see  men  hurrying  hounds  to  cover  in 
a  morning." 

"  No  fear  of  mine  doing  that,"  observed  Sir  Moses,  "  for  I  always 
go  with  them  myself  when  I  can." 

"  Capital  dodge,  too,"  assented  Cuddy,  "  gets  the  fellers  past  the 
public  houses — that  drink's  the  ruin  of  half  the  huntsmen  in 
lEngland ;  "  whereupon  he  took  another  good  swig. 

"  Then,  Monsieur,  and  you'll  all  go  together,  I  suppose,"  inter- 
rupted Dribbler,  who  wanted  to  see  the  fun. 

"Monsieur,  Monsieur — oh,  ah,  that's  my  friend  Pringle's  valet," 
observed  Sir  Moses,  drily  ;  "  what  about  him  ?  " 


ASK    MAMMA.  223 

"  Why  he's  going,  ibii'L  he  ?  "  replied  Dribbler. 

"  Oh,  poor  fellow,  no,"  rejoined  Sir  Moses  ;  "  he  doesn't  want  to 
go — it's  no  ase  persecuting  a  poor  devil  because  a  Frenchman." 

"  But  I  dare  say  he'd  enjoy  it  very  much,"  observed  Dribbler. 

"  Well,  then,  will  you  mount  him  ?  "  asked  Sir  Moses. 

"  Why  I  thou^^ht  i/oii  were  going  to  do  it,"  replied  Dribbler. 

*'  Me  mount  him  !  "  exlaimed  Sir  Moses,  throwing  out  his  ringed 
hands  iu  well- feigned  astonishment,  as  if  he  had  never  made  such 
an  offer — "  Jle  mount  him  !  why,  my  dear  fellow,  do  you  know 
how  many  people  I  have  to  mount  as  it  is  ?  Let  me  tell  you,"  con- 
tinued he,  counting  tlu  m  otF  on  his  fingers,  "  there's  Tom,  and 
there's  Harry,  and  there's  Joe,  and  there's  the  pad-groom  and  my- 
self, five  horses  out  every  day — generally  six,  when  I've  a  hack — 
six  horses  a  day,  four  days  a  week — if  that  isn't  enough,  I  don't 
know  what  is — dom'd  if  I  do,"  added  ho,  with  a  snort  and  a  de- 
termined jerk  of  his  head. 

"  Well,  but  we  can  manage  him  a  mount  among  us,  somehow,  I 
dare  say,"  persevered  Dribbler,  looking  round  upon  the  now  par- 
tially smoke-obscured  company. 

"  Oh  no,  let  him  alone,  poor  fellow  ;  let  him  alone,"  replied  Sir 
Moses,  coaxingly,  adding,  "  he  evidently  doesn't  wish  to  go — 
evidently  doesn't  wish  to  go." 

"  I  don't  know  that,"  exclaimed  Cuddy  FlintofF,  witha  knowing 
jerk  of  his  head  ;  "  I  don't  know  that — I  should  say  he's  rather  a 
y-o-o-i-cks  wind  'im  !  y-o-i-cks  push  'im  up !  sort  of  chap."  So 
saying,  Cuddy  drained  his  glass  to  the  dregs. 

"  1  should  say  you're  rather  a  y-o-i-eks  wind  'im — y-o-i-ckg 
drink 'im  up  sort  of  chap,"  replied  Sir  IMoses,  at  which  they  all 
laughed  heartily. 

Caddy  availed  himself  of  the  divertissement  to  make  another 
equally  strong  brew — saying,  "  It  was  put  there  to  drink,  wasn't 
it  ?"  at  which  they  all  laughed  again. 

Still  there  was  a  disposition  to  harp  upon  the  hunt — Dribbler 
tied  on  the  scent,  and  felt  disposed  to  lend  Jack  a  horse  if  nobody 
else  would.  So  he  threw  out  a  general  ol)servation,  that  he 
thought  they  could  manage  a  mount  fur  ]\Ionsieur  among  them. 

"  Well,  but  perhaps  his  master  mayn't  like  it,"  suggested  Sir 
Moses,  in  hopes  that  Billy  would  come  to  the  rescue. 

"0,  I  don't  care  about  it,"  replied  Billy,  with  an  air  of  indif- 
ference, who  would  have  been  glad  to  hunt  by  deputy  if  he  could, 
and  so  that  chance  fell  to  the  ground. 

"  Hoick  to  Governor  !  Hoick  to  Governor  !  "  cheered  Cuddy  at 
the  dechmition.  "Now  who'll  lend  him  a  horse?"  asked  he, 
taking  up  the  question.  "What  say  you.  Stub?"  ajipealiug 
to  Mr.  Stvongstuhble,  wIkj  gcnirallv  had  more  than  he  could  ride. 


824  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  He's  such  a  beefey  beggar,"  replied  Strongstnbble,  between  the 
whiifs  of  a  cigar. 

"  Oh,  ah,  aud  a  Frenchman  too  !  "  interposed  Sir  Moses,  "  he'll 
have  no  idea  of  saving  a  horse,  or  holding  a  horse  together,  or 
making  the  most  of  a  horse." 

"  Put  him  on  one  that  '11  take  care  of  himself,"  suggested 
Cuddy  ;  "  there's  your  old  Nutcracker  horse,  for  instance,"  added 
he,  addressing  himself  to  Harry  Waggett. 

"  Got  six  drachms  of  aloes,"  replied  Waggett,  drily. 

"  Or  your  Te-to-tum,  Booty,"  continued  Cuddy,  nothing  baffled 
by  the  failure. 

"  Lame  all  round,"  replied  Booty,  following  suit. 

"  Hut  you  and  your  lames,"  rejoined  Cuddy,  who  knew  better — 
"  I'll  tell  you  what  you  must  do  then,  Tommy,"  continued  he, 
addressing  himself  familiarly  to  Dribbler,  "  you  must  lend  him 
your  old  kicking  chestnut — the  very  horse  for  a  Frenchman," 
added  Cutty,  slapping  his  own  tight-trousered  leg — "you  send  the 
Shaver  to  the  Billet  in  the  morning  along  with  your  own  horse, 
and  old  Johnny  Crapaud  will  manage  to  get  there  somehow  or 
other — walk  if  he  can't  ride  :  shoemaker's  pony's  very  safe." 

"  Oh,  I'll  send  him  in  my  dog-cart  if  that's  all,"  exclaimed  Sir 
Moses,  again  waxing  generous. 

"  That  '11  do  !  That  '11  do  !  "  replied  Cuddy,  appealing  trium- 
phantly to  the  brandy.  Then  as  the  out-door  guests  began  to 
depart,  and  the  in-door  ones  to  wind  up  their  watches  and  ask 
about  breakfast,  Cuddy  took  advantage  of  one  of  Sir  Moses' 
momentary  absences  in  the  entrance  hall  to  walk  off  to  bed  with 
the  remainder  of  the  bottle  of  brandy,  observing,  as  he  hurried 
away,  that  he  was  "  apt  to  have  spasms  in  the  night "  ;  and  Sir 
Moses,  thinking  he  was  well  rid  of  him  at  the  price,  went  through 
the  ceremony  of  asking  the  *'  remaucts  "  if  they  would  take  any 
■more,  and  being  unanimously  answered  in  the  negative,  he  lit  the 
bedroom  candles,  tui'ued  off  the  moderateurs,  and  left  the  room  to 
darkness  and  to  Bankhead, 


CHAPTER    XXXIV. 

GOING  TO   COVER   WITH  THE   HOUNDS. 

How  different  a  place  generally  proves  to  what  we  anticipate, 
and  how  difficult  it  is  to  recall  our  expectations  after  we  have  once 
Keen  it,  unless  we  have  made  a  memorandum  beforehand.     How 


BILLY    PRINOLR    AND    JACK    ROGERS. 


u  -J. 


ASK    MAM31A.  225 

different  again  a  place  looks  in  the  morning  to  what  we  have  con- 
jectured over- night.  What  we  have  taken  for  towers  perhaps 
have  proved  to  be  trees,  and  the  large  lake  in  front  a  mere  floating 
mist. 

Pangbum  Park  had  that  loose  rakish  air  peculiar  to  rented 
places,  which  carry  a  sort  of  visible  contest  between  landlord  and 
tenant  on  the  fece  of  everything.  A  sort  of  "  it's  you  to  do  it, 
not  me  "  look.  It  showed  a  sad  want  of  paint  and  maintenance 
generally.  Sir  Moses  wasn't  the  man  to  do  anything  that  wasn't 
absolutely  necessary,  "  Dom'd  if  he  was,"  so  inside  and  outside 
were  pretty  much  alike. 

Our  friend  Billy  Pringle  was  not  a  man  of  much  observation  in 
rural  matters,  though  he  understood  the  cut  of  a  coat,  the  tie  of  a 
watcii-ribbon  cravat,  or  the  fit  of  a  collar  thoroughly.  We  are 
Borry  to  say  he  had  not  slept  very  well,  having  taken  too  much 
brandy  for  conformity's  sake,  added  to  which  his  bed  was  hard  and 
knotty,  and  the  finely  drawn  bolsters  and  pillows  all  piled  together, 
were  hardly  sufficient  to  raise  his  thobbing  temples.  As  he  lay 
tossing  and  turning  about,  thinking  now  of  Clara  Yammerton's 
beautiful  blue  eyes  and  exquisitely  rounded  figure,  now  of  Flora's 
bright  hair,  or  Harriet's  graceful  form,  the  dread  Monsieur  en- 
tered his  shabbily  furnished  bed-room,  with,  "Sare,  I  have  de 
pleasure  to  bring  you  your  pink  to-day,"  at  once  banishing  the 
beauties  and  recalling  the  over-night's  conversation,  the  frightful 
fences,  the  yawning  ditches,  the  bottomless  brooks,  with  the  unani- 
mous declaration  that  the  man  who  could  ride  over  Hit-im  and 
Uold-im-shire  could  ride  over  any  country  in  the  world.  And 
Billy  really  thought  if  he  could  get  over  the  horrors  of  that  day 
he  would  retire  from  the  purgatorial  pleasures  of  the  chace  alto- 
gether. 

With  this  wise  resolution  he  jumped  out  of  bed  with  the 
vigorous  determination  of  a  man  about  to  take  a  shower-bath, 
and  proceeded  to  invest  himself  in  the  only  mitigating  features 
of  the  chace,  the  red  coat  and  leathci's.  He  was  hardly  well 
in  them  y)e(ore  a  clamorous  bell  rang  for  breakfast,  quickly 
followed  by  a  knock  at  the  door,  announcing  that  it  was  on 
the  table. 

Sir  Moses  was  always  in  a  deuce  of  a  hurry  on  a  luinting  morn- 
ing. Our  hero  was  then  pivsently  performing  the  coming  down- 
stairs feat  he  is  represented  doing  at  page  147.  and  on  reaehiiig 
the  lower  regions  he  jumped  in  with  a  dish  of  fried  ham  which  led 
him  straight  to  the  breakfast  room. 

Here  Sir  ifoses  was  doing  all  things  at  once,  reading  the  "  Post," 
blowing  his  beak,  making  the  tea,  stirring  the  fire,  crumpling  his 
envelopes,  cussing  the  toast,  and   doming  the  ft)olman,  to  w)\)e.b 


226  ASK    MAMMA. 

numerous  avocations  he  now  added  the  pleasing  one  of  welcoming 
our  Billy. 

"  Weil  done  you  !  First  down,  I  do  declare  !  "  exclaimed  he, 
tendering  him  liis  left  hand,  his  right  one  being  occupied  with  his 
kerchief.  "  Sit  down,  and  let's  be  at  it,"  continued  he,  kicking  a 
rush-bottomed  chair  under  Billy  as  it  were,  adding  "  never  wait 
for  any  man  on  a  hunting  morning."  So  saying,  he  proceeded  to 
snatch  an  egg,  in  doing  which  he  upset  the  cream- jug.  "Dom 
the  thing,"  growled  he,  "  what  the  deuce  do  they  set  it  there  for. 
D'ye  take  tea  ?  "  now  asked  he,  pointing  to  the  tea-pot  with  his 
knife — "  or  coffee  ?  "  continued  he,  pointing  to  the  coffee-pot  with 
his  fork,  "  or  both  praps,"  added  he,  without  waiting  for  an 
answer  to  either  question,  but  pushing  both  pots  towards  his 
guest,  following  up  the  advance  with  ham,  eggs,  honey,  buns, 
butter,  bread,  toast,  jelly,  everything  within  reach,  until  he  got 
Billy  fairly  blocked  with  good  things,  when  he  again  set-to 
on  his  own  account,  munching  and  crunching,  and  ended  by 
nearly  dragging  all  the  contents  of  the  table  on  to  the  floor 
by  catching  the  cloth  with  his  spur  as  he  got  up  to  go 
away. 

He  then  went  doming  and  scuttling  out  of  the  room,  charging 
Billy  if  he  meant  to  go  with  the  hounds  to  "  look  sharp." 

During  his  absence  Stephen  Booty  and  Mv.  Silverthorn  came 
dawdling  into  the  room,  taking  it  as  easy  as  men  generally  do  who 
have  their  horses  on  and  don't  care  much  about  hunting. 

Indeed  Silverthorn  never  disguised  that  he  would  rather  have 
his  covers  under  plough  than  under  gorse,  and  was  always  talking 
about  the  rent  he  lost,  which  he  estimated  at  two  pounds  an  acre, 
and  Sir  Moses  at  ten  shillings. 

Finding  the  coast  clear,  they  now  rang  for  fresh  ham,  fresh  eggs, 
fresh  tea,  fresh  everything,  and  then  took  to  pumping  Billy  as  to 
his  connection  with  the  house.  Sir  ]\Ioscs  having  made  him  out 
over  night  to  be  a  son  of  Sir  Jonathan  Pringle's,  with  whom  he 
sometimes  claimed  cousinship,  and  they  wanted  to  get  a  peep  at 
the  baronetage  if  they  could.  In  the  midst  of  their  subtle  exami- 
nation, Sir  Moses  came  hurrying  back,  whip  in  one  hand,  hat  m 
the  other,  throwing  open  the  door,  with,  "  Now,  are  you  ready  ?  " 
to  Billy,  and  "morning,  gentlemen,"  to  Booty  and  Silverthorn. 

Then  Billy  rose  with  tlie  desperate  energy  of  a  man  going  to  a 
dentist's,  and  seizing  his  cap  and  whip  off  the  entrance  table,  fol- 
lowed Sir  ]\Ioses  through  the  intricacies  cf  the  back  passages 
leading  to  the  stables,  nearly  falliug  over  a  coal-scuttle  as  he  went. 
They  presently  changed  the  tuimel-like  darkness  of  the  passage 
into  tlie  garish  liglit  of  day,  by  the  opening  of  the  dirty  back 
door. 


AUK    MAMMA.  227 

Descending  the  little  flight  of  stone  steps,  they  then  entered  the 
stable-yard,  now  enlivened  with  red  coats  and  the  usual  concomi- 
tants of  hounds  leaving  home.  There  was  then  an  increased 
commotion,  stable-doors  flying  open,  from  which  arch-necked 
horses  emerged,  pottering  and  feeling  for  their  legs  as  they  went. 
Off  the  cobble-stone  pavement,  and  on  to  the  grass  grown  soft  of 
the  centre,  they  stood  more  firm  and  unflinching.  Then  Sir  Moses 
took  one  horse,  Tom  Findlater  another,  Harry  the  first  whip  a 
third,  Joe  the  second  whip  a  fourth,  while  the  blue-coated  pad 
groom  came  trotting  round  on  foot  from  the  back  stables,  between 
Sir  Moses's  second  horse  and  Napoleon  the  Great. 

Billy  dived  at  his  horse  without  look  or  observation,  and  tlie 
clang  of  departure  being  now  at  its  height,  the  sash  of  a  second- 
floor  window  flew  up,  and  a  white  cotton  night-capped  hesn) 
appeared  bellowing  out,  "  Y-o-i-cJcs  ivincl  ^im  !  y-o-i-cks  push  Vm 
lip  ! "  adding,  "  Dichi't  I  tell  ye  it  was  going  to  be  a  hunting 
morning  ?  " 

"Ay,  ay,  Cuddy  you  did,"  replied  Sir  Moses  laughing,  muttering 
as  he  went  :  "  That's  about  the  extent  of  your  doings." 

"  He'll  be  late,  won't  he  ?  "  asked  Billy,  spurring  up  alongside 
of  the  Baronet. 

"Oh,  he's  only  an  afternoon  sportsman  that," replied  Sir  Moses; 
adding,  "  he's  greatest  alter  dinner." 

"  Indeed  ! "  mused  Billy,  who  had  looked  upon  him  with  the 
respect  due  to  a  regular  flyer,  a  man  who  could  ride  over  Hib-im 
and  Hold-im-shire  itself. 

The  reverie  was  presently  interrupted  by  the  throwing  open  of 
the  kennel  door,  and  the  clamorous  rush  of  the  glad  ])ack  to  the 
advancing  red  coats,  making  the  green  sward  look  quite  gay  and 
joyful. 

"  Gently,  there  !  gently  !  "  cried  T(>m  Findlater,  and  first  and 
second  whips  falling  into  places,  Tom  gathered  his  horse  together 
and  trotted  briskly  along  the  side  of  the  ill-kc])t  carriage  road, 
and  on  through  the  dilapidated  lodges  :  a  tattered  hat  protruding 
through  the  window  of  one,  and  two  brown  paper  panes  supplying 
the  place  of  glass  in  the  other.  They  then  got  upon  the  higli 
road,  and  the  firy  edge  being  taken  oil'  both  hounds  and  horses, 
Tom  relaxed  into  the  old  post-boy  pace,  while  Sir  ]\Ioses  ])rocecded 
to  interrogate  him  as  to  the  state  of  the  kennel  generally,  how 
Rachael's  feet  were,  whether  Prosperous  was  any  better,  if 
Abelard  iiad  found  his  way  lumie,  and  when  Sultan  would  be  fit  to 
come  out  again. 

They  then  got  upon  other  topics  connected  with  the  chace,  such 
Bs,  wiio  the  man  was  that  liariy  saw  sliooting  in  Tinklei-field 
covei' ;  if  Mrs.  Swan  had  said  anythinii;  inoreabout  her  confminded 


228  ASK    MAMMA. 

poultry ;  and  whetlicr  Ned  Smith  the  rat-catcher  would  take  half 
a  sovereign  for  his  terrier  or  not. 

Having  at  length  got  all  he  could  out  of  Tom,  Sir  Moses  then 
let  the  hounds  flow  past  him,  while  he  held  back  for  our  Billy  to 
come  up.  They  were  presently  trotting  along  together  a  little  in 
the  rear  of  Joe,  the  second  whip. 

"  I've  surely  seen  that  horse  before,"  at  length  observed  Sir 
Moses,  after  a  prolonged  stare  at  our  friend's  steed. 

"  Very  likely,"  replied  Billy,  "  I  bought  him  of  the 
Major." 

"  The  deuce  you  did  !  "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  "  then  that's  the 
horse  young  Tabberton  had." 

"  What,  you  know  him,  do  you  ?  "  asked  Billy. 

"  Know  him  !  I  should  think  so,"  rejoined  Moses  ;  "  everybody 
knows  him." 

"  Indeed  ! "  observed  Billy,  wondering  whether  for  good  or 
evil. 

"  I  dare  say,  now,  the  ]\Iajor  would  make  you  give  thirty,  or 
five-and-thirty  pounds  for  that  horse,"  observed  Sir  Moses,  after 
another  good  stare. 

"  Far  more  !  "  replied  Billy,  gaily,  who  was  rather  proud  of 
having  given  a  hundred  guineas. 

"  Far  more  !  "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses  with  energy  ;  "  far  more  ! 
Ah  ! "  added  he,  with  a  significant  shake  of  the  head,  "  he's  an 
excellent  man,  the  Major — an  excellent  man, — but  a  feetletoo  keen 
in  the  matter  of  horses." 

Just  at  this  critical  moment  Tommy  Heslop  of  Hawthorndean, 
who  had  been  holding  back  in  Crow-Tree  Lane  to  let  the  hounda 
pass,  now  emerged  from  his  halting-place  with  a  "Good  morning. 
Sir  Moses,  here's  a  fine  hunting  morning  ?  " 

"  Good  morniug,  Tommy,  good  morning,"  replied  Sir  Moses, 
extending  his  right  hand  ;  for  Tommy  was  a  five-and-twenty 
pounder  besides  giving  a  cover,  and  of  course  was  deserving  of 
every  encouragement. 

The  salute  over,  Sir  Moses  then  introduced  our  friend  Billy, — 
"  Mr.  Pringle,  a  Featherbedfordshire  gentleman,  ISlr.  Heslop," 
which  immediately  excited  Tommy's  curiosity — not  to  say  jealousy 
— for  the  "  Billet "  was  very  "  contagious,"  for  several  of  the 
Peer's  men,  who  always  brought  their  best  horses,  and  did  as  much 
mischief  as  they  could,  and  after  ever  so  good  a  run,  declared  it 
was  nothing  to  talk  of.  Tonnny  thought  Billy's  horse  would  not 
take  much  cutting  down,  whatever  the  rider  might  do.  Indeed, 
tlie  good  steed  looked  anything  but  formidable,  showing  that  a 
bad  stable,  though  "  only  for  one  night,"  may  have  a  considerable 
elTect  upon  a  horse.     His  coat  was  dull  and  henfeathcred ;  his  eye 


ASK  MAMMA.  229 

was  watery,  and  after  several  premonitory  sneezes,  he  at  length 
mastered  a  cough.  Even  Billy  thought  he  felt  rather  less  of  a 
horse  under  him  than  he  liked.  Still  he  didn't  think  much  of  a 
cough.  **  Only  a  slight  cold,"  as  a  young  lady  says  when  she 
wants  to  go  to  a  ball. 

Three  horsemen  in  front,  two  black  coats  and  a  red,  and  two 
reds  joining  the  turnpike  from  the  "Witchberry  road,  increased  the 
cavalcade  and  exercised  Sir  Moses'  ingenuity  in  appropriating 
backs  and  boots  and  horses.  "  That's  Simon  Smith,"  said  he  to 
himself,  eyeing  a  pair  of  desperately  black  tops  dangling  below  a 
very  plumb-coloured,  long-backed,  short-lapped  jacket.  "  Ah  I 
and  Tristram  Wood,"  added  he,  now  recognising  his  companion. 
He  then  drew  gradually  upon  them  and  returned  their  salutes  with 
an  extended  wave  of  the  hand  that  didn't  look  at  all  like  money. 
Sir  Moses  then  commenced  speculating  on  the  foremost  group. 
There  was  Peter  Linch  and  Charley  Drew ;  but  who  was  the  fellow 
in  black  ?     He  couldn't  make  out. 

"  Who's  the  man  in  black,  Tommy  ?  "  at  length  asked  he  of 
Tommy  Heslop. 

"Don't  know,"  replied  Tommy,  after  scanning  the  stninger 
attentively. 

"  It  can't  be  that  nasty  young  Rowley  Abingdon  ;  and  yet  I 
believe  it  is,"  continued  Sir  jMoses,  eyeing  him  attentively,  and 
seeing  that  he  did  not  belong  to  the  red  couple,  who  evidently 
kept  aloof  from  him.  "  It  is  that  nasty  young  Abingdon,"  added 
he.  "  Wonder  at  his  impittance  in  coming  out  with  me.  It's 
only  the  other  day  that  ugly  old  Owl  of  a  father  of  his  killed  me 
young  Cherisher,  the  best  hound  in  my  pack,"  whereupon  the 
Baronet  began  grinding  his  teeth,  and  brewing  a  little  politeness 
wherewith  to  bespatter  the  young  Owl  as  he  passed.  The  fore- 
most horses  hanging  back  to  let  their  friends  the  hounds  overtake 
tliem,  Sir  IMoses  was  presently  alongside  tlie  black  coat,  and 
finding  he  was  right  in  his  conjecture  as  to  wlio  it  contained,  he 
returned  the  youth's  awkward  salute  with,  "Well,  my  man,  how 
d'ye  do  ?  hope  you're  well.  How's  your  father  ?  hope  he's 
well,"  adding,  "  dom  'ira,  he  should  be  hung,  and  you  may 
tell  'im  I  said  so."  Sir  jMoses  then  felt  his  horse  gentl} 
with  his  heel,  and  trotted  on  to  salute  the  red  couple.  And 
thus  he  passed  from  singles  to  douljles,  and  from  doubles  to 
triples,  and  from  triples  to  quartets,  and  back  to  singles  again, 
including  the  untold  occupants  of  various  vehicles,  until  the  ninth 
niilestcne  on  the  Bushniead  road,  announced  tlieir  approach  to  the 
Crooked  BilU't.  Tom  Findlater  then  pulled  u]i  from  the  postboy 
]()g  into  a  wallc,  at  which  pace  he  turned  into  the  little  green  field 
on  the  left  of  the  blut,'  and   <^old   swiniring  sign.     Here  he  was 


230 


ASK    MAMMA. 


received  by  the  earthsfcopper,  the  antedihiviau  ostler,  and  other 
great  officers  of  state.  But  for  Sir  Moses'  presence  the  question 
would  then  have  been  "  What  will  you  have  to  drink  ?  "  That 
however  being  interdicted,  they  raised  a  discussion  about  the 
weather,  one  insisting  that  it  was  going  to  be  a  frost ;  another, 
that  it  was  going  to  be  nothing  of  the  sort. 


CHAPTER    XXXV. 


THE   31EKT. 


^V 


'  PARTANT   PDUR    I, A    SYRrK. 


THE  Crooked  Billet 
Hotel  and  Posting 
house,  on  the  Bush- 
mead  road  had  been 
severed  from  society 
by  the  Crumpletin 
Railway.  It  had 
indeed  been  cut  off 
in  the  prime  of  life : 
for  Joe  Cherriper, 
the  velvet  -  collared 
doeskin-gloved  Jehu 
of  the  fast  Regulator 
Coach,  had  backed 
his  opinion  of  the 
preference  of  the 
public  for  horse 
transit  over  steam, 
by  laying  out 
several  hundred 
pounds  of  his 
the  surveyors  were 


accumulated  fees  upon  the  premises,  just   as 
setting  out  the  line. 

"A  rally  might  be  andy  enough  for  goods  and  eavy  marchandise," 
Joe  said;  "but  as  to  gents  ever  travellin  by  sich  contraband  means, 
that  was  utterly  and  entirely  out  of  the  question.  Never  would 
appen  so  long  as  there  was  a  well-appointed  coach  like  the  Regu- 
lator to  be  ad."  So  Joe  laid  on  the  green  paint  and  the  white 
paint,  and  furbished  up  the  sign  until  it  glittered  resplendent  in 
the  rays  of  the  mid-day  sun.  But  greater  prophets  than  Joe  have 
been  iiii&Laken. 


ASK    MAMMA.  231 

One  fine  summer's  afternoon  a  snorting  steam-engine  came 
puffing  and  panting  through  the  country  upon  a  private  road  of 
its  own,  drawing  after  it  the  accumulated  rank,  beauty,  and  fashion 
of  a  wide  district  to  open  the  railway,  which  presently  sucked  up 
all  the  trade  and  traffic  of  the  country.  The  Crooked  Billet  fell 
from  a  first-class  way-side  house  at  which  eight  coaches  changed 
horses  twice  a-day,  into  a  very  seedy  unfrequented  place — a  vct^/ 
different  one  to  what  it  was  when  our  hero's  mother,  then  Miss 
Willing,  changed  horses  on  travelling  up  in  the  Old  True  Blue 
Independent,  on  the  auspicious  day  that  she  captured  Mr.  Pringle. 
Still  it  was  visited  with  occasional  glimpses  of  its  former  greatness 
in  the  way  of  the  meets  of  the  hounds,  when  the  stables  were 
filled,  and  the  long-deserted  rooms  raug  with  the  revelry  of  visitors. 
This  was  its  first  gala-day  of  the  season,  and  several  of  the  Feather- 
bedfordshire  gentlemen  availed  themselves  of  the  fineness  of  the 
weather  to  see  Sir  Moses'  hounds,  and  try  whether  they,  too,  could 
ride  over  Ilit-im  and  Hold-im  shire. 

The  hounds  had  scarcely  had  their  roll  on  the  greensward,  and 
old  black  Challenger  proclaimed  their  arrival  with  his  usual  deep- 
toned  vehemence,  ere  all  the  converging  roads  and  lanes  began 
pouring  in  their  tributaries,  and  the  space  before  the  bay-windowed 
red  brick-built  "  Billet "  was  soon  blocked  with  gentlemen  on 
horseback,  gentlemen  in  Malvern  dog-carts,  gentlemen  in  Newport 
Pagnclls,  gentlemen  in  Croydon  clothcsbaskets,  some  divesting 
themselves  of  their  wraps,  some  stretching  themselves  after  their 
drive,  some  calling  for  brandy,  some  for  baccy,  some  for  both 
brandy  and  baccy. 

Then  followed  the  usual  inquiries,  "  Is  Dobbinson  coming  ?  " 
"  Where's  the  Damper  ? "  "  Has  anybody  seen  anything  of 
Gameboy  Green  ? "  Next,  the  heavily  laden  family  vehicles 
began  to  arrive,  containing  old  fat  paterfamilias  in  the  red  coat 
of  his  youth,  with  his  *'  missis  "  by  his  side,  and  a  couple  of 
buxom  daughters  behind,  one  of  whom  will  be  installed  in  the 
driving  seat  when  ])a])a  resigns.  Tlius  we  have  the  Mellows  of 
Mawdsley  Hill,  the  Chalkcrs  of  Streetley,  and  the  Richleys  of 
Jollyduck  Park,  and  the  cry  is  still,  "  They  come  !  they  come  I " 
It  is  going  to  be  a  bumpei-  meet,  for  the  foxes  are  famous,  and  the 
sight  of  a  good  "get  away"  is  worth  a  dozen  Lcgcrs  put  together. 

See  here  comes  a  nice  quiet-looking  little  old  gentleman  in  a 
well-brushed,  flat-brimmed  hat,  a  bird's-eye  cravat,  a  dark  grey 
coat  buttoned  over  a  step-collared  toilanette  vest,  nearly  matching 
in  hue  his  delicate  cream-coloured  leathers,  who  everybody  staix's 
at  and  then  salutes,  as  he  lifts  first  one  rose-tinted  top  and  then 
the  other,  working  his  way  through  the  crowd,  on  a  thorough-hred 
Buafilu-brHlled  hay.     He  now  makes  up  Lu  Sir  Moses,  who  exclaim« 


232  ASK    MAMMA. 

as  the  raised  liat  shows  the  familiar  blue-eyed  face,  *'  Ah  !  Dicky 
my  man  !  how  d'ye  do  ?  glad  to  see  you  ?  "  and  taking  oflf  his 
glove  the  Baronet  .c^ives  our  old  friend  Bogglodike  a  hearty  shake 
of  the  hand.  Dicky  acknowledges  the  honour  with  becoming 
reverence,  and  then  begins  talking  of  sport  and  the  splendid  runs 
they  have  been  having,  while  Sir  Moses,  instead  of  listening,  cons 
over  some  to  give  him  in  return. 

But  who  have  we  here  sitting  so  square  in  the  tandem-like  dog- 
cart, drawn  by  the  high-stepping,  white-legged  bay  with  sky-blue 
rosettes,  and  long  streamers,  doing  the  pride  that  apes  humility  in 
a  white  Macinto.sli,  that  shows  the  pink  collar  to  great  advantage? 
Imperial  John,  we  do  believe  ? 

Imperial  John,  it  is  !  He  has  come  all  the  way  from  Barley 
Hill  Hall,  leaving  the  people  on  the  farm  and  the  plate  in  the 
drawing-room  to  take  care  of  themselves,  starting  before  daylight, 
while  his  footman  groom  has  lain  out  over  night  to  the  serious 
detriment  of  a  half  sovereign.  As  John  now  pulls  up,  with  a 
trace-rattling  ring,  he  cocks  his  Imperial  chin  and  looks  round  for 
applause — a  "  Well  done,  you  !  "  or  something  of  that  sort,  for 
coming  such  a  distance.  Instead  of  that,  a  line  of  winks,  and 
nods,  and  nudges,  follow  his  course,  one  man  whispering  another, 
*'  I  say,  here's  old  Imperial  John,"  or  "  I  say,  look  at  Miss  de 
Glancey's  boy  ;  "  while  the  young  ladies  turn  their  eyes  languidly 
upon  him  to  see  what  sort  of  a  hero  the  would-be  Benedict  is. 
His  Highness,  however,  has  quite  got  over  his  de  Glancey  failure, 
and  having  wormed  his  way  after  divers  "with  your  leaves,"  and 
"  by  your  leaves,"  through  the  intricacies  of  the  crowd,  he  now 
pulls  up  at  the  inn  door,  and  standing  erect  in  his  dog-cart,  sticks 
his  whip  in  the  socket,  and  looks  around  with  a  "This  is  Mr.  Hybrid 
the-friend-of-an-Earl  "  sort  of  air. 

"Ah  !  Hybrid,  how  d'ye  do  ?  "  now  exclaims  Sir  Moses  fami- 
liarly ;  "hope  you're  -well? — how's  the  Peer?  hope  he's  well. 
Come  all  the  way  from  Barley  Hill  ?  " 

"  Barley  Hill  Hall,'''  replies  the  great  man  with  an  emphasis  on 
the  Hall,  adding  in  the  same  breath,  "  Oi  say,  ostler,  send  moy 
fellow  !  "  whereupon  there  is  a  renewed  nudging  and  whispering 
among  the  ladies  beside  him,  of  "  That's  Mr.  Hybrid !  "  "  That's 
Imperial  John,  the  gentleman  who  wanted  to  marry  Miss  de 
Glancey ;"  for  though  Miss  de  Glancey  was  far  above  having  him, 
she  was  not  above  proclaiming  the  offer. 

His  Highness  then  becomes  an  object  of  inquisitive  scrutiny 
by  the  fair  ;  one  thinking  he  might  do  for  Lavinia  Edwards  ; 
another,  for  Sarah  Bates  ;  a  third,  for  Bachel  Bell  ;  a  fourth, 
pcrhnps,  for  herself.  It  must  be  a  poor  creature  that  isn't  booked 
fur  Boiutjljudy. 


ASK    MAMMA.  233 

Still,  John  stands  erect  in  his  vehicle,  flourishing  his  whip, 
hallooing  and  asking  for  his  fellow. 

"  Ring  the  bell  for  moy  fellow  ! — Do  go  for  nioy  fellow  ! — 
Has  anybody  seen  moy  fellow?  Have  you  seen  moy  fellow?" 
addressing  an  old  smock-frockcd  countryman  with  a  hoe  in  his 
hand. 

"Nor,  arm  d — d  if  ivcr  ar  i  did!"  replied  the  veteran,  looking 
him  over,  a  declaration  that  elicited  a  burst  of  laughter  from  the 
bystanders,  and  an  indignant  chuck  of  the  Imperial  chin  from 
our  John. 

"  2\ceet,  tweet,  tweet !  "  who  have  we  here  ?  All  eyes  turn  up 
the  Cherryburn  road ;  the  roused  hounds  prick  their  ears,  and 
are  with  difficulty  restrained  from  breaking  away.  It's  Walker, 
the  cross  postman's  gig,  and  he  is  treating  himself  to  a  twang  of 
the  horn.  But  who  has  he  with  him  ?  Who  is  the  red  arm-folded 
man  lolling  with  as  much  dignity  as  the  contracted  nature  of  the 
vehicle  will  allow  ?  A  man  in  red,  with  cap  and  beard,  and  all 
complete.  Why  it's  Monsieur  !  Monsieur  coming  in  formci 
pauperis,  after  Sir  Moses'  liberal  offer  to  send  him  to  cover, — 
Monsieur  in  a  faded  old  sugar-loaf  shaped  cap,  and  a  scanty  coat 
that  would  have  been  black  if  it  hadn't  been  red. 

Still  Walker  trots  him  up  like  a  man  proud  of  his  load  amid 
the  suppressed  titters  and  ''  Who's  this  ?  "  of  the  company.  Sir 
Moses  immediately  vouchsafes  him  protection — by  standing  erect 
in  his  stirrups,  and  exclaiming  with  a  waive  of  his  right  hand, 
"  Ah,  Monsieur  !  comment  vous  portez-vous  ?  " 

"Pretty  bobbish,  I  teuk  you,  sare,  opes  you  are  veil  yourself 
and  all  de  leetle  Maiuchances,"  replied  Monsieur,  rising  in  the 
gig,  showing  the  scrimpness  of  his  coat  and  the  amplitude  of  his 
cinnamon-coloured  peg-top  trousers,  thrust  into  green-topped 
opera-boots,  much  in  the  style  of  old  Paul  Pry.  Having  put 
something  into  Walker's  hand,  Monsieur  alights  with  due  caution 
and  Walker  whipping  on,  presently  shows  the  gilt  "  V.  R."  on  the 
back  of  his  red  gig  as  he  works  his  way  through  the  separating 
crowd.  Walker  claims  to  be  one  of  Her  Majesty's  servants  ;  if 
not  to  rank  next  to  Lord  Palmerston,  at  all  events  not  to  be  far 
below  him.  And  now  Monsieur  being  left  to  himself,  thrusts  his 
Malacca  cane  whip  stick  under  his  arm,  and  drawing  on  a  pair  of 
half-dirty  primrose-coloured  kid  gloves,  pokes  into  the  crowd  in 
search  of  his  horse,  making  up  to  every  disengaged  one  he  saw, 
with  "  Is  dee's  for  me  ?  Is  dee's  for  me  ?  " 

Meanwhile  Imperial  John  having  emancipated  himself  from  his 
Mackintosh,  and  had  his  horse  placed  becomingly  at  the  step  of  the 
dog-cart,  so  as  to  transfer  himself  without  alighting,  and  let 
everybody  see  the  magnificence  of  the  e^^iublishment,  now  souces 


234  ASK    MAMMA. 

himself  into  the  saddle  of  a  fairish  young  grey,  and  turna 
round  to  confront  the  united  field  ;  feeling  by  no  means  the 
smallest  man  in  the  scene.  "  Hybrid ! "  exclaims  Sir  Moses, 
seeing  him  approach  the  still  dismounted  Monsieur,  "  Hybrid  !  lefc 
me  introduce  my  friend  Eougier,  Monsieur  Rougier,  Mr.  Hybrid  ! 
of  Barley  Hill  Hall,  a  great  friend  of  Lord  Ladythorne's,"  where- 
upon off'  went  the  faded  sugar-loaf-shaped  cap,  and  down  came  the 
Imperial  hat.  Sir  Moses  interlarding  the  ceremony  with,  "great 
friend  of  Louis  Nap's,  great  friend  of  Louis  Nap's,"  by  way  of 
balancing  the  Ladythorne  recommendation  of  John.  The  two 
then  struck  up  a  most  energetic  conversation,  each  being  uncom- 
monly taken  with  the  other.  John  almost  fancied  he  saw  his  way 
to  the  Tuileries,  and  wondered  what  Miss  "  somebody  "  would  say 
if  he  got  there. 

The  conversation  was  at  length  interrupted  by  Dribbler's 
grinning  groom  touching  Jack  behind  as  he  came  up  with  a 
chestnut  horse,  and  saying,  "  Please,  Sir,  here's  your  screw." 

"  Ah,  my  screw,  is  it !  "  replied  Jack,  turning  round,  "  dat  is  a 
queer  name  for  a  horse — screw — hopes  he's  a  good  'un." 

"  A  good  'un,  and  nothin'  but  a  good  'un,"  replied  the  groom, 
giving  him  a  punch  in  the  ribs,  to  make  him  form  up  to  Jack,  an 
operation  that  produced  an  ominous  grunt. 

"  Yell ''  said  Jack,  proceeding  to  dive  at  the  stirrup  with  his 
foot  without  taking  hold  of  the  reins  ;  "  if  Screw  is  a  good  'un  I 
sail  make  yoii  handsome  present— tuppence  a  penny,  p'raps 
— if  he's  a  bad  'un,  I  sail  give  you  good  crack  on  the  skoll,"  Jack 
flourishing  his  thick  whipstick  as  he  spoke. 

"Will  you  !  "  replied  the  man,  leaving  go  of  the  rein,  where- 
upon down  went  the  horse's  head,  up  went  his  heels,  and  Jack 
was  presently  on  his  shoulder. 

"  Oh,  de  devil !  "  roared  Jack,  "  he  vill  distribute  me  !  he  vill 
distribute  me  !  I  vill  be  killed  !  Nobody  sail  save  me  !  here, 
gargon,  grum  ! "  roared  he  amid  the  mirth  of  the  company. 
"  Lay  'old  of  his  'ead  !  lay  'old  of  his  'ocks  !  lay  'old  of  'eels  ! 
Oh,  murder  !  murder !  "  continued  he  in  well-feigned  dismay, 
throwing  out  his  supplicating  arms.  Off  jumped  Imperial  John 
to  the  rescue  of  his  friend,  and  seizing  the  dangling  rein,  chucked 
up  the  horse's  head  with  a  resolute  jerk  that  restored  Jack  to  his 
seat. 

"  Ah,  my  friend,  I  see  you  are  not  much  used  to  the  saddle," 
observed  His  Highness,  proceeding  to  console  the  friend  of  an 
Emperor. 

"  Veil,  sare,  I  am,  and  I  am  not,"  replied  Jack,  mopping  his  brow, 
and  pretending  to  regain  his  composure,  "  I  am  used  to  de  leetle 
'orse  at  de  round-about  at  de  fair,  I  can  carry  off"  de  ring  ten  time 


ASK    MAMMA.  238 

ont  of  twice,  but  these  great  unruly,  unmannerly,  nndutiful 
screws  are  more  than  a  match  for  old  Hany." 

"  Just  so,"  assented  His  Highness,  with  a  chuck  of  his  Imperial 
chin,  "  just  so ;"  adding  in  an  under-tonc,  "then  I'll  tell  you  what 
we'll  do — I'll  tell  you  what  we'll  do — we'll  pop  into  the  bar  at 
the  back  of  the  house,  and  have  a  glass  of  something  to  strengthen 
our  nerves." 

"  By  all  means,  sarc,"  replied  Jack,  who  was  always  ready  for 
a  glass.  So  they  quietly  turned  the  comer,  leaving  the  field  to 
settle  their  risible  faculties,  while  they  summoned  the  pretty  cork- 
screw ringletted  Miss  Tubbs  to  their  behests. 

"  What  shall  it  be  ? "  asked  Imperial  John,  as  the  smiling 
young  lady  tripped  down  the  steps  to  where  they  stood. 

"  Brandy,"  replied  Jack,  with  a  good  English  accent. 

"  Two  brandies  ! "  demanded  Imperial  John,  with  an  air  of 
authority. 

"  Cold,  iviih  ?  "  asked  the  lady,  eyeing  Monsieur's  grim  visage. 

"  Neat  1 "  exclaimed  Jack  in  a  tone  of  disdain. 

"  Yes,  Sir,"  assented  the  lady,  bustling  away. 

'*  Shilling  glasses  !  "  roared  Jack,  at  the  last  flounce  of  her  blue 
muslin. 

Presently  she  returned  bearing  two  glasses  of  very  brown 
brandy,  and  each  having  appropriated  one,  Jack  began  grinning 
and  bowing  and  complimenting  the  donor. 

"Sare,"  said  he,  after  smelling  at  the  beloved  liquor,  *'I  have 
mocli  pleasure  in  making  your  quaintance.  I  am  moch  pleased, 
sare,  with  the  expression  of  your  mog.  I  tink,  sare,  you  are  de 
'andsomest  man  I  never  had  de  pleasure  of  lookiu'  at.  If,  sare, 
dey  had  you  in  my  country,  sare,  dey  vod  make  you  a  King — 
Emperor,  I  mean.  I  drink,  sare,  your  vare  good  health,"  so 
saying.  Jack  swigged  oft'  the  contents  oi  his  glass  at  a  draught. 

Imperial  John  felt  constrained  to  do  the  same. 

"Better  now,"  observed  Jack,  rubbing  his  stomach  as  the 
liquid  fire  began  to  descend.  "  Better  now,"  repeated  he,  with  a 
jerk  of  his  head,  "  Sare,"  continued  he,  "  I  sail  return  the  com- 
pliment— I  sail  treat  you  to  a  glass." 

Imperial  John  would  rather  not.  He  was  a  glass  of  sherry  and 
a  biscuit  sort  of  man  ;  but  Monsieur  was  not  to  be  balked  in  his 
liberality.  "  Ob,  yes,  sare,  make  me  de  pleasure  to  accept  a 
glass,"  continued  Jack,  "  Here  !  Jemima  !  ^Matilda  !  Adelaide  ! 
vot  the  doose  do  they  call  de  young  vomans — look  sharp,"  added 
he,  as  she  now  reappeared.  '*Apportez,  dat  is  to  say,  bring  tout 
suite,  directly  ;  two  more  glasses  ;  dis  gentlemans  vill  be  goode 
enough  to  drink  my  vare  good  'ealth." 

"Ci  rtainly,"  replied  the  smiling  lady,  tripping  away  for  thcin. 


236  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  Ah,  sare,  it  is  de  stoff  to  make  de  air  corl,"  obserred  Jack, 
eyeing  his  new  acquaintance.  "  Ye  sail  go  like  old  chaff  before 
the  vind  after  it.     Vill  catch  de  fox  myself." 

The  first  glass  had  nearly  upset  our  Imperial  friend,  and  the 
second  one  appeared  perfectly  nauseous.  He  would  give  anything 
that  Jack  would  drink  them  both  himself.  However,  Monsieur 
motioned  blue  muslin  to  present  the  tray  to  John  first,  so  he  had 
no  alternative  but  to  accept.  Jack  then  took  his  glass,  and 
smacking  his  lips,  said — "  I  looks,  sare,  towards  you,  sare,  vith  all 
de  respect  due  to  your  immortal  country.  De  English,  sare,  are 
de  finest  nation  under  de  moon  ;  and  you,  sare,  and  you  are  aa 
fine  a  specimens  of  dat  nation  as  never  vas  seen.  Two  such  mans 
as  you,  sare,  could  have  taken  Sebastopol.  You  could  vop  all  de 
ell  ound  savage  Sepoys  by  yourself.  So  now,  sare,"  continued 
Jack,  brandishing  his  glass,  "  make  ready,  preseut,  Jire  !  "  and  at 
the  word  fire,  he  drained  off  his  glass,  and  then  held  it  upside 
down  to  show  he  had  emptied  it. 

Poor  Imperial  John  was  obliged  to  follow  suit. 

The  Imperial  head  now  began  to  swim.  Mr.  Hybrid  saw 
two  girls  in  blue  muslin,  two  ISIonsieurs,  two  old  yellow  Po- 
chaises,  two  water-carts  with  a  Cochin-China  cock  a  gollowing 
a-top  of  each. 

Jack,  on  the  contrary,  was  quite  comfortable.  He  had  got  his 
nerves  strung,  and  was  now  ready  for  anything.  "S'pose,  now," 
said  he,  addressing  his  staring,  half-bewildered  friend,  "  you 
ascend  your  gallant  grey,  and  let  us  look  after  dese  mighty 
chasseurs.  But  stop,"  added  he,  "  I  vill  first  pay  for  de  tipple," 
pretending  to  dive  into  his  peg-top  trousers  pocket  for  his  purse. 
"Ah!  malheureusement,''  exclaimed  he,  after  feeling  them  both. 
"  I  have  left  my  blont,  my  tin,  in  my  oder  trousers  pockets. 
Navare  mind  !  navare  mind,"  continued  he,  gaily,  "  ve  vill  square  it 
op  some  other  day.  Here,"  added  he  to  the  damsel,  "dis  gentle- 
mens  vill  pay,  and  I  vill  settle  vid  him  some  oder  day — some  oder 
day."  So  saying.  Jack  gathered  his  horse  boldly  together,  and 
spurred  out  of  the  inn-yard  in  a  masterly  way,  singing  Partant 
pour  la  Sijrk  as  he  went. 


ASK    MAMMA. 


237 


CHAPTER    XXXVI. 


A    IJIHDS    KVK    VIEW. 

HE  friends  re- 
appeared a  t 
the  front  of 
the  Crooked 
Billet  Hotel 
when  the 
whole  caval- 
cade had 
swept  away, 
leaving  only 
the  return 
ladies,  and 
siujli  of  the 
f;'  r o 0  m  s  as 
meant  to  have 
a  drink,  now 
that  "  master 
was  safe." 
Sir  Moses  had 
not  paid  eitluir 
Louis  Napo- 
leon's or  Jjord 
Tiadythorno's  friend,  the  compliiii  Mit  of  waiting"  foi"  thoni.  On 
the  contrary,  havini^  hailed  tlie  last  heavy  subscriber  who  was 
in  the  habit  of  using  the  Cro(jked  IJillet  meet,  he  hallooed  the 
huntsman  to  trot  briskly  away  down  Rickleton  Lane,  and  across 
lieechani  pastures,  as  well  to  shake  olf  the  foot-people,  as  to 
prevent  any  attem])ted  attendance  on  the  part  of  the  carriage 
company.  Sir  Moses,  though  very  gallant,  was  not  always  in  the 
chattering  mood  ;  and,  assuredly,  if  ever  a  master  of  hounds  may 
be  excused  for  a  little  abru)»tness.  it  is  when  he  is  tormented  by 
the  rival  spirits  of  the  adjoining  hunt, — people  who  always  see 
things  so  dilferently  to  the  men  of  the  country,  so  ditfereutly  to 
what  they  are  meant  to  do. 

It  was  evident  however  by  the  lingering  looks  and  position  of 
parties  that  the  hunt  had  not  been  long  gone — indeed,  the  last 
red  coat  might  still  be  seen  bobbing  up  and  down  j)ast  the  weak 
and  low  parts  of  the  Rickleton  Tjane  fence.  So  ^lonsieur,  having 
ell'eeted  a  satisfactorv  rounding,   set  his  horse's  head  that  way, 


THK   iRI'Mri.KTIS"    RAILWAY. 


?38  ASK    MAMMA. 

much  in  the  old  threepence  a-mi»d  and  hopes  for  something  over, 
style  of  his  youth.  Jack  hadn't  forgotten  how  to  ride,  though 
he  might  occasionally  find  it  convenient  to  pretend  to  be  a  tailor. 
Indeed,  his  horse  seemed  to  have  ascertained  the  fact,  and  instead 
of  playing  any  more  monkey-tricks,  he  began  to  apply  himself 
sedulously  to  the  road.  Imperial  John  was  now  a  fitter  subject  for 
solicitude  than  Monsieur,  His  Highness's  usual  bumptious  bolt- 
upright  seat  being  exchanged  for  a  very  slouchy,  vulgar  roll.  His 
saucy  eyes  too  seemed  dim  and  dazzled,  like  an  owl's  flying  against 
the  sun.  Some  of  the  toiling  pedestrians,  who  in  spite  of  Sir  Moses's 
intention  to  leave  them  in  the  lurch,  had  started  for  the  hunt, 
were  the  first  overtaken,  next  two  grinning  boys  riding  a  bare- 
backed donkey,  one  with  his  face  to  the  tail,  doing  the  flagella- 
tion with  an  old  hearth-brush,  then  a  brandy-nosed  horse-breaker, 
with  a  badly-grown  black  colt  that  didn't  promise  to  be  good  for 
anything,  next  Dr.  Linton  on  his  dun  pony,  working  his  arms  and 
legs  most  energetically,  riding  far  faster  than  his  nag ;  next 
Noggin,  the  exciseman,  stealing  quietly  along  on  his  mule  as 
though  he  were  bent  on  his  business  and  had  no  idea  of  a  hunt  ; 
and  at  length  a  more  legitimate  representative  of  the  chace  in  the 
shape  of  young  Mr.  Hadaway,  of  Oakharrow  Hill,  in  a  pair  of 
very  baggy  white  cords,  on  but  indifferent  terms  about  the  knees 
with  his  badly  cleaned  tops.  They  did  not,  however,  overtake 
the  hounds,  and  the  great  body  of  scarlet,  till  just  as  they  turned 
off  the  Summersham  road  into  an  old  pasture-field,  some  five 
acres  of  the  low  end  of  which  had  been  cut  off  for  a  gorse  to  lay 
to  the  adjoining  range  of  rocky  hills  whose  rugged  juniper  and 
broom-dotted  sides  afforded  very  comfortable  and  popular  lying 
for  the  foxes.  1 1  being,  if  a  find,  a  quick  "  get  away,"  all  hands 
were  too  busy  thinking  of  themselves  and  their  horses,  and  looking 
for  their  usual  opponents  to  take  heed  of  anything  else,  and  Jack 
and  his  friends  entered  without  so  much  as  an  observation  from 
any  one. 

Just  at  that  moment  up  went  Joe's  cap  on  the  top  of  the  craig, 
and  the  scene  changed  to  one  of  universal  excitement.  Then, 
indeed,  had  come  the  tug  of  war  !  Sir  Moses,  all  hilarity,  views 
the  fox  !  Now  Stephen  Booty  sees  him,  now  Peter  Lynch,  and 
now  a  whole  cluster  of  hats  are  off  in  his  honour. 

****** 

And  now  his  lionour's  off  himself — 

"  Shrill  horns  proclaim  his  flight." 

Oh  dear  1  oh  dear  !  where's  Billy  Pringle  ? 
Oh  dear  !  oh  dear  !  where's  Imperial  John? 


JSK    MAMMA.  839 

Oh  dear  !  where's  Jack  Rogers  ? 

Jack's  all  right !  There  he  is  grinning  with  enthnsiasm,  quite 
forgetting  that  he's  a  Frenchman,  and  lioisting  his  brown  cap 
with  the  best  of  them.  Another  glass  would  have  made  him  give 
a  stunning  view-halloa. 

Imperial  John  stares  like  a  man  just  awoke  from  a  dream.  Is 
he  in  bed,  or  is  he  out  hunting,  or  how  !  lie  even  thinks  he 
hears  Miss  do  Glancey's  " /8V-r-r .'  do  you  mean  to  insult  me?" 
ringing  in  his  ears. 

Billy  Pringle  !  poor  Billy  !  he's  not  so  unhappy  as  usual.  His 
horse  is  very  docile.  His  tail  has  lost  all  its  elegant  gaiety,  and 
altogether  he  has  a  very  drooping,  weedy  look  :  he  coughs,  too, 
occasionally.  Billy,  however,  doesn't  care  about  the  coughs,  and 
gives  him  a  dig  with  his  spur  to  stop  it. 

"  Come  along,  Mr.  Pringle,  come  along  !  "  now  shrieks  Sir 
Moses,  hurrying  past,  hands  down,  head  too,  hugging  and  spur- 
ring his  horse  as  he  goes.  He  is  presently  through  the  separating 
throng,  leaving  Billy  far  in  the  rear.  "  Quick's "  the  word,  or 
the  chance  is  lost.  There  are  no  reserved  places  at  a  hunt.  A 
flying  fox  admits  of  no  delay.     It  is  cither  go  or  stay. 

And  now,  Monsieur  Jean  Rougier  having  stuck  his  berry-brown 
conical  cap  tight  on  his  bristly  black  head,  crams  his  chestnut 
horse  through  the  crowd,  hallooing  to  his  transfixed  brandy  friend, 
*'  Come  along,  old  cock-a-doodle  !  come  along,  old  Blink  Bonny  !  " 

Imperial  John,  who  has  been  holding  a  mental  conference  with 
himself,  poising  himself  in  the  saddle,  and  making  a  general 
estimate  of  his  condition,  thinking  he  is  not  so  drunk  as  "  all 
that,"  accepts  the  familiar  challenge,  and  urges  his  horse  on  with 
the  now  flying  crowd.  He  presently  makes  a  bad  shot  at  a  gate 
on  the  swing,  which  catching  him  on  the  kneecap,  contributes 
very  materially  to  restore  his  sobriety,  the  pain  making  him  first 
look  back  for  his  leg,  which  he  thinks  must  be  oil",  and  then  for- 
ward at  the  field.  It  is  very  large  ;  two  bustling  Baronets,  two 
Monsieurs,  two  huntsmen,  two  flying  hatters — everybody  in 
duplicate,  in  short. 

Away  they  scud  up  Thorneycroft  Valley  at  a  pace  that  looks 
very  like  killing.  The  foremost  rise  the  hill,  hugging  and  hold- 
ing on  by  the  manes. 

"  I'll  go  !  "  says  his  Highness  to  himself,  giving  up  rubbing  his 
kneecap,  and  settling  himself  in  his  saddle,  he  hustles  his  horse, 
and  pushing  past  the  undecided  ones,  is  presently  in  the  thick 
of  the  fray.  There  is  Jack  going,  elbows  and  legs,  elbows  and 
legs,  at  a  very  galloping,  dreary,  done  sort  of  pace,  the  roaring 
animal  he  bestrides  contracting  its  short,  leg-tied  efforts  every 
movement.     Jack  presently  begins  to  objurgate  the  ass  who  lent  it 


240  ASK    MAMMA. 

him  ;  first  wishes  he  was  on  himself,  then  declares  the  tanner 
ought  to  have  him.  He  now  sits  sideways,  and  proceeds  to  give 
him  a  good  rib-roasting  in  the  old  post-boy  style. 

And  now  there's  a  bobbing  up  and  dowu  of  hats,  caps,  and 
horses'  heads  in  front,  with  the  usual  deviation  under  the 
"  hounds  clauses  consolidation  act,"  where  the  dangerous  fencing 
begins.  A  pair  of  white  breeches  are  summersaulting  in  the  air, 
and  a  bay  horse  is  seen  careering  in  a  wild  head  in  the  air  sort  of 
way,  back  to  the  rear  instead  of  following  the  hounds. 

"  That's  lucky,"  said  Jack  Rogers  to  himself,  as  soon  as  he  saw 
him  coming  towards  him,  and  circumventing  him  adroitly  at  the 
corner  of  a  turnip-field,  he  quits  his  own  pumped-out  animal  and 
catches  him.  "  That's  good,"  said  he,  looking  him  over,  seeing 
that  he  was  a  lively  young  animal  in  fairish  condition,  with  a  good 
saddle  and  bridle. 

"Stirrups  just  my  length,  too,  I  do  believe,"  continued  he,  pre- 
paring to  mount.  "All  right,  by  Jove ! "  added  he,  settling  himself 
into  the  saddle,  feet  well  home,  and  gathering  his  horse  together,  he 
shot  forward  with  the  easy  elasticity  of  breeding.  It  was  a  delight- 
ful change  from  the  rolling  cow-like  action  of  the  other. 

*'  Let  us  see  vot  he  as  in  his  monkey,"  said  Jack  to  himself,  now 
drawing  the  flask  from  the  saddle-case. 

"  Sherry,  I  fear,"  said  he,  uncorking  it. 

"Brandy,  I  declare,"  added  he  with  delight,  after  smelling  it. 
He  then  took  a  long  pull  at  the  contents. 

"  Good  it  is,  too  !  "  exclaimed  he,  smacking  his  lips  ;  "  better 
nor  ve  ad  at  de  poblic  ; "  so  saying,  he  took  another  long  suck 
of  it. 

**  May  as  veil  finish  it,"  continued  he,  shaking  it  at  his  ear  to 
ascertain  what  was  left ;  and  having  secured  the  remainder,  he 
returned  the  monkey  to  the  saddle-case,  and  put  on  his  horse  with 
great  glee,  taking  a  most  independent  line  of  his  own. 

Jack's  triumph,  however,  was  destined  to  be  but  of  short  dura- 
tion. The  fox  being  hard  pressed,  abandoned  his  original  pomt 
for  Collington  Woods,  and  swerving  to  the  left  over  Stanbury 
Hundred,  was  headed  by  a  cur,  and  compelled  to  seek  safety  in  a 
drain  in  the  middle  of  a  fallow  field.  The  hounds  were  presently 
feathering  over  the  mouth  in  tlie  usual  wild,  disappointed  sort  of 
way,  that  as  good  as  says,  "  No  fault  of  ours,  you  know  ;  if  he 
won't  stay  above  ground,  we  can't  catch  him  for  you." 

Such  of  the  field  as  had  not  ridden  straight  for  Collington 
Woods,  were  soon  down  at  the  spot  ;  and  while  the  usual 
enquiries,  "  Where's  Pepper  ?  "  "  Where's  Viper  ?  "  "  Where  can 
we  get  a  spade?"  "Does  anybody  know  anything  a^ont  tlie 
direction  of  this  drain  ?  "  were  going  on,  a  fat,  fair,  red-coated, 


ASK    MAMMA. 


241 


flushed-faced  pedestrian — to  wit,  young  Mr.  Threadcroft,  the 
Avoolstapler's  son  of  Harden  Gran<>e  and  Hinton,  dived  into  the 
thick  of  the  throng;,  and  makin*,^  up  to  ]\Ion8ieur,  exclaimed  in  an 
anger-choked  voice,  "This  (puff)  is  my  (gasp)  horse  1     What  the 


;1VK    MK    .\n     lli'KSK.    1    -AV. 


(gasp,  putl' )  devil  do  you  iiican  by  I'idiug  away  willi  liini  in  tin's 
(put]',  gasp)  way  ?  "  the  youth  ino])ping  his  brow  with  a  yellow 
bandanna  us  he  sp(»ke. 

"  Youi'   uss  ! "    exclaimed    Jack    with    the    greatc'st   cllVontciy. 
"  Ou  de  douse  can  he  he  \our  oss  r     1  culcIiuI  "ini  I'airlv.  nuil  l'\r 


242  ASK    MAMMA. 

a  right  to  ride  him  to  de  end  of  de  run  ;  "  a  claim  that  eh'ci<;ed 
the  uproarious  mirth  of  the  field,  who  all  looked  upon  the  young 
wool-pack,  as  they  called  him,  as  a  muff". 

"  Nofisense ! "  retorted  the  youth,  half  frantic  with  rage. 
"  How  can  that  be  ?  " 

"0\v  can  dat  be,"  repeated  Jack,  turning  sideways  in  his 
saddle,  and  preparing  to  argue  the  case,  "  Ow  can  dat  be  ? 
Dis  hont,  sare,  I  presume,  sare,  is  condocted  on  de  principle  of  de 
grand  hont  de  Epping,  vcre  every  mans  vot  cotched  anoder's  oss, 
is  entitled  to  ride  him  to  the  end  of  de  ron,"  replied  Jack  gravely. 

'*  Nonsense  ! "  again  retorted  the  youth,  amidst  the  renewed 
laughter  of  the  field.  "  We  know  nothing  of  Epping  hunts 
here ! " 

"  Nothin'  of  Epping  onts  here  ?  "  exclaimed  Jack,  throwing  out 
his  hands  with  well  feigned  astonishment.  "Nothin' of  Epping 
honts  here  !  Vy,  de  grand  hont  de  Epping  rules  all  the  oder 
honts,  jost  as  the  grand  Clob  de  Jockey  at  Newmarket  rules  all 
oder  Jockey  Clubs  in  de  kingdom." 

"  Hoot,  toot,"  sneered  the  fat  youth,  "  let's  have  none  of  your 
jaw.     Give  me  my  horse,  I  say,  how  can  he  be  yours  ?  " 

"  Because,  sare,"  replied  Jack,  "  I  tells  you  I  cotched  'im  fairly 
in  de  field.  Bot  for  me  he  vod  have  been  lost  to  society — to  de 
vorld  at  large — eat  up  by  de  loiqi — by  de  volf — saddle,  bridle, 
and  all." 

"  Nothing  of  the  sort  ! "  retorted  Mr.  Treadcroft,  indignantly, 
"  you  had  no  business  to  touch  him." 

Monsieur  (with  energy).  I  appeal  to  you,  Sare  Moses  Baronet, 
de  grand  maitre  de  chien,  de  master  of  all  de  dogs  and  all  de  dogs' 
vives,  if  I  have  not  a  right  to  ride  'im. 

"Ah,  I'm  afraid.  Monsieur,  it's  not  the  law  of  this  country," 
replied  Sir  Moses,  laughing.  "  It  may  be  so  in  France,  perhaps  ; 
but  tell  me,  where's  your  own  horse  ?  " 

Monsieur.  Pomped  out  de  beggar  ;  had  no  go  in  'im  ;  left  him 
in  a  ditch. 

Sir  Moses.  That's  a  pity  ! — if  you'd  allowed  me,  I'd  have  sent 
you  a  good  'un. 

Mr.  Treadcroft,  thus  reinforced  by  Sir  Moses's  decision,  returned 
to  the  charge  with  redoubled  vigour.  "  If  you  don't  give  me  up 
my  horse,  sir,"  says  he,  with  firmness,  "  I'll  give  you  in  charge  of 
the  police  for  stealing  him."     Then 

"  Conscience,  which  makes  cowards  of  us  all," 

caused  Jack  to  shrink  at  tlie  recollection  of  his  early  indiscretion 
in  the  horse-stealing  line,  and  instantly  resolving  not  to  give  Jack 


ASK    MAMMA.  243 

Ketch  a  chance  of  taking  any  liberties  with  his  neck,  he  thus 
addresses  Mr.  Treadcroft : — 

"  Sarc,  if  Save  JMoses  Baronet,  de  grand  maitre  de  chien,  do 
grandmodder  of  all  de  dogs  and  all  de  dogs'  vives,  says  it  is  not  a 
case  of  catch  Mm  and  keep  'im  'cordin'  to  de  rules  of  de  grand 
hont  dc  Epping,  I  must  surrender  de  quadruped,  but  I  most  say 
it  is  dera  un'andsome  treatment,  after  I  'ave  been  at  de  trouble 
of  catching  'im."  So  saying,  Jack  dropped  off  on  the  wrong  side 
of  the  saddle,  and  giving  the  horse  a  slap  on  his  side  left  his  owner 
to  take  him. 

'^Tally-ho  !  there  he  goes  !  "  now  exclaimed  a  dozen  voices,  as 
out  bounced  the  fox  with  a  flourish  of  his  well  tagged  brush  that 
looked  uncommonly  defiant.  What  a  commotion  he  caused  ! 
Every  man  lent  a  shout  that  seemed  to  be  answered  by  a  fresh 
effort  from  the  flyer  :  but  still,  with  twenty  couple  of  overpower- 
ing animals  after  him,  what  chance  did  there  seem  for  his  life, 
especially  when  they  could  hunt  him  by  his  scent  after  they  had 
lost  sight.  Every  moment,  however,  improved  his  opportunity, 
and  a  friendly  turn  of  the  land  shutting  him  out  of  view,  the  late 
darting,  half-frantic  pack  were  brought  to  their  noses. 

"  Hold  hard  for  07ie  minute  !  "  is  the  order  of  the  day. 

"  Now,  catch  'em  if  you  can  !  "  is  the  cry. 

Away  they  go  in  the  settled  determined  way  of  a  second  start. 
The  bolt  talcing  place  on  the  lower  range  of  the  gently  swelling 
Culmington  hills,  that  stretch  across  the  north-east  side  of  Hit-im 
and  Hold-im  shire,  and  the  fox  making  for  the  vale  below.  Monsieur 
has  a  good  bird's  eye  view  of  the  scramble,  without  the  danger  and 
trouble  of  partaking  of  the  struggle.  (Jetting  astride  a  newly 
stubbed  ash-tree  near  the  vacated  drain  mouth,  he  thus  sits  and 
Soliloquises — "  He's  a  pretty  flyer,  dat  fox — if  dey  catch  'im  afore 
he  gets  to  the  hills,"  eyeing  a  gray  range  undulating  in  the 
distance,  "  they'll  do  well.  That  iloff  of  a  man,"  alluding  to 
Treadcroft,  "  'ill  never  get  there.  At  all  events,"  chuckled  Jack, 
"  his  brandy  vont.  Dats  'im  !  I  do  believe,"  exclaimed  Jack,  "  off 
again !"  as  a  loose  horse  is  now  seen  careering  across  a  grass  field. 
"  No  ;  dat  is  a  l)lack  coat,"  continued  Jack,  as  the  owner  now 
appeared  crossing  the  field  in  pursuit  of  his  horse.  "  Bot  dat  vill 
be  'im  !  dat  vill  be  friend  ]\roir,"  as  a  red  rider  now  measures  his 
length  on  the  greensward  of  a  field  in  the  rear  of  the  other  one  ; 
and  Jack,  taking  otf  his  faded  cap,  waives  it  triumphantly  as  he 
distinctly  recognises  the  wild,  staring  running  of  his  late  steed. 
"  Dash  my  buttons  !  "  exclaims  he,  working  his  arms  as  if  he  wag 
riding,  "  hot  if  it  hadn't  been  for  dat  unwarrantable,  unchristian- 
like  check  I'd  ha'  shown  those  red  coats  de  vay  on  dat  oss,  for  I 
dv  think  he  has  de  go  in  hiii\  and  only  vnnts  shoviu'  along. — Ah 


244  ASK    MAMMA. 

Moff— my  friend  Moff !  "  laughed  he,  eyeing  Treadcrofl's  vain 
endeavour  to  catch  his  horse,  "you  may  as  veil  leave  'im  where  he 
is — you'll  only  fatigue  yourself  to  no  purpose.  If  you  'ad  'im  you'd 
be  off  him  again  de  next  minute." 

The  telescope  of  the  chace  is  now  drawn  out  to  the  last  joint, 
and  Jack,  as  he  sits,  has  a  fine  bird's  eye  view  of  the  scene.  If  the 
hounds  go  rather  more  like  a  flock  of  wild  geese  than  like  the 
horses  in  the  chariot  of  the  sun,  so  do  the  field,  until  the 
diminutive  dots,  dribbling  through  the  vale,  look  like  the  line  of  a 
projected  railway. 

"If  I  mistake  not,"  continued  Jack,  "  dat  leetle  shiny  eel-like 
ting,"  eyeing  a  tortuous  silvery  thread  meandering  through  the 
vale,  "  is  vater,  and  dere  vill  be  some  fon  by  de  time  dey  get 
there." 

Jack  is  riglit  in  his  conjecture.  It  is  Long  Brawlingford 
brook,  with  its  rotten  banks  and  deep  eddying  pools,  describing 
all  sorts  of  geographical  singularities  in  its  course  through  the 
country,  too  often  inviting  aspiring  strangers  to  astonish  the 
natives  by  riding  at  it,  while  the  cautious  countrymen  rein  in  as 
they  approach,  and,  eyeing  the  hounds,  ride  for  a  ford  at  the  first 
splash. 

Jack's  friend.  Blink  Bonny,  has  ridden  not  amiss,  considering 
his  condition — at  all  events  pretty  forward,  as  may  be  inferred 
from  his  having  twice  crossed  the  Flying  Hatter  and  come  in  for 
the  spray  of  his  censure.  But  for  the  fact  of  his  Highness  getting 
his  hats  of  the  flyer,  he  would  most  likely  have  received  the  abuse 
in  the  bulk.     As  it  was,  the  hatter  kept  letting  it  go  as  he  went. 

And  now  as  the  hounds  speed  over  the  rich  alluvial  pastures 
by  the  brook,  occasionally  one  throwing  its  tongue,  occasionally 
another,  for  the  scent  is  first-rate  and  the  pace  severe,  there  is  a 
turning  of  heads,  a  checking  of  horses,  and  an  evident  inclination 
to  diverge.     Water  is  in  no  request. 

"  Who  knows  the  ford  ?  "  cries  Harry  Waggett,  who  always 
declined  extra  risk.^"  You  know  the  ford,  Smith  ?  "  continued 
he,  addressing  himself  to  black  tops. 

"Not  when  I'm  in  a  hur-liur-hurry,"  ejaculates  Smith,  now 
fighting  witli  his  five-year-old  bay. 

"O'ill  show  ye  the  ford!"  cries  Imperial  Joiin,  gathering  his 
grey  together  and  sending  him  at  a  stiff  flight  of  outside  slab-made 
rails  which  separate  the  field  from  the  pack.  This  lands  His 
Highness  right  among  the  tail  hounds. 

"  Hold  hard,  "Mr,  Hybrid  !"  now  bellows  Sir  ]\Ioses,  indignant; 
at  the  iflca  of  a  Featlierbedfordshire  farmer  Lhinkiug  to  cut  down 
his  gallant  field. 

"  One  minnit  I  and  you  may  go  as  hard  as  iver  you  like  !  "  cries 


ASK    MAMMA,  245 

Tom  Findlater,  who  now  sees  tlie  crows  liovering  over  his  fox  as  he 
scuttles  away  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  brook. 

There  is  then  a  great  yawing  of  mouths  and  hauling  of  heads 
and  renewed  inquiries  for  fords. — You  know  the  foid,  Brown  ? 
You  know  the  ford,  Green  ?     WIw  knows  the  ford? 

His  Highness,  thus  snubbed  and  rebuked  on  all  sides,  is  put  on 
his  mettle,  and  inwardly  resolves  not  to  be  bullied  by  these  low 
Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  chaps.  "  If  they  don't  know  what  is 
due  to  the  friend  of  an  Earl,  he  will  let  them  see  that  he  does." 
So,  regardless  of  their  shouts,  he  shoves  along  with  his  Imperial 
chin  well  in  the  air,  determined  to  ride  at  the  brook — let  those 
follow  who  will.  He  soon  has  a  chance.  The  fox  has  taken  it 
right  in  his  line,  without  deviating  a  yard  cither  way,  and  Wolds- 
man,  and  Bluecap,  and  Eingwood,  and  Hazard,  and  Sparkler  are 
soon  swimming  on  his  track,  followed  by  the  body  of  the  screeching, 
vociferating  pack. 

Old  BHnk  Bonny  now  takes  a  confused,  wish-I-was-well-over, 
sort  of  look  at  the  brook,  shuddering  when  he  thought  how  far  he 
was  from  dry  clothes.  It  is,  however,  too  late  to  retreat.  At  it 
he  goes  in  a  lialf  resolute  sort  of  way,  and  in  an  instant  the 
Imperial  hat  and  the  Imperial  horse's  head  are  all  that  appear 
above  water. 

"  Hoo-ray  !  "  cheer  some  of  the  unfeeling  Hit-im  and  Hold-im 
shireites,  dro])])ing  down  into  the  ford  a  little  below. 

"  Hoo-raij  !  "  res])ond  others  on  the  bank,  as  the  Red  Otter,  as 
Silverthorne  calls  His  Highness,  rises  hatless  to  the  top. 

"Come  here,  and  I'll  help  you  out!"  shouts  Peter  Linch, 
eyeing  !Mr.  Hybrid's  vain  '^arts  first  at  the  hat  and  then  at  the 
horse. 

"Fefitherl)e(li'oi'dsliire  for  ever!"  cries  Charley  Drew,  who 
doesn't  at  all  like  Ini])(,'rial  Jolin. 

And  John,  who  finds  the  brook  not  only  a  great  deal  wider,  but 
also  a  great  deal  deeper  and  colder  than  he  exjiected,  is  in  such  a 
state  of  confusion  that  he  lands  on  one  side  and  his  horse  on  the 
other,  so  that  his  chance  of  further  distinction  is  out  for  the  day. 
And  as  he  stands  shivering  and  shaking  and  emptying  his  hat,  he 
meditates  on  the  vicissitudes  of  life,  the  virtues  of  sobriety,  and  the 
rashness  of  coping  with  a  friend  of  His  Imperial  brother,  Louis 
Nap.  His  horse  meanwhile  regales  upon  grass,  regardless  of  the 
fast  receding  field.  Thus  John  is  left  alone  in  his  glory,  and  we 
must  be  indebted  to  other  sources  for  an  account  of  the  finish  of 
this  (lay's  sport. 


246  ASK    MAMMA. 

CHAPTER    XXXVIT. 

TWO  ACCOUNTS  OF  A  RUN  ;    OR,   LOOK  ON    TUIS  nCTURB. 

Monsieur  Jean  Rougier  having  seen  the  field  get  small  by 
degrees,  if  not  beautifully  less,  and  having  viewed  the  quivering  at 
the  brook,  thinking  the  entertainment  over,  now  dismounted  from 
his  wooden  steed,  and,  giving  it  a  crack  with  his  stick,  saying  it  was 
about  as  good  as  his  first  one,  proceeded  to  perform  that  sorry 
exploit  of  retracing  his  steps  through  the  country  on  foot.  Thanks 
to  the  influence  of  civilisation,  there  is  never  much  difficulty  now 
in  finding  a  road  ;  and.  Monsieur  was  soon  in  one  whose  grassy 
hoof-marked  sides  showed  it  had  been  ridden  down  in  chase. 
Walking  in  scarlet  is  never  a  very  becoming  proceeding ;  but, 
walking  in  such  a  scarlet  as  Jack  had  on,  coupled  with  such  a  cap, 
procured  him  but  little  respect  from  the  country  people,  who  took 
him  for  one  of  those  scarlet  runners  now  so  common  with  hounds. 
One  man  (a  hedger)  in  answer  to  his  question,  "  If  he  had  seen  his 
horse  ?  "  replied,  after  a  good  stare — "  Nor — nor  nebody  else  ;  " 
thinking  that  the  steed  was  all  imaginary,  and  Jack  was  wanting 
to  show  off  :  another  said,  "  Coom,  coom,  that  ill  not  de  ;  you've 
ne  horse."  Altogether,  Monsieur  did  not  get  much  politeness 
from  anyone  ;  so  he  stumped  moodily  along,  venting  his  spleen  as 
he  went. 

The  first  thing  that  attracted  his  attention  was  his  own  pumped- 
out  steed,  standing  with  its  snaffle-rein  thrown  over  a  gate-post ; 
and  Jack,  having  had  about  enough  pedestrian  exercise,  especially 
considering  that  he  was  walking  in  his  own  boots,  now  gladly 
availed  himself  of  the  lately  discarded  mount. 

"  Wcoay,  ye  great  grunting  brute  I  "  exclaimed  he,  going  up 
with  an  air  of  ownership,  taking  the  rein  off  the  post,  and 
climbing  on. 

He  had  scarcely  got  well  under  way,  ere  a  clattering  of  horses' 
hoofs  behind  him,  attracted  his  attention  ;  and,  looking  back, 
he  saw  the  Collington  Woods  detacliment  careering  along 
in  the  usual  wild,  staring,  tvhich-ivay  ?  wMcli-tray^  sort  of 
style  of  men,  who  have  been  riding  to  points,  and  have  lost  the 
hounds.  In  the  midst  of  the  flight  was  his  master,  on  the  now 
woe-begone  bay  ;  who  came  coughing,  and  cutting,  and  hammer 
and  pincering  along,  in  a  very  ominous  sort  of  way.  Billy,  on  the 
other  hand,  flattered  himself  that  they  were  having  a  very 
tremendous  run,  with  very  little  risk,  and  he  was  disposed  to  take 
every  advantage  of  his  horse,  by  way  of  inci-easing  its  apparent 


'X.*  if  t     t 


ASK    MAMMA.  247 

severity,  thinking  it  would  be  a  fine  tiling  to  tell  his  Mamma  how 
lie  had  got  through  his  horse.  Monsieur  having  replied  to  their 
whkh  ways  ?  with  the  comfortable  assurance  "  that  they  need  not 
trouble  themselves  any  further,  the  hounds  being  miles  and  miles 
away,"  there  was  visible  satisfaction  on  the  faces  of  some  ;  while 
others,  more  knowing,  attempted  to  conceal  their  delight  by  lip- 
curling  exclamations  of  "What  a  bore!  "  "Thought  you  knew  the 
country,  Brown  ;"  "Never  follow  you  again,  Smith,"  and  so  on. 
They  then  began  asking  for  the  publics.  "Where's  the  Red 
Lion  ? "  "  Does  anybody  know  the  way  to  the  Barley  Mow  ?  " 
"  How  far  is  it  to  the  Dog  and  Duck  at  Westpool  ?  " 

"  Dat  OSS  of  yours  sail  not  be  quite  veil,  I  tink,  sare,"  observed 
Jack  to  his  master,  after  listening  to  one  of  its  ominous  couglis. 

"  Oh,  yes  he  is,  only  a  little  lazy,"  replied  Billy,  giving  him  a 
refresher,  as  well  with  the  whip  on  his  shoulder,  as  with  the  spur 
«n  his  side. 

"  He  is  feeble,  I  should  say,  sare,"  continued  Jack,  eyeing  him 
pottering  along. 

"  What  should  I  give  him,  then  ?  "  asked  Billy,  thinking  there 
might  be  something  in  what  Jack  said. 

"I  sud  say  a  beetle  gin  vod  be  de  best  ting  for  im,"  replied  Jack. 

"  Gin  !  but  where  can  I  get  gin  here  ?  "  asked  Billy. 

"Dese  gentlemens  is  asking  their  vays  to  de  Poblic  ouses," 
replied  Jack  ;  "  and  if  you  follows  dem,  you  vill  land  at  some  tap 
before  long." 

Jack  was  right.  Balmey  Zephyr,  as  they  call  Billy  West,  the 
surgeon  of  Hackthorn,  who  had  joined  the  hunt  quite  promiscuous, 
is  leading  the  way  to  the  Red  Lion,  and  the  cavalcade  is  presently 
before  the  well-frequented  door ;  one  man  calling  for  Purl,  another 
Ale,  a  third  for  Porter  ;  while  others  hank  their  horses  on  to  the 
crook  at  the  door,  while  they  go  in  to  make  themselves  comfortable. 
Jack  dismounting,  and  giving  his  horse  in  charge  of  his  master, 
entered  the  little  way-side  hostelry  ;  and,  asking  for  a  measure  of 
gin,  and  a  bottle  of  water,  he  drinks  oflF  the  gin,  and  then  proceeds 
to  rinse  Billy's  horse's  mouth  out  with  the  water,  just  as  a  training- 
groom  rinses  a  horse's  after  a  race, 

"  Dat  vill  do,"  at  length  said  Jack,  chucking  the  horse's  head 
up  in  the  air,  as  if  he  gets  him  to  swallow  the  last  drop  of  the 
precious  beverage.  "  Dat  vill  do,"  repeated  he,  adding,  "  he  vill 
now  carry  you  onie  like  a  larkspur."  So  saying.  Jack  handed  the 
bottle  back  through  the  window,  and,  paying  the  charge,  re- 
mounted his  steed,  kissing  his  hand,  and  hon-jouriny  the  party,  as 
he  set  off  with  his  master  in  search  of  Pangburn  Park. 

Neither  of  them  being  great  hands  at  finding  t]ieir  way  about 
a  cuuutry,  they  made  sundry  ijad  hits,  and  superfluous  deviations. 


248  ASK    3IAMMA. 

and  just  reached  Pangburn  Park  as  Sir  Moses  and  Co.  came 
triumphantly  down  Rossington  hill,  flourishing  the  brush  that  had 
given  them  a  splendid  fifty  minutes  (ten  off  for  exaggeration) 
without  a  check,  over  the  cream  of  their  country,  bringing 
Imperial  John,  Gameboy  Green,  and  the  flower  of  the  Featherbed- 
fordshire  hunt,  to  the  most  abject  and  unmitigated  grief. 

"  Oh,  such  a  run  ! "  exclaimed  Sir  ]\roses,  throwing  out  his 
paws.  "  Oh,  such  a  run  1  Finest  run  that  ever  was  seen  !  Sort 
of  run,  that  if  old  Thorne  (meaning  Lord  Ladythome)  had  had, 
he'd  have  talked  about  it  for  a  year."  Sir  Moses  then  descended 
to  particulars,  describing  the  heads  up  and  sterns  down  work  to 
the  brook,  the  Imperial  catastrophe  which  he  dwelt  upon  with 
great  goUt,  dom'd  if  he  didn't ;  and  how,  leaving  John  in  the 
water,  they  went  away  over  Rillington  Marsh,  at  a  pace  that  was 
perfectly  appalling,  every  field  choking  ofl"  some  of  those  Feather- 
bedfordshireites,  who  came  out  thinking  to  cut  them  all  down  ; 
then  up  Tewey  Hill,  nearly  to  the  crow  trees,  swinging  down 
again  into  the  vale  by  Billy  Mill,  skirting  Laureston  Plantations, 
and  over  those  splendid  pastures  of  Arlingford,  where  there  was  a 
momentary  check,  owing  to  some  coursers,  who  ought  to  be  hang, 
dom'd  if  they  shouldn't,  "  This,"  continued  Sir  Moses,  "let  in 
some  of  the  laggers,  Dickey  among  the  number ;  but  we  were 
speedily  away  again  ;  and,  passing  a  little  to  the  west  of  Picker- 
ing Park,  through  the  decoy,  and  away  over  Larkington  Rise, 
shot  down  to  the  Farthing-pie  House,  where  that  great  Owl, 
Gameboy  Green,  thinking  to  show  off,  rode  at  an  impracticable 
fence,  and  got  a  cropper  for  his  pains,  nearly  knocking  the  poor 
little  Damper  into  the  middle  of  the  week  after  next  by  crossing 
him.  Well,  from  there  he  made  for  the  main  earths  in  Purdoe 
Banks,  where,  of  course,  there  was  no  shelter  for  him  ;  and, 
breaking  at  the  east  end  of  the  dene,  he  set  his  head  straight  for 
Bracewell  "Woods,  good  two  miles  oft  (one  and  a  quarter,  say) ;  but 
his  strength  failing  him  over  Winterfiood  Heath,  we  ran  from 
scent  to  view,  in  the  finest,  openest  manner  imaginable, — "  dom'd 
if  we  didn't,"  couckided  Sir  Moses,  having  talked  himself  out  of 
breath. 

AXD   ON   THIS. 

The  same  evening,  just  as  Oliver  Armstrong  was  shutting  up 
day  by  trimming  and  lighting  the  oil-lamp  at  the  Lockingford 
toll-bar,  which  stands  within  a  few  yards  from  where  the  ap- 
parently well-behaved  little  stream  of  Long  Brawlingford  brook 
divides  the  far-famed  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  from  Feather- 
bedfordshire,  a  pair  of  desperately  mud-stained  cords  below  » "^lack 


ASK    MAMMA.  U9 

coat  and  vest,  reined  up  behind  a  well  wrapped  and  buttoncd-up 
gentleman  in  a  buggy,  who  chanced  to  be  passing,  and  drew  forth 
the  usual  inquiry  of  "  "What  sport  ? " 

The  questioner  was  no  less  a  personage  than  Mr.  Easy  lease, 
Lord  Ladythorne's  agent — we  beg  pardon,  Commissioner — and 
Mr.  Gameboy  Green,  the  tenant  in  possession  of  the  soiled  cords, 
recognising  the  voice  in  spite  of  the  wraps,  thus  replied — 

"  Oh,  ]\ir.  Easylease  it's  you,  sir,  is  it  ?  Hope  you're  well,  sir," 
with  a  sort  of  move  of  his  hat — not  a  take  off,  nor  yet  a  keep  on — 
"  hope  Mrs.  Easylease  is  quite  well,  and  the  young  ladies." 

"  Quite  well,  thank  you  ;  hope  Mrs.  G.'s  the  same.  What  sport 
have  you  had  ?  "  added  the  Commissioner,  without  waiting  for  an 
answer  to  the  inquiry  about  the  ladies, 

"  Sport ! "  repeated  Gameboy,  drawing  his  breath,  as  he  conned 
the  matter  hastily  over.  "  Sport !  "  recollecting  he  was  as  good  as 
addressing  the  Earl  himself — master  of  hounds — favours  past — 
hopes  for  future,  and  so  on.  *'  Well,"  said  he,  seeing  his  line  ; 
"  We've  had  a  nice-ish  run — a  fair-ish  day — live  and  twenty 
minutes,  or  so." 

"Fast?  "  asked  Mr.  Easylease,  twirling  his  gig-whip  about,  for 
he  was  going  to  Tantivy  Castle  in  the  morning,  and  thought  he 
might  as  well  have  something  to  talk  about  beside  the  weather. 

"  Middlin' — nothin'  particular,"  replied  Green,  with  a  chuck  of 
the  chin. 

"  Kill  ?  "  asked  the  Commissioner,  continuing  the  laconics. 

"  Don't  know,"  replied  the  naughty  Green,  who  knew  full  well 
they  had  ;  for  he  had  seen  them  run  into  their  fox  as  he  stood  on 
Dinglebank  Hill ;  and,  moreover,  had  ridden  part  of  the  way  home 
with  Tommy  Heslop,  who  had  a  pad. 

"  Why,  you've  been  down  ! "  exclaimed  the  Commissioner, 
starting  round  at  the  unwonted  announcement  of  Gaoieboy 
Green,  the  best  man  of  their  hunt,  not  knowing  if  they  had  killed. 

"  Down,  aye,"  repeated  Gameboy,  looking  at  his  soiled  side, 
which  looked  as  if  he  had  been  at  a  sculptor's,  having  a  mud  cast 
taken  of  himself.  "  I'm  indebted  to  the  nasty  little  jealous 
Damper  for  that." 

**  The  Damper !  "  exclaimed  the  Commissioner,  knowing  how 
the  Earl  hated  him.  "  The  Damper  !  that  little  rascally  draper's 
always  doing  something  wrong.     How  did  he  manage  it  ?  " 

"Just  charged  me  as  I  was  takmg  a  fence,"  replied  Green, 
"  and  knocked  me  clean  over." 

"  What  a  shame  ! "  exclaimed  the  Commissioner,  driving  on. 
"  What  a  shame,"  repeated  he,  whipping  his  horse  into  a  trot. 

And  as  he  proceeded,  he  presently  fell  in  with  Dr.  Pillertoti,  to 
whom  he  related  how  infammisly  the  Ilit-im  and  Ilold-im  shire 


260 


ASK    MAMMA. 


chaps  had  used  poor  Green,  breakinfj  throe  of  his  ribs,  and  nearly 
knocking  his  eye  out.  And  Dr.  Filler  ton,  ever  anxious,  &c.,  told 
D'Orsay  Davis,  the  great  we  of  the  Featherbedfordshire  Gazette, 
who  forthwith  penned  such  an  article  on  fox-hunting  Jealousy, 
generally,  and  Hit-ini  and  Ilold-im  shire  Jealousy  in  particular,  as 
caused  Sir  Moses  to  declare  he'd  hoi'scwhij)  him  the  tirsf  time  he 
caught  him, — "  dom'd  if  he  wouldn't." 


CHAPTER    XXXVIII. 

THE   SICK   HORSE   AND   THE    SICK   MASTER. 

"  YOUR  OSS  sail  be 
seek — down  in  de 
mouth  dis  mornin', 
sare,"observed  ^lon- 
sieur  to  Billy,  as  the 
latter  lay  tossing 
about  in  his  uncom- 
fortable bed,  think- 
ing how  he  could 
shirk  that  day's 
hundng  penance  ; 
Sir  Closes,  with  his 
usual  dexterity, 
having  evaded  the 
offer  of  lending  him 
a  horse,  by  sayiug 
that  Billy's  having 
had  nothing  to  do 
the  day  before  would  be  quite  IVesh  for  the  morrow. 

"  Shall  be  w-h-a-w-t  ?  "  drawled  our  hero,  dreading  the  reply. 
"  Down  in  de  mouth — seek — on  veil,'"  re])lied  Jack,  depositing 
the  top-boots  by  the  sofa,  and  placing  the  shaving-water  on  the 
toilette  table. 

"  Oh,  is  he  !  "  said  Billy,  perking  up,  thinking  he  saw  his  way 
out  of  the  dilemma.     "  What's  the  matter  with  him  ?  " 

"  He  coughs,  sare — he  does  not  feed,  sare — and  altogether  he  is 
not  right." 

"  So-o-o,"  said  liilly,  cunning  the  matter  over — •' then,  p'raps 
I'd  better  not  ride  him  r '" 


A    WIIirl'FR-IN'. 


ASK    MAMMA.  251 

"Vot  yon  think  right,  sare,"  replied  Jack.  "He  is  your 
quadruped,  not  mine ;  but  I  should  not  say  he  is  vot  dey  call,  op 
to  snoff — fit  to  go." 

"  Ah,"  replied  Billy.  "  I'll  not  ride  'im  !  hate  a  horse  that's 
not  up  to  the  mark." 

*'  Sare  Moses  Baronet  vod  perhaps  lend  you  von,  sare,"  suggested 
Jack. 

"Oh,  by  no  means!"  replied  Billy  in  a  fright.  "By  no 
means  !  I'd  just  as  soon  not  hunt  to-day,  in  fact,  for  I've  got  a 
good  many  letters  to  write  and  things  to  do  ;  so  just  take  the 
water  away  for  the  pr-^scnt  and  bring  it  back  when  Sir  Moses  is 
gone."  So  saying,  Billy  turned  over  on  his  thin  pillow,  and  again 
sought  the  solace  of  his  couch.  He  presently  fell  into  a  delightful 
dreamy  sort  of  sleep,  in  which  he  fancied  that  after  dancing  the 
Yammerton  girls  all  round,  he  had  at  length  settled  into  an 
interminable  "  Ask  Mamma  Polka,"  with  Clara,  from  which  he 
was  disagreeably  aroused  by  Jack  Rogers'  hirsute  face  again 
protruding  between  the  partially-drawn  curtains,  announcing, 
"  Sare  Moses  Baronet,  sare,  has  cot  his  stick — is  off." 

"Sir  Moses,  what!'"  started  Billy,  dreading  to  hear  about  the 
hunt. 

"  Sare  Moses  Baronet,  sare,  is  gone,  and  I've  brought  you  your 
Vcau  chavde,  as  you  said." 

"  All  right !  "  exclaimed  Billy,  rubbing  his  eyes  and  recollecting 
himself,  "all  right;"  and,  banishing  the  beauty,  he  jumped  out 
of  bed  and  resigned  himself  to  Rogers,  who  forthwith  commenced 
the  elaborate  duties  of  his  office.  As  it  progressed  he  informed 
Billy  how  the  land  lay.  "  Sare  Moses  was  gone,  bot  Coddy  was 
left,  and  Mrs.  Margerum  said  there  should  be  no  dcjcdnn  for  Cod  " 
(who  was  a  bad  tip),  till  Billy  came  down.  And  Jack  didn't  put 
himself  at  all  out  of  his  way  to  expe.lite  matters  to  accommodate 
Cuddy. 

At  length  Billy  descended  in  a  suit  of  those  tigerish  tweeds 
into  which  he  had  lapsed  since  he  got  away  from  Mamma,  and  wjis 
received  with  a  round  of  tallihos  and  view-holloas  bj  Cuddy,  who 
had  been  studying  BcWs  Life  with  exemplary  jiatience  in  the  little 
bookless  library,  reading  through  all  the  meets  of  the  hounds  as  if 
he  was  going  to  send  a  horse  to  each  of  them.  Then  Cuddy  took 
his  revenge  on  the  servants  by  ringing  for  everything  he  could 
think  of,  demanding  them  all  in  the  name  of  ^Tr.  Pringle  ;  just  as 
an  old  parish  constable  used  to  run  frantically  about  a  fair 
demanding  assistance  from  everybody  in  the  name  of  the  Queen. 
Mr.  Pringle  wanted  devilled  turkey,  Mr.  Pringle  wanted  partridge 
pie,  Mr.  Pringle  wanted  sausages,  Mr.  Pringle  wanted  chocolate, 
Mr.  Pringle  wanted  honey,  jeiiy,  and  preserve.     Why  the  deuce, 

I 


252  ASK    MA^fMA. 

didn't  they  send  Mr.  Pringle  his  hreakfast  in  properly  ?  And  if  the 
servants  didn't  think  Billy  a  very  great  man,  it  wasn't  for  want  of 
Cuddy  trying  to  make  them. 

And  so,  what  with  Cuddy's  exertions  and  the  natural  course  ot 
events,  Billy  obtained  a  very  good  lireakfast.  The  last  cup  being 
at  length  drained,  Cuddy  clutched  BelVs  Life,  and  wheeling  his 
semicircular  chair  round  to  the  fire,  dived  into  his  side  pocket, 
and,  producing  a  cigar-case,  tendered  Billy  a  weed.  And  Cuddy 
did  it  in  such  a  matter-of-course  way,  that  much  as  Billy  disliked 
smoking,  he  felt  constrained  to  accept  one,  thinking  to  get  rid  of 
it  by  a  sidewind,  just  as  he  had  got  rid  of  old  Wotherspoon's 
snuff,  by  throwing  it  away.  So,  taking  his  choice,  he  lit  it,  and 
prepared  to  beat  a  retreat,  but  was  interrupted  by  Cuddy  asking 
where  *'  he  was  going  ?  " 

*'  Only  into  the  open  air,"  replied  Billy,  with  the  manner  of  a 
professed  smoker. 

"Open  air,  be  hanged!"  retorted  Cuddy.  "Open  airs  well 
enough  in  summer-time  when  the  roses  are  out,  and  the  straw- 
berries ripe,  but  this  is  not  the  season  for  that  kind  of  sport.  No, 
no,  come  and  sit  here,  man,"  continued  he,  drawing  a  chair 
alongside  of  him  for  Billy,  "  and  let's  have  a  chat  about  hunting." 

"  But  Sir  Moses  won't  like  his  room  smoked  in,"  observed 
Billy,  making  a  last  effort  to  be  off. 

"Oh,  Sir  Moses  don't  care  !  "  rejoined  Cuddy,  with  a  jerk  of 
his  head  ;  "  Sir  Moses  don't  care  !  can't  hurt  such  rubbish  as 
this,"  added  he,  tapping  the  ai'in  of  an  old  imitation  rose- wood 
painted  chair  that  stood  on  his  left.  "  No  old  furniture  broker  in 
the  Cut,  would  give  ten  puns  for  the  whole  lot,  curtains,  cushions, 
and  all,"  looking  at  the  faded  red  hangings  around. 

So  Billy  was  obliged  to  sit  down  and  proceed  with  his  cigar. 
Meanwhile  Cuddy  having  established  a  good  light  to  his  own, 
took  up  his  left  leg  to  nurse,  and  proceeded  with  his  sporting 
speculations. 

"  Ah,  huntiug  wasn't  what  it  used  to  be  (whiff),  nor  racing 
either  (puff).  Never  was  a  truer  letter  (puff),  than  that  of  Lord 
Derby's  (whiff),  in  which  he  said  racing  had  got  into  the  (puff) 
hands  of  (whilF)  persons  of  an  inferior  (puff)  position,  who  keep 
(puff)  horses  as  mere  instruments  of  (puff)  gambling,  instead  of 
for  (whiff)  spovt."  Then,  h.iving  pruned  the  end  of  his  cigar,  he 
lowei'ed  his  loft,  leg.  and  gave  liis  light  one  a  turn,  while  he 
indulged  in  some  limiting  recolleeti'His.  "  Hunting  wasn't  what 
it  used  to  be  ([lull")  in  the  days  of  old  (whiff')  AVarde  and  (puff) 
Yillebois  and  (whiff)  Masters.  Ah  no  !  "  continued  he,  taking 
his  cigar  out  of  his  mouth,  and  casting  his  eye  np  nt  t1ip  Hirty 
(]y-(lottcd  coiling.     '"  Fe"'  ^uch  sportsmen  as  poor  SuLtun  oi'  iiulph 


ASK    MAMMA.  263 

Lanibton,  or  that  fine  old  fire-brick,  Asshcton  Smith.  People 
waut  to  Ije  all  in  the  ring  now,  instead  of  sticking  to  one  sport, 
and  enjoying  it  thoroughly — yachts,  manors,  moors,  race-horses, 
cricket,  coaches,  coursing,  cooks — and  the  consequence  is,  they 
get  blown  before  they  are  thirty,  and  have  to  live  upon  air  the 
rest  of  their  lives.  Wasn't  one  man  in  fifty  that  hunted  who 
really  enjoyed  it.  See  how  glad  they  were  to  tail  off*  as  soon  as 
they  could.  A  good  knock  on  the  nose,  or  a  crack  on  the  crown 
settled  half  of  them.  Another  thing  was,  there  was  no  money  to 
be  made  by  it.  Nothing  an  Englishman  liked  so  much  as  making 
money,  or  trying  to  make  it."  So  saying,  Cuddy  gave  his  cigar 
another  fillip,  and  replacing  it  in  his  mouth,  proceeded  to  blow  a 
series  of  long  revolving  clouds,  as  he  lapsed  into  a  heaven  of 
hunting  contemplations. 

From  these  he  was  suddenly  aroused  by  the  violent  retching  of 
Billy.  Our  friend,  after  experiencing  the  gradual  growth  of  sea- 
sickness mingled  with  a  stupifying  headache,  was  at  length  fairly 
overcome,  and  Cuddy  had  just  time  to  bring  the  slop-basin  to  the 
rescue.     Oh,  how  green  Billy  looked  ! 


"Too  soon  after  breakfast^  -too  soon  after  breakfast,"  muttered 
Cuddy,  disgusted  at  the  interruption.  "  Lie  down  for  half  an 
hour,  lie  down  for  half  an  hour,"  continued  he  ringing  the  bell 
violently  for  assistance. 

"■  Send  Mr.  Pringle's  valet  here  I  scud  ^\r.  Pringle's  valet 
here!"  exclaimed  he,  as  tlie  half-davcrcd  footnian  came  staring 
in,  followed  l>y  the  tickeL-of-leave  butler.  "Here,  Monsieur!" 
continued  he,  as  Rougier's  hairy  face  now  peeped  past  the  door, 
"your  master  wants  you— ^eat  something  that's  disagreed  with 
him — that  partridge-pie,  I  think,  for  I  feel  rather  squeamish 
myself  ;  and  you,  Bankhead,"  added  lie,  addressing  the  butler, 
'•just  bring  us  each  a  drop  of  brandy,  not  that  nasty  In'own  stuff 
Mother  ^lavgcrum  puts  into  the  puddings,  but  some  of  the  white, 
you  know — tiie  best,  you  know,"  saying  which,  with  a  "now  old 
boy  !"  he  gave  Billy  a  lioist  from  his  seat  by  the  arm,  and  sent 
him  away  with  his  servant.  The  l)raiidy,  however,  never  came, 
Bankhead  declaring  tliey  had  drunk  all  ho  had  out,  the  other 
night.  So  Cuddy  was  obliged  to  console  himself  with  his  cigars 
and  Bfill's  Life,  which  latter  he  read,  marked,  learned,  and 
inwardly  digested,  ))ansiiig  every  now  ami  then  at  the  speculative 
passages,  wondering  whether  Wilkinson  and  Kidd,  or  Messrs. 
Wilkinson  and  Co.  were  the  parties  who  had  the  liduour  of  having 
his  name  on  their  books,  where  Henry  Just,  the  backer  of  horses, 
got  the  Latin  for  his  advertisement  from,  and  considering  whethPT 

1  -1 


•J54  ASK    MAMMA. 

Nana  Sahib,  the  Indian  fiend,  should  be  roasted  alive  or  carried 
round  the  world  in  a  cage.  He  also  went  through  the  column 
and  a  quarter  of  the  meets  of  hounds  again,  studied  the  doings  at 
Copenhagen  Grounds,  Salford  Borough  Gardens,  and  Hornsea 
AVood,  and  finally  finished  off  with  the  time  of  high-water  at 
London  Bridge,  and  the  list  of  pedestrian  matches  to  come.  He 
then  folded  the  paper  carefully  up  and  replaced  it  in  his  pocket, 
feeling  equal  to  a  dialogue  with  anybody.  Having  examined  the 
day  through  the  window,  he  next  strolled  to  his  old  friend  the 
weather-glass  at  the  bottom  of  the  stairs,  and  then  constituting 
himself  huntsman  to  a  pack  of  hounds,  proceeded  to  draw  the 
house  for  our  Billy  ;  "  Y-o-o-iclcs,  wind  him  !  jj-o-o-iclcs,  push 
him  up  !  "  holloaed  he,  going  leisurely  up-stairs,  "  E''leu  in  there  ! 
EUeu  in  !  "  continued  he,  on  arriving  at  a  partially  closed  door  on 
the  first  landing. 

"  There's  nobodij  here !  There's  nolody  here  !  "  exclaimed  Mrs. 
Margerum,  hurrying  out.  "  Tliere's  nobody  here,  sir  ! "  repeated 
she,  holding  steadily  on  by  the  door,  to  prevent  any  one  entering 
where  she  was  busy  packing  her  weekly  basket  of  perquisites,  or 
what  the  Americans  more  properly  call  "  stealings." 

"  Nobody  here  !  bitch-fox,  at  all  events  I  "  retorted  Cuddy, 
eyeing  her  confusion—"  whcre's  Mr.  Pringle's  room  ?  "  asked  he. 

"  I'll  show  you,  sir  ;  I'll  show  you,"  replied  she,  closing  the 
room-door,  and  hurrying  on  to  another  one  further  along.  "  This 
is  Mr.  Pringle's  room,  sir,"  said  she,  stopping  before  it. 

"All  right  !  "  exclaimed  Cuddy,  knocking  at  the  door. 

"Come  in,"  replied  a  feeble  voice  from  within  ;  and  in  Cuddy 
went. 

There  was  Billy  in  bed,  with  much  such  a  disconsolate  face  as 
he  had  (page  -I'lb)  when  Jack  Bogcrs  appeared  with  his  hunting 
things.  As,  however,  nobody  ever  admits  being  sick  with  smok- 
ing, Billy  readily  adopted  Cuddy's  suggestion,  and  laid  the  blame 
on  the  pie.  Cuddy,  indeed,  was  good  enough  to  say  he  had  been 
sick  himself,  and  of  course  Billy  had  a  right  to  be  so,  too. 
"  Shouldn't  have  been  so,"  said  Cuddy,  "  if  that  beggar  Bankhead 
had  brought  the  brandy  ;  but  there's  no  getting  anything  out  of 
that  fellow."  And  Cuddy  and  Billy  being  then  placed  upon  terms 
of  equality,  the  interesting  invalids  agreed  to  have  a  walk 
together.  To  this  end  Billy  turned  out  of  bed  and  re-established 
himself  in  his  recently-discarded  coat  and  vest ;  feeling  much  like 
a  man  after  a  bad  passage  from  Dover  to  Calais.  The  two  then 
toddled  do^^^l-stairs  together.  Cuddy  stopping  at  the  bottom  of  the 
flight  to  consult  his  old  friend  tlie  glass,  and  speculate  upon  the 
weather. 

"  Dash  it !  but  it's  falling,"  said  he,  with  a  shake  of  the  head 


AfiK    MAMMA.  265 

after  tapping  it,  "  Didn't  like  the  looks  of  the  sky  this  moniinrj 
■ — wish  there  mayn't  bo  a  storm  bl•c\vint,^  Had  one  just  about 
this  time  last  year.  Would  be  a  horrid  bore  if  hunting  was 
stopped  just  in  its  prime,"  and  talked  like  a  man  with  half-a- 
dozen  horses  fit  to  jump  out  of  their  skins,  instead  of  not  owning 
one.  And  Billy  thought  it  would  be  the  very  thing  for  him  if 
hunting  was  stopped.  With  a  somewiiat  light  heart,  he  folloAved 
Cuddy  through  the  l)ack  slums  to  the  stables. 

"  Sir  i\Ioses  doesn't  sacrifice  much  to  ap])earances,  does  he  ?  " 
asked  Cuddy,  pointing  to  the  wretched  rough-cast  peeling  off  the 
back  walls  of  the  house,  which  were  greened  with  the  drippings  of 
the  broken  spouts. 

"No,"  replied  Billy,  staring  about,  thinking  how  different 
things  looked  there  to  what  they  did  at  the  Carstle. 

"Desperately  afraid  of  paint,"  continued  Cuddy,  looking  about. 
*'  Don't  think  there  has  been  a  lick  of  ]mint  laid  upon  any  place 
Bince  he  got  it.  Always  tell  him  he's  like  a  bad  tenant  at  the  end 
of  a  long  lease,"  which  oi)sorvation  brought  them  to  the  first 
stable-door.  "  Who's  here  ?"  cried  Cuddy,  kicking  at  the  locked 
entrance. 

'•  Who's  there  ?"  demanded  a  voice  fruiu  within. 

"  J/t' .'  J/y, /"'//;/ /o//".^"  replied  Cuddy,  in  a  tone  of  authority; 
"  o/)r)t  lltc  door  '.  "  added  he,  imperiously. 

The  dirty  -  shirted  helper  had  seen  them  coming;  but  the 
servants  generally  looking  upon  Cuddy  as  a  spy,  the  man  had 
locked  the  door  upon  him. 

"Beg  pardon,  sir,"  now  said  the  Catid',  pulling  at  his  cow- 
lick as  he  opened  it ;  '"  l)eg  pardon,  sir,  didn't  know  it  was  you." 

"  Didn't  you,"  replied  Cuddy,  adding,  '"  you  might  have  known 
by  my  knock  ;"  saying  which  Cuddy  stuck  his  cheesey  hat  down 
on  liis  nose,  and  pocketing  his  hands,  ])rucecded  to  scrutinise  the 
stud, 

"  What's  this  'orse  got  a  bandage  on  tur  ?  "  asked  he  about,  one. 
"Why  don't  ye  let  that  'orse's  'ead  down  r  "  demanded  he  of 
another.  "  Strip  this  'orse,"  ordered  he  of  a  third.  Then  Cuddy 
stood  criticising  his  points,  his  legs,  his  loins,  his  hocks,  his  head, 
his  steep  shoulder,  as  he  called  it,  and  then  ordered  the  clothes  to 
be  put  on  again.  So  he  went  from  stable  to  stable,  just  as  he 
does  at  Tattersall's  on  a  Sunday,  Cuddy  being  as  true  to  the 
"corner"  as  the  needle  to  the  jtole,  though,  like  the  children,  he 
looks,  but  never  touches,  that  is  to  say,  "bids,"  at  least  not  for 
himself.  Our  Billy,  soon  tiring  of  this  amusement — if,  indeed, 
iimusement  it  can  be  called — availed  hiinsell'  of  the  interregnum 
I'aused  by  the  outside  passage  from  one  set  of  st;il)les  toimotlici-,  to 
slip  away  to  look  after  his  own  lioi'se,  of  whose  health  he  -uddenly 


2W  ASK    MAMMA, 

remembered  Rougicr  had  spoken  disparagingly  in  the  morning. 
After  some  little  trouble  he  found  the  Juniper-smelling  head 
groom,  snoring  asleep  among  a  heap  of  horse-cloths  belurc  the  lire 
in  the  saddle-room. 

It  is  said  that  a  man  who  is  never  exactly  sober  is  never  quite 
drunk,  and  Jack  Wetun  was  one  of  this  order.  He  was  always 
running  to  the  "  unsophisticated  gin-bottle,"  keeping  up  the 
steam  of  excitement,  but  seldom  overtopping  it,  and  could  shake 
himself  into  apparent  sobriety  in  an  instant.  Like  most  of  Sir 
Moses's  people,  he  was  one  of  the  fallen  angels  of  servitude,  having 
lived  in  high  places,  from  which  his  intemperate  habits  had  ejected 
him  ;  and  he  was  now  gradually  descending  to  that  last  refuge  of 
the  destitute,  the  Ostlership  of  a  farmer's  inn.  Starting  out  of 
his  nest  at  the  rousmg  shake  of  the  helper,  who  holloaed  in  his 
ear  that  "  Mr.  Pringle  wanted  to  see  his  'orse,"  Wetun  stretched 
his  brawny  arms,  and,  rubbing  his  eyes,  at  length  comprehended 
Billy,  when  he  exclaimed  with  a  start,  "  Oss,  sir  ?  Oh,  by  all 
means,  sir  ; "  and,  bundling  on  his  greasy-collared,  iron-grey  coat, 
he  reeled  and  rolled  out  of  the  room,  followed  by  our  friend. 
"  That  (hiccup)  oss  of  (hiccup)  yours  is  (hiccup)  amiss,  I  think 
(hiccup),  sir,"  said  he,  leading,  or  rather  lurching  the  way.  "  A 
w-h-a-w-t  ?  "  drawled  Billy,  watching  Wetun's  tack  and  half-tack 
gait. 

"Amiss  (hiccup) — unwell  —  don't  like  his  (hiccup)  looks," 
replied  the  groom,  roUiug  past  the  stable-door  where  he  was. 
"Oh,  beg  pardon,"  exclaimed  he,  bumping  against  Billy  on  turn- 
ing short  back,  as  he  suddenly  recollected  himself;  "  Beg  pardon, 
he's  in  here,"  added  he,  fnmbling  at  the  door.  It  was  locked. 
Then,  oh  dear,  he  hadn't  got  the  (hiccup)  key,  then  (hiccup) ; 
yes,  he  had  got  the  (hiccup)  key,  as  he  recollected  he  had  his  coat 
on,  and  dived  into  tlic  pocket  for  it.  Then  he  produced  it  ;  and, 
after  making  several  uusuccessful  pokes  at  the  key-hole,  at  lengih 
accomplished  an  entry,  and  liilly  again  saw  Napoleon  the  Great, 
\iow  standing  in  the  promised  two-stalled  stable  along  with  Sir 
Moses's  gig  mare. 

To  a  man  with  any  knowludgo  of  horses,  Xapoleon  certainly  did 
look  very  much  amiss — more  like  a  wooden  horse  at  a  harness- 
maker's,  than  an  animal  meant  to  go,— stiff,  with  liis  fore-legs 
abroad,  and  an  anxious  care-worn  countenance  continually  casi. 
back  at  its  bearing  flanks. 

"  Humph  !  "  said  Billy,  looking  him  over,  as  he  thought,  very 
knowingly.     *'  Not  so  much  amiss,  either,  is  he  ?  " 

"Well,  sir,  what  you  think,"  replied  Wetun,  glad  to  find  that 
Billy  didn't  blame  him  for  his  bad  night's  lodgings. 

"  Oh,  I  dare  say  he'll  be  all  right  in  a  day  or  two,"  observed 


ASK    MAMMA.  257 

Billy,  half  inclined  to  vccommend  his  having  his  feet  put  into 
warm  water. 

"  Ope  po,"  replied  Wetun,  looking  up  the  horse's  red  nostrils, 
adding,  "  but  he's  not  (hiccup)  now,  somehow." 

Just  tlieu  u  long  reverberating  crack  sounded  through  the  court- 
yard, followed  by  the  clattering  of  horses'  hoofs,  and  Wetun 
exclaiming,  "  Here  be  Sir  Moses ! "  dropped  the  poor  horse's 
head,  and  hurried  out  to  meet  his  master,  accompanied  by 
Billy. 

"  Ah,  Pringle  ! "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  gaily  throwing  his  leg 
over  his  horse's  head  as  he  alighted.  "  Ah,  Pringle,  my  dear 
fellow,  what,  got  you  ?  " 

"Well,  what  sport?"  demanded  Cuddy  Flintoff,  rushi.ng  up 
with  eager  anxiety  depicted  on  his  face. 

"  Very  good,"  replied  Sir  Closes,  stamping  the  mud  off  his 
boots,  and  then  giving  himself  a  general  shake;  "very  good," 
repeated  he  ;  "found  at  Lobjolt  Gorse — ran  up  the  banks  and 
down  the  banks,  and  across  to  ]>eatie's  Bog,  then  ovei'  to  Deep- 
well  Rocks,  and  back  again  to  tlic  banks." 

'■^ Did  you  Jcill?^^  demanded  Cuddy,  not  wanting  to  hear 
any  more  about  the  banks — up  the  banks  or  down  the  banks 
eitlier. 

"Why,  no,"  replied  Sir  Moses,  moodily;  "if  that  dom'd  old 
Daddy  Nevins  hadn't  stuck  liis  ugly  old  mug  right  in  the  way,  we 
should  have  forced  him  over  Willowsike  Pastures,  and  doubled 
him  up  in  no  time,  for  we  were  close  upon  him  ;  whereas  the  old 
infidel  bronglit  us  to  a  check,  and  we  never  could  get  upon  terms 
with  liim  again  ;  but,  come,"  continued  Sir  Moses,  wishing  to  cut 
short  this  part  of  the  narrative,  "  k^t's  go  into  the  house  and  get 
ourselves  warmed,  for  the  air's  cold,  and  I  haven't  had  a  bite  since 
breakfast." 

"  Ay,  come  in  !  "  cried  Cuddy,  leading  the  way  ;  "  come  in, 
and  get  Mr.  Pringle  a  drop  of  brandy,  for  he's  eat  something 
that's  disagreed  with  him." 

"  Eat  something  that's  disagreed  with  him.  .Sorry  to  hear 
that ;  what  could  it  be  ? — what  could  it  be  ? "  asked  Sir  Moses, 
as  the  party  now  groped  their  way  along  the  back  jiassages. 

"  Why,  I  blame  the  partridge-pie,"  replied  Cuddy,  demurely. 

"  Not  a  bit  of  it  !  "  rejoined  Sir  Moses — "  not  a  bit  of  it !  eat 
some  myself — eat  some  myself — will  finish  it  now — will  finish  it 
now." 

"We've  saved  you  that  trouble,"  replied  Cuddy,  "fur  we 
finished  it  ourselves." 

"  The  deuce  you  did  I "  exclaimed  Sir  Muses,  adding,  "  and 
were  you  sick  ?  " 


258  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  Squeamish,"  replied  Cudily — "Squeamish  ;  not  so  bad  as  Mr. 
Pringle." 

"  But  bad  enough  to  want  some  brandy,  I  suppose,"  observed 
the  Baronet,  now  entering  the  library. 

"  Quite  so,"  said  Cuddy—"  quite." 

"  Why  didn't  you  get  some  ? — why  didn't  you  get  some  ?  " 
asked  the  Baronet,  moving  towards  the  bell. 

"  Because  Bankhead  has  none  out,"  replied  Mr.  Cuddy,  before 
Sir  Moses  rang. 

"  None  out  !  "  retorted  Sii'  Moses — "  none  out  ! — what  !  have 
you  finished  that  too  !  " 

"  Somebody  has,  it  seems,"  replied  Cuddy,  quite  innocently. 

"  Well,  then,  I'll  tell  you  what  you  must  do — I'll  tell  you  what 
you  must  do,"  continued  the  Baronet,  lighting  a  little  red  taper, 
and  feeling  in  his  pocket  for  the  keys — "yoii  must  go  into  the 
cellar  youreelf  and  get  some — go  into  the  cellar  yourself  and  get 
some  ; "  so  saying.  Sir  Moses  handed  Cuddy  the  candle  and  keys, 
saying,  "shelf  above  the  left  hand  bin  behind  the  door,"  adding, 
"  you  know  it — you  know  it." 

"  Better  bring  two  when  I'm  there,  hadn't  I  ?  "  asked  Cuddy. 

"  Well,"  said  Sir  Moses,  dryly,  "  I  s'pose  there'll  be  no  great 
harm  if  you  do  ;  "  and  away  Cuddy  went. 

"  D-e-e-a-vil  of  a  fellow  to  drink — d-e-e-a-vil  of  a  fellow  to 
drink,"  drawled  Sir  Moses,  listening  to  his  receding  footsteps 
along  the  passage.  He  then  directed  his  blarney  to  Billy.  "  Oh 
dear,  he  was  sorry  to  hear  he'd  been  ill ;  what  could  it  be  ?  Lost 
a  nice  gallop,  too — dom'd  if  he  hadn't.  Couldn't  be  the  pie ! 
Wondered  he  wasn't  down  in  the  morning."  Then  Billy  ex- 
plained that  his  horse  was  ill,  and  that  prevented  him. 

"  Horse  ill  !  "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  throwing  out  his  hands,  and 
raising  his  brows  with  astonishment — "  horse  ill !  0  dear,  but 
that  shouldn't  have  stopped  you,  if  I'd  known — should  have  been 
most  welcome  to  any  of  mine — dom'd  if  you  shouldn't  !  There's 
Pegasus,  or  Atalanta,  or  Will-o'-Lhe-Wisp,  or  any  of  them,  fit  to 
go.  0  dear,  it  was  a  sad  mistake  not  sending  word.  AYonder 
what  Wetun  was  about  not  to  tell  me — would  row  liim  for  not 
doing  so,"  and  as  Sir  ^Foses  went  on  protesting  and  professing  and 
proposing.  Cuddy  Flintoflf's  footstep  and  ^'for-rard  on  !  for-rard 
on  !  "  were  heard  returning  along  the  passage,  and  he  presently 
entered  with  a  bottle  in  each  hand. 

"  There  are  a  brace  of  beauties  !  "  exclaimed  he,  placing  them 
on  the  round  table,  with  the  dew  of  the  cellar  fresh  on  their  sides 
— "  there  are  a  brace  of  blood-like  beauties  !  "  repeated  he,  eyeing 
their  neat  tapering  necks,  "  the  very  race-horse  of  bottles — perfect 
pictures,  I  declare  ;  so  different  to  those  great  lumbering  round- 


ASK    MAMMA.  269 

ghouldcrcf]  Eiif,'lisli  tliinjifs,  that  look  like  black  beer  or  porter,  or 
something  of  that  sort."  Then  Cuddy  ran  off  for  glasses  and 
tumblers  and  water  ;  and  Sir  Moses,  having  taken  a  thimble-full 
of  brandy,  retired  to  change  his  clothes,  declaring  he  felt  chilly  ; 
and  Cuddy,  reigning  in  his  stead,  made  Billy  two  such  uncom- 
monly strong  brews,  that  we  are  sorry  to  say  he  had  to  be  put  to 
bed  shortly  after. 

And  when  Mr.  Bankhead  heard  that  Cuddy  Flintoff  had  been 
sent  to  the  cellar  instead  of  him,  he  declared  it  was  the  greatest 
insult  that  had  ever  been  offered  to  a  gentleman  of  his  "  order,'* 
and  vowed  that  he  would  turn  his  master  off  the  first  thing  in  the 
mornins:. 


CHAPTER    XXXIX. 

MR.    PRINGLE   SUDDENLY   BECOMES    A   MEMBER   OP  THE   H.  H.  H. 

Next  day  being  a  "  dies  non  "  in  the  hunting  way,  Sir  Moses 
Mainchance  lay  at  earth  to  receive  his  steward,  Mr.  ^lordecai 
Nathan,  and  hear  what  sport  he  had  had  as  well  in  hunting  up 
arrears  of  rent  as  in  the  management  of  the  Pangburn  Park  estate 
generally.  Very  sorry  the  accounts  were,  many  of  the  apparent 
dullard  farmers  being  far  more  than  a  match  for  the  sharp  London 
Jew.  Mr.  Mordecai  Nathan  indeed,  declared  that  it  would 
require  a  detective  policeman  to  watch  each  farm,  so  tricky  and 
suljtile  were  the  occupants.  And  as  Sir  Moses  listened  to  the  sad 
recitals,  how  Henery  Brown  &  Co.  had  been  leading  off  their 
stiaw  by  night,  and  Mrs.  TurnbuU  selling  her  hay  by  day,  and 
Jacky  Hindmarch  sowing  his  fallows  without  ever  taking  out  a 
single  weed,  he  vowed  that  they  were  a  set  of  the  biggest  rogues 
under  the  sun,  anJ  deserved  to  be  hung  all  in  a  row, — dom'd  if 
they  didn't  !  And  \i>:  moved  and  seconded  and  carried  a  resolu- 
tion in  his  own  mind,  that  the  man  who  meddled  with  land  as  a 
source  of  revenue  was  a  very  great  goose.  So,  charging  Mr. 
Mordecai  Nathan  to  stick  to  them  for  the  money,  promising  him 
one  per  cent,  more  (making  him  eleven)  on  what  he  recovered,  he 
at  length  dissolved  the  meeting,  most  heartily  wishing  he  had 
Pangburn  Park  in  his  pocket  again.  Meanwhile  ^lessrs.  Flintoff 
and  Pringle  had  yawned  away  the  morning  in  the  usual  dreamy 
loungy  style  of  guests  in  country-houses,  where  the  meals  are  the 
chief  incidents  of  the  day.  Mr.  Pringle  not  choosing  to  be 
tempted  with  any  nmre  "pie,"  had  slipped  away  to  the  sfaMe  as 


200  ASK    MAMMA. 

soon  as  Cuddy  produced  the  dread  cigar-case  after  breakfast,  and 
there  had  a  conference  with  Mr.  "Wctun,  the  stud-groom,  about  his 
horse  Napoleon  the  Great.  The  drunkard  half  laughed  when 
Billy  asked  "  if  he  thought  the  horse  would  be  fit  to  come  out  in 
the  morning,  observing  that  he  thought  it  would  be  a  good  many 
mornins  fust,  adding  that  Mr.  Fleams  the  farrier  had  bled  him, 
but  he  didn't  seem  any  better,  and  that  he  was  coming  back  at 
two  o'clock,  when  p'raps  Mr.  Pringle  had  better  see  him  himself." 
Whereupon  our  friend  Billy,  recollecting  Sir  Moses's  earnest 
deprecation  of  his  having  stayed  at  home  for  want  of  a  horse  the 
day  before,  and  the  liberal  way  he  had  talked  of  Atalanta  and 
Pegasus,  and  he  didn't  know  what  else,  now  charged  Mr.  Wetun 
not  to  mention  his  being  without  a  horse,  lest  Sir  Moses  might 
think  it  nece&sary  to  mount  him  ;  which  promise  being  duly 
accorded,  Billy,  still  shirking  Cuddy,  sought  the  retirement  of  his 
chamber,  where  he  indited  an  epistle  to  his  anxious  Mamma, 
telling  her  all,  how  he  had  left  ^lajor  Yammerton's  and  the 
dangerous  eyes,  and  had  taken  up  his  quarters  with  Sir  Moses 
Mainchance,  a  great  fox  -  hunting  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire 
Baronet  at  Pangburn  Park,  expecting  she  would  be  very  much 
pleased  and  struck  with  the  increased  c<inse()uence.  Instead  of 
which,  however,  though  Mrs.  Pringle  felt  that  he  had  perhaps  hit 
upon  the  lesser  evil,  she  wrote  him  a  very  loving  letter  by  return 
of  post,  saying  she  was  glad  to  henr  he  was  enjoying  himself,  but 
cautioning  him  against  •'  Moses  Mainchance  "  (omitting  the  Sir), 
adding  that  every  man's  character  was  ticketed  in  London,  and 
the  letters  "D.  D."  for  "  Dirty  Dog"  were  appended  to  his.  She 
also  told  him  that  uncle  Jerry  had  been  inquiring  about  him,  and 
begging  she  would  call  upon  him  at  an  early  day  on  matters  of 
business,  all  of  which  will  hereafter  "  more  full  and  at  hirge 
appear,"  as  the  lawyers  say  ;  meanwhile,  we  must  back  the  train 
of  ideas  a  little  to  our  hero.  Just  as  he  was  affixing  the  great 
seal  of  state  to  the  letter,  Cuddy  Flintoflf's  "  for-rard  on  I  for-rard 
on  !  "  was  heard  progressing  along  the  passage,  followed  by  a 
noisy  knock,  with  an  exclamation  of  "  Pringle  "  at  our  friend's 
door. 

"  Come  in  ! "  cried  he  ;  and  in  obedience  to  the  invitation, 
Flintoff  stood  in  the  doorway.  "  Don't  forget,"  said  he,  "  that  we 
dine  at  Hinton  to-day,  and  the  Baronet's  ordered  the  trap  at 
four,"  adding,  "  I'm  going  to  dress,  and  you'd  better  do  the  same." 
So  saying,  Cuddy  closed  the  door,  and  hunted  himself  along  to  his 
own  room  at  the  end  of  the  passage — "  Eleu  m  there!  E'leu  in!  " 
oried  he  as  he  got  to  the  door, 

Hinton,  onre  the  second  town  in  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire, 
Btanda  at  the  confluence  of  the  Long  Brawlingford  and  Riplinjfton 


ASK    MAMMA.  201 

brooks,  whose  united  efforts  here  succeed  in  inakiiif^  a  pretty 
respectable  stream.  It  is  an  old-fasliioued  country  \)\ixcx\  whose 
component  parts  may  be  described  as  consistinj^  of  an  extensive 
market-place,  with  a  massive  church  ol'  the  florid  Gothic,  or 
•^'ingerbread  order  of  architecture  at  one  end,  a  quair.t  stone-roofed, 
stone-pi Uarcd  market  cross  at  the  other,  the  Fox  and  Hounds 
hotel  and  posting-house  on  the  north  side,  with  alternating  shops 
and  public  houses  on  the  south. 

Its  population,  according  to  a  certain  "  sore  subject "  topo- 
graphical dictionary,  was  23,500,  whilst  its  principal  trade  might 
have  been  described  as  "fleecing  the  foxhunters."  That  was  in 
its  golden  days,  when  Lord  IMarLingal  hunted  the  country,  holding 
his  court  at  the  Fox  and  Hounds  hotel,  where  gentlemen  stayed 
with  their  studs  for  months  and  months  together,  instead 
of  whisking  about  with  their  horses  by  steam.  Then  every 
stable  in  the  town  was  occupied  at  very  remunerative  rents, 
and  the  inhabitants  seemed  to  think  they  could  never  build 
enough. 

Like  the  natives  of  most  isolated  places,  the  Hintunites  were 
very  self-suflicicnt,  firmly  believing  that  there  were  no  such 
conjurors  as  themselves  ;  and,  when  the  Crumpletin  railway  was 
projected,  they  resolved  tliat  it  would  ruin  their  town,  and  so  they 
opposed  it  to  a  man,  and  succeeded  in  driving  it  several  miles  ott", 
thus  scattering  their  trade  among  other  places  along  the  line. 
Year  by  year  the  bonnet  and  mantle  shops  grew  less  gay,  the 
ribbons  less  attractive,  until  shop  after  shop  lapsed  into  a  sort  of 
store,  liaDlware  on  one  side,  and  millinery,  perhaps,  on  the  other. 
But  the  greatest  fall  of  all  was  that  of  the  Fox  and  Hounds  hotel 
and  posting-house.  This  spacious  hostelry  iiad  ajtparently  been 
built  with  a  view  of  accommodating  cverylxKly  ;  and,  at  the  time 
of  our  story,  it  loomed  in  deserted  grandeur  in  the  great  grass- 
grown  market-place.  In  structure  it  was  more  like  a  continental 
inn  than  an  English  one  ;  (piadi'angular,  entered  by  a  spacious 
archway,  I'rom  whose  lofty  ceihng  hung  the  crooks,  from  wiience 
used  to  dangle  the  glorious  legs  and  loins  of  fuui'-ycar-old  mutton, 
the  home-fed  hams,  the  geese,  the  ducks,  the  game,  with  not 
unfrequently  a  haunch  or  two  of  presentation  venison.  With  the 
building,  however,  the  similaricy  ended,  the  cobble-stoned  court- 
yard displaying  only  a  few  water-casks  and  a  basket-caged  jay, 
in  lieu  of  the  statues,  and  vases,  and  fountains,  and  flower-stands 
that  grace  the  flagged  courts  of  the  continent.  But  in  former 
days  it  boasted  that  which  in  the  eye  of  our  innkeeper  passes 
show,  namely,  a  goodly  line  of  two-horse  carriages  drawn  across 
its  amplf!  width.  In  those  days  county  I'annlics  moved  like 
<;ounty  families,  in  great  caravan-like  carriages,  with  plenty  of 


262  ASK     MAMMA. 

servants,  who,  haviTi'2:  drunk  tlic  'Park  or  Hall  allowance,  uphold 
their  characters  and  the  honour  of  tlieir  houses,  by  topping  up  the 
measure  of  intemperance  with  their  own  money.  Their  masters 
and  mistresses,  too,  considcrod  the  claims  of  the  innkeepers,  and 
ate  and  drank  for  the  good  of  the  house,  instead  of  sneaking  away 
to  pastry-cooks  for  their  lunches  at  a  third  of  the  price  of  the  inn 
ones.  Not  that  any  landlord  had  ever  made  money  at  the  Fox 
and  Hounds  hotel.  Oh,  no  !  it  would  never  do  to  admit  that. 
Indeed,  Mr.  Binny  used  to  declare,  if  it  wasn't  "  the  great  regard 
he  had  for  Lord  Martingal  and  the  gents  of  his  hunt,  he'd  just 
as  soon  be  without  their  custom  ;  "  just  as  all  Binnys  decry, 
whatever  they  have — military  messes,  hunt  messes,  bar  messes, 
any  sort  of  messes.  They  never  make  anything  by  them — 
not  they. 

Now,  however,  that  the  hunt  was  irrevocably  gone,  words  were 
inadequate  to  convey  old  Peter  the  waiter's  lamentations  at  its 
loss.  "  Oh  dear,  sir  !  "  he  would  say,  as  he  showed  a  stranger  the 
club-room,  once  the  eighth  wonder  of  the  world,  "  Oh  dear,  sir  ! 
I  never  thought  to  see  things  come  to  this  pass.  This  room,  sir, 
used  to  be  occupied  night  after  night,  and  every  Wednesday  we 
had  more  company  than  it  could  possibly  hold.  Now  we  have 
nothing  but  a  miserable  three-and-sixpence  a  head  once  a  month, 
with  Sir  Moses  in  the  chair,  and  a  shilling  a  bottle  for  corkage. 
Formerly  we  had  six  shillings  a  bottle  for  port  and  five  for  sheriy, 
which,  as  our  decanters  didn't  hold  three  parts,  was  pretty  good 
pay."  Then  Peter  would  open  the  shutters  and  show  the  pro- 
portions of  the  room,  with  the  unrivalled  pictures  on  the  walls  : 
Lord  Martingal  on  his  horse,  Lord  Martingal  off  his  horse  ;  Mr. 
Customer  on  his  horse,  Mr.  Customer  oflF  his  horse,  ]\Ir.  Customer 
getting  drunk  ;  Mr.  Crasher  on  his  horse,  Mr.  Crasher  with  a 
hound,  &c.,  all  in  the  old  woodeny  style  that  prevailed  before  the 
gallant  Grant  struck  out  a  fresh  light  in  his  inimitable  "  Break- 
fast," and  "Meet  of  the  Stag-hounds."  But  the  reader  will 
perhaps  accompany  us  to  one  of  Sir  Moses's  "  Wednesday  even- 
ings ; "  for  which  purpose  they  will  have  the  goodness  to  suppose 
the  Baronet  and  Mr.  FlintoflF  arrayed  in  the  dress  uniform  of  the 
hunt — viz.,  scarlet  coats  with  yellow  collars  and  facings,  and  Mr. 
Pringle  attired  in  the  heightof  the  fashion,  bundling  into  one  of  those 
extraordinary-shaped  vehicles  that  modern  times  have  introduced. 
"  Eight ! "  cries  the  footman  from  the  steps  of  the  door,  as 
Bankhead  and  Monsieur  mount  the  box  of  the  carriage,  and  away 
the  well-muffled  party  drive  to  the  scene  of  action. 

The  great  drawback  to  the  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  hunt 
club-room  at  the  Fox  and  Hounds  hotel  and  posting-house  at 
Hinton,  undoubtedly  was,  that  there  wai  no  ante  or  reception 


.I,s7v     .V.l. V.V.I. 


263 


room.  The  guests  ou  alightinjr  from  tlieir  vcliiclcs,  after  asccnd- 
iu<,f  the  broad  straight  flight  of  stairs,  found  tiiemsclvcs  suddenly 
precipitated  into  the  dazzh'ng  dining-room,  with  such  dismanthng 
accommodation  only  as  a  low  screen  before  the  door  at  the  low 
end  of  the  room  aiforded.     The  etfect  therefore  was  much  the 


I  in:  \v  Ml  I. 


same  as   if  an   actor  dressed  for 
audience  ;    a    fox-hiintei'    in    hi 
his  red.  being  \rvy  distinct  an<l 
destrui;tive  of  anytiiing  like    iiiipti 
over  the  accumidatiou  u 


is  |i;ii\  on  tlie  stage  before  the 

wiiips.    and    a   fox-hunter    in 

litlercnt   beings.      It  was  (piite 

,    ■^ing  nourish   or  effect.     More- 

learning  things  on  a  wet  night,  which  it 

generally  was  on  a  clul)  dinner,  added  but   little   to  the  IViiufi'ance 
of  the  I'oom.     So  much  for  generalities  ;  wc  will   no 
our  })artieulai'  dinner. 


ow 


proceed  to 


264  ASK    MAMMA. 

Sir  Moses  being  the  great  gun  of  the  evening,  of  course  timed 
himself  to  arrive  becomingly  late — indeed  the  venerable  post-boy 
who  drove  him,  knew  to  a  moment  when  to  arrive  ;  and  as  the 
party  ascended  the  straight  flight  of  stairs  they  met  a  general 
buzz  of  conversation  coming  down,  high  above  which  rose  the 
discordant  notes  of  the  Laughing  Hyaena.  It  was  the  first  hunt- 
dinner  of  the  season,  and  being  the  one  at  which  Sir  Moses 
generally  broached  his  sporting  requirements,  parties  thought  it 
prudent  to  be  present,  as  well  as  to  hear  the  prospects  of  the 
season  as  to  protect  their  own  pockets.  To  this  end  some  twenty 
or  five-and-twenty  variegated  guests  were  assembled,  the  majority 
dressed  in  the  red  coat  and  yellow  facings  of  the  hunt,  exhibiting 
every  variety  of  cut,  from  the  tight  short-waisted  swallow-tails  of 
Mr.  Crasher's  (the  contemporary  of  George  the  Fourth)  reign, 
down  to  the  sack -like  garment  of  the  present  day.  Many  of  them 
looked  as  if,  having  got  into  their  coats,  they  were  never  to  get 
out  of  them  again,  but  as  pride  feels  no  pain,  if  asked  about  them, 
they  would  have  declared  they  were  quite  comfortable.  The  dark- 
coated  gentry  were  principally  farmers,  and  tradespeople,  or  the 
representatives  of  great  men  in  the  neighbourhood.  Mr.  Buck- 
wheat, Mr.  Doubledrill,  Mr.  James  Corduroys,  Mr.  Stephen 
Broadfurrow ;  Mr.  Pica,  of  the  "  Hit-im  and  Ilold-im  shire 
Herald ; "  Hicks,  the  Flying  Hatter,  and  his  shadow  Tom 
Snowdon  the  draper  or  Damper,  Manford  the  corn-merchant, 
Smith  the  saddler.  Tlien  there  was  Mr.  ]\[ossman.  Lord 
Polkaton's  Scotch  factor,  Mr.  Squeezeley,  Sir  Morgan  Wildair's 
agent,  Mr.  Lute,  on  behalf  of  Lord  Harpsichord,  Mr.  Stifi"  repre- 
senting Sir  George  Persiflage,  &c.,  &c.  These  latter  were  watch- 
ing the  proceedings  for  their  employers,  Sir  Moses  having  declared 
that  Mr.  Mossman,  on  a  former  occasion  (see  page  188,  ante), 
had  volunteered  to  subscribe  fifty  pounds  to  the  hounds,  on  behalf 
of  Lord  Polkaton,  and  Sir  Moses  had  made  his  lordship  pay  it 
too — "dom'd  if  he  hadn't."  With  this  sketch  of  the  company, 
let  us  now  proceed  to  the  entry. 

Though  the  current  of  conversation  had  been  anything  but 
flattering  to  our  master  before  his  arrival,  yet  the  reception  they 
now  gave  him,  as  he  emerged  from  behind  the  screen,  might  have 
made  a  less  self-sufficient  man  than  Sir  Moses  think  he  was 
Gitremcly  poi)nlar.  Hidcod,  they  rushed  at  him  in  a  way  that 
none  but  Briareus  himself  could  have  satisfied.  They  all  wanted 
to  hug  him  at  once.  Sir  Closes  having  at  length  appeased  their 
enthusiasm,  and  given  his  beak  a  good  blow,  proceeded  to  turn 
part  of  their  politeness  upon  Billy,  by  introducing  him  to  those 
around.  Mr.  Pringle,  Mr.  Jarperson — Mr.  Pringle,  Mr.  Paul 
Straddler— Mr.  Pringle,  Mr.  John  BuUrush,  and  so  on. 


THE    HIT-IM    AND    HOLD-IM    SHIRE    HUNT. 


ASK    MAMMA.  26e 

Meanwhile  Cuddy  Flintoff  kept  up  a  series  of  view  halloas  and 
hunting  noises,  as  guest  after  guest  claimed  the  loan  of  his  hand 
for  a  shake.  So  they  were  all  very  hearty  and  joyful  as  members 
of  a  fox-hunting  club  ought  to  be.    . 

The  rules  of  the  Hit-im  and  Hold-im-sbire  hunt,  like  those  of 
many  other  hunts  and  institutions,  were  sometimes  very  stringent, 
and  sometimes  very  lax — very  stringent  when  an  objectionable 
candidate  presented  himself — very  lax  when  a  good  one  was  to  be 
obtained.  On  the  present  occasion  Sir  Moses  Mainchance  had 
little  difficulty  in  persuading  the  meeting  to  suspend  the  salutary 
rule  (No.  6)  requiring  each  new  candidate  to  be  proposed  and 
seconded  at  one  meeting,  and  his  name  placed  above  the  mantel- 
piece in  the  chib-room,  until  he  was  ballotted  for  at  another  meeting, 
in  favour  of  the  nephew  of  his  old  friend  and  brother  Baronet,  Sir 
Jonathan  Pringle  ;  whom  he  described  as  a  most  promising  young 
sportsman,  and  likely  to  make  a  most  valuable  addition  to  their 
hunt.  And  the  members  all  seeing  mattei^s  in  that  light,  Cuddy 
Flintoff  was  despatched  for  the  ballot-box,  so  that  there  might  be 
no  interruption  to  the  advancement  of  dinner  by  summoning 
Peter.  Meanwhile  Sir  Moses  resumed  the  introductory  process, 
Mr.  Hcslop  Mr.  Pringle,  Mr.  Pringle  Mr.  Smoothley,  Mr.  Drew 
Mr.  Pringle,  helping  Billy  to  the  names  of  such  faces  as  he  could 
not  identity  for  want  of  their  hunting  caps.  Cleverer  fellows  than 
Billy  are  puzzled  to  do  that  sometimes. 

Presently  ^Ir.  Flintoff  returned  with  the  rat-trap-like  ballot-box 
under  his  arm,  and  a  willow-pattern  soup-plate  with  some  beans  in 
the  bottom  of  it,  in  his  hand, 

"  Make  way  !  "  cried  he,  "  make  way  !  "  advanciu'j;  up  the  room 
with  all  the  dignity  of  a  mace-bearer.  "  Where  will  you  have  it, 
Sir  Moses  ?  "  asked  he,  "  where  will  you  have  it,  Sir  Moses  ? " 

"  Here  !  "  i'(]ilied  the  Baronet,  seizing  a  card-table  from  below 
the  portrait  of  Mr.  Customer  getting  drunk,  and  setting  it  out  a 
little  on  the  left  of  the  lire.  The  ballot-box  was  then  duly 
deposited  on  the  centre  of  the  green  baize  with  a  composito 
candle  on  each  side  of  it. 

Sir  Moses,  then  thinking  to  n^ake  up  in  dignity  what  he  had 
sacrificed  to  expediency,  now  called  upon  the  meeting  to  appoint 
a  Scrutineer  on  behalf  of  the  club,  and  parties  caring  little  who 
they  named  so  long  as  they  were  not  kept  waiting  for  dinner, 
holloaed  out  "  Mr.  Flintoff!  "  whereupon  Sir  Moses  put  it  to  them 
if  they  were  all  content  to  have  ^Ir.  Flintoff'  appointed  to  the 
important  and  responsible  office  of  Scrutineer,  and  receiving  a 
shower  of ''yes-es  !  "  in  reply,  he  declared  Mr.  Flintoff  was  duly 
elected,  and  requested  him  to  enter  upon  the  duties  of  his 
office. 

U 


266  ASK    MAMMA. 

Cuddy,  then  turning  up  his  red  coat  wrists,  so  that  there  might 
be  no  suspicion  of  concealed  beans,  proceeded  to  open  and  turn  the 
drawers  of  the  ballot-box  upside  down,  in  order  to  show  that  they 
were  equally  clear,  and  then  restoring  them  below  their  "  Yes " 
and  "  No  "  holes,  he  took  his  station  behind  the  table  with  tlie 
soup-plate  in  his  hand  ready  to  drop  a  bean  into  each  member's 
hand,  as  he  advanced  to  receive  it.  Mr.  Heslop  presently  led  the 
way  at  a  dead -march -in -Saul  sort  of  pace,  and  other  members 
falling  in  behind  like  railway  passengers  at  a  pay  place,  there  was 
a  coutiuuous  dropping  of  beans  for  some  minutes,  a  solemn  silence 
being  preserved  as  if  the  parties  expected  to  hear  on  which  side 
they  fell. 

At  length  the  constituency  was  exhausted,  and  Mr.  Flintoff 
having  assumed  the  sand-glass,  and  duly  proclaimed  that  he  should 
close  the  ballot,  if  no  member  appeared  before  the  first  glass  was 
out,  speedily  declared  it  was  run,  when,  laying  it  aside,  he  emptied 
the  soup-plate  of  the  remaining  beans,  and  after  turning  it  upside 
down  to  show  the  perfect  fairness  of  the  transaction,  handed  it  to 
Sir  Moses  to  hold  for  the  result.  Drawing  out  the  "  Yes  "  drawer 
first,  he  proceeded  with  great  gravity  to  count  the  beans  out  into 
the  soup-plate — one,  two,  three,  four,  five,  six,  seven,  and  so  on, 
up  to  eighteen,  when  the  inverted  drawer  proclaimed  they  were 
done. 

"  Eighteen  Ayes,"  announced  Sir  Moses  to  the  meeting,  amid 
a  murmur  of  applause. 

Mr.  Flintoff  then  produced  the  dread  "No,"  or  black-ball 
drawer,  whereof  one  to  ten  white  excluded,  and  turning  it  upside 
down,  announced,  in  a  tone  of  triumph,  "  none  !  " 

"  Hooray  ! "  cried  Sir  Moses,  seizing  our  hero  by  both  hands, 
and  hugging  him  heartily — "  Hooray  !  give  you  joy,  my  boy ! 
you're  a  member  of  the  first  club  in  the  world  !  The  Caledonian's 
nothing  to  it ; — dom'd  if  it  is."  So  saying,  he  again  swung 
him  severely  by  the  arms,  and  then  handed  him  over  to  the 
meeting. 

And  thus  Mr.  Pringle  was  elected  a  member  of  the  Hit-im  and 
Hold-im  shire  hunt,  without  an  opportunity  of  asking  his  Mamma, 
for  the  best  of  all  reasons,  that  Sir  Moses  had  not  even  asked  him 
hinaselfc 


ASK    MAMMA, 


267 


CHAPTER    XL. 

THE   HUNT    DIXXER. 

CARCELY  were  the 
coiijrnttulations  of  the 
conipiiny  to  our  liero, 
oiihisl)eforuiiit>-aiiicin- 
bcr  of  the  roiiowned 
Hit-im  and  Ifo.'d-im 
sliire  hunt  over,  ere 
a  great  rush  of  dinner 
poured  into  tlie  room, 
borne  l)y  Peter  and 
tlic  usual  miscella- 
iieous  attendants  at  an 
inn  banquet  ;  servants 
in  h'very,  servants  out 
of  livery,  servants  in  a 
sort  of  half-livery,  ser- 
vants in  [)lace.  servants 
out  of  j)!ace.  ])ost-lif»ys 
convert(;d  into  fdot- 
nien,  "•  IxKits  ""  j.ut  into 
sho(N.  Tlicn  tlu;  car- 
rot and  turnip  y-ar- 
ui.-lir(]  i'(  asts  andhoils, 
and  stews  were  ei'dwd-Ml  down  the  table,  in  a  ]ii'nriis;(iii  that  would 
astonish  any  (i!ie  who  rhiiiks  it  inip<issil)lo  to  dine  under  a  guinea 
a  head.  Ijouuils,  sii'lMins,  saddles,  sueking-pii:'s.  ])onltry,  iV:e.  (for 
they  dis)ien<ed  with  i\v  foiiiialities  of  soup  and  iisli ),  lieiuir  duly 
(hstfih'.i ■(•(!,  i'cter  auiioiiuecd  th'.'  I'm't  d^'f 'ivjit  ially  to  Sir  ^bisrs.  as 
he  s;ood  lui'iiopdjivinir  ilicbest  ]ilaee  before  the  fife.  whereu])on 
the  l5ai-oUi_'f.  drawiut:'  liis  hands  out  of  his  treiusef's  pockets, 
let  (all  his  Vi'lfiwdiued  lai'S.  and.  clappiiii:'  his  hands,  exclaimed. 
"  Di.WKi;.  ciiN  ri,i;Mi:.\  ! ""  in  a  stciit,,rian  \oiee.  adding,  "  riM.vci.i;  ! 
y<iu  sit  (Ml  my  f!L:iii  I  and  ("ruDV  !  "'  a]ijiealing  to  otir  friend 
!''liiUoir.  "will  you  take  the  \  iei'-chaif  r  "" 

"  With  all  my  limrt  !  ""  repli^'d  Ciiildy,  w  hri-ciipon.  making  an 
imaginary  lium  iiiu-hoiii  <il'  his  hand,  he  |HH  it  to  lii<  ninuih,  and 
weiu  blowiiiu-  and  lionpiiig  down  the  room,  to  eiitiee  a  certain 
portion  of  the  giiots  aftt'i'  him.  .Ml  pariii's  brin^-  at  I'ligth 
suited  with  seats,  u'race  was  said,  and  the  assault  commenced  witli 
the  viLfcfdUs  driri'iiiiiiat  iMii  of  o\ cr-diic  ap[ii'ii:c>. 


"  IN  Tin:  r- in.: 


S68  ASK    MAMMA. 

If  a  hand-in-the-pocket-hunt-dinner  possesses  few  attractions  in 
the  way  ul"  fare,  it  is  nevertheless  free  from  the  restraints  and  anxie- 
ties that  pervade  private  entertainments,  where  the  host  cranes  at 
the  facetious  as  he  scowls  at  his  butler,  or  madamc  mingles  her 
pleasantries  with  prayers  for  the  safe  arrival  of  the  creams,  and  those 
extremely  capricious  sensitive  jellies.  People  eat  as  if  they  had  come 
to  dine  and  not  to  talk,  some,  on  this  occasion,  eating  with  their 
knives,  some  with  their  forks,  some  with  both  occasionally.  And 
so,  what  with  one  aid  and  another,  they  made  a  very  great  clatter. 

The  first  qualms  of  hunger  being  at  length  appeased,  Sir  Moses 
proceeded  to  select  subjects  for  politeness  in  the  wine-taking  way 
— men  whom  he  could  not  exactly  have  at  his  own  house,  but  who 
might  be  prevented  from  asking  for  cover-rent,  or  damages, by  a  little 
judicious  flattery,  or  again,  men  who  were  only  supposed  to  be  luke- 
warmly disposed  towards  the  great  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  hunt. 

Sir  Moses  would  rather  put  his  hand  into  a  chimney-sweep's 
pocket  than  into  his  own,  but  so  long  as  anything  could  be  got 
by  the  tongue  he  never  begrudged  it.  So  he  "  sherried "  with 
Mossman  and  the  army  of  observation  generally,  also  with  Pica, 
who  always  puffed  his  hunt,  cutting  at  D'Orsay  Davis's  efforts  on 
behalf  of  the  Earl,  and  with  Buckwheat  (whose  son  he  had  recently 
dom'd  a  la  Rowley  Abingdon),  and  with  Corduroys,  and  Straddler, 
and  Hicks,  and  Doubledrill — with  nearly  all  the  dark  coats,  in 
short — Cuddy  Flintoff,  too,  kept  the  game  a-going  at  his  end 
of  the  table,  as  well  to  promote  conviviality  as  to  get  as  much 
wine  as  he  could  ;  so  altogether  there  was  a  pretty  brisk  consump- 
tion, and  some  of  the  tight-clad  gentlemen  began  to  look  rather 
apoplectic.  Cannon-ball-like  plum-puddings,  hip-bath-like  apple- 
pies,  and  foaming  creams,  completed  the  measure  of  their  uneasi- 
ness, and  left  little  room  for  any  cheese.  Nature  being  at  length 
most  abundantly  satisfied  throughout  the  assembly,  grace  was 
again  said,  and  the  cloth  cleared  for  action.  The  regulation  port 
and  sherry,  with  light — very  light — Bordeaux,  being  duly  placed 
upon  the  table,  with  piles  of  biscuits  at  intervals,  down  the  centre, 
Sir  Moses  tapped  the  well-indented  mahogany  with  his  presidential 
hammer,  and  proceeded  to  prepare  the  guests  for  the  great  toast 
of  the  evening,  by  calling  upon  them  to  fill  bumpers  to  the  usual 
loyal  and  patriotic  ones.  These  being  duly  disposed  of,  he  at  length 
rose  for  the  all-important  let  off,  amid  the  nudges  and  "  now  then's," 
of  such  of  the  party  as  feared  a  fi-esh  attempt  on  their  pockets — 
Mossman  and  Co.,  in  particular,  were  all  eyes,  ears,  and  fears. 

"  Gentlemen  !  "  cries  Sir  Moses,  rising  and  diving  his  hands 
into  his  trouser's  pockets — "  Gentlemen  !  "  repeated  he,  with  an 
ominous  cough,  that  ponndod  very  like  cash. 

"Hark  to  the  Baronet: — harkf''  cheered  Cuddy  FlintolT  from 


ASK    MAMMA.  269 

the  other  end  of  the  room,  thus  cuttiii<^  short  a  discussion  aliouL  wool, 
a  bargain  for  beans,  and  an  inquiry  for  snuff  in  his  own  immediate 
neighbourhood,  and  causing  a  ta))ping  of  tlie  table  further  up. 

"  Gentlemen  ! "  repeated  Sir  Moses,  for  the  third  time,  amid 
cries  of  "  hear,  hear,"  and  "  order,  order," — "  I  now  have  tlic 
pleasure  of  introducing  to  your  notice  tlie  toast  of  the  evening — 
a  toast  endeared  by  a  thousand  associations,  and  rendered  classical 
by  the  recollection  of  the  great  and  good  men  who  have  given  it 
in  times  gone  by  from  this  very  chair — (applause).  I  need  hardly 
say,  gentlemen,  that  that  toast  is  the  renowned  llit-im  and  Hold- 
im  shire  hunt — (renewed  applause) — a  hunt  second  to  none  in  tlie 
kingdom  ;  a  hunt  whose  name  is  famous  throughout  the  land,  and 
whose  members  are  the  very  flower  and  elite  of  society — (renewed 
applause).  Never,  he  was  happy  to  say,  since  it  was  established, 
were  its  prospects  so  bright  and  cheering  as  they  were  at  the 
present  time — (great  applause,  the  announcement  being  considered 
indicative  of  a  healthy  exchequer) —  its  country  was  great,  its 
covers  perfect,  and  thanks  to  their  truly  invaluable  allies — the 
farmers — their  foxes  must  abundant — (renewed  applause).  Of 
those  excellent  men  it  was  impossible  to  speak  in  terms  of  too 
great  admiration  and  respect — (applause) — whether  he  looked  at 
tiiose  he  was  blessed  with  upon  his  own  estate — (laughter) — or  at 
the  great  body  generally,  he  was  lost  for  words  to  express  his 
opinion  of  their  patriotism,  and  the  obligations  he  felt  under 
to  them.  So  far  from  ever  hinting  at  such  a  thing  as  damage,  he 
really  believed  a  ftirmer  would  be  hooted  from  the  market-table 
who  broached  such  a  subject — (applause,  with  murmurs  of  dissent) 
— or  who  even  admitted  it  was  possible  that  any  could  be  done — 
(laughter  and  applause).  As  for  a  few  cocks  and  hens,  he  was 
sure  they  felt  a  pletusure  in  presenting  them  to  the  foxes.  At  all 
events,  he  could  safely  say  he  had  never  paid  for  any — (renewed 
laughter).  Looking,  therefore,  at  the  hunt  in  all  its  aspects — its 
sport  past,  present,  and  to  come— ho  felt  that  he  never  addressed 
them  under  circumstances  of  greater  promise,  or  with  feelings  of 
livelier  satisfaction.  It  only  remained  for  them  to  keep  matters  up 
to  the  present  niai'k,  to  insure  great  and  permanent  prosperity. 
He  begged,  therefore,  to  propose,  with  all  the  honours,  Success  to 
the  Hit-im  and  Ilold-im  shire  hunt  !  " — (drunk  with  three  times 
three  and  one  cheer  more).  Sir  Moses  and  Cuddy  Flintotf  mount- 
in''  their  chairs  to  mark  time.  Fliutofl' finishing  off  with  a  round  of 
view  halloas  and  other  hunting  noises. 

"When  the  applause  and  Sir  Closes  had  both  subsided,  parties 
who  had  felt  uneasy  about  their  pockets,  began  to  breathe  more 
freely,  and  as  the  bottles  again  circulated,  Mr.  Mossmanand  others, 
for  whom  wine  was  too  cold,  slipped  out  to  get  their  pipes,  and 


270  ASS:    MAMMA. 

something  warm  in  the  bar  ;  Mossman  calling  for  whiskey,  Buck- 
wheat for  brandy,  Broadfurrow  for  gin,  and  so  on.  Then  as  they 
sugared  and  flavoured  tlieir  tumblers,  they  chewed  the  cud  of  Sir 
Moses's  eloquence,  and  at  length  commenced  discussing  it,  as 
each  man  got  seated  with  his  pipe  in  his  mouth  and  his  glass  on 
his  knee,  in  a  little  glass-fronted  bar. 

"  What  a  man  he  is  to  talk,  that  Sir  j\Ioses,"  observed  Buck- 
wheat after  a  long  respiration. 

"  He's  a  greet  ccoonomist  of  the  truth,  I  reckon,"  replied  j\Ir. 
^lossman,  withdrawing  his  pipe  from  his  mouth,  "  for  I've  written 
to  him  till  I'm  tired,  about  last  year's  damage  to  ]\Irs.  Anthill's 
Sown  grass." 

"  He's  right,  though,  in  saying  he  never  paid  for  poultry," 
observed  Mr.  Broadfurrow,  with  a  humorous  shake  of  his  big  head, 
"  but,  my  word,  liis  hook-nosed  agent  has  as  many  letters  as  would 
]iaper  a  room  ; "  and  so  they  sipped,  and  smoked,  and  talked  the 
Baronet  over,  each  man  feeling  considerably  relieved  at  there  being 
no  fi-esh  attempt  on  the  pocket. 

Meanwhile  Sir  Moses,  with  the  aid  of  Cuddy  Flintotf,  trimmed 
the  table,  and  kept  the  bottles  circulating  briskly,  presently  calling 
on  Mr.  Paul  Straddler  for  a  song,  who  gave  them  the  old  heroic 
one,  descriptive  of  a  gallant  run  with  the  Hit-im  and  Hold-im 
shire  hounds,  in  the  days  of  Mr.  Customer,  at  which  they  all 
laughed  and  applauded  as  heartily  as  if  they  had  never  heard  it 
before.  They  then  drank  Mr.  Straddler's  health,  and  thanks  to 
him  for  his  excellent  song. 

As  it  proceeded,  Sir  Moses  intimated  quietly  to  our  friend 
Billy  Pringle  that  he  should  propose  his  health  next,  which  would 
enable  i\Ir.  Pringle  to  return  the  compliment  by  proposing  Sir 
Closes,  an  announcement  that  threw  our  hero  into  a  very  consider- 
able state  of  trepidation,  but  from  which  he  saw  no  mode  of  escape. 
Sir  i\Ioscs  then  having  allowed  a  due  time  to  elapse  after  the 
applause  that  followed  the  drinking  of  Mr.  Straddler's  health,  again 
arose,  and  tapping  the  table  with  his  hammer,  called  upon  them  to 
fill  bumpers  to  the  health  of  his  young  friend  on  his  right  (applause). 
"  He  could  not  express  the  pleasure  it  afforded  him,"  he  said,  "  to 
see  a  nephew  of  his  old  friend  and  brother  Baronet,  Sir  Jonathan 
Pringle,  become  a  member  of  their  excellent  hunt,  and  he  hoped 
Billy  would  long  live  to  enjoy  the  glorious  diversion  of  fox-hunt- 
ing," which  Sir  Moses  said  it  was  the  bounden  duty  of  every 
true-born  Briton  to  support  to  the  utmost  of  his  ability,  for  that 
it  was  peculiarly  the  sport  of  gentlemen,  and  about  the  only  one 
that  defied  the  insidious  arts  of  the  blackleg,  adding  that  Lord 
Derby  was  quite  right  in  saying  that  racing  had  got  into  the 
bauds  of  parties  who  kept  horses  not  for  sport,  but  as  mere  instru- 


ASK    MAMMA.  271 

ments  of  gambling,  and  if  his  (Sir  Moses's)  young  friend,  Mr. 
Pringle,  would  allow  him  to  counsel  him,  he  would  say,  Never  have 
anything  to  do  with  the  turf  (applause).  Stick  to  hunting,  and  if  it 
didn't  bring  him  in  money,  it  would  bring  him  in  health,  which 
was  better  than  money,"  with  which  declaration  Sir  Moses  most 
cordially  proposed  Mr.  Pringle's  health  (drunk  with  three  times 
three  and  one  cheer  more). 

Now  our  friend  had  never  made  a  speech  in  his  life,  but  being, 
as  we  said  at  the  outset,  blessed  with  a  great  determination  of 
words  to  the  mouth,  he  rose  at  a  hint  fi'om  Sir  Moses,  and  assured 
the  company  "  how  grateful  he  was  for  the  honour  they  had  done 
him  as  well  in  electing  him  a  member  of  their  delightful  sociable 
hunt,  as  in  responding  to  the  toast  of  his  health  in  the  flattering 
manner  they  had,  and  he  could  assure  them  that  nothing  should 
be  wanting  on  his  ])art  to  promote  the  interests  of  the  establish- 
ment, and  to  prove  himself  worthy  of  their  continued  good  opinion," 
at  which  intimation  Sir  Moses  winked  knowingly  at  Mr.  Smoothley, 
who  hemmed  a  recognition  of  his  meaning. 

Meanwhile  Mr.  Pringle  stood  twirling  his  trifling  moustache, 
wishing  to  sit  down,  but  feeling  there  was  something  to  keep  him 
up  :  still  he  couldn't  hit  it  olT.  Even  a  friendly  round  of  applause 
tailed  to  help  him  out ;  at  length,  Sir  Moses,  fearing  he  might  stop 
altogether,  whispered  the  words  "iVy  health,''''  just  under  his 
nose  ;  at  which  Billy  perking  np,  exclaimed,  "  Oh,  aye,  to  be 
sure  ! "  and  seizing  a  decanter  under  him,  he  filled  himself  a 
bumper  of  port,  calling  upon  tlie  company  to  follow  his  example. 
This  favour  being  duly  accorded,  our  friend  then  proceeded,  in  a 
very  limping,  halting  sort  of  way.  to  eulogise  a  man  with  whom  he 
was  very  little  acquainted  amid  the  I'riendly  word-supplying  cheers 
and  plaudits  of  the  party.  At  length  he  stopped  again,  still  feel- 
ing that  he  was  not  due  on  his  seat,  but  quite  unable  to  say 
why  he  should  not  resume  it.  The  company  thinking  he  might 
have  something  to  say  to  tlie  purpose,  how  he  meant  to  hunt  with 
them,  or  sometliing  of  that  sort,  again  supplied  the  cheers  of 
encouragement.     It  was  ol  no  use,  however,  he  couldn't  hit  it  off. 

+  **♦♦♦ 

'■^  All  the  honors  !  "  at  length  whispered  Sir  Moses  as  bcfnre. 

"  0,  ah,  to  be  sure  !  all  the  honors ! "  replied  Billy  aloud, 
amidst  the  mirth  of  the  neighbours.  "  Gentlemen  !  "  continued 
he,  elevating  his  voice  to  its  former  pitch,  "This  toast  I  feel 
assured — that  is  to  say,  I  feel  quite  certain.  I  mean,"  stammered 
he,  stamping  with  his  foot,  "  1,  I,  I." 

''^  Aye,  7100  ihou's  V  Watlington  woods  1^''  exclaimed  the  half- 
drunken  Mr.  Corduroys,  an  announcement  that  drew  forth  such  a 


272  ASK    MAMMA. 

roar  of  laughter  as  enabled  Billy  to  tack  the  words,  "all  the  honors!** 
to  the  end,  and  so  with  elevated  glass  to  continue  the  noise  with 
cheers.  He  then  sate  down  perfectly  satisfied  with  this  his  first 
performance,  feeling  that  he  had  the  germs  of  oratory  within  him. 

A  suitable  time  having  elapsed,  Sir  Moses  rose  and  returned 
thanks  with  great  vigour,  declaring  that  beyond  all  comparison 
that  was  the  proudest  moment  of  his  life,  and  that  he  wouldn't 
exchange  the  mastership  of  the  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  hounda 
for  the  highest,  the  noblest  office  in  the  world — Dom'd  if  he  would  ! 
with  which  asseveration  he  drank  all  their  very  good  healths,  and 
resumed  his  seat  amidst  loud  and  long  continued  applause,  the 
timidest  then  feeling  safe  against  further  demands  on  their  purses 
Another  song  quickly  followed,  and  then  according  to  the  usual 
custom  of  society,  that  the  more  you  abuse  a  man  in  private  the 
more  you  praise  him  in  public.  Sir  Moses  next  proposed  the  health 
of  that  excellent  and  popular  nobleman  the  Earl  of  Ladythorne, 
whose  splendid  pack  showed  such  unrivalled  sport  in  the  adjoining 
county  of  Featherbedford  ;  Sir  Moses,  after  a  great  deal  of  flattery, 
concluding  by  declaring  that  he  would  "  go  to  the  world's  end  to 
serve  Lord  Ladythorne — Dom'd  if  he  wouldn't,"  a  sort  of  compli- 
ment that  the  noble  Earl  never  reciprocated ;  on  the  contrary, 
indeed,  when  he  condescended  to  admit  the  existence  of  such  a 
man  as  Sir  Moses,  it  was  generally  in  that  well-known  disparaging 
enquiry,  "  "Who  is  that  Sir  Aaron  Mainchance  ?  or  who  is  that  Sir 
Somebody  Mainchance,  who  hunts  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  ?  " 
He  never  could  hit  off  the  Baronet's  Christian  or  rather  Jewish 
name.  Now,  however,  it  was  all  the  noble  Earl,  "my  noble 
friend  and  brother  master,"  the  "noble  and  gallant  sportsman," 
and  so  on.  Sir  Moses  thus  partly  revenging  himself  on  his  lordship 
with  the  freedom. 

When  a  master  of  hounds  has  to  borrow  a  "  draw "  from  an 
adjoining  country,  it  is  generally  a  pretty  significant  hint  that  his 
own  is  exhausted,  and  when  the  chairman  of  a  hunt  dinner  begins 
toasting  his  natural  enemy  the  adjoining  master,  it  is  pretty 
evident  that  the  interest  of  the  evening  is  over.  So  it  was  on  the 
present  occasion.  Broad  backs  kept  bending  away  at  intervals, 
thinking  nobody  saw  them,  leaving  large  gaps  unclosed  up,  while 
the  guests  that  remained  merely  put  a  few  drops  in  the  bottoms 
of  their  glasses  or  passed  the  bottles  altogether. 

Sir  Aaron,  we  beg  his  pardon — Sir  j\Ioses,  perceiving  this,  and 
knowing  the  value  of  a  good  report,  called  on  those  who  were  left 
to  "  fill  a  bumper  to  the  health  of  their  excellent  and  truly  in- 
valuable friend  Mr.  Pica,  contrasting  his  quiet  habits  with  the 
swaggering  bluster  of  a  certain  Brummagem  Featherbedfordshire 
D'Orsay."     (Drunk  with   great  applause,  D'Orsay  Davis  having 


ASK    MAMMA. 


273 


more  than  once  sneered  at  the  equestrian  prowess  of  the  Hit-im 
and  Hokl-im  shire-ites.) 

Mr.  Pica,  who  was  a  fisherman  and  a  very  bad  one  to  boot,  then 
arose  and  began  dribbling  oat  the  old  stereotyped  formula  about 
air  we  breathe,  have  it  not  we  die,  &c.,  which  was  a  signal  for  a 
general  rise ;  not  all  Sir  Moses  and  Cuddy  Flintolf's  united  efforts 
being  able  to  restrain  the  balance  of  guests  from  breaking  away, 
and  a  squabble  occurring  behind  the  screen  about  a  hat,  the  chance 
was  soon  irrevocably  gone.  Mr.  Pica  was,  therefore,  left  alone  in 
his  glory.  If  any  one,  however,  can  afford  to  be  indifferent  about 
being  heard,  it  is  surely  an  editor  who  can  report  himself  in  his 
paper,  and  poor  Pica  did  himself  ample  justice  in  the  "Hit-im  and 
Hold-im  shire  Herald  "  on  the  Saturday  following. 


CHAPTER    XLI. 


THE    HUXT   TEA.--BUS1IEY   HEATH   AND    BARE    ACRES. 

IE  ir)th  rnlo  of 
the  Hit-im  and 
Hold  -  im  shire 
hunt,  provides 
that  all  meiubers 
who  dine  at  the 
club,  may  have 
tea  and  mutliiis 
ad  lil)itum  for 
Gd.  a  head  after- 
wai'ds,  and  cer- 
tainly nothing 
call  be  more  re- 
freshing after  a 
brawling  riotous 
dinner  than  a 
little  (piier.  com- 
fortalik'  iMilicn. 
Sir  Moses  always 
had  his  six- 
''■■'•'^  '■■'""^■^■■'  ])cnn"(.rtli,aslia(l 

Iricnds    and    f'oJIowci's.      Indci'd    rlu'    rule 
the    l>aronct's,   such  a   thing  as  tea  being 
unheard  of'  in  the  reign  of  Mr.  Customer,  or  any  of  Sir  .Mosrss 
great   predecessors,     those  were  the  days  of  •"life   hini   up  and 


a    good    inau\ 
was   a    ])ropositiuu 


274  ASK    MAMMA, 

carry  him  to  bed."  Thank  goodness  they  are  gone  I  Men  can 
hunt  without  thinking  it  necessary  to  go  out  with  a  headache. 
Beating  a  jug  in  point  of  capacity  is  no  longer  considered  the 
accomplishment  of  a  gentleman. 

Mr.  Pica's  eloquence  having  rather  prematurely  dissolved  the 
meeting,  Sir  Moses  and  his  fi-iends  now  congregated  round  the 
fire  all  very  cheery  and  well  pleased  with  themselves — each  flatter- 
ing the  other  in  hopes  of  getting  a  compliment  in  return.  "Gone 
off  amazingly  well !  "  exclaimed  one,  rubbing  his  hands  in  delight 
at  its  being  over.  "  Capital  party,"  observed  anotlier.  "  Excel- 
lent speech  yours,  Sir  Moses,"  interposed  a  third.  "  Never  heard 
a  better,"  asserted  a  fourth.  "  Ought  to  ask  to  have  it  printed," 
observed  a  fifth.  "  0,  never  fear  !  Pica'U  do  that,"  rejoined  a 
sixth,  and  so  they  went  on  warding  off  the  awkward  thought,  so 
apt  to  arise  of  "  what  a  bore  these  sort  of  parties  are.  Wonder  if 
they  do  any  good  ?  " 

The  good  they  do  was  presently  shown  on  this  occasion  by 
Mr.  Smoothley,  the  Jackall  of  the  liunt,  whose  pecuniary  obliga- 
tions to  Sir  Moses  we  have  already  hinted  at,  coming  bowing  and 
fawning  obsequiously  up  to  our  Billy,  revolving  his  hands  as 
though  he  Avere  washing  them,  and  congratulating  him  upon 
becoming  one  of  them.  Mr.  Smoothley  was  what  might  be  called 
the  head  pacificator  of  the  hunt,  the  gentleman  who  coaxed  sub- 
scriptions, deprecated  damage,  and  tried  to  make  young  gentlemen 
believe  they  had  had  very  good  runs,  when  in  fact  they  had  only 
had  very  middling  ones. 

The  significant  interchange  of  glances  between  Sir  Moses  and 
him  during  Billy's  speech  related  to  a  certain  cover  called  Waverley 
gorse,  wliich  the  young  AVoolpack,  Mr.  Treadcroft,  who  had  ascer- 
tained his  inability  to  ride,  had  announced  his  intention  of  resign- 
ing. The  custom  of  the  hunt  was,  first  to  get  as  many  covers  as 
they  could  for  nothing  ;  secondly  to  quarter  as  few  on  the  club 
funds  as  possible;  and  thirdly  to  get  young  gentlemen  to 
stand  godfathers  to  covers,  in  other  words  to  get  them  to  pay 
the  rent  in  return  for  the  compliment  of  the  cover  passing  by 
their  names,  as  Hcslop's  spiny,  Linch's  gorse,  Benson's  banks, 
and  so  on. 

This  was  generally  an  after-dinner  performance,  and  required  a 
skilful  practitioner  to  accomplish,  more  particularly  as  the  trick 
was  rather  notorious.  Mr.  Smoothley  was  now  about  to  try  his 
hand  on  Mr.  Pringle.  The  bowing  and  congratulations  over,  and 
the  flexible  back  straightened,  he  commenced  by  observing  thai 
he  supposed  a  copy  of  the  rules  of  the  hunt  addressed  to  Pangburn 
Park,  would  find  our  friend. 

"  Yarse,"  drawled  Billy,  wondering  if  there  would  be  anything 


ASK    MAMMA. 


275 


to  pay.     "  Dash  it,  he  wished  there  miglitu't  ?     Shouldn't  be  sur- 
prised if  there  was  ?  " 

^Ir.  Sinoothley,  however,  <>-ave  him  little  time  for  reflection,  for 
taking  hold  of  one  of  his  own  red-coat  but^Lons,  lie  observed, "  that 


"  \il\V    IIi;'<    IM  NMNi:    IMM    IlIM. 


as  he  siip|)osed  ^Ir.  i'riiiule  would  lie  siioriini:  \hr  limit  uniform, 
he  mitrht  take  the  liberty  of  mcntiouiuir  that  (iarni'tt  the  silvei'- 
smitli  in  the  niarkt.L-phice  had  by  far  the  neatest  and  beSt  j)attern'd 
uuLLuns. " 


276  ASK    MAMtMA. 

*'  Oh,  Gamett,  oh,  yarse,"  replied  Billy,  thinking  he  would  gel 
a  set  for  his  pink,  instead  of  the  plain  ones  he  was  wearing. 

"  His  shop  is  next  the  Lion  and  the  Lamb  public  house,"  con- 
tinued  Mr.  Smoothley,  "  between  it  and  Mrs.  Russelton  the  milli- 
ner's, and  by  the  way  that  reminds  me,"  continued  he,  though  we 
don't  exactly  see  how  it  could,  "  and  by  the  way  that  reminds  me 
that  there  is  an  excellent  opportunity  for  distinguishing  yourself 
by  adopting  the  cover  young  Mr.  Treadcroft  has  just  abandoned." 

"  The  w-h-a-at?"  drawled  Billy,  dreading  a  "  do ;"  his  mother 
having  cautioned  him  always  to  be  mindful  after  dinner. 

"  0,  merely  the  gorse,"  continued  Mr.  Smoothley,  in  the  most 
afi'able  matter-of-course  way  imaginable,  "  merely  the  gorse — if 
you'll  step  this  way,  I'll  show  you,"  continued  he,  leading  the  way 
to  where  a  large  dirty  board  was  suspended  against  the  wall  below 
the  portrait  of  Lord  Martingal  on  his  horse. 

"  JVow  he's  running  into  Mm  !  "  muttered  Sir  Moses  to  himself, 
his  keen  eye  supplying  the  words  to  the  action. 

"  This,  you  see,"  explained  ]\Ir.  Smoothley,  hitching  the  board 
off  its  brass-headed  nail,  and  holding  it  to  the  light — "  tliis,  you 
gee,  is  a  list  of  all  the  covers  in  the  country — Screechley,  Summer- 
field,  Reddingfield,  Bewley,  Lanton  Hill,  Baxterley,  and  so  forth. 
Then  you  see  here,"  continued  he,  pointing  to  a  ruled  column 
opposite,  "are  the  names  of  the  owners  or  patrons — yes"  (reading), 
"  owners  or  patrons — Lord  Oilcake,  Lord  Polkaton,  Sir  Harry 
Fuzball,  Mr.  Heslop,  Lord  Harpsichord,  Mr.  Drew,  Mr.  Smith. 
Now  young  Mr.  Treadcroft,  who  has  had  as  many  falls  as  he  likes, 
and  perhaps  more,  has  just  announced  his  intention  of  retiring 
and  giving  up  this  cover,"  pointing  to  Waverley,  with  Mr.  Tread- 
croft, Jun.'s  name  opposite  to  it,  "  and  it  struck  me  that  it  would 
be  a  capital  opportunity  for  you  who  have  just  joined  us,  to  take 
it  before  anybody  knows,  and  then  it  will  go  by  the  name  of 
Pringle's  gorse,  and  you'll  get  the  credit  of  all  the  fine  runs  that 
take  place  from  it." 

"  Y-a-r-s-e,"  drawled  Billy,  thinking  tliat  that  would  be  a  sharp 
thing  to  do,  and  that  it  would  be  fine  to  rank  with  the  lords. 

"  Then,"  continued  Mr.  Smoothley,  taking  the  answer  for  an 
assent,  "  I'll  just  strike  Treadey's  name  out,  and  put  yours  in  ;  " 
so  saying,  he  darted  at  the  sideboard,  and  seizing  an  old  ink-clotted 
«tump  of  a  pen,  with  just  enough  go  in  it  to  make  the  required 
alteration,  and  substituted  Mr.  Pringle's  name  for  that  of  Mr. 
Treadcroft.  And  so,  what  with  his  cover,  his  dinner,  and  his 
button,  poor  Billy  was  eased  of  above  twenty  pounds. 

Just  as  Sir  Moses  was  blowing  his  beak,  stirring  the  fire,  and 
chuckling  at  the  success  of  the  venture,  a  gingling  of  cups  and 
tinkling  of  spoons  was  heard  in  the  distance,  and  presently  a  great 


ASK    MAMMA.  277 

flight  of  tea-trays  emerged  from  either  side  of  the  screen,  con- 
spicuous among  the  bearers  of  which  were  the  tall  ticket-of-leave 
butler  and  the  hirsute  Monsieur  Jean  Rougier.  These  worthies, 
with  a  few  other  "  gentlemen's  gentlemen,"  had  been  regaled  to  a 
supper  in  the  "  Blenheim,"  to  which  Peter  had  contributed  a 
liberal  allowance  of  hunt  wine,  the  consumption  of  which  was 
checked  by  the  corks,  one  set,  it  was  said,  serving  Peter  the 
season.  That  that  which  is  everybody's  business  is  nobody's,  is 
well  exemplified  in  these  sort  of  transactions,  for  though  a  member 
of  the  hunt  went  through  the  form  of  counting  the  cork-tops 
every  evening,  and  seeing  that  they  corresponded  with  the  number 
set  down  in  Peter's  book,  nobody  ever  compared  the  book  with  the 
cellar,  so  that  in  fact  Peter  was  both  check-keeper  and  auditor. 
Public  bodies,  however,  are  all  considered  fair  game,  and  the 
Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  hunt  was  no  exception  to  the  rule.  In 
addition  to  the  wine,  there  had  been  a  sufficient  allowance  of 
spirits  in  the  "  Blenheim"  to  set  the  drunkards  to  work  on  their 
own  account,  and  Jack  Rogers,  who  was  quite  the  life  of  the 
party,  was  very  forward  in  condition  when  the  tea-summons  was 
heard. 

"  Hush  !  "  cried  Peter,  holding  up  his  hand,  and  listening  to  an 
ominous  bell-peal,  "  I  do  believe  that's  for  tea  !  So  it  is,"  sighed 
he,  as  a  second  summons  broke  upon  the  ear.  *'  Tea  at  this 
hour  !  "  ejaculated  he,  "who'd  ha'  thought  it  twenty  years  ago  ! 
Why,  this  is  just  the  time  they'd  ha'  been  calling  for  Magiunns, 
and  begiunin'  the  evening — Tea  !  They'd  as  soon  ha'  thought  of 
calliu'  lor  winegar  !  "  added  he,  with  a  bitter  sneer.  80  saying, 
Peter  dashed  a  tear  from  his  aged  eye,  and  rising  from  his  chair, 
craved  the  assistance  of  his  guests  to  carry  the  degrading  bevemge 
up-stairs,  to  our  degenerate  party.  "  A  set  of  wesherwonien  I  " 
muttered  he,  as  the  great  slop-basin-like-cups  stood  ranged  on  trays 
along  the  kitchen-table  ready  for  conveyance.  "  Sarves  us  riglit 
for  allowing  such  a  chap  to  take  our  country,"  added  he,  adopting 
his  load,  and  leading  the  tea-van. 

When  the  soothing,  smoking  beverage  entered,  our  fi-ieud,  Cuddy 
Flintoff,  was  "  yoicking  "  himself  about  the  club-room,  stepping 
now  at  this  picture,  now  that,  holloaing  at  one,  view-holloaing  at 
another,  thus  airing  his  bunting  noises  generally,  as  each  successive 
subject  recalled  some  lively  association  in  his  too  sensitive  hunting 
imagination.  Passing  fi-om  the  conLem{)lation  of  that  great  work 
of  art,  Mr.  Customer  getting  drunk,  he  suddenly  conl'ronted  the 
tea-brigade  entering,  led  by  Peter,  j\Ionsieur,  and  the  ticket-of-leave 
butler. 

"  Holloa  !  old  Bushky  Heath  I  "  exclaimed  Cuddy,  clapping 
his  hands,  as  Monsieur's  frizzed  face  loomed  conspiciuonsly  hcftind 


278  ASK    MAMMA. 

a  muffin-towering  tea-tray.    "  Holloa  !   old  Bushet  Heath  !  *' 
repeated  he,  louder  than  before,  "  W/iat  cheer  there  ?  " 

"  VoT  CHEER  THERE,  BROTHER  Bareacres  ?  "  replied  Jack  in 
the  same  familiar  tone,  to  the  great  consternation  of  Cuddy,  and 
the  amusement  of  the  party. 

"  Dash  the  fellow  !  but  he's  getting  bumptious,"  muttered 
Cuddy,  who  had  no  notion  of  being  taken  up  that  way  by  a 
servant.  "  Dash  the  fellow  !  but  he's  getting  bumptious,"  re- 
peated he,  adding  aloud  to  Jack,  "  That's  not  the  way  you  talked 
when  you  tumbled  off  your  horse  the  other  day  !  " 

"  Tombled  off  my  'oss,  sare  !  "  replied  Jack,  indignantly — 
"  tombled  ofiP  my  'oss,  sare — nevare,  sare  ! — nevare  !  " 

"  What !  "  retorted  Cuddy,  "  do  you  mean  to  say  you  didn't 
tumble  off  your  horse  on  the  Crooked  Billet  day  ?"  for  Cuddy  had 
heard  of  tliat  exploit,  but  not  of  Jack's  subsequent  performance. 

"  No,  sare,  I  jomp  off,"  replied  Jack,  thinking  Cuddy  alluded 
to  his  change  of  horses  with  the  AVoolpack. 

"Jo-o-m-p  off  !  j-o-omp  off !  "  reiterated  Cuddy,  "  we  all  jomp 
>ff,  when  we  can't  keep  on.  Why  didn't  old  Imperial  John  take 
you  into  the  Crooked  Billet,  and  scrape  you,  and  cherish  you, 
and  comfort  you,  and  treat  you  as  he  would  his  own  son  ?  "  de- 
manded Cuddy 

"  Imperial  John,  sare,  nevare  did  nothiu'  of  the  sort,"  replied 
Jack,  confidently.  "  Imperial  John  and  I  retired  to  'ave  leetle 
drop  drink  together  to  our  better  'qnaintance.  I  met  John  there, 
rCest-ce  pas?  Monsieur  Sare  Moses,  Baronet!  Vasn't  ic  as  I 
say  ?  "  asked  Jack,  jingling  his  tea-tray  before  the  Baronet. 

"  Oh  yes,"  replied  Sir  Moses, — "  Oh  yes,  undoubtedly  ;  I  intro- 
duced you  there  ;  but  here  !  let  nie  have  some  tea,"  continued 
he,  taking  a  cup,  wishing  to  stop  the  conversation,  lest  Lord  Lady- 
chorne  might  hear  he  had  introduced  his  right-hand  man,  Imperial 
John,  to  a  servant. 

Cuddy,  however,  wasn't  to  be  stopped.  He  was  sure  Jack  had 
tumbled  off,  and  was  bent  upon  working  him  in  return  for  his 
Bareacres  compliment. 

"  Well,  but  tell  us,"  said  he,  addressing  Jack  again,  "  did  you 
come  over  his  head  or  his  tail,  when  you  jomp  off  ?  " 

"  Don't,  Cuddy  !  don't !  "  now  muttered  Sir  Moses,  taking  the 
entire  top  tier  off  a  pile  of  muffins,  and  filling  his  mouth  as  full  as 
it  would  hold;  "don't,"  repeated  he,  adding,  ''it's  no  use  (munch) 
bullying  a  poor  (crunch)  beggar  because  he's  a  (munch)  French- 
man "  (crunch).     Sir  Moses  then  took  a  great  draught  of  tea. 

Monsieur's  monkey,  however,  was  now  up,  and  he  felt  inclined 
to  tackle  with  Flintoff.  "  I  tell  you  vot,  sare  Cuddy,"  said  he,  look- 
ing him  full  in  the  face,  "  you  think  yourself  vare  great  man,  vare 


ASK    MAMMA.  279 

great  ossman,  vare  great  foxer,  and  so  on,  bot  I  viU  ride  you  a 
match  for  vot  monies  you  please." 

"  Hoo-ray !  well  done  you !  go  it,  Monsieur  !  Who'd  ha'  thought 
it !  Now  for  some  fun  I "  resounded  through  the  room,  biinging 
all  parties  in  closer  proximity. 

Flintoff  was  rather  taken  aback.  He  didn't  expect  anything  of 
that  sort,  and  though  he  fully  believed  Jack  to  be  a  tailor,  he  didn't 
want  to  test  the  fact  himself  ;  indeed  he  felt  safer  on  foot  than  on 
horseback,  being  fonder  of  the  tlieory  than  of  the  reality  of  hunting. 

*'  Hut  you  and  your  matches,"  sneered  he,  thrusting  his  hands 
deep  in  his  trousers'  pockets,  inclining  to  sheer  of,  adding,  "  go 
and  get  his  Imperial  Highness  to  ride  you  one." 

"  His  Imperial  Highness,  sare,  don't  deal  in  oss  matches.  He  ifl 
not  a  jockey,  he  is  a  gentleraans — great  friend  of  de  great  lords  vot 
rules  de  oder  noisy  dogs,"  replied  Jack. 

"  IIt(mj)h"  grunted  Sir  i\Ioses,  not  liking  the  language. 

"  In-deed  !  "  exclaimed  Cuddy  with  a  frown.  "  /n-deed !  Hark 
to  Monsieur  !     Hark  !  " 

"  Oh,  make  hira  a  match.  Cuddy  !  make  him  a  match  ! "  now 
interposed  Paul  Straddler,  closing  up  to  prevent  Cuddy's  retreat. 
Paul,  as  we  said  before,  was  a  disengaged  gentleman  who  kept  a 
house  of  call  for  Bores  at  Hiuton, — a  man  who  was  always  ready 
to  deal,  or  do  anything,  or  go  any  whei'e  at  any  l)ody  else's  expense. 
A  great  judge  of  a  horse,  a  great  judge  of  a  jrroom,  a  great  judge 
of  a  gig,  a  gentleman  a  good  deal  in  Cuddy  Flintoff' s  own  line  in 
short,  and  of  course  not  a  great  admirer  of  his.  He  now  thought 
he  saw  his  way  to  a  catch,  for  the  Woolpack  had  told  him  how 
shamefully  Jack  had  bucketed  his  hoise,  and  altogether  he  thought 
Monsieur  might  be  as  good  a  man  across  country  as  ]\Ir.  Flintoff. 
At  all  events  lie  would  like  to  see. 

"Oh,  make  him  a  matcii.  Cuddy  !  niuke  Iiini  a  match  I"  now 
exclaimed  he,  adding  in  Flintoif's  ear,  "  never  let  it  be  said  you 
were  afraid  of  a  Frenchman." 

"Afraid  !  "  sneered  Cuddy,  "nobody  who  knows  me  will  think 
that,  I  guess." 

"Well  then,  ?nake  him  a  match  I"  urged  Tommy  Ileslop,  who 
was  no  great  admirer  of  Cuddy's  eitlier  ;  "  »i<iU'  liini  a  match,  and 
I'll  go  your  halves." 

"And  I'll  go  Monsieur's,"  said  Mr.  SLraddkr,  still  backing 
the  thijig  up.  Thus  ajipealed  to,  po<ir  Cuddy  was  obliged 
to  submit,  and  before  he  knew  where  he  was.  ihe  dread  pen, 
ink  and  paper  were  ]jroduced,  and  things  lieuan  to  assume  a 
Tangible  form.  Mr.  Paul  Straddler,  having  stated  himself  on 
a  chair  at  the  opportune  card-table,  began  sucking  his  [)eu  and 
smoothing  out  his  paper,  trying  to  coax  his  ideas  inio  order. 


280  ASK    MAMMA. 

"Now,  let  us  see,"  said  he,  "now  let  us  see.  Monsieuf,  what's 
his  name — old  Bushey-heath  as  you  call  him,  agrees  to  ride  Mr. 
Flintoff  a  match  across  country — now  for  distance,  time,  and  stake  ! 
now  for  distance,  time,  and  stake  !  "  added  he,  hitting  off  the  scent. 

"  Well,  but  how  can  you  make  a  match  without  any  horses  ? 
how  can  you  make  a  match  without  any  horses  ?  "  asked  Sir  Moses, 
interposing  his  beak,  adding  "  I'll  not  lend  any — dom'd  if  I  will," 
That  being  the  first  time  Sir  Moses  was  ever  known  not  to 
volunteer  one. 

"  0,  we'll  find  horses,"  replied  Tommy  Heslop,  "  we'll  find 
horses ! "  thinking  Sir  Moses's  refusal  was  all  in  favor  of  the  match. 
"  Catch  weights,  catch  horses,  catch  every  thing." 

"  Now  for  distance,  time,  and  stake,"  reiterated  Mr.  Straddler. 
"  Now  for  distance,  time,  and  stake,  Monsieur  ! "  continued  he, 
appealing  to  Jack.     "  What  distance  would  you  like  to  have  it  ?  " 

"Vot  you  please,  sare,"  replied  Monsieur,  now  depositing  his 
tray  on  the  sideboard  ;  "  vot  you  please,  sare,  much  or  little  ;  ten 
miles,  twenty  miles,  any  miles  he  likes." 

"  0,  the  fellow's  mad,"  muttered  Cuddy,  with  a  jerk  of  his  head, 
making  a  last  effort  to  be  off. 

"  Don't  be  in  a  hurry,  Cuddy,  don't  be  in  a  hurry,"  intei'posed 
Heslop,  adding,  "  he  doesn't  understand  it — he  doesn't  under- 
stand it." 

"  0,  I  understands  it,  nicely,  veil  enough,"  replied  Jack,  with  a 
shrug  of  his  shoulders  ;  "  put  us  on  to  two  orses,  and  see  vich  gets 
first  to  de  money  post." 

"  Aye,  yes,  exactly,  to  be  sure,  that's  all  right,"  asserted  Paul 
Straddler,  looking  up  approvingly  at  Jack,  "  and  you  say  you'll 
beat  Mr.  Flintoff  ? " 

"  I  say  I  beat  Mr.  Flintoff,"  rejoined  Jack — "  beat  ira  dem 
veil  too — beat  his  ead  off — beat  him  stvpendova .'"  added  he. 

"0,  dash  it  all,  we  can't  stand  that.  Cuddy!"  exclaimed 
Mr.  Heslop,  nudging  ]\Ir.  Flintoff  ;  "  honor  of  the  country,  honor 
of  the  hunt,  honor  of  England,  honor  of  every  thing's  involved." 

Cuddy's  bristles  were  now  up  too,  and  shaking  his  head  and 
thrusting  his  hands  deep  into  his  trousers  pockets,  "he  declared 
he  couldn't  stand  that  sort  of  language, — shot  if  he  could." 

"  No  ;  nor  nobody  else,"  continued  Mr.  Heslop,  keeping  him  up 
to  the  indignity  mark  ;  "  must  be  taught  better  manners,"  added 
he  with  a  pout  of  the  lip,  as  though  fully  espousing  Cuddy's  cause. 

"  Come  along,  then  !  come  along  ! "  cried  Paul  Straddler,  flour- 
ishing his  dirty  pen  ;  "  let's  set  up  a  scliool  for  grown  sportsmen. 
Now  for  the  g(jod  boys.  Master  Bushey-heath  says  he'll  ride 
JNIaster  Bareacres  a  match  across  country — two  miles  say — for,  for, 
how  much  ?  "  asked  he,  looking  up. 


A  Sit   Ma  MM  A.  m 

This  caused  a  pause,  as  it  often  does,  even  after  dinner,  and  not 
the  less  so  in  the  present  instance,  inasmuch  as  the  promoters 
of  the  match  had  each  a  share  in  the  risk.  What  would  be 
hundreds  in  other  people's  cases  becomes  pounds  in  our  own. 

Flintoflf  and  Straddler  looked  pacifically  at  each  other,  as  much  as 
to  say,  "There's  no  use  incuttinj^  each  other's  throats, you  know." 

"  Suppose  we  say,"  (exhibiting  four  fingers  and  a  thumb,  slyly 
to  indicate  a  five  pound  note),  said  Pleslop  demurely,  after  a  con- 
ference with  Cuddy. 

"  With  all  my  heart,"  asserted  Straddler,  "glad  it  was  no  more." 

"  And  call  it  fifty,"  whispered  Heslop. 

"Certainly  !  "  assented  Straddler,  "  very  proper  arrangement." 

"  Two  miles  for  fifty  pounds,"  announced  Straddler,  writing  it 
down. 

"  P.  P.  I  s'pose  ?  "  observed  he,  looking  up. 

"  P.  P."  assented  Heslop. 

*'  Now,  what  next  ?  "  asked  Paul,  feeling  that  there  was  some- 
thing more  wanted. 

"  An  umpire,"  suggested  Mr.  Smoothley. 

"Ah,  to  be  sure,  an  umpire,"  replied  Mr.  Straddler  ;  **  who  shal/ 
it  be  ? " 

"  Sir  Moses  !  "  suggested  several  voices. 

"  Sir  Moses,  by  all  means,"  replied  Straddler. 

"  Content,"  nodded  Mr.  Heslop. 

"  It  must  be  on  a  non-hunting  day,  then,"  observed  the  Baronet, 
speaking  from  the  bottom  of  his  tea-cup. 

"  Non-hunting  day  !  "  repeated  Cuddy  ;  "  non-hunting  day  ; 
fear  that  'ill  not  do — want  to  be  off  to  town  on  Friday  to  see 
Tommy  White's  horses  sold.  Have  been  above  a  week  at  the  Paik, 
as  it  is." 

"  You've  been  a  fortnight  to-morrow,  sir,"  observed  the  ticket- 
of-leave  butler  (who  had  just  come  to  announce  the  carriage)  in  a 
very  different  tone  to  his  usual  urbane  whisper. 

"  Fortnight  to-morrow,  have  I  ?  "  rejoined  Cuddy  sheepishly  ; 
"  greater  reason  why  I  should  be  off." 

"  0,  never  think  about  that !  0,  never  think  about  that  I 
Heartily  welcome,  heartily  welcome,'"  rejoined  Sir  Moses,  stuffiuL!: 
his  mouth  full  of  muffin,  adding  "  Mr.  Pringle  will  keep  you  com- 
pany ;  ^Ir.  Pringle  will  keep  you  company."  (Hunch,  munch, 
crunch.) 

"Mr.  Pringle  tnust  stop,"  observed  Mr.  Straddler,  "unless  he 
goes  without  his  man." 

"  To  be  sure  he  must,"  assented  Sir  ^Foses,  "  to  be  sure  he  must," 
adding,  "stop  as  long  as  ever  you  like.  I've  no  engagement  till 
Saturday — no  engagement  till  Saturday." 


282  JSK    MAMMA. 

Now  putting  off  our  friend's  departure  till  Saturday  just  gave  a 
clear  day  for  the  steeple-chase,  the  next  one,  Thursday,  being 
Woolerton  by  Heckfield,  Saturday  the  usual  make-believe  day  at 
the  kennels  ;  so  of  course  Friday  was  fixed  upon,  and  Sir  Moses 
having  named  "noon"  as  the  hour,  and  Timberlake  toll-bar  as  the 
rendezvous,  commenced  a  series  of  adieus  as  he  beat  a  retreat  to  the 
screen,  where  having  resumed  his  wraps,  and  gathered  his  tail, 
he  shot  down-stairs,  and  was  presently  re-ensconced  in  his  carriage. 

The  remanets  then  of  course  proceeded  to  talk  him  and  hia 
friends  over,  some  wishing  the  Baronet  mightn't  be  too  many  for 
Billy,  others  again  thinking  Cuddy  wasn't  altogether  the  most 
desirable  acquaintance  a  young  man  could  have,  though  there 
wasn't  one  that  didn't  think  that  he  himself  was. 

That  topic  being  at  length  exhausted,  they  then  discussed  the 
projected  steeple-chase,  some  thinking  that  Cuddy  was  a  muff, 
others  that  Jack  was,  some  again  thinking  they  both  were.  And 
as  successive  relays  of  hot  brandy  and  water  enabled  them  to  see 
matters  more  clearly,  the  Englishman's  argument  of  betting  was 
introduced,  and  closed  towards  morning  at  "  evens,"  either  jockey 
for  choice. 

Let  us  now  take  a  look  at  the  homeward  bound  party. 

It  was  lucky  for  Billy  that  the  night  was  dark  and  the  road 
rough  with  newly  laid  whinstones,  for  both  Sir  Moses  and  Cuddy 
opened  upon  him  most  volubly  and  vehemently  as  soon  as  ever 
they  got  off  the  uneven  pavement,  with  no  end  of  inquiries  about 
Jack  and  his  antecedents.  If  he  could  ride  ?  If  he  had  ever  seen 
him  ride  ?  If  he  had  ever  ridden  a  steeplechase  ?  "Where  he  got 
him  ?     How  long  he  had  had  him  ? 

To  most  of  which  questions,  Billy  replied  with  his  usual  mono- 
syllabic drawling,  "yarscs,"  amid  jolts,  and  grinds,  and  gratings, 
and  doms  from  Sir  Moses,  and  cusses  from  Cuddy,  easing  his  con- 
science with  regard  to  Jack's  service,  by  saying  that  he  had  had 
him  "  some  time."  Some  time  !  What  a  line  elastic  period  that 
is.  We'd  back  a  lawyer  to  make  it  cover  a  century  or  a  season. 
Very  little  definite  information,  however,  did  they  extract  from 
Billy  with  regard  to  Jack  for  the  best  of  all  reasons,  that  Billy 
didn't  know  anything.  Both  Cuddy  and  Sir  Moses  interpreted 
his  ignorance  differently,  and  wished  he  mightn't  know  more  than 
was  good  for  them.  And  so  in  the  midst  of  roughs  and  smooths, 
and  jolts  and  jumps,  and  examinings,  and  cross-examinings,  and 
re-examinings,  they  at  length  reached  Pangburn  Park  Lodges, 
and  were  presently  at  home. 

"  Breakfast  at  eight ! "  said  Sir  IMoses  to  Bankhcad,  as  he 
alighted  from  the  carriage. 

"  Breakfast  at  eight,  Pringle  !  "  repeated  he,  and  seizing  a  flat 


ASK    MAMMA.  283 

candlestick  from  the  lialf-drunken  footman  in  the  passage,  he 
hurried  up-staii's,  blowing  his  beak  with  great  vigour  to  drown  any 
appeal  to  him  about  a  horse. 

Me  little  knew  how  unlikely  our  young  friend  was  to  trouble 
him  in  that  w^ay. 


CHAPTER    XLIL 

MR.    GEOKDY    GALLUX. 


■iii:n,   rniii.isi',   aM'   itiii.iian. 


Cuddy  Flintofk  did  not  awake  at  all  comfortable  the  next 
morning,  and  he  distinctly  ti'aced  the  old  copyhead  of  "  Famili- 
arity breeds  contem})t,"  in  the  hieroglyj)liical  pattern  of  his  old 
chintz  bed-hangings,  lie  couldn't  thiid';  how  he  could  evci'  be  so 
foolish  as  to  hiy  himself  o})en  to  such  a  catastroj)]!!'  ;  it  was  just 
the  wine  beiug  in  aud  tlie  wit  l)ciiig  out,  coupled  with  the  fact  of 
the  man  being  a  Frenchman,  rlial  led  him  away — and  he  most 
devoutly  wished  he  was  well  oul  (»f  lht>  sd'ajie.  Sup]»ose  Monsieur 
was  a  to])  sawyer  1  Suppose  he  was  a  regular  slrejile-ehasei' I 
Su{)])ose  he  was  a  second  Feeeher  in  disguise  I  It  didn't  follow 
iH'cause  he  was  a  Fi'euchman  that  he  couldn't  I'ide.  Akogcthei' 
Mv.    l'"linloll"   i-epeilU'd.       It    wasiTi    nice  aniiiscnici)!  st(eple-eii;>sMi'.r 


S84  ASK    MAMMA. 

he  thought,  and  the  quicksilver  of  youth  had  departed  from  him  ; 
getting  called  Bareacres,  too,  was  derogatory,  and  what  no 
English  servant  would  have  done,  if  even  he  had  called  him  Bushy 
Heath. 

Billy  Priugle,  on  the  other  hand,  was  very  comfortable,  and 
slept  soundly,  regardless  of  clubs,  cover  rents,  over-night  conse- 
quences, altogether.  Each  having  desired  to  be  called  when  the 
other  got  up,  they  stood  a  chance  of  lying  in  bed  all  day,  had  not 
Mrs.  Mai'gerum,  fearing  they  would  run  their  breakfast  and  the 
servants'-hall  dinner  together,  desjiatched  JMonsieur  and  the  foot- 
man with  their  respective  hot-water  cans,  to  say  the  other  had 
risen.  It  was  eleven  o'clock  ere  they  got  dawdled  down-stairs,  and 
Cuddy  again  began  demanding  this  and  that  delicacy  in  the  name 
of  ]\Ir.  Pringle  :  Mr.  Pringle  wanted  Yorkshire  pie  ;  Mr.  Pringle 
wanted  potted  prawns  ;  Mr.  Pringle  wanted  bantams'  eggs  ;  ^Mr. 
Pringle  wanted  honey.  "Why  the  deuce  didn't  they  attend  to  Mr. 
Pringle  .'' 

The  breakfast  was  presently  interrupted  by  the  sound  of  wheels, 
and  almost  ere  they  had  ceased  to  revolve,  a  brisk  pull  at  the  door- 
bell aroused  the  inmates  of  both  the  front  and  back  regions,  and 
brought  the  hurrying  footman,  settling  himself  into  his  yellow- 
edged  blue-livery  coat  as  he  came. 

It  was  Mr.  Heslop.  Heslop  in  a  muffin  cap,  and  so  disguised 
in  heather-coloured  tweed,  that  Mr.  Pringle  failed  to  recognise 
him  as  he  entered.  Cuddy  did,  though  ;  and  greeting  him  with 
one  of  his  best  view  holloas,  he  invited  him  to  sit  down  and  partake. 

Heslop  was  an  early  bird,  and  had  broke  his  fast  hours  before  : 
but  a  little  more  breakfast  being  neither  here  nor  there,  he  did  aa 
he  was  requested,  though  he  would  much  rather  have  found  Cuddy 
alone.  He  wanted  to  talk  to  him  about  the  match,  to  hear  if  Sir 
Moses  had  said  anything  about  the  line  of  country,  what  sort  of  a 
horse  he  would  like  to  ride,  and  so  on. 

Billy  went  munch,  munch,  munching  on,  in  the  tiresome,  per- 
tinacious sort  of  way  people  do  when  others  are  anxiously  wishing 
them  doue, — now  taking  a  sip  of  tea,  now  a  bit  of  toast,  now 
another  eg^,  now  looking  as  if  he  didn't  know  what  he  would 
take.  Heslop  inwardly  wished  him  at  Jericho.  At  length 
another  sound  of  wheels  was  heard,  followed  by  another  peal  of 
the  bell  ;  and  our  hero  presently  had  a  visitor,  too,  in  the  person 
of  Mr.  Paul  Straddler.  Paul  had  come  on  the  snuie  sort  of  errand 
as  Heslop,  namely,  to  arrange  matters  about  Monsieur  ;  and  Heslop 
and  he,  seeing  how  the  land  lay,  Heslop  asked  Cuddy  if  there  was 
any  one  in  Sir  Moses's  study  ;  whereu]iou  Cuddy  avose  and  led  the 
way  to  the  sunless  little  sanctum,  where  Sir  Moses  kept  his  other 
hat,  his  other  boots,  his  rows  of  shoes,  his  beloved  but  rather 


ASK    MAMMA.  SP.S 

empty  cash-box,  and  tlie  plans  and  papers  of  the  Paiicfburn  I'ark 
estate. 

Two  anxious  deliberations  then  ensued  in  the  study  and 
breakfast-room,  in  the  course  of  which  Monsieur  was  summoned 
into  the  presence  of  cither  party,  and  retired,  leaving  them  about 
as  wise  as  he  found  them.  He  declared  he  could  ride,  ride  "  dem 
veil  too,"  and  told  Paul  he  could  "  beat  Cuddy's  head  olT" ; "  but 
he  accompanied  the  assertions  with  such  wild,  incoherent  argu- 
ments, and  talked  just  as  he  did  to  Impei-ial  John  before  the 
Crooked  Billet,  that  they  thought  it  was  all  gasconade.  If  it 
hadn't  been  P.  P.,  Paul  would  have  been  off.  Cuddy,  on  the  other 
hand,  gained  courage  ;  and  as  Heslop  proposed  putting  him  on 
his  famous  horse  General  llavelock,  the  reported  best  fencer  in  the 
country,  Cuddy,  who  wasn't  afraid  of  pace,  hoped  to  be  able  to  give 
a  good  account  of  himself.  Indeed,  he  so  far  recovered  his  confi- 
dence, as  to  indulge  in  a  few  hunting  noises — "  For-rard,  on! 
For-rard  on  ! ''  cheered  he,  as  if  he  was  leading  the  way  with  the 
race  well  in  hand. 

^leanwhile  Monsieur,  who  could  kecj)  his  own  counsel,  communi- 
cated by  a  certain  mysterious  agency  that  prevails  in  most  coun- 
tries, and  seems  to  rival  the  electric  telegraph  in  point  of  s|)ced,  to 
enlist  a  confederate  in  his  service.  This  was  Mr.  Cenrdoy  <iallon, 
a  genius  carrying  on  the  trades  of  poacher,  pugilist,  and  piiblicau, 
under  favour  of  that  mistaken  piece  of  legislation  the  Uci  r  Act. 
Geordey,  like  Jack,  had  l)egun  life  as  a  post-boy,  and  like  liim  h.ad 
undergone  various  vicissitudes  ere  he  finally  settled  down  to  the 
respectable  calling  we  have  named.  He  now  occupied  the  Hose  and 
Crown  l)eershop  at  the  Four  Lane-ends,  on  the  Heatliorltcll  lioad, 
some  iifteen  miles  from  Pangburn  Park,  where,  in  addiiion  to  his 
ix'gidar  or  irregular  calling,  he  generally  kejit  a  racinu'-like  runa- 
way, that  whisked  a  light  spring-cart  through  the  coiuury  by 
night,  freighted  witli  pigeons,  ]X)uItry,  game,  di'i})])ing — 
which  latter  item  our  readers  doubtless  know  ineludes  every 
ai'ticle  of  culinary  or  dMiuestic  use.  He  was  also  a  ])nr\eyor  oi 
lead,  lead-stealing  being  now  one  of  the  liberal  professions. 

Geordey  had  had  a  line  time  of  it.  for  the  Ifit-im  nnd  lloM-ini 
shire  constables  were  stupid  and  hi/.y,  and  when  tin;  -hoi-t-lived 
Superintendent  ones  were  a]»i'Ointe(l,  it  was  only  a  trifle  in  his  way 
to  suborn  them.  So  he  made  hay  whih,'  ih"  sun  siioiie,  and  pre- 
sently set  up  a  Iiasket-liuttoui'd  ■svrA-n  cutaway  I'-ir  Sur.days.  in  lieu 
of  the  baggy  pocketed,  velveteen  >hoOting-jaek''i  of  weil;-(lays,  and 
replaced  the  fox-skin  cap  with  a  bare  siiallow  ili'ah.  with  a  broad 
brim,  and  a  black  band,  encasing  his  subslaiiiial  li"_;'<  in  eords  and 
mahogany  tops,  instead  of  the  iiavvie  t)ooi<  that  laced  his  great 
bu  I ''■ill"' calves  inlo'dobes.      lb  f  K'^n  called  himself  a  sport  iii'j"  man. 


286  JSK    MAMMA. 

Not  a  fair,  not  a  fight,  not  a  fray  of  any  sort,  but  Geordey's  great 
square  bull-headed  carcase  was  there,  and  he  was  always  ready  to  run 
his  nag,  or  trot  his  nag,  or  match  his  nag  in  any  shape  or  way — 
Mr.  George  Gallon's  Blue  Ruin,  Mr.  George  Gallon's  Flower  of  the 
West,  Mr.  George  Gallon's  Honor  Bright,  will  be  names  familiar 
to  most  lovers  of  leather-plating.*  Besides  this,  he  did  business 
in  a  smaller  way.  Being  a  pure  patriot,  he  was  a  great  promoter 
of  the  sports  and  pastimes  of  the  people,  and  always  travelled  with 
a  prospectus  iu  his  pocket  of  some  raffle  for  a  watch,  some  shoot- 
ing-match for  a  fat  hog,  some  dog  or  some  horse  to  be  disposed  of 
in  a  surreptitious  way,  one  of  the  conditions  always  being,  that  a 
certain  sum  was  to  be  speut  by  the  winner  at  Mr.  Gallon's,  of  the 
Rose  and  Crown,  at  the  Four  Lane-ends  on  the  Heatherbell  Road. 

Such  was  the  worthy  selected  by  Monsieur  Rougier  to  guard  his 
interests  in  the  matter.  But  how  the  communication  was  made,  or 
what  were  the  instruetious  given,  those  who  are  acquainted  with 
the  wheels  within  wheels,  and  olv  glorious  mystihcatiou  that  pre- 
vails in  all  matters  relating  to  racing  or  robbing,  will  know  the 
impossibility  of  narrating  Even  Sir  Moses  was  infected  with  the 
prevailing  epidemic,  and  returned  from  hunting  greatly  subdued 
in  loquacity.  He  wanted  to  be  on  for  a  £5  or  two,  but  couldn't 
for  the  life  of  him  make  out  which  was  to  be  the  right  side.  So 
he  was  very  chary  of  his  wine  after  dinuer,  and  wouldn't  let 
Cuddy  have  any  brandy  at  bed-time — "  Dom'd  if  he  would." 


CHAPTER    XLIII. 

SIR  MOSES  PERPLEXED — THE  RENDEZVOUS  FOK  THE  RACE. 

The  great  event  was  ushered  in  by  one  of  those  fine  bright 
autumnal  days  that  shame  many  summer  ones,  and  seem  inclined 
to  carry  the  winter  months  fairly  over  into  the  coming  year.  The 
sun  rose  with  eli'ulgent  radiance,  gilding  the  lingering  brown  and 
yellow  tints,  and  lighting  up  the  landscape  with  searching,  in- 
quisitorial scrutiny.  Xot  a  nook,  not  a  dell,  not  a  cot,  not  a  curl 
of  smoke  but  was  visible,  and  tlie  whole  scene  shone   with  the 

*  We  append  one  of  Mr.  Gallon's  ailvertiscments  for  a  horse,  which  is 
very  characteristic  of  the  man  : — 

"  A    Flash   high-stepping   SCREW  WANTED.     Must  be  very 

•^^  fast,  steady  in  single  harness,  and  the  price  moderate.  Blemishes 
no  object.  Apply,  by  letter,  real  name  and  address,  with  full  description, 
to  Mr.  George  Gallon,  Rose  and  Grown,  Four-Lane-ends.  Hit-im  and 
Hold-im  shire," 


ASK    MAMMA.  287 

vigour  of  a  newly  burnished,  uewly  varnished  picture.  The  cattle 
stood  in  bold  relief  against  the  perennially  green  fields,  and  the 
newly  dipped  lambs  dotted  the  hill-sides  like  white  marbles.  A 
clear  bright  light  gleamed  through  the  stems  of  the  Scotch  fir  belt, 
encircling  the  brow  of  High  Rays  Hill,  giving  goodly  promise  of 
continued  fineness. 

Sir  Moses,  seeing  this  harbinger  of  fair  from  his  window  as  he 
dressed,  arrayed  himself  in  his  best  attire,  securing  his  new  blue 
and  white  satin  cravat  with  a  couple  of  massive  blood-stone  pins, 
and  lacing  his  broad-striped  vest  with  a  multiplicity  of  chains  and 
appendant  gew-gaws.  He  further  dared  the  elements  with  an  ex- 
tensive turning  up  of  velvet.  Altogether  he  was  a  great  swell, 
and  extremely  well  pleased  with  his  appearance. 

The  inmates  of  the  Park  were  all  at  sixes  and  sevens  that  morn- 
ing, Monsieur  having  left  Billy  to  be  valeted  by  tlie  footman, 
whose  services  were  entirely  monopolised  by  Cuddy  Flintoff  and 
Sir  Moses.  When  he  did  at  length  come,  he  replied  to  Billy's  en- 
quiry *'  how  his  horse  was,"  that  he  was  "  quite  well,"  which  was 
satisfactory  to  our  friend,  and  confirmed  him  in  his  opinion  of  the 
superiority  of  his  judgment  over  that  of  Wetun  and  the  rest.  Sir 
Moses,  however,  who  had  made  the  tour  of  the  stables,  thought 
otherwise,  and  telling  the  Tiger  to  put  the  footboard  to  the  back 
of  the  dog-cart,  reser\'ed  the  other  place  in  front  for  his  guest.  A 
tremendous  hurry  Sir  ]\Ioses  was  in  to  be  oflP,  rushing  in  every  two 
or  three  minutes  to  see  if  Billy  wasn't  done  his  bre;dvfast,  and  at 
last  ordering  round  the  vehicle  to  expedite  his  movements.  Then 
he  went  to  the  door  and  gave  the  bell  such  a  furious  ring  as 
sounded  through  the  house  and  seemed  well  calculated  to  last  for 
ever. 

Billy  then  came,  hustled  along  by  the  ticket-of-lcave  butler  and 
the  excitable  footman,  who  kept  dressing  him  as  he  went ;  and 
putting  his  mits,  his  gloves,  this  shawl,  cravat,  and  his  taper 
umbrella  into  his  hands,  they  helped  him  up  to  tlie  seat  by  Sir 
Moses,  who  forthwith  soused  him  down,  by  touching  the  mare 
with  the  whip,  and  starting  off  at  a  pace  that  looked  like  trying  to 
catch  an  express  train.  Round  flew  the  wheels,  up  shot  the  yellow 
mud,  open  went  the  lodge  gates,  bark  went  the  curs,  and  they 
were  presently  among  the  darker  mud  of  the  jMarshlicld  and 
Greyridge  Hill  Road. 

On,  on,  Sir  ]\Ioscs  puslicd,  as  if  in  extremis. 

"  AVcll  now,  how  is  it  to  be  ?  "  at  lenuth  asked  he,  getting  his 
mare  more  by  the  head,  after  grinding  thrdugh  a  l(ing  strip  of 
newly-laid  whinstone  :  "  How  is  it  to  be  ?  Can  this  beggar  of 
yours  ride,  or  can  he  not?"  Sir  Moses  looking  with  a  scrutinising 
eye  at  Billy  a?  ho  spoke. 


288  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  Yarse,  he  can  ride,"  replied  Billy,  feeling  his  collar  ;  "  rode 
the  other  day,  you  know." 

Sir  Moses.  "  Ah,  but  that's  not  the  sort  of  riding  I  mean.  Can 
he  ride  across  country  ?     Can  he  ride  a  steeple-chase,  in  fact  ?  " 

Mr.  Pringle.   "  Yarse,  I  should  say  he  could,"  hesitated  our  friend. 

Sir  Moses.  "Well,  but  it  won't  do  to  back  a  man  to  do  a 
thing  one  isn't  certain  he  can  do,  you  know.  Now,  between  our- 
selves," continued  he,  lowering  his  voice  so  as  not  to  let  the  Tiger 
hear —  "  Cuddy  Flintoff  is  no  great  performer — more  of  a 
mahogany  sportsman  than  any  thing  else,  and  it  wouldn't  take 
any  great  baud  to  beat  him." 

Billy  couldn't  say  whether  Monsieur  was  equal  to  the  under- 
taking or  not,  and  therefore  made  no  reply.  This  perplexed  Sir 
Moses,  who  wished  that  Billy's  downy  face  mightn't  contain  more 
miscliief  than  it  ought.  It  would  be  a  devil  of  a  bore,  he  thought, 
to  be  done  by  such  a  boy.  So  he  again  took  the  mare  short  by 
the  head,  and  gave  expression  to  his  thoughts  by  the  whip  along 
her  sides.  Thus  he  shot  down  Walkup  Hill  at  a  pace  that  carried 
him  half  way  up  the  opposing  one.  Still'he  couldn't  see  his  way — 
dom'd  if  he  could — and  he  felt  haU  inclined  not  to  risk  his 
"  fi-pun  "  note. 

In  this  liesitating  mood  he  came  ^/ithin  sight  of  the  now  crowd- 
studded  rendezvous. 

Timberlake  toll  bar,  the  rendezvous  for  the  race,  stands  on  the 
summit  of  the  hog-backed  Wooley  Hill,  famous  for  its  frequent 
sheep-fairs,  and  commands  a  fine  view  over  the  cream  of  the  west 
side  of  Featherbedfordshire,  and  by  no  means  the  worst  part  of  the 
land  of  Jewdea,  as  the  wags  of  the  former  country  call  Hit-im  and 
Hold-im  shire. 

Sir  jMoses  had  wisely  chosen  this  rendezvous,  in  order  that  he 
might  give  Lord  Ladythorne  the  benefit  of  the  unwelcome  intru- 
sion witiiout  exciting  the  suspicion  of  the  farmers,  who  would 
naturally  suppose  that  the  match  would  take  place  over  some  part  of 
Sir  Moses's  own  country.  In  that,  however,  they  had  reckoned 
without  their  host.  Sir  Moses  wasn't  the  man  to  throw  a  chance 
away — dom'd  if  he  was. 

The  road,  after  crossing  the  bridge  over  Bendibus  Burn,  being 
all  against  collar,  Sir  Muses  dropped  his  reins,  and  sitting  back  m 
his  seat,  proceeded  to  contemplate  the  crowd.  A  i^reat  gather- 
ing there  was,  hor:-emen,  footmen,  gigmen,  assmen,  with  here  and 
there  a  tinkling-bclled  liquor-vending  female,  a  tossing  pie-man, 
or  a  nut-merchant.  As  yet  the  spirit  of  speculation  was  not 
aroused,  and  the  people  gathered  in  groups,  looking  as  moody  aa 
men  generally  do  who  want  to  get  the  better  of  each  other.  The 
only  clieerful  faces  on  the  scene  were  those  of  Toney  Loftus,  the 


ASK    MAMMA,  289 

jjike-man,  aud  his  wife,  whose  neat  white-washed,  stone-roofed  cot- 
tage was  not  much  accustomed  to  company,  save  on  the  occasion 
of  the  fairs.  They  were  now  gathering  their  pence  and  having  a 
let-off  for  their  long  pent-up  gossip. 

Sir  Moses's  approach  put  a  little  liveliness  into  the  scene,  and 
satisfied  the  grumblinir  or  sceptical  ones  that  they  had  not  come 
to  the  wrong  place.  There  was  the'i  a  genei-al  move  towards  the 
great  white  gate,  and  as  he  paid  his  Iburpence  the  nods  of  recog- 
nition and  How  are  ye's  ?  commenced  amid  a  vigorous  salute  of 
the  muffin  bells.  Tinlcle  tinhle  tv/JcJe,  hin/  buy  hwj,  toss  and  try  1 
toss  and  try  !  i'mlcle  tinkle  tinkle.  Barcelona  nuts,  crack  'em  and 
try  'em,  crack  'em  and  try  'em  ;  the  invitation  being  accompanied 
with  the  rattle  of  a  few  in  the  little  tin  can. 

"  Now,  where  are  the  jockeys  ?  "  asked  .-^ir  Moses,  straining  his 
eye-balls  over  the  open  downs. 

*'  They're  coomin,  Sir  ]\Ioses,  they're  coomin,"  replied  several 
voices  ;  and  as  they  spoke,  a  gaily-dressed  man,  on  a  milk-white 
horse,  emerged  from  the  little  fold-yard  of  Butterby  farm,  about 
half  a  mile  to  the  west,  followed  by  two  distinct  groups  of  mounted 
And  dismounted  companions,  who  clustered  round  either  champion 
like  electors  round  a  candidate  going  to  the  hustings. 

"  There's  Geordey  Gallon  !  "  was  now  the  cry,  as  the  hero  of 
the  white  horse  shot  away  from  the  foremost  group,  and  came 
best  pace  across  the  rush-grown  sward  of  the  sheep-walk  towards 
the  toll-bar.  "There's  Geordey  Gallon  !  and  now  we  shall  hear 
Bummut  about  it ; "  whereupon  the  scattered  grcnips  began  to 
mingle  and  turn  in  the  direction  of  the  coming  man. 

It  was  Mr.  Gallon, — Mi.  Gallon  on  his  famous  ti-otti ng  hack 
Tippy  Tom — a  vicious  runaway  brute,  that  required  constant  work 
to  keep  it  under,  a  want  that  ]\fr.  Gallon  liberally  supplied  it  with. 
It  now  came  yawning  and  boring  on  the  bit,  one  ear  lying  one 
way,  the  other  another,  shaking  its  head  like  a  terrici-  with  a  rat 
in  its  mouth,  with  a  sort  of  air  that  as  good  as  said,  "  Let  me  go, 
or  I'll  either  knock  your  teeth  down  your  throat  with  my  head,  or 
come  back  over  u])on  you."  So  ^Ir.  Gallon  let  him  go,  and  came 
careering  along  at  a  leg-stuck-ont  sort  of  butcher's  sliunic,  one 
hand  grasping  the  weather-bleached  reins,  the  othei-  a  cutting- 
whip,  Ids  green  coat-laps  and  red  kerchief  ends  Hying  out,  his 
baggy  white  cords  and  purple  plush  waistcoat  strings  all  in  a 
flutter,  looking  as  if  he  was  going  to  bear  away  the  gate  and 
house,  Toney  Tioftus  and  wife,  all  before  hini.  Fortunately  for 
the  byestanders  there  was  plenty  of  space,  which,  coupled  with  the 
deep  holding  ground  and  ]\Ir.  Gallnn's  iunple  weight — good  sixteen 
stone — enabled  him  to  bring  the  white  nag  to  its  bearings  ;  and 
after  charging  a  flock  of  geese,  and  nearly  knocking  down  a  Bar- 


290  ASK    MAMMA. 

celona-nut  mercliant,  he  got  him  manoeuvred  in  a  semicircular  sort 
of  way  up  to  the  gate,  just  as  if  it  was  all  right  and  plain  sailing. 
He  then  steadied  him  with  a  severe  double-handed  jerk  of  the  bit, 
coupled  with  one  of  those  deep  ominous  wh-o-o  ah's  that  always 
preceded  a  hiding.  Tippy  Tom  dropped  his  head  as  if  he  under- 
stood him. 

All  eyes  were  now  anxiously  scrutinising  Gallon's  great  rubicund 
double-chinned  visage,  for,  in  addition  to  his  general  sporting 
knowledge  and  acquirements,  he  was  just  fresh  from  the  scene  of 
action  where  he  had  doubtless  been  able  to  form  an  opinion. 
Even  Sir  Moses,  who  hated  the  sight  of  him,  and  always  declared 
he  "ought  to  be  hung,"  vouchsafed  him  a  "good  morning, 
Gallon,"  which  the  latter  returned  with  a  familiar  nod. 

He  then  composed  himself  in  his  capacious  old  saddle,  and  tak- 
ing oS"  his  white  shallow  began  mopping  his  great  bald  head, 
hoping  that  some  one  would  sound  the  key-note  of  speculation  ere 
the  advancing  parties  arrived  at  the  gate.  They  all,  however, 
seemed  to  wish  to  defer  to  Mr.  Gallon — Gallon  was  the  man  for 
their  money,  Gallon  knew  a  thing  or  two.  Gallon  was  up  to  snuff, 
— go  it,  Gallon  ! 


"  "What  does  onybody  say  'boot  it  Frenchman  ?  "  at  length  asked 
he  in  his  elliptical  Yorkshire  dialect,  looking  round  on  the 
company. 

"  What  do  you  say  'boot  it  Frenchman,  Sir  Moses  ?  "  asked  he, 
not  getting  an  answer  from  any  one. 

"  Faith,  I  know  nothing,"  replied  the  Baronet,  with  a  slight 
curl  of  the  lip. 

"  Nay,  yeer  tied  to  know  summut,  hooever,"  replied  Gallon, 
rubbing  his  nose  across  the  back  of  his  hand  ;  "  yecr  tied  to  know 
summut,  hooever.     Why,  he's  a  stoppin'  at  yeer  house,  isn't  he  ?" 

"  That  may  all  be,"  rejoined  Sir  Moses,  "  without  my  know- 
ing anything  of  his  riding.  What  do  you  say  yourself  ?  you've 
seen  him." 

"  Seen  him  !  "  retorted  Gallon,  "  why  he's  a  queer  lookin'  chap, 
ony  hoo — that's  all  ar  can  say  :  haw,  haw,  haw." 

"  You  won't  back  him,  then  ?  "  said  Sir  ]Moses,  inquiringly. 

"Hardly  that,"  replied  Gallon,  sliaking  his  head  and  laughing 
heartily,  "hardly  that,  SirMoses.  Aril  tell  you  whatar'll  do,though," 
said  he,  "just  to  mak  sport  loike,  ar'll  tak  yeer  two  to  one — two 
croons  to  one,"  producing  a  greasy-looking  metallic-pencilled 
betting-book  as  he  spoke. 

.Just  then  a  move  outside  the  ring  announced  an  arrival,  and 
presently  Mr.  Heslop  came  steering  Cuddy  Flintoff  along  in  his 


ASK    MAMMA.  291 

wife's  Croydon  basket-carriage,  Cuddy's  head  decked  in  an  orange- 
coloured  silk  cap,  and  his  whole  person  enveloped  in  a  blue  pilot 
coat  with  large  mother-of-pearl  buttons.  The  ominous  green- 
pointed  jockey  whip  was  held  between  his  knees,  as  with  folded 
arms  he  lolled  carelessly  in  the  carriage,  trying  to  look  comfortable 
and  unconcerned. 

"  Mornin',  Flintoflf,  how  are  ye  ?  "  cried  Sir  Moses,  waving  his 
hand  from  his  loftier  vehicle,  as  they  drew  up. 

"  Mornin',  Heslop,  how  goes  it  ?  Has  anybody  seen  anything 
of  Monsieur  ?"  asked  he,  without  waiting  for  an  answer  to  either 
of  these  important  inquiries. 

"  He's  coming.  Sir  Moses,"  cried  several  voices,  and  presently 
the  Marseillaise  hymn  of  liberty  was  borne  along  on  the  southerly 
breeze,  and  Jack's  faded  black  hunting-cap  was  seen  bobbing  up 
and  down  in  the  crowd  that  encircled  him,  as  he  rode  along  on 
Paul  Straddler's  shooting  pony. 

Jack  had  been  at  the  brandy  bottle,  and  had  imbibed  just 
enongh  to  make  him  excessively  noisy. 

"  Three  cheers  for  IMonsieur  Jean  Rougier,  de  next  Emperor  of 
de  French  !  "  cried  he,  rising  in  his  stirrups,  as  he  ai)proached  the 
crowd,  taking  oil"  his  old  brown  hunting-cap,  and  waving  it  tri- 
umphantly, "Three  cheers  for  de  best  foxer,  de  best  fencer,  de 
best  tighter  in  all  Europe  I  "  and  at  a  second  flourish  of  the  cap 
the  crowd  came  into  the  humour  of  the  thing,  and  cheered  him 
lustily.  And  then  of  course  it  was  one  cheer  more  for  Monsieur ; 
and  one  cheer  more  he  got 

"  Three  cheers  for  ould  England  !  "  then  demanded  Mr.  Gallon 
on  behalf  of  Mr.  FlintofT,  which  being  duly  responded  to,  he  again 
asked  "  What  onybody  would  do  'boot  it  Frenchman  ?  " 

"  Now,  gentlemen,"  cried  Sir  Closes,  standing  erect  in  his  dog- 
cart, and  waving  his  hand  for  silence  :  "Now,  gentlemen,  listen 
to  me  I  "  Instead  of  which  somebody  roared  out,  "  Three  cheers 
for  Sir  Moses  !  "  and  at  ic  they  went  again,  Hoomi/,  hooray, 
hooray,  for  when  an  English  mob  once  liegins  cheering,  it  never 
knows  when  to  stop.  "  Now,  gentlemen,  listen  to  me,"  again  cried 
he,  as  soon  as  the  noise  had  subsided.  "  It's  one  o'clock,  and 
it's  time  to  ])i-oceod  to  business.  I  called  yon  here  that  there 
might  be  no  unnecessary  trespass  or  tampering  with  the  ground, 
and  I  think  I've  chosen  a  line  that  will  enal)le  you  all  to  see  without 
risk  to  yourselves  or  injury  to  anyone"  (applause,  mingled  with  a 
tinkh'ng  of  the  little  bells).  "  AVeli  now,"  added  he,  "follow  me, 
and  I'll  show  you  the  way  ;  "  so  saying,  he  resumed  his  seat,  and 
passing  through  the  gate  turned  short  to  the  right,  taking  the 
diagonal  road  leading  down  the  hill,  in  the  direction  of  I'eatiier- 
bedfordshire. 


292  ASK     MAMMA. 

"  Where  can  it  be  ?  "  was  then  the  cry. 

"  I  know,"  replied  one  of  the  know-everythiug  ones. 

"  Rainford,  for  a  guinea  !  "  exdaimed  Mr.  Gallon,  iighing  with 
Tippy  Tom.  who  wanted  to  be  back. 

"  I  say  Rushworth  ! "  rejoined  ]Mr.  Heslop,  cutting  in  before 
him. 

''  Nothin'  o'  the  sort  ! "  asserted  Mr.  Buckwheat  ;  "  he's  for 
Ilarlingson  green  to  a  certainty." 

The  heterogeneous  cavalcade  then  fell  into  line,  the  yeliicles  and 
pedestrians  keeping  the  road,  while  the  horsemen  spread  out  on 
either  side  of  the  open  common,  with  the  spirit  of  speculatiou 
divided  between  where  the  race  was  to  be  and  who  was  to  win. 

Thus  they  descended  the  hill  and  joined  the  broad,  once  well- 
kept  turnpike,  whose  neglected  milestones  still  denoted  the  distance 
between  London  and  Hinton — London  so  many  miles  on  one  side, 
Hinton  so  many  miles  on  the  other — things  fast  passing  into  the 
regions  of  antiquity.  Sir  Moses  now  put  on  a  little  quicker,  and 
passing  through  the  village  of  Xettleton  and  clearing  the  planta- 
tion beyond,  a  long  strip  of  country  lay  open  to  the  eye,  heuimed  in 
between  the  parallel  lines  of  the  c"a1  road  and  the  new  Crumpletin 
Railway. 

He  then  pulled  up  on  Uie  rising  ground,  and,  placing  his  whip 
in  the  socket,  stood  up  to  wait  the  coming  of  the  combatants,  to 
point  them  out  the  line  he  had  fixed  for  the  race.  The  spring 
tide  of  population  flowed  in  apace,  and  he  was  presently 
surrounded  with  horsemen,  gigmen.  footmen,  and  bellmen  as 
before. 

"  Xow,  gentlemen  ! "  cried  Sir  Moses,  addressing  'Mr.  Flintoff 
and  Monsieur,  who  were  again  ranged  on  cither  side  of  his  dog- 
cart :  "Xow,  gentlemen,  you  see  the  line  l)efore  you.  The 
stacks,  on  the  right  here,"  pointing  to  a  row  of  wheat  stacks  in 
the  adjoining  field,  "  are  the  starting  post,  and  you  Jiave  to  make 
your  ways  as  straight  as  ever  you  can  to  Lawristone  Chtmp 
yonder,"  pointing  to  a  clump  of  dark  Scotch  firs  standing  against 
the  clear  blue  sky,  on  a  little  round  hill,  about  the  middle  of  a  rich 
old  pasture  on  Thrivewell  Farm,  the  clump  being  now  rendered 
more  conspicuous  by  sundry  vehicles  clustered  about  its  base,  the 
fair  inmates  of  which  had  received  a  private  hint  from  Sir  ^Moscs 
where  to  go  to.  The  Baronet  always  played  up  to  the  fair,  with 
whom  he  flattered  himself  he  was  a  great  favourite. 

"  Xow  then,  you  see,"  continued  he,  '"you  can't  get  wrong,  for 
you've  nothing  to  do  but  to  keep  between  the  lines  of  the  rail 
and  the  road,  on  to  neither  of  which  must  you  come  ;  and  now 
you  gentlemen,"  continued  he,  addressing  the  spectators  generally, 
"there's  not  the  slightest  occasion  for  any  of  \vu   to  go  ofi'  the 


Ask  ^TA^IMA.  295 

road,  for  you'll  see  a  great  deal  better  on  it,  and  sa^e  both  your 
own  necks  and  the  fanners'  crops  ;  so  just  let  me  advise  you  to 
keep  where  you  are,  and  follow  the  jockeys  field  by  field  as  they 
go.  And  now,  gentlemen,"  continued  he,  again  addressing  the 
competitors,  "  having  said  all  I  have  to  say  on  the  subject,  I 
advise  you  to  get  your  horses  and  make  a  start  of  it,  for  though 
the  day  is  fine  it's  still  winter,  you'll  remember,  and  there 
are  several  ladies  waiting  for  your  coming."  So  saying,  Sir 
Moses  soused  down  in  his  seat,  and  prepared  to  watch  the 
proceedings. 

Mr.  Flintoff  was  the  first  to  peel  ;  and  his  rich  orange  and 
white  silk  jacket,  natty  doeskins,  and  paper-like  boots,  showed 
that  he  had  got  himself  up  as  well  with  a  duo  regard  to  elegance 
as  to  lightness.  He  even  emptied  some  hall'ponce  out  of  his 
pockets,  in  order  that  he  might  not  carry  extra  weight.  He 
would,  however,  have  been  a  great  deal  happier  at  home.  There 
was  no  "  yoicks,  wind  him,"  or  "  yoicks,  push  'im  up,"  in  him 
now. 

Monsieur  did  not  show  to  so  much  advantage  as  Cuddy  ;  but 
still  he  was  a  good  deal  better  attired  than  he  was  out  hunting  on 
the  Crooked-l)il]et  day.  He  still  retained  the  old  brown  cap,  but 
in  lieu  of  the  shabljy  scarlet,  pcgtop  trousers  and  opera-boots,  he 
sported  a  red  silk  jacket,  a  pair  of  old-fashioned  broad-seamed 
leathers,  and  mahogany  boots — the  cap  being  the  property  of  Sir 
Moses's  huntsman,  Tom  Findhiter,  the  other  articles  belonging  to 
Mr.  George  Gallon  of  the  Rose  and  Crown.  And  the  pight  of 
them,  as  Monsieur  stripped,  seemed  to  inspirit  the  lender,  for  he 
immediately  broke  out  with  the  old  inquiry,  "What  does  ony  body 
say  'l)oot  it  Frenchman  ?  " 

"What  do  ijoii  say  'boot  it  Frenchman,  Sir  Moses?"  asked  he. 

Sir  Moses  was  silent,  for  he  couldn't  see  his  way  to  a  satisfactory 
investment  ;  so,  rising  in  his  seat,  he  holloaed  out  to  the  grooms, 
who  were  waiting  their  orders  outside  the  crowd,  to  "bring  in  the 
horses." 

"  Make  way,  there  !  make  way,  there  !  "  cried  he,  as  the  hooded 
and  siieeted  animals  approached  and  made  up  to  their  respective 
riders. 

"Take  oft'  his  nightcap  !  take  off  his  nightcap  !  "  cried  Jack, 
pulling  pettedly  at  the  strings  of  the  hood  ;  "  take  tifl'  his  night- 
cap !  "  repeated  he,  stamping  furiously,  amid  the  laughter  of  the 
bystanders,  many  of  whom  had  never  seen  a  Frenchman,  let  alone 
a  mounted  one,  before. 

The  obnoxious  nightcap  being  removed,  and  the  striped  sheet 
swept  over  his  tail,  ^Ir.  Rowley  Abingdon's  grey  horse  Mayfly 
Btood  showing  himself  as  if  he  was  in  a  dealer's  yard,  for  as  yet  he 


294  ASK    MAMMA. 

had  not  ascertained  what  he  was  out  for.  A  horse  knows  when  he 
is  going  to  hunt,  or  going  to  exercise,  or  going  to  be  shod,  or  going 
to  the  public  house,  but  these  unaccustomed  jaunts  puzzle  him. 
Monsieur  now  proceeded  to  inform  him  by  clutching  at  the  reins, 
as  he  stood  preparing  for  a  leg-up  on  the  wrong  side. 

"  The  other  side,  mun,  the  other  side,"  whispered  Paul  Straddler 
in  his  ear  ;  whereupon  Monsieur  passed  under  the  horse's  head, 
and  appeared  as  he  ought.  The  movement,  however,  was  not  lost 
on  Sir  Moses,  who  forthwith  determined  to  back  Cuddy.  Cuddy 
might  be  bad,  but  Monsieur  must  be  worse,  he  thought. 

"  I'll  lay  an  even  five  on  Mr.  FlintoflP !  "  cried  he  in  a  loud  and 
audible  voice.  "  I'll  lay  an  even  five  on  Mr.  Flintoff,"  repeated 
he,  looking  boldly  round.  "  Gallon,  what  say  you  ?  "  asked  he, 
appealing  to  the  hero  of  the  white  horse. 

"  Can't  be  done.  Sir  Moses,  can't  be  done,"  replied  Gallon, 
grinning  from  ear  to  ear,  with  a  shake  of  his  great  bull  head. 
"  Tak  yeer  three  to  two  if  you  loike,"  added  he,  anxious  to  be  on. 

Sir  Moses  now  shook  his  head  in  return. 

"  Back  myself,  two  pound  ten — forty  shillin',  to  beat  dis  serene 
and  elegant  Englishman  ! "  exclaimed  Jack,  now  bumping  up 
and  down  in  his  saddle  as  if  to  estabb'sh  a  seat. 

"  Do  you  owe  him  any  wages  ?  "  asked  Sir  Moses  of  Billy  in  an 
under-tone,  wishing  to  ascertain  what  chance  there  was  of  being 
paid  if  he  won. 

"  Yarse,  I  owe  him  some,"  replied  Billy  ;  but  how  much  he 
couldn't  say,  not  having  had  Jack's  book  lately. 

Sir  Moses  caught  at  the  answer,  and  the  next  time  Jack  offered 
to  back  himself,  he  was  down  upon  him  with  a  "  Done  ! "  adding, 
"  I'll  lay  you  an  even  pund  if  you  like." 

"  Vith  all  my  heart,  Sare  Moses  Baronet,"  replied  Jack  gaily  ; 
adding,  "  you  are  de  most  engagin',  agreeable  mans  I  knows  ;  a 
perfect  beauty  vidout  de  paint." 

Gallon  now  saw  his  time  was  come,  and  he  went  at  Sir  Moses 
with  a  "  Weell,  coom,  ar'le  lay  ye  an  even  foive." 

"  Done  I  "  cried  the  Baronet. 

"  A  tenner,  if  you  loike  !  "  coniiuued  Gallon,  waxing  valiant. 

Sir  Moses  shook  his  head. 

"  Get  me  von  vet  sponge,  get  me  von  vet  sponge,"  now 
exclaimed  Jack,  looking  about  for  the  groom. 

"  "Wet  sponge  !  "What  the  deuce  do  you  want  with  a  wet 
sponge  ?  "  demanded  Sir  Moses  with  surprise. 

"  Vet  sponge,  just  damp  my  knees  leetle — make  me  stick  on 
better,"  replied  Jack,  turning  first  one  knee  and  then  the  other 
out  of  the  saddle  to  get  sponged. 

"  0  dom  it,  if  it's  come  to  that,  I  may  as  well  liave  the  ten," 


ASK    MAMMA. 


295 


mnttcred  Sir  Moses  to  himself.  So,  nodding  to  Gallon,  he  said 
"  I'll  make  it  ten." 

"  Done  ! "  said  Gallon,  with  a  nod,  and  the  bet  was  made — 
Done,  and  Done,  being  enough  between  gentlemen. 

"  Now,  then,"  cried  Sir  jSIoses,  stepping  down  irom  his  dog- 
cart, "  come  into  the  field,  and  I'll  start  you." 

Away  then  the  coml)atants  went,  and  the  betting  became  hcisk 
in  the  ring.     Mr.  Flintoff  tlu)  favourite  at  evens. 


CHAPITER    XLIV. 


THE    KACK    ITSELF. 

"^^  ROj\r  the  Net- 
tleton  corn- 
stacks  to  Law - 
ristone  Clump 
was  under  two 
miles,  and, 
barring  Ikn- 
dibus  Ik'ook, 
t  h  e  r  c  w  a  s 
nothing  for- 
midable in 
the  line  — ■ 
nothing  at 
least  to  a 
l)eaccalily  dis- 
posed man 
pursuing  the 
evei!  tenor  of 
his  way,  either 
on  horseback 
or  in  In's  cai'- 
ria^-e.  along 
the  deserteil 
London  road. 
Very  diHerent.  however,  did  the  landscajje  now  appear  lo  oui'  friend 
Cuddy  FlintolT.  as  lie  saw  it,  stretching  away  in  diniiiiisliiiig  ])er- 
spective,  presenting  an  alternating  cotn'se  of  liushandiy  - -stulible 
after  grass,  wheat  after  stubble,  seeds  after  wheat,  wiili  perhaj>s 


'  TllKI'.i:     IlillV 


298  ASK    MAMMA. 

pasture  afrain  after  fallovw  Bendibus,  too,  as  its  name  indicates, 
seemed  to  be  here,  there,  and  evcrvwliere  ;  here,  a,s  shown  by  the 
stone  bridge  on  the  road, — there,  as  marked  by  the  pcllard  willows 
lower  down — and  peiierally  wherever  there  wns  an  inconvenient 
breadth  and  irregularity  of  fence.  The  moi'e  ^Ii".  Flintoff  looked 
at  the  landscape,  the  less  he  liked  it.  Still  he  had  a  noble  horse 
under  him  in  General  ilavelock — a  horse  that  could  go  through 
deep  as  fast  as  he  could  over  grass,  and  that  only  required  holding 
together  and  sitting  on  to  carry  him  safe  over  his  fences.  It  was 
just  that,  however,  that  C^uldy  couldn't  master.  He  couldn't  help 
fancying  that  the  horse  would  let  him  down,  and  he  didn't  Hke 
the  idea. 

Mayfly,  on  the  other  hand,  was  rather  skittish,  and  began 
prancing  and  capering  as  soon  as  he  got  off'  the  road  into  the 
field. 

"  Get  'im  by  de  nob  !  get  'im  by  de  nob  !  "  cried  Jack,  setting 
up  his  shoulders.  "  Swing  'im  round  by  de  tail  I  swing  'im  round 
by  de  tail  !"  conrinued  he,  as  the  horse  still  turned  away  from 
his  work. 

"  Ord  dom  it,  that's  that  nasty  crazy  brute  of  old  Eowley 
Abingdon's,  I  do  declare  I"  exclaimed  Sir  !Moses,  getting  out  of 
the  now  plunging  horse's  way.  "Didn't  know  the  beggar  since  he 
was  c]ipi>ed.  That's  the  brute  tliat  killed  poor  Cherisher, — best 
hound  in  my  pack.  Take  care,  Monsieur  !  that  horse  will  eat  you 
if  he  gets  you  ofl"," 

"Eat  me!"  cried  Jack,  pretending  alarm  ;  "dat  vod  be  rare 
unkind." 

Sir  Jfoses.     "Unkind  or  not,  he'll  do  it,  I  assure  you." 

"  Oh,  dear !  oh,  dear  1  "  cried  Jack,  as  the  horse  laid  back  his 
ears,  and  gave  a  sort  of  wincing  kick. 

"I'll  tell  you  what,"  cried  Sir  ^Moses,  emboldened  by  Jack's 
fear,  "  I'll  lay  you  a  crown  you  don't  get  OA^er  the  brook." 

"  Crown,  sare  I  I  have  no  crowns,"  replied  Jack,  pulling 
the  horse  round.  "  I'll  lay  ve  sovereiirn — von  pon  ten,  if  vou 
like." 

"  Come,  I'll  make  it  ten  shillings,  I'll  make  it  ten  shillings," 
replied  Sir  ]\roses  ;  adding,  "  ]\Ir.  Flintoff  is  my  witness." 

"Done!"  cried  ^lonsieur.  "  Done  I  J  takes  the  vagcr.  Von 
pon  I  beats  old  Cuddv  to  de  clomp,  ten  shilliu'  I  gets  over  de 
brook." 

*'  All  right  !  "  rejoined  Sir  Closes,  "  all  right  I  Xow,"  continued 
he,  clapping  his  hands,  "  get  your  horses  together — one,  two, 
three,  and  aira!/ .'  " 

Up  bounced  ^Mayfly  in  the  air  ;  away  went  Cuddy  amidst  the 
cheers  and  shouts  of  the  roadsters — ''Flmtoff/  Flintoff!  Fli?itoffI 


ASK    MAMMA.  297 

The  i/aller  !  the  yalUr  !  the  yaller !  "  followed  by  a  general  rush 
along  the  grass-grown  Macadamised  road,  between  London  and 
Hinton. 

*'  Oh,  dat  is  your  game,  is  it  ?  "  asked  Jack  as  Mayfly,  after  a 
series  of  minor  evolutions,  subsided  on  all  fours  in  a  sort  of  attitude 
of  attention.  "  Dat  is  yomr  game,  is  it !  "  sajring  which  he  just 
took  him  short  by  the  head,  and,  pressing  his  knees  closely  into 
the  saddle,  gave  him  such  a  couple  of  persuasive  digs  with  his 
spurs  as  sent  him  bounding  away  after  the  General.  "  Go  it. 
Frenchman  !  "  was  now  the  cry. 

"  Go  it !  aye  he  can  go  it,"  muttered  Jack,  as  the  horse  now 
dropped  ou  the  bit,  and  laid  himself  out  for  work.  He  was  soon 
in  the  wake  of  his  opponent. 

The  first  field  was  a  well-drained  wheat  stubble,  with  a  newly 
plashed  fence  on  the  ground  between  it  and  the  adjoining  pasture  ; 
which,  presenting  no  obstacle,  they  both  went  at  it  as  if  bent  on 
contending  for  the  lead,  Monsieur  sacrewx^,  grinning,  and  grimac- 
ing, after  the  manner  of  his  adopted  country  ;  while  Mr.  Flintoff 
sailed  away  in  the  true  jockey  style,  thinking  he  was  doing  the 
thing  uncommonly  well. 

Small  as  the  fence  was,  however,  it  afforded  Jack  an  opportunity 
of  shooting  into  his  horse's  shoulders,  which  Cuddy  perceiving,  he 
gave  a  piercing  view  holloa,  and  spurred  away  as  if  bent  on 
bidding  him  goodbye.  This  set  Jack  on  his  mettle  ;  and  getting 
back  into  his  seat  he  gathered  his  horse  togetlier  and  set  too, 
elbows  and  legs,  elbows  and  legs,  in  a  way  that  looked  very  like 
frenzy. 

The  feint  of  a  fall,  however,  was  a  five-pound  note  in  ]\Ir. 
Gallon's  way,  for  Jack  did  it  so  naturally  that  there  was  an  im- 
mediate backing  of  Cuddy.  ''Flinloff!  Flintoff!  Flintoff!  The 
yaller  !  the  yaller  !  the  yalltr  !  "  was  again  the  cry. 

The  pasture  was  sound,  and  they  sped  up  it  best  pace,  Mr. 
FlintofF  well  in  advance. 

The  fence  out  was  nothing  either — a  young  quick  fence  set  on 
the  ground,  which  Cuddy  flew  in  Leicestershire  style,  throwing  up 
his  right  arm  as  he  went.  Monsieur  was  soon  after  him  with  a 
high  bucking  jump. 

They  were  now  upon  plough, — undrained  plough,  too,  which 
the  recent  rains  had  rendered  sticky  and  holding.  General 
Havelock  could  have  crossed  it  at  score,  but  the  ragged  boundary 
fence  of  Thrivewell  farm  now  ajtpfaring  in  view,  Mr.  FlintofV  held 
him  well  together,  while  he  scanned  its  rugged  irregularities  for  a 
place. 

"  These  are  the  nastiest  fences  in  the  world,"  muttered  Cuddy 
to  himself,  "and   I'll   be  bound  to  say  there's  a  great  yawning 

Y 


Wb  ASK    MAMMA. 

ditch  either  on  this  side  or  that.  Dash  it !  I  wish  I  was  oyer," 
continued  he,  looking  up  and  down  for  an  exit.  There  was  very 
little  choice.  Where  there  weren't  great  mountain  ash  or  alder 
growers  laid  into  the  fence,  there  were  bristling  hazel  uprights, 
which  presented  little  more  attraction.  Altogether  it  was  not  a 
desirable  obstacle.  Even  from  the  road  it  looked  like  something. 
•'  Go  it,  Cuddy  /  Go  it !  "  cried  Sir  Moses,  now  again  in  his  dog- 
cart, from  the  midst  of  the  crowd,  adding,  "/fs  nothing  of  a 
place  I " 

"  Isn't  it,"  muttered  Cuddy,  still  looking  up  and  down,  adding, 
"  I  wish  you  had  it  instead  of  me." 

"  Ord  dom  it,  go  at  it  like  a  man  ! "  now  roared  the  Baronet, 
fearing  for  his  investments.  "  Go  at  it  for  the  honour  of  the 
hunt !  for  the  honour  of  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  !  "  continued 
he,  nearly  stamping  the  bottom  of  his  dog-cart  out.  The  mare 
started  forward  at  the  sound,  and  catching  Tippy  Tom  with  the 
shafts  in  the  side,  nearly  upset  Geordey  Gallon,  who,  like  Sir 
Moses,  was  holloaing  on  the  Frenchman.  There  was  then  a 
mutual  interchange  of  compliments.  Meanwhile  Cuddy,  having 
espied  a  weak  bush-stopped  gap  in  a  bend  of  the  hedge,  now  walks 
his  horse  quietly  up  to  it,  who  takes  it  in  a  matter-of-course  sort  of 
way  that  as  good  as  says,  "What  have  you  been  making  such  a  bother 
about."  He  then  gathers  himself  together,  and  shoots  easily  over 
the  wide  ditch  on  the  far  side,  Cuddy  hugging  himself  at  its 
depth  as  he  lands.  Monsieur  then  exclaiming,  "  Dem  it,  I  vill 
not  make  two  bites  of  von  cherry,"  goes  at  the  same  place  at  the 
rate  of  twenty  miles  an  hour,  and  beat  beside  Cuddy  ere  the  latter 
had  well  recovered  from  his  surprise  at  the  feat.  "Ord  rot  it  !  " 
exclaimed  he,  starting  round,  "what  d'ye  mean  by  following  a 
man  that  way  ?  If  I'd  fallen,  you'd  ha'  been  a-top  of  me  to  a 
certainty  " 

"Oh,  never  fear,"  replied  Monsieur,  grinning  and  flourishing 
his  whip.  "  Oh,  never  fear,  I  vod  have  'elped  you  to  pick  up  de 
pieces." 

"  Pick  up  the  pieces,  sir ! "  retorted  Cuddy  angrily.  "  I  don't 
want  to  pick  up  the  pieces.  I  want  to  ride  the  race  as  it  should 
be." 

"  Come  then,  old  cock,"  cried  Monsieur,  spurring  past,  "  you 
shall  jomp  'pon  me  if  you  can."  So  saying,  Jack  hustled  away 
over  a  somewhat  swampy  enclosure,  and  popping  through  an 
open  bridle-gate,  led  the  way  into  a  large  rich  alluvial  pasture 
beyond. 

Jack's  feat  at  the  boundary  feuce,  coupled  with  the  manner  in 
vshich  he  now  sat  and  handled  his  horse,  caused  a  revulsion  of 
feeling  on  the  road,  and  Gallon's  stentorian  roar  of  "  The  French- 


AFiK    MAMMA 


299 


manf  the  Frenchman  ! '"  now  drowned  the  vociferatiuns  i;n  behalf 
of  Mr.  Fhntoff  and  the  "yaller."  Sir  Moses  bit  his  hps  and 
ground  his  teeth  with  undisfjuised  dismay.  If  Fhntoff  let  tlie 
beggar    beat    him,    he — he    didn't    kn<iw    what    he   wonld    do. 


.  ^'^,^^^' 

■•  I  111:  \'.v.\K  !    1  Hi:  lairK  !  " 


"  Flinloff '.    Fllnloff'.''  shrieked  he,  as  Cuddy  again  took  the  lead. 

And  now  dread  Bendil)us  appears  in  view  !  There  was  no  mis- 
taking its  tortuous  siiHiosities,  even  if  the  crowd  on  the  bridi-e 
had  not  kept  vociferating,  "  The  bruk  I  th(^  bnik  !  " 

"The  bruk  be  hanged  1  "  growled  Cuddy,  iiardening  bis  heart 

V  t 


300  ASK    MAMMA. 

for  the  conflict.  "  The  bruk  be  hanged  !  "  repeated  he,  eyeing  its 
varying  curvature,  adding,  *'  if  ever  I  joke  with  any  man  under 
the  rank  of  a  duke  again,  may  I  be  capitally  D'd.  Ass  that  I 
was,"  continued  he,  "  to  take  a  liberty  with  this  confounded 
Frencliman,  who  cares  no  more  for  his  neck  than  a  frog.  Dashed, 
if  ever  I  joke  with  any  man  under  the  rank  of  a  prince  of  the 
blood  royal,"  added  he,  weaving  his  eyes  up  and  down  the  brook 
for  a  place. 

"  Go  at  it  full  tut !  "  now  roars  Sir  Moses  from  the  bridge  ;  "  go 
at  it  full  tilt  for  the  honour  of  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  !  " 

"  Honour  of  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  be  hanged  ! "  growled 
Cuddy  ;  "  who'll  pay  for  my  neck  if  I  break  it,  I  wonder  !  " 

"  Cut  along,  old  cock  of  vax  ! "  now  cries  Monsieur,  grinning 
up  on  the  grey.  "  Cut  along,  old  cock  of  vax,  or  I'll  be  into  your 
pocket." 

"  Shove  him  along  !  "  roars  stentorian -lunged  Gallon,  standing 
erect  in  his  stirrups,  and  waving  Monsieur  on  with  his  hat. 
"  Shove  him  along ! "  repeats  he,  adding,  "  he'll  take  it  in  his 
stride." 

Mayfly  defers  to  the  now-checked  General,  who,  accustomed  to 
be  ridden  freely,  lays  back  iiis  vexed  ears  for  a  kick,  as  Monsieur 
hurries  up.  Cuddy  still  contemplates  the  scene,  anxious  to  be 
over,  but  dreading  to  go.  "  Nothing  so  nasty  as  a  brook,"  says 
he;  "never  gets  less,  but  may  get  larger."  He  then  scans  it 
attentively.  There  is  a  choice  of  ground,  but  it  is  choice  of  evils, 
of  which  it  is  difficult  to  choose  the  least  when  in  a  hurry. 

About  the  centre  are  sedgy  rushes,  indicative  of  a  bad  taking 
off,  while  the  weak  place  next  the  ash  involves  the  chance  of  a 
crack  of  the  crown  against  the  hanging  branch,  and  the  cattle 
gap  higher  up  may  be  mended  with  wire  rope,  or  stopped  with 
some  awkward  invisible  stuflp.  Altogether  it  is  a  trying  position, 
especially  with  the  eyes  of  England  upon  him  from  the  bridge 
and  road. 

"  Oh,  go  at  it,  mun ! "  roars  Sir  Moses,  agonised  at  his  hesitation ; 
"  Oh,  go  at  it,  mun  !     It's  nofhin'  of  a  place  !  " 

"  Isn't  it,"  muttered  Cuddy  ;  "  wish  you  were  at  it  instead  of 
me."  So  saying,  he  gathers  his  horse  together  in  an  undecided 
sort  of  way,  and  Monsieur  charging  at  the  moment,  lands  Cuddie 
on  his  back  in  the  field  and  himself  in  the  brook. 

Then  a  mutual  roar  arose,  as  either  party  saw  its  champion  in 
distress. 

"  Slick  to  him,  Cuddy .'  stick  to  him  !  "  roai-s  Sir  Closes. 

"  Stick  to  him,  Mouncheer !  stick  to  him  I  "  vociferates  Mr. 
Gallon  on  the  other  side. 

They  do  as   they  are  bid ;   Mr.  Fiintoff  remounting  j  ust  as 


ASK    MAMMA.  801 

Monsieur  scrambles  out  of  the  brook,  and  Cuddy's  blood  now 
being  roused,  he  runs  the  General  gallantly  at  it,  and  lands,  hind 
legs  and  all,  on  the  opposite  bank.  Loud  cheers  followed  the 
feat. 

It  is  now  anybody's  race,  and  the  vehemence  of  speculation  is 
intense. 

"  The  red  !  "— "  The  yaller  !  the  yaller  !  "— "  The  red  !  "  Mr. 
Gallon  is  fi-antic,  and  Tippy  Tom  leads  the  way  along  the  turn- 
pike as  if  he,  too,  was  in  the  race.  Sir  Moses's  mare  breaks  into 
a  canter,  and  makes  the  action  of  the  gig  resemble  that  of  a  boat 
going  to  sea.  The  crowd  rush  pell-mell  without  looking  where 
they  are  going  ;  it  is  a  wonder  that  nobody  is  killed. 

Lawristone  Clump  is  now  close  at  hand,  enlivened  with  the  gay 
parasols  and  colours  of  the  ladies. 

There  are  but  three  more  fences  between  the  competitors  and  it, 
and  seeing  what  he  thinks  a  weak  place  in  the  next,  Mr.  FlintoflF 
races  for  it  over  the  sound  furrows  of  the  deeply-drained  pasture. 
As  he  gets  near  it  begins  to  look  larger,  and  Cuddy's  irresolute 
handling  makes  the  horse  swerve. 

"  Now,  then,  old  stoopid !  "  cries  Jack,  in  a  good  London 
cabman's  accent ;  "  Now,  then,  old  stoopid  !  vot  are  ye  stargazing 
that  way  for  ?     Vy  don't  yc  go  over  or  get  out  o'  de  vay  ?  " 

"  Go  yourself,''  growled  Cuddy,  pulling  his  horse  round. 

"  Go  myself ! "  repeated  Jack ;  "  'ow  the  doose  can  I  go  vid 
your  great  carcase  stuck  i'  the  vay  !  " 

"  My  great  carcase  stuck  i'  the  way  !  "  retorted  Cuddy,  spurring 
and  hauling  at  his  horse.  "  My  great  carcase  stuck  in  the  way  ! 
Look  at  your  own,  and  be  hanged  to  ye  !  " 

"  Veil,  look  at  it  !  "  replied  Jack,  backing  his  horse  for  a  run, 
and  measuring  his  distance,  he  clapped  spurs  freely  in  his  sides, 
and  going  at  it  full  tilt,  flew  over  the  feuce,  exclaiming  as  he  lit, 
*'  Dere,  it  is  fur  you  to  'zamine." 

"  That  fellei-  can  ride  a  deuced  deal  better  than  he  pretends," 
muttered  Cuddy,  wishing  his  tailorism  mightn't  be  all  a  trick  ; 
saying  which  he  followed  Jack's  example,  and  taking  a  run  he 
presently  landed  in  the  next  field,  amidst  the  cheers  of  the 
roadsters.  Tiiis  Avas  a  fallow,  deep,  wet,  and  undrained,  and  his 
well  ribbed-up  horse  was  more  than  a  match  for  Jack's  across  it. 
Feeling  he  could  go.  Cuddy  set  hiniseli'  home  in  his  saddle,  and 
flourishing  his  whip,  cantered  past,  exrlaiming,  "Come  along  old 
stick  in  the  mud  I' 

"  I'll  stick  i'  the  mod  ye  !  "  rei)lied  .lack,  ling<;ing  and  holding 
his  sobbing  horse.  "  I'll  stick  i'  the  mod  ye  !  Slop  till  I  gets  otT 
dis  l)irdliniing  lield,  and  I'll  give  you  de  go-bye,  Cuddy,  old 
cocL" 


302  ASK    MAMMA. 

Jack  was  as  good  as  his  word,  for  the  ground  getting  sounder 
on  the  slope,  he  spurted  up  a  wet  furrow,  racing  with  Cuddy  for 
the  now  obvious  gap,  that  afforded  some  wretched  half-starved 
calves  a  choice  between  the  rushes  of  one  field  and  the  whicken 
grass  of  the  other.  Pop,  Jack  went  over  it,  looking  back  and 
exclaiming  to  Cuddy,  "  Bon  jour  !  top  of  de  mornin'  to  you, 
sare  ! "  as  he  hugged  his  horse  and  scuttled  up  a  high-backed 
ridge  of  the  sour  blue  and  yellow-looking  pasture. 

The  money  was  now  in  great  jeopardy,  and  the  people  on  the 
road  shouted  and  gesticulated  the  names  of  their  respective 
favourites  with  redoubled  energy,  as  if  their  eagerness  could  add 
impetus  to  the  animals.  '' Flintoff !  Flintoff !  FUntoff ! ''  ''The 
Frenchman  !  the  Frenchman  I  "  as  Monsieur  at  length  dropped  his 
hands  and  settled  into  something  like  a  seat.  On,  on,  they  went, 
^lonsieur  every  now  and  then  looking  back  to  see  that  he  had  a 
proper  space  between  himself  and  his  pursuer,  and,  giving  his 
horse  a  good  dig  with  his  spurs,  he  lifted  him  over  a  stiff 
stake-and-rice  fence  that  separated  him  from  the  field  with  the 
Ckimp. 

"  Here  they  come  ! "  is  now  the  cry  on  the  hill,  and  fair  faces 
at  length  turn  to  contemplate  the  galloppers,  who  come  sprawling 
up  the  valley  in  the  unsightly  way  fore-shortened  horses  appear  to 
do.  The  road  gate  on  the  right  flies  suddenly  open,  and  Tippy 
Tom  is  seen  running  away  with  Geordey  Gallon,  who  just 
manages  to  manoeuvre  him  round  the  Clump  to  the  front  as 
Monsieur  comes  swinging  in  an  easy  winner. 

Glorious  victory  for  Geordey  !  Glorious  victory  for  Monsieur  ! 
They  can't  have  won  less  than  thirty  pounds  between  them, 
supposing  they  get  paid,  and  that  Geordey  gives  Jack  his 
"  reglars."  Well  may  Geordey  throw  up  his  shallow  hat  and  hug 
the  winner.  But  who  shall  depict  the  agony  of  Sir  Moses  at  this 
dreadful  blow  to  his  finances  ?  The  way  lie  dom'd  Cuddy,  the 
way  he  dom'd  Jack,  the  way  he  swung  frantically  about  Lawristone 
Clump,  declaring  he  was  ruined  for  ever  and  ever  I  After 
thinking  of  everybody  at  all  equal  to  the  task,  we  are  obliged  to 
get  our  old  friend  Echo  to  answer  "  Who  !  " 


ASK    MAMMA. 


303 


CHAPTER    XLV. 

HENEKEY    HKOWN    &    Co.    .UiAlN. 


fast-receding  veliielc  ;  "  what's 
thinking  he  would  liave  to  go  to 
"  0  dear  Thir  Mothes  is  gone 


it  Baronet  (»tT  ? "' 
Pangburn  Park  tui 
"  Hsped  pretty  Miss  ]\IcchHnton, 


HE  first  parox- 
ysm of  rage 
being  over, 
Sir  Moses  re- 
mounted his 
dog-cart,  and 
drove  rapidly 
off,  seeming  to 
take  pleasure 
in  making  his 
boy-groom 
(who  was  at 
the  mare's 
head)  run 
after  it  as  long 
as  he  could. 

"What's 
it  Baronet 
off?"  e  X - 
claimed  Mr. 
Gallon, staring 
with  astonisli- 
ment  at  the 
repeated  he, 
n's  moncv. 


who  wanted  to  have  a  look  at  our  hero,  Mr.  Pringle,  who  she 
heard  was  frightfully  handsome,  and  alarmingly  rich.  And  the 
Ladies,  who  had  been  too  much  occupied  with  the  sudden  rush  of 
excited  people  to  notice  Sir  Moses's  movements,  wondered  what 
had  happened  that  he  didn't  come  to  give  his  tongue  an  airing 
among  them  as  usual.  One  said  he  had  got  the  tooth-ache  ; 
another,  the  ear-ache  ;  a  third,  that  he  liad  got  something  in  his 
eye  ;  while  a  satirical  gentleman  said  it  looked  more  like  a  B.  in 
liis  bonnet. 

"  Ony  hoo,"'  however,  :is  ^Ir.  Gallon  would  say,  Sir  Moses  was 
presently  out  nf  the  held  and  on  to  tlie  hard  turiii)ike  again. 

We  need  scarcely  say  that  ^Ir.  Pringle's  ride  home  witli  him 
was  not  of  a  very  agreeable  character  ;  indeed,  the  Baronet  had 
seldom  l)een  seen  to  l)e  so  put  out  of  his  way,  and  the  mare  came 


304  ASK    MAMMA. 

in  for  frequent  salutations  with  tLe  whip — latitudinally,  longitu- 
dinally, and  horizontally,  over  the  head  and  cars,  accompmied 
by  cutting  commentaries  on  Flintoif's  utter  uselessness  and 
inability  to  do  anything  but  drink. 

He  "  nerer  saw  such  a  man — domd  if  ever  he  did,"  and  he 
whipped  the  mare  again  in  confirmation  of  tlie  opinion. 

Nor  did  matters  mend  on  arriving  at  home  ;  for  here  Mr. 
Mordecai  Nathan  met  him  in  the  entrance  hall,  with  a  very 
doleful  face,  to  announce  that  Henerey  Brown  &  Co.,  who  had 
long  been  coddling  up  their  horses,  had  that  morning  succeeded 
in  sloping  with  them  and  their  stock  to  Halterley  Fair,  and 
selling  them  in  open  market,  leaving  a  note  hanging  to  the  key 
in  the  house-door,  saying  that  they  had  gone  to  Horseterhaylia, 
where  Sir  Moses  needia't  trouble  to  follow  them. 

"  Ond  dom  it  !"  shrieked  the  Baronet,  jumping  up  in  the  air  like 
a  stricken  deer  ;  "  ond  dom  it !  I'm  robbed  !  I'm  robbed  !  I'm 
ruined  !  I'm  ruined !  "  and  tottering  to  an  arm-chair,  he  sank, 
overpowered  with  the  blow.  Henerey  Brown  &  Co.  had  indeed 
been  too  many  for  him.  After  a  long  course  of  retrograding 
husbandry,  they  seemed  all  at  once  to  have  turned  over  a  new 
leaf,  if  not  in  the  tillage  way,  at  all  events  in  that  still  better  way 
for  the  land,  the  cattle  line, — store  stock,  with  some  symptoms 
of  beef  on  their  bones,  and  sheep  with  whole  fleeces,  going  on  all- 
fours  depastured  the  fields,  making  Mordecai  Nathan  think  it  was 
all  the  fruits  of  his  superior  management.  Alack  a-day  !  They 
belonged  to  a  friend  of  Lawyer  Hindmarch's,  who  thought  Henerey 
Brown  &  Co.  might  as  well  eat  all  off  the  land  ere  they  left.  And 
so  they  ate  it  as  bare  as  a  board. 

"  Ond  dom  it,  how  came  you  to  let  them  escape  ? "  now 
demanded  the  Baronet,  wringing  his  hands  in  despair  ;  "  ond  dom 
it,  how  came  you  to  let  them  escape  ?  "  continued  he,  throwing 
himself  back  in  the  chair. 

"  Why  really,  Sir  Moses,  I  was  perfectly  deceived  ;  I  thought 
they  were  beginning  to  do  better,  for  though  they  were  back  with 
their  ploughing,  they  seemed  to  be  turning  their  attention  to 
stock,  and  I  was  in  hopes  that  in  time  they  would  pull  round." 

"  PuU  round  !  "  ejaculated  the  Baronet  ;  "  pull  round  !  They'll 
flatten  me  I  know  with  their  pulling  ; "  and  thereupon  he  kicked 
out  both  legs  before  him  as  if  he  was  done  with  them  altogether. 

His  seat  being  in  the  line  of  the  door,  a  rude  draught  now 
caught  his  shoulder,  which  making  him  think  it  was  no  use 
sitting  there  to  take  cold  and  the  rheumatism,  he  suddenly 
bounced  up,  and  telling  Nathan  to  stay  where  he  was,  he  ran  up 
stairs,  and  quickly  changed  his  fine  satiney,  velvetey,  holiday 
garments,  for  a  suit  of  dingy  old  tweeds,  that  looked  desperately  in 


ASK    MAMMA.  306 

want  of  the  washing-tub.  Then  surmounting  the  whole  with  a 
drab  wide-awake,  he  chitched  a  knotty  dog-whip,  and  set  off  on 
foot  with  his  agent  to  the  scene  of  disaster,  rehearsing  the  Hcking 
he  would  give  Henerey  with  the  whip  if  he  caught  him,  as  he 
went. 

Away  he  strode,  as  if  he  was  walking  a  match,  down  Dolly's 
Close,  over  the  stile,  into  Farmer  Hayford's  fields,  and  away  by  the 
back  of  the  lodges,  through  Orwell  Plantation  and  Lowestoff  End, 
into  the  Rushworth  and  Mayland  Road. 

Doblington  farm-house  then  stood  on  the  rising  ground  before 
him.  It  was  indeed  a  wi'etched,  dilapidated,  woe-begone-looking 
place  ;  bad  enough  when  enlivened  with  the  presence  of  cattle 
and  the  other  concomitants  of  a  farm  ;  but  now,  with  only  a  poor 
white  pigeon,  that  Henerey  Brown  &  Co.,  as  if  in  bitter  irony, 
had  left  behind  them,  it  looked  the  veiy  picture  of  misery  and 
poverty-stricken  desolation. 

It  was  red-tiled  and  had  been  rough-cast,  but  the  casting  was 
fast  coming  off,  leaving  fine  map-like  tracings  of  green  damp  on 
the  walls, — a  sort  of  map  of  Italy  on  one.  side  of  the  door,  a  map 
of  Africa  on  the  other,  one  of  Horseterhaylia  about  the  centre, 
with  a  perfect  battery  of  old  hats  bristling  in  the  broken  panes  of 
the  windows.  Nor  was  this  all  ;  for,  by  way  of  saving  coals, 
Henerey  &  Humphrey  had  consumed  all  the  available  wood  about 
the  place — stable-fittings,  cow-house-fittings,  pig-sty-fitfcings,  even 
part  of  the  staircase — and  acting  under  the  able  advice  of  Ijawyer 
Hindmarch,  had  carried  away  the  pot  and  oven  from  the  kitchen, 
and  all  the  grates  from  the  fire-places,  under  pretence  of  having 
bought  them  of  the  outgoing  tenant  when  they  entered, — a  fact 
that  the  lawyer  said  "  would  be  difiicult  to  disprove."  If  it  had 
not  been  that  Henerey  Brown  &  Co.  had  been  sitting  rent-free, 
and  that  the  dilapidated  state  of  the  premises  formed  an 
excellent  subject  of  attack  for  parrying  payment  when  rent 
came  to  be  demanded,  it  would  be  difficult  to  imagine  people 
living  in  a  house  where  they  had  to  wheel  their  beds  about  to  get 
to  the  least  drop-exposed  quarter,  and  where  the  ceilings  bagged 
down  from  the  rafters  like  old-fashioned  window-hangings. 
People,  however,  can  put  up  with  a  great  deal  when  it  saves  their 
own  pockets.  Master  and  man  having  surveyed  the  exterior 
then  entered. 

"Well,"  saiu  ^ir  Closes,  looking  round  on  the  scene  of  desolation, 
"  they've  made  a  clean  sweep  at  all  events." 

*•  They  have  that,"  assented  j\Ir.  ^lordecai  Xathan. 

"  I  wonder  it  didn't  strike  you,  when  you  caught  them  selling 
their  straw  off  at  night,  that  they  would  be  doinir  something  of 
this  sort,'  observed  Sir  Moses. 


306  ASK    MAM3IA. 

"Why,  I  thought  it  rather  strange," replied  Mr. Nathan ;  "only 
they  assured  me  that  for  every  load  of  straw  they  sold,  they  brought 
back  double  the  value  in  guano,  or  I  certainly  should  have  been 
more  on  the  alert." 

"  Guano  be  hanged  ! "  rejoined  the  Baronet,  trying  to  open  the 
kitchen  window,  to  let  some  fresh  air  into  the  foul  apartment ; 
•'guano  be  hanged!  one  ton  of  guano  makes  itself  into  twenty  ton 
with  the  aid  of  Kentish  gravel.  No  better  trade  than  spurious 
manure-manufacturing  ;  almost  as  good  as  cabbage-cigar  making. 
Besides,"  continued  he,  "  the  straw  goes  off  to  a  certainty,  whereas 
there's  no  certainty  about  the  guano  coming  back  instead  of  it. 
Oh,  dom  it,  man,"  continued  he,  knocking  some  of  the  old  hats 
out  of  the  broken  panes,  after  a  fruitless  effort  to  open  the  window, 
"  I'd  have  walked  the  bailiffs  into  the  beggars  if  I  could  have 
foreseen  this." 

"  So  would  I,  Sir  Moses,"  replied  Mr.  Nathan ;  "  only  who 
could  we  get  to  come  [a  their  place  ?  " 

That  observatiou  of  Mr.  Mordecai  Nathan  comprises  a  great 
deal,  and  accounts  for  much  apparent  good  landlordism,  which 
lets  a  bad  tenant  go  on  from  year  to  year  with  the  occasional 
payment  of  a  driblet  of  rent,  instead  of  ejecting  him  ;  the  real 
fact  being  that  the  landlord  knows  there  is  no  one  to  get  to  come 
in  his  place — no  better  one  at  least — and  that  fact  constitutes 
one  of  the  principal  difficulties  of  land-owning.  If  a  landlord  is  not 
prepared  to  take  an  out-of-order  farm  into  his  own  hands,  he  must 
either  put  up  with  an  incompetent  non-paying  tenant,  or  run  the 
risk  of  getting  a  worse  one  from  the  general  body  of  outlying 
incompetence.     A  farm  will  always  let  iur  something. 

There  is  a  regular  rolling  stock  of  bad  farmers  in  every  country, 
who  pass  from  district  to  district,  exercising  their  ingenuity  in  ex- 
tracting whatever  little  good  their  predecessors  have  left  in  the 
land.  These  men  are  the  steady,  determined  enemies  to  grass. 
Their  great  delight  is  to  get  leave  to  plough  out  an  old  pasture- 
field  under  pretence  of  laying  it  down  better.  There  won't  be  a 
grass  field  on  a  farm  but  what  they  will  take  some  exception  to, 
and  ask  leave  to  have  "  out "  as  they  call  it.  Then  if  they  get 
leave,  they  take  care  never  to  have  a  good  take  of  seeds,  and  so 
plough  on  and  plough  on,  promising  to  lay  it  down  better  after 
each  fresh  attempt,  just  as  a  thimble-rigger  urges  his  dupe  to 
go  on  and  go  on,  and  try  his  luck  cnce  more,  until  land  and  dupe 
are  both  fairly  exhausted.  The  tcnaa'.  chen  marches,  and  the 
thimble-rigger  decamps,  each  in  search  of  fresh  fields  and  flats 
new. 

Considering  that  all  writers  on  agriculture  agree  that  grass  laud 
pays  double,  if  not  treble,  what  arable  land  does,  and  that  one  ig 


ASK    MAMMA.  307 

80  much  more  beautiful  to  the  eye  than  the  other,  to  say  nothing 
of  pleasanter  to  ride  over,  we  often  wonder  that  landlords  have 
not  turned  their  attention  more  to  the  increase  and  encouragement 
of  grass  land  on  their  estates  than  they  have  done. 

To  be  sure  they  have  always  had  the  difficulty  to  contend  with 
we  have  named,  viz.,  a  constant  hankering  on  the  part  of  even 
some  good  tenants  to  plough  it  out.  A  poor  grass-field,  like  Gay's 
hare,  seems  to  have  no  friends.  Each  man  proposes  to  improve  it 
by  ploughing  it  out,  forgetful  of  the  fact,  that  it  may  also  be 
improved  by  manuring  the  surface.  The  quantity  of  arable  land 
on  a  farm  is  what  puts  landlords  so  much  in  the  power  of  bad 
farmers.  If  farms  consisted  of  three  parts  grass  and  one  part 
plough,  instead  of  three  parts  plough  and  one  part  grass,  no 
landlord  need  ever  put  up  with  an  indifferent,  incompetent  tenant; 
for  the  grass  would  carry  him  through,  and  he  could  either  let  the 
farm  off,  field  by  field,  to  butchers  and  graziers,  or  pasture  it 
himself,  or  hay  it  if  he  liked.  Nothing  pays  better  than  hay. 
A  very  small  capital  would  then  suffice  for  the  arable  land ; 
and  there  being,  as  we  said  before,  a  rolling  stock  of  scratching 
land-starvers  always  on  the  look-out  for  out-of-order  farms,  so 
every  landowner  should  have  a  rolling  stock  of  horses  and  farm- 
implements  ready  to  turn  upon  any  one  that  is  not  getting  justice 
done  it.  There  is  no  fear  of  gentlemen  being  overloaded  with  land  ; 
for  the  old  saying,  "  It's  a  good  thing  to  follow  the  laird,"  will 
always  insure  plenty  of  applicants  for  any  farm  a  landlord  is 
leaving — supposing,  of  course,  that  he  has  been  doing  it  justice 
himself,  which  we  must  say  landlords  always  do ;  the  first  result  we 
see  of  a  gentleman  farming  being  the  increase  of  the  size  of  his 
stock-yard,  and  this  oftentimes  in  the  face  of  a  diminished  acreage 
under  the  plough. 

Then  see  what  a  saving  there  is  in  grass-farming  compared  to 
tillage  husbandry  :  no  ploughs,  no  harrows,  no  horses,  no  lazy 
leg-dragging  clowns,  who  require  constant  watcliiug  ;  the  cattle 
will  feed  whether  master  is  at  home  or  polishing  St.  James's  Street 
in  paper  boots  and  a  tiglit  bearing-rein. 

Again,  the  independence  of  the  grass-farmer  is  so  great.  When 
tlie  wind  howls  and  the  rain  beats,  and  the  torrents  roar,  and 
rfohn  Flail  lies  quaking  in  bed,  fearing  for  his  corn,  then  old  Tom 
Nelmchadnezzar  turns  quietly  over  on  his  side  like  the  Irish  jontle- 
man  who,  when  told  the  house  was  on  fire,  replied,  "Arrah,  b^ 
Jasus,  I'm  only  a  lodger  !  "  and  says,  "  Ord  rot  it,  let  it  rain  ; 
it'll  do  me  no  harm  !  I'm  only  a  grass-grower  1  " 

But  we  are  leaving  Sir  ^Moses  in  the  midst  of  liis  desolation, 
with  nothing  but  the  chilly  forj  of  a  winter's  evening  and  his  own 
bright  thou'^hts  to  console  him. 


JOb  ASK    MAMMA. 

*'  And  doiu  it,  I'm  off,"  exclaimed  he,  fairly  overcome  with  the 
impurity  of  the  place ;  and  hurrying  out,  he  ran  away  towards 
home,  leaving  Mr.  Mordecai  Nathan  to  lock  the  empty  house  up, 
or  not,  just  as  he  liked. 

And  to  Pangburn  Park  let  us  now  follow  the  Baronet,  and  see 
what  our  friend  Billy  is  about. 


CHAPTER    XLVI. 

THE   PRINGLE   CORRESPONDENCE. 


]\Ir.  Pringle'h  return  was  greeted  with  an  immense  shoal  oi 
l(>ttevs,  one  from  Mamma,  one  with  "  Yammerton  Grange  "  on  the 
seal,  two  from  his  tailors — one  with  the  following  simple  heading, 
*'  To  bill  delivered,"  so  much  ;  the  other  containing  a  vast 
catalogue  of  what  a  jury  of  tailors  would  consider  youthful 
"  necessaries,"  amounting  in  the  whole  to  a  pretty  round  sum, 
accompanied  by  an  intimation,  that  in  consequence  of  the  tight- 
ness of  the  money-market,  an  early  settlement  would  be  agreeable 
■ — and  a  very  important-looking  package,  that  had  required  a 
cou])le  of  h(\ids  to  convey,  and  which,  being  the  most  mysterious 
of  the  whole,  after  a  due  feeling  and  inspection,  he  at  length 
opened.  It  was  from  his  obsequious  friend  Mr.  Smoothley,  and 
contained  a  printed  copy  of  the  rules  of  the  Hit-im  and  Flold-im 
shire  Hunt,  done  up  in  a  little  red-backed  yellow-lined  book,  with 
a  note  from  the  sender,  drawing  Mr.  Pringle's  attention  to  the 
tenth  rule,  which  stipulated  that  the  annual  club  subscription  of 
tiiV'cn  guineas  was  to  be  paid  into  Greedy  and  Griper's  bank,  in 
llinton,  by  Christmas-day  in  each  year  at  latest,  or  ten  per  cent. 
interest  would  be  charged  on  the  amount  after  that. 

"  Fi-fi-fifteen  guineas  !  te-te-ten  per  cent.  ! "  ejaculated  Billy, 
gasping  for  breath  ;  "  who'd  ever  have  thought  of  such  a  thing  !  " 
and  it  was  some  seconds  before  he  sufficiently  recovered  his 
composure  to  resume  his  reading.  The  rent  of  the  cover  he  had 
taken,  Mr.  Smoothley  proceeded  to  say,  was  eight  guineas  a-year. 
"  Eight  guineas  a-year  !  "  again  ejaculated  Billy  ;  "  eight  guineas 
a-vear  !  why  I  thought  it  was  a  mere  matter  of  form.  Oh  dear, 
I  can't  stand  this  !  "  continued  he,  looking  vacantly  about  him. 
"  Surely,  risking  one's  neck  is  quite  bad  enough,  without  paying 
for  doing  so.  Lord  Ladythome  never  asked  me  for  any  money, 
why  should  Sir  Moses  ?  Oh  dear,  oh  dear  !  I  wish  I'd  never 
embarked  in  siicli  a  speculation.      Nothing  to  bo  made  by  it,  but 


ASK    MA  MM  1  309 

a  g:reat  deal  to  be  lost.  Bother  the  thing,  I  wish  I  was  out  of 
it,"  with  which  declaration  he  again  ventui'ed  to  look  at  Mr. 
Smoothley's  letter.  It  went  on  to  say,  that  the  rent  would  not 
become  payable  until  the  next  season,  Mr.  Treadcroft  being  liable 
for  that  year's  rent.  "  Ah  well,  come,  that's  some  consolation,  at 
all  events,"  observed  our  friend,  looking  up  again  ;  "  that's  some 
consolation,  at  all  events,"  adding,  "  I'll  take  dcnced  good  care  to 
give  it  up  before  another  year  comes  round." 

Smoothley  then  touched  upon  the  more  genial  subject  of  the 
hunt-buttons,  fle  had  desired  Garnet,  the  silversmith,  to  send  a 
couple  of  sets  off  the  last  die,  one  for  Billy's  hunting,  the  other 
for  his  dress  coat ;  and  he  concluded  by  wishing  our  friend  a  long 
life  of  health  and  happiness  to  wear  them  with  the  renowned 
Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  hunt ;  and  assuring  him  that  he  was 
always  his,  with  great  sincerity,  John  Smoothley.  "  Indeed," 
said  Billy,  throwiug  the  letter  down  ;  "  more  happiness  if  I  don't 
wear  them,"  continued  he,  conning  over  his  many  misfortunes, 
and  the  great  difficulty  he  had  in  sitting  at  the  jumps.  "  How- 
ever," thought  he,  "  the  dress  ones  will  do  for  the  balls,"  with 
which  not  uncommon  consolation  he  broke  the  red  seal  of  the 
Yammerton  Grange  letter. 

This  was  from  our  friend  the  IMajor,  all  about  a  wonderful  hunt 
his  "  haiyei's  "  had  had,  which  he  couldn't  resist  the  temptation  of 
writing  to  tell  Billy  of.  The  description  then  sprawled  over  four 
sides  of  letter  paper,  going  an  an-ant  burst  from  end  to  end,  there 
not  being  a  single  stop  in  the  whole,  whatever  there  might  have 
been  in  the  hunt ;  and  the  Major  concluded  by  saying,  that  it  was 
by  far  the  finest  run  he  had  ever  seen  during  his  long  mastership, 
extending  over  a  period  of  five-and-thirty  years. 

Glancing  his  eye  over  its  contents,  how  they  found  at  Conksbury 
Comer,  and  ran  at  a  racing  pace  without  a  check  to  Foremark 
Hill,  and  down  over  the  water-meadows  at  Dove-dale  Green  to 
Marbury  Hall,  turning  short  at  Fullbrook  Folly,  and  over  the 
race-course  at  Ancaster  Lawn,  doubling  at  Dinton  Dean,  and  back 
over  the  hill  past  Oakhanger  Gorse  to  Tufton  Holt,  where  they 
killed,  the  account  being  iuterwoven,  parenthesis  within  paren- 
thesis, with  the  brilliant  hits  and  performances  of  TiOvely,  and 
Lilter,  and  Dainty,  and  Bustler,  and  others,  with  the  nnmes  of  the 
distinguished  party  who  wei'e  out,  our  old  friend  Wotherspoon 
among  the  number,  Billy  came  at  last  to  a  sly  postscrij»t,  saying 
that  "  his  bed  and  stall  were  quite  ready  for  him  whenever  he 
liked  to  return,  and  they  would  all  be  delighted  to  see  him."  The 
wording  of  the  Postscript  had  taken  a  good  deal  of  consideration. 
and  had  nndorgone  two  or  three  levisions  at  the  hands  of  the 
ladies  before  they  gave  it  to  the  ^lajor  to  add — one  wanting  to 


310  ASK    MAMMA. 

make  it  rather  stronger,  another  rather  milder,  the  Major  thinking 
they  bad  better  have  a  little  notice  before  Mr.  Pringle  returned, 
while  Mamma  (who  had  now  got  all  the  linen  up  again)  inclined, 
though  she  did  not  say  so  before  the  girls,  to  treat  Billy  as  one  of 
the  family.  Upon  a  division  whether  the  word  "  quite  "  should 
stand  part  of  the  Postscript  or  not,  the  Major  was  left  in  a 
minority,  and  the  pressing  word  passed.  His  bed  and  stall  were 
"  quite  ready,"  instead  of  only  "  ready  "  to  receive  him.  Miss 
Yammerton  observing,  that  "  quite "  looked  as  if  they  really 
wished  to  have  him,  while  "  ready  "  looked  as  if  they  did  not  care 
whether  he  came  or  not.  And  Billy,  having  pondered  awhile  on 
the  Postscript,  which  he  thought  came  very  opportunely,  proceeded 
to  open  his  last  letter,  a  man  always  taking  those  he  doesn't  know 
first. 

This  letter  was  Mamma's — poor  Mamma's — written  in  the  usual 
strain  of  anxious  earnestness,  hoping  her  beloved  was  enjoying 
himself,  but  hinting  that  she  would  like  to  have  him  back. 
Butterfingers  was  gone,  she  had  got  her  a  place  in  Somersetshire, 
so  anxiety  on  that  score  was  over.  Mrs.  Pringle's  peculiar  means 
of  information,  however,  informed  her  that  the  Misses  Yammerton 
were  dangerous,  and  she  had  already  expressed  her  opinion  pretty 
freely  with  regard  to  Sir  Moses.  Indeed,  she  didn't  know  which 
house  she  would  soonest  hear  of  her  son  being  at — Sir  Moses's 
with  his  plausible  pocket-guarding  plundering,  or  Major  Yammer- 
ton's,  with  the  three  pair  of  enterprising  eyes,and  Mamma's  mature 
judgment  directing  the  siege  operations.  Mrs.  Pringle  wished  he 
was  either  back  at  Tantivy  Castle,  or  in  Curtain  Crescent  again. 

Still  she  did  not  like  to  be  too  pressing,  but  observed,  as 
Christmas  wns  coming,  when  hunting  would  most  likely  be 
stopped  by  tiie  weather,  she  hoped  he  would  run  up  to  town, 
where  many  of  his  friends,  Jack  Sheppard,  Tom  Brown,  Harry 
Bean,  and  others,  were  asking  for  him,  thinking  he  was  lost.  She 
also  said,  it  would  be  a  good  time  to  go  to  Uncle  Jerry's,  and  tiy 
to  get  a  settlement  with  him,  for  though  she  had  often  called, 
sometimes  by  appointment,  she  had  never  been  able  to  meet  with 
him,  as  ne  was  always  away,  either  seeing  after  some  chapel  he 
was  building,  or  attending  a  meeting  for  the  conversion  of  the 
Sepoys,  01  some  other  fanatics. 

The  letter  concluded  by  saying,  that  she  had  looked  about  in 
vain  lor  a  groom  likely  to  suit  him  ;  for,  although  plenty  had 
presented  themselves  from  gentlemen  wishing  for  bigli  wages  with 
nothing  to  do,  down  to  those  who  would  garden  and  groom  and 
look  after  cows,  she  had  not  seen  anything  at  all  to  her  mind. 
Mr.  Luke  Grueler,  however,  she  added,  who  had  called  that 
morning,  had  told  her  of  one  that  he  could  recommend,  who  was 


ASK    MAMMA.  311 

jnpt  leaving  the  Honounible  Captain  Swellington  ;  and  being  on 
his  way  to  town  from  Doubleimupshire,  where  the  Captain  had 
got  to  the  end  of  his  tether,  he  would  very  possibly  call  ;  and,  if 
80,  Billy  would  know  him  by  his  having  Mr.  Grueler's  card  to 
present.  And  with  renewed  expressions  of  affection,  and  urging 
Iiim  to  take  care  of  himself,  as  well  among  the  leaps  as  the  ladies, 
she  signed  herself  his  most  doting  and  loving  *'  Mamma." 

"  Groom  I  "  (humjyh)  "  Swellington  !  "  (humph)  muttered  Billy, 
folding  up  the  letter,  and  returning  it  to  its  highly-musked 
envelope.  "  Wonder  what  sort  of  a  beggar  he'll  be  ?  "  continued 
he,  twirling  his  mustachios ;  "Wonder  how  he'll  get  on  with 
Rougier  ?  "  and  a  thought  struck  him,  that  he  had  about  as  much 
as  he  could  manage  with  IMonsieur.  However,  many  people  have 
to  keep  what  they  don't  want,  and  there  is  no  reason  why  such  an 
aspiring  youth  as  our  friend  should  be  exempt  from  the  penance 
of  his  station.  Talking  of  grooms,  we  are  not  surprised  at 
*'  Mamma's  "  difficulty  in  choosing  one,  for  we  know  of  few  more 
difficult  selections  to  make  ;  and,  considering  the  innumerable 
books  we  have  on  the  choice  and  management  of  horses,  we 
wonder  no  one  has  written  on  the  choice  and  management  of 
grooms.  The  truth  is,  they  are  as  various  as  the  horse-tribe 
itself ;  and,  considering  that  the  best  horse  may  soon  be  made  a 
second-rate  one  by  bad  grooming,  while  a  second-rate  one  may  be 
elevated  to  the  first  class  by  good  management,  and  that  a  man's 
neck  may  be  broken  by  riding  a  horse  not  fit  to  go,  it  is  a  matter 
of  no  small  importance.  Some  men  can  dress  themselves,  some 
can  dress  their  horses  ;  but  very  few  can  dress  both  themselves 
and  their  horses.  Some  are  only  fit  to  strip  a  horse  and  starve 
him.  It  is  not  every  baggy-corded  fellow  that  rolls  slangily 
along  in  top-boots,  and  hisses  at  everything  he  touches,  that  is  a 
groom.  In  truth,  there  are  veiy  few  grooms,  very  few  men  who 
really  enter  into  the  feelings  and  constitutions  of  horses,  or  look  at 
them  otherwise  than  as  they  would  at  chairs  or  mahogany  tables. 
A  horse  that  will  be  perfectly  furious  under  the  dressing  of  one 
man,  will  be  as  quiet  as  possible  in  the  hands  of  anoth.p.r — -a  rough 
subject  thinking  the  more  a  horse  prances  and  winces,  the  greater 
the  reason  to  lay  on.  Some  fellows  have  neither  hands,  nor  eyes, 
nor  sense,  nor  feeling,  nor  anything.  We  have  seen  one  ride  a 
horse  to  cover  without  ever  feeling  that  he  was  lame,  while  a 
master's  eye  detected  it  the  moment  he  came  in  sight.  Indeed,  if 
horses  could  express  their  opinions,  we  fear  many  of  them  would 
have  very  indifi'erent  ones  of  tlieir  attendants.  The  greater  the 
reason,  therefore,  for  masters  giving  honest  characters  of  their 
Bcrvants. 

Our  friend  Mr.  Pringle,  having  read  his  letters,  was  swiuging 


312  ASK    MA^fMA. 

np  and  down  the  little  library,  digesting  them,  when  the  great 
Mr.  Bankhead  bowed  in  with  a  card  on  a  silver  salver,  and 
announced,  in  his  usual  bland  way,  thai  the  bearer  wished  to 
speak  to  him. 

"Me  !  "  exclaimed  Billy,  wondering  who  it  could  be  ;  "  Me  !" 
repeated  he,  taking  the  highly-glazed  thin  pasteboard  missive  off 
the  tray,  and  reading,  "  Mr.  Luke  Grueler,  Half-Moon  Street, 
Piccadilly." 

*'  Grueler,  Grueler  ! "  repeated  Billy,  frowning  and  biting  hia 
pretty  lips  ;  "  Grueler — I've  surely  heard  that  name  before." 

"The  bearer,  sir,  comes /row  Mr.  Grueler,  sir,"  observed  Mr. 
Bankhead,  in  explanation  :  "  the  party's  own  name,  sir,  is  Gaiters  ; 
but  he  said  by  bringing  in  tliis  card,  you  would  probably  kntnv 
who  he  is." 

"Ah  !  to  be  sure,  so  I  do,"  replied  Billy,  thus  suddenly  en- 
lightened, "  I've  just  been  reading  about  him.  Send  him  in,  will 
you  ?  " 

"If  you  please,  sir,"  whispered  the  bowing  Bankhead  as  he 
ivithdrew. 

Billy  then  braced  himself  up  for  the  coming  interview. 

A  true  groom's  knock,  a  loud  and  a  little  one,  presently  sounded 
on  the  white-over- black  painted  door-panel,  and  at  our  friend's 
"  Come  in,"  the  door  opened,  when  in  sidled  a  sleek-headed  well 
put  on  groomish-looking  man,  of  apparently  forty  or  five-and- 
forty  years  of  age.  The  man  bowed  respectfully,  which  Billy 
returned,  glancing  at  his  legs  to  see  whether  they  were  knock- 
kneed  or  bowed,  his  Mamma  having  cautioned  him  against  the 
former.  They  were  neither  ;  on  the  contrary,  straight  good  legs, 
well  set  off  with  tightish,  drab-coloured  kerseymere  shorts,  and 
continuations  to  match.  His  coat  was  an  olive-coloured  cutaway, 
his  vest  a  canary-coloured  striped  toilanette,  with  a  slightly 
turned-down  collar,  showing  the  whiteness  of  his  well-tied  cravat, 
secured  with  a  gold  flying-1'ox  pin.  Altogether  he  was  a  most 
respectable  looking  man,  and  did  credit  to  the  recommendation  of 
Mr.  Grueler. 

Still  he  was  a  groom  of  pretension — that  is  to  say,  a  groom  who 
wanted  to  be  master.  He  was  hardly,  indeed,  satisfied  with  that, 
and  would  turn  a  gentleman  off  who  ventured  to  have  an  opinion 
of  his  own  on  any  matter  connected  with  his  department.  Mr. 
Gaiters  considered  that  his  character  was  the  first  consideration, 
his  master's  wishes  and  inclinations  the  second  ;  so  if  master 
wanted  to  ride,  say,  Rob  Roy,  and  Gaiters  meant  him  to  ride 
Moonshine,  there  would  be  a  trial  of  skill  which  it  should  be. 

Mr.  Gaiters  always  considered  himself  corporally  in  the  field, 
and  speculated  on  what  people  would  be  saying  of  "his  horses." 


ASK    MAMMA.  31S 

Some  men  like  to  be  bullied,  some  duu'L,  but  Gaiters  had 
dropped  on  a  good  many  who  did.  Still  these  are  not  the  lasting 
order  of  men,  and  Gaiters  had  attended  the  dispersion  of  a  good 
many  studs  at  the  Corner.  Agaiu,  some  mastei's  had  turned  him 
off,  while  he  had  turned  others  off ;  and  the  reason  of  his  now 
being  disengaged  was  that  the  Sheriff  of  Doubleimupshire  had 
saved  him  the  trouble  of  taking  Captain  Swellington's  horses  to 
Tattersall's,  by  selling  them  off  on  the  spot.  Under  these  cir- 
cumstances. Gaiters  had  written  to  his  once  former  master — or 
rather  employer — Mr.  Grueler,  to  announce  his  retirement,  which 
had  led  to  the  present  introduction.  j\Iany  people  will  recommend 
servants  who  they  wouldn't  take  themselves.  Few  newly  married 
couples  but  what  have  found  themselves  saddled  with  invtiluable 
servants  that  others  wanted  to  get  rid  of. 

Mutual  salutations  over,  Gaiters  now  stood  in  the  first  position^ 
hat  in  front,  like  a  heavy  father  on  the  stage. 

Our  friend  not  seeming  inclined  to  lead  the  gallop,  I^I';.  Gaiters, 
after  a  prefatory  hem,  thus  commenced  :  "  Mr.  Grueler,  sir,  1 
presume,  would  tell  you,  s^r,  that  I  would  call  upon  you,  sir  ?  " 

Billy  nodded  assent. 

"  I'm  just  leaving  the  Honourable  Captain  Swellington,  of  the 
Royal  Hyacinth  Hussars,  sir,  whose  regiment  is  ordered  out  to 
India  ;  and  fearing  the  climate  might  not  agree  with  my  constitu- 
tion, I  have  been  obliged  to  give  him  up." 

"Ah!"  ejaculated  Billy. 

"  I  have  his  testimonials,"  continued  Gaiters,  putting  his  hat 
between  his  legs,  and  diving  into  the  inside  pocket  of  his  cutaway 
as  he  spoke.  "  I  have  his  testimonials,"  repeated  he,  producing  a 
black,  steel-clasped  banker  or  bill-brokei-'s  looking  pocket-book, 
and  tedding  up  a  lot  of  characters,  bills,  recipes,  and  other  docu- 
ments in  the  pocket.  He  then  selected  Captain  Swellington's 
character  from  the  medley,  written  on  the  best  double-thick, 
ci'cam-laid  note-paper,  sealed  with  the  Captain's  crest — a  goose — 
saying  that  the  bearer  John  Gaiters  was  an  excellent  groom,  and 
might  safely  be  trusted  with  the  management  of  hunters.  "  You'll 
probably  know  who  the  Captain  is,  sir,"  continued  ]\Ir.  Gaiters, 
eyeing  Billy  as  he  read  it.  "He's  a  son  of  the  Right  Honourable 
Lord  Viscount  Flareup's,  of  Flareup  Castle,  one  of  the  oldest  and 
best  families  in  the  kingdom — few  better  families  anywhere,"  just 
as  if  the  Peer's  pedigree  had  anything  to  do  with  Gaitors's  groom- 
ing. "  I  have  plenty  more  similar  to  it,"  continued  Mr.  Gaiters, 
who  had  now  selected  a  few  out  of  the  number  which  he  hold 
before  him,  like  a  hand  at  cards.  "  Plenty  more  similar  to  it," 
repeated  he,  looking  them  over.  "  Here  is  Sir  nufus  Rasper's, 
Sir  Peter  Puller's,   Lord  Thruster's,   'Sir.   Cropper' s,  and  others. 


314  ASK    MAMMA, 

Few  men  have  horsed  more  sportsmen  than  I  have  done  ;  and  if 
my  principals  do  not  go  in  the  first  flight,  it  is  not  for  want  ol 
condition  in  my  horses.  Mr.  Grueler  was  the  only  one  I  ever  had 
to  give  up  for  overmarking  my  horses  ;  and  he  was  so  hard  upon 
them  I  couldn't  stand  it ;  still  he  speaks  of  me,  as  you  see,  in  the 
handsomest  manner,"  handing  our  friend  Mr.  Grueler's  certificate, 
couched  in  much  the  same  terms  as  Captain  Swelling  ton's. 

"  Yarse,"  replied  Billy,  glancing  over  and  then  returning  it, 
thinking,  as  he  again  eyed  Mr.  Gaiters,  that  a  smart  lad  like  Lord 
Ladythorne's  Cupid  without  wings  would  be  more  in  his  way  than 
such  a  full-sized  magnificent  man.  Still  his  Mamma  and  Mr. 
Grueler  had  sent  Gaiters,  and  he  supposed  they  knew  what  was 
right.  In  truth.  Gaiters  was  one  of  those  overpowering  people 
that  make  a  master  feel  as  if  he  was  getting  hired,  instead  of 
suiting  himself  with  a  servant. 

This  preliminary  investigation  over.  Gaiters  returned  the 
characters  to  his  ample  book,  and  clasping  it  together,  dropped  it 
into  his  capacious  pocket,  observing,  as  it  fell,  that  he  should  be 
glad  to  endeavour  to  arrange  matters  with  IMr.  Pringle,  if  he  was 
BO  inclined. 

Our  friend  nodded,  wishing  he  was  well  rid  of  him. 

"  It's  not  every  place  I  would  accept,"  continued  Mr.  Gaiters, 
growing  grand  ;  "  for  the  fact  is,  as  Mr.  Grueler  will  tell  you,  ray 
character  is  as  good  as  a  Bank  of  England  note  ;  and  unless  I  was 
sure  I  could  do  myself  justice,  I  should  not  like  to  venture  on  an 
experiment,  for  it's  no  use  a  man  undertaking  anything  that  he's 
not  allowed  to  carry  out  his  own  way  ;  and  nothing  would  be  so 
painful  to  my  feelings  as  to  see  a  gentleman  not  turned  out  as  he 
should  be." 

Mr.  Pringle  drawled  a  "  yarse,"  for  he  wanted  to  be  turned  out 
properly. 

"Well,  then,"  continued  Mr.  Gaiters,  changing  his  hat  from  his 
right  hand  to  his  left,  subsiding  into  the  second  position,  and 
speaking  slowly  and  deliberately,  "  I  suppose  you  want  a  groom  to 
take  the  entire  charge  and  management  of  your  stable — a  stud 
groom,  in  short  ? " 

"Yarse,  I  s'pose  so,"  replied  Billy,  not  knowing  exactly  what 
he  wanted,  and  wishing  his  Mamma  hadn't  sent  him  such  a  swell. 

"  "Well,  then,  sir,"  continued  Mr.  Gaiters,  casting  his  eyes  up  to 
the  dirty  ceiling,  and  giving  his  chin  a  dry  shave  with  his  dis- 
engaged hand  ;  "  Well,  then,  sir,  I  flatter  myself  I  can  fulfil  tliat 
sffice  with  credit  to  myself  and  satisfaction  to  my  employer." 

"Yarse,"  assented  Billy,  thinking  there  would  be  very  little 
satisfaction  in  the  matter. 

"  Buy  the  forage,  hire  the  helpers,  do  everythins:  appertaining 


ASK    MAMMA.  316 

to  the  department, — in  fact,  just  as  I  did  with  the  Honourable 
Captain  Swellington." 

"  Humph,"  said  Billy,  recollecting  that  his  Mamma  always  told 
him  never  to  let  servants  buy  anything  for  him  that  he  could 
help. 

"  Might  I  ask  if  you  buy  your  own  horses  ?  "  inquired  Mr. 
Gaiters,  after  a  pause. 

"  Why,  yarse,  I  do,"  replied  Billy  ;  "  at  least  I  have  so  far." 

"Hum!  That  would  be  a  consideration,"  muttered  Gaiters, 
compressing  his  mouth,  as  if  he  had  now  come  to  an  obstacle  ; 
"  that  would  be  a  consideration.  Not  that  there's  any  benefit  or 
advantage  to  be  derived  from  buying  horses,"  continued  he, 
resuming  his  former  tone  ;  "  but  when  a  man's  character's  at 
stake,  it's  agreeable,  desirable,  in  fact,  that  he  should  be  intrusted 
with  the  means  of  supporting  it.  I  should  like  to  buy  the 
horses,"  continued  he,  looking  earnestly  at  Billy,  as  if  to  ascertain 
the  amount  of  his  gullibility. 

"Well,"  drawled  Billy,  "I  don't  care  if  you  do,"  thinking  there 
wouldn't  be  many  to  buy. 

"  Oh  I "  gasped  Gaiters,  relieved  by  the  announcement ;  he 
always  thought  he  had  lost  young  Mr.  Easyman's  place  by  a 
similar  demand,  but  still  he  couldn't  help  making  it.  It  wouldn't 
have  been  doing  justice  to  the  Bank  of  England  note  character, 
indeed,  if  he  hadn't. 

"  Oh  !  "  repeated  he,  emboldened  by  success,  and  thinking  he 
had  met  with  the  right  sort  of  man.  He  then  proceeded  to  sum 
up  his  case  in  his  mind, — forage,  helpers,  horses,  horses,  helpers, 
forage  ; — he  thought  that  was  all  he  required  ;  yes,  he  thought 
it  was  all  he  required,  and  the  Bank  of  England  note  character 
would  be  properly  supported.  He  then  came  to  the  culminating 
point  of  the  cash.  Just  as  he  was  clearing  his  throat  with  a  prefa- 
tory "//<??«"  for  this  grand  consideration,  a  sudden  rush  and  bang- 
ing of  doors  forboding  mischief  resounded  through  the  house, 
and  something  occurred that  we  will  tell  in  another  chapter. 


CHAPTER    XLVII. 

A    CATASTROPHK. — A    TKTK-A-TKTE     DINXKTl. 

"  Oh,  Sir,  Sir,  please  step  this  way  !  please  step  this  way  !  " 
exclaimed  the  delirivm  fremnis  footman,  rushing  coatless  into  the 
room  where  our  hero  and   Mr.  Gaiters  were, — his  shirt-sleeves 

z  L' 


316  ASK    MAMMA. 

tucked  up,  and  a  knife  in  hand,  as  if  he  had  been  kilh'ng  a  pig, 
though  in  reality  he  was  fresh  from  the  knife-board. 

"  Oh,  Sir,  Sir,  please  step  this  way ! "  repeated  he,  at  ouce 
demolishing  the  delicate  discussion  at  which  our  friend  and  Mr. 
Gaiters  had  arrived. 

"  "What's  ha-ha-happened  ?  "  demanded  Billy,  turning  deadly 
pale  ;  for  his  cares  were  so  few,  that  he  couldn't  direct  his  fears 
to  any  one  point  in  particular. 

"Please,  sir,  your  'oss  has  dropped  down  in  a  f-f-fit !  "  replied 
the  man,  all  in  a  tremble. 

"  Fit !  "  ejaculated  Billy,  brushing  past  Gaiters,  and  hurrying 
out  of  the  room. 

"  Fit !  "  repeated  Gaiters,  tm'ning  rouud  with  comfortable 
composure,  looking  at  the  man  as  much  as  to  say,  what  do  you 
know  about  it  ? 

"Yes,  f-f-fit!"  repeated  the  footman,  brandishing  his  knife, 
and  running  after  Billy  as  though  he  were  going  to  slay  him. 

Dashing  along  the  dark  passages,  breaking  his  shins  over  one 
of  those  unlucky  coal-scuttles  that  are  always  in  the  way,  Billy 
fell  into  an  outward-bound  stream  of  humanity, — Mrs.  Margerum, 
Barbara  the  housemaid,  Mary  the  Laundrymaid,  Jones  the  gar- 
dener's boy,  and  others,  all  huiTying  to  the  scene  of  action. 

Already  there  was  a  ring  formed  round  the  door,  of  bare-armed 
helpers,  and  miscellaneous  hangers-on,  looking  over  each  other's 
shoulders,  who  opened  a  way  for  Billy  as  he  advanced. 

The  horse  was  indeed  down,  but  not  in  a  fit;  for  he  was  dying, 
and  expired  just  as  Billy  entered.  There  lay  the  glazy-eyed 
hundred-guinea  Napoleon  the  Great,  showing  bis  teeth,  reduced 
to  the  mere  value  of  his  skin  ;  so  great  is  the  difference  between  a 
dead  horse  and  a  live  one. 

"  Bad  job  !  "  said  Wetun,  who  was  on  his  knees  at  its  head, 
looking  up  ;  "  bad  j(?b  !"  repeated  he,  trying  to  look  dis?mal. 

"What!  is  he  dead?"  demanded  Billy,  who  could  hardly  realise 
the  fact. 

"Dead,  ay — he'll  never  move  more,"  replied  Wctun,  showing 
his  fast-stiff'ening  neck. 

"By  Jove  !  why  didn't  you  send  for  the  doctor  ?  "  demanded 
Uilly. 

"'Doctor  !  we  had  the  doctor,"  replied  Wetun,  "but  he  could 
do  nothin'  for  him." 

"  Nothin'  for  him  !  "  retorted  Billy  ;  "  why  not  ?  " 

"  Because  he's  rotten,"  replied  AVetmi. 

"  Rotten  !  how  can  that  be  ?  "  asked  our  friend,  adding,  "  I 
unl)'  bought  him  the  other  day  !  " 

"  If  you  open  'im  you'll  tind  he's  as  black  as  ink  in  his  inside, 


ASK    MAMMA.  317 

rejoined  the  groom,  now  getting  np  in  the  stall  and  rnl)bing  his 
knees. 

"  Well,  but  what's  that  with?"  demanded  Billy.  "It  surely 
must  be  owing  to  something.  Horses  don't  die  that  way  for 
nothing." 

"  Owing  to  a  bad  constitution — harn't  got  no  stamina,"  replied 
Wetun,  looking  down  upon  the  dead  animal. 

Billy  was  posed  with  the  answer,  and  stood  mute  for  a  while. 

"That  'oss  'as  never  been  rightly  well  sin  he  com'd,"  now 
observed  Joe  Bates,  the  helper  who  looked  after  him,  over  the 
heads  of  the  door-circle. 

"  I  didn't  like  his  looks  when  he  com'd  in  from  'unting  that 
day,"  continued  Tom  Wisp,  another  helpei-. 

"  No,  nor  the  day  arter  nouther,"  assented  Jack  Strong,  who 
was  a  capital  hand  at  finding  fault,  and  could  slur  over  his  work 
with  anybody. 

Just  then  Mr.  Gaiters  arri\ed  ;  and  a  deferential  entrance  was 
opened  for  his  broadcloth  by  the  group  before  the  door. 

The  great  Mr.  Gaiters  entered. 

Treating  the  dirty  blear-eyed  Wetun  more  as  a  helper  than  an 
equal,  he  advanced  deliberately  up  the  stall  and  proceeded  to  ex- 
amine the  dead  horse. 

He  looked  first  up  his  nostrils,  next  at  his  eye,  then  at  his  neck 
to  see  if  he  had  been  bled. 

"I  could  have  cured  that  horse  if  I'd  had  him  in  time,"  observed 
he  to  Billy  with  a  shake  of  the  head. 

"Neither  you  nor  no  man  under  the  sun  could  ha' done  it," 
asserted  Mr.  Wetun,  indignant  at  the  imputation. 

"  I  could  though — at  least  he  never  should  have  been  in  that 
state,"  replied  Gaiters  coolly. 

"  I  say  you  couldn't ! "  retorted  Wetun,  putting  his  arms 
a-kimbo,  and  sideling  up  to  the  daring  intruder,  a  man  who  hadn't 
even  asked  leave  to  come  into  his  stable. 

A  storm  being  imminent,  our  friend  slipped  otf,  and  .Sir  ]\Ioses 
arrived  from  Hciu'rey  l>i"own  &  Oo.'s  just  at  the  nick  of  time  to 
]>revent  a  tight. 

So  much  for  a  single  night  in  a  bad  stable,  a  result  that  our 
readers  will  do  well  to  remember  when  they  ask  their  friends  to 
visit  them — "  Lovl-  me,  love  my  horse,"  being  an  iuhige  more 
attended  to  in  I'ormer  times  than  it  is  now. 

"Ah,  my  dear  Fringle!  I'm  so  sorry  to  hear  about  your  horse ! 
10  sorry  to  hear  about  your  horse  I  "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  rushing 
forward  to  greet  our  friend  with  a  consolatory  shake  of  the  hand, 
as  he  came  sauntering  into  the  lilirary,  flat  candlesi  ick  in  Iiaml, 
before  dinner.     "  It's  just  the  most  unfortunate  thing  1  ever  knew 


318  ASK    MAMMA. 

in  my  life  ;  and  I  wouldn'i  have  had  it  happen  at  my  house  for 
all  the  money  in  the  world — dom'd  if  I  would,"  added  he,  with  a 
downward  blow  of  his  fist. 

Billy  could  only  reply  with  one  of  his  usual  monotonous 
"  y-a-r-ses." 

"  However,"  said  the  Baronet,  "  it  shall  not  prevent  your  hunt- 
ing to-morrow,  for  I'll  mount  you  with  all  the  pleasure  in  the 
world — all  the  pleasure  in  the  world,"  repeated  he,  with  a  flourish 
of  his  hand. 

"  Thank  ye,"  replied  Billy,  alarmed  at  the  prospect  ;  "  but  the 
fact  is,  the  Major  expects  me  back  at  Yammerton  Grange, 
and " 

"  That's  nothin  !  "  interrupted  Sir  Moses  ;  "  that's  nothin  ; 
hunt,  and  go  there  after — all  in  the  day's  work.  Meet  at  the 
kennel,  find  a  fox  in  five  minutes,  have  your  spin,  and  go  to  the 
Grange  afterwards." 

"  0,  indeed,  yes,  you  shall,"  continued  he,  settling  it  so,  "  shall 
have  the  best  horse  in  my  stable — Pegasus,  or  Atalanta,  or  Old 
Jack,  or  any  of  them — dom'd  if  you  shalln't — so  that  matter's 
settled." 

"  But,  but,  but,"  hesitated  our  alarmed  friend,  "  I — I — I  shall 
have  no  way  of  getting  there  after  hunting." 

**  0,  I'll  manage  that  too,"  replied  Sir  Moses,  now  in  the 
generous  mood.  "  I'll  manage  that  too — shall  have  the  dog-cart 
— the  thing  we  were  in  to-day  ;  my  lad  shall  go  with  you  and 
bring  it  back,  and  that'll  convey  you  and  your  traps  and  all 
altogether.  Only  sorry  I  can't  ask  you  to  stay  another  week,  but 
the  fact  is  I've  got  to  go  to  my  friend  Lord  Lundyfoote's  for 
Monday's  hunting  at  Harker  Crag," — the  fact  being  that  Sir 
Moses  had  had  enough  of  Billy's  company  and  had  invited  himself 
there  to  get  rid  of  him. 

The  noiseless  Mr.  Bankhead  then  opened  the  door  with  a  bow, 
and  they  proceeded  to  a  fefe-d-tete  dinner.  Cuddy  Flintoff  having 
wisely  sent  for  his  things  from  Heslop's  house,  and  taken  his 
departure  to  town  under  pretence,  as  he  told  Sir  Moses  in  a  note, 
of  seeing  Tommy  White's  horses  sold. 

Cuddy  was  one  of  that  numerous  breed  of  whom  every  sports- 
man knows  at  least  one — namely,  a  man  who  is  always  wanting  a 
horse,  a  "  do  you  know  of  a  horse  that  will  suit  me  ?  "  sort  of  a 
man.  Charley  Flight,  who  always  walks  the  streets  like  a  lamp- 
lighter and  doesn't  like  to  be  checked  in  his  stride,  whenever  he 
sees  Cuddy  crawling  along  Piccadilly  towards  the  Corner,  puts  on 
extra  steam,  exclaiming  as  he  nears  him,  "  How  are  you,  Cuddy, 
how  are  you  ?  I  cZo?i'7  know  of  a  horee  that  will  suit  you  I  "  So 
be  gets  past  without  a  pull-up. 


ASK    MAMMA.  319 

But  we  arc  keeping  the  soup  waiting — also  the  fish — cod  sounds 
rather — for  !Mrs.  Margerura  not  calculating  on  more  than  the 
usual  three  days  of  country  hospitality, — tlie  rest  day,  the  drest 
day,  and  the  pressed  day, — had  run  out  of  fresh  fish.  Indeed  the 
whole  repast  bespoke  the  exhausted  larder  peculiar  to  the  end  of 
the  week,  and  an  adept  in  dishes  might  have  detected  some  old 
friends  with  new  faces.  Some  rechauffers  however  are  quite  as 
good  if  not  better  than  the  original  dishes — hashed  venison  for 
instance — though  in  this  case,  when  Sir  Moses  inquired  for  the 
remains  of  the  Sunday's  haunch,  he  was  told  that  Monsieur  had 
had  it  for  his  lunch — Jack  being  a  safe  bird  to  lay  it  upon,  seeing 
that  he  had  not  returned  from  the  race.  If  Jack  had  been  in  the 
way  then,  the  cat  would  most  likely  have  been  the  culprit,  or  old 
Libertine,  who  had  the  run  of  the  house. 

Neither  the  Baronet  nor  Billy  however  was  in  any  great 
humour  for  eating,  each  having  cares  of  magnitude  to  oppress  his 
thoughts,  and  it  was  not  until  Sir  Moses  had  imbibed  the  best 
part  of  a  pint  of  champagne  besides  sherry  at  intervals,  that  he 
seemed  at  all  like  himself.  So  he  picked  and  nibbled  and  dom'd 
and  dirted  as  many  plates  as  he  could.  Dinner  being  at  length 
over,  he  ordered  a  bottle  of  the  green-sealed  claret  (his  best),  and 
drawing  his  chair  to  the  fire  proceeded  to  crack  walnuts  and  pelt 
the  shells  at  particular  coals  in  the  fire  with  a  vehemence  that 
showed  the  occupation  of  his  mind.  An  observing  eye  could 
almost  tell  which  were  levelled  at  Henerey  Brown,  which  at 
Cuddy  FHntofF,  and  which  again  at  the  impudent  owner  of  Tippy 
Tom. 

At  length,  having  exhausted  his  spleen,  he  made  a  desperate 
dash  at  the  claret-jug,  and  pouring  himself  out  a  bumper,  pushed 
it  across  to  our  friend,  with  a  "  help  yourself,"  as  he  sent  it.  The 
ticket-of-leave  butler,  who  understood  wine,  had  not  lost  his  skill 
during  his  long  residence  at  Portsmouth,  and  brought  this  in  with 
the  bouquet  in  great  perfection.  The  wine  was  just  as  it  should 
be,  neither  too  warm  nor  too  cold  ;  and  as  Sir  Moses  quailed  a 
second  glass,  his  equanimity  began  to  revive. 

When  not  thinking  about  money,  his  thoughts  generally  took  a 
sporting  turn. 

Horses  and  hounds,  :uul  tlie  system  of  kennel, 
Leicestershire  nags,  and  the  hounds  of  old  ]\I(\vnelI, 

as  the  song  says  ;    and  the  loss  of  Billy's  horse  now  obtruded  on 
his  mind. 

"  He  was  so  sorry  about  that  poor  horse, — he  couldn't  help 
thinking  al)ont  it, — doin'd  if  het-ould;"  and  as  he  said  it,  he 
took  another  bumper  of  claret,  as  if  to  console  hiiiisrlf. 


320  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  How  the  deuce  it  had  happened  he  couldn't  imagine  ;  hii 
man,  Wetun, — and  there  was  no  better  judge — said  he  seemed 
perfectly  well,  and  a  better  stable  couldn't  be  than  the  one  he  was 
in  ;  indeed  he  was  standing  alongside  of  his  own  favourite  mare. 
Whimpering  Kate, — 'faith,  he  wished  he  had  told  them  to  take 
her  out,  in  case  it  was  anything  infectious, — only  it  looked  more 
like  internal  disease  than  anything  else. — Wished  he  mightn't  be 

rotten.     The  Major  was  an  excellent  man, — cute, "  and  here 

he  checked  himself,  recollecting  that  Billy  was  going  back  there 
on  the  morrow.  "  A  young  man,"  continued  he,  "  should  be 
careful  who  he  dealt  with,  for  many  what  were  called  highly 
honourable  men  were  very  unscrupulous  about  horses  ;  "  and  a 
sudden  thought  struck  Sir  Moses,  which,  with  the  aid  of  another 
bottle,  he  thought  he  might  try  to  carry  out.  So  apportioning 
the  remains  of  the  jug  equitably  between  Billy  and  himself,  he 
drew  the  bell,  and  desired  the  ticket-of-leave  butler  to  bring  in 
another  bottle  and  a  devilled  biscuit. 

"That  wine  won't  hurt  you,"  continued  he,  addressing  our 
friend,  *'  that  wine  won't  hurt  you,  it's  not  the  nasty  loaded  stuff 
they  manufacture  for  the  English  market,  but  pure,  unadulterated 
juice  of  the  grape,  without  a  headache  in  a  gallon  of  it ;"  so  saying, 
Sir  Moses  quailed  off  his  glass  and  set  it  down  with  evident  satis- 
faction, feeling  almost  a  match  for  the  owner  of  Tippy  Tom.  He 
then  moved  his  chair  a  little  on  one  side,  and  resumed  his  con- 
templation of  the  fire, — the  blue  lights  rising  among  the  red, — 
the  gas  escaping  from  the  coal, — the  clear  flame  flickering  with 
the  draught.  He  tliought  he  saw  his  way, — yes,  he  thought  he 
saw  his  way,  and  foithwith  prevented  any  one  pirating  his  ideas, 
by  stirring  the  fire.  Mr.  Bankhead  then  entered  with  the  bottle 
and  the  biscuit,  and,  placing  them  on  the  table,  withdrew. 

"  Come,  Pringle ! "  cried  Sir  Moses  cheerfully,  seizing  the 
massive  cut-glass  decanter,  "let's  drink  the  healths  of  the  young 

ladies  at ,  yon  know  where,"  looking  knowingly  at  our  friend, 

who  blushed.  "  We'll  have  a  bumper  to  that,"  continued  he, 
pouring  himself  out  one,  and  passing  the  bottle  to  Billy. 

"  The  young  ladies  at  Yammerton  Grange  ! "  continued  Sir 
Moses,  holding  the  glass  to  the  now  sparkling  fire  before  he  trans- 
ferred its  bright  ruby-coloured  contents  to  his  thick  lips.  He  then 
quaffed  it  oft"  with  a  smack. 

"  The  young  ladies  at  Yammerton  Grange ! "  faltered  Billy,  after 
filling  himself  a  bumper. 

"  Nice  girls  those,  dom'd  if  they're  not,"  observed  the  Baronet, 
now  breaking  tlie  devilled  biscuit.  "You  must  take  care  what 
you're  about  there,  though,  for  the  old  lady  doesn't  stand  any 
nonsense  ;  the  Major  neither." 


ASK    MAMMA.  321 


Billy  said  he  wasn't  goincf  to  try  any  on 


No— Init  they'll  try  it  on  with  yon,"  retorted  Sir  Moses ; 
■'  mark  my  words  if  they  don't," 

"  0,  but  I'm  only  there  for  hunting,"  ob.served  Billy,  timidly. 

"  I  dare  say,"  replied  Sir  Moses,  with  a  jerk  of  his  head,  "I 
dare  say, — but  it's  very  agreeable  to  talk  to  a  pretty  girl  when  you 
come  in,  and  those  are  devilish  pretty  girls,  let  me  tell  you, — 
dom'd  if  they're  not, — only  one  talk  leads  to  another  talk,  and 
ultimately  Mamma  talks  about  a  small  gold  ring." 

Billy  was  frightened,  for  he  felt  the  truth  of  what  Sir  Moses 
said.  They  then  sat  for  some  minutes  in  silence,  ruminating  on 
their  own  affairs, — Billy  thinking  he  would  be  careful  of  the  girls, 
and  wondering  how  he  could  escape  Sir  Moses's  offer  of  a  bump  on 
the  morrow, — Sir  Moses  thinking  he  would  advance  that  perform- 
ance a  step.     He  now  led  the  way. 

"  You'll  be  wanting  a  horse  to  go  with  the  Major's  harriers," 
observed  he  ;  "  and  I've  got  the  very  animal  for  that  sort  of 
work  ;  that  grey  horse  of  mine,  the  Lord  Mayor,  in  the  five- 
stalled  stable  on  the  right ;  the  safest,  steadiest  animal  ever  man 
got  on  to  ;  and  I'll  make  you  a  present  of  him,  dom'd  if  I  won't  ; 
for  I'm  more  hurt  at  the  loss  of  yours  than  words  can  express  ; 
wouldn't  have  had  such  a  thing  happen  at  my  house  on  any 
account  ;  so  that's  a  bargain,  and  will  make  all  square  ;  for  the 
grey's  an  undeniable  good  'un — worth  half-a-dozen  of  the  Major's 
— and  will  do  you  some  credit,  for  a  young  man  on  his  prefer- 
ment should  always  study  appearances,  and  ride  handsome  horses  ; 
and  the  grey  is  one  of  the  handsomest  I  ever  saw.  Lord  Tootle- 
ton,  up  in  Neck-and-crop-shire,  who  I  got  him  of,  gave  three 
'under'd  for  him  at  the  hammer,  solely,  I  believe,  on  account  of 
his  looks,  for  he  had  never  seen  him  out  except  in  the  ring,  which 
is  all  my  eye,  for  telling  you  whether  a  horse  is  a  hunter  or  not  ; 
but,  however,  he  is  a  hunter,  and  no  mistake,  and  you  are  most 
heartily  welcome  to  him,  dom'd  if  you're  not  ;  and  I'm  deuced 
glad  that  it  occurred  to  me  to  give  him  you,  for  I  shall  now 
sleep  quite  comfortable  ;  so  help  yourself,  and  we'll  drink  Fo\- 
hunting,"  saying  wdiich,  Sir  Moses,  who  had  had  about  enough 
wine,  filled  on  a  liberal  heel-tap,  and  again  passed  the  bottle  to 
his  guest. 

Now  Billy,  who  had  conned  over  the  matter  in  his  bedroom 
before  dinner,  had  come  to  the  conclusion  that  he  liad  had  about 
hunting  enough,  and  that  the  loss  of  Napoleon  the  Great  atlbrded 
a  favourable  opportunity  for  retiring  from  the  chase  ;  indeed,  he 
had  got  rid  of  the  overpowering  j\Ir.  Gaiters  on  that  plen,  and  he 
was  not  disposed  to  be  cajoled  into  a  contiiuianco  of  the  penance 
bv  the  gift  of  a  horse  ;  so  as  soon  ns  ho  roiild  trot  a  word  in  side- 


322  ASK    MAMMA. 

ways,  he  began  hammering  away  at  an  excuse,  thanking  Sir  Moses 
most  energetically  for  his  hberality,  but  expressing  his  inability  to 
accept  such  a  magnificent  offer. 

Sir  Moses,  however,  who  did  not  believe  in  any  one  refusing  a 
gift,  adhered  pertinaciously  to  his  promise, — "  Oh,  indeed,  he 
should  have  him,  he  wouldn't  be  easy  if  he  didn't  take  him,"  and 
ringing  the  bell  he  desired  the  footman  to  tell  Wetun  to  see  if 
Mr.  Pringle's  saddle  would  fit  the  Lord  Mayor,  and  if  it  didn't,  to 
lot  our  friend  have  one  of  his  in  the  morning,  and  "  here  !  "  added 
he,  as  the  man  was  retiring,  "bring  in  tea." — And  Sir  Moses 
being  peremptory  in  his  presents,  Billy  was  compelled  to  remain 
under  pressure  of  the  horse. — So  after  a  copious  libation  of  tea  the 
couple  hugged  and  separated  for  the  night.  Sir  Moses  exclaiming 
"  Breakfast  at  nine,  mind  ! "  as  Billy  sauntered  up  stairs,  while 
the  Baronet  ran  off  to  his  study  to  calculate  what  Henerey  Brown 
&  Co.  had  done  him  out  of. 


CHAPTER    XLVIIJ. 

uuugier's  mysterious  lodgi>;gs — the  gift  HOnSE. 

Mr.  Gallon's  liberality  after  the  race  with  Mr.  Flintoff  was  so 
great  that  Monsieur  Rougier  was  quite  overcome  with  his  kindness 
and  had  to  be  put  to  bed  at  the  last  public-house  they  stopped  at, 
viz. — the  sign  of  the  Nightingale  on  the  Ashworth  road.  Indepen- 
dently of  the  brandy  not  being  particularly  good.  Jack  took  so 
much  of  it  that  he  slept  the  clock  round,  and  it  was  past  nine  the 
next  morning  ere  he  awoke.  It  then  took  him  good  twenty 
minutes  to  make  out  where  he  was  ;  he  first  of  all  thought  he  was 
at  Boulogne,  then  in  Paris,  next  at  the  Lord  Warden  Hotel  at 
Dover,  and  lastly  at  the  Coal-hole  in  the  Strand. 

Presently  the  recollection  of  the  race  began  to  dawn  upon  him 
— the  red  jacket — the  grey  horse,  Cuddy  in  distress,  and  gradually 
he  recalled  the  general  outline  of  the  performance,  but  he  could 
not  fill  it  up  so  as  to  make  a  connected  whole,  or  to  say  where  he 
was. 

He  then  looked  at  his  watch,  and  finding  it  was  half-past  four, 
he  concluded  it  had  stopped, — an  opinion  that  was  confirmed  on 
holding  it  to  his  ear  ;  so  without  more  ado,  he  bounded  out  of 
bed  in  a  way  that  nearly  sent  him  through  the  gaping  boards  of 
the  dry-rotting  floor  of  the  little  attic  in  wliich  they  had  laid  him. 
He  then  made  his  way  to  the  roof-raised  window  to  see  what  was 


AS!K    MAXIMA.  323 

outside,  A  fine  wet  muddy  road  shone  below  him,  along  which  a 
straw-cart  was  rolhng  ;  beyond  the  road  was  a  pasture,  then  a 
l;urnip  field  ;  after  which  came  a  succession  of  green,  brown,  and 
drab  fields,  alternating  and  undulating  away  to  the  horizon,  varied 
with  here  and  there  a  belt  or  tuft  of  wood.  Jack  was  no  wiser 
than  he  was,  but  hearing  sounds  below,  he  made  for  the  door,  and 
opening  the  little  flimsy  barrier  stood  listening  like  a  terrier  with 
its  ear  at  a  rat-hole.  These  were  female  voices,  and  he  thus 
addressed  them — "  I  say,  who's  there  ?  Theodosia,  my  dear," 
continued  he,  speaking  down  stairs,  "  vot's  de  time  o'  day,  my 
sweet  ?  '* 

The  lady  thus  addressed  as  Theodosia  was  Mrs.  Windybank,  a 
very  forbidding  tiger-faced  looking  woman,  desperately  pitted  with 
the  small-pox,  who  was  not  in  the  best  of  humours  in  consequence 
of  the  cat  having  got  to  the  cream-bowl  ;  so  all  the  answer  she 
made  to  Jack's  polite  enquiry  was,  "  ]\[ost  ten." 

"  Most  ten  !  "  repeated  Jack,  "  most  ten  !  how  the  doose  can 
that  be  ?  " 

"It  is  hooiver,"  replied  she,  adding,  "you  may  look  if  you 
like." 

"  No,  my  dear,  I'll  take  your  word  for  it,"  replied  Jack  ;  "  but 
tell  me,  Susannah,"  continued  he,  "  whose  house  is  this  I'm 
at?" 

"  Whose  house  is't  ?  "  replied  the  voice;  "whose  house  is't  ? 
why,  Jonathan  AVindybank's — you  knar  that  as  well  as  I  do." 

"  De  lady's  not  pleasant,"  muttered  Jack  to  himself ;  so  return- 
ing into  the  room,  he  began  to  array  himself  in  his  yesterday's 
garments,  Mr.  Gallon's  boots  and  leathers,  his  own  coat  with 
Finlater's  cap,  in  which  he  presently  came  creaking  down  stairs 
and  confronted  the  beauty  with  whom  he  had  had  the  flying 
colloquy.  The  interview  not  being  at  all  to  her  advantage,  and  as 
she  totally  denied  all  knowledge  of  Pangl)urn  Park,  and  "  de 
great  Baronet  vot  kept  the  spotted  dogs,"  ^Monsieur  set  oft"  on  foot 
to  seek  it  ;  and  after  divers  askings,  mistakings,  and  deviations, 
he  at  length  arrived  on  Ilos&iugton  hill  just  as  the  servants'  hall 
dinner-bell  was  ringing,  the  walk  being  much  to  the  detriment  of 
Mr.  Gallon's  boots. 

In  consequence  ol' ^lousieur's  laches,  as  the  lawyers  would  say, 
Mr.  Pringle  was  thrown  on  the  resources  of  the  house  tlie  next 
morning  ;  but  Sir  Closes  being  determined  to  carry  out  his 
intention  with  regard  to  the  horse,  sent  the  footman  to  remind 
Billy  that  he  was  going  to  hunt,  and  to  get  him  his  things  if 
required.  So  our  fi-iend  was  obliged  to  adorn  for  the  chase 
instead  of  retiring  from  further  exertion  in  that  line  as  he 
intended  ;  and  with  the  aid  of  the  footman  he  made  a  very  satis- 


324  ASK    MAMMA. 

f;;ctoi7  toilette, — his  smart  scarlet,  a  buff  vest,  a  green  cravat, 
correct  sliirt-collar,  with  unimpeachable  leathers  and  boots. 

Though  this  was  the  make-believe  day  of  the  week,  Sir  Moses 
was  all  hurry  and  bustle  as  usual,  and  greeted  our  hero  as  he  came 
down  stairs  with  the  greatest  enthusiasm,  promising,  of  all  things 
in  the  world  !  to  show  him  a  run. 

"  Now  bring  breakfast,  !  briug  breakfast  !  "  continued  he,  as  if 
they  had  got  twenty  miles  to  go  to  cover  ;  and  in  came  urn 
and  eggs,  and  ham,  and  cakes,  and  tongue,  and  toast,  and  buns, 
all  the  concomitants  of  the  meal. — At  it  Sir  Moses  went  as  if  he 
had  only  ten  minutes  to  eat  it  in,  inviting  his  guest  to  fall-to 
also. 

Just  as  they  were  in  the  midst  of  the  meal  a  horse  was  heard  to 
Bnort^ outside,  and  on  looking  up  the  great  Lord  Mayor  was  seen 
passing  up  the  Park. 

'*  Ah,  there's  your  horse  !  "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  "  there's  your 
horse  !  been  down  to  the  shop  to  get  his  shoes  looked  to,"  though 
in  reality  Sir  Moses  had  told  the  groom  to  do  just  what  he  was 
doing,  viz.  -  -  to  pass  him  before  the  house  at  breakfast-time 
without  his  clothing. 

The  Lord  Mayor  was  indeed  a  sort  of  horse  that  a  youngster 
might  well  be  taken  in  with,  grey,  with  a  beautiful  head  and  neck, 
and  an  elegantly  set-on  tail,  lie  stepped  out  freely  and  gaily,  and 
looked  as  lively  as  a  lark. 

He  was,  however,  as  great  an  impostor  as  Napoleon  the  Great ; 
for,  independently  of  being  troubled  with  the  Megrims,  he  was 
a  shocking  bad  hack,  and  a  very  few  fields  shut  him  up  as 
a  hunter. 

"  Well  now,"  said  Sir  Moses,  pausing  in  his  meal,  with  the  up- 
lifted knife  and  fork  of  admii'ation,  "  that,  to  my  mind,  is  the 
handsomest  horse  in  the  country, — I  don'c  care  where  the  next 
handsomest  is. — Just  look  at  his  figure,  just  look  at  his  action. — 
Did  you  ever  see  any  thing  so  elegant  ?  To  my  mind  he's  as  near 
perfection  as  possible,  and  what's  more,  he's  as  good  as  he  looks, 
and  all  I've  got  to  sav  is,  that  vou  are  most  heartily  welcome  to 
him." 

"0,  thank'e,"  replied  Billy,  "thank'e,  but  I  couldn't  think  of 
accepting  him, — I  couldn't  think  of  accepting  him  indeed." 

"  0,  but  you  sliall,"  said  Sir  Moses,  resuming  his  eating,  "  0 
but  you  sliall,  so  there's  an  end  of  the  matter. — And  now  have 
some  more  tea,"  whereupon  he  proceeded  to  charge  Billy's  cup  in 
the  awkward  sort  of  way  men  genei-ally  do  when  they  meddle  with 
the  tea-pot. 

Sir  ^idses,  having  now  devoured  his  own  meal,  ran  oft"  to  his 
study,  telling  Billy  he  would  call  him  when  it  was  time  to  go,  and 


ASK    MAMMA 


325 


our  friend  proceeded  to  daudle  and  saunter,  and  think  Avhat  he 
would  do  with  his  gift  horse.  He  was  certainly  a  handsome  one 
— handsomer  than  Napoleon,  and  grey  was  a  smarter  colour  than 
bay — might  not  be  quite  so  convenient  for  riding  across  country 


n;s,  .si..,N   iiiAi    I. 


on,  seeing  thai  ihocolniir  was  c()iisj)icuoiis,  Imt  for  a  hot  day  in 
the  Park  nothing  could  l)e  more  cool  or  delightful.  And  he 
thought  it  was  extrenicly  handsome  of  Sir  Moi'vi^  gi\iiig  it  to  him, 
more,  he  felt,  than  nine-teiitlis  of  the  people  in  the  world  wonld 
have  done. 


826  ASK    MAMMA. 

Our  friend's  reverie  was  presently  interrupted  by  Sir  Moses 
darting  back,  pen  and  paper  in  hand,  exclaiming,  "  I'll  tell  ye 
what,  my  dear  Pringle  !  I'll  tell  ye  wliat !  there  shall  be  no  obliga- 
tion, and  you  shall  give  me  fifty  puns  for  the  gi'cy  and  pay  for 
him  when  you  please.  But  mark  mc  !  "  added  he,  holding  up  his 
forefinger  and  looking  most  scrutinismgly  at  our  friend,  "  Onlt/ 
on  one  condition,  mind!  only  on  one  condition,  mind!  that  you 
give  me  the  refusal  of  him  if  ever  you  want  to  part  with  him  ;  " 
and  without  waiting  for  an  answer,  he  placed  the  paper  before 
our  friend,  and  handing  him  the  pen,  said,  "  There,  then,  sign 
that  I.  0.  U."  And  Billy  having  signed  it,  Sir  Moses  snatched  it 
up  and  disappeared,  leaving  our  friend  to  a  renewal  of  his  cogi- 
tations. 

Sir  Moses  having  accomplished  the  grand  *'  do,"  next  thought 
he  would  back  out  of  the  loan  of  the  dog-cart.  For  this  purpose 
he  again  came  hurrying  back,  pen  in  hand,  exclaiming,  "  Oh  dear, 
he  was  so  sorry,  but  it  had  just  occurred  to  him  that  he  wanted 
the  mare  to  go  to  Lord  Lundyfoote's ;  however,  I'll  make  it 
all  square,  I'll  make  it  all  square,"  continued  he  ;  "  I'll  tell 
Jenkins,  the  postman,  to  send  a  fly  as  soon  as  he  gets  to  Hinton, 
which,  I  make  no  doubt,  will  be  here  by  the  time  we  come  in  from 
hunting,  and  it  will  take  you  and  your  traps  all  snug  and  comfort- 
able ;  for  a  dog-cart,  after  all,  is  but  a  chilly  concern  at  this  time 
of  year,  and  I  shouldn't  like  you  to  catch  cold  going  from  my 
house  ;  "  and  without  waiting  for  an  answer,  he  pulled-to  the  door 
and  hurried  back  to  his  den.  Billy  shook  his  head,  for  he  didn't 
like  being  put  ofi'  that  way,  and  muttered  to  himself,  *'  I  wonder 
who'll  pay  for  it  though."  However,  on  reflection,  he  thought 
perhaps  he  would  be  as  comfortable  in  a  fly  as  finding  his  way 
across  country  on  horseback  ;  and  as  he  had  now  ascertained  that 
Monsieur  could  ride,  whether  or  not  he  could  drive,  he  settled  that 
he  might  just  as  well  take  the  grey  to  Yammerton  Grange  as  not. 
This  then  threw  him  back  on  his  position  with  regard  to  the  horse, 
which  was  not  so  favourable  as  it  at  first  appeared  ;  indeed,  he 
questioned  whether  he  had  done  wisely  in  signing  the  paper,  his 
Mamma  having  always  cautioned  him  to  be  careful  how  he  put 
his  name  to  anything.  Still,  he  felt  he  couldn't  have  got  off 
without  offending  Sir  Moses  ;  and  after  all,  it  was  more  like  a 
loan  than  a  sale,  seeing  that  he  had  not  paid  for  him,  and  Sir 
Moses  would  take  him  back  if  he  liked.  Altogether  he  thought 
he  might  be  worse  oil',  and,  considering  that  Lord  Tootleton  had 
given  three  hundred  for  the  horse,  he  certainly  must  be  worth 
fifty.  There  is  nothing  so  deceiving  as  price.  Only  tell  a 
youngster  that  a  horse  has  cost  a  large  sum,  and  he  immediately 
looks  at  him,  while  he  would  pass  him  by  if  he  stood  at  a  low 


ASK    MAMMA.  327 

figure.  Having  belonged  to  a  lord,  too,  made  him  so  much  more 
acceptable  to  Billy. 

A  loud  crack  of  a  whip,  accompanied  by  a  "  Now,  Pringle  !  " 
presently  resounded  through  the  house,  and  our  friend  agaiiv 
found  himself  called  upon  to  engage  in  an  a/)t  of  horsemanship. 

*'  Coming  !  "  cried  he,  starting  from  the  little  mirror  above  the 
scanty  grey  marble  mantel-piece,  in  which  he  was  contemplating 
his  moustachios  ;  "  Coming  ! "  and  away  he  strode,  with  the 
desperate  energy  of  a  man  bent  on  braving  the  worst.  His  cap, 
whip,  gloves,  and  mits,  were  all  laid  ready  for  him  on  the  entrance 
hall-table  ;  and  seizing  them  in  a  cluster,  he  proceeded  to  decorate 
himself  as  he  followed  Sir  Moses  along  the  intricate  passages  lead- 
ing to  the  stable-yard. 


CHAPTEIR    XLIX. 

THK    SHAM    DAY. 


Saturday  is  a  very  ditterent  day  in  the  country  to  what  it  is  in 
London.  In  Ijondon  it  is  the  lazy  day  of  the  week,  whereas  it  is 
the  busy  one  in  the  country.  It  is  marked  in  London  by  the 
coming  of  the  clean-linen  carts,  and  the  hurrying  about  of 
Hansoms  with  gentlemen  with  umbrellas  and  small  carpet-bags, 
going  to  the  steamers  and  stations  for  pleasure  ;  whereas  in  the 
country  evei'yhody  is  oil"  to  the  parliament  of  his  local  capital  on 
business.  All  the  mai-kets  in  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  were  held 
on  a  Saturday,  and  several  in  Featherbedfordshire  ;  and  as  every- 
body who  has  nothing  to  do  is  always  extremely  busy,  great 
gatherings  were  the  result.  This  circumstance  made  Sir  Moses 
hit  upon  Saturday  for  his  fourth,  or  make-believe  day  with  the 
liDunds,  inasmuch  as  few  people  would  be  likely  to  come,  and  if 
they  did,  he  knew  how  to  get  rid  of  them.  The  consequence  was, 
that  the  court-yaid  at  Pangburn  Park  exhibited  a  very  ditlerent 
appearance,  on  this  occasion,  tu  what  it  would  have  done  had  the 
hounds  met  there  on  any  other  day  of  the  week.  Two  red  coats 
only,  and  those  very  shabby  ones,  with  very  shady  horses  under 
them — viz.,  young  jMr.  Lillikins  of  Red  Hill  Lodge,  and  his 
cousin  Captain  Tiuffof  the  navy  (the  latter  out  for  the  first  time 
in  his  life),  weic  all  that  gi'eeted  our  sportsmen  ;  the  rest  of  the 
field  being  attired  in  shooting-jackets,  tweeds,  antigropolos  and 
other  anti-fox-hunting  hx^king  things. 

"(iood  morning,  gentlemen  !  good  morning!  "  cried  Sir  Moses, 


328  ASK    MAMMA. 

waving  his  hand  from  the  steps  at  tlie  promiscuous  throng  ;  and 
without  condescending  to  particularise  any  one,  he  hurried  across 
for  his  horse,  followed  by  our  friend.  Sir  Moses  was  going  to  ride 
Old  Jack,  one  of  the  horses  he  had  spoken  of  for  Billy,  a  venerable 
brown,  of  whose  age  no  one's  memory  about  the  ))lace  supplied  any 
information — though  when  he  tirst  came  all  the  then  wiseacres 
prophesied  a  speedy  decline.  Still  Old  Jack  had  gone  on  from 
season  to  season,  never  apparently  getting  older,  and  now  looking 
as  likely  to  go  on  as  ever.  The  old  fellow  having  come  pottering 
out  of  the  stable  and  couched  to  his  load,  the  great  Lord  Mayor 
came  darting  forward  as  if  anxious  for  the  fray.  "  It's  your  saddle, 
sir,"  said  Wetun,  touching  his  forehead  with  his  finger,  as  he  held 
on  by  the  stirrup  for  Billy  to  mount.  Uj)  then  went  our  friend 
into  the  old  seat  of  suifering.  "  There  !  "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  as 
he  got  his  feet  settled  in  the  stirrups  ;  "  there,  you  do  look  well ! 
If  Miss  *  um'  sees  you,"  continued  he,  with  a  knowing  wink,  "  it'll 
be  all  over  with  you ;  "  so  saying,  Sir  Moses  touched  Old  Jack 
gently  with  the  spur,  and  proceeded  to  the  slope  of  the  park,  where 
Findlater  and  the  whips  now  had  the  hounds. 

Tom  Findlater,  as  we  said  before,  was  an  excellent  huntsman, 
but  he  had  his  peculiarities,  and  in  addition  to  that  of  getting 
drunk,  he  sometimes  required  to  be  managed  by  the  rule  of 
contrtiry,  and  made  to  believe  that  Sir  Moses  wanted  him  to  do  the 
very  reverse  of  what  he  really  did.  Having  been  refused  leave  to 
go  to  Cleaver  the  butcher's  christening-supper  at  the  sign  of  the 
Shoulder  of  Mutton,  at  Kimberley,  Sir  Moses  anticipated  that  this 
would  be  one  of  his  perverse  days,  and  so  he  began  taking  measures 
accordingly. 

"  Good  morning,  Tom,"  said  he,  as  huntsman  and  whips  now 
sky-scraped  to  his  advance — "morning  all  of  you,"  added  he, 
waving  a  general  salute  to  the  hound-encircling  group. 

"  Now,  Tom,"  said  he,  pulling  up  and  fumbling  at  his  horn, 
"  I've  been  telling  Mr.  Priuglc  that  we'll  get  him  a  gallop  so  as  to 
enable  him  to  arrive  at  Yammcrton  Grange  before  dark." 

"  Yes,  Sir  Moses,"  replied  Tom,  with  a  ra])  of  his  cap-peak; 
thinking  he  would  take  very  good  care  that  he  didn't. 

"  Xow  whether  will  Briarey  Banks  or  the  Reddish  "Warren  be  the 
likeliest  place  for  a  find  ? " 

"Neither,  Sir  Moses,  neither,"  replied  Tom  confidently,  "Tip- 
thorne's  the  place  for  us." 

This  was  just  what  Sir  ]\roscs  wanted. 

"  Tipthorne,  you  think,  do  you  ? "  replied  he,  musingly, 
'■  Tipthorne,  you  think — well,  and  where  iK'xt  ? " 

"  Shillington,  Sir  Moses,  and  Halstead  Hill,  and  so  on  to 
Hatchinirton  Woo'^"!." 


ASK    MAMMA.  32P 

"  Good  !  "  replied  the  Baronet,  "Good !"  adding,  "  tlien  let's  be 
going." 

At  a  whistle  and  a  waive  of  his  hand  the  watchful  hounds  darted 
up,  and  Tom  taking  the  lead,  the  mixed  cavalcade  swept  after  them 
over  the  now  yellow -grassed  park  in  a  north-easterly  direction. 
Captain  Luff  working  his  screw  as  if  he  were  bent  on  treading  on 
the  hounds'  stems. 

There  being  no  one  out  to  whom  Sir  Moses  felt  there  would  be 
any  profitable  investaient  of  attention,  he  devoted  himself  to  our 
hero,  complimenting  him  on  his  appearance,  and  on  the  gallant 
bearing  of  his  steed,  declaring  that  of  all  the  neat  horses  he  had 
ever  set  eyes  on  the  Lord  Mayor  was  out-and-out  the  neatest.  So 
with  compliments  to  Billy,  and  muttered  "cusses  "  at  Luff,  they 
trotted  down  Oxclose  Lane,  through  the  little  village  of  Homerton, 
past  Dewfield  Lawn,  over  Waybridge  Common,  shirking  Upwood 
toll-bar,  and  down  Cornforth  Bank  to  Burford,  when  Tipthorne 
stood  before  them.  It  was  a  round  Billesdon  Coplow-like  hill, 
covered  with  stunted  oaks,  and  a  nice  warm  lying  gorse  sloping 
away  to  the  south ;  but  Mr.  Tadpole's  keeper  having  the  rabbits,  he 
was  seldom  out  of  it,  and  it  was  of  little  use  looking  there  for  a  fox. 

That  being  the  case,  of  course  it  was  more  necessary  to  make  a 
great  pretension,  so  halting  noiselessly  behind  the  high  red- 
berried  hedge,  dividing  the  pasture  from  the  gorse,  Tom  despatched 
his  whips  to  their  points,  and  then  touching  his  cap  to  Sir  Moses, 
said,  "  P'raps  ]\Ir.  Pringle  would  like  to  ride  in  and  see  him  find." 

"Ah,  to  be  sure,"  replied  Sir  JMosos,  "  let's  both  go  in,"  where- 
upon Tom  opened  the  bridle-gate,  and  away  went  the  hounds  with 
a  dash  that  as  good  as  said  if  we  don't  get  a  fox  we'll  get  a  rabbit 
at  all  events. 

"A  fox  for  a  guinea!"  cried  Findhiter,  cheering  them,  and 
looking  at  his  watch  as  if  he  had  him  up  already.  "  A  fox  for  a 
guinea  ! "  repeated  he,  thinking  how  nicely  he  was  selling  his 
master. 

"  Keep  your  eye  on  this  side  ! "  cried  Sir  Moses  to  Billy. 
"  He'll  cross  directly  !  "  Terrible  announcement.  How  our  friend 
did  quake. 

"  Yap,  yap,  //a/>,"  now  went  the  shrill  note  of  Tartar,  tlu;  tarrier, 
"  Yough,  yoiHj]t,ij()iiiilt,'"  fohowed  the  deep  tone  of  young  Venture- 
some, close  in  pursuit  ui' a  iMinny. 

'■'■Crack!'''  went  a  heavy  whip,  echoing  through  the  air  and 
resounding  at  the  back  of  the  hill. 

All  iigain  was  still,  and  Tom  ad\anced  up  the  cover,  standing 
erect  in  his  stirrups,  looking  as  if  half-inclined  to  believe  it  was  a 
fox  after  all. 

"i7/oo  ill!  I'Jloo  //J.'"  cried  he,  capping  Talisman  and  Wonderful 

A  A 


330  ASK    MAMMA. 

across.  "  Yoicks  wind  'im  !  yoicks  push  him  up  !  "  continued  he, 
thinking  what  a  wonderful  performance  it  would  be  if  they  did 
find. 

"  Squeak,  yap,  yell,  squeak,"  now  went  the  well-known  sound  of 
a  hound  in  a  trap.  It  is  Labourer,  and  a  whip  goes  diving  into 
the  sea  of  gorse  to  the  rescue. 

"  Oh,  dom  those  traps,"  cries  Sir  Moses,  as  the  clamour  ceases, 
adding,  "  no  fox  here,  I  told  you  so,"  adding,  "  should  have  gone 
to  the  Warren." 

He  then  took  out  his  box- wood  horn  and  stopped  the  performance 
by  a  most  discordant  blast.  The  hounds  came  slinking  out  to  the 
summons,  some  of  them  licking  their  lips  as  if  they  had  not  been 
there  altogether  for  nothing. 

"  "Where  to,  now,  please  Sir  Moses  ?  "  asked  Tom,  with  a  touch 
of  his  cap,  as  soon  as  he  had  got  them  all  out. 

"  Tally-ho  !  "  cries  Captain  LufiF,  in  a  most  stentorian  strain — 
adding  immediately,  "  Oh  no  !  I'm  mistaken,  Ifs  a  Mre  !  "  as  half 
the  hounds  break  away  to  his  cry. 

*'  Oh,  dom  you  and  your  noise,"  cries  Sir  Moses,  in  well-feigner 
disgust,  adding — "  Why  don't  you  put  your  spectacles  on  ?  " 

Luff  looks  foolish,  for  he  doesn't  know  what  to  say,  and  the 
excitement  dies  out  in  a  laugh  at  the  Captain's  expense. 

"  Where  to,  now,  please,  Sir  IMoses  ?  "  again  asks  Tom,  chuckling 
at  his  master's  displeasure,  and  thinking  how  much  better  it  would 
have  been  if  he  had  let  him  go  to  the  supper. 

"  Where  you  please,"  growled  the  Baronet,  scowling  at  Luflf's 
nasty  rusty  Napoleons — "  where  you  please,  you  said  Shillington, 
didn't  you — anywhere,  only  let  us  find  a  fox,"  added  he,  as  if  he 
really  wanted  one. 

Tom  then  got  his  horse  short  by  the  head,  and  shouldering  his 
whip,  trotted  off  briskly,  as  if  bent  on  retrieving  the  day.  So  he 
went  through  the  little  hamlet  of  Hawkesworth  over  Dippingham 
watei'  meadows,  bringing  Blobbiugton  mill-race  into  the  line,  mucb 
to  Billy's  discomfiture,  and  then  along  the  Hinton  and  London 
turnpike  to  the  sign  of  the  Plough  at  the  blacksmith's  shop  at 
Shillington. 

The  gorse  was  within  a  stone's  throw  of  the  '*  Public,"  so  Luff 
and  some  of  the  thirsty  ones  pulled  up  to  wet  their  whistles  and 
light  the  clay  pipes  of  gentility. 

The  gorse  was  very  open,  and  the  hounds  van  through  it  almost 
before  the  sots  had  settled  what  they  would  have,  and  there  being 
a  bye-road  at  the  far  end,  leading  by  a  slight  detour  to  Halstead 
Hill,  Sir  Moses  hurried  them  out,  thinking  to  shake  off  some  of  the 
jail  by  a  trot.  They  therefore  slipped  away  with  scarcely  a  crack 
of  the  whip,  let  alone  the  twang  of  a  horn. 


-:i^'^$ 
•- r^^--^ 


■ .  x^^v^ 


■TALLY     HO!"     CRIF-.S    CAPTAIN     ll'FP. 


A    A  -J 


ASK    MAMMA.  331 

"Bad  work  this,"  said  Sir  Moses,  spurring  and  reining  up 
alongside  of  Billy,  "bad  work  this;  that  huntsman  of  mine,"  added 
he,  in  an  under  tone,  *'  is  the  most  obstinate  fool  under  the  sun, 
and  let  me  give  you  a  bit  of  advice,"  continued  he,  laying  hold  of 
our  iriend's  arm,  as  if  to  enforce  it.  "If  ever  you  keep  hounds, 
always  give  orders  and  never  ask  opinions.  Now,  Mister 
Findlater  ! "  hallooed  he,  to  the  bobbing  cap  in  advance,  "  Now, 
Mister  Findlater  !  you're  well  called  Findlater,  by  Jove,  for  I 
think  you'll  never  find  at  all.     Halstead  Hill,  I  suppose,  ntxt  ?  " 

"  Yes,  Sir  Moses,"  replied  Tom,  with  a  half-touch  of  his  cap, 
putting  on  a  little  faster,  to  get  away,  as  he  thought,  from  the  spray 
of  his  master's  wrath.  And  so  with  this  comfortable  game  at  cross 
purposes,  master  and  servant  passed  over  what  is  still  called 
Lingfield  common  (though  it  now  grows  turnips  instead  of  gorse), 
and  leaving  Cherry-trees  Windmill  to  the  left,  sunk  the  hill  at 
Drovers'  Heath,  and  crossing  the  bridge  at  the  Wellingburn,  the 
undulating  form  of  Halstead  Hill  stood  full  before  them.  Tom 
then  pulled  up  into  a  walk,  and  contemplated  the  rugged  intricacies 
of  its  craggy  bush-dotted  face. 

"  If  there's  a  fox  in  the  country  one  would  think  he'd  be  here," 
observed  he,  in  a  general  sort  of  way,  well  knowing  that  Mr. 
Testyfield's  keeper  took  better  care  of  them  than  that.  "  Gently 
hurrying  ! "  hallooed  he,  now  cracking  his  whip  as  the  hounds 
pricked  their  ears,  and  seemed  inclined  to  break  away  to  an 
outburst  of  children  from  the  village  school  below. 

Tom  then  took  the  hounds  to  the  cast  end  of  the  hill,  where  the 
lying  l)cgan,  and  drew  them  along  the  face  of  it  with  the  usual 
result,  "  iW/."     Not  even  a  rabbit. 

"  Well,  that's  queer,"  said  he,  with  well  feigned  chagrin,  as 
Pillager,  Petulant,  and  Ravager  appeared  on  the  bare  ground  to 
the  west,  leading  out  the  rest  of  the  pack  on  their  lines.  They 
were  all  presently  clustering  in  view  again.  A  slight  twang  of 
the  horn  brought  them  pouring  down  to  the  hill  to  our  obstinate 
huntsman  just  as  Captain  Lud"  and  Co.  hove  in  sight  on  the 
Wellingburn  Bridge,  riding  as  boldly  as  refreshed  gentlemen 
generally  do. 

There  was  nothing  for  it  then  but  Hatchington  Wood,  with  its 
deep  holding  rides  and  interminable  extent. 

There  is  a  Hatchington  Wood  in  every  hunt,  wild  inhospitable 
looking  thickets,  that  seem  as  if  they  never  knew  an  owner's  care, 
where  men  light  their  cigars  and  gather  in  groups,  well  knowing 
that  whatever  sport  the  hounds  may  have,  theirs  is  over  for  the 
day.  Places  in  which  a  man  may  gallop  his  horse's  tail  off,  and  not 
hear  or  see  half  as  much  as  those  do  who  sit  still. 

Into  it  Tom  now  cheered  his  hounds,  again  thinking  how  much 


332  ASK    MAMMA, 

better  it  would  have  been  if  Sir  Moses  had  let  him  go  to  the 
supper.  "  Cover  hoick  !  Cover  hoick  !  "  cheered  he  to  his  hounds, 
as  they  came  to  the  rickety  old  gate.  "I  wouldn't  ha'  got  drunk," 
added  he  to  himself.  "  Yoi,  wind  him  !  Yoi,  rouse  him,  mtj  hoys  ! 
what  'arm  could  it  do  him,  my  going,  I  wonders  ? "  continued  he 
to  himself.  "  Yoi,  try  for  him,  Desp'rate,  good  lass  !  DespVate 
bad  job  my  not  gettin',  I  know,"  added  he,  rubbing  his  nose  on 
the  back  of  his  hand  ;  and  so  with  cheers  to  his  hounds  and 
commentaries  on  Sir  Moses's  mean  conduct,  the  huntsman 
proceeded  from  ride  to  road  and  from  road  to  ride,  varied  with 
occasional  dives  into  the  fern  and  the  rough,  to  exhort  and 
encourage  his  hounds  to  rout  out  a  fox  ;  not  that  he  cared  much 
now  whether  he  found  one  or  not,  for  the  cover  had  long  existed  on 
the  reputation  of  a  run  that  took  place  twelve  years  before,  and  it 
was  not  likely  that  a  place  so  circumstanced  would  depart  from  its 
isual  course  on  that  day. 

There  is  nothing  certain,  however,  about  a  fox-hunt,  but 
uncertainty  ;  the  worst-favoured  days  sometimes  proving  the  best, 
and  the  best-favoured  ones  sometimes  proving  the  worst.  We 
dare  say,  if  our  sporting  readers  would  ransack  their  memories, 
they  will  find  that  most  of  their  best  days  have  been  on  unpromis- 
ing ones.  So  it  was  on  the  present  occasion,  only  no  one  saw  the 
run  but  Tom  and  the  first  whip.  Coming  suddenly  upon  a  fine 
travelling  fox,  at  the  far  corner  of  the  cover,  they  slipped  away 
with  him  down  wind,  and  had  a  bona  fide  five  and  thirty  minutes, 
with  a  kill,  in  Lord  f^adythorne's  country,  within  two  fields  of  his 
famous  gorse  cover,  at  Cockmere. 

"  Ord  !  rot  ye,  but  ye  should  ha'  seen  that,  if  you'd  let  me  go  to 
the  supper,"  cried  Tom,  as  he  threw  himself  oft"  his  lathered  tail- 
quivering  liorse  to  pick  up  his  fox,  adding,  "  I  knows  when  to  blow 
the  horn  and  when  not." 

IMeanwhile  Sir  Closes,  having  got  into  a  wrangle  with  Jacky 
Phillips  about  the  price  of  a  pig,  sate  on  his  accustomed  place  on 
the  rising  ground  by  the  old  tumble-down  tarm-buildings,  wrangl- 
ing, and  haggling,  and  declaring  it  was  a  "  do."  In  the  midst  of 
his  vehemence,  Robin  Snowball's  camp  of  roystering,  tinkering 
besom-makers  came  battering  past ;  and  Rol)in,  having  a  contract 
with  Sir  Moses  for  dog  horses,  gave  his  ass  a  forwai'ding  bang,  and 
ran  up  to  inform  his  patron  that  "  the  bunds  had  gone  away 
through  Piercefield  plantins  iver  see  lang  since  : " — a  fact  that 
Robin  was  well  aware  of,  having  been  stealing  besom-shanks  in 
them  at  the  time. 

"  Oh,  the  devil ! "  shrieked  Sir  Moses,  as  if  he  was  shot.  "  Oh, 
the  devil !  "  continued  he,  wringing  his  hands,  thinking  how  Tom 
would  be  bucketing  Crusader  now  that  he  was  out  of  sight ;  and 


ASK   MAMMA.  888 

catching  up  his  horse,  he  stuck  spurs  in  his  sides,  and  went 
clattering  up  the  stony  cross-road  to  the  west,  as  hard  as  ever  the 
old  Jack  could  lay  legs  to  the  ground,  thinking  what  a  wigging  he 
would  give  Tom  if  he  caught  him. 

"  Hark  !  "  continued  he,  pulling  short  up  across  the  road,  and 
neai-ly  shooting  Billy  into  his  pocket  with  the  jerk  of  his  suddenly 
stopped  horse,  "  Hark  ! "  repeated  he,  holding  up  his  hand,  "  Isn't 
that  the  horn  ?  " 

"  Oh,  dom  it !  it's  Parker,  the  postman,"  added  he, — "  what 
business  has  the  beggar  to  make  such  a  row  ! "  for,  like  all  noisy 
people.  Sir  Moses  had  no  idea  of  anybody  making  a  noise  but 
himself.  He  then  set  his  horse  agoing  again,  and  was  presently 
standing  in  his  stirrups,  tearing  up  the  wretched,  starvation,  weed- 
grown  ground  outside  the  cover. 

Having  gained  a  sufficient  elevation,  he  again  pulled  up,  and 
turning  short  round,  began  surveying  the  country.  All  was  quiet 
and  tranquil.  The  cattle  had  their  heads  to  the  ground,  the  sheep 
were  scattered  freely  over  the  fields,  and  the  teams  were  going  lazily 
over  the  clover-lays,  leaving  shiny  furrows  behind  them. 

"  Well,  that's  a  sell,  at  all  events  !  "  said  he,  dropping  his  reins. 
"  Be  b'und  to  say  they  are  right  into  the  heart  of  Featherbedford- 
shire  by  this  time, — most  likely  at  Upton  Moss  in  Woodberry 
Vale, — as  fine  a  country  as  ever  man  crossed, — and  to  think  that 
that  wretched  deluded  man  has  it  all  to  himself ! — I'd  draw  and 
quarter  him  if  I  had  him,  dom'd  if  I  wouldn't,"  added  Sir  Moses, 
cutting  frantically  at  the  air  with  his  thong-gathered  whip. 

Our  friend  Billy,  on  the  other  hand,  was  all  ease  and  comjiosure. 
He  had  escaped  the  greatest  punishment  that  could  befall  him, 
and  was  so  clean  and  comfortable,  that  he  resolved  to  surprise  his 
fair  friends  at  Yammerton  Grange  in  his  pink,  instead  of  changing 
as  he  intended. 

Sir  Closes,  having  strained  his  eje-balls  about  the  country  in 
vain,  at  length  dropped  down  in  his  saddle,  and  addressing  the 
few  darkly-clad  horsemen  around  him  with,  "Well,  gentlemen,  I'm 
afraid  it's  all  over  for  the  day,"  adding,  "  Come,  Prin^le,  let  us  be 
going,"  he  yxikod  his  way  past  them,  and  was  presently  retracing 
his  steps  throuji^h  the  wood,  picking  up  a  lost  hound  or  two  as  he 
went.  And  still  he  was  so  loth  to  give  it  up,  that  he  took  Forester 
Hill  in  his  way,  to  try  if  he  could  see  anything  of  them;  but  it  was 
all  calm  and  blank  as  before  ;  and  at  length  he  reached  Pangburn 
Park  in  a  very  discontented  mood. 

In  the  court -yard  stood  the  green  fly  that  had  to  convey  our 
friend  back  to  fairy-land,  away  from  the  red  coats,  silk  jackets, 
and  other  the  persecutions  of  pleasure,  to  the  peaceful  repose  of 
the  Major  and  his  "  haryer«."     Sir  Moses  looked  at  it  with  satis- 


534  ASK    MAMMA. 

faction,  for  he  had  had  as  much  of  onr  friend's  society  as  he 
required,  and  did  not  know  that  he  could  "  do  "  him  much  more 
if  he  had  him  a  month  ;  so  if  he  could  now  only  get  clear  of 
Monsieur  without  paying  him,  that  was  all  he  required. 

Jack,  however,  was  on  the  alert,  and  appeared  on  the  back-steps 
as  Sir  Moses  dismounted  ;  nor  did  his  rapid  dive  into  the  stable 
avail  him,  for  Jack  headed  him  as  he  emerged  at  the  other  end, 
with  a  hoist  of  his  hat,  and  a  "  Bon  jour,  Sare  Moses,  Baronet !  " 

"  Ah,  Monsieur,  comment  vous  portez-vous  ? "  replied  the 
Baronet,  shying  off,  with  a  keep-your-distance  sort  of  waive  of  the 
hand. 

Jack,  however,  was  not  to  be  put  off  that  way,  and  following 
briskly  up,  he  refreshed  Sir  Moses's  memory  with,  "  Fund,  I  beat 
Cuddy,  old  cock,  to  de  clomp  ;  ten  franc — ten  shillin' — T  get  over 
de  brook  ;  thirty  shillin'  in  all,  Sare  Moses,  Baronet,"  holding  out 
his  hand  for  the  money. 

"  Oh,  ah,  true,"  replied  Sir  Moses,  pretending  to  recollect  the 
bets,  adding,  "  If  you  can  give  me  change  of  a  fifty-pun  note,  I 
can  pay  ye,"  producing  a  nice  clean  one  from  his  pocket-book 
that  he  always  kept  ready  for  cases  of  emergency  like  the  present. 

"Fifty-pun  note,  Sare  Moses!"  replied  Jack,  eyeing  it. 
"  Fifty-pun  note  !  I  'ave  not  got  such  an  astonishm'  som  about 
me  at  present,"  feeling  his  pockets  as  he  spoke  ;  "  hot  I  vill  seek 
change,  if  you  please." 

"  Why,  no,"  replied  Sir  Moses,  thinking  he  had  l)ettcr  not  part 
with  the  decoy-duck.  "Fll  tell  you  what  Fll  do,  though," 
continued  he,  restoring  it  to  its  case  ;  "  Fll  send  you  a  post-office 
order  for  the  amount,  or  pay  it  to  your  friend,  Mr.  Gallon,  which- 
ever you  prefer," 

"  Yell,  Sir  ]\[oses.  Baronet,"  repHed  -Jack,  considering,  "  I  think 
de  leetle  post-office  order  vill  be  de  most  digestible  vay  of  squarin' 
matters." 

"  Va-a-ry  good,"  cried  Sir  ]\roses,  "  Va-a-ry  good.  Fll  send  you 
one,  then,"  and  darting  at  a  door  in  the  Avail,  he  Slipped  through 
it,  and  shot  the  bolt  between  Jack  and  himself. 

And  our  hero,  having  recruited  nature  with  lunch,  and  arranged 
with  .Jack  for  riding  his  horse,  presently  took  leave  of  his  most 
hospitable  host,  and  entered  the  fly  that  was  to  convey  him  back 
to  Yammerton  Grange.  And  having  cast  himself  into  its  ill- 
stuffed  hold  he  ruml)led  and  jolted  across  country  in  the  careless, 
independent  sort  of  way  that  a  man  does  who  has  only  a  temporary 
interest  in  the  vehicle,  easy  whether  he  was  upset  or  not.  Let  us 
now  anticipate  his  arrival  by  transferring  our  imaginations  to 
Yammerton  Grange. 


ASK    MAMMA.  336 

CHAPTER    L. 

THE   SURPRISE. 

It  is  all  very  well  for  people  to  affect  the  magnificent,  to  give 
general  invitations,  and  say  "  Come  whenever  it  suits  you  ;  we 
shall  always  be  happy  to  see  you,"  and  so  on  ;  but  somehow  it  is 
seldom  safe  to  take  them  at  their  word.  How  many  houses  has 
the  reader  to  which  he  can  ride  or  drive  up  with  the  certainty  of 
not  putting  people  "  out,"  as  the  saying  is.  If  there  is  a 
running  account  of  company  going  on,  it  is  all  very  well ;  another 
man  more  or  less  is  neither  here  nor  there  ;  but  if  it  should  happen 
to  be  one  of  those  solemn  lulls  that  intervene  between  one  set  of 
guests  going  and  another  coming,  denoted  by  the  wide-apart 
napkins  seen  by  a  side  glance  as  he  passes  the  dining-room  window, 
then  it  is  not  a  safe  speculation.  At  all  events,  a  little  notice  is 
better,  save,  perhaps,  among  fox-hunters,  who  care  less  for  appear- 
ances than  other  people. 

It  was  Saturday,  as  we  said  before,  and  our  friend  the  Major 
had  finished  his  week's  work : — paid  his  labourers,  handled  the 
heifers  that  had  left  him  so  in  the  lurch,  counted  the  sheep,  given 
out  the  corn,  ordered  the  carriage  for  church  in  case  it  kept  dry, 
and  as  day  closed  had  come  into  the  house,  and  exchanged  his 
thick  shoes  for  old  worsted  worked  slippers,  and  cast  himself  into 
a  semicircular  chair  in  the  druggeted  drawing-room  to  wile  away 
one  of  those  long  winter  evenings  that  seem  so  impossible  in  the 
enduring  length  of  a  summer  day,  with  that  best  of  all  papers,  the 
"  llit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  Herald."  The  local  paper  is  the 
paper  for  the  country  gentleman,  just  as  the  "  Times  "  is  the  paper 
for  the  Londoner.  The  "  Times  "  may  span  the  globe,  tell  what 
is  doing  at  Delhi  and  Xew  York,  France,  Utah,  Prussia,  Spain, 
Ireland,  and  the  ^lauritius  ;  but  the  paper  that  tells  the  squire  of 
the  flocks  and  herds,  the  hills  and  dales,  the  births  and  disasters  of 
his  native  district,  is  the  paper  for  his  money.  So  it  was  with  our 
friend  the  Major.  He  enjoyed  tearing  the  half-printed  half- 
written  envelope  off  his  "  Herald,"  and  holding  its  damp  sides  to 
the  cheerful  fire  until  he  got  it  as  crisp  as  a  Bank  of  England 
note,  and  then,  sousing  down  in  his  easy  chair  to  enjoy  its 
contents,  conscious  that  no  one  had  anticipated  them.  How  he 
revelled  in  the  advertisements,  and  accompanied  each  announce- 
ment with  a  mental  commentary  of  his  own. 

We  like  to  see  countiy  gentlemen  enjoying  their  local  papers. 

Ashover  farm  to  let,  conjured  up  recollections  of  young  Mr. 


886  ASK    MAMMA. 

Gosling  spurting  past  in  white  cords,  and  his  own  confident 
prediction  that  the  thing  wouldn't  last. 
.  Burlinson  the  auctioneer's  assignment  for  the  benefit  of  his 
creditors,  reminded  him  of  his  dogs,  and  his  gun,  and  his  manor, 
and  his  airified  looks,  and  drew  forth  anathemas  on  Bui'linson  in 
particular,  and  on  pretenders  in  general. 

Then  Mr,  Napier's  announcement  that  Mr.  Draggleton  of 
Rushworth  had  applied  for  a  loan  of  four  thousand  pounds  from 
the  Lands  Improvement  Company  for  draining,  sounded  almost 
like  a  triumph  of  the  Major's  own  principles,  Draggleton  having 
long  derided  the  idea  of  water  getting  into  a  two-inch  pipe  at  a 
depth  of  four  feet,  or  of  draining  doing  any  good. 

And  the  ]\Iajor  chuckled  with  deliglit  at  the  thought  of  seeing 
the  long  pent-up  water  flow  in  pure  continuous  streams  ofi"  the 
saturated  soil,  and  of  the  clear,  wholesome  complexion  the  land 
would  presently  assume.  Then  the  editorial  leader  on  the  state  of 
the  declining  corn  markets,  and  of  field  operations  (cribbed  of 
course  fi'om  the  London  papers)  drew  forth  an  inward  opinion 
that  the  best  thing  for  the  land-owners  would  be  for  corn  to  keep 
low  and  cattle  to  keep  high  for  the  next  dozen  years  or  more,  and 
so  get  the  farmers'  minds  turned  from  the  precarious  culture  of 
corn  to  the  land  -  improving  practice  of  grazing  and  cattle- 
feeding. 

And  thus  the  Major  sat,  deeply  immersed  in  the  contents  of 
each  page  ;  but  as  he  gradually  mastered  the  cream  of  their 
contents,  he  began  to  turn  to  and  fro  more  rapidly  ;  and  as  the 
rustling  increased,  ]\Irs.  Yammerton,  who  was  dying  for  a  sight  of 
the  paper,  at  length  ventured  to  ask  if  there  was  anything  about 
the  Hunt  ball  in  it. 

"  Hunt  ball  I "  growled  the  Major,  who  was  then  in  the  hay  and 
straw  market,  wondering  whether,  out  of  the  twenty-seven  carts  of 
hay  reported  to  have  i»een  at  Hinton  ]\[arket  on  the  previous 
Saturday,  there  were  any  of  his  tenants  there  on  the  sly  ;  "  Hunt 
ball  1  "  repeated  he,  running  the  candle  up  and  down  the  page  ; 
"  No,  there's  nothin'  about  it  here,"  replied  he,  resuming  his 
reading. 

"  It'll  be  on  the  front  page,  my  dear,"  observed  Mrs.  Yam- 
merton, "  if  there  is  anything." 

"  Well,  I'll  give  it  you  presently,"  replied  tlie  ]Major,  resuming 
his  reading  ;  and  so  he  went^  on  into  the  wool  markets,  thence  to 
the  potato  and  hide  departments,  until  at  length  he  found  himself 
floundering  among  the  HoUoway  Pills,  Revalenta  Food,  and 
"  Sincere  act  of  gratitude,"  &c.,  advertisements  ;  when,  turning 
the  paper  over  with  a  wisk,  and  an  inward  "■  What  do  they  put 
such  stuff  as  that  in  for  ? "  he  banded  it  to  bis  wife  :  wliile.  John 


ASK    MAMMA.  337 

Bull  like,  he  now  stood  up,  airing  himself  comfortably  before  the 
fire. 

No  sooner  was  the  paper  fairly  in  Mamma's  hands,  than  there 
was  a  general  rush  of  the  young  ladic'S  to  the  spot,  and  four  pairs 
of  eyes  were  eagerly  glancing  up  and  down  the  columns  of  the 
front  page,  all  in  search  of  the  magical  letter  "  B  "  for  B;ill. 
Education — Fall  in  Night  Lights — Increased  Rate  of  Interest — 
Money  without  Sureties— Iron  and  Brass  Bedsteads — Glenfield 
Starch — Deafness  Cured — German  Yeast — Insolvent  Debtor — 
Elkington's  Spoons —  Boots  and  Shoes, — but,  alas  !  no  Ball. 

"  Yes,  thei-e  it  is  !  No  it  isn't,"  now  cried  Miss  Laura,  as  her 
blue  eye  caught  at  the  heading  of  Mrs.  Bobhinctte  the  milliner's 
advertisement,  in  the  low  corner  of  tlie  page,  Mrs.  Bobbinette, 
like  some  of  her  customers,  perhaps,  not  being  a  capital  payer, 
and  so  getting  a  bad  place.     Thus  it  ran — • 

TTIT-IM    AND     HOLD-IM    SHIRE    HUNT    BALL.— Mi-s. 

-^-'-  Boljbiiiette  begs  to  aiiTionnce  to  tlie  ladies  her  retiiin  from  Piu-i~:. 
with  every  novelty  in  millinery,  mantles,  embroideries,  wreaths,  fans, 
gloves,  kc. 

"  j\Irs.  Bobbinette  be  hanged,"  growled  the  Major,  who  winced 
under  the  very  name  of  milliner  ;  "  just  as  much  goes  to  Paris  as 
I  do.  Last  time  she  was  there  I  know  she  was  never  out  of 
Hinton,  for  Paul  Straddler  watched  her." 

"Well,  but  she  gets  very  ])retty  things  at  all  events,"  replied 
Mrs.  Yammerton,  tliinking  she  would  ]iay  her  a  visit. 

"  Aye,  and  a  pivtty  bill  she'll  send  in  ibr  them,"  I'cplied  tlie 
Major. 

"  "Well,  my  dear,  but  you  must  pay  for  fashion,  you  know," 
rejoined  ALamma. 

"  Pay  for  fashion  I  pay  for  haystacks  I  "  growled  the  IMajor  ; 
"  never  saw  such  balloons  as  the  women  niidce  of  themselves. 
S'pose  we  shall  have  them  as  flat  as  doors  next.  One  extreme 
always  leads  to  another." 

This  di.scussion  was  here  suddenly  internijitcd  by  a  hurried 
"hush!"  from  ]\Iiss  Clara,  Ibllowed  by  a  "  hish  I"  (Vom  Miss 
Flora  ;  and  silence  being  immediately  accorded,  all  cai's  recognised 
a  rumbling  sound  outside  the  hou.sethat  might  have  been  mistaken 
for  wind,  had  it  not  suddenly  ceased  befoi'e  the  duor. 

The  whole  party  was  ]iaralysed  :  each  drawing  hrcath.  ivflecting 
on  his  or  her  peculiar  ])ositi<iu  : — ^Mamma  thinking  of  her  drawing- 
room — ^liss,  of  her  hair — Flora,  of  her  sl(e\"es — Harriet,  of  her 
shabby  shoes — the  ?*Iaj(ir,  (if  his  dinner. 

The  agony  of  suspense  was  speedily  relieved  by  the  grating  of 
an  iron  step  and  a  violent  pull  at  the  door-bell,  producing  ejacula- 


338  ASK    MAMMA. 

tions  of,  "  It  is,  however  !  "  "  Him,  to  a  certainty  !  **  with,  "  I  told 
you  so, — nothing  but  liver  and  bacon  for  dinner,"  from  the 
Major  ;  while  Mrs.  Yammerton,  more  composed,  swept  three  pair 
of  his  grey  worsted  stockings  into  the  well  of  the  ottoman,  and 
covered  the  old  hearth-rug  with  a  fine  new  one  from  the  corner, 
with  a  noble  antlered  stag  in  the  centre.  The  young  ladies 
hurried  out  of  the  room,  each  to  make  a  quick  revise  of  her 
costume. 

The  shock  to  the  nervous  sensibilities  of  the  household  was 
scarcely  less  severe  than  that  experienced  by  the  inmates  of  the 
parlour  ;  and  the  driver  of  the  fly  was  just  going  to  give  the  bell 
a  second  pull,  when  our  friend  of  the  brown  coat  came,  settling 
himself  into  his  garment,  wondering  who  could  be  coming  at  that 
most  extraordinary  hour. 

"  Major  at  home  ?  "  asked  our  hero,  swinging  himself  out  of 
the  vehicle  into  the  passage,  and  without  waiting  for  an  answer, 
he  began  divesting  himself  of  his  mufhn-cap,  cashmere  shawl,  and 
other  wraps. 

He  was  then  ready  for  presentation.  Open  went  the  door. 
"  Mr.  Pringle  I  "  announced  the  still-astonished  footman,  and  host 
and  hostess  advanced  in  the  friendly  emulation  of  cordiality. 
They  were  overjoyed  to  see  him, — as  pleased  as  if  they  had 
received  a  consignment  of  turtle  and  there  was  a  haunch  of 
venison  roasting  before  the  fire.  The  young  ladies  presently  came 
dropping  in  one  by  one,  each  "  so  astonished  to  find  Mr.  Pringle 
there  !  "  Clara  thinking  the  ring  was  from  Mr.  Jinglington,  the 
pianoforte-tuner  ;  Flora,  that  it  was  Mr.  Tightlace's  curate  ;  while 
Harriet  did  not  venture  npon  a  white  lie  at  all. 

Salutations  and  expressions  of  surprise  being  at  length  over,  the 
ladies  presently  turned  the  weather-conversation  upon  Pangburn 
Park,  and  inquired  after  the  sport  with  Sir  Moses,  Billy  being  in 
the  full  glory  of  his  pink  and  slightly  soiled  leathers  and  boots, 
from  which  they  soon  diverged  to  the  Hunt  ball,  about  which  they 
could  not  have  applied  to  any  better  authority  than  our  friend. 
He  knew  all  about  it,  and  poured  forth  the  volume  of  his  informa- 
tion most  freely. 

Though  the  ]\Iajor  talked  about  there  being  nothing  but  liver 
and  bacon  for  dinner,  he  knew  very  well  that  the  very  fact  of 
there  being  liver  and  bacon  bespoke  that  there  was  plenty  of  some- 
thing else  in  the  larder.  In  fact  he  had  killed  a  south-down, — 
not  one  of  your  modern  muttony-lambs,  but  an  honest,  home-fed, 
four-year-old,  with  its  fine  dark  meat  and  rich  gravy  ;  in  addition 
to  which,  there  had  been  some  minor  murders  of  ugly  Cochin- 
China  fowls, — to  say  nothing  of  a  hunted  hare,  hanging  by  the 
heels,  and  several  snipes  and  partridges,  suspended  by  the  neck. 


ASK    MAMMA.  339 

It  is  true,  there  was  no  fish,  for,  despite  the  raih'oad,  Hit-ira  and 
Hold-ira  shire  generally  was  still  badly  supplied  with  fish,  but 
there  was  the  useful  substitute  of  cod-sounds,  and  some  excellent 
mutton-broth  ;  which  latter  is  often  better  than  half  the  soups 
one  gets.  Altogether  there  was  no  cause  for  despondency  ;  but 
the  Major,  having  been  outvoted  on  the  question  of  requiring 
notice  of  our  friend's  return,  of  course  now  felt  bound  to  make  the 
worst  of  the  case — especially  as  the  necessary  arrangements  would 
considerably  retard  his  dinner,  for  which  he  was  quite  ready.  He 
had,  therefore,  to  smile  at  his  guest,  and  snarl  at  his  family,  at 
one  and  the  same  time. — Delighted  to  see  I\Ir.  Pringle  back. — 
Disgusted  at  his  coming  on  a  Saturday. — Hoped  our  hero  was 
hungry, — Could  answer  for  it,  he  was  himself, — with  a  look  at 
llailam,  as  much  as  to  say,  "Come,  you  go  and  see  about  things 
and  don't  sbmd  simpering  there." 

But  Billy,  who  had  eaten  a  pretty  hearty  lunch  at  Pangburn 
Paik.  had  not  got  jolted  back  into  an  appetite  by  his  transit 
through  the  country,  and  did  not  enter  into  the  feelings  of  his 
half-i'amished  host.  A  man  who  has  had  half  his  dinner  in  the 
shape  of  a  lunch,  is  far  more  than  a  match  for  one  who  has  fasted 
since  breakfast,  and  our  friend  chatted  first  with  one  young  lady, 
and  then  with  anotlier,  with  an  occasional  word  at  Mamma, 
delighted  to  get  vent  for  his  long  pent-up  flummery.  He  was 
indeed  most  agreeable. 

Meanwhile  the  Major  was  in  and  out  of  the  room,  growling  and 
getting  into  everybody's  way,  retarding  progress  by  his  anxiety  to 
hurry  things  on. 

At  length  it  was  announced  that  Mr.  Pringle's  room  was  ready; 
and  forthwith  the  Major  lit  him  a  candle,  and  hurried  him  up- 
stairs, where  his  uncorded  boxes  stood  ready  fur  the  opening  keys 
of  ownership. 

"  Ah,  there  you  are  !  "  cried  the  Major,  flourishing  the  composite 
candle  about  them  ;  "  there  you  are  !  needn't  mind  much  dressing 
— only  ourselves — only  ourselves.  There's  the  boot-jack, — here's 
some  hot  water, — and  we'll  have  dinner  as  soon  as  ever  you  are 
ready."  So  saying,  he  placed  the  candle  on  the  much  be-muslined 
toile"tte-tal)le,  and,  diving  into  his  ])ocket  for  the  key  of  the  cellar, 
hurried  olf  to  make  the  iinal  arrangement  of  a  feast. 

Our  friend,  however,  who  was  always  a  dawdling  leisurely 
gentleman,  took  very  little  heed  of  his  host's  injunctions,  and 
proceeded  to  unlock  and  open  his  boxes  as  if  he  was  going  to 
dress  for  a  ball  instead  of  a  dinner  ;  and  the  whole  party  being 
reassembled,  many  were  the  Major's  speculations  and  enquiries 
**  what  could  he  be  about  ?  "  "  must  have  gone  to  bed,"  "  would 
go  up  and  sec,"  ere  the  glad  sound  of  his  opening  d(jor  announced 


840  ASK    MAMMA. 

that  he  might  be  expected.  And  before  he  descended  a  single 
step  of  the  staircase  the  Major  gave  the  bell  such  a  pull  as 
proclaimed  most  volubly  the  intensity  of  his  feelings.  The  ladies 
of  course  were  shocked,  but  a  hungry  man  is  bad  to  hold,  and 
there  is  no  saying  but  the  long-pealing  tongue  of  the  bell  saved 
an  explosion  of  the  Major's.  At  all  events  when  our  friend  came 
sauntering  into  the  now  illuminated  drawing-room,  the  Major 
gi-eeted  him  with,  "  Heard  you  coming,  raug  the  bell,  knew  you'd 
be  hungry,  long  drive  from  Sir  Moses's  here  ;  "  to  which  Billy 
drawled  a  characteristic  "  Yarse,"  as  he  extinguished  his  candle 
and  proceeded  to  ingratiate  himself  with  the  now  elegantly  attired 
ladies,  looking  more  lovely  from  his  recent  restriction  to  the  male 
sex. 

The  furious  peal  of  the  bell  had  answered  its  purpose,  for  he 
had  scarcely  got  the  beauties  looked  over,  and  settled  in  bis  own 
mind  that  it  was  difficult  to  say  which  was  the  prettiest,  ere  the 
door  opened,  the  long-postponed  dinner  was  announced  to  be  on 
the  table,  and  the  Major,  having  blown  out  the  composites,  gladly 
followed  the  ladies  to  the  scene  of  action. 

And  his  host  being  too  hungry  to  waste  his  time  in  apologies 
for  the  absence  of  this  and  that,  and  the  footboy  having  plenty  to 
do  without  giving  the  dishes  superfluous  airings,  and  the  goose- 
berry champagne  being  both  lively  and  cool,  the  dinner  passed  otf 
as  pleasantly  as  a  luncheon,  which  is  generally  allowed  to  be  the 
most  agreeable  sociable  meal  of  the  day,  simply  because  of  the 
absence  of  all  fuss  and  pretension.  And  by  the  time  the  Major 
had  got  to  the  cheese,  he  found  his  temper  considerably  improved. 
Indeed,  so  rapidly  did  his  spirits  rise,  that  before  the  cloth  was 
withdrawn  he  had  well-nigh  silenced  all  the  ladies,  with  his 
marvellous  haryers, — five  and  thirty  years  master  of  haryers  with- 
out a  subscription, — and  as  soon  as  he  got  the  room  cleared,  he 
inflicted  the  whole  hunt  upon  Billy  that  he  had  written  to  him 
about,  an  account  of  which  he  had  in  vain  tried  to  get  inserted  in 
the  Featherbedfordshire  Gazette,  through  the  medium  of  old 
"Wotherspoon,  who  had  copied  it  out  and  signed  himself  "  A 
Delighted  Stranger."  Dorsay  Davis,  however,  knew  his  cramped 
handwriting,  and  put  his  manuscript  into  the  fire,  observing  in 
his  notice  to  corresjiondents  that  "  A  Delighted  Stranger  "  had 
better  send  his  currant  jelly  contributions  to  grandmamma,  mean- 
ing the  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  Herald.  So  our  friend  was 
victimised  into  a  viva  voce  account  of  this  marvellous  chase, 
beginning  at  Conksbury  corner  and  the  flight  up  to  Foremark 
Hill  and  down  over  the  water  meadows  to  Dove-dale  Green,  &c,, 
interspersed  with  digressions  and  explanations  of  the  wonderful 
performance  of  the  particular  membei"s   of  the  pack,  until  he 


A8R    MAMMA.  341 

scarcely  knew  whether  a  real  run  or  the  recital  of  one  was  the 
most  formidable.  At  length  the  Major,  having  talked  himself 
into  a  state  of  excitement,  without  making  any  apparent  impres- 
sion on  his  guest's  obdurate  understanding,  proposed  as  a  toast 
**  The  Merry  Haryers,"  and  intimated  that  tea  was  ready  in  the 
drawing  room,  thinking  he  never  had  so  phlegmatic  an  auditor 
before.  Very  different,  however,  was  his  conduct  amid  the  general 
conversation  of  the  ladies,  who  thought  him  just  as  agreeable  as 
the  Major  thought  him  the  contrary.  And  they  were  all  quite 
surprised  when  the  clock  struck  eleven,  and  declared  they  thought 
it  could  only  be  ten,  except  the  Major,  who  knew  the  odd  hour 
had  been  lost  in  preparing  the  dinner.  So  he  moved  an  adjourn- 
ment, and  proclaimed  that  they  would  breakfast  at  nine,  which 
would  enable  them  to  get  to  church  in  good  time.  Whereupon 
mutual  good-nights  were  exchanged,  our  friend  was  furnished 
with  a  flat  candlestick,  and  the  elder  sisters  retired  to  talk  him 
over  in  their  own  room  ;  for  however  long  ladies  may  be  together 
during  the  day,  thei-e  is  always  a  great  balance  of  conversation  to 
dispose  of  at  last,  and  so  the  two  chatted  and  talked  until  mid- 
night. 

Next  morning  they  all  appeared  in  looped-up  dresses,  showing 
the  party-coloured  petticoats  of  the  prevailing  fasliion,  which 
looked  extremely  pretty,  and  were  all  very  well — a  great  improve- 
ment on  the  draggletails — until  they  came  to  get  into  the  coach, 
when  it  was  found,  that  large  as  the  vehicle  was,  it  was  utterly 
inadequate  for  their  accommodation.  Indeed  the  door  seemed 
ludicrously  insufficient  for  the  ingress,  and  i\fiss  Clara  turned 
round  and  round  like  a  peacock  contending  with  the  wind, 
undecided  which  way  to  make  the  attempt.  At  last  she  chose  a 
bold  sideways  dash,  and  entered  with  a  squeeze  of  the  petticoat, 
which  suddenly  expanded  into  its  original  size,  but  when  the 
sisters  had  followed  her  example  there  was  no  room  for  the  Major, 
nor  would  there  have  been  any  for  our  hero  had  not  Mamma  been 
satisfied  with  her  own  natural  size,  and  so  leic  space  to  squeeze 
him  in  between  herself  and  the  fair  Clara.  The  IMajor  then  had 
to  mount  tlie  coach  box  beside  oV\  Solomon,  and  went  growling 
and  grumbling  along  at  the  exti-avagances  of  fashion,  and  wonder- 
ing what  the  deuce  those  ])etticoats  would  cost.  He  was  presently 
comforted  by  seeing  two  similar  ones  circling  over  the  road  in 
advance,  wliich  on  overtaking  ])roved  to  contain  the  elegant  Miss 
Bushels,  daughters  of  his  hind  at  Bunnyrigs  farm,  whereupon  he 
made  a  mental  resolution  to  reduce  Bushel's  wages  a  shilling  a 
week  at  least. 

I'his  speedy  influx  of  fashion  and  abundance  of  cheap  tawdry 
finery  has  well  nigh  destroyed  the  primitive  simplicity  of  country 


342  ASK    31 A  MM  A. 

churches.  The  housemaid  now  dresses  better  —  finer  at  all 
events — than  her  mistress  did  twenty  years  ago,  and  it  is  almost 
impossible  to  recognise  working  people  when  in  their  Sunday 
dresses.  Gauze  bonnets,  Marabout  feathers,  lace  scarfs,  and 
silk  gowns  usurp  the  place  of  straw  and  cotton  print,  while  lace- 
fringed  kerchiefs  are  flourished  by  those  whose  parents  scarcely 
knew  what  a  pocket-handkerchief  was.  There  is  a  medium 
in  all  things,  but  this  mania  for  dress  has  got  far  beyond  the 
bounds  of  either  prudence  or  propriety  ;  and  we  think  the  Major's 
recipe  for  reducing  it  is  by  no  means  a  bad  one. 

We  need  scarcely  say,  that  our  hero's  appearance  at  church 
caused  no  small  sensation  in  a  neighbourhood  where  the  demand 
for  gossip  was  far  in  excess  of  the  supply.  Indeed,  we  fear  many 
fair  ladies'  eyes  were  oftener  directed  to  Major  Yammerton's  pew 
than  to  the  Reverend  Mr.  Tightlace  in  the  pulpit.  Wonderful 
were  the  stories  and  exaggerations  that  ensued,  people  always 
being  on  the  running-up  tack  until  a  match  is  settled,  after  which, 
of  course,  they  assume  the  running-down  one,  pitying  one  or  other 
victim  extremely — wouldn't  be  him  or  her  for  anything — Mr. 
Tightlace  thought  any  of  the  young  ladies  might  do  better  than 
marry  a  mere  fox-hunter,  though  we  are  sorry  to  add  that  the  fox- 
hunter  was  far  more  talked  of  than  the  sermon.  The  general 
opinion  seemed  to  be  that  our  hero  had  been  away  preparing  that 
dread  document,  the  proposals  for  a  settlement  ;  and  there  seemed 
to  be  very  little  doubt  that  there  would  be  an  announcement  of 
some  sort  in  a  day  or  two — especially  when  our  friend  was  seen  to 
get  into  the  carriage  after  the  gay  petticoats,  and  the  little  Major 
to  remount  the  box  seat. 

And  when  at  the  accustomed  stable  stroll  our  master  of  haryers 
found  the  gallant  grey  standing  m  the  place  of  the  bay,  he  was 
much  astonished,  and  not  a  little  shocked  to  learn  the  sad  cata- 
strophe that  had  befallen  the  bay. 

"Well,  he  never  heard  anything  like  that ! — dead!  What,  do 
you  mean  to  say  he  absolutely  died  on  your  hands  without  any 
apparent  cause  ? "  demanded  the  IMajor  ;  ^'  must  have  been 
poisont-d  surely  ; "  and  he  ran  about  telHng  everybody,  and  making 
as  much  to  do  as  if  the  horse  had  still  been  his  own.  He  then 
applied  himself  to  finding  out  how  Billy  came  by  the  grey,  and 
was  greatly  surprised  to  learn  that  Sir  Moses  had  given  it  him. 
"  Well,  that  was  queer,"  thought  he,  "  wouldn't  have  accused 
him  of  that."  And  he  thought  of  the  gift  of  Little  Bo-peep,  and 
wondered  whether  this  gift  was  of  the  same  order. 


BU 


ASK    MAMMA  S43 

CHAPTER    LI. 

MONEY   AND   MATRIMONY. 

MoNKT  and  mntrimony  !  what  a  fine  taking  title  !  If  that 
does  not  attract  readers,  we  don't  know  wiiat  will.  Money  and 
matrimony !  how  different,  yet  how  essentially  combined,  how 
intimately  blended  !  "  No  money,  no  matrimony,"  might  almost 
be  written  above  some  doors.  Certainly  money  is  an  essential,  but 
not  so  absorbing  an  essential  as  some  people  make  it.  Beyond 
the  expenditure  necessary  for  a  certain  establishment,  a  woman  is 
seldom  much  the  better  for  her  husband's  inordinate  wealth.  We 
have  seen  the  wife  of  a  reputed  millionaire  no  better  done  by  than 
that  of  a  country  squire. 

Mr.  Prospero  Plutus  may  gild  his  coach  and  his  harness,  and 
his  horses  too,  if  he  likes,  but  all  the  lacker  in  the  world  will  not 
advance  him  a  step  in  society  ;  therefore,  what  can  he  do  with  his 
surplus  cash  but  carry  it  to  the  "  reserve  fund,"  as  some  Joint- 
Stock  Bankers  pretend  to  do.  Still  there  is  a  money-worship 
among  us,  that  is  not  even  confined  to  the  opposite  sex,  but 
breaks  out  in  veneration  among  men,  just  as  if  one  man  having 
half  a  million  or  a  million  pieces  of  gold  could  be  of  any  advantage 
to  another  man,  who  only  knows  the  rich  man  to  say  "  How  d'ye 
do  ?  "  to.  A  clever  foreigner,  who  came  to  this  country  some 
years  ago  for  the  honestly  avowed  purpose  of  marrying  an  heiress, 
used  to  exclaim,  when  any  one  told  him  that  another  man  had  so 
many  thousands  a  year,  "  Veil,  my  good  friend,  vot  for  that  to 
me  ?  I  cannot  go  for  be  marry  to  him  ! "  and  we  never  hear  a 
man  recommended  to  another  man  for  his  wealth  alone,  without 
thinking  of  our  foreign  friend.  What  earthly  good  can  Plutus's 
money  do  us  ?  We  can  safely  say,  we  never  knew  a  rich  man 
who  was  not  uncommonly  well  able  to  take  care  of  his  cash.  It  is 
your  poor  men  who  are  easy  about  money.  To  tell  a  young  lady 
that  a  young  gentleman  has  so  many  thousands  a  year  is  very 
different ;  and  this  observation  leads  us  to  say,  that  people  who 
think  they  do  a  young  man  a  kindness  by  exaggerating  his  means 
or  expectations,  are  greatly  mistaken.  On  the  contrary,  they  do 
him  an  injury  ;  for,  sooner  or  later,  the  lawyers  know  everything, 
and  disappointment  and  vexation  is  the  result. 

Since  our  friend  Warren  wrote  his  admirable  novel,  "  Ten 
Thousand  a  Year,"  that  sum  has  become  the  fashionable  income 
for  exaggerators.  Nobody  that  has  anything  a  year  has  less, 
though  we  all  know  how  difficult  a  sum  it  is  to  realise,  and  how 
impossible  it  is  to  extract  a  five-pound  note,  or  even  a  sovereign. 


344  ASR    MAMMA, 

from  the  pockets  of  people  who  talk  of  it  as  a  mere  bagatelle. 
This  money  mania  has  increased  amazingly  within  the  last  few 
years,  aided,  no  doubt,  by  the  gigantic  sums  the  Joint-Stock  Banks 
have  enabled  penniless  people  to  "go"  for. 

When  Wainwright,  the  first  of  the  assurance  office  defrauders 
by  poison,  was  in  prison,  he  said  to  a  person  who  called  upon  him, 
"  You  see  with  what  respect  they  treat  me.  They  don't  set  me  to 
make  my  bed,  or  sweep  the  yard,  like  those  fellows,"  pointing  to 
his  brother  prisoners  ;  "  no,  they  treat  me  like  a  gentleman. 
They  think  I'm  in  for  ten  thousand  pounds."  Ten  thousand 
pounds  !  What  would  ten  thousand  pounds  be  nowadays,  when 
men  speculate  to  the  extent  of  a  quarter  or  may  be  half  a 
million  of  money  ?  Why  Wainwright  would  have  had  to  clean 
out  the  whole  prison  on  the  present  scale  of  money  delinquency. 
A  hundred  thousand  pounder  is  quite  a  common  fellow,  hardly 
worth  speaking  of.  There  was  a  time  when  the  greediest 
man  was  contented  with  his  plum.  Now  the  cry  is  "More! 
more!"  until  some  fine  morning  the  crier  is  "no  more" 
himself. 

This  money-craving  and  boasting  is  all  bad.  It  deceives  young 
men,  and  drives  those  of  moderate  income  into  the  London  clubs, 
instead  of  their  marrying  and  settling  quietly  as  their  fathers  did 
before  them.  They  hear  of  nothing  but  thousands  and  tens  of 
thousands  until  they  almost  believe  in  the  reality,  and  are  ashamed 
to  encounter  the  confessional  stool  of  the  lawyers,  albeit  they  may 
have  as  much  as  with  prudence  and  management  would  make 
married  life  comfortable.  Boasting  and  exaggeration  also  greatly 
misleads  and  disappoints  anxious  "Mammas,"  all  ready  to 
believe  whatever  they  like,  causing  very  likely  promising  specula- 
tions to  be  abandoned  in  favour  of  what  turn  out  great  deal  worse 
ventures.  Only  let  a  young  mau  be  disengaged,  professionally  and 
bodily,  and  some  one  or  other  will  be  sure  to  invest  him  with  a 
fortune,  or  with  surprising  expectations  from  an  uncle,  an  aunt,  or 
other  near  relation.  It  is  surprising  how  fond  people  are  of 
fanning  the  flame  of  a  match,  and  how  they  will  talk  about  what 
they  really  know  nothing,  until  an  unfortunate  youth  almost 
appears  to  participate  in  their  exaggerations.  Could  some  of  these 
Leviathans  of  fortune  know  the  fabulous  £  s.  d.  colours  under 
which  they  have  sailed,  they  would  be  wonderfully  astonished  at 
the  extent  of  their  innocent  imposture.  Yet  they  were  not  to 
blame  because  people  said  they  had  ten  thousand  a  year,  were 
richest  commoners  in  fact.  Many  would  then  undei-stand  much 
unexplained  pohteness,  and  appreciate  its  disinterestedness  at  its 
truo  value.  Captain  Quaver  would  see  why  Mrs.  Sunnybrow  waa 
Hu  anxious  that  he  should   hear  Matilda  sing  ;  Mr.  Grist  wl.y 


ASK    MAMMA.  345 

Mrs.  Snubwell  manoeuvred  to  get  him  next  Bridget  at  dinner ; 
and  perhaps  our  "  Richest  Commoner  "  why  Mrs.  Yammerton  was 
80  glad  to  see  him  back  at  the  Grange. 


CHAPTER    LII. 

A   NIGHT   DRIVE. 


People  who  travel  in  the  winter  should  remember  it  isn't 
summer,  and  time  themselves  accordingly.  Sir  Moses  was  so 
anxious  to  see  Monsieur  Rougier  off  the  premises,  in  order  to  stop 
any  extra  hospitality,  that  he  delayed  starting  for  Lundyfoote 
Castle  until  he  saw  him  fairly  mounted  on  the  gift  grey  and  out  of 
the  stable-yard ;  he  then  had  the  mare  put  to  the  dog-cart,  and 
tried  to  make  up  for  lost  time  by  extra  speed  Upon  the  road. 
But  winter  is  an  unfavourable  season  for  expedition  ;  if  highways 
are  improving,  turnpikes  are  getting  neglected,  save  in  the  matter 
of  drawing  the  officers'  sinecure  salaries,  and,  generally  speaking, 
the  nearer  a  turnpike  is  to  a  railway,  the  worse  the  turnpike  is,  as 
if  to  show  the  wonderful  advantage  of  the  former.  So  Sir  Moses 
went  flipping  and  flopping,  and  jipping  and  jerking,  through 
Bedland  and  Hawksworth  and  Washingley-field,  but  scarcely 
reached  the  confines  of  his  country  when  he  ought  to  have  hccu 
nearing  the  Castle.  It  was  nearly  four  o'clock  by  the  gi-eat  gilt- 
lettered  clock  on  the  diminutive  church  in  the  pretty  viHage  of 
Tidswell,  situated  on  the  banks  of  the  sparkling  Lune,  Avhen  he 
pulled  up  at  tlie  sign  of  the  Hold-away  Ilarriers  to  get  his  mare 
watered  and  fed.  It  is  at  these  sort  of  places  that  tiie  traveller 
gets  the  full  benefit  of  country  slowness  and  stupidity.  Instead  of 
the  quick  ostler,  stepping  smartly  up  to  his  horse's  head  as  he 
reins  up,  there  is  generally  a  hunt  through  the  village  for  old 
Tom,  or  young  Joe,  or  some  worthy  who  is  cither  too  old  or  too 
idle  to  work.  In  this  case  it  was  old  bow-legged,  wiiy  Tom 
Brown,  whose  long  experience  of  the  road  did  not  enable  him  to 
anticipate  a  person's  wants  ;  so  after  a  good  stare  at  the  driver, 
whom  at  first  he  thought  was  IMr.  ^leggison,  the  exciseman  ;  then 
Mr.  Puncheon,  the  brewer  ;  and  lastly,  IMr.  Mossman,  Lord 
Polkaton's  ruler  ;  he  asked,  with  a  bewildered  scratch  of  his  head, 
"  Wiiat,  de  ye  want  her  put  oop  ?  " 

"  Oop?  yes,"  replied  Sir  i^loses  ;  "  what  d'ye  think  I'm  stopping 
for  ?  Look  alive  ;  that's  a  good  fellow,"  added  he,  throwing  him 
:he  reins,  as  he  prepared  to  descend  from  tlie  vehicle. 

"  Oh,  it's  you,  Sir  Moses,  is  it,"  rejoined  the  now  enlightened 


346  ASK    MAMMA. 

patriarch,  "  I  didn't  know  you  without  your  red  coat  and  cap  ; " 
80  saying,  he  began  to  fumble  at  tlic  harness,  and,  with  the  aid  of 
the  Baronet,  presently  had  the  mare  out  of  the  shafts.  It  then 
occurred  to  the  old  gentleman  that  he  had  forgotten  the  key  of  the 
stable.  "  A  sink,"  said  he,  with  a  dash  of  his  disengaged  hand, 
"  I've  left  the  key  i'  the  pocket  o'  mar  coat,  down  i'  Willy  Wood's 
shop,  when  ar  was  helpin'  to  kill  a  pig — run,  lad,  doon  to  Willy 
AYood,"  said  he  to  a  staring  by-standing  boy,  "  and  get  me  mar 
coat  ;"  adding  to  Sir  Moses,  as  the  lad  slunk  unwillingly  away, 
"  he'll  be  back  directly  wi'  it."  So  saying,  he  proceeded  to  lead 
the  mare  round  to  the  stable  at  the  back  of  the  house. 

When  the  coat  came,  then  there  was  no  pail  ;  and  when  they 
got  a  pail,  then  the  pump  had  gone  dry  ;  and  when  they  got  some 
water  from  the  well,  then  the  corn  had  to  be  brought  from  the  top 
of  the  house  ;  so,  what  with  one  delay  and  another,  day  was  about 
done  before  Sir  Moses  got  the  mare  out  of  the  stable  again. 
Night  comes  rapidly  on  in  the  short  winter  months,  and  as  Sir 
Moses  looked  at  the  old-fashioned  I'oad  leading  over  the  steepest 
part  of  the  opposite  hill,  he  wished  he  was  well  on  the  far  side  of 
it.  He  then  examined  his  lamps,  and  found  there  were  no  candles 
in  them,  just  as  he  remembered  that  he  had  never  been  to  Lundy- 
foote  Castle  on  wheels,  the  few  expeditions  he  had  made  there 
having  been  performed  on  horseback,  by  those  nicks  and  cuts  that 
fox-hunters  are  so  famous  at  making  and  finding.  "  Ord  dom  it," 
said  he  to  himself,  "  I  shall  be  getting  benighted.  Tell  me,"  con- 
tinued he,  addressing  the  old  ostler,  '•  do  I  go  by  j\Iarshfield  and 
Hen  grove,  or " 

"  No,  no,  you've  ne  business  at  noughfcer  Marshfield  nor  Hen- 
grove,"  interrupted  the  sage  ;  "  veer  way  is  straight  oop  to  Crow- 
field-hall  and  Roundhill-green,  then  to  Brackley  !Moor  and  Belton, 
and  so  on  into  the  Sandywell-road  at  Langley.  But  if  ar  were  you," 
continued  he,  beginning  to  make  confusion  worse  confounded,  "  ar 
would  just  gan  tln'ongh  Squire  Patterson's  Park  here,"  jerking 
his  thumb  to  the  left  to  indicate  the  direction  in  which  it  lay. 

"  Is  it  shorter  ? "  demanded  Sir  Moses,  re-ascending  the 
vehicle. 

"  W-h-o-y  no,  it's  not  shorter,"  replied  the  man,  "but  it's  a  better 
road  rayther — less  agin  collar-like.  When  ye  get  to  the  new  lodge 
ye  mun  mind  turn  to  the  right,  and  keep  AVliitecliffe  Law  to  the 
left,  and  Lidney  Mill  to  the  right,  you  tiien  pass  Shunlow  tilery, 
and  make  straight  for  Roundhill  Green,  and  Brackley  ■\Ioor,  and 
then  on  to  Belton,  as  ar  tell'd  ye  afoor — ^ye  can't  miss  yeer  way," 
added  he,  thinking  he  could  go  it  in  the  dark  himself. 

"Can't  I?"  replied  Sir  Moses,  drawing  the  reins.  He  then 
chucked  the  man  a  shilling,  and  touching  the  mare  with  the  point 


ASK    MAM  31  A.  347 

bf  the  whip,  trotted  across  the  bridge  over  the  Lune,  and  was 
speedily  brought  up  at  a  toll-bar  on  the  far  side. 

It  seems  to  be  one  of  the  ordinances  of  country  life,  that  the 
more  toll  a  man  pays  the  worse  road  he  gets,  and  Sir  Moses  had 
scarcely  parted  with  his  sixpence  ere  the  sound  running  turn])ike 
which  tempted  him  past  Squire  Patterson's  lodge,  ran  out  into  a 
loose,  river-stoned  track,  that  grew  worse  and  worse  the  higher  he 
ascended  the  hill.  In  vain  he  hissed,  and  jerked,  and  jagged  at 
the  mare.  The  wheels  revolved  as  if  they  were  going  through 
sea-sand.     She  couldn't  go  any  faster. 

It  is  labour  and  sorrow  travelling  on  wheels,  with  a  light  horse 
and  a  heavy  load,  on  woolly  winter  roads,  especially  under  the 
depressing  influence  of  declining  day — when  a  gorgeous  sunset 
has  no  charms.  It  is  then  that  the  value  of  the  hissing,  hill- 
rounding,  plain-scudding  railway  is  appreciated.  The  worst  line 
that  ever  was  constructed,  even  one  with  goods,  passengers,  and 
minerals  all  mixed  in  one  train,  is  fifty  times  better  than  one 
of  these  ploughing,  sobbing,  heart-breaking  drives.  So  thought 
Sir  Moses,  as,  whip  in  hand,  he  alighted  from  tbe  vehicle  to  ease 
the  mare  up  the  steep  hill,  which  now  ran  parallel  with  Mr.  Patter- 
son's rather  indillcrent  park  wall. 

What  a  commentary  on  consequence  a  drive  across  country 
affords,  One  sees  life  in  all  its  phases — Cottage,  House,  Grange, 
*'  Imperial  John  "  Hall,  Park,  Tower,  Castle,  &c.  The  wall,  how- 
ever, is  the  true  index  of  the  whole.  Show  me  your  wall  and  I'll 
tell  you  what  you  have.  There  is  the  five  hundrcfl — by  courtesy, 
thousand — a  year  wall,  built  of  common  stone,  well  embedded  in 
mortar,  extending  only  a  few  yards  on  either  side  of  the  lodgeless 
green  gate.  The  thousand — by  courtesy,  fifteen  hundred — a  year 
wall,  made  of  the  same  material,  only  the  mortar  ceases  at  the  first 
convenient  bend  of  the  road,  and  the  mortared  round  co])ing  of  the 
top  is  afterwards  all  that  holds  it  together.  Tlien  there  is  the 
aspiring  block  and  course  wall,  leading  away  with  a  sweep  from 
either  side  of  a  handsome  gateway,  but  suddenly  terminating  in 
hedges.  The  still  further  continued  wall,  with  an  abrupt  juncture 
in  split  oak  paling,  that  looks  as  if  it  had  been  suddenly  nipped 
by  a  want-of-cash  i'rost.  We  then  get  to  the  more  successful  all- 
round-the-park  alike  efforts  of  four  or  five  thousand  a -year — the 
still  more  solid  masonry  and  ornamental  work  of  "Ten  I'housand 
a  Year,"  a  Warren  wall  in  fact,  until  at  length  we  come  to  one  so 
strong  and  so  high,  that  none  but  a  man  on  a  laden  wain  can  see 
over  it,  which  of  course  denotes  a  Ducal  residence,  with  fifty  or  a 
hundred  thousand  a  year.  In  like  manner,  a  drive  across  country 
enables  a  man  to  pick  up  information  without  the  trouble  of 
ftsking  for  it. 


348  ASK    MA  31  MA. 

The  board  against  the  tree  at  the  corner  of  the  larch  plantation, 
stating  that  "  Any  one  trespassing  on  these  grounds,  the  property 
of  A.  B.  C.  Sowerby,  Esq.,  will,  &c.,  with  the  utmost,  &c.,"  enables 
one  to  jump  to  the  conclusion  that  the  Westmoreland-slated  roof 
we  see  peering  among  the  eagle-winged  cedars  and  luxuriant 
Scotch  firs  on  the  green  slope  to  the  left,  is  the  residence  of  said 
Sowerby,  who  doesn't  like  to  be  trespassed  upon.  A  quick-eyed 
land-agent  would  then  trace  the  boundaries  of  the  Sowerby  estate 
from  the  rising  ground,  either  by  the  size  of  its  trees,  its  natural 
sterility,  or  by  the  rough,  gateless  fences,  where  it  adjoins  the 
neighbouring  proprietors. 

Again,  the  sign  of  the  Smith  Arms  at  a  wayside  public-house, 
denotes  that  some  member  of  that  illustrious  family  either  lives  or 
has  property  in  that  immediate  neighbourhood,  and  as  everybody 
has  a  friend  Smith,  we  naturally  set  about  thinking  whether  it  is 
our  friend  Smith  or  not.  So  a  nobleman's  coronet  surmounting 
his  many-quartered  coat-of-arms,  suggests  that  the  traveller  is  in 
the  neighbourhood  of  magnificence  ;  and  if  his  appearance  is  at 
all  in  his  favour,  he  will,  perhaps,  come  in  for  a  touch,  or  a  demi- 
touch,  of  the  hat  from  the  passers-by,  the  process  being  almost 
mechanical  in  aristoci'atic  parts.  A  board  at  a  branch  road 
with  the  words  "  To  Lavender  Lodge  only,"  saves  one  the  trouble 
of  asking  the  name  of  the  place  towards  which  we  see  the  road 
bending,  while  a  great  deal  of  curious  nomenclature  may  be  gleaned 
from  shop-fronts,  inn-signs,  and  cart- shafts. 

But  we  are  leaving  Sir  Moses  toiling  up  the  hill  alongside  of  his 
dog-cart,  looking  now  at  his  watch,  now  at  his  jaded  mare,  now 
at  Mr.  Patterson's  fragile  park  wall,  thinking  how  he  would  send 
it  over  with  his  shoulder  if  he  came  to  it  out  hunting.  The 
wall  was  at  length  abruptly  terminated  by  a  cross-road  intersecting 
the  hill  along  a  favourable  fall  of  the  ground,  about  the  middle  of 
it,  and  the  mare  and  Sir  Moses  mutually  stopped,  the  former  to 
ease  herself  on  the  piece  of  level  ground  at  the  junction,  the 
latter  to  consider  whether  his  course  was  up  the  hill  or  along  the 
more  inviting  line  to  the  left. 

"  Marshfield,"  muttered  he  to  himself,  "  is  surely  that  way,  but 
then  that  old  bufter  said  I  had  no  business  at  ^Marshfield.  Dom 
the  old  man,"  continued  he,  "  I  wish  I'd  never  asked  him  any- 
thing about  it,  for  he  has  completely  bewildered  me,  and  I 
believe  I  could  have  found  my  way  better  without." 

So  saying,  Sir  !Moses  reconnoitered  the  scene  ;  the  balance  of  tlie 
fat  hiU  in  front,  with  the  drab-coloured  road  going  straight  up 
the  steepest  part  of  it,  the  diverging  lines  either  way  ;  above  all, 
the  fast  closing  canopy  around.  Across  the  road,  to  the  right, 
was  a  paintlesi:,  weather-beaten  finger-post,  and  though  our  friend 


ASK    MA^TMA.  349 

Baw  it  had  lost  two  of  its  arms,  he  yet  thought  the  remaining 
ones  might  give  him  some  information.  Accordingly,  he  went 
over  to  consult  it.  Not  a  word,  no,  not  a  letter  was  legible. 
There  were  some  upright  marks,  but  what  they  had  stood  for  it  was 
impossible  to  decipher.  Sir  Moses  was  nonplussed.  Just  at 
this  critical  moment,  a  rumbling  sound  proceeded  from  below, 
and  looking  down  the  hill,  a  grey  speck  loomed  in  the  distance, 
followed  by  a  darker  one  a  little  behind.  This  was  consoling  ; 
for  those  who  know  how  soon  an  agricultural  country  becomes 
quiet  after  once  the  labourers  go  to  their  homes  can  appreciate  the 
boon  of  any  stirrers. 

Still  the  carts  came  very  slowly,  and  the  quick  falling  shades  of 
night  travelled  faster  than  they.  Sir  Moses  stood  listening 
anxiously  to  their  jolting  noises,  thinking  they  would  never  come 
up.  At  the  same  time,  he  kept  a  sharp  eye  on  the  cross-road,  to 
intercept  any  one  passing  that  way.  A  tinker,  a  poacher,  a  mugger, 
the  veriest  scamp,  would  have  been  welcome,  so  long  as  he  knew 
the  country.  No  one,  however,  came  along.  It  was  an  unfre- 
quented line  ;  and  old  Gilbert  Price,  who  worked  by  the  day, 
always  retired  from  raking  in  the  mud  ruts  on  the  approach  of 
evening.  So  Sir  Moses  stood  staring  and  listening,  tapping  his 
boot  with  his  whip,  as  he  watched  the  zig-zag  course  of  the  grey 
up  the  hill.  He  seemed  a  good  puller,  and  to  understand  his  work, 
for  as  yet  no  guiding  voice  had  been  heard.  Periiaps  the  man  was 
behind.  As  there  is  always  a  stout  pull  just  before  a  resting-place, 
the  grey  now  came  to  a  pause,  to  collect  his  energies  for  the 
effort. 

Sir  Moses  looked  at  his  mare,  and  then  at  the  carts  halting  below, 
wondering  whether  if  he  left  her  she  would  take  off.  Just  as  he 
determined  to  risk  it,  the  grey  applied  himself  vigorously  to  the 
collar,  and  with  a  grinding,  ploughing  rush,  came  up  to  where  Sir 
Moses  stood. 

The  cart  was  empty,  but  tliere  was  a  sack-like  thing,  with  a 
wide-awake  hat  on  the  top,  rolling  in  the  one  behind. 

"Holloo,  my  nuui  !"  shouted  Sir  !Mosts,  with  the  voice  of  a 
Stentor. 

Tiie  wide-awake  nicroly  nodded  to  the  motion  of  the  cart. 

"  lldlloo,  1  say  /"  roared  he,  still  louder. 

An  extended  arm  was  thrown  over  the  side  of  the  cart,  and  the 
wide-awake  again  nodded  as  before. 

"The  beggar's  asleep!"  nuittrrcd  Sir  jMoscs,  taking  the 
butt-cud  of  his  whij\  and  poking  the  somnambulist  severely  in  the 
stomach. 

A  loud  grunt,  and  with  a  strong  smell  of  gin,  as  the  monster 
(■''lanL^ed  his  position,  was  :dl  that  answered  the  appeal. 


350  ASK    MAMMA. 

"  The  brute's  drunk,"  gasped  Sir  Moses,  indignant  at  having 
wasted  so  much  time  in  waiting  for  him. 

The  sober  grey  then  made  a  well-rounded  tura  (o  tho  ri;;ht, 
followed  by  the  one  in  the  rear,  leaving  our  friend  envelo)iwl  in 
many  more  shades  of  darkness  than  he  was  when  lie  first  (inncfied 
him  coming.  Night  had  indeed  about  closed  >Ji,  audi  lijihts 
began  to  appear  in  cottages  and  farm-houses  that  p.pareedly  (lotted 
the  hill  side. 

"  Well,  here's  a  pretty  go,"  said  Sir  Moses,  remounting  the  dog- 
cart, and  gathering  up  the  reins  ;  "  I'll  just  give  the  mare  her 
choice,"  continued  he,  touching  her  with  the  whip,  and  letting 
her  go.  The  sensible  animal  took  the  level  road  to  the  left,  and 
Sir  Moses's  liberality  was  at  first  rewarded  by  an  attempted  trot 
along  it,  which,  however,  soon  relaxed  into  a  walk.  The  creaking, 
labouring  vehicle  shook  and  rolled  with  the  concussion  of  the 
ruts. 

He  had  got  upon  a  piece  of  township  road,  where  each  surveyor 
shuffled  through  his  year  of  office  as  best  he  could,  filling  up  the 
dangerous  holes  in  smnmer  with  great  boulder  stones  that  turned 
up  like  flitches  of  bacon  in  winter.  So  Sir  Moses  rolled  and  rocked 
in  imminent  danger  of  an  upset.  To  add  to  his  misfortunes,  he 
was  by  no  means  sure  but  that  he  might  have  to  retrace  his  steps  : 
it  was  all  chance. 

There  are  but  two  ways  of  circumventing  a  hill,  either  by  going 
round  it  or  over  it  ;  and  the  road,  after  evading  it  for  some  time, 
at  length  took  a  sudden  turn  to  the  right,  and  grappled  fairly 
with  its  severity.  The  mare  applied  herself  sedulously  to  her 
task,  apparently  cheered  by  the  increasing  lights  on  the  hill.  At 
length  she  neared  them,  and  the  radiant  glow  of  a  blacksmith's 
shop  cheered  the  drooping  spirit  of  the  traveller. 

"  Holloo,  my  man  I  "  cried  Sir  Moses,  at  length,  pulling  up 
before  it. 

"  Holloo  !  "  responded  the  spark-showering  Yulcan  from  within. 

"  Is  this  the  way  to  Lord  Lundyfoote's  ?"  demanded  Sir  Moses, 
knowing  the  weight  a  nobleman's  name  carries  in  the  country. 

"  Lord  Lundyfoote's  !  "  exclaimed  Osmand  Hall,  pausing  in 
his  work  ;  "  Lord  Lundyfoote's  !  "  repeated  he  ;  '"  why,  where  ha' 
you  come  from  ?  " 

"Tidswell,"  replied  Sir  Moses,  catting  off  tlic  former  part  of 
the  journey. 

"  Why,  what  set  ye  this  way  ?  "  demanded  the  dark  man,  com- 
ing to  the  door  with  a  red-hot  horse-shoe  on  a  spike,  which  was 
nearly  all  that  distinguished  him  from  the  gloom  of  night  ;  "ye 
should  never  ha'  coom'd  this  way  ;  ye  should  ha'  gone  by  Marsh- 
field  and  Hencrrove." 


ASK    MAMMA.  361 

"  Doxw  it,  I  said  so  I  "  ejaculated  the  Baronet,  nearly  stamping 
the  bottom  of  his  gig  out  with  vexation.  '*  However,  never  mind," 
continued  he,  recollecting  himself,  "  I'm  here  now,  so  tell  me  the 
best  way  to  proceed." 

This  information  being  at  length  accorded,  Sir  Moses  proceeded  ; 
and  the  rest  of  the  hill  being  duly  surmounted,  the  dancing  and 
stationary  lights  spreading  o'er  the  far-stretching  vale  now 
appeared  before  him,  with  a  clustering  constellation,  amid  many 
minor  stars  scattered  around,  denoting  the  whereabouts  of  the 
castle. 

It  is  alwciys  cheering  to  see  the  far  end  of  a  journey,  distant 
though  the  haven  be,  and  Sir  Moses  put  on  as  fast  as  his  lampless 
condition  would  allow  him,  trusting  to  his  eyes  and  his  ears  for 
keeping  on  the  road.  Veiy  much  surprised  would  he  have  been 
had  he  retraced  his  steps  the  next  morning,  and  seen  the  steep 
banks  and  yawning  ditches  he  had  suddenly  saved  himself  from 
going  over  or  into  by  catching  at  the  reins  or  feeling  either  wheel 
rnnning  in  the  soft. 

At  length  he  reached  the  lodges  of  the  massive  variously- 
windowed  castle,  and  passing  gladly  through  them,  found,  on 
alighting  at  the  door,  that,  instead  of  being  late  for  dinner  as 
he  anticipated,  his  Lordship,  who  always  ate  a  hearty  lunch, 
was  generally  very  ea'sy  about  the  matter,  sometimes  dining  at 
seven,  sometimes  at  eight,  sometimes  in  summer  even  at  nine 
o'clock.  The  footman,  in  reply  to  Sir  Moses  inquiring  what  time 
his  Lordship  dined,  said  he  believed  it  was  ordered  at  seven,  but 
he  didn't  know  when  it  would  be  on  the  table. 

Being  an  ardent  politician,  Lord  Lundyfoote  received  Sir  Moses 
with  the  fellow-feeling  that  makes  us  wondrous  kind  cordialit}', 
and  dived  so  energetically  into  his  subject,  as  soon  as  he  got  the 
weather  disposed  of,  as  never  to  wait  for  an  answer  to  his  question, 
wlictlier  liis  guest  would  like  to  take  anything  before  dinner,  tlie 
consecjuence  of  wliich  was,  that  our  poor  tricnd  was  nearly  famished 
with  waiting.  In  vain  the  library  time-piece  ticked,  and  chimed, 
and  struck  ;  jabber,  jabber,  jabber,  went  his  voluble  JiOnlshi]) ;  in 
vain  the  deep-toned  ca.stle-elock  reverberated  thi'ough  the  walls — 
on,  on  he  went,  witliout  noticing  it,  until  the  butler,  in  ai)parent 
dcspiiir,  took  the  gong,  and  gave  it  such  a  beating  just  outside  the 
door,  that  he  could  scarcely  licai-  himself  sj)eak.  Sir  j\Ioscs  then 
adroitly  slipjied  in  the  question  if  that  was  the  signal  for  dressing  ; 
to  which  his  Lordship  liaving  yielded  a  reluctant  "y(,'s.'"  he  took 
a  candle  from  the  entering  Ibotman,  ami  pimieered  the  IJai'onet  up 
to  his  bedroom,  amid  a  I'unning  commentary  on  the  state  of  the 
country  and  the  stability  of  the  ministry.  And  when  I.e  returned 
he  found  his  Lordship  distributing  his  opinions  amouL''  an  obse- 


352 


ASK    MAMMA 


quious  circle  of  neighbours,  who  received  all  he  said  with  the 
deference  due  to  a  liberal  dispenser  of  venison  ;  so  that  Sir  Moses 
not  only  got  his  dinner  in  comparative  peace,  but  warded  his  Lord- 
ship off  the  greater  part  of  the  evening. 


CHAPTEE    LIII. 

MASTER   AXTirONY   TFfO^r. 


paying  them  is  now  the  offence. 


THE  two-penny  post  used  to  be 
thought  a  great  luxury  in  Lon- 
don, though  somehow  great 
people  were  often  shy  of  availing 
themselves  of  its  advantages, 
indeed  of  taking  their  two- 
penny-posters in.  "  Two-penny- 
postei's,"  circulars,  and  ticketed 
shops,  used  to  be  held  in  about 
equal  repugnance  by  some. 
The  Dons,  never  thought  of 
sending  their  notes  or  cards  of 
invitation  by  the  two-penny 
post.  John  Q'homas  used  always 
to  be  trotted  out  for  the  purpose 
of  delivery,  Pre-])ayiug  a  letter 
either  by  the  t\vo-])enny  post  or 
the  general  used  to  be  thought 
little  short  of  an  insult.  Public- 
opinion  has  undergone  a  great 
change  in  these  matters.  Xot 
We  need  scarcely  expatiate  on 


the  boon  of  the  penny  post,  nor  on  the  advantage  of  the  general 
diffusion  of  post-offices  throughout  the  countiy,  though  we  may 
observe,  that  the  penny  post  was  one  of  the  few  things  that  came 
without  being  long  called  for  ;  indeed, so  soon  as  it  was  practical )le 
to  have  it,  for  without  the  almost  simultaneous  establishment  of 
railways  it  would  have  been  almost  impossible  to  have  introdiicc^d 
the  system.  The  mail  could  not  have  carried  the  newsi)aper 
traffic  and  corrcspondeiu'c  of  the  present  day.  The  folded  table- 
cloths of  7'imes,  the  Aolumiuous  I//t/sfnifed  Ke/rs,  the  Punch's, 
the  huge  avalanches  of  papers  that  have  broken  upon  the  cotmtry 
within  the  last  twenty  years.     8ir  Moses  Mainchance,  unlike  muuj 


A  sit    MAMMA.  363 

country  gentlemen,  always  had  his  letters  forwarded  to  him  where- 
ever  he  went.  He  knew  it  was  only  the  trouble  of  writing  a  line 
to  the  Post-office,  saying  re-direct  my  letters  to  so-and-so,  to  have 
what  he  wanted,  and  thus  to  keep  pace  with  his  correspondence. 
He  was  never  overpowered  with  letters  when  he  came  home 
from  a  visit  or  tour,  as  some  of  our  acquaintance  are,  thus  making 
writing  doubly  repugnant  to  them. 

The  morning  after  his  arrival  at  Lundyfoote  Castle  brought  him 
a  great  influx  of  re-directed  letters  and  papers.  One  from  Mr. 
Heslop,  asking  him  to  meet  at  his  house  on  the  Friday  week  follow- 
ing, as  he  was  going  to  have  a  party  ,  one  from  Signior  Quaverini, 
the  eminent  musician,  offering  his  services  for  the  Hunt  ball  :  one 
from  Mr.  Isinglass,  the  confectioner,  hoping  to  be  allowed  to 
supply  the  ices  and  refreshment  as  usual ;  another  (the  fifth), 
from  Mr.  Mossman,  about  the  damage  to  Mr.  Anthill's  sown 
grass  ;  an  envelope,  enclosing  the  card  and  terms  of  Signior 
Dulcetto,  an  opposition  musician,  offering  lower  terms  than 
Quaverini ;  a  note  from  Mr.  Paul  Straddler,  telling  him  about  a 
horse  to  be  bought  dog  cheap ;  and  a  "  dead  letter  office " 
envelope,  enclosing  a  blue  ink  written  letter,  directed  to  Master 
Anthony  Thom,  at  the  Sun-in-the-Sands  Inn,  Becchwood  Green, 
stating  that  the  party  was  not  known  at  the  address,  rein- 
troduces Mr.  Geordey  Gallon,  a  gentleman  already  known  to  the 
reader. 

How  this  letter  came  to  be  sent  to  Sir  Moses  was  as  follows  : — 

When  Mr.  Geordey  Gallon  went  upon  the  "  Torf,"  as  he  calls  it, 
becoming,  as  he  considered,  the  associate  of  Princes,  Prime 
Ministers,  and  so  on,  he  bethought  him  of  turning  respectable, 
and  giving  up  the  stolen-goods-carryiug-trade, — a  resolution  that 
he  was  further  confirmed  in  by  the  establishment  of  that  trouble- 
some o))noxious  corps  the  Hit-im-and-Hold-im-shii'e  Rural 
Police. 

To  this  end,  therefore,  he  gradually  reduced  the  number  of  his 
Tippy-Tom-jaunts  through  the  country  by  night,  intimating  to 
his  numerous  patrons  that  they  had  better  suit  themselves  else- 
where ere  he  ceased  travelling  altogether. 

Among  the  inconvenienced,  was  our  old  friend  ^Irs.  Margerum, 
long  one  of  his  most  regular  customers  ;  for  it  was  a  very  rare 
thing  for  Mr.  Gallon  not  to  find  a  carefully  stitched-up  bundle  in 
the  corner  of  Lawyer  Hindmarch's  cattle-shed,  abutting  on  the 
Shillburn  road  as  he  passed  in  his  spring  cart. 

To  remedy  this  serious  inconvenience,  Mrs.  Margerum  liad 
determined  upon  inducting  her  adopted  son,  Master  Anthony 
Thoiii,  into  the  about  -  to  -  be  -  reUnquished  busineea  ;  and  Mr. 
Gallon  having  made  his  last  journey,  the  accumulation  of  drip- 


364  ASK    MAM3rA. 

ping  caused  by  our  hero's  visit  to  Pangburn  Park  made  it  desir* 
able  to  have  a  clearing-out  as  soon  as  possible. 

To  this  end,  therefore,  she  had  written  the  letter  now  sent  to 
Sir  Moses  ;  but,  being  a  very  prudent  woman,  with  a  slight 
smattering  of  law,  she  thought  so  long  as  she  did  not  sign  her 
surname  at  the  end  she  was  safe,  and  that  no  one  could  prove  that 
it  was  from  her.  The  consequence  was,  that  Anthony  Thorn  not 
having  shifted  his  quarters  as  soon  as  intended,  the  letter  was 
refused  at  the  sign  of  the  Sun-in-the-Sands,  and  by  dint  of  post- 
mark and  contents,  with  perhaps  a  little  malice  prepense  on  the 
part  of  the  Post-master,  who  had  suffered  from  a  dishonest  house- 
keeper himself,  it  came  into  the  hands  of  Sir  Moses.  At  first  our 
master  of  the  hounds  thought  it  was  a  begging-letter,  and  threw 
it  aside  accordingly  ;  but  in  course  of  casting  about  for  a  fresh 
idea  wherewith  to  propitiate  Mr.  Mossman  about  the  sown  grass, 
his  eye  rested  upon  the  wi-iting,  which  he  glanced  at,  and  glanced 
at,  until  somehow  he  thought  he  had  seen  it  before.  At  length  he 
took  the  letter  up,  and  read  what  made  him  stare  very  much  as  he 
proceeded.     Thus  it  run  : — 

**  Pangburn  Pabk,  Thursday  Night. 

"My  own  ever  dear  Anthony  Thom, 

"  /  tvrite  to  you,  trustinr/  you  will  receive  this  safe,  to  say 
that  as  Mr.  George  Gallon  has  disco)itimied  travelling  altogether,  I 
must  trust  to  you  entirely  to  do  ivhat  is  necessary  in  futur,  hul  ytu 
must  he  most  careful  and  ivatchful,  for  these  nasty  Pollis  fellers  are 
about  every  where,  and  seem  to  think  they  have  a  right  to  look  iiito 
every  bodies  basket  and  bundle.  We  live  in  terible  times,  Fm  sure, 
my  own  beloved  Anthony  Thom,  and  if  it  wasn't  for  the  hope  that  I 
may  see  you  become  a  great  gentleman,  like  3Ir.  George  Gallon,  I 
really  think  I  ivould  forswear  place  altogether,  for  no  one  knows  the 
anxiety  and  misery  of  living  ivith  such  a  nasty,  mean,  covetous  body 
as  Old  Nosey  ;  " 

"  Old  Nosey  !  "  ejaculated  Sir  Moses,  stopping  short  in  his 
reading,  and  feeling  his  proboscis  ;  "  Old  Nosey  !  dom  it,  can  that 
mean  me  ?  Do  believe  it  does — and  it's  mother  Margerum's 
handwriting — dom'd  if  it  isn't,"  continued  he,  holding  the  letter  a 
little  way  off  to  examine  and  catch  the  character  of  the  writing  ; 
"  What  does  she  mean  by  calling  me  a  nasty,  covetous  body  ?  I 
that  hunt  the  country,  subscribe  to  the  Infirmary,  Agricultural 
Society,  and  do  everything  that's  liberal  and  handsome.  I'll 
Old  Nosey  her  !  "  continued  he,  grinding  his  teeth,  and  giving  a 
vigorous  flourish  of  his  right  fist ;  "  I'll  Old  Nosey  her  !  I'll  turn 
her  out  of  the  house  as  soon  as  ever  I  get  home,  dom'd  if  I  won't," 


ASK    MAMMA.  368 

said  Sir  Moses  quivering  with  rage  as  he  spoke.     At  length  he 
became  sufficiently  composed  to  resume  his  reading — 

-Ho  one  knows  the  anxiety  and  misery  of  living  with  such 


a  nasty,  mean,  covetous  body  as  Old  Nosey,  icho  is  always  on  the 
fret  about  expense,  and  thinks  everybody  is  robbing  him^ 

"  Oh,  dom  it,  that  means  me  sure  enough  ! "  exclaimed  Sir 
Moses  ;  "  that's  on  account  of  the  row  I  was  kicking  up  t'other 
day  about  the  tea — declared  I  drank  a  pound  a  week  myself.  I'll 
tea  her  !  "  continued  he,  again  turning  to  the  letter  and  reading, — 

" /  declare  Fd  amost  as  soon  live  under  a  mistress  as  under 


such  a  shocking  mean,  covetous  man^ 

"  Would  you  ?  "  muttered  Sir  Moses  ;  adding,  "  you  shall  very 
soon  have  a  chance  then."     The  letter  thus  continued, — 

" The  old  feller  will  be  away  on  Saturday  and  Sunday,  so 

come  afore  lightning  on  Monday  morning,  say  about  four  o'clock,  and 
ril  have  everything  ready  to  loiver  from  my  windotv^ 

"  Oh  the  deuce  ! "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  slapping  his  leg  ;  "  Oh 
the  deuce  !  going  to  rob  the  house,  I  declare  ! " 

" To  loivm-  from  my  tvindoiv,''^  Tea,d  he  again,  "for  ifs  not 

safe  trusting  things  by  the  door  as  we  used  to  do,  now  that  these 
nasty  knavish  Pollis  fellers  are  about ;  so  now  my  own  beloved 
Anthony  Thorn,  if  you  will  give  a  gentle  tcistle,  or  throw  a  little  bit 
of  soft  dirt  up  at  the  window,  where  you  will  see  a  light  burning,  ni 
be  ready  for  you,  and  you'll  be  clear  of  the  place  long  afore  any  of 
the  lazy  fellers  here  arc  up,— for  a  set  of  nastier,  dirtier  drunkards 
never  were  gathered  togelher.'' 

"  Humph  !  "  ,c:runted  Sir  Moses,   "  that's  a  cut  at  Mr.  Find- 
later."     'J'he  writer  then  proceeded  to  say, — 

" Bui  mind  my  own  brlorcd  Anthony  Thorn,  if  any  body 

questions  you,  say  ifs  a  parrel  of  dripving,  and  tell  them  they  are 
welcnmo  to  look  in  if  they  like,  whicli  is  the  readiest  way  of  stopping 
them  from  doing  so.  IIV  hare  had  a  large  party  here,  including  a 
young  gent  from  that  fine  old  Lord  Lady  I  home,  who  I  uvuld  dearly 
like  to  live  with,  and  also  that  nasty,  jeahus,  covetous  body  Cuddy 
Flinlojf,  peeping  and  prying  about  everywJtere  as  usual.  Ne  deserves 
to  have  a  dish-r/out  pinned  to  his  tail.'' 

"  He,  he,  he  ! "  chuckled  Sir  !Moses,  as  he  read  it 

" /  shall  direct  this  letter  by  post  to  you  at  the  si'm  of  the 


3$e  A8R    MAMMA, 

Sun  in  the  Sands,  unless  I  can  get  it  conveyed  by  a  private  hand. 
I  am  half  in  hopes  3Ir.  Gallon  may  call,  as  there  is  going  to  he  a 
great  steeple  match  for  an  immerise  sum  of  money,  £200  they  say, 
and  they  will  tvant  his^  fine  judgment  to  direct  matters.  Mr.  Gallon 
is  ifideed  a  man  of  a  thousand." 

"  Humph  !  "  grunted  Sir  Moses,  adding,  "  we  are  getting  behind 
the  curtain  now."     He  then  went  on  reading, — 

" Oh  my  own  dear  darling  Anthony  Thom  !  what  would  1  give 

to  see  you  a  fine  gejitleman  like  Mr.  George  Gallon.  I  do  hope  and 
trust,  dearest,  that  it  may  yet  come  to  pass ;  hut  we  must  make 
money,  and  take  care  of  our  money  when  made,  for  a  man  is  nothing 
without  money.  What  a  noble  example  you  have  before  you  in  Mr. 
George  Gallon  !  He  ivas  once  no  better  nor  you,  and  noiv  he  has 
everything  like  a  gentleman, — a  hunting  horse  to  ride  on,  gold  studs 
in  his  shirt,  and  goose  for  his  dinner.  0  my  own  beloved  Anthony 
Thom,  if  I  could  but  see  you  on  a  white  horse,  with  a  flowered  silk 
tie,  and  a  cut  velvet  vest  ivith  bright  steel  buttons,  flourishing  a 
silver-mounted  ivhip,  how  glad,  hoiv  rejoiced  it  would  make  me. 
Then  I  shouldn't  care  for  the  pryings  and  grumblings  of  Old  Nosey, 
or  the  jealous  watchings  of  the  nasty,  tvaspish  set  with  which  one  is 
surrounded,  for  I  should  say  my  Anthony  Thom  will  revenge  and 
protect  me,  and  make  me  comfortable  at  last.  So  noiv  my  own 
dearest  Anthony  Thom,  be  careful  and  guarded  in  coming  about 
here,  for  I  dread  those  nasty  lurkin  Pollis  men  more  nor  can  I  say, 
for  I  never  knew  suspicious  people  tvhat  tvere  good  for  any  thing 
themselves ;  and  how  they  ever  come  to  interduce  such  nasty  towti 
pests  into  the  quiet  peaceful  country,  I  can't  for  the  life  of  me 
imagine;  but  Mr.  George  Galloyi,  tvho  is  a  man  of  great  intellect, 
says  they  are  dangerous,  and  that  is  piartly  tvhy  he  has  given  up 
travelling  ;  so  therefore  my  own  dearest  Anthony  Thom  be  guarded, 
and  mind  piut  on  your  pee  jacket  and  red  tvorsted  comforter,  for  1 
dread  these  hoar  frosts,  a?id  I'll  have  everything  ready  for  my 
darling  pet,  so  that  you  ivon't  he  kept  waiting  a  moment ;  but  mind 
if  there's  snow  on  the  ground  you  don't  come  for  fear  of  the  tracks. 
J  think  I  have  littel  more  to  say  this  time,  my  own  darling  Anthony 
Thom,  except  that  I  am,  my  own  dear,  dear  son, 

"  Your  ever  loving  mother, 

"  Sarah." 

"B-o-o-y  Jove  !"  exclaimed  Sir  ]\Ioses,  sousing  himself  down 
in  an  easy  chair  beside  the  table  at  which  he  had  been  writing 
"  b-o-y  Jove,  what  a  production  !  Regular  robber,  dom'd  if  she's 
not.     Would  give  something  to  catch  Master  Anthony  Thom,  in 


ASK    MAMMA.  357 

his  red  worsted  comforter,  with  his  parcel  of  dripping.  Would 
Bee  whether  I'd  look  into  it  or  not.  And  Mr.  Geordey  Gallon, 
too !  The  impudent  fellow  who  pretended  not  to  know  the 
Frenchman.  Regular  plant  as  ever  was  made.  Will  see  whether 
he  gets  his  money  from  me.  Ten  punds  the  wretch  tried  to  do 
me  out  of  by  the  basest  deceit  that  ever  was  heard  of.  Con-found 
them,  but  Fll  see  if  I  can't  be  upsides  with  them  all  though," 
continued  he,  writhing  for  vengeance.  And  the  whole  of  that 
day,  and  most  of  that  night,  and  the  whole  of  the  following  day 
when  hunting  at  Harker  Crag,  he  was  thinking  how  he  could 
manage  it.  At  length,  as  he  was  going  quietly  home  with  the 
hounds,  after  only  an  indiflFerent  day's  sport,  a  thought  struck  him 
which  he  proceeded  to  put  in  execution  as  soon  as  he  got  into  the 
house.  He  wrote  a  note  to  dear  Lord  Repartee,  saying,  if  it 
would  be  quite  convenient  to  Lady  Repartee  and  his  Lordship,  he 
would  be  glad  to  stay  all  night  with  them  before  hunting  Filberton 
forest  ;  and  leaving  the  unfolded  note  on  the  library  table  to 
operate  during  the  night,  he  wrote  a  second  one  in  the  morning, 
inquiring  the  character  of  a  servant ;  and  putting  the  first  note 
into  the  fire,  he  sealed  the  second  one,  and  laid  it  ostentatiously  on 
the  hall  table  for  the  post. 

We  take  it  we  all  have  some  ambitious  feeling  to  gratify — all 
have  some  one  whom  we  either  wish  to  visit,  or  who  we  desire 
should  visit  us.  We  will  candidly  state  that  our  ambition  is  to 
dine  with  the  Lord  Mayor.  If  we  could  but  achieve  that  great 
triumph,  we  really  think  we  should  rest  satisfied  tlie  rest  of  our 
life.  We  know  how  it  would  elevate  us  in  the  eyes  of  such  men 
as  Cuddy  FlintoflF  and  Paul  Straddler,  and  what  an  advantage  it 
would  be  to  us  in  society  being  able  to  talk  in  a  familiar  way  of 
his  Lordship  (Lordship  with  a  capital  L.,  if  you  please,  Mr. 
Printer). 

Thus  the  world  proceeds  on  the  aspiring  scale,  each  man  look- 
ing to  the  class  a  little  in  advance  of  his  own. 

"  0  knew  they  but  their  happiness,  of  men  the  happiest "  are 
the  sporting  country  gentlemen  who  live  at  home  at  ease — un- 
vexcd  alike  with  the  torments  of  the  moiiey-niaker  and  the  anxieties 
of  the  great,  and  yet  sufficiently  informed  and  refined  to  be  the 
companions  of  either — men  who  see  and  enjoy  nature  in  all  her 
moods  and  varieties,  and  live  unfettered  with  the  pomp  and 
vexation  of  keeping  up  appearances,  envying  no  one,  whoever  may 
envy  them.  If  once  a  man  quits  this  ha]i])y  rank  to  breast  the 
contending  billows  of  party  in  hopes  of  rising  to  the  one  above  it, 
what  a  harvest  of  discord  he  sows  for  his  own  reaping.  If  a  man 
wants  to  bo  thoroughly  disgnsted  with  human  nature,  let  him  ally 
himself  unreservedly  to  a  political  party.     He  will  find  cozening 


358  •  ASK    MAMMA. 

and  sneaking  and  selfishness  in  all  their  varieties,  and  patriotic 
false  pretences  in  their  most  luxuriant  growth.  But  we  are 
getting  in  advance  of  our  subject,  our  thesis  being  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Wotherspoon. 

Our  snuffy  friend  Spoon  was  not  exempt  from  the  ambitious 
failings  of  lesser  men.  His  great  object  of  ambition  was  to  get 
Major  Yammerton  to  visit  him — or  perhaps  to  put  it  more 
correctly,  his  great  object  of  ambition  was  to  visit  Major  Yam- 
merton. But  then,  unfortunately,  it  requires  two  parties  to  these 
bargains  ;  and  Mrs.  Yammerton  wouldn't  agree  to  it,  not  so  much 
because  old  Spoon  had  been  a  butler,  but  because  his  wife  (our 
pen  splutters  as  it  wi'ites  the  objection)  his  wife  had  been  a — a — 
housekeeper.  A  handsome  housekeeper  she  was,  too,  when  she 
first  came  into  the  country ;  so  handsome,  indeed,  that  Dicky 
Boggledike  had  made  two  excursions  over  to  their  neighbour, 
Farmer  Flamstead,  to  see  her,  and  had  reported  upon  her  very 
favoui-ably  to  the  noble  Earl  his  august  master. 

Still  Mrs.  Yammerton  wouldn't  visit  her.  In  vain  Mrs. 
Wotherspoon  sent  her  bantams'  eggs,  and  guinea  fowls'  eggs,  and 
cuttings  from  their  famous  yellow  rose-tree  ;  in  vain  old  Spoon 
got  a  worn-out  horse,  and  invested  his  nether  man  in  white  cords 
and  top  boots  to  turn  out  after  the  harriers  ;  in  vain  he  walked  a 
hound  in  summer,  and  pulled  down  gaps,  and  lifted  gates  off  their 
hinges  in  winter — it  all  only  produced  thanks  and  politeness. 
The  Yammertons  and  they  were  very  good  How-do-you-do  ? 
neighbours,  but  the  true  beef-and-mutton  test  of  British  friend- 
ship was  wanting.  The  dinner  is  the  thing  that  signs  and  seals 
the  acquaintance. 

Thus  they  had  gone  on  from  summer  to  summer,  and  from 
season  to  season,  until  hope  deferred  had  not  only  made  old 
Spoon's  heart  sick,  but  had  also  seen  the  white  cords  go  at  the 
knees,  causing  him  to  retire  his  legs  into  the  military-striped 
cinnamon-coloui-ed  tweeds  in  which  he  appears  at  page  157.  In 
addition  to  muffling  his  legs,  he  had  begun  to  mutter  and  talk 
about  giving  up  hunting, — getting  old, — last  season — and  so  on, 
which  made  the  ^lajor  think  he  would  be  losing  one  of  the  most 
personable  of  his  field.  This  made  him  pause  and  consider  how  to 
avert  the  misfortune.  Hunted  hares  he  had  sent  him  in  more 
than  regular  rotation  :  he  had  liquored  him  repeatedly  at  the 
door  ;  the  ladies  had  reciprocated  the  eggs  and  the  cuttings,  with 
dahlias,  and  Sir  Hurry  strawberry  runners  ;  and  there  really 
seemed  very  little  left  about  the  place  wherewith  to  propitiate  a 
refractory  sportsman.  At  this  critic:al  juncture,  a  too  confiding 
hare  was  reported  by  Cicely  Bennett,  farmer  IMerry field's  dairy- 
maid,  to  have  taken    up   her   quarters   among   some    tufssuckey 


ASK    MAMMA.  359 

bramblos  at  the  north-east  corner  of  Mr.  Wotherspoon's  cow 
pasture — a  most  unusual,  indeed  almost  unprecedented  circum- 
stance, which  was  communicated  by  Wotherspoon  in  person  to 
the  Major  at  the  next  meet  of  the  hounds  at  Girdle  Stone  Green, 
and  received  with  unfeigned  delight  by  the  latter. 

"  You  don't  say  so  !  "  exclaimed  he,  wringing  the  old  dandy's 
hand;  "you  don't  say  so!"  repeated  he,  with  enthusiasm,  for 
hares  were  scarce,  and  the  country  good  ;  in  addition  to  which  the 
Major  knew  all  the  gaps. 

"/f/o,"  replied  Spoon,  with  a  confident  air,  that  as  good  as 
said,  you  may  take  my  word  for  anything  connected  with  hunting. 

"  Well,  then,  I'll  tell  you  what  we'll  do,"  rejoined  the  Major, 
poking  him  familiarly  in  the  ribs  with  his  whip,  "I'll  tell  you 
what  we'll  do  ;  we'll  have  a  turn  at  her  on  Tuesday — meet  at  your 
house,  eh  ?  what  say  you  to  that  ?  " 

"With  all  my  heart,"  responded  the  delighted  Wotherspoon, 
adding,  in  the  excitement  of  the  moment,  "  S'pose  you  come  to 
breakfast  ?  " 

"  Breakfast,"  gasped  the  Major,  feeling  he  was  caught.  "  Dash 
it,  what  would  Mrs.  Yammerton  say  ?  Breakfast  !  "  repeated  he, 
running  the  matter  through  his  mind,  the  wigging  of  his  wife,  the 
walk  of  his  hound,  the  chance  of  keeping  the  old  boy  to  the  fore 
if  he  went — go  he  would.  "With  all  my  heart,"  replied  he,  dash- 
ing boldly  at  the  offer  ;  for  it's  of  no  use  a  man  saying  he's 
engaged  to  breakfast,  and  the  Major  felt  that  if  the  worst  came  to 
the  worst,  it  would  only  be  to  eat  two,  one  at  home,  the  other  with 
Spoon. 

So  it  ^Tas  settled,  much  to  Mr.  and  ^Irs.  Wothci-spoon's  satis- 
faction, wlio  were  afterwards  further  delighted  to  hear  that  our 
friend  Billy  had  returned,  and  would  most  likely  be  of  the  party. 
And  most  assiduously  they  applied  themselves  to  provide  for  this, 
the  great  event  of  their  livca. 


ytiu 


.4.^  A'    MAMMA. 


CU  WTK]}    rjv 


Ml!.    WOTIIHUSI'OON  S    DEJKT.X  KK     A    LA    FOL'RCIIKTTK. 

TVY     BANK 

1\)\vev  (foi'merly 
called  Cow  gate 
Hill),  the  seat  of 
.leames  Wother- 
spoon  Esquire, 
stands  on  a 
gentle  eminence 
about  a  stone's 
throw  from  the 
llorseheath  and 
Ilinton  turnpike 
road,  and  looks 
from  the  luxuri- 
ance of  its  ivy, 
like  a  g  r  e  a  t 
J  a  ck  -  in  -t  he- 
green.  Ivy  is  a 
troublesome 
thing,  for  it  will 
either  not  grow 
at  all  or  it  grows 
far  too  fast,  and 
"Wotherspoon's 
liad  rairly  overnni  the  little  angular  red  brick,  red  tiled  man- 
sion, and  helped  it  to  its  new  name  of  Ivy  Bank  Tower.  If  the 
ivy  flourished,  however,  it  was  the  cnily  thing  about  the  ])lacc 
that  did  ;  for  AVotherspoon  was  no  farmer,  and  the  75a,  ;jR.  18i'., 
of  which  the  estate  consisted,  was  a  very  uninviting  looking  pro- 
perty. Indeed  AVotherspoon  was  an  illustration  of  the  truth  of 
Sydney  Smith's  observation  that  there  are  three  things  which 
every  man  thinks  he  can  do.  namely,  drive  a  gig.  edit  a  news- 
paper, and  farm  a  small  property,  and  Spoon  bought  Cowgate  Hill 
thinking  it  would  "go  of  itself."  as  they  say  of  a  horse,  and  that 
in  addition  to  the  rent  he  would  get  the  farmer's  profit  as  well, 
which  he  was  told  ought  to  be  e<jiial  to  the  rent.  Though  he  had 
the  Farmers'  Almanack,  he  did  not  attend  much  to  its  instruc- 
tions, for  if  INFrs.  AVotherspoon  wanted  the  Fe-a-ton,  as  she  called 
it,  to  gad  about  the  cuuntry  in,  John  Strung,  the  plotigh-boy  I'uut- 


ip^ 

"\%<?^ 


AN    OWI.    IN    AN    IVY-IUSII. 


ASK    MAMMA.  361 

man  "loused"  his  team,  and  arraying  himself  in  a  chocolate- 
coloured  coat,  with  a  red  striped  vest  and  black  velveteens,  left 
the  other  horse  standing  idle  for  the  day.  So  Spoon  sometimes 
caught  the  season  and  sometimes  he  lost  it  ;  and  the  neighbours 
used  to  hope  that  he  hadn't  to  live  by  his  land.  If  he  caught  the 
Bcason  he  called  it  good  management ;  if  he  didn't  he  laid  the 
blame  upon  the  weather,  just  as  a  gardener  takes  the  credit  for  all 
the  good  crops  of  fruit,  and  attributes  the  failures  to  the  seasons. 
Still  Spoon  was  not  at  all  sensible  of  his  deficiencies,  and  sub- 
scribed a  couple  of  guineas  a  year  to  the  Harrowford  Agi'icultural 
Society,  in  return  for  which  he  always  had  the  toast  of  the  healths 
of  the  tenant  farmers  assigned  to  him,  which  he  handled  in  a  very 
magnificent  and  condescending  way,  acknowledging  the  obligations 
the  landowners  were  under  to  them,  and  hoping  the  happy  union 
would  long  subsist  to  their  mutual  advantage  ;  indeed,  if  he  could 
only  have  got  the  words  out  of  his  mouth  as  fast  as  he  got  the 
drink  into  it,  there  is  no  saying  but  he  might  some  day  have  filled 
the  presidential  chair.  Now,  however,  a  greater  honour  even  than 
that  awaited  him,  namely,  the  honour  of  entertaining  the  great 
!Major  Yammerton  to  breakfast.  To  this  end  John  Strong  was 
first  set  to  clean  the  very  dirty  windows,  then  to  trim  the  ivy  and 
polish  the  brass  knocker  at  the  door,  next  to  dig  the  border,  in 
which  grew  the  famous  yellow  rose,  and  finally  to  hoe  and  rake 
the  carriage-drive  up  to  the  house  ;  while  Mrs.  Wotherspoon,  aided 
by  Sally  Brown,  her  maid-of-all-work,  looked  out  the  best  blue  and 
gold  china,  examined  the  linen,  selected  a  tongue,  guillotined  the 
poultry,  bespoke  the  eggs,  and  arranged  the  general  programme  of 
the  entertainment. 

The  Major  thought  himself  very  sly,  and  that  he  was  doing  the 
thing  very  cleverly  by  nibbling  and  playing  with  his  breakfast  on 
the  appointed  morning,  instead  of  eating  voraciously  as  usual ; 
but  ladies  often  know  a  good  deal  more  than  they  pretend  to  do, 
and  ^Irs.  Yammerton  had  seen  a  card  fi'om  Mrs.  Wotherspoon  to 
their  neighbour,  ^Mrs.  Broadfurrow,  of  IMossomfield  Farm,  inviting 
Broadfurrow  and  her  to  a  "  dejcimer  d  la  fourchettp,'"  to  meet  Major 
Yammerton  and  see  the  hounds.  However,  jNIrs.  Yammerton 
kept  the  fact  to  herself,  thinking  she  would  see  how  her  Major 
would  manoeuvre  the  matter,  and  avoid  a  general  acquaintance 
with  the  Wotherspoons.  So  she  niei'ely  ke])t  putting  his  usual 
viands  before  him,  to  try  to  tempt  him  into  indulgence  ;  but  the 
^lajor,  knowing  the  arduous  part  he  would  have  to  perform  at  the 
Tower,  kept  rejecting  all  her  insidious  overtures  for  eating, 
pretending  he  was  not  altogether  ricrht.  "Almond  pudding 
hadn't  agreed  with  him,"  he  thought.  "Never  did — should  have 
known  Ijetter  than  take  it,"  and  so  on. 


362  ASK    MAMMA. 

Our  dawdling'  hero  ratlier  discontented  his  host,  for  instead  of 
applying  himself  sedulously  to  his  breakfast,  he  did  nothing  but 
chatter  and  talk  to  the  young  ladies,  as  if  there  was  no  such 
important  performance  before  them  as  a  hare  to  pursue,  or  the 
unrivalled  harriers  to  display.  He  took  cup  after  cup,  as  though 
he  had  lost  his  reckoning,  and  also  the  little  word  "no"  from  his 
vocabulary.  At  length  the  Major  got  him  raised  from  the  table, 
by  telling  him  they  had  two  miles  further  to  go  than  they  really 
had,  and  making  for  the  stable,  they  found  Solomon  and  the 
footman  whipper-in  ready  to  turn  out  with  the  hounds.  Up  went 
our  sportsmen  on  to  their  horses,  and  forth  came  the  liounds 
wriggling  and  frolicking  with  joy.  The  cavalcade  being  thus 
formed,  they  proceeded  across  the  fields,  at  the  back  of  the  house, 
and  were  presently  passing  up  the  Hollington  Lane.  The  gift 
grey  was  the  first  object  of  interest  as  soon  as  they  got  well  under 
way,  and  the  Major  examined  him  attentively,  with  every  desire  to 
find  fault. 

"Neatish  horse,"  at  length  observed  he,  half  to  himself,  half  to 
our  friend  ;  "  neatish  horse — lightish  of  bone  below  the  knee, 
p'raps,  but  still  by  no  means  a  bad  shaped  'un." 

Still  though  the  Major  could'nt  hit  off  the  fault,  he  was  pretty 
sure  there  was  a  screw  loose  somewhere,  to  discover  which  he  now 
got  Billy  to  trot  the  horse,  and  canter  him,  and  gallop  him, 
successively. 

"  Humph  !  "  grunted  he,  as  he  returned  after  a  brush  over  the 
rough  ground  of  Farthingfield  Moor  ;  "  lie  has  the  use  of  his  legs 
— gets  well  away ;  easy  horse  under  you,  I  dcssay  ?  "  asked  he. 

Billy  said  he  was,  for  he  could  pull  him  about  anywhere  ; 
saying  which  he  put  him  boldly  at  a  water  furrow,  and  landed 
handsomely  on  the  far  side. 

"Humph!"  grunted  the  Major  again,  muttering  to  himself, 
"May  be  all  right — but  if  he  is,  it's  devilish  unlike  the  Baronet, 
giving  him.  AVish  he  would  take  that  confounded  moon-eyed 
brute  of  mine  and  give  me  my  forty  puns  l);ick." 

"And  he  gave  him  ye,  did  he?"  asked  the  Major,  with  a 
scrutinising  stare  at  our  friend. 

"  Why — yarse — no — yarse — not  exactly,"  replied  Billy,  hesitat- 
ing. "  The  fact  is,  he  offered  to  give  me  him,  and  I  didn't  like 
taking  him,  and  so,  after  a  good  deal  to  do,  he  said  I  might  give 
him  fifty  pounds  for  him,  and  pay  him  when  it  suited  me." 

"  I  twig,"  replied  the  IMajor,  adding,  "  then  you  have  to  pay 
fifty  pounds  for  him,  eh  ?  " 

"  Or  return  him,"  replied  Billy,  "  or  return  him.  He  made  me 
promise  if  ever  I  wanted  to  uaii  with  him,  I  would  give  him  the 
refusal  of  him  again." 


ASK    MAMMA.  363 

"  Humph  !  "  grunted  the  Major,  looking  the  horse  over  atten- 
tively. "  Fifty  puns,"  muttered  he  to  himself, — "  must  be  worth 
that  if  he's  sound,  and  only  eight  off.  Wouldn't  mind  giving 
fifty  for  him  myself,"  thought  he  ;  "must  be  something  wrong 
about  him — certain  of  that — or  Sir  Moses  wouldn't  have  parted 
with  him ;"  with  which  firm  conviction,  and  the  full  determina- 
tion to  find  out  the  horse's  weak  point,  the  Major  trotted  along 
the  Bodenham  Eoad,  through  the  little  hamlet  of  Maywood, 
thence  across  Faulder  the  cattle  jobber's  farm,  into  the  Heath- 
field  Road  at  Gilden  Bridge.  A  quarter  of  a  mile  further,  and 
Mr.  Wotherspoon's  residence  was  full  in  sight. 

The  "  Tower "  never,  perhaps,  showed  to  greater  advantage 
than  it  did  on  this  morning,  for  a  bright  winter's  sun  lit  up  the 
luxuriant  ivy  on  its  angular,  gable-ended  walls,  nestling  myriads 
of  sparrows  that  flew  out  in  flocks  at  the  approach  of  each 
visitor. 

"  What  place  is  this  ?  "  asked  our  hero,  as,  at  a  jerk  of  the 
Major's  head,  Solomon  turned  off  the  road  through  the  now 
propped-open  gate  of  the  approach  to  the  mansion. 

"  Oh,  this  is  where  we  meet,"  replied  the  Major  ;  "  this  is  Mr. 
Wotherspoon's,  the  gentleman  you  remember  out  with  us  the  day 
we  had  the  famous  run  when  we  lost  the  hare  at  Mossheugh  Law 
— the  farm  by  the  moor,  you  know,  where  the  pretty  woman  was 
churning — you  remember,  eh  ?  " 

"0,  ah!"  repeated  Billy  :  "but  I  thought  they  called  his  place 
a  Tower, — Ivy  something  Tower,"  thinking  this  was  more  like 
two  great  sentry  boxes  placed  at  right  angles,  and  covered  with 
ivy  than  anything  else. 

"  Well,  yes  ;  he  calls  this  a  Tower,"  replied  the  Major,  seeing 
by  Billy's  face  that  his  friend  had  not  risen  in  his  estimation  by 
the  view  of  his  mansion.  "Capital  feller  Spoon,  though,"  con- 
tinued he,  "must  go  in  and  pay  our  respects  to  him  and  his  lady." 
So  saying,  he  turned  off  the  road  upon  the  closely  eaten  sward, 
and,  calling  to  Solomon  to  stop  and  let  the  hounds  have  a  roll  on 
the  grass,  he  dismounted,  and  gave  his  horse  in  charge  of  a 
fustian-clad  countryman,  telling  him  to  walk  him  about  till  he 
returned,  and  he  would  remember  him  for  his  trouble.  Ourfnend 
Billy  did  the  same,  and  knocking  the  mud  sparks  off  his  boots 
against  the  well  pipe-clayed  door-steps,  prepared  to  enter  the 
Tower.  Before  inducting  them,  however,  let  us  ]iiopare  the 
inmates  for  their  reception. 

Both  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Wothoispoon  had  risen  sufliciently  early  to 
enalilo  (hem  to  put  the  finishing  stroke  to  their  respective  arrange- 
ments, and  then  to  apparel  themselves  for  the  occasion.  They 
were  gorgeously  attirecl,  vicing  with  the  rainbow  in  the  colour  of 


364  ASK    MAMMA. 

their  clothes.  Old  Spoon,  indeed,  seemed  as  if  he  had  put  all  the 
finery  on  he  could  raise,  and  his  best  brown  cauliflower  wig  shone 
resplendent  with  Macassar  oil.  He  had  on  a  light  brown  coat 
with  a  rolling  velvet  collar,  velvet  facings  and  cuffs,  with  a 
magnificent  green,  blue,  and  yellow  striped  tartan  velvet  vest, 
enriched  with  red  cornelian  buttons,  and  crossed  diagonally  with  a 
massive  Brazilian  gold  chain,  and  the  broad  ribbon  of  his  gold 
double-eye-glasses.  He  sported  a  light  blue  satin  cravat,  an 
elaborately  worked  ruby-studded  shirt  front,  over  a  pink  flannel 
vest,  with  stiff  wrist-bands  well  turr.sd  up,  showing  the  magnifi- 
cence of  his  imitation  India  garnet  buttons.  On  his  clumsy 
fingers  he  wore  a  profusion  of  rings — a  brilliant  cluster,  a  gold 
and  opal,  a  brilliant  and  sapphire,  an  emerald  half-hoop  ring,  a 
massive  mourning,  and  a  signet  ring, — six  in  all, — genuine  or 
glass  as  the  case  might  be,  equally  distributed  between  the  dirty- 
nailed  fingers  of  each  hand.  His  legs  were  again  encased  in  the 
treacherous  white  cords  and  woe-begoue  top-boots  that  were  best 
under  the  breakfast  table.  He  had  drawn  the  thin  cords  on  very 
carefully,  hoping  they  would  have  the  goodness  to  hang  together 
for  the  rest  of  the  day. 

Mrs.  Wotherspoon  was  bedizened  with  jewellery  and  machinery 
lace.  She  wore  a  rich  violet-coloured  velvet  dress,  with  a  beautiful 
machinery  lace  chemisette,  fastened  down  the  front  with  large 
Cairngorum  buttons,  the  whole  connected  with  a  diminutive 
Venetian  chain,  which  contrasted  with  the  massive  mosaic  one 
that  rolled  and  rattled  upon  her  plump  shoulders.  A  splendid 
imitation  emerald  and  brilliant  brooch  adorned  her  l)ust,  while  her 
well-rounded  arms  were  encircled  with  a  mosaic  gold,  garnet  and 
turquoise  bracelet,  an  imitation  rose  diamond  one,  intermixed  with 
pearl,  a  serpent  armlet  with  blood-stone  eyes,  a  heavy  jet  one, 
and  an  equally  massive  mosaic  gold  one  with  a  heart's  ease  pad- 
lock. Though  in  the  full  development  of  womanhood,  she  yet 
distended  her  figure  with  crinoline,  to  the  great  contraction  of 
her  room. 

The  two  had  scarcely  entered  the  little  parlour,  some  twelve 
feet  square,  and  Spoon  got  out  his  beloved  Morning  Post,  ere  i\Ir. 
and  Mrs.  Broadfurrow  were  seen  wending  their  way  up  the  road, 
at  the  plodding  diligent  sort  of  pace  an  agricultural  horse  goes 
when  put  into  harness  ;  and  forthwith  the  Wotherspoons  dis- 
missed the  last  anxieties  of  preparation,  and  lapsed  into  the  easy, 
unconcerned  host  and  hostess.  When  John  Strong  threw  open 
the  door,  and  announced  Mr.  and  ]\Irs.  Broadfurrow,  they  were 
discovered  standing  over  the  fire,  as  if  d'ejeinicr  a  la  fourchette 
giving  was  a  matter  of  every  day's  occurrence  with  them.  Then, 
at  the  summons,  they  turned  and  came  forward  in  the  full  glow 


ASK    MAMMA.  365 

of  cordiality,  and  welcomed  tiieir  guests  with  all  the  fervour  of 
sincerity  ;  and  when  Mrs.  Wotherspoon  mounted  tlie  weather  for 
a  trot  with  Mrs.  Broadfurrow,  old  Spoon  out  with  his  engine- 
turned  gold  snuff-box,  and  offered  Broadfurrow  a  pinch  ere  he 
threw  his  conversation  into  the  columns  of  his  paper.  The  offer 
being  accepted,  "Wotherspoon  replenished  his  own  nose,  and  then 
felt  ready  for  anything.  He  was  in  high  feather.  He  sunk  his 
favourite  topic,  the  doings  of  the  House  of  Lords,  and  expatiated 
upon  the  Princess  Royal's  then  approaching  marriage.  Oh,  dear, 
he  was  so  glad.  He  was  so  glad  of  it — glad  of  it  on  every  account 
— glad  of  it  on  the  Princess's  account — glad  of  it  on  her  most 
gracious  Majesty's  account.  Bless  her  noble  heart !  it  almost 
made  him  feel  like  an  old  man  when  he  remembered  the  Prince 
(.'onsort  leading  her  to  the  hymeneal  altar  herself.  Well,  well, 
life  was  life,  and  he  had  seen  as  much  of  it  as  most  men ;  and 
just  as  he  was  going  to  indulge  in  some  of  his  high-flown 
reminiscences,  the  crack  of  a  hunting  whip  sounded  through  the 
house,  and  farmer  Nettlefold's  fat  figure,  attired  in  the  orthodox 
green  coat  and  white  cords  of  the  Major  Yammerton's  hunt  was 
seen  piled  on  a  substantial  brown  cob,  making  his  way  to  the 
stables  at  the  back  of  the  Tower.  Mr.  Nettlefold,  who  profanely 
entered  by  the  back  door,  was  then  presently  announced,  and  the 
same  greetings  having  been  enacted  towards  him,  Wotherspoon 
made  a  bold  effort  to  get  back  to  the  marriage,  beginning  with 
"  As  I  was  observing,"  when  farmer  Rintoul  came  trotting  up  on 
his  white  horse,  and  holloaed  out  to  know  if  he  could  get  him 
put  up. 

"  Oh,  certainly,"  replied  Wotherspoon,  throwing  up  the  window, 
when  a  sudden  gust  of  wind  nearly  blew  off  his  wig,  and  sadly 
disconcerted  the  ladies  by  making  the  chimney  smoke. 

Just  at  this  moment  our  friend  appeared  in  sight,  and  all  eyes 
were  then  directed  to  the  now  gamboling  tongue-throwing  hounds, 
as  they  spread  frisking  over  the  green. 

"  What  beauties  !  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Wotherspoon,  pretending 
to  admire  them,  though  in  reality  she  was  examining  the  Point  de 
Paris  lace  on  Mrs.  Broadfurrow's  mantle — wondering  what  it 
would  be  a  yard,  thinking  it  was  very  extravagant  for  a  person 
like  her  to  have  it  so  broad.  Old  Spoon,  meanwhile,  bustled 
away  to  the  door,  to  be  ready  to  greet  the  great  men  as  they 
entered, 

"■  ]\Iajor  Yammerton  and  IMr.  Jingle  I  "  announced  John  Strong, 
throwing  it  oi)eii,  and  the  old  dandy  bent  nearly  double  with  his 
bow. 

"  How  are  ye,  Wothersjwon  ? "  demanded  our  affable  master, 
shaking  him  heartily  by  the  hand,  with  a  hail-fellow-well-met  qir 


368  ASK    MAMMA. 

of  cordiality.  "Mr.  Pringle  you  know,"  continued  he,  ilrawing 
our  friend  forward  with  his  left  hand,  while  he  advanced  with  his 
right  to  greet  the  radiant  Mrs.  Wotherspoon. 

The  Major  then  went  the  round  of  the  party,  whole  handing 
Mrs.  Broadfurrow,  three  fingering  her  husband,  presenting  two  to 
old  Rintoul,  and  nodding  to  Nettlefold. 

"  "Well,  here's  a  beautiful  morning,"  observed  he,  now  Colossus- 
of-Rhodesing  with  his  clumsily  built  legs — "most  remarkable 
season  this  I  ever  remember  during  the  five-and-thirty  years  that 
I  have  kept  haryers — more  like  summer  than  winter,  only  the 
trees  are  as  bare  of  leaves  as  boot-trees,  haw,  haw,  haw." 

"He,  he,  he,"  chuckled  old  Wotherspoon,  "v-a-a-ry  good. 
Major,  v-a-a-ry  good,"  drawled  he,  taking  a  plentiful  replenisli- 
ment  of  snuff  as  he  spoke. 

Breakfast  was  then  announced,  and  the  Major  making  up  to  the 
inflated  Mrs.  Wotherspoon  tendered  his  arm,  and  with  much 
difficulty  piloted  her  past  the  table  into  the  little  duplicate  parlour 
across  the  passage,  followed  by  Wotherspoon  with  Mrs.  Broad- 
furrow  and  the  rest  of  the  party. 

And  now  the  fruits  of  combined  science  appeared  in  the  elegant 
arrangement  of  the  breakfast-table,  the  highly  polished  plate 
vieing  with  the  snowy  whiteness  of  the  cloth,  and  the  pyramidical 
napkins  encircling  around.  Then  there  was  the  show  pattern  tea 
and  coffee  services,  chased  in  wreaths  and  scrolls,  presented  to  Mr. 
Wotherspoon  by  the  Duke  of  Thunderdownshire  on  his  marriage  ; 
the  Louis  Quatorze  kettle  presented  to  Mrs.  Wotherspoon  by  the 
Duchess,  with  the  vine-leaf-patterned  cake-basket,  the  Sutherland- 
patterned  toast-rack,  and  the  tulip-patterned  egg-stand,  the  gifts 
and  testimonials  of  other  parties. 

Nor  was  the  entertainment  devoted  to  mere  show,  for  piles  of 
cakes  and  bread  of  every  shape  and  make  were  scattered  profusely 
about,  while  a  couple  of  covered  dishes  on  the  well  polished  little 
sideboard  denoted  that  the  fourchette  of  the  card  was  not  a  mere 
matter  of  form.  Best  of  all,  a  group  of  flat  vine-leaf  encircling 
Champagne  gksses  denoted  thi'.t  the  repast  was  to  be  enlivened 
with  the  exhilarating  beverage. 

The  party  having  at  length  settled  into  seats,  Major  Yammerton 
on  Mrs.  Wotherspoon's  right,  Mr.  Pringle  on  her  left,  Mrs.  Broad- 
furrow  on  Spoon's  right,  her  husband  on  his  left,  with  Rintoul 
and  Nettlefold  filling  in  tlie  interstices,  breakfast  began  in  right 
earnest,  and  Mrs.  Wotherspoon  having  declined  the  ]\Iajor's  offer 
of  assisting  with  the  coffee,  now  had  her  hands  so  full  distributing 
the  beverages  as  to  allow  him  to  apply  himself  sedulously  to  his 
food.  This  he  did  most  determinedly,  visiting  first  one  detach- 
ment of  cakes,  then  another,  and  helping  himself  liberally  to  both 


ASK    MAMMA.  36? 

haslied  woodcocks  and  kidneys  from  under  the  covers.  His  quick 
eye  having  detected  the  Champagne  glasses,  and  knowing 
Wotherspoon's  reputed  connoisseurship  in  wines,  he  dcch'ned  Mrs. 
Wotherspoon's  tea,  reserving  himself  for  what  was  to  follow.  In 
truth,  Spoon  was  a  good  judge  o;"  wine,  so  much  so  that  he  acted 
as  a  sort  of  decoy  duck  to  a  London  house,  who  sent  him  very 
different  samples  to  the  wine  they  supplied  to  the  customers  with 
whom  he  picked  up.  He  had  had  a  great  deal  of  experience  in 
wines,  never,  in  the  course  of  a  longish  life  having  missed  the 
chance  of  a  glass,  good,  bad,  or  indifferent.  We  have  seen  many 
men  set  up  for  judges  without  a  tithe  of  Wotherspoon's  ex- 
perience. Look  at  a  Club  for  instance.  We  see  the  footman  of 
yesterday  transformed  into  the  butler  of  to-day,  giving  his  opinion 
to  some  newly  joined  member  on  the  next,  with  all  the  authority 
of  a  professor — talking  of  vintages,  and  flavours,  and  roughs  and 
smooths,  and  sweets,  and  drys,  as  if  he  had  been  drinking  wine  all 
his  life.  Wotherspoon's  prices  were  rather  beyond  the  Major's 
mark,  but  still  he  had  no  objection  to  try  his  wine,  and  talk  as  if 
he  would  like  to  have  some  of  the  same  sort.  So  having  done 
ample  justice  to  tlic  eatables  he  turned  himself  back  in  his  chair 
and  proceeded  to  criLicisc  ]\[rs.  Wotherspoon's  now  slightly  flushed 
face,  and  wonder  how  such  a  pretty  woman  could  marry  such  a 
snuffy  old  cock.  Wliile  this  deliberate  scrutiny  was  going  on,  the 
last  of  the  tea-drinkers  died  out,  and  at  a  pull  of  the  bell,  John 
Strong  came  in,  and  after  removing  as  many  cups  and  saucers  as 
he  could  clutcli,  he  next  proceeded  to  decorate  the  table  with 
Champagne  glasses  amid  the  stares  and  breath-drawings  of  the 
company. 

While  this  interesting  oi)eration  was  proceeding,  the  old  dandy 
ho.st  produced  his  snuff-box,  and  replenishing  his  nose  passed  it 
on  to  Broadfurrow  to  send  up  tbe  table,  while  he  threw  himself 
back  in  his  chair  and  made  a  mental  wager  that  Strong  would 
make  a  mistake  between  the  Champau-ne  and  the  Sillery.  The 
glasses  being  duly  distributed,  and  the  Major's  eye  at  length 
caught,  our  liost  after  a  pi-efatory  throat-clearing  hem  thus  pro- 
ceeded to  address  him,  individually,  for  the  good  of  the  company 
generally. 

"Major  Yammerton,"  said  he,  "I  will  take  the  liberty  of  re- 
commending a  glass  of  Sillery  to  you. — The  sparkling,  I  "believe, 
is  very  good,  but  the  still  is  what  I  particularly  pride  myself  upon 
and  re(,'()nmiend  to  my  fi'iends." 

'*Sii-ung!"  continued  he,  addressing  the  clown,  "the  Sillery 
to  j\Iaj(n-  Yaniiiierlon  ; "  looking  at  Strong  as  much  as  t<^  say, 
"you  know  i!'s  the  bntijr  with  the  I'ed  cord  n»uiid  the  neek." 

The    xMajor,  however,  like   many    of    us,  was    not   sullicieiitly 


3C8  ASK    MAMMA. 

versed  in  the  delicacies  of  Champugiie  drinking  to  prefer  the 
Sillcry,  and  to  his  host's  dismay  called  for  the  sparkling-stuff 
that  Wotherspoon  considered  was  only  fit  for  girls  at  a  l)oarding 
school.  The  rest  of  the  party,  however,  were  of  the  Major's 
opinion,  and  all  glasses  were  eagerly  held  fur  the  sparkling  fluid, 
while  the  Sillery  remained  untouched  to  tlie  master. 

It  is  but  justice  to  Wotherspoon  to  add,  that  he  showed  himself 
deserving  of  the  opportunity,  for  he  immediately  commenced 
taking  two  glasses  to  his  guest's  one. 

That  one  having  been  duly  sipped  and  quaflfed  and  applauded, 
and  a  becoming  interval  having  elapsed  between,  IMr.  Wotherspoon 
next  rose  from  his  chair,  and  looking  especially  wise,  observed,  up 
the  table  "  that  there  was  a  toast  he  wished — he  had — he  had — he 
wished  to  propose,  which  he  felt  certain  under  any —  any  (pause) 
circumstances,  would  be  (pause  again)  accepted — he  meant  re- 
ceived with  approbation  (applause),  not  only  witli  approbation,  but 
enthusiasm,"  continued  he,  hitting  off'  the  word  he  at  first  intended 
to  use,  amid  renewed  applause,  causing  a  slight  "  this  is  my  health," 
droop  of  the  head  from  the  Major — "  But  when,"  continued  the 
speaker,  drawing  largely  on  his  snuff-box  for  inspiration,  "  But  when 
in  addition  to  the  natural  and  intrinsic  (pause)  merit  of  the  (hem) 
illustrious  individual  "  ("  Coming  it  strong,"  thought  the  Major, 
who  had  never  been  called  illustrious  before,)  "  there  is  another  and 
a  stronger  reason,"  continued  Wotherspoon,  looking  as  if  he  wished 
he  was  in  his  seat  again — "  a  reason  that  comes  'ome  to  the  'earts 
and  symphonies  of  us  all  (applause).  ("Ah,  that's  the  hounds," 
thought  the  Major,  "only  I  'spose  he  means  sympathies.")  "I 
feel  (pause)  assured,"  continued  Mr.  Wotherspoon,  "  that  the 
toast  will  be  received  with  the  enthusiasm  and  popularity  that 
ever  attends  the  (pause)  mention  of  intrinsic  merit,  however 
(pause)  'umbly  and  inadequately  the  (pause)  toast  may  be  (pause) 
proposed,"  (great  applause,  with  cries  of  no,  no,)  during  which 
the  orator  again  appealed  to  his  snuff-box.  He  knew  he  had  a 
good  deal  more  to  say,  but  he  felt  he  couldn't  get  it  out.  If  he 
had  only  kept  his  seat  he  thought  he  might  have  managed  it.  "  I 
therefore,"  said  he,  helping  Mrs.  Broadfurrow  to  the  sparkling, 
and  passing  the  bottle  to  her  husband  while  he  again  appealed  to 
the  Sillery,  "  beg  to  propose,  with  great  sincerity,  the  'ealth  of 
Her  most  gracious  Majesty  The  Queen  !  The  Queen  !  God 
Bi.KSS  her  ! "  exclaimed  VVotherspoon,  holding  up  a  brimming 
bumper  ere  he  sunk  in  his  chair  to  enjoy  it. 

"  With  all  my  heart ! "  gasped  the  disgusted  IMajor,  writhing 
with  vexation — observing  to  Mrs.  Wotherspoon  as  he  helped  her, 
and  then  took  severe  toll  of  the  passing  bottle  himself,  "  by  Jove, 
your   husband   ought  to    be  in  Parliament — never  heard  a  man 


ASK    MAM^TA  3C9 

acquit  himself  better" — the  Major  following  the  now  receding 
bottle  with  his  eye,  whose  fast  diminishing  contents  left  little 
hopes  of  a  compliment  for  himself  out  of  its  contents.  He  there- 
fore felt  his  chance  was  out,  and  that  he  had  been  unduly  sacrificed 
to  Royalty.  Not  so,  however,  for  Mr.  "VYotherspoon,  after  again 
charging  his  nose  with  snuff,  and  passing  his  box  round  the  table 
while  he  collected  his  scattered  faculties  for  the  charge,  now  drew 
the  bell-cord  again,  and  tapping  with  his  knife  against  the  empty 
bottle  as  "  Strong  "  entered,  exclaimed,  "  Champagne  !  "  with  the 
air  of  a  man  accustomed  to  have  all  the  wants  of  life  supplied  by 
anticipation.  There's  nobody  gets  half  so  well  waited  upon  as  an 
old  servant. 

This  order  being  complied  with,  and  having  again  got  up  the 
steam  of  his  eloquence,  Mr.  Wotherspoon  arose,  and,  looking  as 
wise  as  before,  observed,  "  That  there  was  another  toast  he  had  to 
propose,  which  he  felt  (pause)  sure  would  (pause)  would  be  most 
agreeable  and  acceptable  to  the  meeting, — he  meant  to  say  the 
party,  the  present  party  (applause) — under  any  circumstances 
(sniff,  snuff,  sneeze)  ;  he  was  sure  it  would  be  most  (snuff)  accept- 
able, for  the  great  and  distinguished  (pause),  he  had  almost  said 
illustrious  (sniff),  gentleman  (pause),  was — was  estimable  " — 

*'  This  is  me,  at  all  events,"  thought  the  Major,  again  slightly 
drooping  his  too  bashful  head,  as  though  the  shower-bath  of 
compliment  was  likely  to  be  too  heavy  for  him. 

" was  estimable  (pause)  and  glorious  in  every  relation  of  life 

(applause),  and  keeps  a  pack  of  hounds  second  to  none  in  the 
kingdom  (great  applause,  during  which  the  drooping  head  de- 
scended an  inch  or  two  lower).  I  need  not  after  that  (suufl") 
expression  of  your  (sniff)  feelings  (pause),  undulate  on  the  advan- 
tage such  a  character  is  of  to  the  country,  or  in  promoting  (pause) 
cheerful  hospitality  in  all  its  (pause)  branches,  and  drawinnr 
society  into  sociable  communications  ;  therefore  I  think  I  shall 
(pause)  offer  a  toast  most,  most  heartily  acceptable  (sniff)  to  all 
your  (snuff)  feelings,  when  I  propose,  in  a  bumper  to;ist,  tlie 
health  of  our  most — most  distinguished  and — and  hospitable  hont 
■ — guest,  I  mean — Major  Yammerton,  and  his  harriers  I "  saying 
which,  the  old  orator  filled  himself  a  bumper  of  Sillery,  and  sent 
the  sparkling  beverage  foaming  and  creaming  on  its  tour.  He 
then  pi'csentiy  led  the  charge  with  a  loud,  ''  ]\[ajor  !  your  very 
good  health !  " 

"  Major,  your  very  good  health  !  "  "  Your  very  good  health, 
Major  !  "  "  Major,  your  very  good  health  !  "  then  followed  up  as 
quickly  as  the  glasses  could  be  replenished,  and  the  last  explosion 
having  taken  place,  the  little  IMajor  arose,  and  looked  around  him 
like  a   J>autam  cock  going  to  crow.     He  was  a  man  whu  could 


37t)  Af^K    MAMMA. 

make  what  he  would  call  an  off-hand  speech,  provided  he  wns 
allowed  to  begin  with  a  particular  word,  and  that  word  was  "  for," 
Accordingly,  he  now  began  with, — 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  For  the  very  distinguished  honour  you 
have  thus  most  unexpectedly  done  me,  I  beg  to  return  you  my 
most  grateful  and  cordial  thanks.  (Applause.)  I  beg  to  assure 
you,  that  the  'steem  and  approbation  of  my  perhaps  too  partial 
friends,  is  to  me  the  most  gratifying  of  compliments  ;  and  if  during 
the  five-and-thirty  years  I  have  kept  haryers,  I  have  contributed 
in  any  way  to  the  'armony  and  good  fellowship  of  this  neighbour- 
hood, it  is  indeed  to  me  a  source  of  unfeigned  pleasure.  (Applause.) 
I  'ope  1  may  long  be  spared  to  continue  to  do  so.  (Renewed 
applause.)  Being  upon  my  legs,  ladies  and  gentlemen,"  continued 
he,  "  and  as  I  see  there  is  still  some  of  th:s  most  excellent  and  ex- 
hilarating beverage  in  the  bottle  (the  ]\rajor  holding  up  a  half- 
emptied  one  as  he  spoke),  permit  me  to  conclude  by  proposing  as 
a  toast  the  'ealth  of  our  inestimable  'ost  and  'ostess — a  truly 
exemplary  couple,  who  only  require  to  be  known  to  be  respected 
and  esteemed  as  they  ought  to  be.  (Applause.)  I  have  great 
pleasure  in  proposing  the  'ealth  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Wotherspoon  ! 
(Applause.)  Mrs.  \yotherspoon,"  continued  he,  bowing  very  low 
to  his  fair  hostess,  and  looking,  as  he  thought,  most  insinuating, 
"  your  very  good  'ealth  !  "Wotherspoon  !  "  continued  he,  standing 
erect,  and  elevating  his  voice,  "  Your  very  good  'ealth  !  "  saying 
which  he  quaffed  off  his  wine,  and  resumed  his  seat  as  the  drinking 
of  the  toast  became  general. 

Meanwhile  old  Wotherspoon  had  taken  a  back  hand  at  the 
Sillery,  and  again  arose,  glass  in  hand,  to  dribble  out  his  thanks 
for  the  honour  the  Major  and  company  had  done  Mrs.  Wother- 
spoon and  himself,  which  being  the  shortest  speech  he  had  made, 
was  received  with  the  greatest  applause. 

All  parties  had  now  about  arrived  at  that  comfortable  state  when 
the  inward  monitor  indicates  enough,  and  the  active-minded  man 
turns  to  the  consideration  of  the  "  next  article,  mem," — as  the 
teasing  shop-keepers  say.  The  Major's  "next  article,"  we  need 
hardly  say,  was  his  haryers,  which  were  still  promenading  in  front 
of  the  ivy-mantled  tower,  before  an  admiring  group  of  pedestrians 
and  a  few  sorrily  mounted  horsemen, — old  Duffield,  Dick  Trail, 
and  one  or  two  others, — who  would  seem  rather  to  have  come  to 
offer  up  their  cattle  for  the  boiler,  than  in  expectation  of  their 
being  able  to  carry  them  across  country  with  the  hounds.  These 
are  the  sort  of  people  who  stamp  the  farmers'  hedges  down,  and 
make  hare  hunting  unpopular. 

"  Well,  sir,  what  say  you  to  turning  out  ? "  now  asked  our 
Muster,  as  Wothersj)oon  still  kept  working  away  at  the  Sillery,  and 


Af^K    MA^T^TA.  871 

mnnndering  on  to  Mr.  Broadfurrow  about  the  Morning  Post  and 
high  life. 

"  Well,  sir,  what  yon  think  proper,"  replied  Spoon,  taking  a 
heavy  pinch  of  snuir,  and  looking  at  tlie  empty  bottles  on  the 
tal)le. 

"  The  hare,  you  say,  is  close  at  hand,"  observed  our  master  of 
hounds, 

"  Close  at  hand,  close  at  hand — at  the  corner  of  ray  field,  in 
fact,"  assented  Wotherspoon,  as  if  there  was  no  occasion  to  be  in 
a  hurry. 

"  Then  let's  be  at  her  ! "  exclaimed  the  Major,  rising  with  wine- 
inspired  confidence,  and  feehng  that  it  would  require  a  very  big 
fence  to  stop  him  with  the  hounds  in  full  cry. 

"  Well,  but  we  are  going  to  see  you,  ain't  we  ?  "  asked  Mrs. 
Wotherspoon. 

"By  all  means,"  replied  our  Master  ;  adding,  "but  hadn't  yon 
better  get  your  bonnet  on  ?  " 

"  Certainly,"  rejoined  Mrs.  Wotherspoon,  looking  significantly 
at  ;Mi-s.  Broadfurrow  ;  whereupon  the  latter  rose,  and  with  much 
squeezing,  and  pardoning,  and  thank-you-ing,  the  two  succeeded 
in  ellecting  a  retreat.  The  gentlemen  then  began  kicking  their 
legs  about,  feeling  as  though  they  would  not  want  any  dinner  that 
day. 


CHAPTEK    LV. 

THE  COUNCIL  OF  WAR. — rOOR  PUSS  AGAIN  ! 

While  the  ladies  were  absent  adorning  themselves,  the  gentle- 
men held  a  council  of  war  as  to  the  most  advisable  mode  of  dealing 
with  the  hare,  and  the  best  way  of  making  her  face  a  good  coun- 
try. The  Major  thought  if  they  could  set  her  a-going  with  her 
head  towards  MarLiufield-heath,  they  would  stand  a  good  chance  of 
a  run  ;  while  Broadfurrow  feared  Borrowdale  brook  would  be  in 
the  way. 

"  Why  not  Linacres  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Rintoul,  who  preferred  hav- 
ing the  hounds  over  any  one's  farm  but  his  own. 

"  Linacres  is  not  a  bad  line,"  assented  the  Major  thoughtfully  ; 
"  Linacres  is  not  a  bad  line,  'specially  if  she  keeps  clear  of  Min- 
8terfield-wood  and  Dowland  preserve  ;  but  if  once  she  gets  to  the 
preserve  it's  all  U.  P.,  for  we  should  have  as  mnuy  \\i\ro<  as  honnds 
in  five  minutes,  to  say  nothing  of  Mr.  (JrumbleLou  reading  the 
riot  act  among  us  to  boot." 


:572  ASK     MAMMA. 

"  I'll  tell  ye  how  to  do,  then,"  interposed  fat  Mr.  Nettlefold, 
holding  his  coat  laps  behind  him  as  he  protruded  his  great  uauarj- 
coloured  stomach  into  the  ring  ;  "  I'll  tell  you  how  to  do,  then. 
Just  crack  her  away  back  over  this  way,  and  sec  if  you  can't  get 
her  for  Witherton  and  Longworth.  Don't  you  mind,"  continued 
he,  button-holeing  the  Major, "  what  a  hunt  we  had  aboot  eightoen 
years  since  with  a  har  we  put  ofiP  old  Tommy  Carman's  stnbble, 
that  took  us  reet  away  over  Marbury  Plot,  the  Oakley  hill,  and 
then  reet  down  into  Woodbury  Vale,  where  we  killed  ?  " 

"  To  be  sure  I  do  !  "  exclaimed  the  delighted  JNIajor,  his  keen 
eyes  glistening  with  pleasure  at  the  recollection.  "  The  day  Sam 
Snowball  rode  into  Gallowfield  bog  and  came  out  as  black  as  a 
sweep — I  remember  it  well.  Don't  think  I  ever  saw  a  better 
thing.  If  it  had  been  a — a — certain  somebody's  hounds  {he,  he, 
he  !),  whose  name  I  won't  mention  {haw,  haw,  Jiaw  !),  we  should 
never  have  heard  the  last  of  it  {he,  he,  he!)^ 

While  this  interesting  discussion  was  going  on,  old  Wotherspoon 
who  had  been  fumbling  at  the  lock  of  the  cellaret,  at  length  got  it 
open,  and  producing  therefrom  one  of  those  little  square  fibre-pro- 
tected bottles,  with  mysterious  seals  and  hieroglyphical  labels,  the 
particoloured  letters  leaning  diflFerent  ways,  now  advanced,  gold- 
dotted  liquor-glass  in  hand,  towards  the  group,  muttering  as  he 
came,  "  Major  Yammerton,  will  you  'blege  me  with  your  'pinion 
of  this  Maraschino  di  Zara,  which  my  wine  merchants  recommend 
to  me  as  something  very  'tickler,"  pouring  out  a  glass  as  he  spoke, 
and  presenting  it  to  his  distinguished  guest. 

"  With  all  my  heart,"  replied  the  Major,  who  rather  liked  a 
glass  of  liquor  ;  adding,  "we'll  all  give  our  opinion,  won't  we, 
Pringle  ?  "  appealing  to  our  hero. 

"  Much  pleasure,"  replied  Billy,  who  didn't  exactly  know  what 
it  was,  but  still  was  willing  to  take  it  on  trust. 

"  That's  right,"  rejoined  old  Spoon  ;  "  that's  right ;  then  'blege 
me,"  continued  he,  "  by  helping  yourselves  to  glasses  from  tiie 
sideboard,"  nodding  towards  a  golden  dotted  brood  clustering 
about  a  similarly  adorned  glass  jug  like  chickens  around  a  speckled 
hen. 

At  this  intimation  a  move  was  made  to  the  point ;  and  all  being 
duly  provided  with  glasses,  the  luscious  beverage  flowed  into  each 
in  succession,  producing  hearty  smacks  of  the  lips,  and  "  very 
goods  "  from  all. 

"  Well,  I  think  so,"  replied  the  self-satisfied  old  dandy  ;  "  I 
think  so,"  repeated  he,  replenishing  his  nose  with  a  go>  d  pinch  of 
snuif ;  "Comes  from  Steiiiberger  and  Leoville,  of  King  Street, 
Saint  Jeames's — very  old  'quaiiitance  of  mine — great  house  in  tlie 
days  of  CJeorge  the  Fourth  of  lestive  memory.     And,  by  the  way. 


ASK    MAMMA.  373 

that  reminds  me,"  continued  he,  after  a  i(jng-dra\vn  respiration, 
that  I  have  forgotten  a  toast  that  I  feel  (pause)  we  ought  to  have 
drunk,  and — " 

"Let's  have  it  now  then,"  interrupted  the  Major,  presenting 
his  glass  for  a  second  helping. 

"If  you  please,"  replied  Wotherspoon,  thus  cut  short  in  his 
oration,  proceeding  to  replenish  the  glasses,  but  with  more 
moderate  quantities  than  before. 

"  Well,  now  what's  your  toast  ?  "  demanded  the  Major,  anxious 
to  be  off. 

"The  toast  I  was  about  to  propose — or  rather,  the  toast  I 
forgot  to  propose,"  proceeded  the  old  twaddler,  slowly  and  deli- 
berately, with  divers  intermediate  sniffs  and  snuffs,  "  was  a  toast 
that  I  feel  'sured  will  come  'ome  to  the  'arts  and  symphonies  of  us 
all,  being  no  less  a — a — (pause)  toast  than  the  toast  of  the  illustrious 
(pause),  exalted — I  may  say,  independent — I  mean  Prince — Royal 
'Ighness  in  fact — who  (wheeze)  is  about  to  enter  into  the  holy 
state  of  matrimony  with  our  own  beloved  and  exalted  Princess 
(Hear,  hear,  hear).  I  therefore  beg  to  (pause)  propose  that  we 
drink  the  'ealth  of  His  Royal  (pause)  'Ighness  Prince  (pause) 
Frederick  (snuff)  William  (wheeze)  Nicholas  (sniff)  Charles  !  " 
with  which  correct  enunciation  the  old  boy  brightened  up  and 
drank  off  his  glass  with  the  air  of  a  man  who  has  made  a  clean 
breast  of  it. 

"  Drink  both  their  'ealths  !  "  exclaimed  the  Major,  holding  up 
his  glass,  and  condensing  the  toast  into  "  The  'ealths  of  their 
Royal  Highnesses  I  "  it  was  accepted  by  the  company  with  great 
applause. 

Just  as  the  last  of  the  glasses  was  drained,  and  the  lip-smacking 
guests  were  preparing  to  restore  them  to  the  sideboard,  a  slight 
rustle  was  heard  at  the  door,  which  opening  gently,  a  smart  black 
velvet  bonnet  trimmed  with  cerise-coloured  velvet  and  leaves,  and 
broad  cerise-coloured  rib))ons,  piloted  !Mrs.  W^othergpoon's  pretty 
face  past  the  post,  who  announced  that  Mvs.  Broadfurrow  and  she 
were  ready  to  go  whenever  they  were. 

"  Let's  be  going,  then,"  exclaimed  Major  Yammerton,  hurrying 
to  the  sideboard  and  setting  down  his  glass.  "  How  shall  it  be, 
then  ?  How  shall  it  be?"  appealing  to  the  company.  "Give 
them  a  view  or  put  her  away  quietly  ? — give  them  a  view  or  put 
her  away  quietly  ?  " 

"Oh,  j)uL  her  away  quietly,**  responded  Mi-.  BroadfuiTow,  who 
had  seen  many  hares  lost  by  iiuise  and  hurry  at  starting. 

"  With  her  'ead  towards  Martinfield  ?"  asked  the  Major. 

"  If  you  can  manage  it,"  replied  Broadfurrow,  well  knowing 
that  these  sort  of  feats  are  much  easier  planned  than  perform^'^ 

D  JJ 


374  ASK    MAMMA. 

"'Spose  wo  let  ilns.  Wuthcrspoon  put  her  away  I'.t  us,"  now 
sufjji^ested  Mr.  Rintoul. 

*'  By  all  means  !  "  rejoined  the  delighted  ^lajor  ;  "  by  all 
means  !  She  knows  the  spot,  and  will  conduct  us  to  it.  Mrs. 
AVotherspoon,"  continued  he,  stumping  up  to  her  as  she  now  stood 
waiting  in  the  little  passage,  "allow  me  to  have  the  honour  of 
offering  you  my  arm  ;  "  so  saying,  the  Major  presented  it  to  her, 
observing  confidentially  as  they  passed  on  to  the  now  open  front 
door,  "  I  feel  as  if  we  were  going  to  have  a  clipper  !  "  lowering 
the  ominous  hat-string  as  he  spoke. 

"Solomon!  Solomon!"  cried  he,  to  the  patient  huntsman, 
who  had  been  waiting  all  this  time  with  the  hounds.  "  We  are 
going  !  we  are  going  !  " 

"  Yes,  Major,"  replied  Solomon,  with  a  respectful  touch  of 
his  cap. 

"Now  for  it!"  cried  the  Major,  wheeling  sharp  round  with 
his  fair  charge,  and  treading  on  old  AVotherspoon's  gouty  foot, 
who  was  following  too  closely  behind  with  INIrs.  Broadfurrow  on 
his  arm,  causing  the  old  cock  to  catch  up  his  leg  and  spin  round 
on  the  other,  thus  splitting  the  treacherous  cords  across  the 
knee. 

"  Oh-o-o-o  !  "  shrieked  he,  ^M'inkling  his  face  up  like  a  Ne)rfolk 
biifin,  and  hopping  about  as  if  he  was  dancing  a  hornpipe. 

"Oh-o-o-o!"'''  went  he  again,  on  setting  it  down  ii  try  if  he 
could  stand. 

"I  really  beg  you  ten  thousand  pardons  I  "  now  exclaimed  the 
disconcerted  jMajor,  endeavouring  to  pacify  him.  "  I  really  beg 
you  ten  thousand  pardons  ;  but  I  thought  you  were  ever  so  far 
behind." 

"  So  did  I,  I'm  sure,"  assented  Mrs.  Wothcrspoon. 

"  You're  such  a  gay  young  chap,  and  step  so  smartly,  you'd 
tread  on  any  body's  heels,"  observed  the  Major  jocularly. 

"  Well,  but  it  was  a  pincher,  I  assure  you,"  observed  "Wother- 
spoon,  still  screwing  up  his  mouth. 

At  length  he  got  his  foot  down  again,  and  the  assault  party  was 
reformed,  the  Major  and  Mrs.  Wotherspoon  again  leading,  old 
Spoon  limping  along  at  a  more  respectful  distance  with  Mrs. 
Broadfurrow,  while  the  gentlemen  brought  up  the  rear  with  the 
general  body  of  pedestrians,  who  now  deserted  Solomon  and  the 
hounds  in  order  to  see  poor  puss  started  from  her  form.  Solomon 
was  to  keep  out  of  sight  until  she  was  put  away. 

Passing  through  the  little  American  blighted  orchard,  and  what 
Spoon  magnificently  called  his  kitchen  garden,  consisting  of  a 
dozen  grass-grown  gooseberry  bushes,  and  about  as  many  winter 
cabbages,  they  cam^^   ipou  a  partiully-ploughed  fallow,  with  a  most 


D  u  2 


ASK    MAMJfA.  375 

promising  crop  of  conch  grass  upon  the  nnturued  part,  the  hungry 
soil  looking  as  if  it  would  hardly  return  the  seed. 

"  Fine  country  !  fine  country  !  "  muttered  the  Major,  looking 
around  on  the  sun-hright  landscape,  and  thinking  he  could  master 
it  whichever  way  the  hare  went.  Up  Handywell  Lane  for  Martin- 
field  ]\Ioor,  past  Woodrow  Grange  for  Linacres,  and  through 
Farmer  Fulton's  fold-yard  for  Wither  ton. 

Oh,  yes,  he  could  do  it  ;  and  make  a  very  good  show  out  of 
sight  of  the  ladies. 

"  Now,  where  have  you  her  ?  where  have  you  her  ?  "  whispered 
he,  squeezing  Mrs.  Wotherspoon's  plump  arm  to  attract  her  atten- 
tion, at  the  same  time  not  to  startle  the  hare. 

"  0,  in  the  next  field,"  whispered  she,  "  in  the  next  field," 
nodding  towards  a  drab-coloured  pasture  in  which  a  couple  of  lean 
and  dirty  cows  were  travelling  about  in  search  of  a  bite.  They 
then  proceeded  towards  it. 

The  gallant  Major  having  opened  the  ricketty  gate  that  inter- 
vened between  the  fallow  and  it,  again  adopted  his  fair  charge,  and 
proceeded  stealthily  along  the  high  ground  by  the  ragged  hedge  on 
the  right,  looking  back  and  holding  up  his  hand  for  silence  among 
the  followers. 

At  length  Mrs.  Wotlierspoon  stopped.  "  There,  you  see,"  said 
she,  nodding  towards  a  piece  of  rough,  briary  ground,  on  a  sunny 
slope,  in  the  fiir  corner  of  the  field. 

"  I  see  !  "  gasped  the  delighted  Major  ;  "  I  see  !  "  repeated  he, 
"just  the  very  place  for  a  hare  to  be  in — wonder  there's  not  one 
there  always.  Now,"  continued  he,  drawing  his  fair  charge  a  little 
back,  "  we'll  see  if  we  can't  circumvent  her,  and  get  her  to  go  to 
the  west.  Rintoul  !  "  continued  he,  putting  liis  liand  before  his 
mouth  to  prevent  the  sound  of  what  he  said  being  wafted  to  the 
hare.  "  Rintoul !  you've  got  a  whip — you  go  below  and  crack 
her  away  over  the  hill,  that's  a  good  feller,  and  we'll  see  if  we  can't 
have  something  worthy  of  com-mem-mo-ration " — the  ]\rajor 
thinking  how  he  would  stretch  out  the  run  for  the  newspapers — 
eight  miles  in  forty  minutes,  an  hour  and  twenty  with  only  one 
check-  or  something  of  that  sort. 

The  pause  thrilled  through  the  fieUI,  and  caused  our  friend  Billy 
to  feel  rather  uncomfoi'table.  He  didn't  appreciate  the  beauties 
of  the  thing. 

Rintoul  having  now  -"t  to  his  point,  and  prepared  his  heavy 
whip-thong,  the  gallant  hand  advanced,  in  semicircular  order, 
until  they  came  within  a  few  paces  of  where  the  briars  began.  At 
a  signal  IVdm  tlio  ^lajor  tlicy  all  hnltcrl.  The  excitement  was  then 
intensfv 

"  I  see  her!"  now  whisjicred  the  Major  into]\lrs.  Wotherspoon's 


3W  ASK    BIAMMA. 

oar,     "I  see  her  !"    repented  lie,  squeezine^  her  arm,  anrl  pointing 
inwardly  with  his  thonfi'-gatliered  whip. 

Mrs.  Wofcherspoon's  wandering  eyes  showed  that  she  did  not 
participate  in  the  view. 

"  Don't  you  see  tlie  tiill  of  fern  just  below  the  thick  red-berried 
rose  bush  a  little  to  the  left  here  ?  "  asked  the  j\rjijor  ;  "where 
the  rushes  die  out  ?" 

Mrs.  Wothcrspoon  nodded  assent, 

"Well,  then,  she's  just  under  the  broken  piece  of  fern  that 
lies  bending  this  way.  You  can  see  her  cars  moving  at  this 
moment." 

Mrs.  Wotherspoon's  eyes  bvi£>-btened  as  she  saw  a  twinkling 
something. 

"  I^oiv  then,  put  her  aivay !  "  said  the  Major  gaily. 

"  She  won't  bite,  will  she  ?  "  whispei-ed  ]\rrs,  AVotherspoon,  pre- 
tending alarm. 

"  Oh,  bite,  no  !  "  laughed  the  Major;  "hares  don't  bite — not 
pretty  women  at  least,"  whispered  he.  ''  Here  take  ray  whip  and 
give  her  a  touch  beliind,"  handing  ifc  to  her  as  he  spoke. 

Mrs.  Wotherspoon  having  theu  gathered  up  her  violet-coloured 
velvet  dress  a  little,  in  order  as  well  to  escape  the  frays  of  the 
sliarp-toothed  brambles  as  to  show  her  gay  red  and  blacV  striped 
petticoat  below,  now  advanced  cautiously  into  the  rough  sea, 
stepping  carefully  over  this  tussuck  and  t'other,  avoiding  this 
briar  and  that,  until  she  came  within  whip  reach  of  the  fern. 
She  then  paused,  and  looked  back  with  tlie  eyes  of  England 
upon  her. 

"  Up  luith  her  !  "  cried  the  excited  Major,  as  anxious  for  a  view 
as  if  he  had  never  seen  a  hai'e  in  his  life. 

Mrs.  Wotherspoon  then  advanced  half  a  step  further,  and  pro- 
truding the  IMajor's  whip  among  the  rustling  fern,  out  sprang — 
what  does  the  reader  tliink  ? — a  great  tom  cat  ! 

"  Talliihol  "  cried  Billy  Pringle,  deceived  by  the  colour. 

"  Hoop,  hoop,  hoop  !  "  went  old  Spoou,  taking  for  granted  it  wag 
a  hare. 

Crack!  resounded  Eintours  whip  from  afar. 

*■'•  Haw ,  haiv ,  haw  I  never  saw  anything  like  that!"  roared  the 
TiTajor,  holding  his  sides. 

"  Why,  it's  a  cat !"  exclaimed  the  now  enlightened  Mrs.  Wothcr- 
gpoon,  opening  wide  her  pretty  eyes  as  she  retraced  her  steps  to- 
wards where  he  stood. 

"  Cat,  ay,  to  be  sure,  my  dear  !  why,  it's  your  own,  isn't  it  ?  " 
demanded  our  gallant  INFaster. 

"No  ;  ours  is  a  grey — tba^.'sa  tabby,"  replied  she,  returning  him 
his  whip. 


^^A     MA.\JMA.  ^77 

"  Grey  or  tab,  it's  a  cat,"  replied  the  Major,  eyeing  puss  climbing 
up  a  rauch-loppcd  ash-tree  in  the  next  licdge. 

"AVhy,  Spoon,  old  boy,  don't  you  know  a  cat  when  you  see 
her  ?  "  demanded  he,  as  his  chtigrined  host  now  came  pottering 
towards  them. 

"I  thought  it  was  a  hare,  'pon  honour,  as  we  say  in  tiie  Lords," 
repHed  the  okl  buck,  bowing  and  consoHng  himself  with  a  copious 
])inch  of  snuil". 

"  Well,  it's  a  sell,"  said  the  Major,  thinking  what  a  day  he  had 
lost. 

"  D-a-a-vilish  likely  jjlacc  for  a  hare,"  continued  old  Wotlier- 
spoon,  reconnoitring  it  through  his  donole  eye-glasses;  "D-a-a-vilish 
likely  place,  indeed.'* 

"  Oh,  likely  enough,"  muttt  red  the  Major,  with  a  chuck  of  his 
chin,  "  likely  enough, — only  it  isn't  one,  thafs  all !  " 

"Well,  I  wish  it  had  been,"  replied  the  old  boy. 

"So  do  I,"  simpered  his  handsome  wife,  drawing  her  fine  lace- 
fringed  kerchief  across  her  lips. 

The  expectations  of  the  day  being  thus  disappointed,  another 
council  of  war  was  now  held,  as  to  the  best  way  of  retrieving  the 
misfortune.  Wotherspoon,  who  was  another  instance  of  the  truth 
of  the  observation,  that  a  man  who  is  never  exactly  sober  is  never 
quite  drunk,  was  inclined  to  get  back  to  the  bottle.  '•  Better  get 
back  to  the  house,"  said  he,  and  talk  matters  quietly  over  before 
the  fire  ;  "  adding,  with  a  full  replenishment  of  snufl"  up  hi-s  nose, 
"  I've  got  a  batch  of  ancomnionly  fine  Geisenheimer  that  I  would 
like  your  'pinion  of,  ]\Iajor  ;"  but  the  Major,  who  had  had  wine 
enough,  and  wanted  to  work  it  off  with  a  run,  refused  to  listen  to 
the  tempter,  intimating,  in  a  whisper  to  Mrs.  Spoon,  who  again 
hung  on  his  arm,  that  her  husband  would  be  much  lietter  of  a 
gallop. 

And  Mrs.  Wotherspoon,  thinking  from  the  haziness  of  the  old 
gentleman's  voice,  and  the  sapient  twinkling  of  his  gooseberry 
eyes,  that  he  had  had  quite  enough  wino,  seconded  this  view  of 
tlie  matter  ;  whereupon,  after  much  l)acking  and  bowing,  and 
shaking  of  hands,  and  showing  of  teeth,  the  ladies  and  gentlemen 
parted,  the  former  to  the  fire,  the  latler  to  the  field,  where  the 
performance  of  the  pack  must  stand  adjourned  for  ariother 
chapter. 


378 


ASK    MAMMA. 


CHAPTER    LVI. 

A   FINE   IIVN  1 — THE    MAINCHA^'CE   COKHESPONDENCE. 


HE  worst  of  these  de- 
jeuners (i  la  foiiirheite, 
and  also  of  liuiclieons, 
is,  that  they  waste  the 
day,  and  then  send  men 
out  half- wild  to  ride 
over  the  hounds  or 
whatever  else  comes 
in  their  way.  The 
greatest  funkers,  too, 
are  oftentimes  the 
boldest  under  the  in- 
fluence of  false  cou- 
rage ;  so  that  the 
chances  of  mischief 
are  considerably  in- 
creased.   The  mounted 


3II.I,V    IN    ITRSriT. 


Champagne  bottle 
smoking  a  cigar,  at 
page  71,  is  a  good 
illustration  of  what  we 
mean.  AVe  doubt  not 
!Mr.  liongneck  was 
very  forward  in  that 
run. 

All  our  Ivy  Tower 
party  were  more  or  less  primed,  and  even  old  Wotherspoon  felt  as 
if  he  could  ride.  l>illy,  too,  mounted  the  gallant  grey  without  his 
usual  nervous  misgivings,  and  tiotted  along  between  the  ^Major 
and  Rintoul  with  an  easy  Hyde  Park-ish  sort  of  air.  Rintoul  had 
intimated  that  he  thought  they  would  find  a  hare  on  Mr.  jMerry- 
weather's  farm  at  Swayland,  and  now  led  them  there  by  the  fields, 
involving  two  or  three  little  obstacles — a  wattled  hurdle  among  the 
rest — which  they  all  charged  like  men  of  resolution.  The  hurdle 
wasn't  knocked  over  till  tlie  dogs' -meatmen  came  to  it. 

Arrived  at  Swayland,  the  field  quickly  dispersed,  each  on  his  own 
separate  hare-seeking  speculation,  one  man  fancying  a  fallow, 
another  a  pasture  :  Rintoul  reserving  the  high  hedge  near  the 
Mill  bridle-road,  out  of  which  he  had  seen  more  than  one  whipjx'd 


ASK    MAMMA.  379 

in  his  time.  So  they  scattered  themselves  over  the  country, 
flipping  and  flopping  all  the  tufts  ard  likely  places,  aided  by  the 
foot-people  with  their  sticks,  and  their  pitchings  and  tossings  of 
stones  into  bushes  and  hollows,  and  other  tempting-looking  retreats. 

The  hounds,  too,  ranged  far  and  wide,  examining  critically  each 
likely  haunt,  pondering  on  spots  where  they  thought  she  had  been, 
but  which  would  not  exactly  justify  a  challenge. 

While  they  were  all  thus  busily  employed,  Rintoul's  shallow  hat 
in  the  air  intimated  that  the  longed-for  object  was  discerned,  caus- 
ing each  man  to  get  his  horse  by  the  head,  and  the  foot-people  to 
scramble  towards  him,  looking  anxiously  forward  and  hurriedly 
back,  lest  any  of  the  riders  should  be  over  them.  Rintoul  had  put 
her  away,  and  she  was  now  travelling  and  stopping,  and  travelling 
and  stopping,  listening  and  wondering  what  was  the  matter.  She 
had  been  coursed  before  but  never  hunted,  and  this  seemed  a 
different  sort  of  proceeding. 

The  terror-striking  notes  of  the  hounds,  as  they  pounced  upon 
her  empty  form,  with  the  twang  of  the  horn  and  the  cheers  of  the 
sportsmen  urging  them  on,  now  caused  her  to  start ;  and,  laying 
back  her  long  ears,  she  scuttled  away  over  Bradfield  Green  and  up 
Ridge  Hill  as  hard  as  ever  she  could  lay  legs  to  the  ground. 

"  Come  along,  Mr.  Pringle  I  come  along,  j\Ir.  Pringle  !  "  cried 
the  excited  Major,  spun-ing  up,  adjusting  his  whip  as  if  he  was 
going  to  charge  into  a  solid  square  of  infantiy.  He  then  popped 
through  an  open  gate  on  the  left. 

The  bustling  beauties  of  hounds  had  now  fallen  into  their 
established  order  of  precedence.  Lovely  and  Lilter  contending  for 
the  lead,  with  Bustler  and  Bracelet,  and  Rulfler  and  Chaunter,  and 
Ruin  and  Restless,  and  Dauntless  and  Driver,  and  Dancer  and 
Flaunter  and  others  striving  after,  some  giving  tongue  because 
they  felt  the  scent,  others,  because  the  foremost  gave  it. — So  they 
went  truthfully  up  the  green  and  over  the  hill,  a  gap,  a  gate,  and 
a  lane  serving  the  bustling  horsemen. 

The  vale  below  was  not  quite  so  inviting  to  our  "green  linnets" 
as  the  country  they  had  come  from,  the  fields  being  small,  with  the 
fences  as  irregular  as  the  counties  appear  on  a  map  of  England. 
There  was  none  of  that  orderly  squaring  up  and  uniformity  of  size, 
that  enables  a  roadster  to  trace  the  line  of  communication  by  gates 
through  the  country. — All  was  zigzag  and  rough,  indicating  plenty 
of  blackthorns  and  briers  to  tear  out  their  eyes.  However,  the 
Champagne  was  sulliciently  alive  in  our  sportsmen  to  prevent  any 
unbecoming  expression  of  fear,  though  there  was  a  general  looking 
about  to  see  who  was  best  acquainted  with  the  country.  Rintoul 
was  now  out  of  his  district,  and  it  required  a  man  well  up  in  the 
'iue  to  work  them  satisfactorily,  that  is  to  say,  to  keej)  them  in 


SsO  ASK    MAMMA. 

their  saddles,  neither  shooting  them  over  their  horses'  heads  nor 
swishing  them  over  their  tails.  Our  fi'ieud  Billy  worked  away  on 
the  grey,  thinking,  if  anything,  he  liked  him  better  than  the  bay 
He  even  ventured  to  spur  him. 

The  merry  pack  now  swing  musically  down  the  steep  hill,  the 
chorus  increasing  as  they  reach  the  greener  regions  below.  The 
fatties,  and  funkers,  and  ticklish  forelegged  ones,  l)egin  who-a-ing 
and  g-e-e-ntly-ing  to  their  screws,  holding  on  by  the  pommels  and 
cantrells,  and  keeping  their  nags'  heads  as  straight  as  they  can. 
Old  Wotherspoon  alone  gets  oft*  and  leads  down.  He's  afi'aid  of 
his  horse  slipping  upon  its  haunches.  The  sight  of  him  doing  so 
emboldens  our  Billy,  who  goes  resolutely  on,  and  incautiously 
dropping  his  hand  too  soon,  the  grey  shot  away  n-ith  an  impetus 
that  caused  him  to  cannon  off"  Broadfurrow  and  the  Major  and 
pocket  himself  in  the  ditch  at  the  bottom  of  the  hill.  Great  was 
the  uproar  !  The  Richest  Commoner  in  England  was  in  danger  ! 
Ten  thousand  a-year  in  jeopardy  !  "Throw  yourself  off" !  "  "  Get 
clear  of  him  !  "  "  Keep  hold  of  him  !  "  "  Mind  he  doesn't  strike 
ye  !  "  resounded  from  all  parts,  as  first  the  horse's  head  went  up, 
and  then  his  tail,  and  then  his  head  again,  in  his  efforts  to  extricate 
himself. 

At  length  Billy,  seizing  a  favourable  opportunity,  threw  himself 
oft'  on  the  green  sward,  and,  ere  he  could  rise,  the  horse,  making  a 
desperate  plunge,  got  out,  and  went  staring  away  with  his  head  in 
the  air,  looking  first  to  the  right  and  then  to  the  left,  as  the 
dangling  reins  kept  checking  and  catching  him. 

"  Look  sharp  or  you'll  loss  him  !  "  now  cried  old  Duffield,  as 
after  an  ineffectual  snatch  of  the  reins  by  a  passing  countryman,  the 
horse  ducked  his  head  and  went  kicking  and  wriggling  and  frolick- 
ing away  to  the  left,  regardless  of  the  tempting  cry  of  the  hounds. 

The  pace,  of  course,  was  too  good  for  assistance — and  our  friend 
and  the  field  were  presently  far  asunder. 

Whatever  sport  the  hounds  had — and  of  course  they  would  have 
a  clipper — we  can  answer  for  it  Mr.  Pringle  had  a  capital  run  ;  for 
his  horse  led  him  a  pretty  Will-o'-the-wisp  sort  of  dance,  tempting 
him  on  and  on  by  stopping  to  eat  whenever  his  rider — or  late 
rider,  rather — seemed  inclined  to  give  up  the  chase,  thus  deluding 
him  from  field  to  lane  and  from  lane  to  field  until  our  hero  was 
fairly  exhausted. — j\Iany  were  the  rushes  and  dashes  and  ventures 
made  at  him  by  hedgers  and  ditchers  and  drainers,  but  he  evaded 
them  all  by  laying  back  his  ears  and  turning  the  battery  of  his 
heels  for  the  contemplation,  as  if  to  give  them  the  choice  of  a  bite 
or  a  kick. 

At  length  he  turned  up  the  depths  of  the  well-known  TiOve  Lane, 
with  its  paved  trottoir,  for  the  damsels  of  the  adjoining  hamlets  of 


ASK    MAMMA.  881 

East  and  West  Woodhay  to  come  dry-shod  to  the  gossip-shop  of 
the  well  ;  and  here,  dressed  in  the  almost-forgotteu  blue  boddic5e 
and  red  petticoat  of  former  days,  stood  pretty  Nancy  Bell,  talking 
matrimonially  to  Giles  Bacon,  who  had  brought  his  team  to  a 
stand-still  on  the  higher  ground  of  the  adjoining  hedge,  on  the 
field  above. 

Hearing  the  clatter  of  hoofs,  as  the  grey  tried  first  the  hard  and 
then  the  soft  of  the  lane,  Bacon  looked  that  way  ;  and  seeing  a 
loose  horse  he  jumped  bodily  into  the  lane,  extending  his  arms  and 
his  legs  and  his  eyes  and  his  mouth  in  a  way  that  was  very  well 
calculated  to  stop  even  a  bolder  animal  than  a  horse.  He  became 
a  perfect  bari-ier.  The  grey  drew  up  with  an  indignant  snort  and 
a  stamp  of  his  foot,  and  turning  short  round  he  trotted  biick, 
encountering  in  due  time  his  agitated  and  indignant  master,  who 
had  long  been  vowing  what  a  trimming  he  would  give  him  when 
he  caught  him.  Seeing  Billy  in  a  hurry, — for  animals  are  very 
good  judges  of  mischief,  as  witness  an  old  cock  how  he  ducks  wlien 
one  picks  up  a  stone, — seeing  Billy  in  a  hurry  we  say,  the  horse 
again  wheeled  about,  and  returned  with  more  leisurely  steps 
towards  his  first  opponent.  Bacon  and  Xancy  were  now  standing 
together  in  the  lane  ;  and  being  more  ])k'asantly  occupied  than 
thinking  about  loose  horses,  they  just  stood  quietly  and  let  him 
come  towards  them,  when  Giles's  soothing  w-ho-o-ays  and  matter- 
of-course  style  beguiled  the  hoi'.se  into  being  caught. 

Billy  presently  came  shuffliiit;-  up,  perspiring  profusely,  with  his 
feet  encumbered  with  mud,  and  stamping  the  thick  of  it  off  while 
he  answered  Bacon's  question  as  to  "  hoo  it  happened,"  and  so  on, 
in  the  grumpy  sort  of  way  a  man  does  who  has  lost  his  horse,  he 
presented  him  with  a  shilling,  and  remounting,  i-ode  ofP,  after  a 
very  fine  run  of  at  least  twenty  minutes. 

The  first  thing  our  friend  did  when  he  got  out  of  sight  of  Giles 
Bacon  and  Nancy,  was  to  give  his  horse  a  good  rap  over  the  head 
with  his  whip  for  its  impudent  stuiudity  in  running  away,  causing 
him  to  duck  his  head  and  shake  it,  as  il'  he  had  got  a  pea  or  a  flea 
in  his  ear. — He  tlien  began  wheeling  round  and  round,  like  a  dog 
wanting  to  lie  down,  much  to  Billy's  alaiin,  for  he  didn't  wish  for 
any  more  nonsense.  That  performance  o\er,  he  again  began 
(lucking  and  shaking  his  head,  and  then  went  moodily  ow,  as  if 
indifferent  to  consequences.  Billy  wished  he  mightn't  have  hit 
him  too  hard. 

When  he  got  home,  he  mentioned  the  horse's  cxtraoidinary 
proceedings  io  the  Major,  who,  being  a  bit  of  a  vet.  and  a  strong 
8US})ector  of  Sir  .Moses' generosity  to  boot,  immediately  set  it  down 
to  the  right  cause — megrims — and  advised  Uilly  to  rctui'ii  him 
forthwith,  intimating  that  Sir  IMoscs  was  not  altogctlier  the  thing 


382  ASK    MAMMA, 

m  the  matter  of  horses  ;  but  our  friend,  who  kept  the  blow  witU 
the  whip  to  himself,  thought  he  had  better  wait  a  day  or  two  and 
see  if  the  attack  would  go  off. — In  this  view  he  was  iiplicld  by 
Jack  Eogers,  who  thought  his  old  recipe,  "  leetle  drop  gin,"  would 
set  him  all  right,  and  proceeded  to  administer  it  to  himself 
accordingly.  And  the  horse  improved  so  much  that  he  soon 
seemed  himself  again,  whereupon  Billy,  recollecting  Sir  Moses's 
strenuous  injunctions  to  give  him  the  refusal  of  him  if  ever  he 
wanted  to  part  with  him,  now  addressed  him  the  following 
letter  : — 

•♦  Yammekton  Grange, 
'*Dear  Sir  Moses, 

"  As  I  find  I  mnst  rehirn  to  totvn  immediatdy  after  the  hunt 
ball,  to  ivhkh  you  icere  so  good  as  invite  me,  and  as  the  horse  you 
were  so  good  as  give  me  would  he  of  no  use  to  me  thej-e,  I  write,  in 
complia?ice  with  my  promise  to  offer  him  back  to  you  if  ever  I  wanted 
to  part  with  him,  to  say  that  he  will  be  quite  at  your  service  after 
our  next  day's  Itunting,  or  before  if  you  like,  as  I  dare  say  the 
Major  will  mou7it  me  'if  1  require  it.  He  is  a  very  nice  horse,  and 
I  feel  extremely  obliged  for  your  very  handsome  intentions  with 
regard  to  him,  ivhich,  under  other  circumstances,  I  shoidd  have  been 
glad  to  accept.  Circumstanced  as  I  am,  however,  he  tvould  be  wasted 
upon  me,  and  tvill  be  much  better  back  in  your  stud. 

"  I  will,  therefore,  send  him  over  on  hearing  from  you  ;  and  yon 
can  either  put  my  I.O.U.  in  the  fire,  or  enclose  it  to  me  by  the  Post. 

"  Again  thanking  you,  for  your  very  generous  offer,  and  hoping 
you  are  having  good  ij.'jort,  1  beg  to  subscribe  myself, 

'*  Dear  Sir  Moses, 

"  Yours  very  truly, 

,.^    c.      ,.         ,r      ,  T,  'MVii.   Pringle. 

'•To  feiE  Moses  MAI^X'MANCE,  Bart., 

Pangburn  Park." 

And  having  sealed  it  with  the  great  seal  of  state,  ho  handed  it  to 
Rougier  to  give  to  the  postman,  without  telling  his  host  what  he 
had  done. 

The  next  post  brought  the  following  answer  : — 

"  Many,  very  many  thanks  to  you,  my  dear  Pringle,  for  your 
kind  recollection  of  me  with  regard  to  the  grey,  ivhich  I  assvre  you 
stamps  you  in  my  opinion  as  a  ynost  accurate  a/ul  e.rcellenl  young 
man. — You  are  quite  right  in  your  estimate  of  my  opinion  of  the 
horse  ;  indeed,  if  1  had  not  considered  him  something  very  far  out 
of  the  common  u:ay,  I  f^hould  not  have  put  him  into  your  hands ; 
but  knowing  him  to  be  as  good  as  he's  handsome,  I  had  very  great 


ASK    MAMMA.  383 

satisfaction  in  placing  him  with  you,  as  well  on  your  own  account 
as  from  your  being  the  nephew  of  my  old  a7id  excellent  friend  and 
brother  baronet,  Sir  Jonathan  Pringle — to  wliom  I  beg  you  to  make 
my  best  regards  when  you  write. 

"  Even  ivere  it  not  so,  however,  I  should  be  precluded  from  ac- 
cepting your  kind  and  considerate  offer  ;  for  only  yesterday  I  sent 
Wetun  into  Doubleimupshire,  to  bring  home  a  horse  Tve  bought  of 
Tom  Toweler,  on  Paul  Straddler's  rccommeiidation,  being,  as  I  tell 
Paul,  the  last  Vll  ever  buy  on  his  judgment,  unless  he  turns  out  a 
trump,  as  he  has  let  me  in  for  some  very  bad  ones. 

*'  But,  my  dear  Pringle,  ain't  you  doing  yourself  a  positive 
injustice  in  saying  that  you  ivotddhave  no  use  for  the  grey  in  town  ? 
Totcn,  my  dear  felloiv,  is  the  very  place  for  a  horse  of  that  colour, 
figure,  and  pretoision  ;  and  a  very  few  turns  in  the  Park,  with  you 
on  his  back,  before  that  best  of  all  pcnnyivorths,  the  chair-sitting 
swells,  might  land  you  hi  the  highest  ranks  of  the  aristocracy 
— unless,  indeed,  you  are  booked  elsewhere,  of  ivhich,  perhaps,  I  liave 
no  business  lo  inquire. 

^^  I  may,  however,  as  a  general  hint,  observe  to  tJie  nephew  of  my 
old  friend,  that  the  Hit-ini  and  Hold-imshire  Mammas  don't  stand 
any  nonsense,  so  you  will  do  well  to  be  on  your  guard.  No ;  take 
my  advice,  my  dear  felloiv,  and  ride  that  horse  in  toum. — It  icill  only 
be  sending  him  to  Tat.'s  if  you  tire  of  him  there,  and  if  it  ivill  in  any 
way  conduce  to  your  peace  of  mind,  and  get  rid  of  any  high-minded 
feeling  of  obligation,  you  can  hand  me  over  ivhatever  you  get  for  him 
beyond  the  oOZ. — And  iliat  reminds  me,  as  life  is  vmertain,  and  it 
is  well  to  do  everything  regularly,  I'll  send  my  agent,  Mr.  Mordecai 
Nathan,  over  with  your  I.O.U.,  and  you  can  give  me  a  bill  at  your 
0W71  date — say  two  or  three  months — instead,  and  that  tvill  make  us 
all  right  and  square,  and,  I  hope,  lielp  to  maintain  the  truth  of  the 
old  adage,  that  short  reckonings  make  long  friends, — which  I  assure 
you  is  a  very  excellent  one. 

"And  now,  having  exhausted  both  my  paper  and  suhject,  I  shall 
conclude  with  repeating  my  due  appreciation  of  your  kind  recollection 
of  my  ii'isJica  :  and  with  best  rememhrances  to  your  host  and  hostess, 
not  forgetting  their  beautiful  daughters,  whom  I  hope  to  see  in  full 
feather  at  the  ball,  1  remain, 

"  My  dear  Pringle. 

*•  Very  truly  and  sinrpyi'ly,  yours, 

"  MosRS  IMainchancI':. 
''To  Wm.  i'RiN(;i.i;.  V.sq.,  at  Majou  Yammerton's, 

"YAMM?:nTMN    (iRANGE, 

•'  HiT-IM    AND    HOLD-IlISUmiu." 


884  ^-Sf^    MAMMA. 

We  need  scarcely  add  that  Mr.  Mordecai  Nathan  followed  quicklj 
on  the  heels  of  the  letter,  and  that  the  I.  0.  U.  became  a  short- 
winded  bill  of  exchange,  thus  saddling  our  friend  permanently 
with  the  gallant  grey.  And  when  Major  Yammerton  heard  the 
result,  all  the  consolation  Billy  got  from  him  was,  '*/  told  you  »o," 
meaning  that  he  ought  to  have  taken  his  advice,  and  returned  the 
horse  as  unsound. 

With  this  episode  about  the  horse,  let  us  return  to  Paugburn 
Park. 


CHAPTER    LVII. 

THE   ANTHONY   THOM   TRAP. 


Sir  Moses  was  so  fussy  about  his  clothes,  sending  to  the  laundry 
for  this  shirt  and  that,  censuring  the  fold  of  this  cravat  and  that, 
inquiring  after  his  new  hunting  ties  and  best  boots,  that  Mrs. 
Margerum  began  to  fear  the  buxom  widow,  Mrs.  Vivian,  was  going 
to  be  at  Lord  Repartee's,  and  that  she  might  be  saddled  with  that 
direst  of  all  dread  inflictions  to  an  honest  conscientious  house- 
keeper, a  teasing,  worreting,  meddling  mistress.  That  is  a 
calamity  which  will  be  best  appreciated  by  the  sisterhood,  and  those 
who  watch  how  anxiously  "widowers  and  single  gentlemen" places 
are  advertised  for  in  the  newspapers,  by  parties  who  frequently,  not 
perhaps  unaptly,  describe  themselves  as  "thoroughly  understanding 
their  business." 

Sir  Moses,  indeed,  carried  out  the  deception  well ;  for  not  only 
in  the  matter  of  linen,  but  in  that  of  clothes  also,  was  he  equally 
particular,  insisting  upon  having  all  his  first-class  dayliglit  things 
brought  out  from  their  winter  quarters,  and  reviewing  tliem 
himself  as  they  lay  on  the  sofa,  ere  he  suffered  Mr.  Bankhcad  to 
pack  them. 

At  length  they  were  sorted  and  passed  into  the  capacious  depths 
of  an  ample  brown  leather  portmanteau,  and  the  key  being  duly 
turned  and  transferred  to  the  ]kronet,  the  package  itself  was 
chucked  into  the  dog-cart  in  the  unceremonious  sort  of  way 
luggage  is  always  chucked  about.  The  vehicle  itself  then  came  to 
the  door,  and  Sir  Moses  having  delivered  his  last  injunctions  about 
the  hounds  and  the  horses,  and  the  line  of  coming  to  cover  so  as  to 
ivoid  public-houses,  he  ascended  and  touching  the  mare  gently 
with  the  whip,  trotted  away  amid  the  hearty — "well  shut  of  yous'' 
of  the  household.    Each  then  retired  to  his  or  her  private  pursuits  ; 


ASK    MAMMA.  386 

Bome  to  drink,  some  to  gamble,  some  to  write  letters,  Mrs. 
^Margenim,  of  course,  to  pick  up  the  perquisites.  Sir  Moses, 
meanwhile,  bowled  away  ostentatiously  through  the  lodges,  stop- 
ping to  talk  to  everybody  he  met,  and  saying  he  was  going  away 
for  the  night. 

Bonmot  Park,  the  seat  of  Lord  Repartee,  stands  about  the 
junction  of  Hit-im  and  Hold-imshire,  with  Featherbedfordshire. 
Indeed,  his  great  cover  of  Tewingtou  Wood  is  neutral  between  the 
hunts,  and  the  best  way  to  the  park  on  wheels,  especially  in  winter 
time,  is  through  Hinton  and  Westleak,  which  was  the  cause  of  Sir 
Moses  hitting  upon  it  for  his  deception,  inasmuch  as  he  could  drive 
into  the  Fox  and  Hounds  Hotel ;  and  at  Hinton,  under  pretence  of 
baiting  his  mare  without  exciting  suspicion,  and  there  make  his 
arrangements  for  the  night.  Accordingly,  he  took  it  very  quietly 
after  he  got  clear  of  his  own  premises,  coveting  rather  the  shades 
of  evening  that  he  had  suffered  so  much  from  before,  and  as  luck 
would  have  it  by  driving  up  Skinner  Lane,  infitcsd  of  through 
Nelson  Street,  he  caught  a  back  view  of  Paul  Straddler,  as  for  the 
twenty -third  time  that  worthy  peeped  through  the  panes  of  Mrs. 
Winship,  the  straw-bonnet  maker's  window  in  the  market-place, 
at  a  pretty  young  girl  she  had  just  got  from  Stownewton.  Seeing 
his  dread  acquaintance  under  such  favourable  circumstances.  Sir 
Moses  whipped  Whimpering  Kate  on,  and  nearly  upset  himself 
against  the  kerb-stone  as  he  hurried  up  the  archway  of  the  huge 
deserted  house, — the  mare's  ringing  hoofs  alone,  announcing  his 
coming. 

Ostler  !  Ostler  !  Ostler  !  cried  he  in  every  variety  of  tone,  and 
at  length  the  crooked-legged  individual  filling  that  and  other 
offices,  came  hobbling  and  scratching  his  head  to  the  summons. 
Sir  Moses  alighting  then,  gave  him  the  reins  and  whip  ;  and 
wrapper  in  hand,  proceeded  to  the  partially  gas-lit  door  in  the 
archway,  to  provide  for  himself  while  the  ostler  looked  after  the 
mare. 

Now,  it  so  happened,  that  what  with  bottle  ends  and  whole 
bottles,  and  the  occasional  contributions  of  the  generous,  our  friend 
Peter  the  waiter  was  even  more  inebriated  than  he  appears  at  page 
2G3  ;  and  the  rumbling  of  gig-wheels  up  the  yard  only  made  liira 
waddle  into  the  travellers'  i-oom,  to  stir  the  fire  and  twist  up  a  bit 
of  paper  to  light  the  gas,  in  case  it  was  any  of  the  despised 
brotherhood  of  the  road. —  He  thought  very  little  of  bagmen — Mr. 
Customer  was  the  man  for  his  money.  Now,  he  rather  expected 
Mr.  Silesia,  ^lessrs.  Bucki-ain  the  clothiers'  representative,  if  not 
]Mr.  .laconette,  the  draper's  also,  about  this  time  :  and  meeting  Sir 
Moses  hurrying  in  top-coated  and  cravated  with  the  usual 
accompaniments  of  the  road,  he  concluded  it  was  one  of  then^  ;  so 


386  ASK    MA^]MA. 

capped  him  on  to  the  commercial  room  with  his  dirty  duster- 
holding  Iiand. 

"  Get  me  a  private  room,  Peter  ;  get  me  a  private  room," 
demanded  the  Baronet,  making  for  the  bottom  of  the  staircase 
away  from  the  indicated  line  of  scent. 

"  Private  room,"  muttered  Peter.     "  Why,  who  is  it  ?  " 

"Me  I  me ! "  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  thinking  Peter  would  recognise 
him. 

"  Well,  but  whether  are  ye  a  tailor  or  a  draper  ?  "  demanded 
Peter,  not  feeling  inclined  to  give  way  to  the  exclusiveness  of 
either. 

"  Tailor  or  draper  !  you  stupid  old  sinner — don't  you  see  it's 
me — me  Sir  Moses  Mainchance  ?  " 

"  Oh,  Sir  Moses,  Sir,  I  beg  your  pardon.  Sir,"  stammered  the 
now  apologising  Peter,  hurrying  back  towards  the  staircase,  "  I 
rpally  l)egs  your  pardon,  Sir  ;  but  my  eyes  are  beginning  to  fail 
mf\  Sir — not  so  good  as  they  were  when  Mr.  Customer  hunted  the 
country. — Well  Sir  Moses,  Sir,  I  hope  you're  well,  Sir;  and 
whether  will  you  be  in  the  Sun  or  the  Moon?  You  can  have  a 
fire  lighted  in  either  in  a  minute,  only  you  see  we  don't  keep  fires 
constant  no  ways  now,  'cept  in  the  comniorcial  room. — Great 
chaiiire,  Sir  Moses,  Sir,  since  Mr.  Customer  hunted  the  country; 
yes,  Sir,  great  change — used  to  have  fires  in  every  room,  Sir,  and 
brandy  and — " 

"Well,  but,"  interrupted  Sir  Moses,  "I  can't  sit  freezing  up 
stairs  till  the  fire's  burnt  up. — You  go  and  get  it  lighted,  and 
come  to  me  in  the  commercial-room  and  tell  me  when  it's  ready  ; 
and  here!"  continued  he,  "I  want  some  dinner  in  an  hour's 
time,  or  so." 

"  By  all  means,  Sir  Moses.  What  would  you  like  to  take.  Sir 
Moses  ?  "  as  if  there  was  everything  at  command. 

Sir  Hoses — "  Have  you  any  soup  ?  " 

Peter — "  Soup,  Sir  Moses.    No,  I  don't  think  there  is  any  sonp." 

Sir  Moses — "  Fish  ;  have  you  any  fish  ?  " 

Peter — "  Why,  no  ;  I  don't  think  there'll  be  any  fish  to-day,  Sir 
Moses." 

Sir  Moses — "  What  have  you,  then  ? " 

P(?fer— (Twisting  the  dirty  duster;,  "  Mutton  chops — beef  steak 
— beef  steak — mutton  chops — boiled  fowl,  p'raps  you'd  like  to 
take  ?  " 

Sii  Moses — "Xo,  I  shouldn't  {muttering,  most  likely  got  to  be 
caught  and  killed  yet.)  Tell  the  cook,"  continued  he,  speaking 
up,  "  to  make  on  a  wood  and  coal  fire,  and  to  do  me  a  nice  disli 
of  mutton  chops  on  the  gridiron  ;  not  in  the  frying-pan  mind,  ail 
swimming  in  grease  ;  and  to  ))oil  some  mealy  potatoes." 


Al^'K    MAMMA. 


387 


Pfiff>)- — <'  Yes,  Sir  Closes  ;  and  what  would  you  like  to  have  to 
follow  ?  " 
"  Cheese ! "  said  Sir  Moses,  thinking  to  cut  short  the  inquiry. 


SIK    MOSKS    r.NJ'>v: 


HM    CHOP. 


"  And  hurk'e."  continued  Sir  Mopos  :  '•  Don't  make  a  jrreat  man 
of  me  l»y  lirinti'intr  out  your  old  liattcrcd  CMjipcr  showinLT-dislies  ; 
liuf  tell  the  cook  to  send  the  chops  up  hot  and  hot.  hetween  irood 
warm  crockery-wan;  ])hites,  with  ketchup  or  llar\ey  sauce  foi-  me 
to  use  as  1  like." 


388  ASK    MAMMA. 

"Yes,  Sir  Moses,"  replied  Peter,  toddling  off  to  deliver  as  much 
of  the  order  as  he  could  remember. 

And  Sir  Moses  having  thawed  himself  at  the  commercial-room 
fire,  next  visited  the  stable  to  see  that  his  mare  had  been  made 
comfortable,  and  told  the  ostler  post-boy  boots  to  be  in  the  way, 
as  he  should  most  likely  want  him  to  take  him  out  in  the  fly 
towards  night.  As  he  returned,  he  met  Bessey  Bannister,  the 
pretty  chambermaid,  now  in  the  full  glow  of  glossy  hair  and 
crinoline,  whom  he  enlisted  as  purveyor  of  the  mutton  into  the 
Moon,  in  lieu  of  the  antiquated  Peter,  whose  services  he  was  too 
glad  to  dispense  with. — It  certainly  is  a  considerable  aggravation 
of  the  miseries  of  a  country  inn  to  have  to  undergo  the  familiar- 
ities of  a  dirty  privileged  old  waiter.  So  thought  Sir  Moses,  as  he 
enjoyed  each  succeeding  chop,  and  complimented  the  fair  maiden 
so  on  her  agility  and  general  appearance,  that  she  actually  dreamt 
she  was  about  to  become  Lady  Mainchance  1 


CHAPTEE    LVIII. 

THE   ANTHONY   THOM   TAKE. 


Sir  Moses  Mainchance,  having  fortified  himself  against  the 
night  air  with  a  pint  of  club  port,  and  a  glass  of  pale  brandy  after 
his  tea,  at  length  ordered  out  the  inn  fly,  without  naming  its  des- 
tination to  his  fair  messenger.  These  vehicles,  now  so  generally 
scattered  throughout  the  country,  are  a  great  improvement  on  the 
old  yellow  post-chaise,  that  made  such  a  hole  in  a  sovereign,  and 
such  a  fuss  in  getting  ready,  holloaing,  "  Fust  pair  out  !  "  and  so 
on,  to  give  notice  to  a  smock-frocked  old  man  to  transform  him- 
self into  a  scarlet  or  blue  jacketed  post-boy  by  pulling  off  his 
blouse,  and  who,  after  getting  a  leg-up  and  a  ticket  for  the  first 
turnpike-gate,  came  jingling,  and  clattering,  and  cracking  his 
dog-whip  round  to  the  inn  door,  attracting  all  the  idlers  and 
children  to  the  spot,  to  see  who  was  going  to  get  into  the  "  chay." 
The  fly  rumbles  quietly  round  without  noise  or  pretension,  exciting 
no  curiosity  in  any  one's  mind  ;  for  it  is  as  often  out  as  in,  and 
may  only  be  going  to  the  next  street,  or  to  Woodbine  Lodge,  or 
Balsam  Bower,  on  the  outskirts  of  the  town,  or  for  an  hour's  air- 
ing along  the  Featherbedfordshire  or  the  old  London  road.  It 
does  not  even  admit  of  a  pull  of  the  hair  as  a  hint  to  remember 
the  ostler  as  he  stands  staring  in  at  the  window,  the  consequence 
of  which  is,  that  the  driver  is  generally  left  to  open  the  door  for 


ASK    MAMMA.  389 

his  passenger  himself.  Confound  those  old  iniquities  of  travelling  I 
—a  man  used  never  to  have  his  hand  out  of  his  pocket.  Let  not 
the  rising  generation  resuscitate  the  evil,  by  contravening  the 
salutary  regulation  of  not  paying  people  on  railways. 

Sir  Moses  hearing  the  sound  of  wheels,  put  on  his  wraps  ;  and, 
rug  in  hand,  proceeded  quietly  down  stairs,  accompanied  only  by 
the  fair  Bessy  Bannister,  instead  of  a  flight  of  dirty  waiters, 
holloaing  "Coming  down!  coming  down!  now  then!  look  sharp!" 
and  so  on. 

The  night  was  dark,  but  the  ample  cab-lamps  threw  a  gleam 
over  the  drab  and  red  lined  door  that  George  Beer  the  driver  held 
back  in  his  hand  to  let  his  customer  in. 

"  Good  night,  my  dear,"  said  Sir  Moses,  now  slyly  squeezing 
Miss  Bannister's  hand,  wondering  why  people  hadn't  nice  clean 
quiet-stepping  women  to  wait  upon  them,  instead  of  stuck-up  men, 
who  thought  to  teach  their  masters  what  was  right,  who  wouldn't 
let  them  have  their  plate-warmers  in  the  room,  or  arrange  their 
tables  according  to  their  own  desires. — With  these  and  similar 
reflections  he  then  dived  head-foremost  into  the  yawning  abyss  of 
a  vehicle.  "  Bang "  went  the  door,  and  Beer  then  touched  the 
side  of  his  hat  for  instructions  where  to  go  to. 

"  Let  me  see,"  said  Sir  Moses,  adjusting  his  rug,  as  if  he  hadn't 
quite  made  up  his  mind.  "  Let  me  see — oh,  ah  !  drive  me  north- 
wards, and  I'll  tell  you  further  when  we  stop  at  the  Slopewell 
turnpike-gate : "  so  saying  Sir  Moses  drew  up  the  gingling 
window.  Beer  mounted  the  box,  and  away  the  old  perpetual- 
motion  horse  went  nodding  and  knuckling  over  the  uneven 
cobble-stone  pavement,  varying  the  motion  with  an  occasional 
bump  and  jump  at  the  open  channels  of  the  streets.  Presently  a 
smooth  glide  announced  the  commencement  of  Macadam,  and 
shortly  after  the  last  gas-lamp  left  the  road  to  darkness  and  to 
them.  All  was  starlight  and  serene,  save  where  a  strip  of  newly 
laid  gravel  grated  against  the  wheels,  or  the  driver  objurgated  a 
refractory  carter  for  not  getting  out  of  his  way.  Thus  they  pro- 
ceeded at  a  good,  steady,  plodding  sort  of  pace,  never  relaxing  into 
a  walk,  but  never  making  any  very  vehement  trot. 

At  the  Slopewell  gate  Sir  Moses  told  Beer  to  take  a  ticket  for  tiie 
Winterton  Burn  one  ;  arrived  at  which,  he  said,  "  Now  go  on  and 
stop  at  the  stile  leading  into  the  plantation,  about  half  a  mile  on 
this  side  of  my  lodges,"  adding,  "  I'll  walk  across  the  park  from 
there  ;  "  in  obedience  to  which  the  driver  again  plied  his  whip 
along  the  old  horse's  ribs,  and  in  due  time  the  vehicle  drew  up  at 
the  footpath  along-side  the  plantation. — The  door  then  opened. 
Sir  Moses  alighted  and  stood  waiting  while  the  man  turued  his  fly 
round  and  drove  off,  in  order  to  establish  his  night  eyes  ere  he 


890  ASK    MAMMA. 

attempted  the  somewhat  uitricate  passage  through  the  plantation 
to  his  house. 

The  night,  though  dark,  was  a  good  deal  lighter  than  it  appeared 
among  the  gloom  of  the  houses  and  the  glare  of  the  gashghts  at 
Hinton  ;  and  if  he  was  only  well  through  the  plantation,  Sir 
Moses  thought  he  should  not  hare  much  diificulty  with  the  rest  of 
the  way.  So  conning  the  matter  over  in  his  mind,  thinking 
whereabouts  the  boards  over  the  ditch  were,  where  the  big  oak 
stood  near  which  the  path  led  to  the  left,  he  got  over  the  stile, 
and  dived  l^oldly  into  the  wood. 

The  Baronet  made  a  successful  progress,  and  emerged  upon  the 
open  space  of  Coldnose,  just  as  the  night  breeze  spread  the 
twelve  o'clock  notes  of  his  stable  c^ook  through  the  frosty  air,  upon 
the  quiet  country. 

"All  right,"  said  he  to  himself,  sounding  his  repeater  to 
asceiiain  the  hour,  as  he  followed  the  tortuous  track  of  the  foot- 
path, through  cowslip  pasture,  over  the  fallow  and  along  the  side 
of  the  turnip  field  ;  he  then  came  to  the  turn  from  whence  in  day- 
light the  first  view  of  the  house  is  obtained. 

A  faint  light  glimmered  in  the  distance,  about  where  he  thought 
the  house  would  be  situate. 

"  Do  believe  that's  her  room,"  said  Sir  Moses,  stopping  and 
looking  at  the  light.  "  Do  believe  that's  her  signal  for  beloved 
Anthony  Thorn.  If  I  catch  the  young  scroundel,"  continued  he, 
hurrying  on,  "  I'll — I'll — I'll  break  every  bone  in  his  skin." 
With  this  determination,  Sir  ]\Ioses  put  on  as  fast  as  the  now 
darker  lower  ground  would  allow,  due  regard  being  had  to  not 
missing  his  way. 

At  length  he  came  to  the  cattle  hurdles  that  separated  the  east 
side  of  the  park  from  the  house,  climbing  over  which  he  was 
presently  among  the  dark  yews  and  hollies,  and  box-bushes  of  the 
shrubbery.  He  then  paused  to  reconnoitre. — The  light  was  still 
there. — If  it  wasn't  Mrs.  Margerum's  room,  it  was  very  near  it  ; 
but  he  thought  it  was  hers  by  the  angle  of  the  building  and  the 
chimneys  at  the  end.  AVliat  should  he  do  ? — Throw  a  pebble  at 
the  window  and  try  to  get  her  to  lower  what  she  had,  or  wait  and 
see  if  he  could  take  Anthony  Thom,  cargo  and  all  ?  The  night 
was  cold,  but  not  sufficiently  so,  he  thought,  to  stop  the  young 
gentleman  from  coming,  especially  if  he  had  his  red  worsted 
comforter  on  ;  and  as  Sir  Moses  threw  his  rug  over  his  own 
shoulders,  he  thought  he  would  go  for  the  great  haul,  at  all  events ; 
especially  as  he  felt  he  could  not  converse  with  ]\Irs.  Margerum  a 
la  Anthony  Thom,  should  she  desire  to  have  a  little  interchange 
of  sentiment.  With  this  determination  he  gathered  his  rug  around 
him,  and  proceeded  to  pace  a  piece  of  open  ground  among  the 


ASK    MAMMA.  301 

evergreens,  like  the  Captain  of  a  ship  walking  the  quarter-deck, 
thinking  now  of  his  money,  now  of  his  horses,  now  of  Miss 
Bannister,  and  now  of  the  next  week's  meets  of  his  hounds. — He  had 
not  got  half  through  his  current  of  ideas  when  a  footstep  sounded 
upon  the  gravel-walk  ;  and,  pausing  in  his  career,  Sir  Moses 
distinctly  recognised  the  light  patter  of  some  one  coming  towards 
him.  He  down  to  charge  Hke  a  pointer  to  his  game,  and  as  the 
sound  ceased  before  the  light-showing  window.  Sir  Moses  crept 
stealthily  round  among  the  bushes,  and  hid  behind  a  thick 
ground-sweeping  yew,  just  as  a  rattle  of  peas  broke  upon  the 
panes. 

The  sash  then  rose  gently,  and  Sir  Moses  participated  in  the 
following  conversation  : — 

Mrs.  3Iargcrum  (from  above) — "0,  my  own  dearly  beloved 
Anthony  Thorn,  is  that  you,  darling  !  But  don't,  dear,  throw 
such  big  'andfulls,  or  you'll  be  bricking  the  winder." 

Master  Antlwny  Thorn  (from  below) — '*  No,  motluir  ;  only  I 
thought  you  might  be  asleep." 

Mrs.  Margerum — "  Sleep,  darling,  and  you  coming  !  I  never 
sleep  wlien  my  own  dear  Anthony  Thom  is  coming  !  Bless  your 
noble  heart !  I've  been  watching  for  you  this — I  don't  know  how 
long." 

Master  Anthony  Thom — "  Couldn't  get  Peter  Bateman's  cuddy 
to  come  on." 

Mrs.  Margerum — "  And  has  my  Anthony  Thom  walked  all  the 
way  ?  " 

Master  Antho7iy  Thom — "  No  ;  I  got  a  cast  in  Jackey  Lishman 
the  chimbley-sweep's  car  as  far  as  Burnfoot  Bridge.  I've  walked 
from  there." 

Mrs.  Margerum — "  Bless  his  sweet  heart  I  And  had  lie  his 
worsted  comforter  on  ?  " 

Master  Anthony  Thom — "Yes  ;  goloshes  and  all." 

Mrs.  Margerum — "Ah,  golo.slies  are  capital  things.  Tiiey  keep 
the  feet  warm,  and  pnjvciit  your  footsti^ps  from  bi'lng  heard.  And 
lius  my  Anthony  Thom  got  the  letter  I  wrote  to  him  at  the  Sun  in 
th- Sands?" 

Master  Anthony  Thom — *'  No,  never  heard  nothin'  of  it." 

Mrs.  Margerum — "'iVo  .'     Why  what  can  ha'  got  it  ?  " 

Master  Ajithony  Thom — "Don't  know. — Makes  no  odds. — I  got 
tJK'  things  all  tlie  same." 

Mrs.  Margerum — "  0,  but  my  own  dear  Anthony  Thom,  but  it 
does.  Jlr.  Cierge  Gallon  says  it's  very  foolish  for  people  to  write 
anything  if  they  can  'elp  it — they  should  always  send  messages 
by  word  of  mouth.  Mr.  Gallon  is  a  man  of  great  intellect,  and 
I'm  sure  what  he  says  is  right,  and  I  wish  I  had  it  back." 


392  AIS'K     MAMMA. 

Master  Anthony  Thorn — "0,  it'll  cast  up  some  day,  I'll  be 
bound. — It's  of  no  use  to  nobody  else." 

Mrs.  Maryerum — "  I  hope  so,  my  dear.  But  it  is  not  pleasant 
to  think  other  folks  may  read  what  was  only  meant  for  my  own 
Anthony  Thorn.  However,  it's  no  use  crying  over  spilt  milk, 
and  we  must  manish  better  another  time.  So  now  look  out,  my 
beloved,  and  I'll  lower  what  I  have." 

So  saying,  a  grating  of  cord  against  the  window-sill  announced 
a  descent,  and  Master  Anthony  Thorn,  grasping  the  load,  presently 
cried,  "  All  right !  " 

Mrs.  Margeruvi — "  It's  not  too  heavy  for  you,  is  it,  dear  ?  " 

Master  Anthony  Thorn  (hugging  the  package) — "  0,  no  ;  I  can 
manish  it,  When  shall  I  come  again,  then,  mother  ?"  asked  he, 
preparing  to  be  off. 

Mr*.  Maryerum — "  Oh,  bless  your  sweet  voice,  my  beloved. 
When  shall  you  come  again,  indeed  ?  I  wish  I  could  say  very 
soon  ;  but,  dearest,  it's  hardly  safe,  these  nasty  pollis  fellers  are 
always  about,  besides  which,  I  question  if  old  Nosey  may  be  away 
again  before  the  ball ;  and  as  he'll  be  all  on  the  screw  for  a  while, 
to  make  up  for  past  expense,  I  question  it  will  be  worth  coming 
before  then.  So,  my  own  dear  Anthony  Thom,  s'pose  we  say  the 
ball  night,  dear,  about  this  time  o'  night,  and  get  a  donkey  to 
come  on  as  far  as  the  gates,  if  you  can,  for  I  dread  the  fatigue  ; 
and  if  you  could  get  a  pair  of  panniers,  so  much  the  better,  you'd 
ride  easier,  and  carry  your  things  better,  and  might  have  a  few 
fire-bricks  or  hearth-stones  to  put  at  the  top,  to  pretend  you  were 
selling  them,  in  case  you  were  stopped — Avhich,  however,  I  hope 
won't  be  the  case,  ray  own  dear  ;  but  you  can't  be  too  careful,  for 
it's  a  sad,  sinful  world,  and  people  don't  care  what  they  say  of 
their  neighbours.  So  now,  my  own  dearest  Anthony  Thom,  good 
night,  and  draw  your  worsted  comforter  close  round  your  throat, 
for  colds  are  the  cause  of  half  our  complaints,  and  the  night  air 
is  always  to  be  dreaded  ;  and  take  care  that  you  don't  u\  crheat 
yourself,  but  get  a  lift  as  soon  as  you  can,  only  mind  who  it  is 
with,  and  don't  say  you've  been  here,  and  be  back  on  the  ball 
night.  So  good  night,  my  own  dearest  Anthony  Thom,  and  take 
care  of  yourself  whatever  you  do,  for " 

"  Qood  night,  mother,"  now  interrupted  Anthony  Thom,  adjust- 
ing the  bundle  under  his  arm,  and  with  repeated  *'  Good  night,  my 
own  dearest,"  from  her,  he  gave  it  a  finishing  jerk,  and  turaino 
round,  set  off  on  his  way  rejoicing. 

Sir  Moses  was  too  good  a  sportsman  to  holloa  before  his  game 
was  clear  of  the  cover  ;  and  he  not  only  let  Anthony  Thorn's 
footsteps  die  out  on  tlic  gravel-walk,  but  the  sash  of  Mrs. 
Margcrum's  window  descend   ere  he  withdrew  from   his  hiding- 


ASK    3IA3IMA. 


393 


place  and  set  off  iu  i^ursuit.     He  then  went  tip-toeing  along  after 
him,  and  was  soon  within  hearing  of  the  heavily  laden  lad. 

"  Anthony  Thorn,  my  dear  !     Antl}ony  Q'hom,"  whispered  he, 


i.Mi;    illlS    WAY,    V(jU    VuV.Ni^    .MlSLl;i;AN'i 


coming  hastily  ujion  him  as  lie  now  tui-ned  the  corner  of  the 
house. 

Anthony  Thom  st()])]ic(h  and  ti'cmliling  violently  exclaimed, 
"()  ]\lr.  Callon.  is  it  you  ?" 

'•Yes,  my  deal',  ii's  me,"'  rephed   Sir  Moses,  adding,  "you've 


894  ASK    MAMMA. 

got  a  great  parcel,  my  dear  ;  let  me  carry  it  for  you,"  taking  it 
from  him  as  he  spoke. 

"  Shrielc !  shriek  !  scream !  "  now  went  the  terrified  Thorn, 
seeing  into  whose  hands  he  had  fallen.  "  0  you  dom'd  young 
rascal,"  exclaimed  Sir  Moses,  muffling  him  with  his  wrapper, — 
"I'll  draw  and  quarter  you  if  you  make  any  noise.  Come  this 
way,  you  young  miscreant  ! "  added  he,  seizing  him  by  the 
worsted  comforter  and  draggiug  him  along  past  the  front  of  the 
house  to  the  private  door  in  the  wall,  through  which  Sir  Moses 
disappeared  when  he  wanted  to  evade  Mons.  Rougier's  require- 
ments for  his  steeple-chase  money. 

That  passed,  they  were  in  the  stable-yard,  now  silent  save  the 
occasional  stamp  of  the  foot  or  roll  of  the  halter  of  some  horse 
that  had  not  yet  lain  down.  Sir  Moses  dragged  his  victim  to  the 
door  in  the  corner  leading  to  the  whipper-in's  bedroom,  which, 
being  open,  he  proceeded  to  grope  his  way  up  stairs.  "  Harry  ! 
Joe  !  Joe  !  Harry  !  "  holloaed  he,  kicking  at  the  door. 

Now,  Harry  was  away,  but  Joe  was  in  bed  ;  indeed  he  was 
having  a  hunt  in  his  sleep,  and  exclaimed  as  the  door  at  length 
yielded  to  the  pressure  of  Sir  Moses'  foot,  " '  Od  rot  it !  Don't 
ride  so  near  the  hounds,  man  !  " 

"  Joe !  "  repeated  Sir  Moses,  making  up  to  the  corner  from 
whence  the  sound  proceeded.  "  Joe  !  Joe  !  "  roared  he  still 
louder. 

"0,  I  beg  your  pardon  !  I'll  open  the  gate  !  "  exclaimed  Joe, 
now  throwing  off  the  bed-clothes  and  bounding  vigorously  on  to 
the  floor. 

"  Holloa  ! "  exclaimed  he,  awaking  and  rubbing  his  eyes. 
"  Holloa  !  who's  there  ?  " 

"  Me,"  said  Sir  Moses,  "  me," — adding  :  "  Don't  make  a  row, 
but  strike  a  light  as  quick  as  you  can  ;  I've  got  a  bag  fox  I  want 
to  show  you." 

"  Bag  fox,  have  you  ? "  replied  Joe,  now  recognising  his  master's 
voice,  making  for  the  mantel-piece  and  feeling  for  the  box. 
"  Bag  fox,  have  you  ?  Dreamt  we  were  in  the  middle  of  a  run 
from  Ripley  Cuppice,  and  that  I  couldn't  get  old  Crusader  over 
the  brook  at  no  price."  He  then  hit  upon  the  box,  and  with  a 
scrape  of  a  lucifer  the  room  was  illuminated. 

Having  lit  a  mould  candle  that  stood  stuck  in  the  usual  pint- 
bottle  neck,  Joe  came  with  it  in  his  hand  to  receive  the  instruc- 
tions of  his  master. 

"  Here's  a  dom'd  young  scoundrel  I've  caught  lurking  about 
the  house,"  said  Sir  Moses,  pusliing  Anthony  Thom  towards  him 
"  and  I  want  you  to  give  him  a  irood  hiding." 

"  Certainly,  Sir  Moses  ;  certainly,"  replied  Joe,  taking  Anthony 


ASK    MAMMA.  396 

Thorn  by  the  ear  as  he  would  a  hound,  and  looking  him  over 
amid  the  whining  and  whimpering  and  beggings  for  mercy  of  the 
boy. 

"  Why  this  is  the  young  rascal  that  stole  my  Sunday  shirt  off 
Mrs.  Saunders's  hedge  ! "  exclaimed  Joe,  getting  a  glimpse  of 
Anthony  Thom's  clayey  complexioned  face. 

"No,  it's  not,"  whined  the  boy.  "No,  it's  not.  I  never  did 
notliin'  o'  tlie  sort." 

"  Nothin'  o'  tlie  sort  ! "  retorted  Joe,  "  why  there  ain't  two 
hugly  boys  with  hare  lips  a  runnin'  about  the  country,"  pulling 
down  the  red-worsted  comforter,  and  exposing  the  deformity  as  he 
spoke. 

"  It's  you  all  over,"  continued  he,  seizing  a  spare  stirrup 
leather,  and  proceeding  to  administer  the  buckle-end  most  lustily. 
Anthony  Thom  shrieked  and  screamed,  and  yelled  and  kicked, 
and  tried  to  bite  ;  but  Joe  was  an  able  practitioner,  and  Thom 
could  never  get  a  turn  at  him. 

Having  finished  one  side,  Joe  then  turned  him  over,  and  gave 
him  a  duplicate  beating  on  the  other  side. 

"  There  !  that'll  do  :  kick  him  down  stairs  !  "  at  length  cried 
Sir  Moses,  thinking  Joe  had  given  him  enough  ;  and  as  the  boy 
went  bounding  head  foremost  down,  he  dropped  into  his  mother's 
arms,  who,  hearing  his  screams,  had  come  to  the  rescue. 

Joe  and  his  master  then  opened  the  budget  and  found  the 
following  goods  : — 

2  lb.  of  tea  1  bar  of  brown  soap 

1  lb.  of  coffee  |  lb.  of  currants 

3  lb.  of  brown  sugar  1  lb.  of  rushlights 
3  lb.  of  starch  1  roll  of  cocoa 

2  oz.  of  nutmegs  1  lb.  of  orange  peel 
1  lb.  of  mustard                             1  bottle  of  cii]K'rs 

1  bar  of  pale  soap  1  quail  of  split  pc;is 

in  a  dirty  cotton  night-caj-),  marked  C.  F. ;  doubilc^s,  a.s  Sii-  .M'  !scs 
said,  one  of  Cuddy  Flintolf's. 

"  Dom  all  such  dripping,"  said  Sir  IMoscs,  jis  he  desired  Joe  to 
carry  the  things  to  the  house.  "No  wonder  that  I  drank  a  great 
deal  of  tea,"  added  he,  as  Joe  gathered  them  together. 

"  Who  the  deuce  would  keep  house  that  could  help  it  ?  "  mut- 
tered Sir  Moses,  proceeding  on  his  way  to  the  mansion,  thinking 
what  a  trouncing  he  would  give  Mrs.  Margeruni  ere  he  uirned  lui- 
out  of  doors. 


396  ASK    MAMMA. 

CHAPTER    LIX. 

ANOTHER  COUNCIL  OF  WAR. — MR.  GALLON  AT  HOME. 

Mrs.  Margerum  having  soothed  and  pressed  her  beautiful  boy 
to  her  bosom,  ran  into  the  house,  and  hurrying  on  the  everlasting 
pheasant-feather  bonnet  in  which  she  was  first  introduced  to  the 
reader,  and  a  faded  red  and  green  tartan  cloak  hanging  under  it, 
emerged  at  the  front  door  just  as  Sir  Moses  and  Joe  entered  at  the 
back  one,  vowing  that  she  would  have  redress  if  it  cost  her  a  fi' 
pun  note.  Clutching  dear  Anthony  Thorn  by  the  waist,  she  made 
the  best  of  her  way  down  the  evergreen  walk,  and  skirting  the 
gardens,  got  upon  the  road  near  the  keeper's  lodge.  "  Come 
along,  my  own  dear  Anthony  Thom,"  cried  she,  helping  him 
along,  "  let  us  leave  this  horrid  wicked  hole. — Oh,  dear  !  I  wish 
I'd  never  set  foot  in  it ;  but  I'll  not  have  my  Anthony  Thom 
chastised  by  any  nasty  old  clothesman — no,  that  I  won't,  if  it  cost 
me  a  fifty  pun  note  " — continued  she,  burning  for  vengeance. 
But  Anthony  Thom  had  been  chastised  notwithstanding,  so  well, 
indeed,  that  he  could  hardly  hobble — seeing  which,  Mrs.  Margerum 
halted, and  again  pressing  him  to  her  bosom, exclaimed,"  Oh, my  be- 
loved Anthony  Thom  can't  travel ;  I'll  take  him  and  leave  him  at 
Mr.  Hindmarch's,  while  I  go  and  consult  Mr.  Gallon." — So  saying, 
she  suddenly  changed  her  course,  and  crossing  Rye-hill  green,  and 
the  ten-acre  field  adjoining,  was  presently  undergoing  the  tvoiu- 
wow  wow-wow  of  the  farmer  lawyer's  dog,  Towler.  The  lawyer, 
ever  anxious  for  his  poultry,  was  roused  by  the  noise  ;  and  after  a 
rattle  of  bolts,  and  sliding  of  a  sash,  presented  his  cotton  night- 
capped  head  at  an  upper  window,  demanding  in  a  stentorian  voice 
"who  was  there  ?  " 

"  Me  !  Mr.  Hindmarch,  me  !  Mrs.  Margerum  ;  for  pity's  sake 
take  us  in,  for  my  poor  dear  boy's  been  most  shemfully  beat." 
"  Beat,  has  he  !  "  exclaimed  the  lawyer,  recognising  the  voice,  his 
ready  wit  jumping  to  an  immediate  conclusion  ;  "  beat,  has  he  !  " 
repeated  he,  withdrawing  from  the  window  to  fulfil  her  behest, 
adding  to  himself  as  he  struck  a  light  and  descended  the  staircase, 
"  that'll  ha'  summut  to  do  with  the  dripping,  I  guess — always 
thought  it  would  come  to  mischief  at  last."  The  rickety  door 
being  unbolted  and  opened,  Mrs.  Margerum  and  her  boy  entered, 
and  Mrs.  Hindmarch  having  also  risen  and  descended,  the  embers 
of  the  kitchen  fire  were  resuscitated,  and  Anthony  Thom  was 
examined  by  the  united  aid  of  a  tallow  candle  and  it.  "  Oh,  see  ! 
see  !  "  cried  Mrs.  Margerum,  pointing  out  the  wales  on  his  back, 
— "  was   there   ever  a   boy   so  shemfully   beat  ?     But  I'll  have 


ASK    MAMMA.  397 

revenge  on  that  villainous  man, — that  I  will,  if  it  cost  me  a 
hundred  pun  note." — The  marks  seen,  soothed,  and  deplored,  Mrg. 
Hindmarch  began  inquiring  who  had  done  it.  "  Done  it !  that 
nasty  old  Nosey,"  replied  Mrs.  Margerum,  her  eyes  flashing  with 
fire  ;  "  but  I'll  make  the  mean  feller  pay  for  it,"  added  she, — 
"  that  I  will." 

'*  No,  it  wasn't  old  No-No-Nosey,  mo-mo-mother,"  now  sobbed 
Anthony  Thorn,  "  it  was  that  nasty  Joe  Ski-Ski-Skinner." 

"  Skinner,  was  it,  my  priceless  jewel,"  replied  Mrs.  Margerum, 
kissing  him,  "  I'll  skin  him  ;  but  Nosey  was  there,  wasn't  he,  my 
pet  ?  " 

"  0,  yes.  Nosey  was  there,"  replied  Anthony  Thorn,  "  it  was 
him  that  took  me  to  Ski-Ski-Skinner  " — the  boy  bursting  out  into 
a  fresh  blubber,  and  rubbing  his  dirty  knuckles  into  his  streaming 
eyes  as  he  spoke. 

"  0  that  Skinner's  a  bad  un,"  gasped  Mrs.  Margerum,  "  always 
said  he  was  a  mischievous,  dangerous  man ;  but  I'll  have  satisfac- 
tion of  both  him  and  old  Nosey,"  continued  she,  "or  I'll  know 
the  reason  why." 

The  particulars  of  the  catastrophe  being  at  length  related  (at 
least  as  far  as  it  suited  Mrs.  Margerum  to  tell  it),  the  kettle  was 
presently  put  on  the  renewed  fire,  a  round  table  produced,  and 
the  usual  consolation  of  the  black  bottle  resorted  to.  Then  as  the 
party  sat  sipping  their  grog,  a  council  of  war  was  held  as  to  the 
best  course  of  proceeding.  Lawyer  Hindmarch  was  better  versed 
in  the  law  of  landlord  and  tenant — the  best  way  of  a  tenant  doing 
his  landlord, — than  in  the  more  recondite  doctrine  of  master  and 
servant,  particularly  the  delicate  part  relating  to  perquisites  ;  and 
though  he  thought  Sir  Moses  had  done  wrong  in  beating  the  boy, 
he  was  not  quite  sure  but  there  might  be  something  in  the  boy 
being  found  about  the  house  at  an  unseasonable  hour  of  the  night. 
Moreover,  as  farming  times  were  getting  dull,  and  the  lawyer  was 
meditating  a  slope  a  la  Heuerey  Brown  &  Co.,  he  did  not  wish  to 
get  mixed  up  in  a  case  that  miirlit  bring  him  in  collision  with  Sir 
Moses  or  his  agent,  so  he  readily  adopted  Mrs.  Margerura's  sug- 
gestion of  going  to  consult  Mr.  George  Gallon.  He  really  thought 
Mr.  Gallon  would  be  the  very  man  for  her  to  see.  Geordey  waa 
up  to  everything,  and  knew  nicely  what  people  could  srai/d  by, 
and  what  they  could  not ;  and  lawyer  Hindmarch  was  only  sorry 
his  old  grey  gig-mare  was  lame,  or  he  would  have  driven  her  up 
to  George's  at  once.  However,  there  was  plenty  of  time  to  get 
there  on  foot  before  morning,  and  they  would  take  care  of 
Anthony  Thorn  till  she  came  back,  only  she  must  be  good  enough 
not  to  return  till  nightfall ;  for  that  nasty  suspicious  Nathan  was 
always  prowling  about,  and  would  like  nothing  better  than  to  get 


398  ASK    MAMMA. 

him  into  mischief  with  Sir  Moses. — And  that  point  being  settled, 
they  replenished  their  glasses,  and  drank  success  to  the  mission  ; 
and  having  seen  the  belaboured  Anthony  Thorn  safe  in  a  shake- 
down, Mrs.  Margerum  borrowed  Mrs.  Hindmarch's  second  best 
bonnet,  a  frilled  and  beaded  black  velvet  one  with  an  ostrich 
feather,  and  her  polka  jacket,  and  set  off  on  foot  for  the  Rose  and 
Crown  beer-shop,  being  escorted  to  their  door  by  her  host  and 
hostess,  who  assured  her  it  wouldn't  be  so  dark  when  she  got 
away  from  the  house  a  bit. 

And  that  point  being  accomplished,  lawyer  and  Mrs.  Hindmarch 
retired  to  rest,  wishing  they  were  as  well  rid  of  Anthony  Thom, 
whom  they  made  no  doubt  had  got  into  a  sad  scrape,  in  which  they 
wished  they  mightn't  be  involved. 

A  sluggish  winter's  day  was  just  dragging  its  lazy  self  into 
existence  as  Mrs.  Margerum  came  within  sight  of  Mr.  Gallon's  red- 
topped  roof  at  the  four  lane  ends,  from  whose  dumpy  chimney 
the  circling  curl  of  a  wood  fire  was  just  emerging  upon  the  pure 
air.  As  she  got  nearer,  the  early-stirring  Mr.  Gallon  himself 
crossed  the  road  to  the  stable,  attired  in  the  baggy  velveteen 
shooting- jacket  of  low  with  the  white  cords  and  shining  pork- 
butcher's  top-boots  of  high  life.  Mr.  Gallon  was  going  to  feed 
Tippy  Tom  before  setting  off'  for  the  great  open  champion 
coursing  meeting  to  be  held  on  Spankerley  Downs,  "  by  the  kind 
permission  of  Su*  Hany  Fuzball,  Baronet,"  it  being  one  of  the 
peculiar  features  of  the  day  that  gentlemen  who  object  to  having 
their  game  killed  in  detail,  will  submit  to  its  going  wholesale, 
provided  it  is  done  with  a  suitable  panegyrick.  "  By  the  kind 
jiermission  of  Sir  Harry  Fuzball,  Baronet,"  or  "  by  leave  of  the 
lord  of  the  manor  of  Flatshire,"  and  so  on  ;  and  thus  every  idler 
who  can't  keep  himself  is  encouraged  to  keep  a  greyhound,  to  the 
detriment  of  a  nice  lady-like  amusement,  and  the  encouragement 
of  gambling  and  poaching. 

Mr.  Gallon  was  to  be  field  steward  of  this  great  open  champion 
meeting,  and  had  been  up  betimes,  polishing  off'  Tippy  Tom ;  which 
having  done,  he  next  paid  a  similar  compliment  to  his  own  person  ; 
and  now  again  was  going  to  feed  the  flash  high-stepping  screw, 
ere  he  commenced  with  his  breakfast. 

Mrs.  Margerum's  "  hie  Mr.  Gallon,  hie !  "  and  up-raised  hand, 
as  she  hurried  down  the  hill  towards  his  house,  arrested  his 
progress  as  he  passed  to  the  stable  with  the  sieve,  and  he  now 
stood  biting  the  oats,  and  eyeing  her  approach  with  the  foreboding 
of  mischief  that  so  seldom  deceives  one. 

"  0  Mr.  Gallon  !  0  Mr.  Gallon ! "  cried  Mrs.  Margerum, 
tottering  up,  and  dropping  her  feathered  head  on  hib  brawny 
shoulder. 


ASK    MAMMA.  399 

"  WhaCs  oop  t  What's  oop  ?  "  eagerly  demanded  our  sportsman, 
fearing  for  his  fair  character. 

"  0  Mr.  Gallon  !  such  mischief !  such  mischief  !  " 

"Speak,  woman  !  speak  !  "  demanded  our  publican  ;  "  say,  has 
he  cotched  yeV 

"  Yes,  Gerge,  yes,"  sobbed  Mrs.  Margerum,  bursting  into  tears. 

"'I'  'i  devil  he  has  !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Gallon,  stamping  furiously 
witl.  1  ;s  right  foot,  "  Coom  into  it  hoose,  woman;  coom  into  it 
hoose,  and  tell  us'arl  aboot  it."  So  saying,  forgetting  Tippy 
Tom's  wants,  he  retraced  his  steps  with  the  corn,  and  flung 
frantically  into  the  kitchen  of  his  little  two-roomed  cottage. 

"  Here,  lassie  !  "  cried  he,  to  a  little  girl,  who  was  frying  a  dish 
of  bubble-and-squeak  at  the  fire.  "Here,  lassie,  set  doon  it  pan 
loike,  and  tak  this  corn  to  it  huss,  and  stand  by  while  it  eats  it ;" 
so  saying  he  handed  her  the  sieve,  and  following  her  to  the  door, 
closed  it  upon  her. 

"  Noo,"  said  he  to  Mrs.  Margerum,  "  sit  doon  and  tell  us  arl 
aboot  it.     Who  cotched  ye  ?  Nosey,  or  svho  ?  " 

"  i)  it  wasn't  me  !  It  was  Anthony  Thom  they  caught,  and 
they  used  him  most  shemful  ;  but  I'll  have  him  tried  for  his  life 
ofore  my  Lord  Size,  and  transported,  if  it  costs  me  all  I'm  worth 
in  the  world." 

"  Anthony  Thom  was  it  ?  "  rejoined  Mr.  Gallon,  raising  his 
great  eye-brows,  and  staring  wide  his  saucer  eyes,  "Anthony 
Thom  was  it  ?  but  he'd  ha'  nothin'  upon  oi  'ope  ?  " 

"Xothin',  Gerge,"  replied  Mrs.  Margerum,  ''notliin' — less  now 
it  might  just  *appen  to  he  an  old  rag  of  a  night-cap  of  that  nasty, 
covetous  body  Cuddy  Flintolf  ;  but  whether  it  iiad  a  mark  upon 
it  or  not  I  really  can't  say." 

"  0  dear,  but  that's  a  bad  job,"  rejoined  i\Ir.  Gallon,  biting 
l.is  lips  and  shaking  his  great  bull-head  ;  "0  dear,  but  tiiat's  a 
bad  job.  You  know  I  always  chairged  ye  to  be  careful  'boot 
unlawful  goods." 

"  You  did,  Gerge  !  you  did  !  "  sighed  Mis.  jMargerum  ;  "and  if 
this  old  rag  had  a  mai'k,  it  was  a  clear  oversi^llt.  But,  0  dear  !  " 
continued  .she,  bursting  into  teai'S,  "  how  they  did  beat  my 
Anthony  Thom  !"  Witli  this  relief  she  became  more  composed, 
and  proceeded  to  disclose  all  the  particulars. 

"  Ah,  this  'ill  be  a  trick  of  those  nasty  pollis  fellei's,"  observed 
]\Ir.  Gallon  thoughtfully,  "oi  know'd  they'd  be  the  ruin  o'  trade  as 
sr)on  as  ever  they  came  into  it  country  loikc — nasty  pokin',  pryin', 
mischievous  fellers.  lIo()?oiniver  it  mun  be  seen  to,  and  that 
(luiekly,"  continued  he,  "  for  it  would  damage  me  desp'rate  on  the 
Torf  to  have  ony  disturbance  o'  this  sort,  and  we  mun  stop  it  if 
we  can.     Here,  lassie  !  "  cried  he  to  the  little  frii'l  who  had  now 


400  ASK    MAMMA. 

returned  from  the  stable,  '*  lay  cloth  i'  next  room  foike,  and  then 
finish  the  fryin' ;  and  oi'll  tell  ye  what,"  continued  he,  laying  hia 
huge  hand  on  Mrs.  Margerum  s  shoulder,  "  oi've  got  to  go  to  it 
champion  cooursin'  meetin',  so  I'll  just  put  it  hus  into  harness 
and  droive  ye  round  by  it  Bird-i'-the-Bush,  where  we'll  find 
Carroty  Kebbel,  who'll  tell  us  what  te  do,  for  oi  don't  like  the 
noight-cap  business  some  hoo,"  so  saying  Mr.  Gallon  took  his 
silver  plated  harness  down  from  its  peg  in  the  kitchen,  and 
proceeded  to  caparison  Tippy  Tom,  while  the  little  girl,  now 
assisted  by  Mrs.  ^Margerum,  prepared  the  breakfast,  and  set  it  on 
the  table.  Rather  a  sumptuous  repast  they  had,  considering  it 
was  only  a  way-side  beer-shop ;  bubble-and-squeak,  reindeer- 
tongue,  potted  game,  potted  shrimps,  and  tea  strikingly  like  some 
of  Sir  Moses's.  The  whole  being  surmounted  with  a  glass  a-piece 
of  pure  British  gin,  Mr.  Gallon  finished  his  toilette,  and  then  left 
to  put  the  high-stepping  screw  into  the  light  spring-cart,  while 
Mrs.  Margerum  reviewed  her  visage  in  the  glass,  and  as  the  open- 
works clock  in  the  kitchen  struck  nine,  they  were  dashing  down 
the  Heatherbell-road  at  the  rate  of  twelve  miles  an  hour. 


CHAPTER    LX. 

MR.    CARROTY   KEBBEL. 


Mr.  Carroty  Kebbel  was  a  huge  red-haired,  Crimean-bearded, 
peripatetic  attorney,  who  travelled  from  petty  sessions  to  petty 
sessions,  spending  his  intermediate  time  at  the  public  houses, 
ferreting  out  and  getting  up  cases.  He  was  a  roistering  ruffian, 
who  contradicted  everybody,  denied  everything,  and  tried  to  get 
rid  of  what  he  couldn't  answer  with  a  horse-laugh.  He  was  in 
good  practice,  for  he  allowed  the  police  a  liberal  per-centage  for 
bringing  him  prosecutions,  while  his  bellowing  bullying  insured 
him  plenty  of  defences  on  his  own  account.  He  was  retained  by 
half  the  ragamuffins  in  the  country.  He  hu-d  long  been  what  Mr. 
Gallon  not  inaptly  called  his  "  liar,"  and  bad  done  him  such 
good  service  as  to  earn  free  quarters  at  the  Rose  and  Crown 
whenever  he  liked  to  call.  He  had  been  there  only  the  day  before, 
in  the  matter  of  an  alibi  he  was  getting  up  for  our  old  hare- 
finding  friend  Springer,  who  was  most  unhandsomely  accused  of 
night-poacliing  in  Lord  Oilcake's  preserves,  and  that  was  how 
Mr.  Gallon  knew  where  to  find  him.  The  Crumpletin  railway 
had  opened  out  a  fine  consecutive  line  of  petty  sessions,  out  of 


Ask    MAMMA.  461 

which  Carrots  had  carved  a  "  home  circuit  "  of  his  own.     lie  was 
then  on  his  return  tour. 

With  the  sprightly  exertions  of  Tippy  Tom,  Gallon  and  Mrs. 
Margerum  were  soon  within  sight  of  the  Bird-in-the-Bush  Inn,  at 
which  Gallon  drew  up  with  a  dash.  Carrots,  however,  had  left 
some  half-hour  before,  taking  the  road  for  Farningford,  where  the 
petty  sessions  were  about  to  be  held  ;  and  though  this  was  some- 
what out  of  Gallon's  way  to  Spankerley  Downs,  yet  the  urgency  of 
the  case  determined  him  to  press  on  in  pursuit,  and  try  to  see 
Carrots.  Tippy  Tom,  still  full  of  running,  went  away  again  like 
a  shot,  and  bowling  through  Kimberley  toll-bar  with  the  air  of  a 
man  who  was  free,  Gallon  struck  down  the  Roughfield  road  to  the 
left,  availing  himself  of  the  slight  fall  of  the  ground  to  make  the 
cart  run  away  with  the  horse,  as  it  were,  and  so  help  him  up  the 
opposing  hill.  That  risen,  they  then  got  upon  level  ground  ;  and, 
at'cer  bowling  along  for  about  a  mile  or  so,  were  presently  cheered 
with  the  sight  of  the  black  wide-awake  crowned  lawyer  stridmg 
away  in  the  distance. 

Carrots  was  a  disciple  of  the  great  Sir  Charles  Napier,  who  said 
that  a  change  of  linen,  a  bit  of  soap,  and  a  comb  were  kit  enough 
for  any  one  ;  and  being  only  a  two-shirts-a-week  man,  he 
generally  left  his  "  other  "  one  at  such  locality  as  he  was  likely  to 
reach  about  the  middle  of  it,  so  as  to  ajiportion  the  work  equally 
between  them.  This  was  clean-shirt  day  with  him,  and  he  was 
displaying  his  linen  in  the  ostentatious  way  of  a  man  little 
accustomed  to  the  luxury.  AVith  the  exception  of  a  lavender-and- 
white  coloured  watch-ribbon  tic,  he  was  dressed  in  a  complete  suit 
of  black-grounded  tweed,  with  the  purple  dots  of  an  incipient  rash, 
the  coat  having  capacious  outside  pockets,  and  the  truuscrs  being 
now  turned  up  at  the  bottoms  to  avoid  the  mud  ;  "  showing  " 
rhinoceros  hide-like  shoes  covering  most  Ibrmidable-looking  feet. 
Such  was  the  monster  who  was  now  swinging  along  the  highway 
at  the  rate  of  live  miles  an  hour,  in  the  full  vigour  of  manhood, 
and  the  pride  of  the  morning.  At  the  sight  of  him  in  advance, 
Mr.  Gallon  just  touched  Tijipy  Tom  with  the  point  of  the  whip, 
which  the  animal  resented  with  a  dash  at  the  collar  and  a  shake 
of  the  head,  that  as  good  as  said,  "You'd  better  not  do  that  again, 
master,  unless  you  wish  to  take  your  vehicle  home  in  a  sack." 
]Mr.  Gallon  therefore  refrained,  enlisting  the  aid  of  his  voice 
instead,  and  after  a  series  of  those  slangey-whiney  yaah-hoo ! 
yaah-hoo's !  that  the  swell-stage-coachmen,  as  they  called  the 
Snobs,  used  to  indulge  in  to  clear  the  road  or  attract  attention, 
Mr.  Gallon  broke  out  into  a  good  downright  "  Holloa,  Mr. 
Kebrel  !  Holloa  !  " 

At  the  sound  of  his  name,  Carrots,  who  was  spouting  h.is  usual 

F  1' 


4tAj  Ask  Mamma. 

cvculpatory  speech,  vowing  be  felt  certain  no  bench  of  Justices 
would  convi'^-t  on  such  evidence,  and  so  on,  pulled  up  ;  and  Mr. 
Gallon,  wavinp;  his  whip  over  his  head,  he  faced  about,  and  sat 
down  on  a  milestone  to  wait  his  coming.  The  vehicle  was 
presently  alongside  of  him. 

"  Holloa,  George ! "  exclaimed  Carrots,  rising  and  shaking 
hands  with  his  client.  "  Holloa !  What's  up  ?  Who's  this 
you've  got  ? "  looking  intently  at  Mrs.  Margerum. 

"I'll  tell  you,"  said  George,  easing  the  now  quivering-tailed 
Tippy  Tom's  head  ;  "  this  is  Mrs.  Margerum  you've  heard  me 
speak  'boot  ;  and  she's  loike  to  get  into  a  little  trooble  loike  ;  and 
I  tell'd  her  she'd  best  see  a  '  liar '  as  soon  as  she  could." 

"  Just  so,"  nodded  Kebbel,  anticipating  what  had  happened. 

"You  see,"  continued  Mr.  Gallon,  winding  his  whip  thong 
round  the  stick  as  he  spoke  "  in  packing  up  some  little  bit  things 
in  a  hurry  loike,  she  put  up  a  noight  cap,  and  she's  not  quoite 
sure  whether  she  can  stand  by  it  or  not,  ye  know." 

"  I  see,"  assented  Carrots  ;  "  and  they've  got  it,  I  'spose  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know  that  they  got  it,"  now  interposed  Mrs. 
Margerum  ;  "  but  they  got  my  Anthony  Thom,  and  beat  him 
most  sliameful.     Can't  I  have  redress  for  my  Anthony  Thom  ?  " 

"  We'll  see,"  said  Carrots,  resuming  his  seat  on  the  milestone, 
and  proceeding  to  elicit  all  particulars,  beginning  with  the  usual 
important  inquiry,  whether  Anthony  Thom  had  said  anything  or 
not.  Finding  *he  had  not.  Carrots  took  courage,  and  seemed 
inclined  to  make  light  of  the  matter.  "  The  groceries  you 
bought,  of  course,"  said  he,  "  of  Roger  Rounding  the  basket-man 
— Roger  will  swear  anything  for  me  ;  and  as  for  the  night-cap, 
why  say  it  was  your  aunt's,  or  your  niece's,  or  your  sister's — 
Caroline  Somebody's — Caroline  Frazer's,  Charlotte  Friar's,  any- 
body's whose  initials  are  C.  F." 

"  0  I  but  it  wasn't  a  woman's  night-cap,  sir,  it  was  a  man's  ; 
the  sort  of  cap  they  hang  folks  in  ;  and  I  should  like  to  hang  Old 
Mosey  for  beating  my  Anthony  Thom,"  rejoined  ^Mis.  Margerum. 

"  Fm  afraid  we  can't  hang  him  for  that,"  reph'ed  Mr.  Kebbel, 
laughing.     "  Might  have  him  up  for  the  assault,  perhaps." 

"  Well,  have  him  up  for  the  assault,"  rejoined  Mrs.  Margerum  ; 
"have  him  up  for  the  assault.  What  business  had  he  to  beat 
my  Anthony  Thom  ?  " 

"  Get  him  fined  a  shilling,  and  have  to  pay  your  own  costs, 
perhaps,"  observed  Mr.  Kebbel  ;  "  better  leave  that  alone,  and 
etick  to  the  parcel  business — better  stick  to  the  parcel  business. 
There  are  salient  points  in  the  case.  The  hour  of  the  night  is  an 
awkward  part,"  continued  he,  biting  his  nails  ;  "  not  but  that  the 
thing  is  perfectly  capable  of  explanation,  only  the  Beaks  don't  like 


ASK    MAMMA.  408 

that  sort  of  work,  it  won't  do  for  as  to  provoke  an  inquiry  into 
the  matter." 

"  Just  so,"  assented  Mr.  Gallon,  who  thought  INIrs.  Margerum 
had  better  be  quiet. 

"  Well,  but  it's  hard  that  my  Anthony  Thom's  to  be  beat,  and 
get  no  redress  !  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Margerum,  bursting  into  tears. 

"  Hush,  woman  !  hush  !  "  muttered  Mr.  Gallon,  giving  her  a 
ditr  in  the  ribs  with  his  elbow  ;  adding,  "  ye  mun  de  what  it  liar 
tells  ye." 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  I  can  do,"  continued  Mr.  Kebbel,  after  a 
pause.  "  They've  got  my  old  friend  Mark  Bull,  the  ex-Double-im- 
up-shire  Super,  into  this  force,  and  think  him  a  great  card.  I'll 
get  him  to  go  to  Sir  Moses  about  the  matter  ;  and  if  Mark  finds 
we  are  all  right  about  the  cap,  he's  the  very  man  to  put  Mosey  up 
to  a  prosecution,  and  then  we  shall  make  a  rare  harvest  out  of 
him,"  Carrots  rubbing  his  hands  with  glee  at  the  idea  of  an  aotiuu 
for  a  malicious  prosecution. 

'*  Ay,  that'll  be  the  gam,"  said  Mr.  Gallon,  chuckling,—"  that'll 
be  the  gam  ;  far  better  nor  havin'  of  him  oop  ibr  the  'suit." 

"  I  think  so,"  said  Mr.  Kebbel,  "  I  think  so  ;  at  all  events  I'll 
consider  the  matter  ;  and  if  I  send  jMark  to  Sir  Moses,  I'll  tell 
him  to  come  round  by  your  place  and  let  you  know  what  he  does  ; 
but,  in  the  meantime,"  continued  Kebbel,  rising  and  addressing 
Mrs.  ^largcrum  earnestly,  "  don''t  you  answer  any  questions  to  any- 
body, and  tell  Anthony  Thorn  to  hold  his  tongue  too,  and  I've  no 
doubt  ]\rr.  Gallon  and  I'll  make  it  all  right  ;  "  so  saying,  Mr. 
Kebbel  shook  hands  with  them  both,  and  stalked  on  to  his  petty- 
sessional  practice. 

Gallon  then  coaxed  Tippy  Tom  round,  and,  retracing  his  steps 
as  far  as  Kiniberley  gate,  paid  the  toll,  and  sliot  ]\Irs.  j\rargerum 
out,  telling  lier  to  make  the  best  of  her  way  back  to  the  Hose  and 
Crown,  and  stay  there  till  he  returned.  Gallon  then  took  the 
road  to  the  right,  leading  on  to  the  wide-extending  Spankerley 
Downs  ;  where,  unharnessing  Tijipy  Tom  under  lea  of  a  secluded 
plantation,  he  produced  a  saddle  and  bridle  from  the  bark  of  the 
cart,  which,  putting  on,  he  mounted  the  high-stejiping  white,  and 
was  presently  among  the  coursers,  the  grcatt'st  man  at  the  meet- 
ing, some  of  tlic  yokels,  indeed,  taking  him  for  Sii-  Harry  Fuzball 
himself. 

But  when  ^Ir.  Mark  Bull  arrived  at  Sir  ^NFoses's,  things  had 
taken  another  turn,  for  the  liai'ouet,  in  breaking  open  what  he 
thought  was  one  of  Mrs.  Margerum's  boxes,  had  in  reality  got  into 
Mr.  Bankhead's,  where,  linding  his  ticket  of  leave,  he  was  availing 
himself  of  that  worthy's  absence  to  look  over  the  plate  prior  to  dis- 
missing him,  and  Sir  Moses  made  so  light  of   Anthony  Thom'a 

I-  f  L' 


404 


ASK    3IAMMA. 


adventure  that  the  Super  had  his  trouble  for  nothing.  Thus  the 
heads  of  the  house— /Ae  Mr.  and  Mrs.  in  fact,  were  cleared  out  in 
one  and  the  same  day,  by  no  means  an  unusual  occurrence  in  an 
establishment,  after  which  of  course  Sir  Moses  was  so  inundated 
with  stories  against  them,  that  he  almost  resolved  to  imitate  his 
great  predecessor's  example  and  live  at  the  Fox  and  Hounds  Hotel 
at  Hinton  in  future.  To  this  place  his  mind  was  now  more  than 
ordinarily  directed  in  consequence  of  the  arrangements  that  were 
then  making  for  tlie  approaching  Hunt  Ball,  to  which  long  looked- 
for  festival  we  will  uow  request  the  company  of  the  reader. 


CHAPTER    LXI. 

THE   HUNT    BALL. — MISS    DE    GLAXCEY's  REFLECTIONS. 

HE  Hit  -  im 
and  Hold-im 
shire  hunt 
balls  had  long 
been  cele- 
brated fo  r 
their  m  a  t  r  i- 
monial  pro- 
perties, as 
well  for  set- 
tling ripe 
flirtations,  as 
for  bringing 
to  a  close  the 
billing  and 
cooing  of  un- 
prod  uc  ti  ve 
1  0  V  e,  a  n  d 
opening  fresh 
accounts  with 
the  popular 
firm  of  "  Cu- 
pid and  Co." 
Tliey    were 

the  greenest  spot  on  tlie  memory's  waste  of  many,  on  the  minds 
of  some  whose  recollections  carried  them  back  to  the  romping, 
vigorous  Sir  Uuger  de   Coverley  dances  of  j\Ir.  Customer's  time, 


■ll'll)   AND 


ASK    MAMMA.  405 

—of  many  who  remembered  the  more  stately  glide  of  the  elegant 
quadrille  of  Lord  Martingal's  reigu,  down  to  the  introduction  of 
the  once  scandalising  waltz  and  polka  of  our  own.  Many  "Ask 
Mamma's  "  had  been  elicited  by  these  balls,  and  good  luck  was 
said  to  attend  all  their  unions. 

Great  had  been  the  changes  in  the  manners  and  customs  of  the 
country,  but  the  one  dominant  plain  gold  ring  idea  remained  fixed 
and  immutable.  The  Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  hunt  ball  was 
expected  to  furnish  a  great  demand  for  these,  and  Garnet  the 
silversmith  always  exhibited  an  elegant  white  satin-lined  morocco 
case  full  in  his  window,  in  juxtaposition  with  rows  of  the  bright 
dress-buttons  of  the  hunt,  glittering  on  beds  of  delicate  rose-tinted 
tissue  paper. 

All  the  milliners  far  and  wide  used  to  advertise  their  London 
and  Parisian  finery  for  the  occasion,  like  our  friend  ^[rs,  Bob- 
binette, — for  the  i-ailway  had  broken  through  the  once  comfortable 
monopoly  that  Mrs.  Russelton  and  the  Hinton  ones  formerly 
enjoyed,  and  had  thrown  crinoline  providing  upon  the  country  at 
large.  Indeed,  the  railway  had  deranged  the  old  order  of  things  ; 
for  whereas  in  former  times  a  Doubleinuipshii'e  or  a  Neck-and- 
Crop  shire  sportsman  was  rarely  to  be  seen  at  the  balls,  and  thosa 
most  likely  under  pressure  of  most  urgent  "  Ask  Mamma  "  cir- 
cumstances, now  they  came  swarming  down  like  swallows,  consum- 
ing a  most  unreasonable  quantity  of  Champagne  —  always,  of 
course,  returning  and  declaring  it  was  all  "  gusberry."  Kornicily 
the  ball  was  given  out  of  the  llit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  huiiL 
funds  ;  but  this  unwonted  accession  so  increased  the  expense,  that 
Sir  !Moses  couldn't  stand  it,  dom'd  of  he  could  ;  and  he  caused  a 
rule  to  be  passed,  declaring  that  after  a  certain  sum  allowed  by  the 
club,  the  rest  should  be  paid  by  a  tax  on  tiie  tickets,  so  that  the 
guest-inviting  meinhci's  might  pay  for  theii'  friends.  In  addition 
to  this,  a  sliding-scale  of  Champagne  was  adopted,  beginning  with 
good,  and  gradually  relaxing  in  quality,  until  there  is  no  saying 
but  tiiat  some  of  the  late  sitters  might  get  a  little  gooseberry. 
Being,  however,  only  a  guest,  we  ought  not  perhaps  to  be  too 
critical  in  the  matter,  so  we  will  pass  on  to  the  more  general 
features  of  the  entertainment. 

We  take  it  a  woman's  feelings  and  a  man's  feelings  with  regard 
to  a  ball  are  totally  dillerent  and  distinct.  A  woman  looks  niion  a 
ball  as  a  sort  of  second  lieaven,  a  man  regards  it  merely  as  a  place; 
to  pass  an  idle  hour  :  a  woman  thinks  .ill  her  con(iuests  are  made 
in  a  ball-room  ;  men  best  know  how  few  have  been  captured  by 
anything  they  ever  saw  there.  Women  think  because  their  own 
Bex  laud  and  admire  their  gorgeous  overlaid  dresses,  that  they  have 
the  biuue  effect  on  the  men.     iNVver  was  a  ;j,'ie;Uer  nii.stake.     Men 


4Ub  ASK     MAMMA. 

— unmarried  men,  at  least — know  nothing  of  the  intrinsic  vahie  of 
a  dress,  they  look  at  the  general  effect  on  the  figure.  Piquant 
simplicity,  something  that  the  mind  grasps  at  a  glance  and  retains 
— such  as  Miss  Yammerton's  dress  in  the  glove  scene — is  what  they 
like.  Many  ladies  indeed  seem  to  get  costly  dresses  in  order  to 
cover  them  over  with  something  else,  just  as  gentlemen  build 
handsome  lodges  to  their  gates,  and  then  block  them  out  of  sight 
by  walls. 

But  even  if  ball-dresses  were  as  attractive  to  the  gentlemen  as 
the  ladies  seem  to  think  them,  they  must  remember  the  competition 
they  have  to  undergo  in  a  ball-room,  where  great  home  beauties 
may  be  suddenly  eclipsed  by  unexpected  rivals,  and  young  gentle- 
men see  that  there  are  other  angels  in  the  world  besides  their  own 
adored  ones.  Still  balls  are  balls,  and  fashion  is  fashion,  and  ladies 
must  conform  to  it,  or  what  could  induce  them  to  introduce  the 
bits  of  black  of  the  present  day  into  their  coloured  dresses,  as  if 
they  were  just  emerging  from  mourning.  Even  our  fair  friends  at 
Yammerton  Grange  conformed  to  the  fashion,  and  edged  the 
many  pink  satin-ribboned  flounces  of  their  white  tulle  dresses 
>vith  narrow  black  lace — though  they  would  have  looked  much 
prettier  without. 

Of  all  the  balls  given  by  the  members  of  the  Hit-im  and  Hold- 
im  shire  hunt,  none  had  perhaps  excited  greater  interest  than  the 
one  about  to  take  place,  not  only  on  account  of  its  own  intrinsic 
merits  as  a  ball,  but  because  of  the  many  tender  emotions  waiting 
for  solutions  on  that  eventful  evening.  Among  others  it  may  be 
mentioned  that  our  fat  friend  the  Woolpack,  whose  portrait  adorns 
page  241,  had  confided  to  ]\Irs.  Rocket  Larkspur,  who  kept  a  sort 
of  register-office  for  sighers,  his  admiration  of  the  fair  auburn- 
haired  Flora  Yammerton  ;  and  ]\Irs.  Rocket  having  duly  com- 
municated the  interesting  fact  to  the  young  lady,  intimating,  of 
course,  that  he  would  have  the  usual  "  ten  thousand  a  year,"  Flora 
liad  taken  counsel  with  herself  whether  she  had  not  better  secure 
iiim,  tlian  contend  with  her  elder  sister  either  for  Sir  Moses  or 
^Ir.  Pringle,  especially  as  she  did  not  much  fancy  Sir  Moses,  and 
3illy  was  very  wavering  in  his  attentions,  sometimes  looking 
extremely  sweet  at  her,  sometimes  equally  so  at  Clara,  and  at 
other  times  even  smiling  on  that  little  childish  minx  Harriet. 
Indeed  'Mrs.  Rocket  Larkspur,  in  the  multiplicity  of  her  meddling, 
had  got  a  sort  of  half-admission  from  that  young  owl,  Rowley 
Abingdon,  that  he  thought  Harriet  very  pretty,  and  she  felt  in- 
'ilined  to  fan  the  flame  of  that  speculation  too. 

Then  Miss  Fairey,  of  Yarrow  Court,  was  coming,  and  it  was 
reported  that  Miss  de  Glancey  had  appUed  for  a  ticket,  in  order 
to  try  and  cut  her  out  with  the  elegant  Captain  Languisher,  of  the 


THH     cloak-room     for    THI;     l.AUli^S. 


ASK    MAMMA.  407 

Royal  Hollyhock  Hussars.  Altogether  it  was  expected  to  be  a 
capital  ball,  both  for  dancers  and  lookers-on. 

People  whose  being's  end  and  aim  is  gaiety,  as  they  call  con- 
verting night  into  day,  in  rolling  from  party  to  party,  with  all  the 
means  and  appliances  of  London,  can  have  little  idea  of  the  up-hill 
work  it  is  in  the  country,  getting  together  the  ingredients  of  a 
great  ball.  The  writing  for  rooms,  the  fighting  for  rooms — the 
bespeaking  of  horses,  the  not  getting  horses — the  catching  the 
train,  the  losing  the  train — above  all,  the  choosing  and  ordering 
those  tremendous  dresses,  with  the  dread  of  not  getting  those 
tremendous  dresses,  of  their  being  carried  by  in  the  train,  or  not 
fitting  when  they  come.  Nothing  but  the  indomitable  love  of  a 
ball,  as  deeply  implanted  in  a  woman's  heart  as  the  love  of  a  hunt 
is  ill  that  of  a  man,  can  account  for  the  trouble  and  vexation  they 
undergo. 

But  if  'tis  a  toil  to  the  guests,  what  must  it  be  to  the  givers, 
with  no  friendly  Grange  or  Gunter  at  hand  to  supply  everything, 
guests  included,  if  required,  at  so  much  per  head!  Youth,  glorious 
youth,  comes  to  the  aid,  and  enters  upon  the  labour  with  all  the 
alacrity  that  perha})s  distinguished  their  fathers. 

Let  us  now  suppose  the  absorl)ing  evening  come  ;  and  that  all- 
impoi'tant  element  in  countiy  festivities,  tlie  moon  shining  with 
silvery  clearness  as  well  on  the  railway  gliders  as  on  the  more 
patient  plodders  by  the  road.  What  a  converging  there  was  upon 
the  generally  quiet  town  of  Hinton  ;  reminding  the  older  in- 
habitants of  the  best  days  of  Lord  Martingal  and  Mr.  Customer's 
reigns.  Wliat  a  gathering  up  there  was  of  shining  satins  and 
rustling  silks  and  moire  antiques,  white,  pink,  blue,  yellow,  green, 
to  say  nothing  of  clouds  of  tulle  ;  what  a  compression  of  swelling 
eider-down  and  watch-spring  petticoats  ;  and  what  a  bolt-upright 
sitting  of  that  ha]ipy  pi'ide  which  knows  no  pain,  as  party  after 
])arty  took  up  and  proceeded  to  the  scene  of  hopes  and  fears  at  the 
J'^ox  and  Tlounds  Hotel  and  Posting  House. 

The  l)all-iooin  was  Conned  of  the  entire  suite  of  first-floor  front 
apartments,  whieli.  on  ordinary  occasions,  did  duty  as  ])rivate 
rooms — private,  at  least,  as  far  as  thin  deal  partitions  could  make 
them  so — and  the  supper  was  laid  out  in  our  old  acquaintance  the 
club-room,  connected  by  a  sort  of  Isthmus  of  Suez,  with  a  coujile 
of  diminutive  steps  towards  the  end  to  shoot  the  incautious 
becomingly,  headforemost,  into  the  room. 

Carriages  set  down  under  the  arched  doorway,  and  a  little  along 
fhe  passage  the  i31enheim  was  converted  into  a  cloak-room  for  the 
ladies,  where  the  voluminous  dresses  were  shook  out,  and  the  last 
hurried  glances  snatched  amid  anxious  groups  of  jostling  arrivals. 
Gentlemen   then   emerging    from  the  eoinniercial   room   reJMiM'd 


408  ASK    MAM  21  A. 

their  fair  fritnds  in  the  passage,  and  were  entrusted  with  fans  and 
flowers  while,  with  both  hands,  they  steered  their  balloon-hke 
dresses  up  the  red  druggetted  staircase. 

Gentlemen's  balls  have  the  advantage  over  those  given  by 
ladies,  inasmuch  as  the  gentlemen  must  be  there  early  to  receive 
their  fair  guests  ;  and  as  a  ball  can  always  begin  as  soon  as  there 
are  plenty  of  gentlemen,  there  are  not  those  tedious  delays  and 
gatherings  of  nothing  but  crinoline  that  would  only  please  Mr. 
Spurgeon. 

The  large  highly-glazed,  gilt-lettered,  yellow  card  of  invitation, 
intimated  nine  o'clock  as  the  hour ;  by  which  time  most  of  the 
Hinton  people  were  ready,  and  all  the  outlying  ones  were  fast 
drawing  towards  the  town.  Indeed,  there  was  nothing  to  interfere 
with  the  dancing  festivities,  for  dinner  giving  on  a  ball  night  is 
not  popular  with  the  ladies — enough  for  the  evening  being  the 
dance  thereof  Country  ladies  are  not  like  London  ones,  who  can 
take  a  dinner,  an  opera,  two  balls,  and  an  at-home  in  one  and  the 
same  night.  As  to  the  Hinton  gentlemen,  they  were  very 
hospitable  so  long  as  nobody  wanted  anything  from  them  ;  if 
they  did,  they  might  whistle  a  long  time  before  they  got  it.  If, 
for  instance,  that  keeper  of  a  house  of  call  for  Bores,  Paul 
Straddler,  saw  a  mud-sparked  man  with  a  riding-whip  in  his  hand, 
hurrying  about  the  town,  he  would  after  him,  and  press  him  to 
dine  off",  perhaps,  "  crimped  cod  and  oyster  sauce,  and  a  leg  of 
four  year  old  mutton,  with  a  dish  of  mince  pies  or  woodcocks, 
whichever  he  preferred  ;"  but  on  a  ball  night,  when  it  would  be 
a  real  convenience  to  a  man  to  have  a  billet,  Paul  never  thought  of 
asking  any  one,  though  when  he  met  his  friends  in  the  ball,  and 
heard  they  had  been  uncomfortable  at  the  Sun  or  the  Fl-eece,  he 
would  exclaim,  with  well-feigned  reproach,  "  Oh  dash  it,  man,  why 
didn't  you  come  to  me  ?  " 

But  let  us  away  to  the  Fox  and  Hounds,  and  see  what  is  going 
on. 

To  see  the  repugnance  people  have  to  being  early  at  a  ball,  one 
would  wonder  how  dancing  ever  gets  begun.  Yet  somebody  must 
be  there  first,  though  we  question  whether  any  of  our  fair  readers 
ever  performed  the  feat  ;  at  all  events,  if  ever  thoy  did,  we  will 
undertake  to  say  they  have  taken  very  good  care  not  to  repeat  the 
perform  auce. 

The  Blurkinses  were  the  first  to  arrive  on  this  occasion,  having 
only  themselves  to  think  abuut,  and  being  anxious,  as  they  said, 
to  see  as  much  as  they  could  for  their  money.  Then  having  been 
duly  received  by  Sir  Moses  and  the  gallant  circle  of  fox-hunters, 
and  passed  inwardly,  they  took  up  a  position  so  as  to  he  able  to 
waylay    those   who   came   after   with    their  coarse   compliments, 


ASK    MAMMA.  409 

beginning  with  Mrs.  Dotherington,  who,  Blurkins  declared,  had 
worn  the  grey  silk  dress  she  then  had  on,  ever  since  he  knew  her. 

Jimmy  Jarperson,  the  Laughing  IIvEena,  next  came  under  his 
notice,  Blurkins  telling  him  that  his  voice  grated  on  his  ear  like  a 
file  ;  asking  if  any  body  else  had  ever  told  him  so. 

Mrs.  Rocket  Larkspur,  who  was  duly  distended  in  flaming  red 
satin,  was  told  she  was  like  a  full-blown  peony  ;  and  young 
Treadcrof  t  was  asked  if  he  knew  that  people  called  him  the  Wool- 
pack.  Meanwhile  Mrs.  Blurkins  kept  pinching  and  feeling  the 
ladies'  dresses  as  they  passed,  making  a  mental  estimate  of  their 
cost.  She  told  Miss  Yammerton  she  had  spoilt  her  dress  by  the 
black  lace. 

A  continuously  ascending  stream  of  crinoline  at  length  so 
inundated  the  room,  that  by  ten  o'clock  Sir  Moses  thought  it  wns 
time  to  open  the  ball ;  so  deputing  Tommy  Heslop  to  do  the 
further  honours  at  the  door,  he  sought  Lady  Fuzball,  and  claimed 
the  favour  of  her  hand  for  the  first  quadrille. 

This  was  a  signal  for  the  unmated  ones  to  pair  ;  and  forthwith 
there  was  such  a  drawing  on  of  gloves,  such  a  feeling  of  ties,  such 
a  rising  on  tiptoes,  and  straining  of  eyes,  and  running  about, 
asking  for  Miss  This,  and  Miss  That,  and  if  anybody  had  seen 
anything  of  Mrs.  So-and-so. 

At  length  the  sought  ones  were  found,  anxiety  abated,  and  the 
glad  couples  having  secured  suitable  vis-a-vis,  proceeded  to  take 
up  positions. 

At  a  flourish  of  the  leader's  baton,  the  enlivening  "La 
Traviata"  struck  up,  and  away  the  red  coats  and  black  coats 
went  sailing  and  sinking,  and  rising  and  jumping,  and  twirling 
with  the  lightly-floating  dresses  of  the  ladies. 

The  "Pelissier  Galop" quickly  followed,  then  the  "Ask  Mamma 
Polka,"  and  just  as  the  music  ceased,  and  the  now  plightly- 
flushed  couples  were  preparing  for  a  small-talk  promenade,  a 
movement  took  place  near  the  door,  and  the  elegant  swan-like  de 
Glancey  was  seen  sailing  into  the  room  with  her  scarlet-geranium- 
festooned  dress  set  off  with  eight  hundred  yards  of  tulle  !  Taking 
her  chaperone  Mrs.  Roseworth's  arm,  she  came  sailing  majestically 
along,  the  men  all  alive  for  a  smile,  the  ladies  laughing  at  what 
they  called  her  preposterous  dimensions. 

l!ut  do  (Ihiiicty  wiis  not  going  to  defeat  her  object  by  any 
pi-ematnre  condescension  ;  so  she  just  met  the  men's  raptures 
with  the  slightest  recognition  of  her  downcast  eyes,  until  she 
encountered  the  gallant  Captain  Languisher  with  lovely  Miss 
Fairey  on  his  arm,  when  she  gave  him  one  of  her  most 
captivating  smiles,  thinking  to  have  him  away  from  ^liss  Fairey 
in  no  time. 


410  ASK    MAMMA. 

But  Miss  de  Glancey  was  too  late  !  The  Captain  had  just 
"popped  the  question,"  and  was  then  actually  on  his  way  to  "Ask 
Mamma,"  and  so  returned  her  greeting  with  an  air  of  cordial 
indifference,  that  as  good  as  said,  "  Ah,  my  dear,  you'll  not  do  foi 

nie." 

Miss  de  Glancey  was  shocked.  It  was  the  first  time  in  her  life 
that  she  had  ever  missed  her  aim.  Nor  was  her  mortification 
diminished  by  the  cool  way  our  hero,  Mr.  Pringle,  next  met  her 
advances.  She  had  been  so  accustomed  to  admiration,  that  she 
could  ill  brook  the  want  of  it,  and  the  double  blow  was  too  much 
for  her  delicate  seusibiHties.  She  felt  faint,  and  as  soon  as  she 
could  get  a  fly  large  enough  to  hold  herself  and  her  chaperone,  she 
withdrew,  the  mortification  of  this  evening  far  more  than  counter- 
balancing all  the  previous  triumphs  of  her  life. 

One  person  more  or  less  at  a  ball,  however,  is  neither  here  nor 
there,  and  the  music  presently  struck  up  again,  and  the  whirling 
was  resumed,  just  as  if  there  was  no  such  person  as  ]\Iiss  de 
Glancey  in  existence.  And  thus  waltz  succeeded  polka,  and  polka 
succeeded  quadrille,  with  lively  rapidity — every  one  declaring  it 
was  a  most  delightful  ball,  and  wondering  when  supper  would  be. 

At  length  there  was  a  lull,  aud  certain  unmistakeable  symp- 
toms announced  that  the  hour  for  that  superfluous  but  much 
talked  of  meal  had  arrived,  whereupon  there  was  the  usual  sorting 
of  consequence  to  draw  to  the  cross  table  at  the  top  of  the  room, 
with  the  i^airing  off  of  eligible  couples  who  could  be  trusted  alone, 
and  the  shirking  of  Mammas  by  those  who  were  not  equally 
fortunate.  Presently  a  movement  was  made  towards  the  Isthmus 
of  Suez,  on  reaching  which  the  rotund  ladies  had  to  abandon  their 
escorts  to  pilot  their  petticoats  through  the  straits  amid  the  cries 
of  "  take  care  of  the  steps  !  "  "mind  the  steps  at  the  end  !  "  from 
those  who  knew  the  dangers  of  the  passage.  And  thus  the  crinoline 
came  circling  into  the  supper  room — each  lady  again  expanding 
with  the  increased  space,  and  reclaiming  her  beau.  Supper  being 
as  we  said  before  a  superfluous  meal,  it  should  be  light  and  airy, 
something  to  please  the  eye  and  tempt  the  appetite ;  not  composed 
of  great  solid  joints  that  look  like  a  farmer's  ordinary,  or  a  rent- 
iay  dinner  with  "night  mare"  depicted  on  every  dish.  The  Hit-im 
and  Hold-im  shire  hunt  balls  had  always  been  famous  for  the  ele- 
gance of  their  supper.  Lord  Ladythorne  kindly  allowing  his  Italian 
jonfectioner.  Signer  Massaniello,  to  superintend  the  elegancies, 
that  excited  such  admiration  from  the  ladies  as  they  worked  their 
ways  or  wedged  themselves  in  at  the  tables,  but  whose  beauty  did 
not  save  them  from  destruction  as  the  evening  advanced.  At  first 
of  course  the  solids  were  untouched,  the  tongues,  the  haras,  the 
chickpns,  the  turkeys,  the  lobster  salads,  the  nests  of  plover  egga, 


ASK    MAMMA.  411 

the  clatter  patter  being  relieved  by  a  heavy  salvo  of  Champagne 
artillery.  Brisk  was  the  demand  for  it  at  starting,  for  the 
economical  arrangement  was  as  well  known  as  if  it  had  been 
placarded  about  the  room.  When  the  storm  of  corks  had  subsided 
and  clean  plates  been  supplied,  the  sweets,  the  jellies,  the 
confectionery  were  attacked,  and  occasional  sly  sorties  were  made 
against  the  flower  sugar  vases  and  ornaments  of  the  table.  Then 
perspiring  waiters  came  panting  in  with  more  Champagne  fresh  out 
of  the  ice,  and  again  arm-extended  the  glasses  hailed  its  coming, 
though  some  of  the  Neck-and-Crop-shire  gentlemen  smacked  their 
lips  after  drinking  it,  and  pronounced  it  to  be  No.  2.  Nevertheless 
they  took  some  more  when  it  came  round  again.  At  length  the  most 
voracious  cormorant  was  appeased,  and  all  eyes  gradually  turned 
towards  the  sporting  president  in  the  centre  of  the  cross  table. 

We  have  heard  it  said  that  the  House  of  Commons  is  the  most 
M.ppalling  and  critical  assembly  in  the  world  to  address,  but  we 
confess  we  think  a  mixed  party  of  ladies  and  gentlemen  at  a  sit- 
down  supper  a  more  formidable  audience. 

We  don't  know  anything  more  painful  than  to  hear  a  tongue-tied 
country  gentleman  floundering  for  words  and  scrambling  after  an 
idea  that  the  quick-witted  ladies  have  caught  long  before  he  comes 
within  sight  of  his  subject.  Theirs  is  like  the  sudden  dart  of  the 
elastic  greyhound  compared  to  the  solemn  towl  of  the  old  slow- 
moving  "  southern  "  hound  after  its  game. 

Sir  Moses,  however,  as  our  readers  know,  was  not  one  of  the 
tongue-tied  sort — on  the  contrary,  he  had  a  great  flow  of  words 
and  could  palaver  the  ladies  as  well  as  the  gentlemen.  Indeed  be 
was  quite  at  home  in  that  room  where  he  had  coaxed  and  wheedled 
subscriptions,  promised  wonders,  and  given  away  horses  without 
the  donees  incurring  any  "obligation."  Accordingly  at  the  fitting 
time  he  rose  fi'om  his  throne,  and  with  one  stroke  of  his  hammer 
quelled  the  remaining  conversation  which  had  been  gradually  dying 
out  in  anticipation  of  what  was  coming.  He  then  called  for  a 
bumper  toast,  and  after  alluding  in  felicitous  terms  to  the  happy 
event  that  so  aroused  the  "  symphonies  "  of  old  Wotherspoon,  he 
concluded  by  proposing  the  health  of  her  Majesty  the  Queen,  which 
of  course  was  drunk  with  three  times  three  and  one  cheer  more. 
The  next  toast,  of  course,  was  the  ladies  who  had  honoured  the 
Ball  with  their  presence,  and  certainly  if  ever  ladies  ought  to  be 
satisfied  with  the  compliments  paid  them,  it  was  on  the  present 
occasion,  for  Sir  Moses  vowed  and  protested  that  of  all  beauties  the 
Hit-im  and  Hold-im  shire  beauties  were  the  fairest,  the  brightest, 
and  the  best ;  and  he  said  it  would  be  a  downright  reflection 
upon  the  rising  generation  if  they  did  not  follow  the  Crown 
Prince  of  Prussia's  excellent  example,  and  make  that  ball  to  be  the 


412  ASK    MAMMA. 

most  blissful  and  joyous  of  their  recollections.  This  toast  being 
heartily  responded  to,  Sir  Moses  leading  the  cheers,  Sir  Harry 
Fuzball  rose  to  return  thanks  on  behalf  of  the  ladies,  any  one  of 
whom  could  have  done  it  a  great  deal  better  ;  after  which  old  Sir 
George  Persiflage,  having  arranged  his  lace-tipped  tie,  proposed  the 
health  of  Sir  Moses,  and  spoke  of  him  in  very  difterent  terms  tc 
what  Sir  Moses  did  of  Sir  George  at  the  hunt  dinner,  and  this, 
answer  affording  Sir  Moses  another  opportunity — the  good 
Champagne  being  exhausted — he  renewed  his  former  advice,  ana 
concluded  by  moving  an  adjournment  to  the  ball-room.  Then  the 
weight  of  oratory  being  off,  the  school  broke  loose  as  it  were,  and 
all  parties  paired  off  as  they  liked.  Many  were  the  trips  at  the 
steps  as  they  returned  by  the  narrow  passage  to  the  ball-room. 
The  "Ask  Mamma"  Polka  then  appropriately  struck  up,  but 
polking  being  rather  beyond  our  Baronet's  powers  he  stood  outside 
the  ring  rubbing  his  nose  and  eyeing  the  gay  twirlers,  taking  counsel 
within  himself  what  he  should  do.  The  state  of  his  household  had 
sorely  perplexed  him,  aud  he  had  about  come  to  the  resolution 
that  he  must  either  marry  again  or  give  up  housekeeping  and  live 
at  Hinton.  Then  came  the  question  whom  he  should  take  ?  Now 
Mrs.  Yammerton  was  a  noted  good  manager,  and  in  the  inferential 
sort  of  way  that  we  all  sometimes  deceive  ourselves,  he  came  to  the 
conclusion  that  her  daughters  would  be  the  same.  Clara  was  very 
pretty — dom'd  if  she  wasn't — She  would  look  very  well  at  the  head 
of  his  table,  and  just  at  the  moment  slie  came  twirling  past  with 
Billy  Pringle,  the  pearl  loops  of  her  pretty  pink  wreath  dancing  on 
her  fair  forehead.  The  Baronet  was  booked  ;  **  he  would  have  her, 
dom'd  if  he  wouldn't,"  and  taking  courage  within  himself  as  the 
music  ceased,  he  claimed  her  hand  for  the  next  quadrille,  and 
leading  her  to  the  top  of  the  dance,  commenced  joking  her  about 
Billy,  who  he  said  would  make  a  very  pretty  girl,  and  then 
commenced  praising  herself.  He  admired  her  and  everything  she 
had  on,  from  the  wreath  to  her  ribbon,  and  was  so  affectionate  that 
she  felt  if  he  wasn't  a  little  elevated  she  would  very  soon  have  an 
offer.  Then  Mammas,  and  Mrs.  Rocket  Larkspurs,  and  Mrs. 
Dotherington,  and  Mrs.  Impelow,  and  many  other  quick-eyed 
ladies  followed  their  movements,  each  thinking  that  they  saw  by 
*"he  sparkle  of  Clara's  eyes,  and  the  slight  flush  of  her  pretty  face, 
what  was  going  on.  But  they  were  premature.  Sir  Moses  did  not 
offer  until  he  had  mopped  his  brow  in  the  promenade,  when,  on 
making  the  second  slow  round  of  the  room,  a  significant  glance 
with  a  slight  inclination  of  her  handsome  head  as  she  passed  her 
Mamma  announced  that  she  was  going  to  be  Lady  Mainchanoe  I 

Hoo-ray  for  the  Hunt  Ball ! 

Sold  again  and  the  money  paid !  as  the  trinket-sellers  say  at  a  fair. 


>t;#xr%f--*>^i 


ft  I      "'vJl   If 

\  •  / 


"Tui:    rjARONin    was   isooKiiD. 


ASK    MAMMA. 


413 


Another  uflfcr  and  accepted  say  we.  Captain  and  Mrs.  Langnisher, 
Sir  Moses  and  Lady  Maiiichance.  Who  wouldn't  go  to  a  Hit-im- 
and-Hold-im-shire  hunt  ball  ? 

Then  when  the  music  struck  up  again,  instead  of  fulfilling  her 
engagements  with  her  next  partner,  Clara  begged  to  be  excused — ■ 
IkkI  gut  a  liitle  headache,  and  went  and  sat  down  between  her 
Mamma  and  her  admiring  intended  ;  upon  which  the  smouldering 
fire  of  surmise   broke  out  into  downright  assertion,  and  it  ran 


ri'in.    ilii:  ap.iiii:r. 


through  ihc  room  that  Sir  ^Toscs  had  i.tTcnd  to  Mi>s  ^'annnorton. 

'J'hfn  the  ituliLTiiant    Matnmas   I'ose   hastily  from   ihiir  seats  and 

paraded  slowly  jiast  to  see  how  the  (Miiple  looked.  ]iitying  the  poor 

creature,  and  young  gentlemen  joked  with  each  other,  saying — "Go 

tlioii  and  do  likewise."  niid  paired  olT  to  the  supper  room  to  ac(]uire 

coni'age  friHii  the  well  iee(l  ImL  iiil'eiioi'  ( 'liam))agiie. 

And  BO  the  ardent  ball    progressed,  some   laying  the  foinulations 

fur  future  otfers.  ^oine  ad\  aiieini,'-  their  suits  a  ste]i.  others  bringing 

them  to,  we  hope,  a  liajipy  ternn'iiation.     Never  was  a  more  ]iro- 

dtictive  hunt   ball    known,  and  it   was  calculated   thai   the   little 

gentleman  who  rides  so  complacently  on  onr  first  page  exhiiusted 

all  his  arrows  on  the  occasion. 

G  n 


414  ASK    MAMMA. 

Wlien  the  mortified  Miss  do  Glaucey  returned  to  iier  lodgings 
at  Mrs.  Sarsiiet  the  milliner's,  in  Verbena  Crescent,  she  bid  Mrs. 
Roseworth  good-night,  and  dismissing  her  little  French  maid  to 
bed,  proceeded  to  her  own  apartment,  where,  with  the  united  aid 
of  a  chamber  and  two  toilette-table  candles,  she  instituted  a  most 
rigid  examination,  as  well  of  her  features  as  her  figure,  in  her  own 
hand-mirror  and  the  various  glasses  of  the  room,  and  satisfied 
herself  that  neither  her  looks  nor  her  dress  were  any  way  in  fiiult 
for  the  indifference  with  which  she  had  been  received.  Indeed, 
though  she  might  perhaps  be  a  little  partial,  she  thought  she  never 
saw  herself  looking  better,  and  certainly  her  dress  was  as  stylish 
and  looming  as  any  in  the  ball-room. 

Those  points  being  satisfactorily  settled,  she  next  unclasped  the 
single  row  of  large  pearls  that  fastened  the  bunch  of  scarlet  gera- 
niums into  her  silken  brown  hair ;  and  taking  them  off  her 
exquisitely  modelled  head,  laid  them  beside  her  massive  scarlet 
geranium  bouquet  and  delicate  kid  gloves  upon  the  toilette-table. 
She  then  stirred  the  fire  ;  and  wheeling  the  easy-chair  round  to 
the  front  of  it,  took  the  eight  hundred  yards  of  tulle  deliberately 
in  either  hand  and  sunk  despondingly  into  the  depths  of  the  chair, 
with  its  ample  folds  before  her.  Drawing  her  dress  up  a  little  in 
front,  she  placed  her  taper  white-satined  feet  on  the  low  green 
fender,  and  burying  her  beautiful  face  in  her  lace-fringed  kerchief, 
proceeded  to  take  an  undisturbed  examination  of  what  had 
occui-red.  How  was  it  that  she,  in  the  full  bloom  of  her  beauty 
and  the  zenith  of  her  experience,  had  failed  in  accomplisliing 
what  she  used  so  easily  to  perform  ?  How  was  it  that  Captain 
Languisher  seemed  so  cool,  and  that  supercilious  Miss  eyed  her 
with  a  side -long  stare,  that  left  its  troubled  mark  behind, 
like  the  ripple  of  the  water  after  a  boat.  And  that  boy  Pringle. 
too,  who  ought  to  have  been  proud  and  flattered  by  her 
notice,  instead  of  grinning  about  with  those  common  country 
Misses  ? 

All  this  hurt  and  distressed  our  accomplished  coquette,  who  was 
unused  to  ijidilference  and  mortification.  Then  from  the  present 
her  mind  reverted  to  the  past  ;  and  stirring  the  fire,  she  recalled 
the  glorious  recollections  of  her  many  triumphs,  beginning  with 
her  school-gii'l  days,  when  the  yeomanry  officers  used  to  smile  at 
her  as  they  met  the  girls  out  walking,  until  Miss  AYhippey  restricted 
them  to  the  garden  during  the  eight  days  that  the  dangerous 
danglers  were  on  duty.  Next,  how  the  triumph  of  her  first  offer 
was  enhanced  by  the  fact  that  she  got  her  old  opjionent  Sarah 
Snowball's  lover  from  her — who,  however,  she  quickly  discarded 
for  Captain  Capers — who  in  turn  yielded  to  IMajor  Spankley. 
Then  she  thouglit  how  she  kept  the  rich  Mr.  Acres,  the  gay  Mr. 


ASK    MAMMA.  415 

Dicer,  and  the  ^rave  Mr.  Woodhousc  all  in  tow  together,  each 
chiokiug  hiniselt"  tlie  happy  man  and  the  others  the  cat's-paw, 
until  the  rash  Hotspur  Smith  exploded  amongst  them,  and  then 
suddenly  dwindled  from  a  millionaire  into  a  mouse.  Other  names 
quickly  followed,  recalling  the  recollections  of  a  successful  career. 
At  last  she  came  to  that  dread,  that  fatal  day,  when,  having  exter- 
minated Imperial  John,  and  with  the  Peer  well  in  hand,  she  was 
induced,  much  against  her  better  judgment,  to  continue  the  chasCj 
and  lose  all  chance  of  becoming  a  Countess.  Oh,  what  a  day  was 
that !  She  had  long  watched  the  noble  Earl's  increasing  fervour, 
and  marked  his  admiring  eye,  as  she  sat  in  the  glow  of  beauty  and 
the  pride  of  equestrianism  ;  and  she  felt  quite  sure,  if  the  chase 
had  ended  at  the  check  caused  by  the  cattle-drover's  dog,  he  would 
have  married  her.  Oh,  that  the  run  should  ever  have  continued  ! 
Ob,  that  she  should  ever  have  been  lured  on  to  her  certain  destruc- 
tion 1  Why  didn't  she  leave  well  alone  ?  And  at  the  recollection 
of  that  sad,  that  watery  day,  she  burst  into  tears  and  sobbed 
convulsively.  Her  feelings  being  thus  relieved,  and  the  fire  about 
exhausted,  she  then  got  out  of  her  crinoline  and  under  the 
counterpane. 


CHAPTER    LXII. 

LOVE  AT    SECOND    SIGHT. —  CUPID'S   SETTLING   DAY. 

A  SUDDEN  change  now  came  over  the  country. — The  weather, 
which  had  been  mild  and  summer-like  throughout,  changed  to 
frost,  binding  all  nature  up  in  a  few  hours.  The  holes  in  the 
streets  which  were  shining  with  water  in  the  gas-lights  when  Miss 
de  Glanccy  retired  to  bed,  had  a  dull  black-leaded  sort  of  look  in 
the  morning,  while  the  windows  of  her  room  glistened  with  the 
silvery  spray  of  ferns  and  heaths  and  fancy  flowers. — Tlie  air  was 
shar-p  and  bright,  with  a  clear  blue  sky  overhead,  all  symptomatic 
of  frost,  with  every  appearance  of  continuing. — That,  however,  is 
more  a  gentleman's  question  than  a  lady's,  so  we  will  return 
within  doors. 

Flys  l)eing  scarce  at  Hinton,  and  Miss  de  Glancey  wishing 
to  avoid  the  gape  and  stare  of  the  country  town,  determined  to 
I'cturn  by  the;  11. 30  train  ;  so  arose  uCtcr  a  restless  night,  and 
taking  a  hurried  breakfast,  proceeded,  with  the  aid  of  her  maid,  to 
make  oue  of  those  exquisite  toilettes  for  wliich  she  had  so  long  been 
justly  famous,     llcr  sylph-like  figure  was  set  uU'  m  a  bnglit-grecu 


4ib  A^K     MAiMMA. 

terry-velvet  dress,  with  a  green-feathered  bonnet  of  the  same 
colour  and  material,  trimmed  with  bright  scarlet  ribbons,  and  a 
wreath  of  scarlet  flowers  inside. — A  snow-white  ermine  tippet,  with 
ermine  cuffs  and  mutf,  completed  her  costume.  Having  surveyed 
herself  in  every  mirror,  she  felt  extremely  satisfied,  and  only 
wished  Captain  Languisher  could  see  her.  With  that  exact  punc- 
tuality which  constant  practice  engenders,  but  which  sometimes 
keeps  strangers  sadly  on  the  fret,  the  useful  fly  was  at  length  at 
the  door,  and  the  huge  box  containing  the  eight  Imndred  yards  of 
tulle  being  hoisted  on  to  the  iron-railed  roof,  the  other  articles 
were  huddled  away,  and  Miss  de  Glancey  ascending  the  steps, 
usurped  the  seat  of  honoui',  leaving  Mrs.  Roseworth  and  her  maid 
to  sit  opposite  to  her.  A  smile  'vith  a  half-bow  to  Mrs.  Sarsnet, 
as  she  now  stood  at  the  door,  with  a  cut  of  the  whip  irom  the 
coachman,  sent  our  party  lilting  and  tilting  over  the  hard  surface 
of  the  road  to  the  rail. 

The  line  ran  true  and  smooth  this  day,  and  the  snorting  train 
stopped  at  the  pretty  Swiss  cottage  station  at  Fairfield  just  as 
Mrs.  Roseworth  saw  the  last  of  the  parcels  out  of  the  fly,  while 
Miss  de  Glancey  took  a  furtive  peep  at  the  passengers  from  an 
angle  of  the  bay  window,  at  which  she  thought  slie  herself  could 
not  be  seen. 

Now,  it  so  happened  that  the  train  was  in  charge  of  the 
well-known  Billy  Bates,  a  smart  young  I'ellow,  whose  good  looks 
had  sadly  stood  in  the  way  of  his  preferment,  for  he  never  could 
settle  to  anything  ;  and  after  having  been  a  footman,  a  whipper-in, 
a  watcher,  a  groom,  and  a  gi'ocer,  he  had  now  taken  up  with  the 
rail,  where  he  was  a  great  favourite  Avith  the  fair,  whom  he  rather 
prided  himself  upon  pairing  with  what  he  considered  appropriate 
partners.  Seeing  our  lovely  coquette  peeping  out,  it  immediately 
occurred  to  him,  that  he  had  a  suitable  vis-a-vis  for  her — a 
dashing  looking  gent.,  in  a  red  flannel  Emperor  shirt,  a  blue  satin 
cravat,  a  buff  vest,  and  a  new  bright-green  cut-away  with  fancy 
buttons  ;  altogether  a  sort  of  swell  that  isn't  to  be  seen  every  day. 

"  This  way,  ladies  !  "  now  cried  Billy,  hurrying  into  the  first- 
class  waiting-room,  adjusting  the  patent  leather  ]:)Oueh-belt  of  his 
smart  green-and-red  uniform  as  he  spoke.  ''  I'his  way,  ladies, 
please !  "  waving  them  on  with  his  clean  white  doeskin-gloved 
hand  towards  the  door  ;  whereupon  Miss  de  Glancey,  drawing 
herself  up,  and  primming  her  features,  advanced  on  to  the 
platform,  like  the  star  of  the  evening  coming  on  to  the  stage  of  a 
theatre. 

Billy  then  opened  the  frosty-windowed  door  of  a  carriage  a  few 
paces  up  the  line  ;  whereu^jun  a  red  railway  \vra]i]K'r-rng  with 
brown  foxes'  heads  being  withdrawn,  a  pair  of  Bedford-corded  legs 


ASK    MAMMA.  411 

dropped  from  the  opposite  seat,  and  a  dogskin  gloved  hand  was 
protruded  to  assist  the  ascent  of  the  enterer.  A  pretty  taper- 
fingered  primrose-kidded  one  was  presently  inside  it ;  but  ere  the 
second  step  was  accomplished,  a  convnlsive  tin-ill  was  felt,  and, 
looking  up,  ]Miss  dc  Glancey  found  herself  in  the  grasp  of  her  old 
friend  Imperial  John! 

"0  JMr.  Hybrid!"  exclaimed  she,  shaking  his  still  retained 
hand  with  the  greatest  cordiality  ;  "  0  j\[r.  Hybrid  !  I'm  so  f/lad 
to  see  you  !  I'm  so  glad  to  meet  somebody  I  know !  "  and  gatlier- 
ing  herself  together,  she  entered  the  carriage,  and  sat  down 
opposite  him. 

]\rrs.  Koseworth  then  following,  afforded  astonished  John  k 
moment  to  collect  his  scattered  faculties,  yet  not  sullicient  time  to 
compare  the  dread,  "  Si-r-r-r !  do  yon  moan  to  insult  me,  I  "  of 
their  former  meeting,  with  the  cordial  greeting  of  this.  Indeed, 
our  fair  friend  felt  that  she  had  a  great  arrear  of  politeness  to  make 
up,  and  as  railway  time  is  short,  she  immediately  began  to  ply  her 
arts  by  inquiring  most  kindly  after  His  Highness's  sister  AFi's. 
Poppcylield  and  her  baby,  who  she  heard  was  such  a  sweet  boy  ; 
and  went  on  so  allably,  that  before  Billy  Hates  arrived  with  the 
tickets,  which  Mrs.  Rfise worth  had  forgotten  to  take.  Imperial 
John  began  to  think  that  there  must  have  been  some  mistake 
before,  and  Miss  de  tilanccy  couldn't  have  understood  him. 
Then,  when  the  train  was  again  in  motion,  she  applied  the 
artillery  of  her  eyes  so  well — for  she  was  as  great  an  ade|)t  in  her 
art  as  the  XorthumlxTland  horst'-tamer  is  in  his — that  ere  they 
stopped  at  the  Lanecroll  station,  she  had  again  subjugated 
Imperial  John  ; — taken  his  Imperial  i-cason  prisoner  !  Nay  more, 
though  he  was  going  to  Bowerbank  to  look  at  a  bull,  she  actually 
persuaded  him  to  alight  and  accninpany  her  to  ]\rrs.  Roseworth's 
where  we  need  scarcely  say  he  was  presently  secured,  and  in  less 
than  a  week  she  had  him  so  tame  that  she  could  lead  him  about 
anywhere. 

The  day  after  the  ball  was  always  a  busy  one  in  Hit-im-and- 
Hold-im-shire.  It  was  a  sort  of  settling  day,  only  the  parries 
scattered  about  the  country  instead  of  congregating  at  the 
"  corner."  Those  who  had  nuide  up  their  minds  overnight,  came 
to  "Ask  ]\Iamma "  in  the  morning,  and  those  who  had  not 
mustered  suilicient  courage,  tried  whiit  a  visit  to  inquire  how  the 
young  lady  was  after  the  fatigue  of  the  ball  would  do  to  assist 
them.  Those  who  had  got  so  far  on  the  road  as  to  have  asked 
both  the  young  lady  and  "  Mamma,"  tliLii  got  handed  over  to  the 
more  I'usiness-like  inquiries  of  Paj)a — when  ("uiiid  oft  "spreads 
bis  liuht  wings  and  in  a  moment  flics."'  Then  it  is  that  the 
terrible   money  exaggerations   come  out — the  great   expectation* 


418  ASK    MAMMA. 

dwindling  away,  and  the  thousands  a-year  becoming  hundreds. 
We  never  knew  a  repnted  Richest  Commoner's  forhine  tliat 
didn't  collapse  most  grievously  under  the  "  what  have  you  got,  and 
what  will  you  do  ?"  operation.  But  if  it  passes  Papa,  the  still 
more  dread  ordeal  of  the  lawyer  has  to  be  encountered  when  one 
being  summoned  on  either  side,  a  hard  money-driving  bargain 
ensues,  one  trying  how  much  he  can  get,  the  other  how  little  he 
can  give — until  the  whole  nature  and  character  of  the  thing 
is  changed.  Money  !  money  !  money  !  is  the  cry,  as  if  thci-e 
was  nothing  in  the  world  worth  living  for  but  those  eternal 
bits  ot  yellow  coin.  But  we  are  getting  in  advance  of  our 
subject,  our  suitor  not  having  passed  tlie  lower,  or  Ask-lMamma 
house. 

Among  the  many  visited  on  this  auspicious  day  were  our  fair 
friends  at  Yammerton  Grange,  our  Ilichcst  Commoner  having 
infused  a  considerable  degree  of  activity  into  the  matrimonial 
market.  There  is  nothing  like  a  little  competition  for  putting 
young  gentlemen  on  the  alert.  First  to  arrive  was  our  friend  Sir 
Moses  Mainchance,  who  dashed  up  to  the  door  in  his  gig  with  the 
air  of  a  man  on  safe  ground,  saluting  Mamma  whom  he  found 
alone  in  the  drawing-room,  and  then  the  young  ladies  as  they 
severally  entered  in  succession.  Having  thus  scaled  and  delivered 
himself  into  the  family,  as  it  were,  he  enlarged  on  the  delights 
of  the  ball — the  charming  scene,  the  delightful  music,  the  ex- 
cellent dancing,  the  sudden  disappearance  of  de  Glancey  and 
other  the  incidents  of  the  evening.  These  topics  being  duly 
discussed,  and  cake  and  wine  produced,  "^famma"  presently 
withdrew,  her  example  being  followed  at  intervals  by  Flora  and 
Harriet. 

Scarcely  had  she  got  clear  of  the  door  ere  the  vehement  bark  of 
the  terrier  called  her  attention  to  the  front  of  the  house,  where 
she  saw  our  fat  friend  the  AVoolpack  tit-tnp-ing  up  on  the 
identical  horse  Jack  llogers  so  unceremoniously  appropriated  on 
the  Crooked  Billet  day.  There  was  young  Treadcroft  with  his 
green-liveried  cockaded  groom  behind  him,  trying  to  look  as 
unconcerned  as  possible,  though  in  reality  he  was  in  as  great  a 
fright  as  it  was  well  possible  fur  a  boy  to  be.  Having  dismounted 
and  nearly  pulled  the  bell  out  of  its  socket  with  nervousness,  he 
gave  his  horse  to  the  groom,  with  orders  to  wait,  and  then 
followed  the  footman  into  the  dining-room,  whither  Mrs. 
Yammerton  had  desired  him  to  be  shown. 

Now,  the  AVoolpack  and  the  young  Owl  (Rowley  Abingdon), 
had  been  ^ery  attentive  both  to  Flora  and  Harriet  at  the  ball,  the 
AVoolpack  having  twice  had  an  offer  on  the  tip  of  his  tongue  for 
Flora,   without   being   able  to  get  it  otf.     Somehow  his  tongue 


ASK    MAMMA.  419 

clave  to  his  lips — he  felt  as  if  his  mouth  was  full  of  flnggiuu. 
TTe  now  came  to  see  if  he  could  have  auy  hotter  luck  at  the 
Granjxe. 

Mrs.  Yammerton  had  read  his  feelinj^-s  at  the  ball,  and  not 
receiving  the  expected  annouuccnunfc  irom  Flora,  saw  that  he 
wanted  a  little  of  her  assistajice.  so  now  proceeded  to  give  it. 
After  a  most  cordial  greeting  and  interchanges  of  the  usual 
nothings  of  society,  she  took  a  glance  at  the  hall,  and  then 
claimed  his  congratulations  on  Clara's  engagement,  which  of 
course  led  up  to  the  subject,  opening  the  locked  jaw  at  once  ; 
and  ]\Ianmia  having  assured  the  fat  youth  of  her  perfect  approval 
and  high  opinion  of  his  character,  very  soon  arranged  matters 
between  them,  and  pi'oduced  Flora  to  confirm  her.  So  she 
gained  two  sons-in-law  in  one  night.  Miss  Harriet  thus  left 
alone,  look  her  situation  rather  to  heart,  and  fine  Bill  >,  forgetful 
of  his  ]\Iamma's  repeated  injunctions  and  urgent  eutreaiies  to  him 
to  return  now  that  the  ball  was  over,  and  the  hunting  was  stopped 
by  the  frost,  telling  him  she  wanted  him  on  most  urgent  and 
particular  business,  was  tender-hearted  enough  on  finding  Harriet 
in  tears  the  next  day  to  oiler  to  console  her  with  his  hand,  which 
we  need  not  say  she  joyfully  accepted,  no  lady  liking  to  emulate 
"the  last  rose  of  summer  and  be  left  blooming  alone."  So  all 
the  pretty  sisters  were  suited,  Harriet  perhaps  tlie  best  oil",  as  I'ar 
as  looks  at  least  went. 

But,  when  in  due  course  the  old  "  what  have  you  got  and  what 
will  you  do  ?  "  inquiries  came  to  be  instituted,  we  are  sorry  to  say 
our  fine  friend  could  not  answer  them  nearly  so  satisfactorily  as 
the  Woolpack,  who  had  his  balance-sheets  nearly  otf  by  heart. 
Billy  replying  in  the  vacant  neyliye  sort  of  way  young  gentlemen 
do,  that  he  supposed  he  would  have  four  or  five  thousand  a-year, 
though  when  asked  why  he  thought  he'd  have  four  or  \\\q 
thousand  a-year,  he  really  could  nut  tell  the  reason  wliv.  Tlien 
when  further  probed  by  our  persevering  j\Iajor,  headniiLied  that  it 
was  all  at  the  mercy  of  uncle  Jerry,  and  that  his  Mamma  had  said 
their  lawyer  had  told  h^'r  he  did  not  think  pious  Jerry  would 
account  except  under  pressure  of  the  Court  of  Chancei'y,  whei'e- 
upon  the  j\lajor's  chin  dropped,  as  numy  a  man's  chin  has 
dropped,  at  the  dread  announcement.  It  sounds  like  an  anti- 
dote to  matrimony.  Even  Mrs.  Yammerton  thought  under  the 
circumstances  that  the  young  Owl  might  be  a  safer  speculation 
than  fine  Billy,  though  she  rather  leanr.  to  fine  Billy,  as  people 
do  lean  to  strangers  in  })ii.'i'erence  to  tluise  they  know  all  aitout. 
Still  Chancery  was  a  chokii-.  Ef|uity  is  to  the  legal  world  what 
Xewmarket  is  to  the  racing  world,  the  unadulterated  essence  of 
Uie    tiling.     As   at   Newuiaiket   there    is   none  of   the    I'un    and 


120  ASK    MAMMA. 

gaiety  of  the  great  race-meetings,  so  in  Chancery  there  is  none  of 
ilie  pomp  and  glitter  and  varied  incident  that  rivets  so  many 
audiences  to  the  law  courts. 

All  is  dull,  solemu,  and  dry — paper,  paper,  paper — a  redundancy 
of  paper,  as  if  it  were  possible  to  transfer  the  blush  of  perjury  to 
paper.  Fifty  people  will  make  affidavits  for  one  that  will  go  into 
a  witness-box  and  have  the  truth  twisted  out  of  them  by  cross- 
examination.  The  few  strangers  who  pop  into  court  pop  out 
again  as  quickly  as  they  can,  a  striking  contrast  to  those  who  go 
in  in  search  of  their  rights — though  wreslling  for  one's  rights 
under  a  pressure  of  paper,  is  very  like  swimming  for  one's  life 
enveloped  in  a  salmon-net.  It  is  juries  that  give  vitality  to  the 
administration  of  justice.  A  drowsy  hum  pervades  the  bar,  well 
calculated  for  setting  ]'cstless  children  to  sleep,  save  when  some 
such  brawling  buffoon  as  the  Indian  juggler  gets  up  to  pervert 
facts,  and  address  arguments  to  an  educated  judge  that  would  be 
an  insult  to  the  mind  of  a  petty  juryman.  One  wonders  at  men 
calling  themselves  gentlemen  demeaning  themselves  by  such 
practices.  "Well  did  the  noble-hearted  Sir  William  Erie  declare 
that  the  licence  of  the  bar  was  such  that  he  often  wished  the 
offenders  could  be  prosecuted  for  a  misdemeanour.  "We  know  an 
author  who  made  an  affidavit  in  a  chancery  suit  equal  in  length 
to  a  three-volume  novel,  and  what  with  weighing  every  word  in 
expectation  of  undergoing  some  of  the  polished  razors  keen  of  that 
drowsy  bar,  he  could  not  write  fiction  again  for  a  twelvemonth. 
As  it  was,  he  underwent  that  elegant  extract  Mv.  Verde,  whose 
sponsors  have  done  him  such  justice  in  the  vulgar  tongue,  and 
because  he  made  an  immaterial  mistake  he  was  held  up  to  the  Court 
as  utterly  unworthy  of  behef  !  We  wonder  whether  Mr.  "Verde's 
character  or  the  deponent's  suffered  most  by  the  performance. 
But  enough  of  such  worthies.  Let  all  the  bullies  of  the  bar  bear 
in  mind  if  they  have  tongues  other  people  have  pens,  and  that 
consideration  fur  the  feelings  of  others  is  one  of  the  distinguishing 
characteristics  of  gentlemen. 


ASK    MAMMA. 


421 


CIIAPTKR    LXIIT. 

A    bTAKTLlNfi    AN.\(»r.\(F,:\I  KN'I'. 

lll'j  ]ir()\i'rljial  scrfiiity  of 
J)Ood]es  was  distnrlx'd  one 
dull  wiutei'  ai'tonioon  by  onr 
old  friend  Cioiici-al  Biiikshanfr- 
ins;  down  the  newly-arrived 
evening  ])a])er  with  a  vehe- 
mence rai'ely  witnessed  in  that 
quiet  quarter.  ^Ir,  Dorfold, 
who  was  dosiiio;  as  usual  witli 
outstretched  le^'s  before  the 
tii-e,  stalled  uj),  tln'ukinir  the 
(ieueral  was  dyinsi'.  ^Majdr 
JMustard's  hat  drojijied  off.  !Mr. 
J'loser  let  fall  the  "Times 
Siipplem-ent,"'  ]\li\  ("I'owsfoot 
ceased  coiininti-  ilie  "  J\ist." 
Alemouth,  the  looinum,  stocd 
auliast,  and  altoui  ilici'  theie 
was  a  u'cuei'al  iTs.-.-ition  (f 
e\-cry  ihiiiu —  IUk dies  was  pai'- 
alyzed. 

Tlir  (IciKral  (|Uickly  fol- 
lowed UJ)  ilic  iildw  with  a  (re- 
mendoiis  oath,  and  seizing-  Colonel  Calleiidcr's  old  beaver  hat 
instead  of  his  own  new  silk  one.  tiunu'  fiauticaliy  (iit  of  the  rociiu, 
lhrou<i-h  the  jjassacfe,  and  iiitu  St.  .)aui(s"s  Sti'cet.  as  ii"  bent  on 
immediate  destriu'tiou. 

All  was  amazement  I  AA'bat's  1  ;i].].etied  the  (ieueral  r  S(.me- 
(liini:-  must  have  pjue  wrouL;- with  the  (ieueral  I  'I'he  (ieueral — 
the  calmest,  the  (|in'etcst.  the  most  jilacid  ir.an  in  the  world — sud- 
denly convidsed  with  such  a  xidl'iu  ]'ai(i\y?ui.  lie  who  had  neither 
chick  nor  child,  nor  anythiuu-  to  care  aiiout.  with  tlic  cei'taiiity  of 
an  Earldom,  what  ('ouhl  ha\c  eome  o\er  him  ? 

"  I'll  ti'll  vol!,"'  v'xclaimed  Mr.  iJullion.  who  Imd  just  dro]i]ie(l  in 
ou  Ills  way  from  the  City  :  *•  Dl  tell  you."  repeated  lie.  takiiiu'  up 
the  p;ip"i-  uliieh  the  (ieueral  had  thrown  down.  "7//.^  hdiiLtr's 
fdihil  !  Ib.'iid  some  qKU'fisli  liiufs  as  I  came  down  ('oi'uhil!  : "" 
and  iMflliwiih  liunioii  iiinied  to  the  City  ai'lielc,  ;ind  :;iii  his 
UCCllstoliied  eve  (Jdwu   its  CdUteuts. 


A    '^TARTI.INr.    ..NNOI'NCKMKNT. 


422  A  SK    MA  M  MA  . 

"Funds  opened  heavily.  Foreio-n  stocks  quiet.  About 
£20,000  in  bar  gold.  The  Jolin  Brown  arrived  from  China. 
Departnre  of  the  Peninsular  IMail  postponed,"  and  so  on  ;  but 
neither  failures,  nor  rumours  of  failures,  either  of  bankers  or  others, 
were  there. 

Very  odd — ^what  could  it  be,  then  ?  must  be  something  in  the 
paper.  And  again  the  members  resolved  themselves  into  a  com- 
mittee of  the  whole  house  to  ascertain  what  it  was. 

The  first  place  that  a  lady  would  look  to  for  the  solution  of  a 
mystery  of  this  sort,  is,  we  believe,  about  the  last  place  that  a  man 
would  look  to,  namely,  the  births,  deaths,  and  marriages  ;  and  it 
was  not  until  the  sensation  had  somewhat  subsided,  and  Tommy 
White  was  talking  of  beating  up  the  (Jeneral's  quarter  in  Bury 
Street,  to  hear  what  it  was,  that  his  inseparable — that  "  nasty 
covetous  body  Cuddy  Flintoff,"  who  had  been  plodding  very  perse- 
veringly  on  the  line,  at  lengfth  hit  off  what  astonished  him  as  much 
as  we  have  no  doubt  it  will  the  reader,  being  neither  more  nor  less 
than  the  following  very  quiet  announcement  at  the  end  of  the  list 
of  marriages : — 

"  This  morning,  at  St.  Barnabas,  by  the  Rev.  Dr.  Duff,  the  Right  Hon. 
The  Earl  of  Ladythorne.  to  Emma,  widow  of  the  late  Wm.  Pringle,  Esq." 

The  Earl  of  Ladythorne  married  to  Mrs.  Pringle  !  "Well  done 
our  fair  friend  of  the  frontispiece  !  The  pure  white  camellias  are 
succeeded  by  a  coronet  !  The  borrowed  velvet  dress  replaced  by 
anything  she  likes  to  own.     Who  would  have  thought  it ! 

But  wonders  will  never  cease  ;  for  on  this  eventful  day  Mr. 
George  Gallon  was  seen  driving  the  Countess's  old  coach  com- 
panion, Mrs.  Margerum,  from  Cockthorpe  Church,  with  long  white 
rosettes  flying  at  Tippy  Tom's  head,  and  installing  her  mistress  of 
the  Rose  and  Crown,  at  the  cross  roads  ;  thus  showing  that  truth 
is  stranger  than  fiction.  "  George,"  we  may  add,  has  now  taken 
the  Flying  Childers  Inn  at  Eversley  Green,  where  he  purposes 
extending  his  "  Torf  "  operations,  and  we  make  no  doubt  will  be 
heard  of  hereafter. 

Of  our  other  fair  friends  we  must  say  a  few  parting  words  on 
taking  a  reluctant  farewell. 

Though  Miss  Clara,  now  Lady  Mainchance,  is  not  quite  so  good 
a  housekeeper  as  Sir  Moses  could  have  wished,  she  is  nevertheless 
extremely  ornamental  at  tlie  head  of  his  table  ;  and  though  she 
has  perhaps  rather  exceeded  with  Gillow,  the  Major  pioniises  to 
make  it  all  right  hy  iiis  superior  mmiagemcnt  of  the  property. 
Mr.  Mordecai  Nathan  hns  been   supplanted   by    our    master    of 


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ASK    MAMMA.  423 

"  haryers,"  who  has  taken  a  drainage  loan,  and  promises  to  set  the 
water-works  playing  at  Pangbnru  Park,  just  as  he  did  at  Yara- 
raerton  Grange.  He  means  to  have  a  day  a  week  there  with  his 
"  haryers,"  which,  he  says,  is  the  best  way  of  seeing  a  country. 

Miss  de  Glancey  has  revised  Barley  Hill  Hall,  for  which  place 
his  Highness  now  appears  in  Burke's  "Landed  Gentry,"  very  con- 
siderably ;  and  though  she  has  not  been  to  Gillow,  she  has  got  the 
plate  out  of  the  drawing-room,  and  made  things  very  smart.  She 
keeps  John  in  excellent  order,  and  rides  his  grey  horse  admirably. 
Blurkins  says  "  the  gi'ey  mare  is  the  better  horse,"  but  that  is  no 
business  of  ours. 

Of  all  the  brides,  perhaps,  Miss  Flora  got  the  best  set  down  ;  fof 
the  Woolpack's  house  was  capitally  fin-nished,  and  he  is  far 
happier  driving  his  pretty  wife  about  the  country  with  a  pair  of 
pyebald  ponies,  making  calls,  than  in  risking  his  neck  across 
country  witii  hounds — or  rather  after  them. 

Of  all  our  beauties,  and  thanks  to  Leech  we  have  dealt  in  no- 
thing else.  Miss  Harriet  alone  remains  unsettled  with  her  two 
strings  to  her  bow — fine  Billy  and  Rowley  Abingdon  ;  though 
which  is  to  be  the  happy  man  remains  to  be  seen. 

We  confess  we  incline  to  think  that  the  Countess  will  be  too 
many  for  the  Yammertons  ;  but  if  she  is,  there  is  no  grc^t  harm 
done  ;  for  Harriet  is  very  young,  and  the  Owl  is  a  safe  card  in  the 
cuuutry  where  men  are  mure  faithful  than  they  are  in  the  towns. 
Indeed,  line  Billy  is  alm(»st  too  young  to  know  his  own  mind,  and 
marrying  now  would  only  perhaps  involve  the  old  difficulty  here- 
after of  father  and  son  wanting  top  boots  at  the  same  time, 
supposing  our  friend  to  accomplish  the  dillicult  art  of  sitting  at 
the  Jumps. 

kSo  let  us  leave  our  hero  open.  And  as  we  have  only  aimed  at 
nothing  but  the  natural  throughout,  we  will  linish  by  proposing  a 
toast  that  will  include  as  well  the  mated  and  the  single  of  dur 
story,  as  the  mated  and  the  single  all  the  world  ovei',  namely,  the 
old  and  popular  one  of  "  The  single  maiTicd,  and  the  married 
happy  I "  (hunk  with  three   times   three   and   one   cheer   more  ' 

HOO-KAY  I 


THE    KND. 


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